Shit My Kid Does – Volume Four
Actual phone call from my fourteen year-old son’s middle school Vice Principal on March 31, 2010:
VP: “Hello, Ms. Ellis?”
ME: (Sighs…)
VP: “This is a pre-emptive call based on a recent rumor circulating concerning Junior’s plans for tomorrow.”
ME: “Tomorrow? Are you calling me to tell me you’re punishing Junior in the future now?”
VP: “I’d like to remind you that tomorrow is April 1st, Ms. Ellis.”
ME: “Of…course it is.”
VP: “Yes, yes. My call is to ask for your cooperation by making sure Junior doesn’t leave the house with anything inappropriate or….flammable, perhaps.
ME: “Yes, I can assure you that I will watch Junior like a hawk before he leaves for school tomorrow.
***** SHAKES DOWN JUNIOR BEFORE HE LEAVES THE HOUSE AND DETERMINES ALL IS CLEAR. CUT TO APRIL 1st AS I WALK IN THE DOOR TO SEE JUNIOR LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY *****
ME: “WHAT DID YOU DO??!!”
JUNIOR: (laughing) “Absolutely nothing.”
ME: “Yeah, I’m not buying it. No one who laughs like that is innocent.”
JUNIOR: “I’m serious. I didn’t do a thing. I sat in class all day and paid total attention. My teacher kept looking at me, waiting for me to do something but I never did. I just smiled and said, ‘Yes, Ma’am’ to everything she asked. By the end of the day she was all twitchy-like. It was awesome.”
ME: (thinks for a moment, then shakes head) “Screw it, kid. You’re a genius.”
Sweet.
“The best joke of all…was the joke that never came.” — BJ Hunnicutt, M*A*S*H: “The Joker Is Wild.”
November 2, 2011 at 8:35 pm
I’m not sure if he’s ever seen that show. I’ll have to find it on Netflix.
November 2, 2011 at 8:38 pm
hahhahhaa that kid is awesome. as soon as I saw the maniacal laughing I knew exactly where it was going
November 2, 2011 at 8:41 pm
Oh he’s something, alright.
November 2, 2011 at 8:43 pm
Awesomesauce. You rock. Five stars.
November 2, 2011 at 9:02 pm
*grins wider and pushes past the awesomesauce cart*
November 2, 2011 at 9:05 pm
No question. He is a genius.
November 2, 2011 at 9:50 pm
That he is. Now, if I could just get him to use his powers for GOOD.
November 2, 2011 at 9:59 pm
That WAS genius!
November 2, 2011 at 10:40 pm
He’s a pissah.
November 3, 2011 at 4:39 am
I’ve been browsing through the posts on your blog.
Definitely your kid.
Rock on, young man.
November 2, 2011 at 10:48 pm
Yes, I always tell people that if I allow myself to take credit for Prince Charming, then I’m forced to take responsibility for Junior.
November 3, 2011 at 4:38 am
Seems like I just told someone that very thing – better to make someone flip out with anticipation forever than to actually do something. Great. Way better than switching salt and strychnine!
November 2, 2011 at 11:23 pm
I read what you wrote just after I published this. Brainwaves, remember?
November 3, 2011 at 4:39 am
Your son is the Ninja Warrior of Mind Control.
Be aware.
Les
November 3, 2011 at 1:16 am
I am NOT going to tell him you said this.
November 3, 2011 at 4:40 am
He’s the next Ashton Kutcher. He’ll have a prank show, be on two hit sitcoms, and knock up an older woman. I know Kutcher didn’t knock up Demi Moore, but your son is really competitive.
November 3, 2011 at 6:41 am
Oh God, that’s all I need. TWO of him.
November 3, 2011 at 10:16 am
AGREED.
November 3, 2011 at 1:21 pm
I was at the dealership getting my car serviced when I read this on my phone…I think I now have a reputation at the dealership as “the weird lady who laughs at her phone out loud”…thanks.
November 3, 2011 at 6:30 am
Glad I could help!
November 3, 2011 at 10:17 am
I love the fact that sitting and paying attention isn’t his normal behavior…
November 3, 2011 at 9:04 am
You have no idea.
November 3, 2011 at 10:17 am
Very nice, maybe your son should get into politics.
November 3, 2011 at 10:16 am
That’s all we need…
November 3, 2011 at 10:28 am
Your kid is starting to grow on me.
November 3, 2011 at 12:55 pm
He has that effect on people.
November 3, 2011 at 1:13 pm
I have though about you all today , especially prince charming, nice post cheered up a really crappy day
November 3, 2011 at 3:51 pm
I’ll send him to chat.
November 3, 2011 at 4:22 pm
Thanks
November 3, 2011 at 4:30 pm
I would love to high-five you.
November 3, 2011 at 8:34 pm
VIRTUAL HIGH FIVE!!!!!
November 3, 2011 at 8:36 pm
Too funny! I think I like that kid of yours!!
November 4, 2011 at 9:04 pm
agreed, he is a genius. continue…
November 5, 2011 at 3:31 am
You know after having such an intense conversation about raising children, I can’t help but shake my head and smile. I know he’s supposedly misbehaving – but it seems like the kind of light hearted and genious fun that is part of a rich and creative childhood. Obviously you’re doing an amazing job with your kids. I’ll be taking notes. Lots of them.
November 5, 2011 at 8:30 pm
You are too kind.
November 5, 2011 at 8:33 pm
Thats absolutely great!
November 6, 2011 at 4:43 pm
That IS ingenious. A source of inspiration for us all
.
November 11, 2011 at 5:55 am
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So they are learning life skills in schools? Funny post
December 1, 2011 at 3:44 pm
They’ve got a great sense of humor there, that’s for sure.
December 1, 2011 at 7:57 pm