Sawyer SPaM
This seems really odd to say, but today is the birthday I assigned the character of Sawyer in my novel, The Gods of Asphalt. His birthday features prominently in the book so I thought I’d answer some questions I’ve been asked over the past year about his character.
1. Why did you pick April 30th for his birthday?
I knew from the beginning he would wreck a motorcycle on his birthday so I needed it to take place during warm weather– but before his high school graduation. Research revealed that Nebraska high schools let out the first weekend in May so there was my time crunch. I wanted the added insult of him screwing up his life the instant it became his to own. Besides, Sawyer shares his birthday with someone pretty awesome.
2. Why did you pick Sawyer for his name?
Sawyer is sort of a default name. In my real life there is a real River, although he is nothing like the River character (I based the River character on someone elses life entirely). I always knew that I would name the character of the blonde older brother River, so I had to think of a name that was in the same vein for the younger brother. Thus Sawyer was born, and not Steve.
3. Why is Sawyer so tall?
Sawyer is tall because it allows him to be good at basketball. Sawyer needed a way out of his father’s life so I gave him basketball because it offers scholarships as well as being the perfect sport for a kid who lives on the road. Football requires gear, baseball requires a team, track requires good weather but basketball can be played anywhere, anytime with anyone. All you need is a ball.
4. Why do you describe Sawyer looking the way you do?
My kids helped with this one. My son Junior HATES being called pretty when compared to his good-looking, blonde older brother Prince Charming. I described Sawyer to my daughter and she instantly pulled up a television show called BIG TIME RUSH and said, “I think you are 
describing this guy.” In that moment James Maslow became my vision for Sawyer. I even wrote a little snippet in my book for him. I’m my daughter’s hero for that.
5. Why is Sawyer’s jersey number 13?
Because number 13 belongs to Steve Nash, my all time favorite basketball player.
6. How come Sawyer can sing?
Because I can’t. No, seriously; basketball was what Sawyer was good at, but music was what he loved and what his mother robbed him of.
7. Does Sawyer ever get Sarah?
Hehehehe…..
My Secret Admirer – Eighteen
It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, so click the trophy to the right for this week’s secret blogger.
Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
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Dear H,
I’ve come to realize I am the only one for you, just because I may have let’s say “taken care” of the competition. But as I am writing this note on my clip board as a wander aimlessly around your house, don’t worry as to how I managed to get in but I can say I will pay for the hole in the roof.
That aside I must say, your choice of furniture is peculiar but the way it is (after I’ve made alterations) set out is pure amazing… I hope you like it. The only flaw for my love for you, is that your home does not have easy access to someone of my height but that said armed with my trusty foot stool I was able to reach those hard to get spots even managing to climb into your bed, my plan was to wait for you to come home to find me waiting for you but instead I decided to unpack all my clothing into what I presume is your wardrobe, and after going through just about all your clothing and admiringly wearing some items I might just have to take you shopping so that I can buy us matching vest tops that express our love for Snow White. As part of my work being a dwarf mob boss I am pleased to say anything or anyone you want can be dealt with making it easier for us to be together, money or resources are not an issue as you can see by the new jungle gym now found in your yard.
I have also assigned security to your kids and they are now on route to keep them safe you might want to drop them a call and tell them that the small green bushes that follow them with guns are there for their own protection. On that note I’m off for some shopping and I have some things to take care of, ill be back in a day or two.
Lots of love from but one of the 7 dwarves who now lives with you
xOxOx
P.s I think I left a gun in one of the draws please take case as it is loaded.
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Dear #7 (assuming?),
I surely do appreciate the added security on the kids, and yes, I had wondered where that draft and the jungle gym equipment came from, although around here, things appear in the yard randomly anyway.
I was intrigued by the stepstool refrences through your note. I have to admit that I’ve always fantasized about being in a situation where I’m the tall one, so that is something we’ll have to explore. However – and I hope this doesn’t deflate your Vienna sausage – I do want you to bring the other six friends you mention. I can’t tell you how long I’ve yearned for being taken care of that completely. Hope you and the six of your crew are “up” to me.
Waiting in anticipation,
H.E.
CLICK THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:
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Love Letters Gone Wrong – Eighteen
It’s time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who’s new to my blogroll:
The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.
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Dear H,
I’ve come to realize I am the only one for you, just because I may have let’s say “taken care” of the competition. But as I am writing this note on my clip board as a wander aimlessly around your house, don’t worry as to how I managed to get in but I can say I will pay for the hole in the roof.
That aside I must say, your choice of furniture is peculiar but the way it is (after I’ve made alterations) set out is pure amazing… I hope you like it. The only flaw for my love for you, is that your home does not have easy access to someone of my height but that said armed with my trusty foot stool I was able to reach those hard to get spots even managing to climb into your bed, my plan was to wait for you to come home to find me waiting for you but instead I decided to unpack all my clothing into what I presume is your wardrobe, and after going through just about all your clothing and admiringly wearing some items I might just have to take you shopping so that I can buy us matching vest tops that express our love for Snow White. As part of my work being a dwarf mob boss I am pleased to say anything or anyone you want can be dealt with making it easier for us to be together, money or resources are not an issue as you can see by the new jungle gym now found in your yard.
I have also assigned security to your kids and they are now on route to keep them safe you might want to drop them a call and tell them that the small green bushes that follow them with guns are there for their own protection. On that note I’m off for some shopping and I have some things to take care of, ill be back in a day or two.
Lots of love from but one of the 7 dwarves who now lives with you
xOxOx
P.s I think I left a gun in one of the draws please take case as it is loaded.
It’s SPaM…The Sequel!
*** YUP, I’M STILL WRITING. HERE’S A REPLAY OF MY IDIOT FRIEND AND UBER SIDEKICK JEB’S SPAM POST. HE’S BEEN AWAY FROM BLOGGING DUE TO SOME PRETTY AWESOME HAPPENINGS IN HIS LIFE WHICH I WILL BE FILLING YOU IN ON SOON ***
It’s time for another helping of SPaM (Shameless Promotion Mondays)
For today’s SPaM post I’m featuring someone I know personally. Someone larger than life both in appearance and personality. Someone who’s been like an obnoxious little brother, following me around making my life a living HELL. But I got him back by basing a character in my book on him. Then I threatened him with bodily harm if he didn’t make a companion blog to mine. And on that note I give you…
ME: So when did you first realize you were a loser?
JEB: When did we meet?
ME: Are you telling me you can’t remember?
JEB: I’m saying repressed memories fucking suck.
ME: Alright, moving on. You’re in your senior year of college. What are your plans for the future?
JEB: Plans for the future? I don’t plan for the future. 2012 is right around the corner. I plan on getting 3 stars on this level of Angry Birds but that’s about as far ahead as I’m planning.
ME: 2012? Oh that’s right. You’re one of those SciFi loving, Firefly watching, half-virgins aren’t you?
JEB: I’m not a geek. You just wrote me that way. And Firefly is awesome.
ME: Denial is not an attractive quality, Jeb.
JEB: I deny being not attractive. Just ask Megan. Hi!
ME: Calm your hormones and focus.
JEB: You ask the impossible.
ME: I begged you for almost a year to get a blog. What finally changed your mind?
JEB: I discovered there was stuff out there other than porn. And you scare the shit out of me.
ME: Being scared of females explains a lot about your love life.
JEB: I’m not scared of females, I’m scared of YOU. So much rage inside such a small person. As far as females go I have no problem with them, as long as they can cook. If you’ve got time to paint your toenails, you’ve got time to make me a fucking pot pie.
ME: So tell me again, who’s your girlfriend now?
JEB: I’m in between social relations right now. I don’t like to be tied down. Well, wait…
ME: You were a really good sport about letting me base a character in my book on you–
JEB: That’s only because you promised it would get me laid.
ME: So how’s that working out?
JEB: Great for River. Me, not so great. Again, in between social relations.
ME: How does it feel to be cockblocked by a fictional character?
JEB: Kind of like losing an election to a dead guy.
ME: Now that you have a blog, where do you intend to take it?
JEB: Everywhere, I guess.
ME: What is the one thing you’d like the blogging world to know about Jeb?
JEB: That you got “Broomstick” from me (it’s in the book). Everybody needs something to laugh at, so it might as well be me. Also if they’ve got a sister, email me at—
ME: And that’s enough for today. You can follow my buddy at JustJeb.
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If you or someone you know has something to promote, like a blog or book or music; just email me at heellisgoa@gmail.com. DO NOT PUT “SPAM” IN THE SUBJECT BAR.
Earth Day Interview With Gaia
In celebration of Earth Day I’ve decided to take a moment to sit down with Gaia, the Earth Goddess. Hello, Gaia. Thank you for sitting down with us today.
Oh it’s so good to be here, or anywhere for that matter. And thank you for celebrating Earth Day. It’s a small step towards saving my beautiful creation. So many people are so fucking oblivious to what is happening to this magnificent planet it boggles the mind, so thank you for the opportunity to shed a bit of light.
It’s been an unusually warm winter here in the United States. What do you attribute that to?
Well, I certainly had nothing to do with it despite what Zeus may have told you. He tried to tell me I was just having a primordial hot flash, but he’s almost as stupid about these things as most of the people on the planet. You people need to get your heads out of your collective asses and get a fucking clue. Do you think that over a century of burning coal and gas while at the same time cutting down my beautiful trees on a massive scale is having no effect on the atmosphere? If you don’t get your act together soon, the Earth is going to resemble Venus.
The world’s population is about to reach seven billion people. How has this affected Earth as you see it?
It’s making it damn hard for me to see the Earth. You know, almost all of the world’s problems can be attributed to one thing – too many people. When birth control was invented I thought you’d at least have the good sense to use it. But noooo. And now, people are a planetary problem. At least most of you seem to congregate in the same areas so there are still a few pristine places where you can experience this beautiful planet in all its glory.
You have quite the following among the New Age Hippie crowd. Which do you prefer as worshipers; the Hippies or the Greeks?
Ahhh, the Greeks – the wine, the debauchery, the bacchanalia – I love me a good bacchanalia. But then the Hippies, and not just the new age Hippies, but the old age ones, too, are all about peace and love and sex and getting high and hugging trees and the music. Yes, I think the music tips the scale in their favor.
I’ve done some research and discovered that you have over twenty children. Which one is your favorite?
I think it was way more than twenty but I lost count of the little bastards long ago. I know most mothers don’t refer to their offspring as little bastards but I never married any of their fathers, so they were all technically bastards. Now I’m not going to give you the standard mommy lie of ‘I don’t have a favorite, I love them all the same,’ because that is such a crock of shit. Of course, every mother has a favorite, it’s just that some mothers are better at hiding it than others. I simply adored Phoebe but Aergia was a huge disappointment.
Which God was the best in the sack?
Ahhh, I had some wild times with Uranus. There was nothing that guy wouldn’t do. And I mean NOTHING. It was SO hot! But he got a little mean in his old age so I got the kids to kill him. Pontus was so much fun, too. We would do some role playing, the pirate scenario was my favorite – always a hoot. Zeus had a huge ego, but sadly his manly parts weren’t so big.
How does it feel to be the original MILF?
Fucking fantastic! Though I prefer GILF or Goddess I’d Like to Fuck. There is fucking power in being so fuckable. Every woman deserves to feel like this. I think that’s what all those poser Wicca chicks are trying to achieve by invoking my name and dancing naked under the full moon.
What does Earth’s future hold for mankind?
I think you have that question backwards. It’s more a case of what does mankind’s future hold for the Earth. If you stay on your current path, the Earth is doomed. Earth is the only fucking planet you have. It is a glorious planet full of beauty and wonder. It can feed you and sustain you. All she asks in return is that you take care of her and nurture her. So get a fucking clue. Recycle, reuse, embrace sustainable farming, find viable sustainable energy, clean up the place. Tread lightly on the Earth and every now and then hug a tree.
CLICK THE RED BUTTON FOR PAST HOLIDAY ICON INTERVIEWS!!!
My Secret Admirer – Seventeen
*** TODAY IS OUR SECRET ADMIRER REVEAL AS TOMORROW IS OUR EXCLUSIVE EARTH DAY INTERVIEW WITH THE EARTH GODDESS HERSELF, GAIA ***
It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did not have a winner, so click the trophy for another whacked out post.
Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
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My dearest H. E.:
I am so glad I found you through the magic of the internet, because when I first laid eyes on your blog, I knew you were destined to be in a box under my bed. Just like the girl who was kept captive in a box under someone’s bed in California in the late ’70s and early ’80s, you will of course be allowed to be outside of the box once I’m off work. Unlike that case, though, there will be no torture involved (who do you take me for, after all?). In fact, I won’t be abducting you while you are hitchhiking, like happened in that case, because I can’t afford the gas after all. I just know that YOU know that you belong in a box under my bed, and you will drive here. It would help if you’d bring the box too, because I don’t really like to do all that much when I’m not at work. But, I will make an exception for you, because of the fact that we are destined to be together.
So, if that’s the case (that you are too lazy to build your own box) please send me all your measurements and how much extra room you think you need in the box, and I’ll commence to building the damn thing. Let’s not overdo the size of it though; I don’t have a whole lot of headroom in the place, and I don’t really need to climb up in my bed with a stepladder. Of course, there’ll be a lot of “headroom” in the whole place for you. There will be “headroom” for us everywhere you and I go. If you play your cards right, I may spend some time in your box with you. I think the two of us might have some fun there, in your velvet-lined box.
The box will need to have ventilation, lighting, and some sort of bathroom facility built into it, so it would help if you could design all that in too. I can tell that you are one of those modern women who can do such things, and figure all kinds of things out for yourself, and that the only time you will need to be submissive to any man is when I snap my fingers and tell you that it’s time for you to serve me in some way.
Your box will have to have an internet connection in it and you will be allowed to have a laptop, because I really enjoy your blog and you will want to keep communicating with the rest of the world with it, when you are not communicating with me by giving me lip service. Plus you will want to work on your next novel, as we will need the extra income now that I will have an extra mouth to feed. Maybe you could start a second blog; you could call it “Thoughts from my box” or “The world according to my box” or “I’ve got more going on in my plush little box than you do in your whole house” dot wordpress dot com, or some such thing.
Obviously you won’t need much for clothes at first; I will keep the heat up higher than I usually would while I’m at work, so that you can always be wearing nothing but lingerie. Once I’m sure that you’ve “got your mind right” and aren’t going to think that you need more from life than a box under my bed and to serve me, daily, (hourly on weekends), then you will be allowed to spend more time outside the box. I don’t expect you to be “thinking outside the box”, though, unless it’s to be thinking of ways to make me even happier. I could go on and on about how much enjoyment your box will bring to both of us, but I think I’ve spent enough time fixating on your box for one night, don’t you?
Ever awaiting my chance to first lay eyes on your box,
I remain,
Your faithful servant
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Dear Faithful Servant,
How kind of you to think of giving me a box! I’ve always wanted one, you know. When I was in kindergarten I told my teacher I wanted a box and she gave me a small, narrow pink one that I didn’t think would hold anything bigger than a crayon, but somehow it accommodated even the largest pencils!
As I got a little older I told my mother I wanted a box but she said I was “confused.” Then I told the Pastor at my church about my want of a box, and he told me to pray so I wouldn’t get one. That made me really confused.
Finally I saw a doctor and told him about my box dreams. He told me to move to Colorado Springs and wear a dress for a year. Not sure what that has to do with a box, but I’ve grown to like how the silk feels against my skin.
I like the idea of you spending time with me in my box. I’m only 4’11″ so there may not be much room for you to fit. You may have to cram yourself in there. I’m sure we can make it work.
Waiting patiently for you to come fill my box,
MR. H.E. Ellis
CLICK THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:
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Love Letters Gone Wrong – Seventeen
It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who wished my Verynormal friend Megan a HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.
My dearest H. E.:
I am so glad I found you through the magic of the internet, because when I first laid eyes on your blog, I knew you were destined to be in a box under my bed. Just like the girl who was kept captive in a box under someone’s bed in California in the late ’70s and early ’80s, you will of course be allowed to be outside of the box once I’m off work. Unlike that case, though, there will be no torture involved (who do you take me for, after all?). In fact, I won’t be abducting you while you are hitchhiking, like happened in that case, because I can’t afford the gas after all. I just know that YOU know that you belong in a box under my bed, and you will drive here. It would help if you’d bring the box too, because I don’t really like to do all that much when I’m not at work. But, I will make an exception for you, because of the fact that we are destined to be together.
So, if that’s the case (that you are too lazy to build your own box) please send me all your measurements and how much extra room you think you need in the box, and I’ll commence to building the damn thing. Let’s not overdo the size of it though; I don’t have a whole lot of headroom in the place, and I don’t really need to climb up in my bed with a stepladder. Of course, there’ll be a lot of “headroom” in the whole place for you. There will be “headroom” for us everywhere you and I go. If you play your cards right, I may spend some time in your box with you. I think the two of us might have some fun there, in your velvet-lined box.
The box will need to have ventilation, lighting, and some sort of bathroom facility built into it, so it would help if you could design all that in too. I can tell that you are one of those modern women who can do such things, and figure all kinds of things out for yourself, and that the only time you will need to be submissive to any man is when I snap my fingers and tell you that it’s time for you to serve me in some way.
Your box will have to have an internet connection in it and you will be allowed to have a laptop, because I really enjoy your blog and you will want to keep communicating with the rest of the world with it, when you are not communicating with me by giving me lip service. Plus you will want to work on your next novel, as we will need the extra income now that I will have an extra mouth to feed. Maybe you could start a second blog; you could call it “Thoughts from my box” or “The world according to my box” or “I’ve got more going on in my plush little box than you do in your whole house” dot wordpress dot com, or some such thing.
Obviously you won’t need much for clothes at first; I will keep the heat up higher than I usually would while I’m at work, so that you can always be wearing nothing but lingerie. Once I’m sure that you’ve “got your mind right” and aren’t going to think that you need more from life than a box under my bed and to serve me, daily, (hourly on weekends), then you will be allowed to spend more time outside the box. I don’t expect you to be “thinking outside the box”, though, unless it’s to be thinking of ways to make me even happier. I could go on and on about how much enjoyment your box will bring to both of us, but I think I’ve spent enough time fixating on your box for one night, don’t you?
Ever awaiting my chance to first lay eyes on your box,
I remain,
Your faithful servant
Happy Birthday Tim Curry!!!
TODAY IS THE BIRTHDAY OF MY MOST FAVORITE ACTOR OF ALL TIME….TIM CURRY!!!!
I remember the first time I saw Tim Curry on the big screen. It was in a now defunct movie theater in Windsor, Connecticut with my best friend (yes, Quinn I’m talking about you) who dragged me kicking and screaming to see the movie ANNIE. I remember everyone HATING the character of Rooster but I was absolutely smitten. I loved his voice, the way he moved, his eyes, EVERYTHING about him.
It was just a few years later that I was dragged to another movie theater (yes, Quinn this was you again) in nothing but my bra and panties to see Tim Curry in the ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. Let me digress for a moment here…
Have you ever had an experience as a kid that forever changed your life? That molded and shaped how you saw the world and yourself in it for years to come? Yes, that was what Tim Curry’s FRANK-N-FURTER character did for me. Since then I’ve made a point to either see or hear everything he’s ever done in his career (even Pennywise the 
clown. That’s how deep my love goes).
Now, I’m not one to go all gushy when meeting celebrities (my life spent as a somewhat groupie kept my Starstruck meter in check) but if I were to meet Tim Curry in the flesh I’d fucking cum in colors, I shit you not (suck on that sentence, Freshly Pressed). So here’s to you, Tim Curry, for another glorious year with you in it!
It’s…SPaM!!! (Redux)
Seeing as I am neck deep in various writing projects, I’ve decided to start reblogging SPaM posts every other Monday. So take it away Edward Hotspur!
WELCOME TO…SPaM! (Shameless Promotion Monday)
I decided to take my fear of belief in Karma and offer my blog post on Mondays to someone who wants to be heard; be it writer, artist, musician, blogger, what have you. I hope to do this every Monday so if you or anyone you know is interested then shoot me an email at: heellisgoa@gmail.com
First up is blogger extraordinaire….EDWARD HOTSPUR!
I’m not exactly sure when I first stumbled onto Edward’s blog, but I’m glad I did. He’s like that guy you see in movies everywhere that you don’t know the name of but it doesn’t stop you from pointing at the screen and shouting, “Hey! It’s that guy!” As time goes on you notice him more and more and then once he makes it big you shout to everyone how you knew he’d make it all along. Well, today I’m shouting…
EDWARD HOTSPUR!
Whether it’s taking a virtual car ride alongside him to work or listening to his Zagnut packed tales of Granite Countertop–Private Investigator; every moment spent on the Hotspur blog is an online wet dream dripping in awesome sauce. Now let’s hear from the man himself.
So Edward…what prompted you to create such an awesome blog?
There was this flashing thing which I believe is called a ‘cursor’, and it seemed to want me to do something. Actually, I think of random stuff all the time and wanted to incorporate this weird but good stuff in something, like the first guy who ate lobster. The digital voice recorder helped with that. For me, this blog is like my Twitter, except instead of having 160 characters I have 5000+ words. Also, I must be honest – I chopped down the cherry tr – no, wait, what I meant to say was I hoped to make money at it.
How did you come up with the character “Granite Countertop?”
I actually came up with it, or him, right on the spot, and the process of that appears in Scenes From A Morning Drive 15. Behind the scenes (see what I did there?), there was one more part of the process, and that is that I was really sick, and on some cold medication. The meds really took the filter off – yes, imagine me with no filter – and I just went with it. A part of me wants to never get better so I can keep writing all the things! But the part of me that is sore and tired of being sick knows that this happy place can’t last forever. I’ll have to find another one.
I know I’d love to see Granite Countertop published somehow. Is this something you’re considering or is he just for fun?
Granite Countertop practically writes itself, plus it’s really easy to clean. I just put a pen to some paper, and come back and things have been written down for me. It was just for fun, but some people seemed to like it/him. If there’s any way to make a little money at something that is really fun, I don’t see why I wouldn’t publish something, if I can figure out how. Some of you might think I’m a little obsessed with money, but I’m not. I’m obsessed with bling, and you need money for that. No, seriously, I have found that if I plan things out, really think about what I’m writing and outline where I want a blog post, flash fiction story or some other piece to go, it kind of sucks. Whereas if I just sit down and start writing, it sucks a little less. So you can see, doing less work results in a slightly less bad product. That’s efficiency, baby!
Name the three things you’re most known for:
Aside from inventing the wheel, I am known for a sarcastic dry sense of humor, an enormously huge penchant for the absurd, and a tendency to end a sentence with a word that you don’t avocado.
Name the three things most people don’t know about you:
Most people don’t know that I’m older than I look, that I’m very romantic, or that I’ve got this blog. Sigh.
If someone made a movie of your life, who’d play you?
A robot of me would play me. It’s the only way to properly capture all the nuances and shadows of my personage.
What more can we expect from Edward Hotspur in the future?
I plan on finishing the novel I have started, which I estimate to be about 1/3 finished, and trying to shop that around, however that is done. I also plan on recording two songs with a friend of mine, and possibly shooting a video for one of them. I also have written several short stories and the first 4-5 episodes of a serial (other than Granite Countertop). I’ve written about 20 songs for a J-rock visual kei opera based on Shinto mythology set in modern times. I’ve got to say, though, the immediate satisfaction of writing, publishing and getting feedback from a blog post is pretty hard to beat, so many, many more posts will be coming in the future. I might do one of those user-generated content sites.
Plus, there’s that secret project I’m working on, that I will reveal to everyone in, say, a few weeks? Or however long it takes me to do it.
You can follow Edward’s blog HERE
He also has merchandise for sale HERE
I can tell you this is one fan that’ll be rockin’ a Hotspur tee shortly. Be warned, they’re only for the truly “awesome.” No posers or Yankees fans allowed (well, maybe Yankees fans. But you pay extra).
My Secret Admirer – Sixteen
It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did not have a winner, so click the trophy for a timely post.
Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
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Dear Gombe:
I can’t believe we’re finally going to be together! I’m so glad I could help you out for just a few dollars. It’s amazing how much war and strife there is, and how much money is just sitting there in bank accounts! But it’s not about the money, it’s about love. And I think we have it. I want to get to know you better, of course, but I think we could spend the rest of our lives together!
Let me know when you’re coming out, or if anything goes wrong and you need some more money.
Peace and Smiles,
Chad
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Dear Chad,
Thank you, my beloved, for your generous donation of American dollars to my giraffe rehabilitation fund. As you know, the giraffes of my homeland suffer great indignities such as having to strain their necks to eat directly from trees and enduring scorching sunburns. For only a few thousand extra dollars you, Chad, can help fund a program that trains monkeys to remove leaves for the giraffes and therefore cut down on neck rehabilitation. The monies saved on giraffe physical therapy will be put to good use in our new Giraffe Sunblock factory; a factory that for a few extra thousand American dollars will display your name proudly.
Thank you Chad, for your generosity. I shall be in touch!
- Gombe
CLICK THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:
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Happy Birthday Megan!
Tomorrow is a no ordinary day; it’s a Verynormal day for our birthday girl, Megan! I really wanted to make your birthday special for you Megan, so I decided to throw you a party that was entirely British themed. First, I thought to send an invitation to Harry Potter.
But I changed my mind when I heard that Snape and Voldemort had plans to crash it.
Next I thought I’d invite Chris Martin and have him write you a birthday song.
But since he’s both a tool and a douchebag I decided to go sporty instead and invited…
David Beckham.
Sadly, Gingersnaap wouldn’t let him out of her basement. Thinking I’d go younger, I invited…
Robert Pattinson.
Unfortunately, Simon Pegg mistook him for a zombie and shot him.
After doing nothing right, I decided to make myself happy by going to Scotland for..
GERARD BUTLER
GUH…..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGAN!!!!!
Love Letters Gone Wrong – Sixteen
It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who clicked “Liked” on the GO HERE NOW post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.
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Dear Gombe:
I can’t believe we’re finally going to be together! I’m so glad I could help you out for just a few dollars. It’s amazing how much war and strife there is, and how much money is just sitting there in bank accounts! But it’s not about the money, it’s about love. And I think we have it. I want to get to know you better, of course, but I think we could spend the rest of our lives together!
Let me know when you’re coming out, or if anything goes wrong and you need some more money.
Peace and Smiles,
Chad
Perfect Storm of Suckness
God help me I suck.
Since I’ve only got a few hours to get some writing done before I go back to work you’d think I’d be more productive. But no, I had to give into my baser instincts and troll the internet looking for various forms of stimuli. I know what you’re thinking and no, it’s not porn; it’s this little ditty that you all will be cursing me about for the rest of the day when you can’t get it out of your head.
Then there’s this website that I cannot get myself to click off of. Seriously, there’s a tab open to it as I type this. It’s called AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS and I am addicted. I hope no one was looking forward to GOA Book Two because…yeah.
Hawaiian SPaM
Break out the Sex Wax and Longboards because today’s featured SPaM is blogworld’s own personal Moondoggie. When he’s not waxing poetic about Harry Potter in Limerick form he’s listening to music or hanging ten down in NYC.
Make way for the very handsome…EL GUAPO!!!!
The interview was conducted with me wearing this shirt. And nothing else.
Interview’s Music: Ravel’s Bolero…
**** 1. Where does your love of music come from?
IrishPaul, Other Paul, Big Mike.
Irish Paul knows the entire discographies of some of the most obscure bands on earth.
OtherPaul listens to a lot of techno and industrial, that isn’t really my thing, but there are some gems in there.
Big Mike is an encyclopedia of classic and Southern rock.
Once went to a concert with Big Mike and IrishPaul. They got into a conversation that was like sitting in on a master class of music appreciation.
Because of them, I got to appreciate a lot of stuff you won’t hear on classic rock stations.
And now there is very little I won’t listen to.
As an aside – if you’re going to travel to see a show with IrishPaul, budget twice the drinking money you though t you needed, and at least one extra recovery day.
**** 2. Name four songs that you’d include in a soundtrack of your life.
This song is next to impossible to answer. The songs change from moment to moment.
But I would include
Eric Clapton: Layla – It’s the primal scream of rock n roll
They Might Be Giants: Birdhouse in your soul. It’s the song for me and my girl.
John Coltrane: Favorite Things. If this doesn’t move you, you’re already dead.
Jimmy Buffett:: Landfall. It’s a great song, and has the line “If I had it all to do over again/I’d just get myself drunk and I’d jump right back in.
But seriously, as soon as I hit send, the answers will change.
**** 3. Does living in NYC affect your surfing?
The best part of being a surfer with a board living in NYC is the conversations I’ve struck up at 7am with passersby when I’m trapping the board to the roof.
And driving through neighborhoods where no one has ever heard of surfing with a board strapped to my car.
**** 4. Which one of your “toys” is your favorite and why?
My Takamine Jasmine acoustic cutaway guitar.
I was telling my girl (the most wonderful girl in the universe) that I would love a cutaway, but couldn’t justify spending the money on it.
So she went out and bought me one. And the sound of it with light strings is perfect!
**** 5. Best and worst concert ever.
Worst is easy. The only concert I ever walked out on was Damien Rice.
He told great stories between the songs, but the songs were too depressing.
Then he starts singing about his Eskimo friend.
And 3000 hipster yuppies start holding up their lighters and chanting.
My girl and I looked at each other, then ran out before we exploded with laughter.
Pretty sure we’d have been lynched if we did it in our seats…
This is kind of a cop-out, but best concert is any of them when the act is into what they’re doing, and brings the crowd along.
As opposed to Blues Traveller, who were really into what they were doing, which was mostly jerking each other off.
An example of a fun show – Hootie and The Blowfish, years ago in a 500 person SRO room. during the world series. They’re a great pop-rock bar band.
Every so often one of them would wander offstage, and come back with a bottle of SoCo to share with the band, and the updated score. I think if no one showed up for that gig, they’d have played anyway and had just as good a time.
**** 6. Dead musician you’d resurrect.
Toss up between Miles Davis and Jimi Hendrix.
If they played together, I would commit Class A felonies to get a ticket to that.
But since I’m just resurrecting willy-nilly, throw Mel Blanc in there too.
What? He sang “Barber of Seville” as Elmer Fudd. That’s gotta be worth something.
**** 7. How long does it take for you to come up with your limericks?
There’s no rhyme or reason to the limericks.
The first one was for The Fountainhead, in response to a conversation on twitter. That just appeared, whole.
The one for your book (http://guapola.wordpress.com/2011/12/28/a-literary-limerick-gods-of-asphalt/) was hard, because I wanted it to actually work.
Fortunately, I don’t use vast parts of my brain, so once I figure out what it should say, I just let it stew around in the mental abscesses until something fits.
(I can’t believe you want to know about the limericks)
**** 8. You mention activities like skydiving, hangliding and scuba diving. Is there anything you won’t do?
Ice Climbing. Seriously, those guys are way off the crazy scale.
In a bad way.
**** 9. Where do you come up with the idea for Friday Foolishness?
The first poll I ever did was titled “A Poll For Y’Oll”. (http://guapola.wordpress.com/2011/10/28/), which (believe it or not) was not the most inane poll ever.
In the post, I said I thought it might be fun to have a theme, and call it Friday Foolishness.
The comments (both of them) were very supportive.
But how I come up with each poll? I swear to you, I have no idea.
Usually, if there’s something going on in the world, I’ll say to my girl, hey, how about this.
Then I’ll just bounce ideas off her until I get the right expression of appalled. That’s when I know I’ve hit my mark.
About the foolishness, I’ve gotten a few comments that people look forward to them, but the best was one on a Friday at 7 am, before the post went up, from Kayjai that said
“Uh, hello?? It’s Friday??? Have you forgotten the foolishness?? *sigh* Okay…I’ll wait………………………………………………………………………………..”
One of the best comments ever.
**** 10. Every music lovin’ surfer needs an epic automobile. Your dream car is….?
1964 ½ flat black convertible standard transmission Mustang.
Sorry, was I supposed to think about that for a minute?
Oh, and I’d upgrade the stereo from stock.
For more fun in the sun follow EL GUAPO
For your own featured SPaM contact me at heellisgoa@gmail.com
My Secret Admirer – Fifteen
It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did not have a winner, so click the trophy for a really out there post. I have no idea what I was thinking.
Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
CLICK THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:
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It’s the Easter Bunn–uh…Wallaby?
Spring has finally sprung, and with it our interview with everyone’s childhood favorite, the Easter Bunny.
Determined to get an interview with this elusive holiday icon, I cornered him in his underground den and discovered something I’d not expected. I open today’s interview with the question that should have been asked ages ago:
HE: Say…you aren’t really a bunny, are you?
EB: Well Maybe it is time to come clean, if you wanna call me a Bunny go ahead but being a Bunny is not very useful when you deliver eggs is it! I am a Wallaby, you see, I can put all the eggs in my pouch and then I don’t have to go back and forth with my basket. I am all about convenience, you know what I mean.
HE: What made you decide to color and hide eggs?
EB: Shots. In my College years (I did not do much studying) my friends and I enjoyed colorful shots. So I now pick colors by having a shot, coloring an egg, different coloured shot, and different colored eggs. The hiding part is a long story about my friend and his … well it’s a long story.
HE: How do you feel about children eating chocolate likenesses of you?
EB: As we have just been through, I am not a Bunny, never will be because it will never be practical! So the Kiddywinks can eat as many chocolate bunnies as they please.
HE: How do you feel about sharing a holiday with Jesus?
EB: My mum once told me that story, I did not really understand it, and I mean it’s a bit gloomy for a Holiday all about the Kids, you know? Plus to me, chocolate crosses would be awful to make and color, all that blood and gore is for Halloween, not my holiday.
HE: Is there more than one Easter Bunny?
HE: Did you want to be an Easter Bunny when you were a kid…uh, a joey?
EB: No, as I have said I went to College, I just didn’t do well, this was my fall back, I wanted to be a Football Mascot but I do not think there is much call for a Wallaby, maybe if I was a Dolphin or A Ram! I mean have you ever heard of a Wallaby before today?! Do you even know what I look like?!
HE: What do you do when you aren’t hiding eggs?
EB: Nothing, I drink, I try and think of new ideas for next year but with 5 joeys at home and one on the way, thinking does not happen a lot.
Thank you, Easter Bun–Wallaby, for this timely and insightful interview. Return April 22nd as we celebrate Earth Day with none other that Gaia herself!
Love Letters Gone Wrong – Fifteen
It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.
This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who “Liked” the Shwarama SPaM post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.
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I Prank You Not
In recognition of April Fool’s Day I scored a rare opportunity to sit down with the God of Mischief, Loki.
HE: “Hello Loki. Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to speak with me and my readers.”
LOKI: “Hi.”
HE: “Uh, that’s it? ‘Hi?’”
LOKI: “Well, I’ve got a lot on my plate. You do realize what day this is, right? Nice fucking time management there, Chickie.”
HE: *looking at the calendar* “Well, since it’s April Fool’s Day I am going to assume you are joking.”
LOKI: “You would think so, wouldn’t you?”
HE: “I am guessing that April Fool’s Day is the busiest day of the year for you.”
LOKI: “No, that’d be Valentine’s Day. People say a lot of shit they don’t mean which makes for a lot of lies to distribute. Especially to the men folk.”
HE: “That’s just sad.”
LOKI: “I’ll tell you what’s sad, having a God like Odin as your step-father. Growing up I never did anything right.”
HE: “On that note, tell us about your childhood.”
LOKI: “What’s there to tell? I was always in trouble since my dickhead brother Thor is a cock-blocking douchebag. I got him back good by convincing Odin that his perfect son wasn’t worthy of living in Asgard so he kicked him out. Now I got the big bedroom.”
HE: “Holy crap! How did you manage that?”
LOKI: “Let’s just say I hid some of our Mother’s more “intimate apparel” in his sock drawer. You do the math.”
HE: “It seems pranking and lying started at an early age. Have any of your lies ever backfired on you?”
LOKI: *laughs maniacally* “No, but the truth sure has.”
HE: “Alright, you’ve GOT to elaborate on that.”
LOKI: “Well, my mouth gets me into trouble, you see. One Thanksgiving I got ripped on Jager and told my whole family off, including my two ex-wives. Every word I spoke was the truth, but it didn’t change the fact I had to transform into a fish and hide in a river to get away from them. Shoulda just stuck to lying.”
HE: “You are known world wide for your practical jokes and pranks. Which prank do you consider your masterpiece?”
LOKI: “Pranks change with the times. I had a blast fucking with the Druids by stacking a bunch of rocks for no reason and then there were those IT virgins who blew their wads worrying about Y2K. That one was a double bonus because it also got the Military’s panties in a bunch sweating random nuclear missile launches. But I’d have to say that the best has yet to come.”
HE: “Come on, give us a hint.”
LOKI: “Uh…I’ll just say to keep a watch out for December 21, 2012.”
HE: “Are all the pranks you do so grand or do you work on a more personal level with the public?”
LOKI: “At times I like to dabble in the everyday, like when one sock goes missing or when you ‘accidently’ hit Reply All on that email where you trash your boss. But remember, I still have to make a living. Right now I am the major shareholder in Pfizer, a pharmaceutical company that manufactures a little, blue pill.”
HE: “Are there any pranks you regret?”
LOKI: “Non-Alcoholic beer and Star Trek. Never thought anyone would take that shit seriously.”
HE: “What is the one thing you would like the world to know about Loki?”
LOKI: “That I am everywhere. I am a shape shifter, after all. That woman you meet in the bar that is too good to be true? She probably is. Just sayin’.”
Return April 7th for our exclusive interview with The Easter Bunny!!!
