(insert pithy rejoinder here)

Inaugural SPaM

In honor of Presidents’ Day I took a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota for an interview with Mount Rushmore Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln for a feature I’m calling “Inaugural SPaM.” While I hoped to get a glimpse into four of the greatest minds of history, what I actually got was…well, I’ll let you read for yourself.

H.E.: WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST SIGNIFICANT CHANGE IN POLITICS SINCE THE FOUNDATION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?

WASHINGTON: “Well I’d have to say that the principles of–”

JEFFERSON: “Why do you always have to answer first? Maybe one of us wants to say something insightful for a change.”

LINCOLN: “Now, now Thomas. George was merely stating–”

JEFFERSON: “Stuff it, Beardy. No one cares what you think.”

ROOSEVELT: “Whoa, hold your horses there, Jeffy.”

JEFFERSON: “I told you not to call me Jeffy!”

ROOSEVELT: “Alright, alright now just settle down. Go on and let Washington here answer and then you can speak your mind, Jeff-uh…son.”

WASHINGTON: “No, no. I’d like to hear what he has to say. Please Thomas, continue. Enlighten us with your timely opinion.”

JEFFERSON: “Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you? I bet you’d just loooove for me to say something so you can take all the credit. You thought I didn’t hear what you said to Franklin in the library, did you? Need someone to draft the Declaration of Independence? Sure, give it to Jefferson. He’ll write anything. I’ve yet to see a royalty check on that by the way.”

WASHINGTON: “We’ve been over this. We thought you understood that it was for the greater good.”

JEFFERSON: “The greater good of what?”

LINCOLN: “The good of the country, Thomas.”

JEFFERSON: “Easy for you to say. You and Baldy here get your birthdays’ remembered. What do Teddy and I get? Bupkiss, that’s what.”

WASHINGTON: “Not THAT again.”

ROOSEVELT: “Now, now; he’s got a point, George.”

JEFFERSON: “Damn straight I’ve got a point. Look at that crowd of people down there. They’re here because it’s Presidents’ Day. PRES-I-DENTS’ DAY. MY birthday is in April. Where’s the greater good in that?”

LINCOLN: “When to celebrate Presidents’ Day was not a decision made by George or I. We can hardly be held accountable for-”

JEFFERSON: “Figures you’d side with Washington. I think you secretly love him.”

WASHINGTON: “Now you’re being ridiculous.”

JEFFERSON: “Oh yeah? Then why does he stare at you all the time?”

LINCOLN: “I don’t know what you’re taking about.”

WASHINGTON: “I think you’ve gone off topic, here.”

JEFFERSON: Here’s a topic for you, George old boy. Of the four of us which one participated in the framing of the Constitution? Huh? What’s that? Oh right, it was ME. I find it highly ironic that I helped draft laws affording freedoms to include celebrating holidays and yet no one recognizes my birthday.”

WASHINGTON: “What the hell’s your problem, Jefferson? You don’t hear Roosevelt complaining.”

ROOSEVELT: “Well now, like I said before, ole Jeff here’s got a point. I’d like to see all our days honored, quite frankly. I know I wouldn’t mind seeing a few female citizens admiring us from below in tank tops come April. Am I right, Abe?”

JEFFERSON: “What are you asking HIM for?”

LINCOLN: “What’s THAT supposed to mean?”

JEFFERSON: “Oh I think you know what that means.”

LINCOLN: “I’ll have you know that I was married for–”

JEFFERSON: “Doesn’t matter. I’ve seen your wife.”

LINCOLN: “AND?”

JEFFERSON: “And can you say HAG?”

H.E.: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! THAT’S ENOUGH! I’LL SKIP TO MY LAST QUESTION WHICH IS THIS: WHAT DO EACH OF YOU THINK OF THE IDEA OF PRESIDENT OBAMA BEING ADDED TO YOUR SCULPTURE?

IN UNISON: “No comment.”

38 responses

  1. Love it! Since I have such limited knowledge of American history I am using these bickering presidents as my guide

    Like

    February 20, 2012 at 4:54 am

    • Oh God, what have I done!

      Like

      February 20, 2012 at 5:36 am

      • It’s all good! I just need to know about 4th July, Thanksgiving, and the Civil War now.

        Like

        February 20, 2012 at 6:43 am

  2. God, that just saved me 4 pennies! I’d never have guessed, what they were actually thinking. :D

    Like

    February 20, 2012 at 5:26 am

  3. This is a brilliant post but I can not get out my head the image of you stood shouting questions at Mount Rushmore ahaha.

    Like

    February 20, 2012 at 5:28 am

    • I’ve gotten a lot of practice shouting at four blockheads at home so yeah, it was easy.

      Like

      February 20, 2012 at 5:38 am

  4. Hmmm…American history is a blur to me, but I think this interview just broadened my scope of the inner workings of the political landscape that most politicians seek to emulate today…bickering, slander and if all else fails, insult the wife. Nicely done!

    Like

    February 20, 2012 at 6:52 am

    • American history is a blur to me too, which is why I re-invented it.

      Like

      February 20, 2012 at 10:30 am

  5. What a gassy, gossipy bunch. Are these the framers that are worshipped in America? Are these our saviours? GOOD GOD WE ARE LIVING A LIE!

    Like

    February 20, 2012 at 7:04 am

    • I know, I know! Run for the hills! Uh, on second thought….

      Like

      February 21, 2012 at 1:04 pm

  6. This tops your usual level of brilliance. In other words, I’m going to steal it.

    Like

    February 20, 2012 at 9:07 am

  7. cassiebehle

    What a seriously great, imaginative idea! LOVE!

    Like

    February 20, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    • Thanks! Come back on March 17th, I may just have something a little “Irish” for you. :)

      Like

      February 20, 2012 at 5:54 pm

      • cassiebehle

        I hope it’s free Guinness and corned beef and cabbage! ;)

        Like

        February 21, 2012 at 10:27 am

  8. I think you should have titled this “Four Rock Hard Men”. Wow, I miss the days when a guy could wear a wig without everyone getting all up in arms about it. And I’m thankful no one mentioned how the money with George on it has been stuffed in more g-strings than a flock of ukelelists.

    Or anything about a ‘big stick’.

    Like

    February 20, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    • Words were thrown around about cherry trees and wooden teeth, but I tried to keep it all respectable-like.

      Like

      February 20, 2012 at 5:58 pm

  9. I got $20 on Teddy in the coming brouha

    Like

    February 20, 2012 at 10:08 pm

  10. HRnightmare

    Not many people can put
    Rock hard men, wigs and g-sting together in one though
    But for you Mr. Hotspur it must be second nature.

    Like

    February 21, 2012 at 9:54 am

    • So I take it you finally got around to reading his Starship Innerthighs, huh?

      Like

      February 21, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    • Every strip club is filled with all three, HR!

      Like

      February 21, 2012 at 7:11 pm

      • Boom Roasted.

        Like

        February 21, 2012 at 8:13 pm

      • HRnightmare

        Sorry dude I don’t need to pay to see women nak..
        You know what Nevermind your probably right. You frequent them more then I Sooo.
        How about a cold keg and we’ll call it a day.

        Like

        February 21, 2012 at 9:08 pm

        • Good one. ‘You go to clubs more than me’. I’ll never recover.

          *sigh*

          Like

          February 21, 2012 at 9:20 pm

  11. Awww…you’re friends. :)

    Like

    February 22, 2012 at 5:57 am

  12. Pingback: Iconic Interviews – The Book! « H.E. ELLIS

  13. Pingback: An Iconic Birthday! (Bigger than Arbor Day, Even!) | Guapola

  14. Pingback: Iconic Interviews – The Book! | H.E. ELLIS

Lay The Awesome On Me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,118 other followers