A quasi writer avoiding life through Zen meditation and grain alcohol

Interview with the King of the Leprechauns

Today for our holiday interview we are lucky to have with us Fergus O’Malley, King of the Leprechauns.

You seem angry today, Fergus. Can you tell us why?

Because of yesterday, that’s why. We Leprechauns spend every Saint Paddy’s Day in hiding.

But I would have thought you’d be happy on Saint Patrick’s Day. Isn’t it an Irish holiday?

Saint Patrick can kiss my arse. His holiday has nuttin’ to do with Leprechauns or the Irish. It has to do with him bein’ chuffed and converting pagans to Christians. We Leprechauns are pagan, dontcha know. Patty old boy can take his church and stuff it.

Does that mean you’d be in favor of your own holiday?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph no – we Leprechauns wish to be left alone. Every year it’s the same thing; tourists come from all around to visit Ireland to steal our gold. The worst are the Italians. Nuttin’ but a bunch of sausage stuffing pasta eaters.

Alright now, that’s enough about the Italians.

Ahh…why is that lass? Do you be one of ’em?

Well, if you must know yes; I am Italian as well as Irish.

Ahh…the Saints have mercy on ya’. I was in love with an Irish/Italian girl once. Her name was Erin Go Braughless. A milkmaid, dontcha know. She had the strongest hands in the county. Why I remember once I stood on a stool and then she-

That’s quite enough of that. What’s the hardest thing about being a Leprechaun?

Aye, I’d have to say visiting America. The children chase us through the streets for our Lucky Charms. In Ireland, lucky charms are me wee bits, not a breakfast cereal.

Wow, I can see why you’d be angry. What is the one thing you’d like the world to know about Leprechauns?

That our shoe size is no indicator of our grand–

AND that concludes our interview with Fergus O’Malley, King of the Leprechauns. Return April 1st for our exclusive interview with Loki, the God of mischief. Until then, enjoy one of my favorite Irish songs as performed by Metallica. (Hey HR, this video reminds me of the parties you used to have at your house. You know the ones I’m talking about ;) ).

42 responses

  1. You know, I’ve never seen a female Leprechaun. I’m guessing that has a lot to do with his anger.

    March 18, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    • Female…Leprechauns. God I wish I’d thought of that.

      March 18, 2012 at 3:07 pm

  2. meganstephenson

    Lucky charms breakfast?! And I had to do this in an Irish accent in my head, it make me giggle :P

    March 18, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    • Aye, thanks for the laugh, Lass.

      March 18, 2012 at 3:08 pm

  3. That video does things to me. On an unrelated subject, one of my top searches lately has been “old people masturbation”. On another unrelated subject, the mere fact of H.E. being back in the blogging world makes me want to touch…………my keyboard and tell you how many chuckles I got out of this interview. “Me wee bits”, indeed. Aren’t they the hardest things about being a leprechaun?

    March 18, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    • My favorite search term ever has been “saggy man balls.” I mean…why??

      And I can just see you now, going back and forth between the letters “H” and “E” faster and faster until…..

      Sigh.

      Make sure you start in the right order, otherwise it’ll go “E” then “H” and you’ll get Edward Hotspur all hot and bothered. ;)

      March 18, 2012 at 3:28 pm

      • “Not that there’s anything wrong with that”

        March 18, 2012 at 3:31 pm

  4. Aww yes, I DO remember those good ol’ days (some of them anyway).

    So here’s a question; seeing as how thousands of people attempt to locate leprechauns each year to prove their existence, how the hell did you get their king to sit long enough for an interview? Follow up question, did he show you his Shillelagh?

    March 18, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    • Yes, he did show me his shillelagh. How do you think I scored the interview?

      March 18, 2012 at 3:43 pm

  5. O’MG!

    What’s Irish and sits on the deck? Paddy O’Furniture!

    March 18, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    • Finally! A joke I can tell my kid! He didn’t appreciate when I called his Shamrock shake “Lepre-cum.” Kids are so uptight these days.

      March 18, 2012 at 3:42 pm

      • There’s a joke that has the punchline “Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald”.

        March 18, 2012 at 3:57 pm

        • Off to the Google….

          March 18, 2012 at 4:09 pm

          • Oh…..

            March 18, 2012 at 4:11 pm

          • It could be offensive to some folks. Or funny. I don’t know why I lost my nerve. That’s not like me. Fuck.

            March 18, 2012 at 4:12 pm

            • It’s ok. I liked your joke. ;)

              March 18, 2012 at 4:18 pm

              • Everything I do is a joke.

                March 18, 2012 at 4:22 pm

              • According to something I read recently, the joke is in my hand.

                March 18, 2012 at 4:22 pm

                • Elaborate, please.

                  March 18, 2012 at 4:33 pm

                  • On the bathroom wall in a gas station?

                    March 18, 2012 at 4:39 pm

                  • Gratz on reaching 30k views

                    March 18, 2012 at 5:52 pm

                    • HOLY CRAP I DID!!!

                      March 18, 2012 at 6:32 pm

      • lol!!

        March 18, 2012 at 7:30 pm

  6. “Erin go Braughless” ROFLMAO

    Great post.

    March 18, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    • Thanks. I hit one once in a while.

      March 18, 2012 at 4:19 pm

  7. Jesus, Joseph and Mary the wee guy talks like he’s from around the bay (Newfoundland speak for…uh, well around the bay)

    March 18, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    • My Great-grandfather spoke Gaelic, and all I could ever understand was “Jesus, Mary and Joseph.” I wish I’d learned it while he was alive. Now all I can say is “Slainte!”

      March 18, 2012 at 6:35 pm

  8. Great interview.. I too, read it with an Irish accent… hilarious.

    March 18, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    • Thanks! I read it with a French accent, but to each her own.

      March 18, 2012 at 6:35 pm

  9. Great interview. I heard that accent in me wee head too! Was that 96? Sounded like him.
    Whoever it was, It was funny!

    March 18, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    • I will reveal my anonymous contributors in one single, glorious blog post on New Year’s Eve.
      Buahahahaha!!!!!

      March 18, 2012 at 7:00 pm

  10. Erin Go Braughless. Priceless.

    March 19, 2012 at 1:50 am

  11. LOL! Fergus and Santa need to start some kind of bitter legends club.

    March 19, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    • There may be something in the works… ;)

      March 20, 2012 at 5:09 am

  12. Pingback: Iconic Interviews – The Book! « H.E. ELLIS

  13. Pingback: An Iconic Birthday! (Bigger than Arbor Day, Even!) | Guapola

  14. Pingback: Iconic Interviews – The Book! | H.E. ELLIS

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