The Hellis 100 (71-80)
For the next installment of THE HELLIS 100 I have decided to create a list of some of the best-selling books of all time. Not because of their stellar content or because they are some of my favorites, but because they may well be the most abused and exploited novels ever.
Confused? Alright, I’ll explain:
Have you ever sat next to someone who was reading a book that they were just a little too eager to tell you about? Did you ever wonder why that was? Well I have discovered that there are people out there with no interest in reading great literature, they simply purchase certain books to adopt a perceived “mystique.” Today I am going to save you the ass-pain of figuring out how to differentiate between genuine readers and those with something to prove.
We start our TOP TEN LIST OF BOOKS FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE AN AGENDA with…
10. David Foster Wallace – INFINITE JEST
Who the reader wants you to think he is: Confident, Educated, Worldly.
Who he REALLY is: An Efete Wanker.
If you look closely enough you’ll see a wet ring around his collar where the captain of the football team gave him a swirly back in high school. And ladies, you better believe he’s still angry about it. This fop is going to employ the pre-emptive “shoot down” by randomly insulting you before you say a word because he assumes you won’t date him. Then he’ll call you a lesbian. To your face.
9. Johnathan Frazen – Freedom
Who the reader wants you to think he is: Intelligent, Powerful, A Man of Consequence.
Who he REALLY is: A Pseudo Intellectual.
Don’t bother saying a thing to this self-aggrandized windbag because he won’t hear a word of it. That’s because your words can’t drown out the sound of his own voice resonating inside his head. This blowhard hasn’t really read the book, he has simply committed to memory The New York Times review of it. Ladies, don’t bother kicking him in the balls because he won’t feel it. All the blood has left his withered nether regions in order to fuel his massive, throbbing ego.
8. Nick Hornby – High Fidelity
Who the reader wants you to think he is: Hip, Urban, Cool.
Who he REALLY is: A Hipster Douche.
My apologies to all you die-hard Hornby fans out there, but just like Fedoras and Elvis Costello Hipsters have ruined this for you. Pray they don’t discover Adult Swim. Oh shit…
7. Douglas Adams – Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Who the reader wants you to think he is: Quirky, Clever, Witty.
Who he REALLY is: A Self-hating Uber Dork.
This is the man who, when he’s about to ask you out, looks as though he’ll take his own life if you say no. Because despite all his education and life experiences, he doesn’t for one moment believe he has overcome whatever debilitating flaw it was that prevented him from getting laid in high school. If you can stand tears and pu**y worship then ladies; this is the guy for you.
6. Bret Easton Ellis – Less Than Zero
Who the reader wants you to think he is: Edgy, Raw, Unpredictable.
Who he REALLY is: A Basement Dweller.
Chances are you’ll meet this dude in a used bookstore or an underground vinyl den because he is above it all. He’ll tell you all about how he “chose” to leave corporate America and live in his mother’s basement and how it had nothing to do with his raging coke habit. He’s not shy about sharing stories of his latest conquests with anyone who will listen and as awful as that sounds, what you must NEVER do is agree to read his manuscript when he asks you to. And believe me, he will ask. Just. Don’t. Do it.
5. Jodi Picoult – My Sister’s Keeper
Who the reader wants you to think she is: Compassionate, Feminine, Maternal.
Who she REALLY is: A Desperate Housewife.
The only thing needed to push this woman off the razor-thin edge between estrogen laden housefrau and dick-eating femshrew is one bad dumpster bang. Seriously. This woman is so desperate for love she’ll deny her lack of ability to get it and instead play her failure off as female enlightenment. But guys, don’t let this one fool you. She’ll read deeper meaning into every word of the Valentine’s Day card she bought for herself that you would’ve gotten her had you only bothered to get to know her better. Your relationship arc will mirror her favorite soap-opera couple and you will have to check the TV Guide just to find out what is going to happen next. Don’t bother wearing a cup boys; just tear those puppies off and chuck ’em in a lake. It’s bound to be less painful in the long run.
4. Jack Kerouac – On The Road
Who the reader wants you to think he is: Enlightened, Self-Actualized, Deep-Thinking.
Who he REALLY is: Dangerously Anti-Social.
This one longs for the days of social simplicity and freedom from the shackles of modern society. What that really means is he has absolutely no clue how to relate to others; namely women. Be warned people; this dude is one remote cabin, bad cigarette, loose leaf piece of notebook paper away from penning his “manifesto.”
3. Ernest Hemingway – For Whom The Bell Tolls
Who the reader wants you to think he is: Exciting, Rugged, Dangerously Sexy.
Who he REALLY is: A Closet Rapist
I am going to insert a qualifier here. If you see a college age male or a man over the age of fifty reading Hemingway then you needn’t worry. One is broadening his horizons and the other has lived long enough to appreciate classic literature. But if you see a man around, say…thirty, spouting how Hemingway “knew his shit” then ladies, you need to run. NOW. Because this piece of work uses Hemingway’s genius as a reason to explain away his own hard drinking and random abuses. You’ll hear how he admires the days of “real men” as he cups his iphone instead of his balls and then boasts about how his unwanted sexual advances are really romantic overtures. When you run into this dillhole make sure you hand him a fifth of scotch and a shotgun and tell him to complete the transformation. Expect him not to get it.
2. Nicholas Sparks – The Notebook
Who the reader wants you to think he is: Attentive, Passionate, Nurturing.
Who he REALLY is: The Flaccid Casanova.
This tool appears in all the places that he believes women predominately gather, like yoga class or the self-help section in bookstores. He’ll make a point of letting you see him holding this book but make no mistake, the fool has never read a word of it. This lowly scavenger’s game isn’t to impress you with how in touch he is with his feminine side, it’s to pick up female scraps the Alpha male leaves behind. So the next time you see this loser lurking about, fix him up with Miss Desperate Housewife up there. It’ll be a match made in “meh.”
1. Chuck Palahniuk – Fight Club
Who the reader wants you to think she is: Smart, Tough, Empowered.
Who she REALLY is: The Damaged Chick.
The Damaged Chick is the most dangerous of all the deluded readers because there are no obvious outward signs to her blinding dysfunction other than her sweaty clasp on an a Chuck Palahniuk novel. Deceptive and disarming, this woman knows her prey and isn’t above playing the “adorable” card in order to get what she wants. Make no mistake boys, what she wants is your head on a plate. Oh, she’ll bat her eyes as you tell her she resembles a Disney Princess and smile sweetly when you describe how her wisp of a frame will fit nicely in your pocket. All the while she’ll be cursing you for not seeing the badass rocker chick she really is. Like a Gremlin, this woman comes with rules. Don’t offer to open the door for her. Don’t lift things because you think they are too heavy. Don’t pat her on the head and placate her ego. But most importantly, whatever you do, NEVER ask her about her blog.