(insert pithy rejoinder here)

Sparkle’s Rockin’ New Year

Whenever I think about New Years Eve specific images spring to mind; social gatherings, alcoholic beverages, fireworks…..kissing. So I thought to myself, what better way to showcase all that is magical about New Years Eve than with a feature post about the sparkliest woman I know? That’s right ladies and gentleman, I give you the one, the only….

SPARKLEBUMPS!

Thank you, my future wife! (If my Rockstar doesn’t marry me, that is.)

Take one part Dorothy Parker, one part Jessica Rabbit and two parts Dolly Parton *snicker.* Mix together and serve in a pair of five inch pink stiletto heels and you have my girl Sparklebumps.

Whether she’s swooning over her own personal Rockstar or daydreaming of giving Chris Meloni the boobie-squishing of a lifetime, this larger than life– “Umm, excuse me, did you just imply that I’m fat?” bombshell– “Oh, you are forgiven. XOXO” makes everyone she meets instantly fall in love with her. “Except that one guy that one time, but I think he might have been gay…” And since no one blog post can come close to encapsulating the woman in all her glittering glory, I’ve decided to ask what advice Sparklebumps might give us in the hopes of bringing a little sparkle to our own New Years Eve holiday.

****1. What does a typical Sparklebumps New Years Eve look like?

Well, H.E., sadly I have never created a New Year’s tradition. However, last year I spent the night putting together two beauteous red red bookshelves to hold all of my books. The night ended with me on the verge of wanting to stab myself in the eye with a screwdriver. NOT the alcoholic kind.

****2. You have been described as, “oozing sex appeal.” Is this a natural ability or a cleverly executed skill? What can women do to channel their own inner Sparklebumps?

Honestly, I have no idea what they’re talking about. I find myself to be the complete opposite of sexy. The best advice I can give is buy a pair of really tall heels, and agree with your significant other that “Hell, yeah, that chic is hot.” when his eyes wander. If you are jealous of other women (or men) it makes you very beautifically-impaired.

****3. It’s no secret that men, and quite a few women, find you utterly desirable. What advice would you give women about how to harness the awesome power that is raw sex appeal?

Well, no one can be me, but I guess the best thing to do would be to just emulate me as much as possible. ;)

****4. Tell us about the moment during your childhood when you discovered you were sparklier than the other little girls.

Technically, my sparklyness came much later. But I DO remember a time when I was about 4 years old and I imagined that I was a lion lording over a field of Cabbage Patch Children (my friends). I guess my imagination gets a little carried away sometimes….

****5. In addition to your bombshell persona you are an avid reader with a passion for books. If you were free to write your own novel right now, what would it be about?

I AM free to write whatever I want whenever I want. (well, almost.) Really, this tends to be my biggest problem. My brain has so many different stories and ideas that it is almost completely impossible for me to sit down and concentrate on one thing long enough to write a book. This is why I’ve several started and none completed. However, Love is the thing, you know, so anything that I write will most definitely have a love angle in it.

The only way I know how to write is by taking from personal experience. That and having read many many books and realizing what I do and don’t like in the way an author writes. I know my writing is very raw (or so I’ve been told) and I don’t know if that’s a good thing, but if the comments on my blog are any indication, I guess I’m doing ok.

The first chapter of the book I have most completed is featured in my post, “First Chapter.”

****6. Tell us about your Rockstar. What first attracted you to him, and what do you do to keep the fires burning?

My Rockstar is just a little bit awesome. (That’s an understatement there, in case anyone missed it.) Honestly, the first thing that attracted me to him was the fact that he played guitar. Maybe it was because I haven’t known many musicians, who knows. He was also just extremely NICE. Which is funny, since in the beginning of our relationship, the names “cunt” and “asshole” were thrown around quite a bit. One of the things I appreciate though, is that he is a single father who is there for his daughter. (Even if it DOES take the attention away from me. ;) )

Hmmm, to keep the fires burning? I give plenty of blowjobs,(sometimes while watching porn) I sometimes send nudey texts, (which don’t receive much in the way of applause, Understandably), I try to cook for him, (the way to a man’s heart, yes?) and I buy him beer. (because that’s just common sense.) Also, giving a man his space works wonders.

****7. How will you be spending this New Years Eve, and what is the one wish you’ll make when the clock strikes midnight?

I will be spending the night with my Rockstar and his Daughter, (which sounds boring, but really isn’t.) I may be wearing a pair of new heels to celebrate, and when the clock strikes midnight? It depends.

If he and I are in the midst of red-hot sex (after his daughter goes to sleep), I may just be wishing that we will always and forever have awesome sex, even when we are old. (with the help of Viagra, if necessary.) If all three of us are still awake, mayhap I will just be wishing we will be a lovely little family forever. Also, I will be wishing this is the year I get my Boss Mustang. :) XOXO

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Beauty, Boobs, and Brains. Sparklebumps is the whole package. What more could you wish for? I for one will be wishing that this time next year Santa will have found a way to stuff a hot pink Mustang down Sparkle’s chimney.

That sounded oddly naughty….

That’s ok, H.E. Most of my thoughts are pretty naughty, too….

47 responses

  1. It’s like Naughty and Nice got together and had hot monkey sex, and this post was the result of their offspring mating with one of my fucked up ideas and giving birth to awespring.

    Sorry, my SIL is here with her boyfriend, and he’s shorter than me, and she’s acting like a completely different person (stepford), and yet she’s the same (brought a case of beer), and I’ve been drinking (still just 3), and you can’t spell “parenthetical reference” without ‘pathetic’. I’ll just ramble a little bit more, and then I’ll hit enter and publish this bitch. Hi and happy New Year’s Eve. I suppose it would be fair to say that I’m drunk. Or ‘in the zone’. I don’t know. Aaaaaaand….. cut!

    Like

    December 31, 2011 at 2:09 am

  2. WOW, JUST WOW.

    Like

    December 31, 2011 at 9:47 am

    • That’s a good wow, right?

      Like

      January 1, 2012 at 3:23 pm

      • Hell yea it is. There’s no such thing as a bad wow with you.
        Maybe an exasperated wow, A can’t breath wow, or even a the earth just shifted on its axis wow. But never a bad wow.

        Like

        January 1, 2012 at 4:03 pm

        • Lay it on thick, baby.

          Like

          January 1, 2012 at 4:06 pm

          • THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID. oh come on you were all thinking it.

            Like

            January 1, 2012 at 4:06 pm

        • Are you flirting with me? You better make sure you don’t have any wives or such that are going to freak out on me before you do that… ;)

          Like

          January 1, 2012 at 5:37 pm

          • The closest thing I’ve got to that is an ex-husband, and I hear he’s into that kinda thing… ;)

            Like

            January 1, 2012 at 5:46 pm

  3. down her chimney? hehehehe

    Like

    December 31, 2011 at 9:59 am

  4. talker96

    As much as I love her site, and I actually read it, it’s one of the few I do…I must say that the word Sparklebumps always strikes me as being a really hot case of Herpes. That being said, great post again H.E. and I mean no disrespect to Sparkle, especially since it’s the first case of herpes I would actually consider getting.(but I know that it isn’t what it means….I’ll just stop digging this hole I’m digging any deeper)

    Like

    December 31, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    • Don’t worry about the digging. I spent most of my day yesterday writing Herpes themed limericks. Seriously.

      Like

      December 31, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    • That could be taken as a compliment, depending on what you meant by ‘digging this hole’.

      Like

      December 31, 2011 at 1:13 pm

      • Edward Hotpsur, ladies and gentlemen. The innuendo king. :)

        Like

        December 31, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    • I assure you, I possess no such diseases…

      Like

      January 1, 2012 at 3:24 pm

  5. In your endo.

    Like

    December 31, 2011 at 1:29 pm

  6. Like a mini-SPaM to put the year to bed. While it’s drunk. And then give it a tattoo on its forehead.

    Like

    December 31, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    • And then post pics the next morning on your blog.

      Like

      January 1, 2012 at 4:35 pm

  7. I have noticed there hasn’t been much Ms. Bumps on this comment stream, then I saw her preparing to be lowered for new year instead of the ball. I guess the committee figured since it’s the last year of life on this planet, why not go out with a smile? And she was sparklier.

    Like

    December 31, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    • Doesn’t surprise me a bit.

      Like

      December 31, 2011 at 9:40 pm

    • I was going to say “her balls dropped a long time ago”, but I think I just did. I’m leaving the reference ambiguous. Sparkly New Year! I hope she’s not at the Hut.

      Like

      December 31, 2011 at 10:14 pm

      • I assure you, my balls are intact. And they are way bigger that yours, Ed. ;) So there.

        Like

        January 1, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    • Yes, I’m sorry. I was busy getting lowered…but really. What more can I say about myself? It just sounds cocky if I continuously keep commenting about myself… Oh wait. I have an entire blog devoted to that.

      Like

      January 1, 2012 at 3:26 pm

  8. Sparkle is pretty cool :D

    Like

    January 1, 2012 at 9:54 am

  9. This comments section is so dirty. I can’t believe I participated in this. I am just disgusted by the lot of you, and I love it. Keep it coming!

    Like

    January 1, 2012 at 6:32 pm

  10. I love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love this!

    Like

    January 1, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    • She loves me. ;) Too, I mean.

      Like

      January 2, 2012 at 7:08 am

      • I wish I had a LOVE button for you Sparkles. Wait a minute…. ;)

        Like

        January 2, 2012 at 7:56 am

  11. Great post. I wanted to read the chapter of SBs book first. It’s good. Keep writing! I’m perplexed though. She said she gives her Rockstar blow jobs to “keep the fires burning” and I’m wondering if that works. I hadn’t really thought of that angle.

    Like

    January 4, 2012 at 10:50 pm

  12. Reblogged this on H.E. ELLIS and commented:

    This is much too good to only run once. Please to enjoy…

    Like

    December 31, 2012 at 7:00 pm

  13. I’m still fucking laughing. Had to Twitter this one. Great Post Sparkles :)
    Happy New Year!

    Like

    January 1, 2013 at 1:57 am

  14. Way to make me feel just a little bit more awesome! Thanks for posting it again! XOXO

    Like

    January 2, 2013 at 4:02 pm

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