Send In The Clowns
My family hates me.
Since I’m a bus driver and since it’s spring I’ve been taking advantage of some sweet, sweet overtime in the form of after school field trips. Unfortunately that leaves my empty bedroom fair game for my family and their twisted sense of humor.
If I’ve never mentioned it before let me say it now; I hate clowns. I mean, motherf–cking HATE clowns. And dolls. And mannequins. And ventriloquist dummies. Especially ventriloquist dummies. This information translates to one thought amongst my family members and that thought is this:
BUY MOM LOTS AND LOTS OF CLOWNS. AND DOLLS. AND VENTRILOQUIST DUMMIES.
Now, what I do love are clocks. This is the “get out of jail free” card my children played when explaining the motivation behind their latest purchase.
People, this is a clock with an ACTUAL photograph of an obviously disturbed individual posing as a clown. This uploaded photo doesn’t do justice to the three-dimensional illusion painstakingly added by the manufacturer to give it a more “life-like” quality. As if my screaming in surround sound wasn’t enough.
Then there is the double whammy junk punch of the sadistic Doll/Clown combo. Seriously, what child wants to play with these? I bet little John Wayne Gacy knew.
Last, but not least, is Mortimer. Yes, that is a ventriloquist dummy on top of my dresser and his name is Mortimer. MORT (death in Latin) – imer. Mortimer wants to eat my soul. I know because he whispers this over and over again all night long. I’ve made it a point to begin kicking puppies and stealing popsicles from small children in order to rid myself of my soul before he can get to it. That’ll show him.
I suppose this blog post can be summed up with the sad thought that my Busey clock is the most “normal” thing in my room.
REVIEW: Harem Master
HAREM MASTERWhen I first chose to review HAREM MASTER I was concerned I’d find nothing more than a glorified Penthouse Forum article. Yes, it does involve a middle-aged man who is “entertained” by a self-appointed harem of females ranging from employees to contemporaries to nymphets. And yes, it is at times raunchy and raw and sexually charged. But R.B. Hatch’s development of the narrator, a man simply known as “John,” is well written and highly entertaining.
As a reader I found myself simultaneously repulsed by and sympathetic toward John’s actions that form the relationship between him and his “harem.” In “John” Hatch has created an “everyman” whose wit, intelligence and sense of mystery utterly charm the women around him into willingly becoming his objects of desire. It’s Hatch’s ability to endear John to the reader that helps to create a world that is not only plausible, but downright believable.
More than just erotica, HAREM MASTER is a plot-driven novel that delves into the mind and motives of its protagonist and speaks with a voice that will please its readers.
REVIEW: Scenes From A Morning Drive
Nothing is what it seems in Edward Hotspur’s world. Inspired by the ultra-humorous author’s blog, his compilation book entitled SCENES FROM A MORNING DRIVE reads like a Lewis Carroll novel ghost-written by William Shakespeare as spoofed by Monty Python. More than just words, SCENES FROM A MORNING DRIVE is short fiction at its best.
With the weather often inspiring his moods and his esoteric musical stylings an ever constant soundtrack; Edward Hotspur waxes poetic on everything from road construction to cloud formations to office minutiae. His skillful way with words and unique perspective on love, life and laughter bring new meaning to the term “triple threat.”
Sometimes heartwarming, often tragic but always humorous SCENES FROM A MORNING DRIVE takes the scenic route through Edward Hotspur’s mind and shows you the world as you have never seen it before.
Happy Birthday H.R. Nightmare!!!
Smug Bastard
Yes ladies and gentlemen, today is the infamous H.R. Nightmare’s birthday. Celebrating H.R.’s birthday is a big deal because anyone who knows him personally cannot believe this man is still alive. The list of things he’s done is crazy enough to fill a book (You need to write one, HR. I’ll help).
In honor of this special occasion I have decided to create a quiz to test how much you know about H.R. Nightmare. Scoring is as follows:
A=1 point
B=2 points
C=3 points
D=4 points
Correct answers when added together will equal HR’s age. Tally your points and then read the answers at the bottom of the post. Now onto…
1. HR is of ___________ descent:
A) Romanian
B) Swedish
C) Native American
D) All of the above
2. HR’s bedroom in high school contained:
A) An entire wall covered with names of girls he’d slept with including how many times each
B) A Rickenbacker bass guitar signed by Lemmy Kilmeister
C) A 1972 Triumph Bonneville Chopper motorcycle
D) All of the above
3. HR has earned money as:
A) A fitness model
B) A male escort
C) Underground fight club champ
D) All of the above
4. HR has been arrested for:
A) Riding a motorcycle down the hall of his high school
B) Burning down a barn while making an apple bong
C) Stealing a squad car while drunk at the age of twelve
D) All of the above
5. HR got away with:
A) Smuggling illegal immigrants to and from job sites in box vans
B) Boosting Indy 500 winner Jim Rathmann’s Ferrari as a prank
C) Hitchhiking home from Vegas after stealing and then abandoning his dad’s tractor trailer
D) All of the above
6. HR has been injured by:
A) Being stabbed and shot
B) Severing his hand nearly in two on a table saw
C) Being thrown by his father through the rear windshield of a Ford LTD
D) All of the above
7. HR saved the day when he:
A) Rescued a school bus full of children trapped under downed power lines
B) Was the only EMT willing to drive an ambulance through the ice storm of 2008
C) Rebuilt the entire brake system in a stretch hummer limo in a single night as a gift to competition bound cheerleaders
D) All of the above
8. The stupidest thing HR has ever done:
A) Got a speeding ticket while riding a go-cart built out of a bed frame and lawn tractor
B) Let his stoned buddy “pierce” his ear with a pneumatic staple gun
C) Let H.E. drive his Corvette
D) All of the above
9. The most unbelievable thing about HR is:
A) He was an extra in a major motion picture
B) He does not have a tattoo
C) Trained as an amateur power lifter by Kieran Kidder
D) All of the above
THE ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ ARE AS FOLLOWS:
D) All of the above
Seriously dude, write a book.
M3 Writer’s Spotlight
Today I was lucky enough to score a book interview with the one and only Red from Momma’s Money Matters; a blog about, “Money, parenting, blogging, psychology…good advice delivered with a bit of snark and humor.”
In addition to Red being a blogging powerhouse and gracious post host; she managed to do what almost no one in the world has been able to do. Yes, Red convinced me to tell a dirty little secret about myself.
Yikes.
The Devil and Tom Brady
A very odd thing has happened to my blog over the past month or so. Ever since the Super Bowl the hits on my New England Dissected post have gone through the roof. It seemed like every time I checked my stats someone was feeding “New England” into a search engine until I finally reached 1,002 views. How could that be possible, you ask? Check out the stat just below it. 
Interview with the King of the Leprechauns
Today for our holiday interview we are lucky to have with us Fergus O’Malley, King of the Leprechauns.
You seem angry today, Fergus. Can you tell us why?
Because of yesterday, that’s why. We Leprechauns spend every Saint Paddy’s Day in hiding.
But I would have thought you’d be happy on Saint Patrick’s Day. Isn’t it an Irish holiday?
Saint Patrick can kiss my arse. His holiday has nuttin’ to do with Leprechauns or the Irish. It has to do with him bein’ chuffed and converting pagans to Christians. We Leprechauns are pagan, dontcha know. Patty old boy can take his church and stuff it.
Does that mean you’d be in favor of your own holiday?
Jesus, Mary and Joseph no – we Leprechauns wish to be left alone. Every year it’s the same thing; tourists come from all around to visit Ireland to steal our gold. The worst are the Italians. Nuttin’ but a bunch of sausage stuffing pasta eaters.
Alright now, that’s enough about the Italians.
Ahh…why is that lass? Do you be one of ‘em?
Well, if you must know yes; I am Italian as well as Irish.
Ahh…the Saints have mercy on ya’. I was in love with an Irish/Italian girl once. Her name was Erin Go Braughless. A milkmaid, dontcha know. She had the strongest hands in the county. Why I remember once I stood on a stool and then she-
That’s quite enough of that. What’s the hardest thing about being a Leprechaun?
Aye, I’d have to say visiting America. The children chase us through the streets for our Lucky Charms. In Ireland, lucky charms are me wee bits, not a breakfast cereal.
Wow, I can see why you’d be angry. What is the one thing you’d like the world to know about Leprechauns?
That our shoe size is no indicator of our grand–
AND that concludes our interview with Fergus O’Malley, King of the Leprechauns. Return April 1st for our exclusive interview with Loki, the God of mischief. Until then, enjoy one of my favorite Irish songs as performed by Metallica. (Hey HR, this video reminds me of the parties you used to have at your house. You know the ones I’m talking about ).
Holy Shit I’m Irish!
So today was supposed to be a family get together day where I was to make dinner for everyone. As a rule I don’t cook, since I can barely prepare toast without the local fire department getting involved. But for some reason this year I was feeling a little guilty about how I tend not to embrace the Irish half of me. Why I decided that my allegiance to the green, white and orange was best demonstrated by cooking I’ll never know. As expected dinner was a catastrophe. If you’d like to see just how much I crashed and burned, go here.
So I have decided that instead of cooking like an Italian, I am going to drink like an Irishman.
Sort of.
*** UPDATE – SANTA CLAUS ***
SANTA CASE GROWS, SO DO TROUBLES
Reuters
North Pole – In a bizarre twist of events today in the North Pole, the ongoing troubles of Santa Claus just went from bad to worse. Jose Baez, prominent defense attorney for Casey Anthony, appeared on behalf of Mr. Claus today at the Superior Court of the North Pole to file multiple appeals and motions relating to the case against Mr. Claus. This troubling case started with the arrest of Claus on January 2nd this year on drug and prostitution charges.
Also before the judge presiding was the Prosecuting Attorney, who declined a public statement. However, based on comments by Mr. Baez there are a host of additional charges being brought against his client. Although he did not enumerate them, he did allude to tax evasion, fraud, money laundering, and other charges related to unsafe business practices.
“These additional charges against Mr. Claus, a man of sterling character, are nothing more than a witch hunt,” Mr. Baez said.
As the rumors spread on the court steps, Mr. Baez responded to questions about the integrity of his client by saying, “Any fan of Law and Order knows this is nothing but a fishing expedition by the Prosecution, and a poorly-disguised one at that. Bill Clinton ran a cleaner campaign than the Prosecution has conducted with this case.”
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a source close to the District Attorney’s office stated that there had been some calls from U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder, adding an international flavor to the mix.
“The U.S. has no dog in this fight,” Baez said when asked about this information, adding, “The efforts of the U.S., Canada, and Greenland to muddle this case and cast aspersions on my client are nothing but rumors of the worst kind.”
The local rumor mill, already overcharged by events surrounding these events, went wild when star attorney Gloria Allred was spotted at the airport hustling from a chartered jet into a limousine. This spurred rumors that Mrs. Claus had retained her representation in connection with her husband’s mounting legal difficulties.
H.E. Ellis is an author, blogger and all around menace on leave for current assignment at the North Pole. Regular blogging is scheduled to resume on March 17, 2012.
My Secret Admirer – Fourteen
It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Find out who that winner is by clicking on the trophy to your right.
Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
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My Dearest Helena Elizabeth,
It is I, Patricia, and I have finally gathered up enough courage to write you and ask you this very important question:
Would you give me the honor of being my Special Lady Friend without the Sex?
(Wow, it feels really awesome to, at last, get that off of my chest!)
The bond I feel with you is unlike any I have ever felt before. I was just telling my husband the other day, “Husband, she is the one for me! She, Helena Elizabeth, is the Special Lady Friend without the Sex I have been dreaming of!”
You and I have bonded over our un-managed ADHD and I know you ‘GET ME’. You had me at hello Helena, you.had.me.at.hello.
I was thinking of coming out to your house and, when I move in, it will be sooo fun to hear all of our nosy neighbors saying things like, ” Look Gladys, Helena finally got herself a Special Lady Friend without the Sex, I hear that sorta thing is all the rage in Europe”. You always were a forward thinker Helena, your town needs this kind of thing! The world is ready for us honey bunny, I just know it.
For our first Special Lady Friend without the Sex nite in, I thought we could give in to our ADHD impulses and lure that attractive UPS guy you’ve spoken about into our home, to see if he can do something about our ‘without the Sex’ arrangement. We will have to start thinking outside of the box Helena, since we won’t be touching each others’ Boxes. ( although my husband has offered his services to you if you should ever need them)
I hope you will be as GIDDY as I am with the Marriage Contracts I had drawn up for our children! My oldest girl will marry your oldest boy, your middle boy will marry my youngest girl (even though she is only 5, she is very mature for her age), and your daughter may pick one of my 2 boys as her bethrothed beloved! It’s a match made in Special Lady Friend without the Sex heaven!
I look forward to being your muse for your next book and tears are already welling up as I reflect upon the Dedication you will write to me in those 1st few precious pages:
‘For Patricia,
I never knew what inexplicable joy I was missing in my life until I met you, my Special Lady Friend without the Sex’.
Oh Helena! Isn’t it WONDERFUL? My husband is so overjoyed with the treasure I have found in you, that he is sending me off tomorrow! He keeps muttering something about ‘that frigid woman’, but I am certain the poor dear is only concerned with it being so cold in the East this time of year!
So, my little Apple Blossom, are you ready for a ‘new chapter in your book’( get it? “New chapter in your book’? Ha-ha, you are a writer and we are starting a new chapter in OUR book) to begin?
A chapter filled with adopting stray cats, long walks and tire stacking, reading Jodi Picoult novels out loud to one another, painting each others toenails, Justin Bieber concerts with our Brady Bunch, no sex-unless it’s the battery operated kind,sharing ‘how to avoid bikini razor burn’ tips, guiding one another to finding the right kind of Spanx-not to be confused with Spanks, and an eternal kind of Special Lady Friend without the Sex love? I know I am ready Helena, ready like an eager beaver who doesn’t want to touch your beaver.
Fondly and Forever Yours in Special Lady Friend without the Sex love,
Patricia
XOXOXOXO
(X from the side and O only on your cheek or hand)
************
Dearest Patricia,
While the idea of having a “Special Lady Friend Without the Sex” sounds appealing, I am afraid that I am going to have to decline. Sadly, I’ve been down that road before, as I once had a “Special Man Friend Without the Sex.”
I called him my husband.
- Helena
CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:
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So Long For Now
Hello Blogworld,
Sadly, the real world has seeped into my blog life, and I will not be blogging for a yet undetermined amount of time. Nothing tragic has happened, but family duty calls. Tomorrow’s Secret Admirer Reveal will post as scheduled but I will be unable to post beyond that.
I apologize to all my SPaM and Love Letter Gone Wrong writers for my abrupt hiatus. I hope to be back at some point to pick up where we left off.
If I cannot return, please know that it’s been a blast. Truly.
H.E. Ellis
Love Letters Gone Wrong – Fourteen
It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
This week’s love letter was written by a lady blogger who was nominated for Prom Court in my GLITTER E. YANUS post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.
*** THE SECRET ADMIRER MAY HAVE WRITTEN A PREVIOUS LETTER ***
My Dearest Helena Elizabeth,
It is I, Patricia, and I have finally gathered up enough courage to write you and ask you this very important question:
Would you give me the honor of being my Special Lady Friend without the Sex?
(Wow, it feels really awesome to, at last, get that off of my chest!)
The bond I feel with you is unlike any I have ever felt before. I was just telling my husband the other day, “Husband, she is the one for me! She, Helena Elizabeth, is the Special Lady Friend without the Sex I have been dreaming of!”
You and I have bonded over our un-managed ADHD and I know you ‘GET ME’. You had me at hello Helena, you.had.me.at.hello.
I was thinking of coming out to your house and, when I move in, it will be sooo fun to hear all of our nosy neighbors saying things like, ” Look Gladys, Helena finally got herself a Special Lady Friend without the Sex, I hear that sorta thing is all the rage in Europe”. You always were a forward thinker Helena, your town needs this kind of thing! The world is ready for us honey bunny, I just know it.
For our first Special Lady Friend without the Sex nite in, I thought we could give in to our ADHD impulses and lure that attractive UPS guy you’ve spoken about into our home, to see if he can do something about our ‘without the Sex’ arrangement. We will have to start thinking outside of the box Helena, since we won’t be touching each others’ Boxes. ( although my husband has offered his services to you if you should ever need them)
I hope you will be as GIDDY as I am with the Marriage Contracts I had drawn up for our children! My oldest girl will marry your oldest boy, your middle boy will marry my youngest girl (even though she is only 5, she is very mature for her age), and your daughter may pick one of my 2 boys as her bethrothed beloved! It’s a match made in Special Lady Friend without the Sex heaven!
I look forward to being your muse for your next book and tears are already welling up as I reflect upon the Dedication you will write to me in those 1st few precious pages:
‘For Patricia,
I never knew what inexplicable joy I was missing in my life until I met you, my Special Lady Friend without the Sex’.
Oh Helena! Isn’t it WONDERFUL? My husband is so overjoyed with the treasure I have found in you, that he is sending me off tomorrow! He keeps muttering something about ‘that frigid woman’, but I am certain the poor dear is only concerned with it being so cold in the East this time of year!
So, my little Apple Blossom, are you ready for a ‘new chapter in your book’( get it? “New chapter in your book’? Ha-ha, you are a writer and we are starting a new chapter in OUR book) to begin?
A chapter filled with adopting stray cats, long walks and tire stacking, reading Jodi Picoult novels out loud to one another, painting each others toenails, Justin Bieber concerts with our Brady Bunch, no sex-unless it’s the battery operated kind,sharing ‘how to avoid bikini razor burn’ tips, guiding one another to finding the right kind of Spanx-not to be confused with Spanks, and an eternal kind of Special Lady Friend without the Sex love? I know I am ready Helena, ready like an eager beaver who doesn’t want to touch your beaver.
Fondly and Forever Yours in Special Lady Friend without the Sex love,
Patricia
XOXOXOXO
(X from the side and O only on your cheek or hand)
Blog Happenings
I wanted to let you all know about some really interesting things happening around blog world. First, for all you would be writers out there Madison Woods is shaking things up at her blog with what she’s calling Tuesday Share.
Tuesdays are where she’ll, “invite other writers to tell me their stories. How they started, where they are and hope to get. If already published, what books they have out and where they can be found. Let us know how to find you in the world wide web of networking and which haunt is favorite. Each Tuesday Share will close with a blurb from whatever story the author is working on or are trying to sell.”
The second is her appropriately named, “Would You Buy It?” Thursday where, “I’ll post a 25 word pitch from a different author and the rest of us will vote on it as to whether we’d buy the book based on that brief distillation. We’ll offer constructive crit in the comment section. At the end of the week, I’ll send the poll summary to the participant and all the comments and they can take it from there to decide what to do with it.”
Next is my WHORRIBLE friend Jonathan Borden who’s latest work, New World Order peeks into a future that may or may not contain fellow blogger and SciFi dweller Dayton Ward; whose latest novel THAT WHICH DIVIDES recently went on sale. For you uber fans out there he’s also done an interview with equally uber Star Trek fan Chris Jones over at Trek.fm’s “Matter Stream” channel.
While I am beginning to appreciate SciFi, I believe my contribution to the genre would probably look a little something like this:
