(insert pithy rejoinder here)

Edward Hotspur and the Rainbow Pissing Unicorns

rainbowunicornHELP!!!

Is there someone out there?

Can anybody read this?

It’s me, Hellis, texting from deep inside a crawlspace under a house somewhere in Ohio. I don’t know how long I’ve been here or even how I got here. All I know for sure is that Edward Hotspur is not who or what you think he is. He’s something else entirely; something…evil.

My battery is dying and I am growing weaker by the moment so I have decided to use my last blog post to tell the tale of what happened to me, hoping others might avoid the same cruel fate.

It all started a year ago when I asked Edward Hotspur what his attraction to rainbow pissing unicorns was. I mean, there were pics of them all over his blog, so surely they had meaning to him, right? Yeah, well, my curiosity was my first mistake.

He answered innocently enough, stating that this was merely an expression of his quirky sense of humor. I told him I found the pictures humorous as well, and thus began our friendship. It wasn’t long before we were trading emails of pics we’d find on the net, each one more absurd than the one that came before.

ruwallThen came that fateful day when EH would invite me to his home to see his collection of Rainbow Pissing Unicorn figurines. I knew Ohio was far away, but come on people, how could I resist? I mean, who has a collection of Rainbow Pissing Unicorns? Am I right?

Once in Ohio he showed me around his “lair” decorated from floor to ceiling with Rainbow Pissing Unicorn figurines, all hand-crafted from what he described as “bone” china. After viewing his collection he offered me tea which I drank willingly. Soon I felt light-headed and queasy, and the world began to spin in one giant, rainbow swirl. The next thing I knew I woke up here, in a crawlspace, with only a view of his lair through a tiny gap in the floorboards above my head.

Wait…I hear him coming. I can just make out him setting a giant pot of water to boil. Damn, he’s moved out of sight…I can still hear him though…singing to himself as he…he…sharpens something….

OH…

MY…

GOD…

CLICK BELOW TO SAVE ME OR

7879423

tbar

CLICK TO START FROM THE BEGINNING…

7879423

28 responses

  1. yourothermotherhere

    Imaginative! Different! Great graphics!

    January 9, 2013 at 8:21 am

  2. I’ll save you!

    January 9, 2013 at 9:00 am

  3. Pingback: Edward Hotspur And The Erotic Haze Turning Interstellar Nether Regions Japanese | sandylikebeach

  4. Pingback: Edward Hotspur and the Birthday Wishes | Guapola

  5. I’d ofer to save you, but sounds like that Hotspur character is pretty scary.
    Besides, I already have my own collection of figurines.

    Happy birthday, Hotspur!
    Hope you have fun.

    January 9, 2013 at 10:07 am

    • God…Rainbow Pissing Unicorn figurines. Can you just imagine?

      January 9, 2013 at 8:41 pm

      • I bet Hotspur will have a picture of one tomorrow…

        January 9, 2013 at 10:12 pm

  6. A fine tribute to Hotspur. I’d no idea as to this collection’s extent. Actually, fucking figure(ine)s.
    So sorry to hear about your imminent death though :(

    January 9, 2013 at 11:38 am

    • I suppose there are worse fates then ending up a bone-crafted figure on Hotsur’s mantle. I mean, I could have ended up as Salma Hayek’s pizza.

      Hehehe…

      January 9, 2013 at 8:43 pm

  7. He likes the unicorns because in a sense, he is doing to all of us what that unicorn is doing to that wall… and he thinks that particular unicorn has a nice ass… just sayin’…

    January 9, 2013 at 11:57 am

  8. Great post Hellis! Nice tribute to the awesome (& scary) Hotspur

    January 9, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    • Thanks, Benze! I like to think there is a little Edward Hotspur in all of us.

      Go on and reply, EH. You know you want to.

      January 9, 2013 at 8:45 pm

  9. I knew it!!! That Hotspur is a scary, scary man. Great tribute.

    January 9, 2013 at 4:03 pm

  10. I knew there was something…I guess f this was tv someone would save you.. hey wait..someone should save you! isn;t there some worm hole or something? a switch? He has to have one somewhere.. well keep looking there is always a wormhole or something I swear I read it on his blog…

    January 9, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    • I think Rainbow colored urine is what is responsible for the formation of wormholes so I am shit out of luck.

      January 9, 2013 at 8:46 pm

  11. I’m not scary! I’m awesomesauce. But you know who’s awesomeersauce? Hellis! So thank you Hellis for this post and doing all this stuff for me and my birthday and stuff. This is all overwhelming and I’m so happy and tears of joy and stuff. Thanks!

    January 9, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    • It was my pleasure, EH. You are the awesomesauciest!

      January 9, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    • It puts the unicorn pee on the skin…

      January 9, 2013 at 11:34 pm

      • That’s actually good for your skin.

        January 10, 2013 at 10:12 pm

      • Do you have ANY idea of the cost? Dear god I’d kill a fattie for that lotion.
        Oh wait. Ummmm need to lose weight.
        SFLFM: Size 14 wants to give you some skin

        January 10, 2013 at 10:19 pm

        • If the skin can be used as a rag, I’ll trade you to wipe the soda I spewed on my screen when reading that.

          January 10, 2013 at 10:42 pm

  12. Pingback: Edward Hotspur and the Best Birthday Present Ever | sparklebumpsthebookwhore

  13. Rainbow-pissing Unicorns.

    Fuck.

    There goes the whole damned evening. THIS is what it’s about, now.

    January 11, 2013 at 7:34 pm

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