(insert pithy rejoinder here)

Secret SPaM – Part One

For this week’s SPaM I had the privilege of sitting down to an interview with a man who’s known world wide; a man whose public persona is larger than life, but whose private world is shrouded in a centuries old mystery. In this three part series we will discuss his career, his home life, his influence and ultimately his legacy. This is by far the most in-depth probe I’ve ever done for a SPaM post that I believe you’ll find both eye-opening as well as entertaining. Today I sit down with none other than…

SANTA CLAUS.

Part one of our interview takes place in Santa’s private quarters at his North Pole command center. Haggard and spent from last night’s epic trip around the world, he nurses what the elves tell me is his “tonic,” prompting me to open questions quickly and dive right into the meat of his story:

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61 responses

  1. Yeah, that’s the guy that sent me that shitty response…

    Like

    December 26, 2011 at 1:31 am

    • Sorry Sparkles. I say we vote him out and elect a Mrs. Claus. Her platform can be, “Shoes in every closet and sparkles for everyone!”

      Like

      December 26, 2011 at 8:29 am

      • I can’t possibly please EVERYONE…

        Like

        December 26, 2011 at 8:44 am

        • You’re right. We’ll stick to you just pleasing me. ;)

          Like

          December 26, 2011 at 8:45 am

  2. Poor Santa… sounds like modern technology has turned him into a drunken grump! Looking forward to what Mrs. Claus has to say. :D

    Like

    December 26, 2011 at 5:02 am

  3. You caught brain in a red suit and high heels and cornered him into an interview didn’t you ?

    Like

    December 26, 2011 at 5:30 am

  4. Oh. My. God. THIS IS AWESOME!!! Love this interview…can’t wait to hear Mrs. Claus’ response…You know, you think you know the big guy in red, but really you don’t. Eye opening. Really.

    Like

    December 26, 2011 at 6:50 am

    • And it’s a three parter!! Santa’s got LOTS to say.

      Like

      December 26, 2011 at 8:30 am

  5. I don’t know whether to be pissed that you’re dissing my idol here, or just laugh my ass off because this is brilliantly funny! Good job! :lol:

    Like

    December 26, 2011 at 7:13 am

    • Yeah, I was sweating sacrilege here. Thanks for being a good sport. :)

      Like

      December 26, 2011 at 8:31 am

      • Of course! I was just kidding about the “dissing my idol” thing anyway. I do love Santa (the idea of Santa anyway) but I also have a twisted sense of humor and anyone who can make me laugh that hard get’s a “thumbs-up”. Besides, I don’t go for posting negative shit on blogs; if you don’t like it just move on. ;)

        Like

        December 26, 2011 at 4:46 pm

        • Which is why you are always welcome here!

          Like

          December 26, 2011 at 4:50 pm

  6. Most original Christmas post on WordPress! Well done!

    Like

    December 26, 2011 at 7:51 am

    • Thanks! Tell me, you must have encountered a man like this once or twice is your profession. My condolences.

      Like

      December 26, 2011 at 8:32 am

  7. Santa needs to get laid….

    Like

    December 26, 2011 at 8:34 am

    • You have no idea.

      Like

      December 26, 2011 at 8:35 am

      • This is where I would chime in and say, HO HO HO. but I won’t.

        Like

        December 27, 2011 at 9:16 am

  8. This is a hard-hitting interview, and I’m glad you quickly dove right into the meat of this big red man’s story

    Like

    December 26, 2011 at 9:07 am

    • God I wish I’d thought of that.

      Like

      December 26, 2011 at 9:08 am

      • I think you did. That’s why there’s this penetrating interview that gets deep inside this rotund giftslinger.

        Like

        December 26, 2011 at 9:28 am

        • Rotund giftslinger? That’s it. I’m totally plagiarizing this comment for Part-three!

          Like

          December 26, 2011 at 9:30 am

  9. Who knew Santa has such a potty mouth.

    Like

    December 26, 2011 at 9:57 am

  10. Nice job. After seeing this side of Santa I understand more, even a guy that works one night out of the year, his job is quickly becoming obsolete. Nobody wants to play with wood, it’s all about plastic and batteries now. An under-appreciated man who only comes once a year and most don’t even believe he’s real, yeah you would be drunk too. All respect to you Santa.

    Like

    December 26, 2011 at 10:11 am

    • Why does it not surprise me that you would think he’s awesome?

      Like

      December 26, 2011 at 12:58 pm

      • H R Nightmare

        So what if I think Santa is awesome? I am in awe of the man. He only works 1 night a year, lives off of milk and cookies and can see everyone being naughty (hello Sparkles) at any time. What’s not to love?

        Like

        December 26, 2011 at 7:19 pm

  11. zencherry

    Mwahahaa! Santa and the cookies, the ‘white’ Christmas…it all suddenly makes sense.

    Like

    December 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

  12. Barbara Walters is going to be so jealous you bagged the Santa interview…

    Like

    December 26, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    • I’ll admit she was up for it first, but I heard at the last minute she got placed on the “Naughty” list. Makes you wonder….

      Like

      December 26, 2011 at 1:51 pm

  13. Wholly cookies and milk! Who knew?

    Like

    December 26, 2011 at 5:11 pm

  14. I think the blow he’s snorting is cut with something worse than baby laxatives. Is he giving out orgasms again this year?

    Like

    December 26, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    • I didn’t get any so I guess I’m on the “Naughty” list. Or maybe it’s the “Nice” one…..

      Like

      December 26, 2011 at 5:19 pm

  15. I think Santa has a little attitude problem.

    Like

    December 26, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    • I’m thinking being surrounded by non-stop holiday music doesn’t help.

      Like

      December 27, 2011 at 1:00 pm

  16. Somewhere, a child has booted up his new laptop he received for Christmas. Filled with joy and thanks, he went straight to google to find where to email his thanks to the Wondrous Elven Red One. Excitedly clicked one of the links he found that led to a wordpress site. (because it had such exciting tags as Christmas, Holidays, Interview, Sex and Porn.

    And is now bawling his eyes out.
    Thanks H. E.

    (No.I am not that child. But I used to tease the little wimp at lunch every day.)

    Like

    December 27, 2011 at 10:44 am

    • OMG….That’s going to be the official title of my next book:

      SEX, PORN, HOLIDAY, CHRISTMAS

      On sale wherever tinsel and dildos are sold.

      Like

      December 27, 2011 at 12:56 pm

      • 9 stores just popped into mind.

        Like

        December 27, 2011 at 1:39 pm

        • Toys for Twats? FAO Schlong? Fredericks of The North Pole?
          Crap. That’s all I’ve got. Damnit where the hell is Hotspur?

          Like

          December 27, 2011 at 1:42 pm

          • Think he’s on line 7 of his last post.
            *CRASH*
            Ah. Line 8.

            Let’s see…The Salivation Army, Toys R Butts, Five Guys Burgers and Fish?
            Wow, I’m going to stop – this won’t get any better…

            Like

            December 27, 2011 at 1:45 pm

            • Ok, that’s it. You’re totally getting SPaMmed. Don’t make plans for March 5th.

              Like

              December 27, 2011 at 1:48 pm

              • Well, OK, but I’ll be heavily sedated then as early March is my annual trip to Indonesia to get my feet scraped.
                They use sea urchins and water lilies!

                Like

                December 27, 2011 at 1:59 pm

                • I just threw up in my mouth. Although water lilies sound better than a “milk” bath. Gag.

                  Like

                  December 27, 2011 at 2:12 pm

                  • If you were in Spinal Tap, it would have been someone else’ mouth.

                    Like

                    December 27, 2011 at 2:18 pm

          • Victoria’s Secret Santa, Toys N Us, McWhoremick and Schick, Forever XXI Inches, Jesus n Things, Great Clits, SuperCunts, Labia Shack?

            Sorry, that’s all I could come up with in 5 minutes. Dare Me Queen? InBack Steakhouse?

            Hancock Fabric?

            Like

            December 27, 2011 at 8:24 pm

            • FINALLY! You never disappoint, EH.

              Like

              December 27, 2011 at 11:19 pm

              • That’s what she said. Until she looked in my wallet.

                Like

                December 27, 2011 at 11:29 pm

                • Dude, I’m begging you, get help!

                  Like

                  December 28, 2011 at 8:26 am

                  • I’ve got a team of writers that come up with a lot of this stuff already. Is that what you meant?

                    Like

                    December 28, 2011 at 10:33 am

                    • *banging head against desk. Repeatedly.*

                      Like

                      December 28, 2011 at 10:42 am

  17. Santa revealed! (reality show in works?)

    Like

    December 27, 2011 at 7:00 pm

  18. I found you via Life in the Farce Lane, and, contrary to everything I consider holy, I clicked on your link. I spend too much time doing this blog stuff. I don’t like it one bit. In fact, the last thing I need is another blogger to follow. But what can I say? When Santa starts throwing words around like “fucking,” I gotta get in line.

    Like

    January 2, 2012 at 10:10 am

    • Welcome aboard the crazy train! It only gets worse, I promise you. :)

      Like

      January 2, 2012 at 10:15 am

  19. Pingback: ***DATELINE – SANTA*** « H.E. ELLIS

  20. Pingback: JAILBREAK AT THE NORTH POLE « H.E. ELLIS

  21. Pingback: Oh F*cking Canada! | BrainRants

  22. Pingback: Twisted Fictioneer Interview with BrainRants | H.E. ELLIS

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