Sparkle’s Rockin’ New Year
Whenever I think about New Years Eve specific images spring to mind; social gatherings, alcoholic beverages, fireworks…..kissing. So I thought to myself, what better way to showcase all that is magical about New Years Eve than with a feature post about the sparkliest woman I know? That’s right ladies and gentleman, I give you the one, the only….
Thank you, my future wife! (If my Rockstar doesn’t marry me, that is.)
Take one part Dorothy Parker, one part Jessica Rabbit and two parts Dolly Parton *snicker.* Mix together and serve in a pair of five inch pink stiletto heels and you have my girl Sparklebumps.
Whether she’s swooning over her own personal Rockstar or daydreaming of giving Chris Meloni the boobie-squishing of a lifetime, this larger than life– “Umm, excuse me, did you just imply that I’m fat?” bombshell– “Oh, you are forgiven. XOXO” makes everyone she meets instantly fall in love with her. “Except that one guy that one time, but I think he might have been gay…” And since no one blog post can come close to encapsulating the woman in all her glittering glory, I’ve decided to ask what advice Sparklebumps might give us in the hopes of bringing a little sparkle to our own New Years Eve holiday.
****1. What does a typical Sparklebumps New Years Eve look like?
Well, H.E., sadly I have never created a New Year’s tradition. However, last year I spent the night putting together two beauteous red red bookshelves to hold all of my books. The night ended with me on the verge of wanting to stab myself in the eye with a screwdriver. NOT the alcoholic kind.
****2. You have been described as, “oozing sex appeal.” Is this a natural ability or a cleverly executed skill? What can women do to channel their own inner Sparklebumps?
Honestly, I have no idea what they’re talking about. I find myself to be the complete opposite of sexy. The best advice I can give is buy a pair of really tall heels, and agree with your significant other that “Hell, yeah, that chic is hot.” when his eyes wander. If you are jealous of other women (or men) it makes you very beautifically-impaired.
****3. It’s no secret that men, and quite a few women, find you utterly desirable. What advice would you give women about how to harness the awesome power that is raw sex appeal?
Well, no one can be me, but I guess the best thing to do would be to just emulate me as much as possible. 
****4. Tell us about the moment during your childhood when you discovered you were sparklier than the other little girls.
Technically, my sparklyness came much later. But I DO remember a time when I was about 4 years old and I imagined that I was a lion lording over a field of Cabbage Patch Children (my friends). I guess my imagination gets a little carried away sometimes….
****5. In addition to your bombshell persona you are an avid reader with a passion for books. If you were free to write your own novel right now, what would it be about?
I AM free to write whatever I want whenever I want. (well, almost.) Really, this tends to be my biggest problem. My brain has so many different stories and ideas that it is almost completely impossible for me to sit down and concentrate on one thing long enough to write a book. This is why I’ve several started and none completed. However, Love is the thing, you know, so anything that I write will most definitely have a love angle in it.
The only way I know how to write is by taking from personal experience. That and having read many many books and realizing what I do and don’t like in the way an author writes. I know my writing is very raw (or so I’ve been told) and I don’t know if that’s a good thing, but if the comments on my blog are any indication, I guess I’m doing ok.
The first chapter of the book I have most completed is featured in my post, “First Chapter.”
****6. Tell us about your Rockstar. What first attracted you to him, and what do you do to keep the fires burning?
My Rockstar is just a little bit awesome. (That’s an understatement there, in case anyone missed it.) Honestly, the first thing that attracted me to him was the fact that he played guitar. Maybe it was because I haven’t known many musicians, who knows. He was also just extremely NICE. Which is funny, since in the beginning of our relationship, the names “cunt” and “asshole” were thrown around quite a bit. One of the things I appreciate though, is that he is a single father who is there for his daughter. (Even if it DOES take the attention away from me. )
Hmmm, to keep the fires burning? I give plenty of blowjobs,(sometimes while watching porn) I sometimes send nudey texts, (which don’t receive much in the way of applause, Understandably), I try to cook for him, (the way to a man’s heart, yes?) and I buy him beer. (because that’s just common sense.) Also, giving a man his space works wonders.
****7. How will you be spending this New Years Eve, and what is the one wish you’ll make when the clock strikes midnight?
I will be spending the night with my Rockstar and his Daughter, (which sounds boring, but really isn’t.) I may be wearing a pair of new heels to celebrate, and when the clock strikes midnight? It depends.
If he and I are in the midst of red-hot sex (after his daughter goes to sleep), I may just be wishing that we will always and forever have awesome sex, even when we are old. (with the help of Viagra, if necessary.) If all three of us are still awake, mayhap I will just be wishing we will be a lovely little family forever. Also, I will be wishing this is the year I get my Boss Mustang. 
XOXO
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Beauty, Boobs, and Brains. Sparklebumps is the whole package. What more could you wish for? I for one will be wishing that this time next year Santa will have found a way to stuff a hot pink Mustang down Sparkle’s chimney.
That sounded oddly naughty….
That’s ok, H.E. Most of my thoughts are pretty naughty, too….
Love Letter Gone Wrong – Five
It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG written and submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
This week’s love letter was written by one of the featured bloggers who attended THE MEETING OF THE BLOGGER’S ALLIANCE over at Kayjai’s Blog. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.
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Dear H.E.,
I am your biggest fan. What I mean when I say biggest is that there is no one that adores you more than I do. I print out every blog post that you put up, and I have them put together in a folder with a drawing I’ve done of what I imagine you to look like. I’ve read Gods of Asphalt 17 times, and I can tell by your writing style and the things that you say on your blog that we are meant to be together.
I’m sure that sounds crazy to you, but if you would be willing to let me take you out on a date, I’m sure that you will feel it too. I thought you were a man at first, and that had me questioning my sexuality, because I never thought I was gay before, but your words just SPOKE to me, and I couldn’t stop thinking about you. When I found out you were actually a woman, I felt relieved, because now I know that we can be together the way we were meant to be, and I don’t have to worry about taking it up the butt.
I have to tell you something that really bothers me though. It really upsets me when you are flirty with that Glitterbutt girl on your blog. Wait… that’s not right. I meant that Sparklebumps whore. I know that she’s trying to steal you away from me, and what you can’t see is that she’s a manipulative little bitch. When I see how you respond to her in your comments, it makes me soooo upset; I’ve started having panic attacks when I see her comments on your blog. The only way I can feel better is by masturbating with shampoo while imagining you are here with me, caressing me and whispering that everything will be alright. I had to start using salon-grade shampoo though, because Herbal Essences was giving me a weird rash. What I’m saying, H.E., is that I am begging you to stop this relationship you have with that slut, because if you don’t, I’m going to have to take more desperate measures. I don’t like that Savor person either.
I imagine every day what our life will be like together; you will write your books, and I will spend all my time worshiping you the way you deserve. I can help you give your kids cereal in the morning, and I will even be the one to call and order pizzas for them and their friends. When Prince Charming gets married to one of the many girls that adore him, I will hold your head and lick your tears away for you.
I can’t wait until you realize the closeness that we share. I’ve never had anyone make me feel the way that you do. My Aunt says it’s because I live in her basement, and I need to get out and find a nice girl, but I know that you are the only one for me, and so I’m saving myself for you. I know that you will appreciate my dedication, and it will be worth the wait when our love can finally be consummated. Until then, if you would do me a favor and send me a high-definition picture of your boobs for me to hang on the ceiling above my bed, then I can fantasize about what it would be like to have you here with me.
This is the 7th letter that I’ve sent you, and I need to let you know that if you don’t respond promptly to this, my last letter, I will have to ride my scooter to New Hampshire and find you, to show you how much I care. I thought that my letters spoke for themselves, but maybe I am not a great writer like you are, and I will just have to prove myself to you in person. Please, give me a chance, because without you I’m lost.
With all the love in my heart, and all the lust in my drawers,
Kevin
P.S. I’m serious about the Sparklebumps issue. If you can’t be completely committed to me because of her, I will rid you of her manipulations.
ADHD Poem Reblog
I was nearly moved to tears the other day by a post I read at the Ohmygawd, just do what I say! blog entitled: ADHD, Our Own Personal Hell. It’s difficult to explain to someone who doesn’t have ADHD what the world is like for its sufferers. Imagine standing in front of a wall of televisions while someone stands behind you rapidly changing all the channels.
Now pick a single television to focus on.
I encourage you to not only read the poem below but also to visit this very entertaining blog written by Gingersnaap, a woman with a lot to say.
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We are not like the rest,
Yet we desire to do our best.
Not meaning to disappoint or anger,
We want you to love and accept her,
Right where she is at,
But not because of obedience, no, not that.
My brain chemistry is very different,
My Dopamine non-existent.
Please, it’s not our fault,
and it often sends us into a downward catapult.
Is there a Monster under his bed?
No, but there is one is his head,
Telling him he is stupid and bad,
and that he is nothing but a Discipline case to his Dad.
We want to BE like everyone else,
Honest, it’s true.
To be told we are accepted and not a nuisance to you,
And to finish our work or not lose our cool,
But your expectation of perfection?
Well, it is that of a fool.
We need your help to fight the Demons,
both Sub-Conscience and Real,
Yet you throw your hands up and defiantly refuse to deal.
We know what we ‘SHOULD’ do,
The ignorant tell us everyday,
But I beg you to understand,
We do it all very differently, in every single way.
Ours ways are not your ways,
And yours will never be mine.
But we won’t be who YOU need us to be,
Not in any amount of time.
Our souls in constant torment,
We want to make you happy,
Yet God made us this way,
And your arrogance is crappy.
It’s ADHD and only the strong will survive,
It’s NOT because we’re lazy or dreadfully Un-Alive.
Un-Education is your worst enemy,
and will only cause more strife.
I suggest you learn more about us,
So you can have your Utopian life.
God gave this to us,
Who am I to wish for different?
Yet still I ask for more compassion,
In EVERY shape, form and fashion.
Punish us if that makes you feel better,
But I beg you to see,
This human before you,
Is desperately fighting to be free.
I cannot make it go away,
But for you we will foolishly try,
And cause more and more anxiety,
Until all we can say is GoodBye.
- written by Gingersnaap
Blogs With Books
I’ve added a new page to the top of my blog entitled BLOGS WITH BOOKS for….well, bloggers who have books for sale. If you are a blogger with a book to sell just add your name to the comments or shoot me an email at heellisgoa@gmail.com. Happy Reading!
Secret SPaM – Part One
For this week’s SPaM I had the privilege of sitting down to an interview with a man who’s known world wide; a man whose public persona is larger than life, but whose private world is shrouded in a centuries old mystery. In this three part series we will discuss his career, his home life, his influence and ultimately his legacy. This is by far the most in-depth probe I’ve ever done for a SPaM post that I believe you’ll find both eye-opening as well as entertaining. Today I sit down with none other than…
SANTA CLAUS.
Part one of our interview takes place in Santa’s private quarters at his North Pole command center. Haggard and spent from last night’s epic trip around the world, he nurses what the elves tell me is his “tonic,” prompting me to open questions quickly and dive right into the meat of his story:
My Secret Admirer – Four
It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
Dearest Nightingale,
I don’t know your name, and I don’t normally do this, but I just had to say something. I saw you across a crowded room as I drank my wine, and I heard you singing with your friends. You have a lovely voice! I am amazed that no one else has said anything. I see you there regularly – actually, I’m kind of a regular myself at that same place. It sure was crowded that night.
I wonder if you would do me the honor of having dinner with me? I love the way you handle yourself, and how you’re not afraid to get up in front of a large number of people. And the things you sing about – they’re bigger than the both of us.
Please let me know, as I simply must get to know you better. I was thinking tonight, or this evening. I would ask you to lunch, but I have a meeting in the afternoon with a priest and a judge and my lawyer and the priest’s lawyer and – I don’t want to bore you with the details, but I can’t wait to meet you!
Yours,
Glenn McFadden
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Dear Glenn,
I’d love to have dinner with you, but I am afraid I don’t know exactly who you are. I seem to remember standing with our choir and seeing a man trip up the aisle on his way to receive the sacrament. He also got stuck in his genuflection, sneezed on Father Donovan during absolution and took a header into the basin of holy water.
Was that you? If it’s not, then I’d love to have dinner. If it is, well…..
-The Nightingale
CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:
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The Idiots Christmas Poem
Hold onto your eggnog people because I’m about to deliver some Christmas cheer in the form of a poem penned by none other than THE IDIOT SPEAKETH. Grab some cookies and settle in by the fire as you read this soon to be holiday classic…..The Idiots Christmas Poem!
Love Letters Gone Wrong – Four
It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG written and submitted anonymously by fellow bloggers. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
This week’s love letter was written and submitted by a blogger who liked my SOMEBODY SHOOT ME post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.
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Dearest Nightingale,
I don’t know your name, and I don’t normally do this, but I just had to say something. I saw you across a crowded room as I drank my wine, and I heard you singing with your friends. You have a lovely voice! I am amazed that no one else has said anything. I see you there regularly – actually, I’m kind of a regular myself at that same place. It sure was crowded that night.
I wonder if you would do me the honor of having dinner with me? I love the way you handle yourself, and how you’re not afraid to get up in front of a large number of people. And the things you sing about – they’re bigger than the both of us.
Please let me know, as I simply must get to know you better. I was thinking tonight, or this evening. I would ask you to lunch, but I have a meeting in the afternoon with a priest and a judge and my lawyer and the priest’s lawyer and – I don’t want to bore you with the details, but I can’t wait to meet you!
Yours,
Glenn McFadden
Sounds of the Season
WHAT CHRISTMAS SOUNDS LIKE IN MY PERSONAL VERSION OF HEAVEN
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WHAT CHRISTMAS SOUNDS LIKE IN MY PERSONAL VERSION OF HELL
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Take GENUFLECTROL!
Have you ever sat down to your keyboard, stared at your blog and had nothing come to mind? I’ll let you in on an embarrassing secret…so have I. If like me, this has happened to you, then you may suffer from a condition endured by many around WordPress; a condition known as “Lame-ass Blogger Syndrome.”
Little is known of what causes Lame-ass Blogger Syndrome, an affliction that affects as many as 1 in 3 bloggers world wide. Despite the demoralizing statistics there is hope; hope in the form of one blogger impervious to the perils of Lame-ass Blogger Syndrome.
A blogger named Edward Hotspur.
Researchers from around the globe have spent months studying Edward Hotspur’s blog in order to isolate what makes him so damned awesome. Once this information was gathered scientists partnered with pharmaceutical giants such as Merck, Pfizer and Pez to bring you a cure in the form of a little orange pill called GENUFLECTROL.
Now you may be thinking: “What can I do to rid myself of Lame-ass Blogger Syndrome and become more like Edward Hotspur?”
The answer is “TAKE GENUFLECTROL!”
GENUFLECTROL is a prescription medication that has been proven to work for most lame-ass bloggers and here’s the proof:
Clinical studies have shown that 4 out of 5 bloggers with chronic Lame-ass Blogger Syndrome improved their sparkline erections with GENUFLECTROL—compared to only 1 out of 4 who took sugar pills.
Chances are GENUFLECTROL will also work for you. But getting sparkline erections is only part of the story. In a global survey, sufferers of Lame-ass Blogger Syndrome identified three key elements of a more satisfying blogging experience:
1. Getting hard sparkline erections
2. Maintaining sparkline erections
3. Becoming more like Edward Hotspur
GENUFLECTROL can help with all three. Check out H.E. Ellis’s story to hear how GENUFLECTROL helped her achieve and maintain hard sparkline erections.
“I used to be a typical lame-ass blogger….no creativity or motivation; living the shame of consistently being one-upped in the comments by the great Edward Hotspur. It was then that he introduced me to the wonders of GENUFLECTROL. Now I’m blogging like crazy and am full of win!”
GENUFLECTROL ISN’T FOR EVERYBODY. IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION BELOW.
- Do not take GENUFLECTROL if you take Viagra as this may cause a catastrophic brain boner.
- Discuss your general health status with your doctor to ensure that you are healthy enough to engage in blogging activities. If you experience ass cramps, knuckle lock or severe kung-fu grip while blogging seek immediate medical help.
- In the rare event of a sparkline erection lasting more than 4 hours, seek immediate attention because you may have just become Edward Hotspur.
- The most common side effects of GENUFLECTROL are audiophilia, asianopathy and severe smart assedness.
While no drug can cure Lame-ass Blogger Syndrome, GENUFLECTROL is your best bet to a fulfilling blogging experience enjoyed by many, but none more than Edward Hotspur.
Take GENUFLECTROL today!
Sandy SPaM
As much as I blog/write/brag about being a New Englander I find it’s easy to forget that my life’s journey began in Florida, the same base of operations for this week’s featured blogger Sandylikeabeach (great name, right?). But the similarities don’t end with geography. I also suffer from her self-described “Scarlet O Hara syndrome” and could have written the following sentiment myself:
“With this blog, I hope to feed that part of my soul that yearns to create. My blog is not really about anything in particular, just recollections, memories, observations, thoughts and dreams.”
Anyone who’s had the good fortune to visit her blog quickly learns there’s more to this writer/poetess than simple anecdotes or pearls of wisdom. I give you my kindred spirit, Sandylikeabeach.
Before I answer your questions, let me say I’m delighted to be your kindred spirit and honored to be included in your roster of SPaM recipients. Now, on to your questions.
**** 1. What first influenced you to become a writer?
My high school English teacher, Mrs. McKelvy, opened my mind to the possibility of writing. I took her creative writing class and she was very encouraging. I wrote several short stories and poems, and won our school’s creative writing award my senior year. I majored in journalism in college, but never liked the “reporting” side of it. I loved the photography and editing classes.
Of course, I graduated from college during a recession so I never worked in my major field. I was just happy to get any job, much like today’s college graduates. Once I left college, I did very little writing, until I started this blog about six months ago. After decades of not writing, I’m still struggling to find my “voice.” I have been happily surprised by how encouraging and supportive my fellow bloggers have been. It is unlikely that I will ever be a “post a day” blogger, but I am enjoying the journey.
**** 2. Where do you draw your inspiration for your poetry?
My poetry tends to be a bit dark. When I am in an emotionally raw place, the words just seem to flow. Often the writing of the poem is enough to lift me out of that dark place.
The one poem you seemed to like the most was Longing, which ended with the line ‘Someone walked over my grave.’ That line was the starting point for the poem. It was something I remembered from my teenage years. We used that expression when we would get a sudden chill that would give us goosebumps. I knew I wanted to end a poem with that line, so I worked backwards from there.
**** 3. Are you writing anything at the moment?
Just the answers to these questions. I do have an idea for a short story bouncing around in my head, not sure if it will ever make it from my head to the page.
**** 4. In your post ICE CREAM CONES AND RAIN – BOOKS THAT CHANGED MY LIFE you discuss a love of reading. What are you reading at the moment, and what book would you recommend reading?
Currently, I’m reading and enjoying W. Somerset Maugham’s Of Human Bondage. There are so many good books, it’s hard to recommend just one. I loved Vonnegut when I was younger, and Douglas Adams. Dune by Frank Herbert was a stand out, as were The Lathe of Heaven by Ursula K. Le Guin and The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. Just in the last few months, I’ve read and would recommend The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner and The Gods of Asphalt by you!
**** 5. I love your post DISSECTING A CRAZY AUNT about living in Florida. What do you find is the best/worst thing about living in Florida?
The best is hard to choose as we have some of the best beaches in the world (I have traveled the world so I know this to be true), the best Cuban food this side of, well, Cuba, and so many crazy, freaky people (the circus really does spend the winter here). I think what I like most about my home state is it defies generic descriptions. The southern part is different from the northern part, the coasts are different from the center of the state. The state is an ethnic melting pot with more tanning salons and theme parks than any one state should have, including water parks which is just nuts for a state that bills itself as the sunshine state and is bordered by water on three sides. We’ve had crazy out of control growth, and yet many pristine wild places remain. Florida is a contradiction, wrapped up in a conundrum, tied with a bit of whimsy, and just when you think you have her figured out, she surprises you.
The Florida Chamber of Commerce is going to hate me for saying this, but we have the worst bugs – giant, hideous, could star in a horror movie bugs. There are huge palmetto bugs that look like roaches on steroids. These things can be 4 or 5 inches long, at least, and they fly – straight at you. We have fire ants, scorpions, huge grasshoppers, spiders (which don’t bother me but some of them are as big as my hand), and some bugs that I don’t even know what they are but they look like they’re from another planet. Seriously, the sheer number and variety of bugs are an entomologist’s wet dream.
**** 6. What’s the best thing about spending winter holidays in Florida?
The weather! I didn’t see snow until I was 16 on a visit to Yellowstone in July so I never understood the appeal of a white Christmas. I watch the news and see people all bundled up scraping ice off of their cars and I just cannot imagine having to endure all that cold weather day in and day out for several months. It’s not surprising that so many people move south, though don’t move to Florida because we have these huge hideous bugs.
**** 7. Quite a few of your posts feature dancing (my personal favorite is RIGHT BOOB ESCAPES DURING TANGO). How much does dance feature in your day to day life?
I don’t dance nearly enough! When I lost my job, I moved back to the little town where I now live. I can’t indulge my love of salsa, cha cha and tango as much as I would like, though I did dance salsa in my living room with the cable repair man a few months ago. I do take a couple of dance classes each week and often just put on some music and dance around my house. Music and dancing lift my spirit like nothing else.
**** 8. Many of your posts including, CLOUDS, ICE, ALASKA and CALIFORNIA DREAMING are about your love of traveling. What was your favorite travel destination, and where would you like to go that you’ve never been?
My favorite trip was a walking photo safari in Kenya about 11 years ago. I had never camped before, at least not in a tent without electricity and running water. I went alone and had a fabulous time. Masai warriors, carrying spears, joined us on our treks through the Loita Hills. I witnessed the wildebeest migration on the Masai Mara, hyena feeding frenzies near the campsite and herds of elephants in East Tsavo. I saw Kilimanjaro and the Indian Ocean. The most amazing thing was just walking along and being just a few yards from impala, zebra and elephants. I also saw incredible poverty, yet these people who were living in tiny huts with next to nothing were warm, friendly and generous, welcoming us into their village and homes. They also recognized a fellow dancer, as I was chosen to join the Masai women as they danced around their campfire. It was the trip of a lifetime and I would go back to Africa in a heartbeat.
There are only two continents I haven’t set foot upon, but still so much of the world to see. I’ve never been to the Greek Islands, but ever since I watched the movie, Shirley Valentine, a few years ago, I have longed to spend a few weeks on a sailboat gliding through the Aegean Sea and exploring those islands. Maybe someday…….
**** 9. Lastly, your post 25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME doesn’t begin to sum up your clearly vibrant personality. What is the one thing about you most people would be surprised to learn?
Most people would be surprised to learn that I am surprising. I was surprised to find this out, too. People are always telling me that I am ‘surprisingly strong’ or ‘surprisingly athletic’ or ‘surprisingly deep.’ They are surprised by the things I’ve done, the places I’ve been and the thoughts I express. Not surprisingly, surprising is a wonderful way to be.
For more salsa fun follow Sandylikeabeach!
Next week’s SPaM features a three part interview with a special mystery guest. You won’t believe who it is!
For your own SPaM contact heellisgoa@gmail.com
My Secret Admirer – Three
It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
To my dearest sweetheart,
It is with much regret that I must postpone our first night together. As you know I only have a futon in my apartment and I wanted our first night to be special. So I went to Mattress Giant to find the perfect four-post bed (I know this is a special thing for you). However, while I was preparing for an evening of passion the manager found it odd that I was placing rose petals on the pillows so he asked if he could help me. To which I answered, “No thank you,” and then I began to disrobe.
After the police arrived they brought me to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. The doctors say that I can have visitors after the test results come back.
With much passion,
Coo-Coo
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Dear Coo-Coo,
While I appreciate your heart-felt gesture in the showroom of the local Mattress Giant, you need to understand that an overt display of affection such as this is seen as inappropriate by my standards. As is sending letters requesting hair clippings or samples of my handwriting. In addition, I am not accepting gifts of your Thorazine induced wedding portraits or your handmade “bride and groom sock puppets,” regardless of how much you believe they resemble the two of us.
Here’s to better living through pharmaceuticals,
-Your not so Coo-Coo
CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:
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Love Letters Gone Wrong – Three
It’s Friday which means it’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! This week’s love letter was written and submitted by one of the featured bloggers in the post KARMA COMING MY WAY. Check out this post and then return to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess in the comments wins a free copy of my ebook.
Return this Sunday for my response as well as the secret admirer’s big reveal. If you’d like to submit your own love letter gone wrong, contact me at heellisgoa@gmail.com
To my dearest sweetheart,
It is with much regret that I must postpone our first night together. As you know I only have a futon in my apartment and I wanted our first night to be special. So I went to Mattress Giant to find the perfect four-post bed (I know this is a special thing for you). However, while I was preparing for an evening of passion the manager found it odd that I was placing rose petals on the pillows so he asked if he could help me. To which I answered, “No thank you,” and then I began to disrobe.
After the police arrived they brought me to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. The doctors say that I can have visitors after the test results come back.
With much passion,
Coo-Coo
Honey Badger Don’t Care
A young friend of mine lost his mother in a car accident over the weekend, so I’ve been helping him through it the only way I know how. With humor. Please to enjoy the only thing that has made this kid crack a smile in days. In fact, he can’t stop laughing.
I give you…The Honey Badger.
Karma Coming My Way
Those of you who know me well know that I’m not comfortable calling attention to myself. In fact, some of you out there may not know that I’ve written a book; a book for which I created this blog to promote.
I’ve been largely avoiding its promotion out of fear of appearing “braggy,” (how’s THAT for a word, literary world?). But an afternoon of watching my son Prince Charming receive an award for his achievement as both a solid citizen and an uber student made me realize that a bit of recognition isn’t necessarily a bad thing (more on Prince Charming’s recent accomplishment in a later post).
So I’ve decided to take this post in a vastly different direction. For the first time I’m going to aim it squarely at me; but not without mentioning the bloggers who helped make me awesome.
First up is Kayjai, who wrote the infamous post entitled: MEETING OF THE BLOGGERS ALLIANCE in which myself and many of your favorite bloggers appear.
Next are an array of bloggers who took my NEW ENGLAND DISSECTED post and ran with it. Sandylikeabeach took an interesting angle in regards to FLORIDA and John over at Trask Avenue went a step further with his post A FAMILY DISSECTED – CITY STYLE. And just like any good Army man BrainRants did it twice; once for the LEFT COAST and once for the MIDWEST.
Then there are the bloggers who reviewed my book. British darling Megan from VERYNORMAL took the first chance followed by Jolene from THE SATURATED PAGE. Her own newly released book, THE FAIRY QUEEN OF SPENCER’S BUTTE AND OTHER TALES dropped this week and I cannot wait to return the read and review favor. The last review comes from newbie blogger and resident prankster HR NIGHTMARE who not only reviews my book but takes an interesting look at the art of reading in general.
What Hellis post about blog homage would be complete without the name EDWARD HOTSPUR? Only the incomparable EH would take a stab at impersonating my writing style in a blog post. He’s spot on, by the way. And that leaves us with my good friend Jonathan Borden from WHORRIBLE who not only dedicated an entire blog post to me but immortalized me in prose. I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve all the blog love I’ve mentioned, but I’m grateful to have it just the same.
BLACK TONGUE
Copyright © 2011 by Jonathan Borden. All rights reserved.FOR H.E. ELLIS
In affection and admiration.
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She had a tongue the colour
Of thick, slow-poured molasses—
And when the men would cull her
She would utter black masses.
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She would dress herself in words
And backmask her black intent
As she split men into thirds—
Two for the road and one gent’.
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She liked her men well— well—read;
She would tie up the premise
With thick, ashen, asphalt thread—
She was called H.E. Ellis
Adventure SPaM
I was overjoyed to find that this week’s SPaM featured blogger, THE WANDERING ATAVIST is a fellow New Englander. I can’t begin to tell you how excited I was to review his posts and actually read the word “Balls!” used as punctuation at the end of a paragraph. Seriously, like familiar music to my ears.
Our friend the Atavist is a self-described “professional adventurer (mostly because it beats working for a living), he’s also something of a cowardly lion, and the biggest klutz you’ll ever meet. The combination makes for a pretty interesting string of… well, the police reports usually refer to them as “incidents.”
I have to admit that when I first did my research I had to look up what the word, ATAVIST means. The Free Online Dictionary lists an atavist as;
(noun) Atavist – an organism that has the characteristics of a more primitive type of that organism.
That got me thinking. How does an “atavist” human learn about the world around him? By utilizing his five senses, that’s how. With his posts entitled…
HOW I DESTROYED AN AIRPORT FENCE IN MY UNDERWEAR
HOW I DROPPED A LARGE CALIBER AUTOMATIC DOWN MY PANTS AT THE MOVIES
HOW I PUNCHED MYSELF IN THE MOUTH STANDING NEXT TO A STRIPPER IN THE MENS ROOM
…there’s no doubt that The Atavist should have no problem answering the following questions. I give you The Wandering Atavist’s take on the five senses!
**** 1. During your travels, have you ever seen something you couldn’t explain?
Only when there was a woman involved. Although, California’s interstate system comes to mind…
**** 2. What are the top three worst things you have ever smelled?
I should start by confessing that I’m just barely house broken. Worse still, I frequently embark on multi-day (multi-week?) trips with five minutes notice or less. When I return to whatever apartment I happen to be in, I often find myself having to play “what’s that smell” around the kitchen. Noodles, left to their own devices in a wet sink for far too long, become an unholy goo. Sometimes, it’s easier just to move out…
Number two would be the woman I helped to forcibly deport from the state of Maine. We drove non-stop to Kentucky, praying that the sleeping pills would last until we got her there. We ditched her and one of the cars just as she was coming to, and then we drove non-stop back to Maine, praying that the Authorities in Kentucky wouldn’t realize we were the ones who’d just given them that problem. That’s the only time I can actually remember my eyes burning.
3rd place goes to a truck full of wildland firefighters after several days on the job in Arizona. On our first fire in Yuma, the temperature peaked at 118 in the shade. And did I mention the world was on fire? After several 18 hour days of hiking, swinging axes, and lugging supplies around with no showers, the stench of a fire crew breaks the Geneva convention. I remember seeing a crew chief not letting a man board a helicopter until he scrubbed up with a bottle of hand sanitizer and the water in his canteen.
Oh- and the rental car I brought back from Florida certainly gets an honorable mention. I left my Scuba gear to mildew for 9 days in a tropical swelter, on the back seat. My co-pilot contributed sea shells she’d plucked from the beach with the critters still inside, and several ready-mixed tuna salad packages she’d let marinade on the floor since the day we left. I’m pretty sure they chalked that car up to an insurance loss when we dropped it off.
**** 3. Based on sound, which region of the U.S. has the most unique dialect or is the hardest to comprehend?
If you trek deep enough into Northern Maine, you’ll come to a lone moose trail that will lead you to the town of Madawaska. The locals, ever fueled by coffee brandy, speak an unintelligible blend of French-Canadian-Quebecois and English. Most of the men there drive 18 wheelers; hauling lobster, lumber, and liquid courage far and wide. But the poor guys don’t get to practice their social skills much on the lonely roads from Madawaska to… anywhere, really. Their accents run so thick that the state police in southern Maine don’t generally stop them.
**** 4. What is the best tasting/worst tasting meal you’ve ever eaten cooked over a campfire?
Best tasting: Chickadee. (Y’know- The little song birds.) What can I say? It was a long, hard summer’s day, and I used to run with a rough crowd. We all had guns before we had cars.
Worst: this is a tough question. Almost everything tastes good over a camp fire. Without exception, my worst culinary disasters occur in the kitchen. One time Sam and I made pancakes with a bag of quick-mix we found buried in the back of the cabinet. They were a bit gamey, but we’d both eaten worse. We just added enough butter and syrup to cover it. Later, we discovered that our bag of “pancake batter” had actually been a long expired “make-your-own-doggie-treat” kit.
**** 5. And lastly have you ever touched anything, like poison ivy or a sea urchin (get your mind out of the gutter, people) that you’ve regretted?
Oh, sure. There’s lots of live electrical wires in my past. Also, you’d be surprised how hard it can be to tell that something is on fire before it’s too late. But it gets much, much worse…
Once upon a time, I accidentally found myself living in a slum in Alaska. There was a blood stain on the mattress where someone (prostitute? Junky? Mailman?) had been stabbed not long before I moved in. But I was compelled to make the situation work, so I chose to believe it was a coffee stain. I covered it with my sleeping bag, and resolved not to touch it. A few months in, I woke up one morning and discovered to my horror that I had somehow rolled off my sleeping bag and was laying face down in that odious stain. BALLS! I ran outside in my underwear and started rounding up bottles of industrial chemicals to douse myself with. I spent several hours soaking in carcinogens and scrubbing at my hide with a rusty wire brush. Yuck!
For more balltastic adventures follow The Wandering Atavist
Next week’s features the one and only sandylikeabeach
Want your own feature SPaM? email me at heellisgoa@gmail.com
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Now that this SPaM post is finished it’s time to let you in on some sad news. Sad because my favorite new blog buddy is leaving New England for the balmy shores of Florida. I’d like to think if we had ever met; our conversation would have sounded something like this:
My Secret Admirer – Two
It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This is the second week that the secret admirer wasn’t guessed by a blogger in the comments, so there are no winners of my ebook except for the secret admirer himself. Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
Dear What’s your name,
I am sorry that I don’t remember your name. I also forgot your phone number, so I had to hack your email account to find your email address. I had to write and tell you how much I enjoyed our dinner date last night. You were worth every penny I paid for the meal. I know you must have liked your burger. God, those Big Macs are to die for. Hopefully, after buying you a fancy dinner, you can repay me by putting out. I find myself falling for you quickly, hopefully after our next date we can plan a family and have lots of kids.
I am glad that you aren’t as fat as you looked on your Facebook profile. As much as I loved looking into your eyes, I really liked your low cut top. Please wear that one on our next date. For our next date, I was hoping that you could treat me. Hopefully you wont be taking me to McDonalds, I am in the mood for something a bit more costly. Maybe afterwards, we can go make out in the back seat of my car, or at your place. I will bring beer.
When we meet up, I promise to write your phone number down in the men’s bathroom so that I don’t forget it anymore.
Love,
Mel
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Dear Mel,
I’m sorry, but my father Dave said that I cannot pursue a relationship with you. I am truly disappointed as you were the only man who wasn’t turned off by my pasty skin, freckled face and penchant for wearing my red hair in pigtails.
“A rose by any other name…”
Sigh….
Yours in secret,
- Wendy
This week’s secret admirer is….
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Love Letters Gone Wrong – Two
It’s time for another LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG and a chance at guessing this week’s secret admirer! For the benefit of our British friends I’ve decided from now on I’m going to post my response to the love letters along with the big reveal of it’s author on Sunday mornings, New England Patriots time.
For those of you who missed last week’s love letter you can catch it again at LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG – ONE and then the author’s big reveal here at SPaM AND CHIPS with Megan.
HINT: The secret admirer for this week’s love letter is a featured blogger of one of my past SPaM posts. If you’d like to contribute a Love Letter Gone Wrong contact me at heellisgoa@gmail. Now on with the letter!
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Dear What’s your name,
I am sorry that I don’t remember your name. I also forgot your phone number, so I had to hack your email account to find your email address. I had to write and tell you how much I enjoyed our dinner date last night. You were worth every penny I paid for the meal. I know you must have liked your burger. God, those Big Macs are to die for. Hopefully, after buying you a fancy dinner, you can repay me by putting out. I find myself falling for you quickly, hopefully after our next date we can plan a family and have lots of kids.
I am glad that you aren’t as fat as you looked on your Facebook profile. As much as I loved looking into your eyes, I really liked your low cut top. Please wear that one on our next date. For our next date, I was hoping that you could treat me. Hopefully you wont be taking me to McDonalds, I am in the mood for something a bit more costly. Maybe afterwards, we can go make out in the back seat of my car, or at your place. I will bring beer.
When we meet up, I promise to write your phone number down in the men’s bathroom so that I don’t forget it anymore.
Love,
Mel
Mean Mean Mom
As perfect as I like to think my children are, there are often times when they are anything but. The most recent embodiment of all that imperfection is my fourteen year-old son, Junior.
Like any parent I try to balance discipline with compassion as I guide him with a firm but gentle hand. But punishment is no easy task when your son out grows you by the time he’s eleven. That leaves me no option but to improvise.
Anyone who has a teenager knows the key to obedience is embarrassment, and as the parent of a teenager I have no problem with playing dirty. Below is a YouTube example of exactly the kind of thing I do to my children on a daily basis. In fact, my children are so traumatized conditioned to their response to my random public dancing that they obey as well as Pavlov’s dogs the moment the muzak cues in. So now I give you….JUNIOR’S WORST NIGHTMARE!
SPaM and Chips
As promised I will reveal the name of the secret admirer who wrote Friday’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG at the bottom of this blog post. But first, onto some British SPaM!
I thought this week’s SPaM post featuring my Verynormal gal pal Megan would practically write itself as I consider her part of my family. But trying to encapsulate all there is to know about this British ball of wonder in a single blog post is a near to impossible task and required me to call in reinforcements. I give you Megan, as seen through the questions of my own family.
**** 1. Question number one comes from my daughter Mini Me and she asks, “When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up, and what do you want to be now?”
I wanted to be a Zoologist, I know I was a nerdy kid but I had a fascination with animals, studying them would have been my perfect job but then, I do not actually know what happened, I guess I realised that animals were just the start, Dragons and Werewolf’s were going to be the middle and who know what the end will be but at the moment writing and teaching are both my aims.
**** 2. Question number two comes from my son Junior who asks, “What made you start a blog?”
My writing, I needed a way to justify staying up till stupid hours in the morning writing words, I needed to know I was actually good at it, so far so good! I have met some amazingly wonderful people, one being H.E.
**** 3. Question number three comes from my son Prince Charming who asks, “What are you studying in school?”
I love the word school, because technically I left school 2 and a half years ago but I guess if I lived in America I would have only just left. I studied Sociology, Psychology, Biology and Chemistry at A level, which is at college here and now I am studying Childhood studies at college again ahaha I get people … I guess I finally realised animals were not my calling! I did not get into University but I guess that has been a good thing, I have time to write and that is all I need.
**** 4. Question number four comes from the bane of my existence, Just Jeb. “Where is the best place to party on a Saturday night?”
Well seen as though I can drink because I am 18 and in England that is legal… I do not actually know ahaha at home snuggled with Ben and my family. You’re all going to get an insight into where I live now Leeds is an amazing night out around town, I mean in one club/pub they bring shots around too you, Hull and York are also good nights out but I do not understand all the pushing to the bar stuff and I work on a Saturday and Sunday so I do not actually go out that often … When I do … It is never good ahaha.
**** 5. Mini Me asks you to tell us about your family.
I have the most amazing family (that includes you guys 
), My mum and dad are the best, My mum had me and my sisters very young, she was 17 when she had my older sister but they worked there arses off to get where they both are now and I respect them a lot. My sisters are like my best friends and we get on amazingly well for sisters. Family is your rock … Never forget that.
**** 6. Junior asks you to tell us about your boyfriend, Ben.
Oh gosh, do you have all day, I love him so much and people do not think you can be in love at eighteen but people are wrong, he saved me, he really did. I was in a place that was not good, I had a psycho best friend and an unhealthy relationship with the wrong boy … Ben was my knight and now he is my pillow at night ahaha!!
**** 7. Jeb asks, “What is the most confusing thing Americans do/say/or think, and what assumption about England do Americans have that is completely wrong?
Erm I do not actually know, I have to Google all the food stuff you lot say like Krispy Kremes, They look yummy but I could not eat them (I am allergic to wheat) I won’t lie to you guys, I had Americans all wrong, I am going to hate what I am going to say, I thought you were all stupid and up tight… that you guys like did not get jokes and just sat eating MacDonalds all day … That is so stereotypical, I am sorry and I was wrong! Really wrong.
We do not all drink tea, I for one hate it and scones ahaha! We are mad about Rugby and Football and we all talk nowhere near as posh as you think we all do.
**** 8. Prince Charming asks, “You’ve recently discovered American football. What’s your take on our sport, and do you have a favorite team?”
You have too many breaks in it ahaha but apart from that I really like it! I mean I like sport, I am getting a New England Patriots shirt for Christmas from my mum and dad. Woop!!
**** 9. Now I ask, “You give some great relationship advice. What’s the one thing you could pass along to all the single girls your age out there?”
There is so much I would say, I mean my biggest one would be… Love yourself before having sex, that might seem stupid but too many people do it just so they can say they did it then they feel terrible after know that they would never want to remember that as there special ‘night’ another one would be guys are trustworthy, I mean you have a beautiful example in Prince Charming, from what we have spoken about anyway. Lads are not as horrible as most girls make out.
**** 10. Lastly, “What can you tell us about your book Realm Keepers, and what are your plans for the remainder of the series?”
Ohhhh I didn’t know you had all day, Realm Keepers is my Fantasy fiction love child, it was the start of getting back into writing during my ‘A’ levels and it is the best this I have written to date. I mean there is more detail on my page These Four Kingdoms.. I do not wanna bore you all but this is my dream, I love writing and I can feel myself getting better at it every day. I mean I might even let you steal some to put in your writers corner ahaha. I always think people are going to hate my writing because most people tell me I am too young but now I have started blogging my confidence has grown and I owe a lot to the people who view my blog. These Four Kingdoms is hopefully going to go far… I have hope!!
I owe a lot to you H.E. And ‘Lola’ is just the start (Introducing Lola.)
Follow British darling Megan at Verynormal
Next week’s SPaM features THE WANDERING ATAVIST
Want your own featured SPaM post? Email me at heellisgoa@gmail.com
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THE IDENTITY OF FRIDAY’S SECRET ADMIRER IS:
Ten Thousand Hits
According to my site stats I’ve recently passed the 10,000 mark for blog hits. I’d like to thank everyone out there who’s taken the time to visit, and I’d like to add an extra thank you to my top four commenters:
Don’t forget to visit this past Friday’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG post and leave your guess as to who (whom?) you think the secret admirer is in the comments. The author’s identity will be revealed with this Monday’s SPaM post featuring British darling Megan from Verynormal!
Now I leave you with a favorite song of mine that I find appropriate. Actually, I’d write an entire blog post just to find a way to link a Disturbed song to it. Enjoy!
Love Letters Gone Wrong – One
Welcome to the first edition of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG. For a recap of what this chicanery is all about I’ll run down the idea I presented in my last post:
Every Friday night I will be posting a new anonymous “secret admirer” love letter gone wrong. What I’d like you all to do is scan my blogroll, pick who you think the secret admirer is and leave your answer in the comments. I’ll post the answer with the following Monday’s SPaM post and give the commenter with the first correct guess a free copy of my ebook.
Since my blogroll is rather epic, I’ve decided to give you all a hint. The following love letter was written by one of the readers who clicked “like” for my CONFESSIONS OF A STAR WARS VIRGIN blog post. Choose which blogger you believe is responsible for the love letter below and then leave your guess in the comments. The first reader to guess correctly wins a free copy of my ebook. So without further ado, I give you:
LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG
Dear H.E.,
I hope this isn’t weird and stuff but I love your blog. I think you’re the best writer on all of WordPress. I think I probably read all your stuff several times. I also think I have managed to find most of your comments, and they’re as stimulating as your site stuff. I even bought your book and I’m reading that now, again.
I also want to write and someday I know I will be an actual author like you. You could probably teach me a lot since you’re so good at it. I am working on a story now too. It is this total epic fantasy with elves and stuff, except they have to find a ring and not get rid of one ha ha. I imagined you when I wrote the main character’s love interest, Electra, who is an elf with magical powers. She always appears with forest animals and stuff, who bring her food in the morning.
I know that H.E. is not your actual name because almost nobody gives out their information online anymore. So when I have conversations with you to myself, I call you “Veronica.” I think that fits and I bet I’m right, aren’t I? Some people think you are a guy, but I know you’re not. Maybe you are trying to fool everyone with that a little bit, but I can tell.
So now I have to ask the big question. Veronica, would it be okay if maybe someday we could go on a date? I don’t mean like on Skype, which would be cool if you want to go slow. But maybe an in-person date, if that’s ok. I’ve imagined a lot of them and so I’m sure it will go well and stuff, if you know what I mean. I’m willing to drive most of the way to (my town name removed), which I hope you don’t mind but I figured out from your I.P. and some time on Google.
I am not a stalker or creepy guy, trust me. If you want to go slow I will be patient and wait for you to be ready. If you give me a chance I think someday we could write beautiful stories together. The attached photo might be kinda racy, but I assumed that other guys probably sent you stuff, mainly of their thigys. I figured you would want to see the whole deal.
Let me know. In my mind, I am waiting in the dewy glade for my Electra (Veronica).
[Name, email, mailing address and disgusting photo removed]
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Dear (Redacted),
While I am touched and honored to be the recipient of your attention, I must ask that you cease sending your hand sketches of me in the “all together.” I’m not sure how much experience you’ve had with women, but I can assure you that some time spent in a high school health class would be a wise investment.
In regards to the picture of your “thingy,” you might want to consider a visit to your general practitioner, as I do not believe the size, shape and overall color of your “member” to be entirely healthy. Please do not feel the need to send me follow-up photos. I’m Italian which means I’ve seen enough eggplant in my lifetime.
From a writing stand point I must caution you against seeking agent representation for your novel, HENRY PORTER AND THE DUKES OF THE EARRINGS until you have revised the excerpt you included in your last email. Simply replacing the names FRODO and VOLDEMORT with the names FRODOLPHO and VOLDEWART does not imply original work on your part, I’m sorry to say.
Please do not contact me further, as I am in fact NOT an elf with “bitchin’ sweater meat.”
Sternly,
Let’s just go with “Veronica”
Spotlight: Whorrible
Lately I’ve developed an appreciation for poetry, specifically in bad love letter form. A few of my clever readers have sent me their own take on “Love Letters Gone Wrong” and it gave me a wicked yet brilliant idea.
Every Friday night I will be posting a new anonymous “secret admirer” love letter gone wrong. What I’d like you all to do is scan my blogroll, pick who you think the secret admirer is and leave your answer in the comments. I’ll post the answer with the following Monday’s SPaM post and give the commenter with the first correct guess a free copy of my ebook.
I encourage anyone who wants to write a truly terrible love letter to email me at heellisgoa@gmail.com
Now let’s move from terrible to Whorrible in the form of some really good poetry and prose offered by fellow blogger Johnathan Borden. His two recently released works entitled LOTION FOR THE LOCUST and A GLUTTON’S BOUNTY are available to read on the WHORRIBLE blog. Jonathan Borden describes himself as a Conformalist poet and freelance graphic artist based in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, who is known for his revival of confessional writing and his album covers. His writing is raw and his artwork borders the avant guarde. Check him out and be sure to send in some really bad love letters gone wrong.
