Shit My Kid Does – Volume Four
VP: “Hello, Ms. Ellis?”
VP: “This is a pre-emptive call based on a recent rumor circulating concerning Junior’s plans for tomorrow.”
ME: “Tomorrow? Are you calling me to tell me you’re punishing Junior in the future now?”
VP: “I’d like to remind you that tomorrow is April 1st, Ms. Ellis.”
ME: “Of…course it is.”
VP: “Yes, yes. My call is to ask for your cooperation by making sure Junior doesn’t leave the house with anything inappropriate or….flammable, perhaps.
ME: “Yes, I can assure you that I will watch Junior like a hawk before he leaves for school tomorrow.
***** SHAKES DOWN JUNIOR BEFORE HE LEAVES THE HOUSE AND DETERMINES ALL IS CLEAR. CUT TO APRIL 1st AS I WALK IN THE DOOR TO SEE JUNIOR LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY *****
ME: “WHAT DID YOU DO??!!”
JUNIOR: (laughing) “Absolutely nothing.”
ME: “Yeah, I’m not buying it. No one who laughs like that is innocent.”
JUNIOR: “I’m serious. I didn’t do a thing. I sat in class all day and paid total attention. My teacher kept looking at me, waiting for me to do something but I never did. I just smiled and said, ‘Yes, Ma’am’ to everything she asked. By the end of the day she was all twitchy-like. It was awesome.”
ME: (thinks for a moment, then shakes head) “Screw it, kid. You’re a genius.”