Glitter E. Yanus Award!
***** BREAKING NEWS – H.E. ELLIS HAS RECEIVED THE GLITTER E. YANUS AWARD *****
Yes, ladies and gentleman; I have received the Glitter E. Yanus Award. What, do you ask, is the Glitter E. Yanus Award exactly? Why it’s only the most prestigious award given to bloggers with rockin’ ghetto ass or opposable genitalia (I only have one of these. You guess which) and I happen to be one of its honored recipients. Bestowed upon me by Les the Great over at BESTBATHROOMBOOKS; the rules for passing along this award are as follows:
First: Tell people at least five things you do that would make them want to kill you, or at the very least, make them hate you for the rest of their lives. It’s a good thing there’s only five, because I could be here all day.
1. I SPEAK IN RANDOM ACCENTS IN PUBLIC. What’s great is going to the grocery store and buying milk, bread and eggs all while speaking in a normal accent. Then going back the next day to the same cashier and buying the same three things and asking the same inane questions only this time using a British accent (think Mary Poppins Chimney Sweep). Hi-larious.
2. CONSISTENTLY AND INTENTIONALLY MISPRONOUNCING PEOPLE’S NAMES. If I really don’t like you I’ll change your name all together, such as in:
ME: “Hey Phil.”
RANDOM MAN: “Uh…my name is Bob.”
ME: “Hmm…no. You don’t look like a Bob. I’m going to call you Phil.”
3. REPEATEDLY INSERTING MY S.A.T. SCORE INTO RANDOM CONVERSATIONS. “You want to know where the library is? Why sure. You just turn left up here onto Main Street. You can trust me on this. I got 1430 on my S.A.T.s.”
4. PRETENDING I KNOW SIGN LANGUAGE. I’ll let your mind fill in the blanks on this one.
5. PRETENDING I CANNOT REACH THINGS THAT I OBVIOUSLY CAN, ONLY TO ACT OFFENDED WHEN SOMEONE MENTIONS MY HEIGHT.
ME: *struggling for something at eye-level* “Can you hand me that box of pasta please?”
HELPFUL GROCERY-BOY: *smiling* “You could have totally gotten that. You’re not that short.”
ME: *gasping* “Did you just call me SHORT?? WHERE IS YOUR MANAGER??”
*Helpful grocery-boy flees in fear, leaving a trail of urine behind him*
The next thing you have to do according to the rules is this: Blindfold yourself and walk out into traffic on the freeway. Since there are virtually no freeways in the state of New Hampshire I chose instead to stand out in the middle of the road and declare that as a whole, Massachusetts residents make better drivers. That’s TWICE as dangerous as a freeway, brotha.
The third thing I am supposed to do is pick out five things that I would stick up my ass if I was forced to. FORCED TO?? What makes you think I don’t already do this for FUN?? On with the list!
1. AN ALLEN WRENCH. How many times have you needed to tighten something and wouldn’t you know it, you needed an Allen wrench to do it. Like a Boy Scout, my ass comes prepared.
2. NINE VOLT BATTERIES. Again, this runs along the same lines as an Allen wrench. Never have one when you need one. Well I do.
3. VANILLA EXTRACT. I don’t use it often enough to award it space in a cabinet, but I need it none the less.
4. DR. PEPPER. There’s a windfall law suit just waiting to happen.
5. LOCKET-SIZED PHOTOS OF MY PROCTOLOGIST. Nothing says, “I love you” to an ass doctor like finding photos of himself during an exam. What can I say? I’m bashful.
I am also supposed to pick out five bloggers who I feel are worthy of Prom Court. Since I am Prom Queen for a day, I’ve decided to nominate seven lucky ladies as recipients of this award:
MISS LIFEINTHEFARCELANE: Voted most likely to find a Rugby player up her ass.
MISS DARLENE STEADMAN: Voted most likely to find something one would describe as “bitchin” up her ass.
MISS GINGERSNAAP: Voted most likely to find something she lost up her ass.
MISS KAYJAI: Voted most likely to find four things that each begin with the letters F, U, C, and K up her ass.
MISS SANDYLIKEABEACH: Voted most likely to find something both hot and Latin up her ass.
MISS VERYNORMAL: Voted most likely to find something cider flavored up her ass.
MISS SPARKLEBUMPS: Voted most likely to find something sparkly up her ass.
And since every Prom Queen needs a Prom King, I’ve nominated:
HR NIGHTMARE: Dude…I’m not saying a word.