(insert pithy rejoinder here)

Ex-SPaM

Well people, it was inevitable. The time has come to do a SPaM post on the infamous HR NIGHTMARE. What makes him infamous, you ask? Namely, that he is the former Mr. H.E. Ellis. *Hey!! My last name isn’t Ellis! And if we’re talking names here, wouldn’t you be the former Nightmare? No pun intended.*

I’ll spare you all the eye pain of attempting to read the near vowel-less spelling of his Transylvanian last name and just refer to him as HR for the remainder of this post.

     HE: So tell me, HR. What does the HR stand for?

HR stands for Human Resources. Every company has a human resources department, and every company has a guy who argues with them about….EVERYTHING. Yeah, I’m that guy. Example? In sports, smacking someone’s ass and saying, “Good game” is acceptable. However…

     HE: Yeah, yeah. Moving on. You, unlike me, are a native New Hampshire-ite. What does being a New Englander mean to you?

It means I have an excuse to drive poorly, own many weapons, pay little taxes and swear without aid of the letter “R.” Oh, and hate the Yankees. I’m a Pissa.

     HE: Can you elaborate on what a “Pissa” is?

The definition of a Pissa is something that is way cool, maybe too cool. Also recognized in Boston and Rhode Island for “amazing.” But here in New Hampsha, it means to take the “Piss” out of something, like when someone is telling a story and you shit all over it before he’s even done. Basically, a ballbuster.

     HE: Your blog entitled, WORDS YOU CAN’T UNSAY reads like a guide to practical joking in the workplace. How did you come up with that idea? 

I figured that as long as I was being written up, I might as well be written about. What I call a morale booster, my boss calls workplace shenanigans. Maybe I ought to send him a link to my blog. On second thought, NO.

     HE: Your shenanigans do not stop at the workplace, quite often you bring them home. What’s it like being only eighteen years older than your oldest son, and how does that impact your ability to lay the “smack down” as you like to say?

I’ve found that a high perch and a sniper style airsoft rifle is a great equalizer. Besides, most people think he’s the dad, so in public this makes for lots of fun.

     HE: In addition to your love for and massive collection of weaponry, what do you have a passion for? (I’m talking about all the motorcycles in the backyard, HR).

I’d like to see HR and HE on a HD. And having seven motorcycles and four mopeds is not a lot, Little Miss antique car collec–

     HE: Ok, ok. Let’s move on to your name. How hard was it growing up in the United States with what is traditionally a girl’s name?

I don’t want to talk about that because I got my ass KICKED as a kid. It’s why I use my middle name, Mikhail. I did learn, however, that it is useful to hold onto that grudge anger until years later when you run into them again. Talk about never saw it coming.

     HE: Alright, how about your last name, and the fact that you are the twenty-fourth in a long line of (gives permission to use name) Vlakfelds.

Now that worked out much better, especially on the little goth girls with daddy issues who all LOVED that I was a descendent of Vlad Tspes. All through high school I had a black lipstick ring around my–

     HE: I know, I know. You know I adapted parts of your life for a character in my novel. How does it feel to be immortalized in print?

You mean besides my very permanent public record? Well that all depends, who am I again?

    HE: I’m not going to tell you. You’ll just have to buy the book and read it.

Well I guess I’ll never know. Wait…I’m not JEB, am I?

     HE: Well I guess you’ll never know.

************************************************

For more blogging shenanigans follow HR NIGHTMARE

Return next week for a feature SPaM post with Bubbamix Comics

For your own SPaM email me at heellisgoa@gmail.com

47 responses

  1. Apparently his femanine name didn’t cause any problems with the goth girls…. ;)

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 6:57 am

  2. OH.MY.GOD. You are going to think I”m the biggest MORON EVER!!! I thought HR was a GIRL!! My apologies HR, but I think it’s fucking funny!!!!! Hahahahahaha…oh, geesh. Nice post, H.E….I obviously missed that HR was your ex….Hahahahahaha…oh, man. Sorry…

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 7:06 am

    • Don’t feel bad, Kayjai. Everyone thinks he’s a girl.

      Like

      January 9, 2012 at 9:03 am

      • Its only because I’m in touch with my feminine side.

        Like

        January 9, 2012 at 9:28 am

        • Sorry, who’s feminine side are you touching?

          Like

          January 9, 2012 at 10:39 am

  3. Terrific post! I recently started following HR’s blog and so far have enjoyed the ride. As always, H.E., thanks for for so generously spotlighting yet another good blogger!

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 7:54 am

    • Yeah, he’s a pissa. And you’re welcome!

      Like

      January 9, 2012 at 9:04 am

  4. I got it – the character based on him is Bekka, right?
    What, it’s a girls name.

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 8:23 am

    • Oh he’s gonna love that!

      Like

      January 9, 2012 at 9:04 am

      • No, it was the woman at the gas station.
        And knowing that now HE, you’re an Ass.

        Like

        January 9, 2012 at 9:30 am

        • No, I’m a wicked smaht Pissa you half a Southie.

          Like

          January 9, 2012 at 9:59 am

  5. Ahahahah XD shit this is tooo damn funneh! (^.^) . You guys should have a show.

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 11:32 am

    • You aren’t the first person to say that. :)

      Like

      January 9, 2012 at 12:18 pm

      • Hahaha Hellis and the Nightmare.
        Or
        Hellis’ nightmare .
        Or
        nightmare on Hellis blog.
        Ok I’ll stop now.

        Like

        January 9, 2012 at 12:51 pm

        • Nightmare before Hellis….Halloween. Yeah, I got nothing.

          Like

          January 9, 2012 at 12:54 pm

          • Wow, thats the first time you let me go first. Thank you.

            Like

            January 9, 2012 at 5:11 pm

  6. Oh gosh, so many things I could write! mwhaha… OK, In a town near me all Goths come together because it is association with the horror novel Dracula, they all dress in black, maybe HR should live there ;) Pissa means a something totally different here, I shall give you an example sentence “Are you pulling my pissa?” and last but not least HR, do not touch charming OK?

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 12:08 pm

  7. Sniping is not touching, and can you send me a “flats listings” in that area. Maybe I can get the Goths to pull a pissa, if I’m using it right.

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    • Ahaha I am so gonna use that “Anyone wanna pull my pissa tonight,” not that I have a pissa or are a pissa … moving on… Do not snipe either!!

      Like

      January 9, 2012 at 12:49 pm

  8. Wasn’t there some guy named “Sue” in a song once?
    My brother used to room with this giant of a guy named Gus. One day a letter came in for someone named Allison, with Gus’ last name. Everyone figured it was his sister, but they were amused to find out that Gus’ real name was Allison.
    Parents can be so cruel.

    I must admit, I, much like Kayjai, thought HR was a gal as well. Even after reading HR’s blogs, I was convinced that HR was a She. Now I find out that HE and HR were once one, and HE is a gal and HR is a guy. Now I am just confused…

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    • 1) Gus is a GREAT name.
      2) You have no idea how often people have said that I was the husband and he was the wife in our marriage. Mostly our kids, but mind blowing just the same. I think it’s great that we can laugh about it now, right HR?

      Like

      January 9, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    • Johnny Cash – A Boy Named Sue.
      Great tune!

      Like

      January 9, 2012 at 12:53 pm

  9. Ok, HR was the man of the house when HE said it was ok. HE was in charge of the household and HR was in charge of the kids. They both work together for the kids to be great adults.

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    • That sounds nice, but which one of us went to work turning wrench with their fingernails painted in glittery purple nail polish because someone’s daughter wanted to paint them??

      Like

      January 9, 2012 at 1:03 pm

  10. It was pink metallic, not purple. And it was me.
    oh and I bake too. Again, back to the feminine side.

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 1:07 pm

  11. HR, don’t you know the rules of a marriage? The man is the head of the household, but the woman’s hold on the man’s balls sways his decisions.

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 1:08 pm

  12. And we’re back to pullin my pissa. I am in no way disputing she let me think I was in charge, it just comes down to hindsight and all.

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 1:22 pm

  13. nothing feminine about baking, there are many male bakers. Not too sure if those bakers wear nail polish, but to each their own. We all have to be who we are, but sometimes who we are doesn’t always work with who we are with. As far as blogging goes, I enjoy both your blogs.

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 2:25 pm

  14. You’re right. Marriages come and go, but great friends last a lifetime. Right HE?

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    • Uh…what? Huh? Did you say something? Sorry, I was watching Fast Five.

      Like

      January 9, 2012 at 6:49 pm

  15. I saw those 2. It was more like gone in 60 seconds (no stamina).

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 6:53 pm

  16. Wow, “there’s no friends like old lovers” sure rings true here! Your ex writes pretty well for a guy who claims to have only read one book before he read yours.

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    • Yeah, he’s picked up a thing or two over the years. He’s also much brighter than he lets on.

      Like

      January 9, 2012 at 11:19 pm

  17. I’m sorry, I just got an e-mail from a friend of mine from work. I thought it would fit in this post.

    Waiter: “If you know the food here is so lousy, why do you keep coming back?”

    Customer: “It reminds me of my ex-wife’s cooking.”

    Thank you and good night.

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 8:35 pm

  18. You are a lucky woman to have such a witty HR. Mr. Moody rarely ,if ever, looks up from his World of Warcraft.

    Like

    January 9, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    • He’s alright. Until you try to talk to him while an episode of Stargate is on. :)

      Like

      January 9, 2012 at 11:16 pm

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