(insert pithy rejoinder here)

The Tortoise and O’Hare

Today we have an offering from the Great White North in the form of a fable told by the illustrious Archon’s Den. Here is his take on the classic fable The Tortoise and the Hare!

THE TORTOISE AND O’HARE

by Archon,

Once upon a time, just outside New Haven, Conn., a  little rabbit was born.  His parents  lovingly called him Bunny, though, as he got older he felt he outgrew that  name.  Bunny was very smart.  He worked and studied hard at school and  got great marks.  Bunny wanted to  make something of himself, so with outstanding SAT scores, he applied to  Yale.

His parents paid for his education with bags of plump,  juicy carrots that they saved up over the years, and the occasional sack of  beets.  Bunny applied himself and  graduated from the Business Management course with flying colors.

He told his parents that he was going to get a job as a  financial advisor, and hopped his way down to New York City.  After waving his diploma under a few  noses, he got himself hired by no less than Merrill Lynch.  Here, he insisted on celebrating his  Irish Rabbit heritage, and began going by the name Seamus O’Hare.

While all this was occurring, just south of the border  in Mexico, there was a young turtle named Diego Tortuga trying to follow the  same path.  His parents traded  mescal to pay to have him attend a decent community college.  At least it was a real school, rather  than just one of those diploma mills.

When he graduated with marks as good as O’Hare’s, he  kissed his mother and father goodbye….verrryy sloowwlyy, and floated across  the Rio Grande.  Then he managed to  hitch-hike his way all the way to New York with a trucker, hauling back a semi,  loaded with Corona beer.  With great  good fortune, he also managed to obtain a position with Merrill Lynch, and began  working in the same division as O’Hare, who was immediately dismissive of  him.

O’Hare was a high energy broker, often leaping at new  investments without doing enough research.  He made money for his clients, and for himself, but was often distracted,  by a new girlfriend or a car-show at the Gardens.  He made fun of Tortuga’s slow, plodding,  but steadily productive methods of money management.

One day, after Diego had defended his careful planning,  Seamus O’Hare suggested a “race.”  The first one within a year to achieve a personal worth of $1,000,000,  would receive another ten thousand dollars from the loser.  Tortuga accepted the challenge, and the Race was on.

Shortly afterwards, the firm was joined by a Chinese  weasel, named Wun Raht Gai, educated in Beijing.  As he ensconced himself within the firm,  and learned of the competition between the two youngsters, his was disdainful of  them.  “Silly amateurs.” he  said.

Time passed, and the competition proceeded, with the  fortunes of both Tortuga and O’Hare increasing, Diego’s steadily, and Seamus’ by  leaps and bounds.  One day,  unbeknownst to each other, they both received a letter from Wun Raht Gai,  offering to help them cross the one million dollar finish line.

Tortuga’s letter said that the Chinese weasel had got  wind of a new process to remove Melamine from baby food.  O’Hare’s letter told of a new system to  get the lead out of children’s toys.  If they would just invest a quarter million dollars with him, he would  double it for them within thirty days.

Wun Raht Gai’s letters also said that he didn’t want  these investment opportunities to be overheard at the office, so they should  each bring the funds in cash to his apartment, to ensure privacy.

No-one seems to know exactly what happened to O’Hare,  and Diego the tortoise.  They each  just stopped coming to work at Merrill Lynch.  The Chinese weasel prospered in their  absence, taking over part of each of their *books*.  He moved into a beautiful penthouse  apartment.  There were some rumors  of him throwing a banquet and soiree for potential investors, where the featured  dishes were rabbit stew and turtle soup.

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12 responses

  1. Sick, twisted and awesome.

    October 11, 2012 at 11:55 am

  2. I’m just guessing, but is the moral here that enemies are delicious?

    October 11, 2012 at 1:47 pm

  3. I’m pretty sure the Chinese recycle all their toxic waste into products made for sale in the U. S. If the tortoise and the hare had known that, they’d be alive today.

    October 12, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    • I blame Nixon.

      October 14, 2012 at 12:37 pm

      • trailertrashdeluxe

        :)

        October 14, 2012 at 3:04 pm

  4. So cool…

    October 14, 2012 at 9:30 am

    • Of course it is. Archon’s from Canada.

      October 14, 2012 at 12:37 pm

  5. I see a conspiracy here! great take on the old tail…I mean tale

    October 15, 2012 at 1:55 pm

  6. Haha, that’s terrific!

    October 19, 2012 at 7:58 pm

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