Interview with the King of the Leprechauns
You seem angry, Fergus. Can you tell us why?
Because of today, that’s why. We Leprechauns spend every Saint Paddy’s Day in hiding.
But I would have thought you’d be happy on Saint Patrick’s Day. Isn’t it an Irish holiday?
Saint Patrick can kiss my arse. His holiday has nuttin’ to do with Leprechauns or the Irish. It has to do with him bein’ chuffed and converting pagans to Christians. Patty boy can take his church and stuff it.
Does that mean you’d be in favor of your own holiday?
Jesus, Mary and Joseph no – we Leprechauns wish to be left alone. Every year it’s the same thing; tourists come from all around to visit Ireland to steal our gold. The worst are the Italians. Nuttin’ but a bunch of sausage stuffing pasta eaters.
Alright now, that’s enough about the Italians.
Ahh…why is that lass? Do you be one of ’em?
Well, if you must know yes; I am Italian as well as Irish.
Ahh…the Saints have mercy on ya’. I was in love with an Irish/Italian girl once. Her name was Erin Go Braughless. A milkmaid, dontcha know. She had the strongest hands in the county. Why I remember once I stood on a stool and then she-
That’s quite enough of that. What’s the hardest thing about being a Leprechaun?
Aye, I’d have to say visiting America. The children chase us through the streets for our Lucky Charms. In Ireland, lucky charms are me wee bits, not a breakfast cereal.
Wow, I can see why you’d be angry. What is the one thing you’d like the world to know about Leprechauns?
That our shoe size is no indicator of our grand–
AND that concludes our interview with Fergus O’Malley, King of the Leprechauns. Return April 1st for our exclusive interview with Loki, the God of mischief.