What’s Your Blues Name?
This is odd and random but I couldn’t help myself. I’ve been laughing at this stupid thing longer than I’d like to admit.
Shawarma SPaM
This week’s SPaM features a blogger who brings new meaning to the phrase, “It’s a small world.” He describes himself as, “a 19 year old Civil Engineering student at …..a random college in THE most crowded subcontinent on the planet. I grew up in the Middle East around shawarma and KFC with massive portions. Naturally I have a thing for food.”
In addition to his appetite for food this Indian boy wonder is a prolific blogger, reader and ranter. Just don’t ask him for a ride. Welcome to SPaM our very own…RANTONIT.
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**** 1.What is an Indian Mechanism?
Contrary to popular belief, Indians are not inherently nuts. (Completely irrevocably nuts). No, they arrive at that end result as a result of being tagged Indian. I mean, that and reading self help books which tell you to be different.
Let me explain. Every day the whole country gets up and asks this question: How on earth do you distinguish yourself between 1.2 billion people? Quite hard you’d assume.
So with everyone trying to be different and everyone having quite the same DNA (I swear India got started with two people with the libidos of rabbits (which clearly has been passed down the ages = 1.2 billion)) results in, wouldn’t you believe it, exactly the same twat-like behavior.
Thus what you call Indian Mechanisms, mostly literally, how we operate.
**** 2.What inspired you to pursue an education in Civil Engineering?
How I got around to civil engineering eh? Well, it started in 3rd grade when I wanted, more than anything in the world to be a pilot. That then changed to being an aeronautical engineer (oh yeah), then I wanted to become a computer science engineer (see a pattern?) and hence in 11th grade I took comp sci. in school which involved C++ and in no time I decided I wanted to be an Architect which, now that I think about it, is where I should have stopped. Then I wanted to do mech. Engineering and finally got civil. So there, the lifecycle till 19, of an average Indian.
**** 3. What inspired your latest hair, er…lack of hair style?
Dandruff problem was the official line because it was brilliant. Really, Indians all over are happy if they’ve judged you just a little each day, even if it was over you having had dandruff (an apparent failing on your part). That and a Dandruff problem’ was a two word answer I could shout out to passing people who asked me the question, or even to those open palms lifted in the same question. Really, that happened a lot.
However, I had an actual reason; the hair meant a lot and cutting it, even more so. It is something I’d make a post of, but in plain simple words, I shaved my head everyday because, hey, I looked so damn good that way ……and it was there to remind me that I frankly don’t give a rats ass about people judging me. ALSO to remind me to stay in the present, firmly. Not to get happy about things that might or might not happen in the future because that’s a lesson that seems to rush me by how many ever times I have it stapled onto my forehead. So there’s an honest answer.
**** 4. Tell us about the notorious drivers in India.
Well, let’s put it this way, I wasn’t born with un-descended testicles and seeing as I haven’t been driving in India for a month or so now, I’m expecting them down any day now.
**** 5. What is the biggest misconception people have about India?
I wouldn’t know, see. I grew up in the Middle East, in Muscat. Been there since age 6 and all of a sudden, in March of 2010, I find myself in India. How do you think I liked that? Blew my mind completely. Honestly, I’m not the Indian to be asking this question, growing up in the Middle East and being Indian, I had a very mixed up bunch of views on India. Bollywood movies weren’t the most reliable yardsticks either as I have painfully learned. But one thing I can tell you, if you’re here for anything other than a holiday and maybe even in that case, it is not a mystical nice place with friendly wisdom-ous people. It will almost kill you and as the Joker said, “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”
**** 6. Many of your blog posts focus on your love of food. What is your favorite traditional Indian dish and your favorite international dish?
Erm, favorite food? U mad bro? Do you not remember, in every post, how I stress my consumption of everything consumable and some not? I’m the man who invented the post dessert snack. I do love all Indian food, really I do and all other food for that matter. The unhealthier the better.
**** 7. What are your favorite book, movie and song?
My favorite book of ALL time would have to be ‘The Fountainhead’ by Ayn Rand and she is my favorite author. I won’t ruin it by talking about it and another book of hers, Atlas Shrugged shows a lot of promise as well, 1/4th the way through it atm.
My favorite song would have to be Let it be by John Lennon, and Bitter Sweet Symphony by The Verve aaaand Save Tonight by Eagle Eye Cherry aaand Elbow’s Grounds for Divorce instrumental ….but no, I actually love a lot of music; I absolutely love alt rock, Bach, country and mostly everything in between. Play rap, hip hop and any of that rubbish and I swear, Imma stuff bacon in your ears till you overheat your tiny little brain explodes. Absolutely love the Matrix trilogy, Inception, and a lot of sappy movies as well like…. No, I won’t live that one down.
**** 8. Where do you see yourself in five years?
I will have, by then eaten 1/5th of the world’s beef, up from 1/8th by the end of this year. My growth follows an elliptical curve.
For more Indian Mechanisms follow RANTONIT
Next week’s SPaM features novelist Skinnywhitewoman
For your own SPaM contact me at heellisgoa@gmail.com
My Secret Admirer – Nine
It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Find out who that winner is by clicking on the trophy to your right.
Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
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A Love letter of sorts
Here, a thought, an idea of mine,
considered by many as old as time:
love to be put down in rhyme.
While a little more than half your age
and admittedly a lot less profane,
my love for you extends over all hills
and most definitely includes thy mad writing skills.
To go on professing love for you Ellis,
one would have to make rhymes with likes of nellis,
for although not in the forces,
love would be cause to acknowledge, thy ability to break noses.
And last but not least, a love most pure,
is nothing without some sort of physical allure.
And on that note I wonder, ‘bout depths of my wrong,
should I have not remembered thou to be less than 5 feet long.
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Someone once wrote me a rhyme
to which he devoted some time.
I attempted the same
only mine sounded lame,
…uh, El Guapo, how ’bout a little help here?
CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:
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The Hellis 100 (51-60)
For the next installment of The Hellis 100 I’ve decided to tackle the topic of horror movie villains. Since no one loves a good horror flick more than I do (well, maybe Nick does), I’ve decided no Hellis list could be complete without my ten personal favorites. I give you:
THE TOP TEN SCARIEST HORROR MOVIE VILLAINS OF ALL TIME
Now I know there will be a great deal of debate here because like sex, what scares someone is just as subjective as what makes them feel good. The list below features what gets inside my head and pounds my fear button like a monkey on crack.
10. Asami Yamazaki – AUDITION
For those of you who have never seen this movie, DON’T. I’ve tried to watch it three times and have never been able to make it past the first thirty minutes. If you are truly a glutton for punishment go here first. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
9. Nosferatu – NOSFERATU
Even though I saw this movie as a kid, when people dress up like this particular incarnation of vampire today I am freaked the fuck out. Not bad for a movie made in 1922.
8. Fats – MAGIC
I have to admit that I have never seen this movie. I saw this commercial on television as a kid and it scared me so much that thirty-five years later I’m still freaked out enough to include it on this list.
7. Billy – THE SAW SERIES
Though never technically given a name in the SAW series, the puppet known as “Billy” scares the beejezus out of me. Thanks to him I can’t be within ten feet of a tricycle.
6. Pennywise – IT
I’d like to remind you all that the move “IT” was made for television and not a mainstream horror movie. None the less, simply mentioning the name “Pennywise” to anyone who’s seen it will bring about a shudder. That is a testimony to the acting ability of the great Tim Curry. I found the scariest moments weren’t the scenes where he had huge dripping fangs, but the ones where he is simply…menacing.
5. Frank Booth – BLUE VELVET
The least offensive thing about this character is his nearly New England level usage of the word “fuck.” This sociopath rapes, tortures, and mutilates all while huffing amyl nitrate and switching back and forth between two different personalities he refers to as “baby” and “daddy.” This movie should be watched with a Pollyanna chaser just to get the bad taste out of your head.
4. Max Cady – CAPE FEAR
Max Cady isn’t your ordinary everyday grudge stalker because this dude isn’t content to come for you, he’s coming for your daughter. My apologies to purists because as much as I loved Mitchum; DeNiro’s version of Max Cady was far more sadistic to me.
3. Alex Forrest – FATAL ATTRACTION
Cheating husbands and bunnies be warned; this deranged stalker will NOT be ignored.
2. Annie Wilkes – MISERY
A novelist with a kickass car meets his biggest fan. You do the math.
1. Buffalo Bill – SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
I know what you’re thinking and yes, Hannibal Lecter was the shit. But he’s not who scares me here. Above all others, the character that freaks me the fuck out most is Buffalo Bill. Because you think he’s normal. But make no mistake, Bill doesn’t want to rape you or torture you, he wants to BE YOU. It’s the ultimate insult to your humanity. There is nothing in the world that frightens me more than another person strutting around inside a Hellis skinsuit.
To this day the following song sends chills up my spine:
Love Letters Gone Wrong – Nine
It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG written and submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who “Liked” my SAY IT AIN’T SO post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.
A Love letter of sorts
Here, a thought, an idea of mine,
considered by many as old as time:
love to be put down in rhyme.
While a little more than half your age
and admittedly a lot less profane,
my love for you extends over all hills
and most definitely includes thy mad writing skills.
To go on professing love for you Ellis,
one would have to make rhymes with likes of nellis,
for although not in the forces,
love would be cause to acknowledge, thy ability to break noses.
And last but not least, a love most pure,
is nothing without some sort of physical allure.
And on that note I wonder, ‘bout depths of my wrong,
should I have not remembered thou to be less than 5 feet long.
The Hellis 100 (41-50)
Let me explain the process for which I selected this next installment of The Hellis 100. You’ll notice below that I have uploaded ten songs to this post. These are not a representation of songs that I am necessarily a fan of; they are songs that I have to sing no matter where I am or what I am doing at the time. So I give you…
THE TOP TEN SONGS THAT ONCE HEARD I AM COMPELLED TO SING
10. BEST OF MY LOVE – Emotions
9. FUCK YOU – Cee Lo Green
8. SAFETY DANCE – Men Without Hats
7. IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT – R.E.M.
6. BARENAKED LADIES – One Week
5. LOVE ME DEAD – Ludo
4. TRIBUTE – Tenacious D
3. BLACK WIDOW – Alice Cooper
2. SPACE ODDITY – David Bowie
1. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY – Queen
The Hellis 100 (31-40)
All right people, for the next installment of The Hellis 100 I’m asking for your help. I’ve called in a few of my New England cohorts for their input on some regional remedies for hangovers. What I’d like you all to do is add your own regional remedies to the list in the comments below. Now let’s get on with:
THE TOP TEN BEST FOODS TO EAT WHILE YOU’RE HUNGOVER – NEW ENGLAND EDITION
10. From the depraved mind of HR’s boy Looch comes…DEEP FRIED HOT DOGS
9. HR’s buddy Cisco uses heat as a hangover distraction with…BUFFALO WINGS
8. HR insists on this gastronomic catastrophe…THE STEAKBOMB
7. Jeb and his wrestling buddies indulge in the morning ritual of…DENNY’S GRAND SLAM
6. These next two remedies are Connecticut frat-house staples…LEFTOVER PIZZA CRUSTS
5. and DRY CHEERIOS
4. No New Englander starts his or her day without DUNKIN DONUTS COFFEE, even if they’re sober
3. If you’re ever hungover in Boston be prepared to be handed this concoction:
THE CLAMATO COCKTAIL
2. Hung over in New Hampshire? MAPLE SYRUP OVER SNOW will cure what ails you
And the number one remedy for a hangover anywhere is…HAIR OF THE DOG
The Hellis 100 (21-30)
Before I jump into the next installment of The Hellis 100 I’d like to let you know about a great blog called Mona Lisa Memoirs that I had the privilege of writing a dating disaster guest post for. Check it and her own stories out after reading this post. Now, onto the pretty…
What you may not know about real world me is that real world me has many gay friends, both male and female. During an inpromptu conversation the other day I happened to mention my blog and the need to come up with another ten item installment list. They put their heads together and came up with the following:
TOP TEN PEOPLE TO MAKE YOU QUESTION YOUR SEXUALITY
I decided to break this down into five women and five men, starting with…
5. NICOLE SHERZINGER. This Pussycat Doll’s vague ethnicity appeals to men and women alike.
4. JESSICA ALBA – There’s nothing vague about this Latina’s smoking hotness.
3. ANGELINA JOLIE – It turns out more women find her attractive than men. Just ask Sparklebumps.
2. SCARLETT JOHANSSON – The twenty-first century’s answer to the blonde bombshell.
And with a unanimous vote for number 1….SALMA HAYEK. I think it’s the dress.
Now onto the gentlemen, starting with…
5. ALEX PETTYFER – The combination of pretty boy and badass makes him an easy choice for number five.
4. WILLIAM LEVY – Telemundo’s definition of tall, dark and handsome.
3. JAMES MASLOW – The quintessential boy next door and my inspiration for Sawyer Hayden.
2. JENSEN ACKLES – One word. Guh…
And the man voted most likely to make men everywhere question their sexuality is…
RICKY MARTIN
Bubba SPaM
This week’s SPaM shakes things up a bit, as our featured blogger is webcomic cartoonist Andy B. Childress of BubbaWorld Comix; the host of a weekly digital periodical available for email.
“Every Monday you will be entertained by the humorous strips of QUICK APPLIANCE REPAIR (a strip about two idiot brothers working for their Dad) and MISSISSIPPI SWAMP DRAGONS (as the name suggests this strip is about a psychotic chicken in a floppy ear hat and a pessimistic clown). They are joined by a third humor strip by the name of BUBBA GNOMES. Basically gnomes with a redneck twist.”
This week we take a trip into the mind of this self-proclaimed “nut” and see what makes his pen tick.
**** 1. What first influenced you to become an artist, and how did that lead to the medium of webcomics?
When I was One year old I wanted a pencil and paper and I’ve never have put them down since. I have literally been drawing all of me life. When I was three I was fascinated by the Sunday funnies. I would lay in the floor and imitate them in my drawings. That’s when I decided I wanted to do comics when I got older…( notice I didn’t use the phrase ” grow up “)… Later I found out they had words with them. WHAT A CONCEPT! I got interested in comic books also starting with the Richie Rich’s and Casper’s and as I got older the Marvel & DC super heroes.
Back in those days we could buy them off a rack in any convenience store….and we rode the bus to school, uphill , both ways, in the snow…. As I read more super heroes I drew more super heroes. My first love was still the funny pages in newspapers though. I created HERMAN THE PSYCHOTIC CHICKEN by accident in 9th grade art class. It would still be years later before I knew what to do with him. My senior year term paper was on Comics. That was before the interwebs and I had to go to this brick building in the center of town they called a Library. During college I fleshed out HERMAN and paired him with a pessimistic Clown by the Name of KNOTHEAD. a couple of years later I started the QUICK APPLIANCE REPAIR strip. I would draw up strips and read articles to see what size to draw them and make reduce photo copies of them to store. At the time I didn’t know what to do with them , I just wrote and drew and stock piled. I would create a new strip here and there and keep drawing.
Eventually I started my own comics paper and published it for free monthly with ad money from it. I ran it for four years and used a website to promote the paper. I wished I realized then how better off I would have been to have used the paper to promote the website. I was reading comics on the web but I only had samples of my comics on the web and should have been updating it the whole time. Due to some family illnesses I shut down the paper and moved it totally to the web in 2007. I started the paper back WHILE KEEPING THE WEBSITE GOING but only for a few months before making it a digital periodical.
**** 2. How much of your characters in your comic strip are based on real people?
I once told a group of people that the majority of the characters were slivers of my own personality and if I didn’t write and draw them out that there was a good chance that I would turn into a schizophrenic with multiple personalities. I have over a hundred characters running thru me noggin.
The Digital Periodical actually comes out on Wednesday & Friday also. Each day has different humor strips and all three day have an action adventure sci fi serial that’s ongoing. Question 6 deals with that so let me list my humor strips. QUICK APPLIANCE REPAIR ( two idiot brothers working for their dad in the appliance repair business )… MISSISSIPPI SWAMP DRAGONS ( a psychotic chicken in a floppy ear hat and a pessimistic clown, there are two swamp dragons in the strip also )… DAWN OF TIME ( Bubba the caveman and his chimp friend Milo )… CAPN’ GEEZER ( space / time patrol and his companions, arch nemesis travels in a port-o-pottie time machine…. SPACE REDNECKS ( Houston MS with it’s own space program )… GOING BATTY ( mad scientist and the critters in his castle )…. BUBBA GNOMES ( mythology with a redneck twist )…. “!?!” ( a strip that will never have any words and rely solely on the action of the main character for the humor. To pronounce the name of this title simply put your finger in your mouth pressing on the inside of a cheek at a sideways angle bringing it out fast to make a popping sound )…. My but that’s a lot of strips I tells ya. That’s eight humor titles with over a hundred , maybe a hundred fifty characters total.
There are a few friends that appear in the strips as “extras”. They get speaking lines and such but the number is less than ten. Some of the Characters in the QAR strip are INSPIRED by me and my brother and some family members but are not actually us. They just have a lot of our quirks.
**** 3. Do you find it difficult to come up with inspiration and ideas on a regular basis?
Actually I find it hard to shut it off. Not that I actually try to shut it off at any time. After the first two strips I kept having ideas for a third. I figured I would go ahead and draw some of the cavemen strips just to get them out of my head. The next thing I know I have a third strip. Now it’s up to eight humor strips. I usually pre write strips in advance in a note book and draw them later. I see the humor side of just normal events that happen thru the day.
**** 4. Do you find it more or less difficult to exist as an artist now that our media has shifted toward online distribution and away from traditional print?
I love the way it is now. Even here in Mississippi I sell as many books on cd as pdf’s as I do in print. The internet is great for distribution. I’ve made my paper a Digital Periodical that’s free to anyone who wants it. I no longer have to pay a printer and where I was limited to 4000 copies a month I can now send an infinite amount thru email. I use the WordPress blogs for my archives and people are always finding me on that. Add the Facebook, twitter, and YouTube as promotion tools and anyone can self publish their work.
**** 5. In addition to your humorous comic strips you’ve written a series of short horror stories called MISFITS AND MAYHEM. What inspired you to create horror graphic novels?
I loves me some horror I do. I’ve always have just wanted to write and draw some horror stories. I used to read horror comics as a kid and still do from time to time now. Although the more you write and draw the less time you have to read. I use a totally different style of art and writing for my horror , and the horror stories have a horror host by the name of CREEPY CLYDE that runs a night carnival. This is the only project that I’ve used someone else to help on. A friend of mine writes half of the stories in the books and I write the other half. Then I draw, letter and ink the whole book. I do throw in some dark humor into my stories also.
**** 6. You mention a series of SciFi graphic novels in the works. What prompted you to go in the direction of SciFi? Also, our readers need to know the answer to this question…are you a Trekkie or a Jedi?
First off….I’m a Whovian ( Doctor Who ). But I usually watch it all. I’m more fond of the original three Star Wars films and did meet Dave Prowse ( actor in the Darth Vader costume ) at a con in 1993. But I’ve seen all of the Trek series, read a bunch of the novels and comic books. If I had to chose one over the other it would be Trek over Star Wars , but Doctor Who before anything else.
The SciFi graphic novels are being drawn three pages a week now. They appear in the BubbaWorld Comix Digital Periodical every week on all three days at the bottom of the pages. It’s an ongoing Time Travel Adventure That I draw in a similar style to the horror comics I do. I call it ” DOX “. It’s awesomeness I tells ya. I wrote it as a novel a few years back during the month of November. Yes… i wrote a 75,000 word novel in 28 days. I never did anything with the manuscript because I really wanted it to be a series of graphic novels.
I’m drawing the pages horizontal like a comic strip from the funny pages instead of the traditional way ( vertical ) so it will do better on a computer screen with less scrolling. The print form of the books as they come out will be in a landscape style and shape because of this. I still use humor in my writing but this is a more serious subject. It has mystery and deaths and violence in it. In other words pure Awesomness!
**** 7. What does the future hold for BubbaWorld Comix?
Flying cars I hope … I want me my own personal flying car. Oh and more subscribers. The more people I have reading my comics the better. I had one person years ago ask me if I was the next Charles Schultz? I told them, “No, I’m the first Andy Childress.” I did love Peanuts and it had a lot to do with me wanting to become a cartoonist. Right now though I just need anyone who enjoys my comics to spread the word to their friends about it. My official website is BUBBAWORLDCOMIX.NET and you can get the Digital Periodical just by emailing me at bubbaworldcomix@gmail.com with “SUBSCRIBE” in the subject of the email.
I’ve also got other ideas for more graphic novels later on and I will be doing a third volume of MISFITS & MAYHEM.
See ya in the funny Web Pages.
For more space madness follow Bubbaworldcomix
For your own feature SPaM post contact me at heellisgoa@gmail.com
Next week’s SPaM features the enigmatic Rantonit!
Damnit!
MY WISHFUL THINKING DID NOT WORK. IT LOOKS LIKE NEW ENGLAND IS GOING TO ANNIHILATE THE GIANTS INSTEAD.
DAMNIT.
My Secret Admirer – Eight
It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did not have a winner so we’ll jump right to the love letter. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
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Dear the so called H.E.Ellis,
What the hell is your name really? I like the name that you have chosen, did you know it means ‘Noble one’ do you see yourself as that person? Or more like someone with a name that means ‘Sorrows’. I guess if I was ever to name someone with a talent like yours, you’re a decent writer; I might call her Gemma or Opal.
I am not going to bore you with all the shit about how I wanna re-decorate your lady cave or increase your stamina, which I could do by the way, I am instead going to say that one day I will stand outside your window and sing to you. I like fairy-tales and hope you do too.
I am not going to attach photos of my rather excellent equipment.
I guess most of this ‘Love Letter’ or as I want to call it ‘Creepy Email’ has been about what I do not wanna do, what I want to do is know you more, I mean, I guess we are the same in the fact that you only state who you are not. You’re not Jodi Picoult, you’re not a soccer mom and you’re not an Eric Clapton fan…
Who are you?
In any case you will be receiving a complementary DNA test kit so that I can find out once and for all who you are. Once you prove who you are I will be willing to fuck you.
************
To whom it my concern,
I am returning your DNA kit as I am going to come straight out and tell you who I am. Honestly, I thought you would have guessed by now. I’ve mentioned in my blog that I am Italian and that most people think I’m a man. I’m heavy into music although I can’t sing, and own a 1968 Impala despite the fact that the 1967 model was more popular. Still can’t guess? Fine. I will tell you.
I am Frank Stallone.
NOW will you fuck me?
CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:
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An Open Letter
One of the things I love most about blogging is the ability to connect with like minded individuals as well as those who see things from a completely different perspective. I have had the good fortune to meet a blogger who possesses the mind of an intellect, the hand of an artist and the heart of a poet; all in the form of a triple threat named Greg from SUPERVERSITY.
SUPERVERSITY reads like a love letter to graphic novel/comic art and often features artwork from a wide range of talented fellow artists. But make no mistake, this “man behind the blog” is more than just a creative mind at work; Greg’s intellect and grasp of the current state of our nation’s politics rivals any hand shaker or baby kisser I had the misfortune of missing as I backed out of my New Hampshire driveway.
Featured below is a sample of this great man’s mind and heart at work. While I invite you to take a look at his blog, I will ask that first you read the disclaimer included in his “About Me” page after the article below. Prepare to be enlightened.
AN OPEN LETTER TO H.E. ELLIS
Dear H. E.,
It’s great knowing someone has my back. Thank you so much for your very supportive comment.
I can remember how touched I was the first time I got some minor attention for something I wrote on my blog or when someone took the time to tell me my photomanipulations were “awesome” when I thought they weren’t all that good. It is very validating having a stranger recognize your efforts and say they approve.
It must be thrilling having a fan write fiction in response to your own work. What an incredible honor. I always wonder how authors like J. K. Rowling could work against such honors. Can’t they see that when a person expresses such passion for their work it bodes well for them? Who is more likely to invest in more of that author’s work than a dedicated, passionate fan? Aren’t you just alienating your fan base and fucking your own brand? Fortunately, from what I’ve heard of Rowling she was made to see the light and came to her senses. Fans are a gift. Don’t look your gift-fans in the mouth!
My dedicated readers are my fans. There are only a few of you out there but I cherish each one, known or not. Each is a vote of approval that says I should go on doing what I can. I never expected to go viral and am I glad not to. I’m a relatively private person and don’t want any undue attention. But positive comments I love.
The amount of response Anti-SOPA/PIPA forces generated this week is awe inspiring, but the fight continues because these kind of bills tend to morph or get tagged onto other legislation.
This may come to a real head this year. I can well see major boycotts in the future. The entertainment industry including cable, music, and television will be shocked to their foundations when their supposedly mindless and contented-to-shell-out-big-bucks customers decide to take a week off from being abused.
When the entire country was suffering from the recession did any of these huge entertainment material providers suffer, too? Didn’t we notice how their prices went up and movie tickets, DVDs/CDs, etc., remained just as costly as they had always been? Unless we are willing to band together and hit them in their capacious pocketbooks they will continue to screw us for their own gain. It’s time we made them recognize that they serve us, not we serve them.
Our support of their product is a service to them even when it appears to be copyright infringement. When they go after the little guy they alienate all the little guys who helped make them big. Don’t be surprised when someday someone comments about how far the mighty have fallen. Since our support made you, Mr. Corporate Kingpin, our lack of support can break you, too.
When it is all said and done, what the entertainment empire pushes isn’t essential to our survival or even our real happiness. In a contest between supplying our real needs and being soaked for another piece of 3D garbage, guess who’s always gonna lose. We just have to show folks their real power and make them aware that standing in line for 48 hours to get the latest “cool” toy from the big, conscious-free pimp is a pathetic waste of time. Watching people riot to get a pair of pimped-out sneakers first is what we have to work against. The measure of a human being isn’t whether they have the latest junk on their feet or back or in their ears. People need to wake up and shake the damned monkey off their back. Is this what the young go overseas and sacrifice life and limb to protect?
Corporations are not people, but a select few owner-people who work to keep themselves on top of their pyramid schemes. The little worker drones who receive a pittance (at my current level of disability income I could live for 23,000 years off of Mitt Romney’s fortune) are the foundation these elites tower over.
In Fritz Lang’s great science fiction film, “Metropolis” from 1926 this dynamic is brilliantly played out. The elites work with technology to suppress the worker class and ultimately the workers threatened with death rise up against their suppressors. Ironically, the 86-year old film reflects our current struggles as if it were brand new. But it isn’t hard to be prescient when the same dynamic has played out across the entire history of mankind. As long as we allow a few “haves” there have to be teeming masses of “have-nots”. As long as we allow a few to feel totally entitled there have to be masses who are suffering in abject poverty and going without what they need. One right winger pointed out that if people have TV sets and refrigerators what more could they possibly need? If the content of what they’re fed by the broadcast media and the content of the packaged junk they fill their refrigerators with is designed to make the manufacturers and broadcasters alone rich, I would say they need a hell of a lot more. We all need more than the junk being pandered to us.
This is why destroying legislation like the Stop Online Piracy Act is essential to our needs as people. We absolutely need free speech. We absolutely need to communicate freely and support each other in all our creative, artistic, and, yes, business needs. We need to be valued as individuals, not cogs in the greed machine that profits the few at the cost of the many. We all need to recognize our individual power rather than be subjected to the dictates of fat cats in a system so corrupt it can’t function.
And all of this can happen when we support each other rather than fight for the “goods”. If you’ve never experienced real quality, garbage will always look good to you. Why is it the poorest people in Africa are happier than most of the richest in America? Why are our suicide rates alarming compared to theirs? Here is the simple answer to those questions: Africans are so disenfranchised they are ignored. Americans are so brainwashed they have become tools of a machine that offers happiness as a goal and strips of them all reason to live. Americans are addicted to the drug of a constantly promoted free enterprise that is anything but free.
This is what we must work to over come and the freedom of speech allowed to write this open letter is what we have to protect. Stripped of our basic rights and needs we are no more than lambs being led to slaughter.
Thank you for reading this blog, for finding some inspiration and education and for enjoying it, too. It is a real compliment.
Sincerely,
Greg German
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ABOUT SUPERVERSITY:
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The Hellis 100 (11-20)
For my next installment of The Hellis 100 series I’ve decided to tackle a topic that is of tremendous importance to me. A topic so vital to the hearts and minds of Americans everywhere it deserves its own blog post. And that post is:
THE TOP TEN GREATEST MUSTACHES OF ALL TIME
10. DAVID CROSBY – His mustache tips his perception scale from lardass to badass.
9. SHAFT – The mutton chops help, but that doesn’t make him any less of a–shut your mouth!
8. SALVIDOR DALI – Uh, I have no reason to include this other than the man had balls to pull this look off. And lots of melty clocks.
7. PRESIDENT THEODORE ROOSEVELT – Teddy did for mustaches what Lincoln did for beards.
6. FREDDIE MERCURY – He gave whole new meaning to the term Mustache = Masculinity.
5. PAUL TEUTUL – His mustache alone could kick a grown man’s ass.
4. GROUCHO MARX – It was between him and Hitler so….yeah.
3. BURT REYNOLDS – Can you even picture the Bandit without a mustache? I sure can’t.
2. MAGNUM P.I. – Who knew one mustache could completely reverse what Freddie Mercury set in motion?
1. And the number one greatest mustache of all time belongs to…SAM ELLIOTT. If God has a mustache, it will look like this:
Love Letters Gone Wrong – Eight
It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG written and submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who “Liked” my Top Ten Reasons” post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.
Dear the so called H.E.Ellis,
What the hell is your name really? I like the name that you have chosen, did you know it means ‘Noble one’ do you see yourself as that person? Or more like someone with a name that means ‘Sorrows’. I guess if I was ever to name someone with a talent like yours, you’re a decent writer; I might call her Gemma or Opal.
I am not going to bore you with all the shit about how I wanna re-decorate your lady cave or increase your stamina, which I could do by the way, I am instead going to say that one day I will stand outside your window and sing to you. I like fairy-tales and hope you do too.
I am not going to attach photos of my rather excellent equipment.
I guess most of this ‘Love Letter’ or as I want to call it ‘Creepy Email’ has been about what I do not wanna do, what I want to do is know you more, I mean, I guess we are the same in the fact that you only state who you are not. You’re not Jodi Picoult, you’re not a soccer mom and you’re not an Eric Clapton fan…
Who are you?
In any case you will be receiving a complementary DNA test kit so that I can find out once and for all who you are. Once you prove who you are I will be willing to fuck you.
The Hellis 100 (1-10)
Ladies and Gentlemen it is official; I have finally hit my one hundredth blog post. To mark this historic occasion I have decided to blog about 100 of my favorite things in ten separate blog posts; all in wacky Hellis fashion of course. To kick things off I’ve dedicated my first blog post to….
TOP TEN FAVORITE CLASSIC SITCOM CHARACTERS
I suffered for years as a kid from insomnia and spent many a sleepless night watching reruns of classic sitcom television. Over time I developed a fondness for certain characters, so here is a list of my top ten favorites:
10. Florence Jean Castleberry – Friends like me call her Flo. The rest of you can kiss her grits.
9. Schneider – Never met a toilet he couldn’t unclog or a MILF he wouldn’t dry hump.
8. Maynard G Krebs - Think perpetually horny, arguably stoned Gilligan.
7. Jan Brady – The poor man’s Marsha.
6. Rosco P. Coltrane – His laugh is the very definition of Awesomesauce.
5. Arnold Jackson – Go on and tell me you didn’t see the episode with the bicycle man.
4. Isaac – The Love Boat’s very own Lando Calrissian (because he was smooth, not because he was black).
3. Horshack – Living proof that you can be both a dork and a nerd.
2. Mrs. Roper – Television’s first Desperate Housewife.
1. And last but not least I give you The Ghetto Cassanova himself… J.J. Evans.
SPaM Free Monday
The combination of a late week Nor’easter, birthday festivities and a minor brush with carbon monoxide poisoning has left me little time to complete…well, much of anything this week. So I have decided to lay low today and leave you with the number one songs the day I was born in the US, the UK and Australia. Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday yesterday!
NUMBER ONE SONG IN THE U.S.
NUMBER ONE SONG IN THE U.K.
NUMBER ONE SONG IN AUSTRALIA
My Secret Admirer – Seven
It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Find out who that winner is by clicking on the trophy to your right.
Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
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To whom it may concern,
Listen, enough is enough. You’ve played your little game and I think this has gone on far too long, okay? If you are trying to scare me, it’s totally working. So please, please stop sending me love letters written in blood(complete with the tampon you used to write it), stop calling my home(how the fuck did you even get my phone number) and for the love of god, TELL ME WHAT YOU DID TO MY DOG! The guy who took him told me to stop ignoring you before he knocked me out and that I better jump through the hoops to get the dog back which is exactly what I’ve done!
I think I’ve been a sport, don’t you? I did everything you asked, no questions, but you still won’t do one fucking thing for me, why? Why won’t you give my dog back to me?
Question, was that you in the window of my kitchen? I know it was because there is not one other person that lives around me that would be licking my window at 2 a.m. in the nude. It had to be you. But don’t you live like, 80 states away from me? It’s what you said on your blog, that you live on the east coast, so what the fuck? I’m going to the cops, I’ve had enough.
I thought you were just a like minded blogger when I first commented on that post you wrote, nothing else. It was not meant to be or true love, like you said in each of the nearly 300 emails you wrote. And I wasn’t ignoring you last month, nor was I cheating on you. First off, I don’t even know you and second, we are not a fucking couple. Last month, like I told you before, my grandmother was dying and I needed to be close to her. It was a hard time for me and my family and I shut everyone off, so I really don’t appreciate the flowers you sent to her hospital room with the card reading “Fuck off slut, he’s my man.” My mom said it was the last thing she read before passing ten minutes later. I hate you for that.
One last thing, I don’t like pictures of your vagina reenacting scenes from the film Gone with the wind, though I will say, that one picture where Scarlett is walking the plantation was a very creative use of space. Also, the penis you have playing Rhett is all wrong, Rhett wasn’t black.
Don’t contact me again.
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Dear Pookie-face,
I think it’s adorable how you deny your feelings for me. You and I were destined to be together. That’s what I told your grandmother when she wouldn’t let me into your house. She was a tough old bird, I’ll give her that. The anonymous cookies I sent filled with enough rat poison to take her down cost me nearly twenty dollars. But these are the sacrifices I’m willing to make for our love.
And can you blame me for licking the window glass? After all, you were wearing your feety pajamas as you stood drinking straight from the carton in front of your fridge, I mean come on?? What did you expect me to do? Knock on the door and ask to come in? How crazy is THAT??
I know there must be a reason why you won’t return my phone calls, emails, text messages, tweets, blog posts, Facebook, MySpace, snail mail, carrier pigeon, brick through your window, etc. I am convinced that SOMEONE is holding you back from expressing the love I know exists only for me. When I find out who that SOMEONE is…let’s just say you might want to make space next to Grandma.
My friends say I’m taking this too far. They say that if you were interested in me you’d have let me know by now. Because of this I am compelled to say…
LOVE ME!!!
Sigh…I feel much better.
As far as tampons go, there are plenty more where that from. Your dog gave the ultimate sacrifice for our love. In fact, there’s three jars worth of your Fluffy’s sacrifice in your fridge. Go on and look.
I’ll wait.
CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:
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You’re Going On A Scavenger Hunt With HE and EH!
This little ambitious project is brought to you by the people who brought you other things to read and do:
H.E. “Isn’t that chick a dude?” Ellis and Edward “Mind Fuck Hero” Hotspur! In this endeavor, there are some rules. They are as follows:
1) Read questions from this post and its corresponding post on Edward Hotspur’s blog.
2) Go nuts like a drunk monkey looking for the answers to the questions. There are 10 questions about Hellis, 10 about Hotspur, and 30 about 30 other people. Each one is about a little fact that might be easy to find, and might be difficult. They could be from a recent post, an ancient post, or you might just know it because your brain is like a walking Wikipedia.
3) You can make any comments you like on either blog, but you should probably e-mail us the answers. Unless you don’t care if you tip everyone off, in which case let’s play poker!
4) The first 5 people who get all the questions right will win:
**Free copies of Hotspur’s and Hellis‘ latest books!
**Blog posts about them, like an award or a SPaM or something very public, on one of our blogs!
**A Million Dollars! (Note – winner won’t actually receive a million dollars.)
Now, on with the questions! Search the blogs well! Dig deep and don’t leave any stone unturned! The answers are NOT “within” in this case, people.
First, here are the ones about the Other People:
Dragonfae - What two foods doesn’t Dragonfae like to eat?
Bestbathroombooks - Les’s book is published under what publishing company?
Verynormal - What’s Megan’s boyfriend’s name?
Calhoun - What is the #253 reason why Calhoun is still single?
Sightsnbytes’s Blog – What Canadian island is the base of operations for Sightsnbytes’s Blog?
The Fog of Ward - When Dayton isn’t writing, what does he do for a living?
Grafiklit - What is the name of Kat’s photography blog?
The Libra Chronicles - What is one definition of a sidecar?
HR Nightmare - What does HR like to drink for Christmas?
Is it Possible To See It All - Where is the first European City you should visit on Joe’s bucket list?
Rantonit – What is desitip #28?
Talker96 – How many times has Talker won the Sexiest Man Alive award?
Whorrible – What D.H. Lawrence novel inspired Jonathan’s works?
OhmygawdjustdowhatIsay – What piece of Star Wars memorabilia is hanging from Ginger’s Christmas tree?
The Wandering Atavist – The Atavist moved from Northern Maine to where?
NOW HERE ARE THE ONES ABOUT THE INFAMOUS EH:
What is the title of his first book?
What is Granite Countertop’s favorite candy bar?
What kind of salad does he like?
In what city is the Garden Station?
What is a HCG?
On the Starship Innerthighs, what creature is Spork?
What is Starship Innerthighs continuing mission?
What is his first crack song?
In the choose your own blog adventure, what kind of orchard can you pick to visit?
What writer penned his ASSBOOK blog post?
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Check EDWARD HOTSPUR’S blog for the other 25 questions. And most of all, Have Fun! Get to know one another.
This game will end on 31 January 2012, and the winners will be posted 05 February 2012. This is subject to change, of course, because I don’t have a script. Normal rules apply, and [insert legalese].
Love Letters Gone Wrong – Seven
It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG written and submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who was featured in a SPaM post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.
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To whom it may concern,
Listen, enough is enough. You’ve played your little game and I think this has gone on far too long, okay? If you are trying to scare me, it’s totally working. So please, please stop sending me love letters written in blood(complete with the tampon you used to write it), stop calling my home(how the fuck did you even get my phone number) and for the love of god, TELL ME WHAT YOU DID TO MY DOG! The guy who took him told me to stop ignoring you before he knocked me out and that I better jump through the hoops to get the dog back which is exactly what I’ve done!
I think I’ve been a sport, don’t you? I did everything you asked, no questions, but you still won’t do one fucking thing for me, why? Why won’t you give my dog back to me?
Question, was that you in the window of my kitchen? I know it was because there is not one other person that lives around me that would be licking my window at 2 a.m. in the nude. It had to be you. But don’t you live like, 80 states away from me? It’s what you said on your blog, that you live on the east coast, so what the fuck? I’m going to the cops, I’ve had enough.
I thought you were just a like minded blogger when I first commented on that post you wrote, nothing else. It was not meant to be or true love, like you said in each of the nearly 300 emails you wrote. And I wasn’t ignoring you last month, nor was I cheating on you. First off, I don’t even know you and second, we are not a fucking couple. Last month, like I told you before, my grandmother was dying and I needed to be close to her. It was a hard time for me and my family and I shut everyone off, so I really don’t appreciate the flowers you sent to her hospital room with the card reading “Fuck off slut, he’s my man.” My mom said it was the last thing she read before passing ten minutes later. I hate you for that.
One last thing, I don’t like pictures of your vagina reenacting scenes from the film Gone with the wind, though I will say, that one picture where Scarlett is walking the plantation was a very creative use of space. Also, the penis you have playing Rhett is all wrong, Rhett wasn’t black.
Don’t contact me again.
Things You Can’t Unsee – Three
I will never forget the day that I walked into the house to the sound of teenage boys roaring with laughter. Barely able to breathe, Junior explained that he’d found a video of a kid throwing a tantrum because his mother cancelled his World of Warcraft membership. The following ensued…
Ex-SPaM
Well people, it was inevitable. The time has come to do a SPaM post on the infamous HR NIGHTMARE. What makes him infamous, you ask? Namely, that he is the former Mr. H.E. Ellis. *Hey!! My last name isn’t Ellis! And if we’re talking names here, wouldn’t you be the former Nightmare? No pun intended.*
I’ll spare you all the eye pain of attempting to read the near vowel-less spelling of his Transylvanian last name and just refer to him as HR for the remainder of this post.
HE: So tell me, HR. What does the HR stand for?
HR stands for Human Resources. Every company has a human resources department, and every company has a guy who argues with them about….EVERYTHING. Yeah, I’m that guy. Example? In sports, smacking someone’s ass and saying, “Good game” is acceptable. However…
HE: Yeah, yeah. Moving on. You, unlike me, are a native New Hampshire-ite. What does being a New Englander mean to you?
It means I have an excuse to drive poorly, own many weapons, pay little taxes and swear without aid of the letter “R.” Oh, and hate the Yankees. I’m a Pissa.
HE: Can you elaborate on what a “Pissa” is?
The definition of a Pissa is something that is way cool, maybe too cool. Also recognized in Boston and Rhode Island for “amazing.” But here in New Hampsha, it means to take the “Piss” out of something, like when someone is telling a story and you shit all over it before he’s even done. Basically, a ballbuster.
HE: Your blog entitled, WORDS YOU CAN’T UNSAY reads like a guide to practical joking in the workplace. How did you come up with that idea?
I figured that as long as I was being written up, I might as well be written about. What I call a morale booster, my boss calls workplace shenanigans. Maybe I ought to send him a link to my blog. On second thought, NO.
HE: Your shenanigans do not stop at the workplace, quite often you bring them home. What’s it like being only eighteen years older than your oldest son, and how does that impact your ability to lay the “smack down” as you like to say?
I’ve found that a high perch and a sniper style airsoft rifle is a great equalizer. Besides, most people think he’s the dad, so in public this makes for lots of fun.
HE: In addition to your love for and massive collection of weaponry, what do you have a passion for? (I’m talking about all the motorcycles in the backyard, HR).
I’d like to see HR and HE on a HD. And having seven motorcycles and four mopeds is not a lot, Little Miss antique car collec–
HE: Ok, ok. Let’s move on to your name. How hard was it growing up in the United States with what is traditionally a girl’s name?
I don’t want to talk about that because I got my ass KICKED as a kid. It’s why I use my middle name, Mikhail. I did learn, however, that it is useful to hold onto that grudge anger until years later when you run into them again. Talk about never saw it coming.
HE: Alright, how about your last name, and the fact that you are the twenty-fourth in a long line of (gives permission to use name) Vlakfelds.
Now that worked out much better, especially on the little goth girls with daddy issues who all LOVED that I was a descendent of Vlad Tspes. All through high school I had a black lipstick ring around my–
HE: I know, I know. You know I adapted parts of your life for a character in my novel. How does it feel to be immortalized in print?
You mean besides my very permanent public record? Well that all depends, who am I again?
HE: I’m not going to tell you. You’ll just have to buy the book and read it.
Well I guess I’ll never know. Wait…I’m not JEB, am I?
HE: Well I guess you’ll never know.
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For more blogging shenanigans follow HR NIGHTMARE
Return next week for a feature SPaM post with Bubbamix Comics
For your own SPaM email me at heellisgoa@gmail.com
Happy Birthday!
I want to wish my very good friend an early happy birthday for tomorrow. You know who you are.
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GAZETTE – BEST FRIENDS
As a child, I dreamt of the future
Even now it doesn’t fade, but is vivid as I look forward
So that I’d grow, I’d hold the tears in as I watched the scenery I grew up with crush under time.
I began to run towards that one big dream
Because my good friends were with me, I did my best
Live well, young man
You’re not alone, so muster your courage
Lunge forward, for right beyond this
You’ll be laughing and shining with your friends
The steep path that you’ll be walking will be lit, but full of thorns
Good or bad, from start to finish, you’re gonna do it anyway, so make your dream come true
For those who watch over you, for the ones you love and for yourself
Get your senses to a super high level, and walk your own path today
I began to run towards that one big dream
Because my good friends were with me, I did my best
Even if there’s a high wall in our way, we’re not stopping
We’ll break it down and go on towards our dream
Live well, young man
You’re not alone, so muster your courage
Lunge forward, for right beyond this
You’ll be laughing and shining with your friends
My Secret Admirer – Six
It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Find out who that winner is by clicking on the trophy to your right.
Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
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My dearest darling,
Like every night since I first devoured your blog I could not sleep again last night. I laid in bed and constant thoughts of you flooded my head. Even my complete set of glow in the dark Star Trek action figures which are perfectly arranged on my homemade replica of the Enterprise’s bridge could not distract me. (NC-1701 because you should know I am a purist.) The more I get to know about you without ever meeting you the more certain I am that your phaser will stun me into blissful submission. (I hope that did not sound gay. I like Sulu and everything, but not in that way.)
As I squirmed under my Federation comforter I thought about your curly or wavy or straight or long or short hair, your left index finger with its nail painted black, your two alluring shins. But don’t think I love you simply because I imagine you are beautiful. My feelings go much deeper. I love the way you use a computer to type big words and long sentences. I love that when you show photographs of your car they can be tractor beamed to pinpoint your exact location. I love that you have birthed children and are fertile like an Iowa cornfield. (As you know that is James T. Kirk’s home state.) Although we have never met “in the flesh” I can easily lie in bed and imagine what that fleshy meeting will be like even as I stare at my full wall photo collage of Uhura.
I know you must get love letters all the time, my little tribble. I know you have your choice of male specimens who promise you the world. I know I am facing stiff competition. Do not let that trouble you. I am sure once you tell me who these other men are you will never hear from them again. That I promise!
Now that you finally know the intensity of my devotion I’m sure as you think about me laying in bed tonight you will also have trouble sleeping. I am sorry for that, but love is never easy especially when it hits at warp speed.
Forever yours,
Lenny
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Dear Lenny,
Sadly, I cannot meet with you as my father prohibits my dating outside our religion. As you well know my family belongs to The Church of Jedi Knights, and I have been betrothed to another. However, should the Empire defeat the Rebellion I may become available to meet for drinks. How familiar are you with the Mos Eisley Cantina?
May the Force be with you,
H.E.
CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:
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