(insert pithy rejoinder here)

Shit My Kid Does – Four

My real world life is such a circus that at times I find it hard to believe it’s not really some pre-scripted reality show set to make higher powers roar with laughter. Don’t believe me? Well here’s an example:

OPENING SCENE:

A family of five strolls down the fairway of carnival. The smell of fried dough and the musical stylings of a local garage band permeate the warm night air. In the lead is youngest daughter BabyGirl, holding a rainbow flashing scepter and donning a white fringed cowboy hat won for her by her father. Following closely is oldest son Prince Charming, angst-ridden, attempting his best Edward Cullen impression. Last in line is middle child, Junior. All are walking at a leisurely pace through the crowd until…

ENTER THE CATALYST:

Suddenly, to the horror of the parents, the first few notes of Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline pour out of the large speakers framing the stage behind them. Both adults catch each others gaze, knowing full well what’s to come.

As if in a reoccurring nightmare that they are powerless to stop, mother and father turn slowly to look at Junior who himself is staring at Prince Charming, his eyes wild with evil contemplation. In slow motion the father reaches out for Junior as the mother shouts, “NOOO!”

But it is too late.

Charging forward, Junior snatches BabyGirl’s hat off her head, places it on his own and begins to dance, bump and grind style against the side of his much older, much larger brother’s leg. The howls of laughter from passers-by do not deter Junior, and this brave soldier pushes on, committed to the cause, straight on until the phrase, “touching me, touching you..”

SCENE TWO:

Location: The local Funeral Home….

26 responses

  1. There is an observation I could make about this event, but I think you’ve already suffered enough.

    Like

    June 4, 2012 at 1:24 am

    • Oh I am sure Junior will put me through plenty more in the future.

      Like

      June 4, 2012 at 10:01 am

    • Deep thinking – adds a new diiomsnen to it all.

      Like

      April 24, 2014 at 1:16 pm

  2. I can’t help but laugh because my mind works like juniors does (must be a middlechild thing ;) ) although if I did what he did I think I would be arrested for … Yes ok. Ahahaha I LOVE the line doing his best Edward Cullen impression.

    Like

    June 4, 2012 at 4:29 am

    • Yes, middle children are a nightmare!

      Like

      June 4, 2012 at 10:02 am

      • Anonymous

        And we enjoy every moment of it ;)

        Like

        June 4, 2012 at 10:06 am

      • I don’t get the logic behind this middle child thing…… Clearly I turned out mentally stable.
        .
        .
        .
        Ok maybe not the best argument but stop trashing on middle children :-/ .

        Like

        June 5, 2012 at 8:14 am

  3. How can any self-respecting Sox fan find horror in Sweet Caroline?

    Like

    June 4, 2012 at 9:55 am

    • That’s the problem – my kids are Sox fans who know that song so well they can beat each other bloody in time with the chorus.

      Like

      June 4, 2012 at 10:03 am

  4. He is gonna marry one of my girls, right?

    Like

    June 4, 2012 at 10:22 am

  5. Sweet! Then they’ll get married and have kids and everyone will say how they have the two hottest Grandmas!

    Like

    June 4, 2012 at 10:54 am

    • Damn straight they will! Cougar Grandmas with grand-cougars that bite everyone! Or get bitten by everyone. Or not.

      Like

      June 4, 2012 at 11:14 am

  6. Sweet Caroline. I haven’t heard that one in years! Some of the memories it brings back though, are maybe best forgotten by others involved.

    Like

    June 4, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    • That’s how I feel about every Steve Miller Band song ever recorded.

      Like

      June 4, 2012 at 5:17 pm

  7. If I recall correctly, the singer had a hard time finishing the song without messing up because he was laughing to hard at JR being chased by charming and turning just to grind one more time. Before returning to running for his life.
    Good times had by all.

    Like

    June 4, 2012 at 7:46 pm

  8. So good, so good, so good!

    Like

    June 5, 2012 at 1:45 am

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