(insert pithy rejoinder here)

About H.E. Ellis

Writer of questionable talent seeks readership with an appreciation for the fine art of mocking. Interests include candlelight dinners, long walks on the beach, and Abe Vigoda. Must love New England.

Author of REAPERS WITH ISSUES and THE GODS OF ASPHALT series.

 

Contact H.E. Ellis at heellisgoa (@) gmail (dot) com

256 responses

  1. Layla

    I dig you. I can already tell.

    August 25, 2011 at 12:46 am

    • That’s because you have good taste.

      September 18, 2012 at 7:04 pm

  2. Terrific ‘Somebody shoot me’. Just creating my website and really got some fantastic ideas from you. Like your site and your writing

    August 29, 2011 at 9:46 am

    • Thanks! Moms are always good for a laugh.

      September 18, 2012 at 7:05 pm

  3. ellielawson

    fantastic blog…

    September 5, 2011 at 6:59 am

    • ellielawson

      how was I not following you until now???? And how did I miss the part about you being a published author???? Respect! Envy! Awe! So glad I looked deeper in all those other places! All I have left to do now is get a copy of your book and I can be all fan like and stalkerish : ) lucky you!

      October 2, 2011 at 12:13 pm

      • ellielawson

        Oh yeah I vaguely remember something about a story, but I guess I wasn’t paying much attention beyond how similar our mothers sounded… Seriously so cool Hellis (I may as well call you that too) so cool.

        October 2, 2011 at 12:15 pm

        • Yes, Hellis is pretty cool. I owe that particular bon mots to the great Edward Hotspur.

          September 18, 2012 at 7:06 pm

  4. I love it when you use the word Boner in your book ahaha Makes me laugh every time!

    September 5, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    • Oh my gosh … It just said I posted that at 2:17pm … Here its 9:17pm! sorry for that revelation, I just wanted to point out the time difference… this is Megan reporting from the future ahaha!

      September 5, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    • Oddly enough my mother did NOT approve. That must be why I prefer to write YA. I guess I’m the oppositional fifteen year-old my mother still thinks I am.

      September 5, 2011 at 2:23 pm

      • Just tell her your number one fan (from the future ahaha) approves :P Am cute and close to fifteen, she gotta love me ahaha

        September 5, 2011 at 2:49 pm

  5. I’m not the one who’s so far away. *wink*

    September 9, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    • FINALLY!! SOMEBODY GETS IT!!!

      September 9, 2011 at 8:19 pm

  6. Though Sully is awake because of you, ironically it’s Edward and/or Jacob who would be coming back again.

    September 11, 2011 at 1:11 pm

  7. TheIdiotSpeaketh

    I like someone who says it like it is! :)

    September 17, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    • As do I! Hang in there, buddy!

      September 18, 2012 at 7:07 pm

  8. I just got chastised for suggesting Chuck Palahniuk as supplementary reading for Ralp Waldo Emerson. But I’m doing my part to get more to read him. Fighting the power, raging against machines, etc.

    And that “milkshakes” line totally got me.

    September 18, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    • I want an award for learning to spell his name without consulting the Google.

      September 18, 2012 at 7:07 pm

  9. To congratulate you for being yourself – and for not being Jodi Picoult – I have nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award. Details here: http://wp.me/p1hWXY-6f

    September 20, 2011 at 6:06 am

  10. You’re funny (^.^) .I’m subscribing.

    September 20, 2011 at 7:28 am

  11. Amen to Chuck Palhniuk! If I ever see Nicholas Sparks on the street, there WILL be blood!

    September 24, 2011 at 6:46 am

    • Oh, I’m so gonna like you.

      September 24, 2011 at 11:56 am

  12. kat

    68 Chevy? Awesome! What color, what engine?
    Love your blog.

    September 24, 2011 at 10:52 am

    • It was a God awful toothpaste green/blue but I painted it black. I suppose if I want to resell it I’ll have to repaint it, but since I plan to be buried in it I’m not too concerned. It’s only got a stock 307 but the numbers match so I kept it. I’d love to put a double barrel Holly on it but since I only get about 13 miles to the gallon as it is I figured I better not fuck with it. I discovered at one point that it must have been used for drag racing because it’s got aftermarket leaf springs and I’m fairly certain someone bore out the motor based on the sound it makes when it goes into kick down. Other than that it’s awesome.

      September 24, 2011 at 12:01 pm

      • Can I be in charge of the burial stuff? I did my daughter’s hamster (went well, I cried, she didn’t, now she’s breakin’ hearts round town) and I look good in a black suit.

        Now, about those MoPar leaf springs on the back…

        August 21, 2012 at 7:04 pm

        • I need to be careful how well I supe up the car, so I may have to yard the springs out. I nearly wrapped it around a tree last summer because the flex from all the torque yanked the wheel free of my hands. Sadly, I have wimpy wrists.

          August 23, 2012 at 6:05 pm

          • It sounds like a wonderful beast! You are quite right to keep hold of it, wimpy wrists or not…

            August 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

  13. Cool blog !!!!!!!

    September 25, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    • It’s not much, but I call it home.

      September 18, 2012 at 7:09 pm

  14. Even though you’ve already gotten a VBA, I always look forward to reading your blog, and in that spirit I nominated you for another Versatile Blogger Award. I enjoy your writing and want even more people to share the experience.

    Details are in my post at http://wp.me/p1EiAO-cf Following the award guidelines, the post includes the other nominees that I feel are a must read and a little bit about their blogs. At the end of the post are the instructions for picking up your award and a graphic suitable for framing, if you have a teeny tiny frame. I’ve also updated my blogroll with your blog.

    Note: As an extra bonus, there’s a picture of me in the post when I was a Catholic Altar Boy. It’s a convenient wallet sized photo ready to print and carry as a constant reminder of how life can go oh so horribly wrong.

    September 26, 2011 at 11:17 am

    • Somewhere there is a pic of me in my communion dress with grass stains on my knees. My uber Italian Catholic mother was soooo proud.

      September 18, 2012 at 7:10 pm

  15. my new fav!!!

    September 26, 2011 at 6:25 pm

  16. I nominated you for Versatile Blogger Award :)

    September 29, 2011 at 11:35 am

    • I’ve nominated you right back!

      September 18, 2012 at 7:11 pm

  17. Because you were programmed into being a Catholic, does not mean you can not do what many millions of other religous people have done and this is to become a FORMER believer!

    September 29, 2011 at 11:59 pm

    • I think there’s a post you need to see…

      September 18, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    • Enninhtegilg the world, one helpful article at a time.

      April 24, 2014 at 9:04 pm

  18. I’ve nominated you for a versatile blogger award :) .

    September 30, 2011 at 3:10 pm

  19. Thanks for liking my blog at http://www.deborahowen.wordpress.com. We look forward to seeing your contest entry. :-) Happy day! Deb

    October 2, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    • And a very merry Monday to you!

      September 18, 2012 at 7:12 pm

  20. TheIdiotSpeaketh

    http://redriverpak.wordpress.com/2011/10/05/award-time/

    Congrats!

    October 5, 2011 at 10:53 am

  21. savorthefolly

    14. She’s just jealous
    15. I TOTALLY relate!

    October 10, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    • 14. Time and my blog are beginning to prove her wrong.
      15. Glad I’m not alone!

      October 10, 2011 at 4:42 pm

  22. hahahah i love the milkshake comment!

    October 12, 2011 at 9:56 am

    • Thanks! I have my moments.

      September 18, 2012 at 7:13 pm

  23. I nominated you to partake in a writing challenge I was given by Felicity-Zara Stewart http://verynormal.wordpress.com/2011/10/16/challenge-writing-is-like-%E2%80%A6/.

    October 16, 2011 at 1:03 pm

  24. Thanks for thinking of me. I left a comment that exposed my innermost thoughts. I feel revealed. lol Drop by http://www.creativewritinginstitute.com for a visit. We sponsor cancer patients in writing therapy courses and are presently piloting a writing program for the blind.

    Beginners Writing Contest is in progress until Oct. 20. See guidelines on site. Cash prize or free writing course! Deb Owen

    October 16, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    • CASH PRIZE? I’m there!

      September 18, 2012 at 7:15 pm

      • I have been so beilederwd in the past but now it all makes sense!

        April 24, 2014 at 5:26 pm

  25. Hey, Friend! I had to nominate you for Versatile Blogger, even though I know you already got it. XOXO

    October 25, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    • I could always use more XOXO and maybe a few !@##$$%%^^

      September 18, 2012 at 7:16 pm

  26. Even though I think you’ve already had it, I’ve awarded you the versatile blogger award. It would have been rude of me not to! :)

    October 29, 2011 at 10:09 am

    • You are very sweet, and a tribute to your proper British compatriots. :)

      October 29, 2011 at 10:14 am

  27. I love your blog! Very funny, which is always the most important blogging quality.

    November 19, 2011 at 7:24 am

  28. Ms. Ellis-

    How do you select blogs for your “SPAM” posts? Is it simply a personal selection, or are there criteria?

    November 21, 2011 at 11:21 pm

    • No criteria at all. Anyone who’d like to showcase their blog is welcome. If it’s something you’re interested in I’d be happy to send you an email with a some questions, and if there is something you’d like to feature like writing, just let me know!

      heellisgoa@gmail.com

      November 22, 2011 at 12:13 am

    • Got it! Thanks a lot again for henpilg me out!

      April 25, 2014 at 1:32 am

  29. Just dropped as it seems every blog I visit lately has you on their blog roll. I now see why. Nicely done.

    November 21, 2011 at 11:35 pm

    • Thanks!

      November 22, 2011 at 12:10 am

      • Initllegence and simplicity – easy to understand how you think.

        April 24, 2014 at 6:31 pm

  30. Ms. Ellis,

    I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to respond; I sometimes drive a municipal snow plow, and this storm had me tied up for longer than I thought it would.

    I’d love to be featured, if you’re willing. I’ll send you an E-mail momentarily.

    Thanks!

    November 25, 2011 at 3:17 am

  31. Awesome.

    December 3, 2011 at 5:55 pm

  32. Hi there!

    Thanks so much for your visit and “like!” I appreciate you stopping by and I love your honesty in your “about!” Although, iI’ll be honest in return and tell you that I love Nicholas Sparks! :)
    I look forward to reading your work! Thanks again!

    December 4, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    • I will admit…there was one book I read that I enjoyed about a woman who gets a dog after her husband dies. I was surprised/shocked/horrified to find out that it was written by Nicholas Sparks. I think my distaste for all things romantic has more to do with my anti-Sparks sentiment than anything having to do with the man himself. Read on!

      December 4, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    • If anyone had a lot of time on their hands, then it would be very instreeting to do a ton of research on just exactly which Italians were hounded by the FDR gubmint.I have a theory about these things – a theory which can never seem to make it past Komment Kontrol – but it’s very similar to the “Which Chrysler Dealerships were Closed?” controversy.And my theory goes a very, very long way towards explaining the Obama administration’s support for the islamist Muslim brotherhood movements in Egypt and Syria.

      October 5, 2013 at 11:16 am

  33. oneunknownauthor

    Ms. Ellis, thanks for a great site that often leaves me laughing. Seriously – you have no idea.

    December 13, 2011 at 12:09 am

  34. Mona Lisa

    I nominated you for a Versatile Blogger Award because I absolutely love your writing! Check it out here… http://monalisareflections.wordpress.com/2011/12/31/versatile-blogger-award/ Happy New Year!

    December 31, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    • Thanks! Have a Happy New Year!

      December 31, 2011 at 9:36 pm

  35. You know who you are…. Hope it’s a good one.

    January 14, 2012 at 10:41 pm

    • I. HAVE. NO. WORDS.
      You are BEYOND the best, Hotspur. :)

      January 14, 2012 at 10:42 pm

  36. Happy Birthday to my adhd sister from another Mister. You Rock :o)

    January 15, 2012 at 10:37 am

    • Thanks!! I am enjoying a Ritalin-free day today. I find I write better when I’m off it and writing is all I plan to do today. That’s why it’s gonna be a good day!

      January 15, 2012 at 10:40 am

      • I bow down to your bravery- I am not allowed to have a Ritalin free da anymore- I think that is how I landed in jail ;o0

        January 15, 2012 at 10:59 am

        • I clear it with HR before I go off my meds. The last thing we need is for both of us in the “zone” at the same time. Cops frown on kids bailing parents out of jail. Generally, it’s me climbing mountains or welding handtrucks and him in handcuffs. Writing has been the best outlet for all my mind typhooning.

          January 15, 2012 at 11:04 am

      • This article acviehed exactly what I wanted it to achieve.

        April 24, 2014 at 2:33 pm

  37. Hello, I’ve nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award.
    It’s one of the awards with rules, but there’s no need to follow any of them. I just wanted to say thank you for posting :)
    You can visit my blog to read it.

    January 27, 2012 at 5:20 am

    • I did go to your blog and it is awesome. I’ll be back.

      February 1, 2012 at 12:55 pm

  38. Imogen Shepard

    Hey H.E. Just letting you know……….I have given you an award called the:

    7 x 7 Link Award

    You seriously deserve it! You can only give out 7 and for the rest on how it works, it’s under my post heading “Yay! I have been given an award!”.

    have a happy day! :-D

    January 28, 2012 at 3:38 am

    • Thanks! Have a happy day too!

      February 1, 2012 at 12:55 pm

  39. I can’t believe it took me this long to find your site! Books, humor and the New England Patriots. Heaven.

    February 1, 2012 at 10:48 am

    • I love your blog too! I’ll be back!

      February 1, 2012 at 12:56 pm

  40. With apologies, I ‘re blogged’ you Blues Name post. I looked around and did not see any way to contact you. Also, It was the first reblog I have ever done so I wasn’t quite sure what it was or how it works. I did offer you credit as the source. I enjoy your blogs and the humor in general! Thanks you…

    February 1, 2012 at 9:24 pm

    • My email is heellisgoa (at) gmail (dot) com. Contact me whenever!

      September 18, 2012 at 7:17 pm

  41. Pingback: Glitter E. Yaynus Award Winner! | bestbathroombooks

  42. Pingback: Another Award? You Shouldn’t Have! « Ohmygawd, just do what I say!

  43. you’ve been tagged on my blog!! http://thedailywoman.wordpress.com/2012/02/23/tag-youre-it/
    If you choose this mission your life will remain exactly the same…

    February 23, 2012 at 9:10 pm

  44. I have invited you into the tag game, for more detail have a look at this …. http://verynormal.wordpress.com/2012/02/24/the-tag-game/

    February 24, 2012 at 4:48 am

    • More tags! Yay!

      September 18, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    • Incnlligeete and simplicity – easy to understand how you think.

      April 24, 2014 at 3:48 pm

  45. Hey, I’ve tagged you on this chainmail-sort-of-thing for blogs . Go to my blog to check it out :D :http://rantonit.wordpress.com/2012/02/24/tagged/

    February 24, 2012 at 8:30 am

  46. Pingback: Hell Yes, H.E. Ellis! The Book Review and Interview by bestbathroombooks.com | bestbathroombooks

  47. Hey, I got here thanks to Rantonit, but OH MY GOD. From reading your About Me, right now, I honestly picture a badass mother, literally. I am definitely subscribing! :D

    And I will definitely agree, Team Sully Erna FTW.
    And as per your most recent post, I am a fan of Iron and Wine too!

    February 29, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    • Thanks! Rantonit is the best. I’m dropping by your blog now. :)

      February 29, 2012 at 1:04 pm

  48. Great just friggin great. I find this place and now you leave.
    I will only say this once, I have arrived so you had better return soon.
    That came out to strong, Please oh please come back soon.
    That way just sounded sucky.
    how about.. Hey come on back.
    Yea, I think that will do it.

    March 7, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    • That’s a cunning answer to a chngaelling question

      April 24, 2014 at 10:40 pm

  49. bobhelfst

    Awesome self-introduction. Eager to see what else you have hiding on this blog!

    April 20, 2012 at 10:34 pm

  50. Anyone who describes their writing as having “three times the word ‘boner'” is all right with me.

    May 5, 2012 at 12:12 pm

  51. I am just here because a guy named Ed said it was your birthday, and I wanted to say congrats, and because Ed seems to think that he is you, or rather that you are him, and if either one of you really is him, then maybe you both are. If you see what I mean… and if you really are you and not him… But even if you are… him, I mean, then I am sure you will make a better him than he does. In which case, you might as well let him be you, just to cut down on the confusion. And besides, if you are both of you, and he is both of you, then it seems to me that there must be four of you, so who are the other two?
    Anyway, happy bithday to all of you. I hope you all get a really big cake.

    August 2, 2012 at 11:32 pm

    • Yes, EH and I are freakishly alike, so much so that there is actually a blog mythos about us. First, there’s the whole “EH” and “HE” thing. Then there’s the fact that we have similar blog voices- similar in all the ways that a New England metalhead and a Midwestern intellectual can sound alike. And ask yourself this question, have you ever seen Edward Hotspur and H.E. Ellis in the same place at the same time? Yeah, didn’t think so.

      But because you were kind enough to drop by my blog and comment, I am going to reveal the truth about the EH/HE urban legend once and for all.

      I am…Edward Hotspur’s vestigial twin.

      There. I’ve said it.

      August 23, 2012 at 6:12 pm

      • So are you like crammed inside him by his spleen or something?

        August 23, 2012 at 7:39 pm

        • I am his vestigial penis.

          August 23, 2012 at 7:49 pm

          • So does he have two, then, or just the one vestigial one?

            August 23, 2012 at 9:33 pm

            • He had two- you know, a regular one and then me. But we were separated at birth and only found each other later in life.

              It’s an odd story really, much like the tales you hear of where twins are raised separately but live parallel lives and develop similar personalities. I, much like EH, live in a place where I am surrounded by assholes. We spout off unexpectedly when stroked or rise to the occasion when necessary. Most people think we are dicks, but they’re wrong.

              August 23, 2012 at 10:27 pm

              • Wait, when you say you are surrounded by assholes, you mean that in the sense that there a multiple assholes and they are all around you in close proximity, right? You aren’t each actually ‘surrounded’ by an asshole, because there is only one way that can happen.
                I guess my point is that you can be surrounded by water while standing on an island, or you can be surrounded by water when you are swimming in it, if you see what I mean. I would just like some clarification. Not that there is anything wrong with that either way…

                August 23, 2012 at 10:38 pm

                • EH is surrounded by assholes in an island sense and I find myself at times surrounded by assholes in a “swimmer” sense. What can I say? Writing is poor man’s career and I need to pay the bills.

                  August 23, 2012 at 10:44 pm

                  • We all have to do what we all have to do.
                    But it is like a wise man once said; Just because your boss says he wants to try you out in a new position doesn’t mean you are getting a raise or a promotion. Oh wait, that was me that said that. I take back the wise man part.

                    August 23, 2012 at 10:51 pm

                    • From Wikipedia: “Since the 1990s, the term “cutlarul Marxism” has been widely used by cutlarul conservatives. Many conservatives have argued that “Cultural Marxists” and the Frankfurt School helped spark the counterculture social movements of the 1960s as part of a continuing plan of transferring Marxist subversion into cutlarul terms in the form of Freudo-Marxism.Since the early 1990s, paleoconservatives such as Patrick Buchanan and William S. Lind have argued that “Cultural Marxism” is a dominant strain of thought within the American left, and associate it with a philosophy to destroy Western civilization. Buchanan has asserted that the Frankfurt School commandeered the American mass media, and used this cartel to infect the minds of Americans.[8]Lind argues that,”Political Correctness is cutlarul Marxism. It is Marxism translated from economic into cutlarul terms. It is an effort that goes back not to the 1960s and the hippies and the peace movement, but back to World War I. If we compare the basic tenets of Political Correctness with classical Marxism the parallels are very obvious.”Marxism is Jewish Ideology. Political Correctness is Jewish Ideology. Jews are natural Nihilists and so their participation is naturaly caustic. The Caustic character of the 60s shows its Jewish Character!!! End of story. The Weathermen were led by Jews, The Civil Rights was led by Jews, the movie industry was influenced by Jews, the educational establishement was led and influenced by Jews. It’s all Jewish! Every single bit. The Sixties was Jewish inspired and led!

                      October 5, 2013 at 7:26 am

                    • What the heck?

                      October 5, 2013 at 10:57 am

                    • Your articles are for when it absolutely, positively, needs to be understood overnight.

                      November 18, 2013 at 12:28 pm

                    • ha!

                      November 18, 2013 at 1:44 pm

                    • It’s about time someone wrote about this.

                      November 25, 2013 at 5:02 am

                    • Yeah… someone…

                      November 25, 2013 at 9:21 am

            • I think you’ve just captured the answer pelceftry

              April 24, 2014 at 8:39 pm

  52. Just found your blog! I really like what I’ve read so far. It’s just great that you’ve been published and accomplished so much. I only hope I can aspire to be like you :)

    August 13, 2012 at 8:47 am

    • You are too kind! I’ll be checking your blog out as well. One of the things I look to do on my blog is showcase other authors, so as soon as I get freed up from my latest project (sometime around October) I’d be happy to do a feature blog post on you and your writing.

      August 13, 2012 at 5:07 pm

      • That’d be absolutely awesome :)

        August 13, 2012 at 5:17 pm

  53. Anybody who hates Clapton is cool with me. And how ’bout a ’72 Chevelle SS 396? Huh? How ’bout that?

    August 22, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    • How about marry me?

      Never mind. It’ll just end in a messy divorce with me getting the car anyway. Here’s an idea; why don’t we skip the formalities and you can just sign it over to me now?

      August 23, 2012 at 6:01 pm

      • This in’gthiss just the way to kick life into this debate.

        April 24, 2014 at 12:08 pm

  54. Just wanted to stop by and say thanks for liking my little bit of fun. Interesting place you have here.

    August 23, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    • I feel the need to inform you that you may need a Tetanus shot before visiting further.

      August 23, 2012 at 5:59 pm

  55. Pingback: And The Super Secret Project Is… « H.E. ELLIS

  56. Pingback: Announcing Our First Book! | TomEliasWriter

  57. Yeah, started checking out the weirdness and decided I would need my own key, so, following.

    August 25, 2012 at 8:07 am

    • *wrings hands* Welcome to the darkside. Go here to request a personalized gravestone from The Grim Reaper. Don’t worry, I’ll put in a good word for you. Grim and I go way back.

      August 25, 2012 at 8:16 am

      • Pshaw! I work in an inner city school. Bring it.

        August 25, 2012 at 8:22 am

        • Soulmate! When I’m not writing I’m a school bus driver!

          August 25, 2012 at 8:28 am

          • I defer to your superior endurance. I would not last a week driving bus in our district.

            August 25, 2012 at 9:44 am

            • Luckily for me I drive in a community of good-natured New Englanders where all the kids are merely rowdy.

              August 25, 2012 at 9:56 am

              • Could you please download an employment application from your district for me?

                August 25, 2012 at 10:03 am

                • Haha! Go here and start at the bottom. By the time you reach the top you’ll change your mind. :)

                  August 25, 2012 at 10:07 am

                  • I am afraid to follow your link, as I think that it might take me to some site administered by the Grim Reaper. Who is also an administrator where I work.

                    August 25, 2012 at 12:02 pm

                  • That’s the best answer by far! Thanks for couiirbnttng.

                    April 25, 2014 at 12:33 am

                  • You’ve captured this perfectly. Thanks for taking the time!

                    June 20, 2014 at 6:48 am

                • Taking the overview, this post is first class

                  November 18, 2013 at 12:28 pm

          • Kudos to you! I hadn’t thuhgot of that!

            April 24, 2014 at 12:13 pm

  58. Heya, thought I should let you know I’ven ominatd y for the Daisy Award http://anyonething.wordpress.com/2012/08/29/daisy-award/

    August 29, 2012 at 6:07 am

    • Thanks! I’ve been reading your posts, especially the Potter-centric ones. Good stuff!

      September 1, 2012 at 5:08 pm

  59. Pingback: Reapers With Issues Urgently For Sale! | Reapers With Issues

  60. Pingback: REAPERS WITH ISSUES « H.E. ELLIS

  61. http://edwardhotspur.wordpress.com/2012/09/01/twit-skyblogger-award/
    I gave you the Twit Skyblogger Award.

    September 1, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    • “Twit” Skyblogger Award, huh? Does this have to do with how ubertastic my offerings on Twitter are? Is it because I can shortlink better than most bloggers out there? Or is it because of my witty and clever twat? I’ve been told I’ve got the best twat around. I like offering my twat for all to see. Only forty or so people have signed on to take a look at my twat, but I figure if I keep putting more and more of my twat out there I should really get the ball rolling!

      Wow, that reply sucked ass.

      Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I posted the sentence, “That sucks ass,” on my mother’s new blog and she edited it out! This from the woman who once typed my street address into the address bar atop her web browser! She actually had the computer savvy to go in and edit that one sentence out of a comment I made.

      When I asked her why she took it out she said, and I quote, “I wouldn’t want the Blessed Mother to read what you wrote.” Apparently the Virgin Mary follows my mother’s blog. A blog, by the way, that is written almost entirely in broken English. This is my life.

      September 1, 2012 at 5:18 pm

      • Your twat is just dripping with ideas.

        Completely unrelated, you gonna let everyone visit your mom’s blog?

        September 1, 2012 at 6:04 pm

      • Fuck! Spamity smap smap smap.

        Anyway, your twat is just dripping with ideas. Your twat has plenty of room for more posts!

        Completely unrelated, are you going to let us visit your mother’s blog?

        September 1, 2012 at 6:06 pm

  62. Well, I like you! :D

    September 19, 2012 at 2:47 pm

  63. Le Clown

    H.E. Ellis,
    I should have stopped by your About page before… I have been corrected by my illustrious friend, Madame Weebles, about who you actually were…
    Le Clown: I like him, he’s funny…
    Madame Weebles: Him? H.E. Ellis is a woman, dude. You’re such a wanker.
    Le Clown: Fuck.
    Le Clown

    September 22, 2012 at 6:29 pm

  64. Guess who?

    I remember you.

    November 3, 2012 at 8:33 pm

  65. Hi. How’s it going? Good I hope.

    December 15, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    • It’s going crappy. I’ll send you a note.

      December 16, 2012 at 1:05 am

      • Ehrma Gehrd! It’s your 29th birthday! I’m so happy! I’m also happy I got to celebrate your 28th last year! Happy Birthday, Nice Lady!

        January 15, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    • A proavcotive insight! Just what we need!

      April 24, 2014 at 9:58 am

  66. Pingback: Iconic Interviews – The Book! « H.E. ELLIS

  67. I really want to give you a virtual high five right now! Much respect for you.

    January 9, 2013 at 11:23 am

  68. Pingback: Happy Birthday To…. H.E. Ellis! | Edward Hotspur

  69. I’m glad I followed the link from Hotspur. I’m going to enjoy this ride!! Oh, and if he is correct…happy birthday!!

    January 15, 2013 at 7:29 am

    • He is correct! Thank you!

      January 15, 2013 at 8:19 am

    • That’s not just logic. That’s really sensible.

      November 28, 2013 at 2:23 am

  70. Happy birthday! Yet another Capricorn blogging birthday, so many these last couple of weeks. We Rule

    January 15, 2013 at 7:51 am

    • You’re a Capricorn too? Let me know when your birthday is so that I may embarass you thoroughly.

      January 15, 2013 at 8:24 am

      • There have been about 5 I follow in the last week, mine is on Thursday, I had so many plans but I’ll likely be spending it at a funeral. Luckily we still drink at our funerals so the outcome will be the same!

        January 15, 2013 at 10:25 am

        • I never thought I’d say this but…have fun at the funeral.

          Honestly, my condolences on your loss. When you are done grieving, make time for a Happy Birthday for yourself. Life’s too short not to.

          January 15, 2013 at 7:21 pm

          • Thanks, it’s now a week after my birthday is i can get some celebrating in before drowning our sorrows, though turning 37 may be an excuse to drown sorrows anyway

            January 16, 2013 at 6:45 am

      • More posts of this quality. Not the usual c***, please

        December 4, 2013 at 10:08 am

  71. Pingback: An Iconic Birthday! (Bigger than Arbor Day, Even!) | Guapola

  72. Pingback: How I Love A Hellis, The Happy Birthday Edition! | OhMyGawd, Just Do What I Say!

  73. Happy birthday!!!!

    January 15, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    • Why thank you, my new weird and wonderful friend!

      Love the gravatar pic, btw.

      January 15, 2013 at 7:22 pm

      • You got weird and wonderful out of my two word comment? My, you are quite astute.

        January 15, 2013 at 7:42 pm

  74. Kim

    HAPPY MO-FO BIRTHDAY!!!!

    January 15, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    • And a big f’in thank you to you too! :)

      January 15, 2013 at 7:23 pm

  75. Just popped in to say Happy Birthday! :)

    January 15, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    • Thank you for stopping by and signing the guest book! You are more than welcome to return and stay a while.

      January 15, 2013 at 7:24 pm

  76. Happy Birthday! Hope it’s the best one ever!

    January 15, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    • It already is. Thanks for sharing it with me.

      January 15, 2013 at 7:25 pm

  77. All my blog friends are talking about you so I had to come by and check your shit out. I like it, and now I have another book to read! Happy birthday! See you around!
    Red

    January 15, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    • Thanks, Red. I can already tell you’re my kinda people.

      January 15, 2013 at 7:25 pm

  78. I just started reading The Gods of Asphalt and love it already. Your style is great!! Can’t wait to delve into the rest of it!

    February 1, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    • Thank you, Poly. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this today.

      February 1, 2013 at 5:50 pm

      • I saw your Twitter comment. They must be complete assholes!! Write on, Hellis…..I’ll be lined up to buy all your books.

        February 1, 2013 at 5:52 pm

  79. Getting into the meat of the book and I love it. It flows really well and I love the characters!! What else do you have for me to read when I’m finished??

    February 9, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    • Thanks! I am glad you like it.

      As far as something else there is always REAPERS WITH ISSUES, but that one is non-erotic adult. I was working on GOA2 before my computer fried. Hopefully I will get back to it soon.

      February 9, 2013 at 8:31 pm

  80. If I sign up to Team Sully Erna, will I have to become a warlock? Cos either way, you’ve got my vote! I think his lyrics would make truly excellent t-shirt slogans – “Oh God, I’m making the same mistakes” or “Maybe You Should Think Before You Speak”. Also, my love for Dethklok grows greater every day, since Metalocalypse is not on Netflix, I’m going to have to hunt it down elsewhere and very quickly too.

    February 15, 2013 at 6:58 am

    • I have a Godsmack t-shirt that says, “Whatever.” :)

      I too am disappointed that Metalocalypse isn’t on Netflix. My entire writing career can be summed up with the sentence, “H.E. Ellis writes novelized versions of what you’d watch on Adult Swim.”

      Now, if I could only write a book that makes me laugh as much as this does:

      February 15, 2013 at 4:07 pm

      • Now I really want all seasons of Metalocalypse more than ever! And your GOA book too, I’ve never had a sentence that’s got me jonesing more than what you just said – my Kindle will be saying hello real soon. Also, love the Cupid interview, a refreshing take on the theme.

        February 15, 2013 at 5:39 pm

        • Thanks! I would suggest starting with REAPERS WITH ISSUES first. GOA is like walking around a Midwestern biker rally while Skynyrd plays in the background. REAPERS is just altogether wrong. If you go here I’ll send you a free copy:

          http://www.wristsaroundtheworld.com

          February 15, 2013 at 7:33 pm

          • Just been there, liked/followed the page and gone with Package B – I’ll take Gods of Asphalt as an Ebook but promise to read the Reaper jobber first when I get it!

            February 16, 2013 at 3:09 pm

            • Sweet! Watch your WordPress email. Hitting send now. :)

              February 16, 2013 at 3:35 pm

              • Fantastic – thank you. What a lovely idea to link your books with this cause, very admirable.

                February 16, 2013 at 4:09 pm

                • Aw, thanks. It weren’t nothin’. I like to chalk it up to my good family name. ;)

                  February 16, 2013 at 4:41 pm

              • Absolutely first rate and cobdmr-pottoeep, gentlemen!

                April 24, 2014 at 10:23 am

          • There are no words to describe how bodacious this is.

            November 28, 2013 at 2:26 am

  81. Wow! You are an accomplished writer with great writing skills! I could learn a lot from you! I hope you visit, critique, and give some helpful advice! Congratulations on your great blog!

    http://terrytreks.wordpress.com/about-2/

    February 18, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    • Thanks! I am lucky enough to be surrounded and inspired by other great writers out there in blogworld. I’m glad to meet another one!

      February 19, 2013 at 4:21 am

    • That’s a posting full of inhigst!

      April 24, 2014 at 3:18 pm

  82. Holy Hell-is…..I am losing sleep because I can’t seem to put GOA down. I love the story line and the characters are fantastic…..you really found such a great way to make them so real. I’ll be said when I’m finished. When does the follow up book come out?? :D

    February 19, 2013 at 7:43 am

    • Well I was going to put it off for a bit, but now I am thinking I need to get moving. Thanks so much for reading!

      February 19, 2013 at 7:52 am

  83. I’m sad to say I finished GOA….Love, love, loved it!! Can’t wait until you finish the next one!!

    February 20, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    • I am so glad you liked it! I’ll be working on GOA2 all next week since it’s school vacation here and I only have to work part-time.

      I was wondering if you might do a quick review of GOA1 for me and upload it to Amazon. I am trying to get my work out there. It wouldn’t have to be more than a sentence or two, just enough to say you liked it. Every little bit helps.

      Thanks again for reading! You totally made my day. :)

      February 20, 2013 at 5:46 pm

      • I will absolutely do that and post it on here as well. I really did think it was great and will miss those characters. :)

        February 20, 2013 at 6:00 pm

      • I just put it on Amazon….awaiting approval, of course, but I’m also going to put it on my blog tomorrow with a couple of other reviews of blogger’s books (Hotspur included). Looking forward to the next one!!

        February 20, 2013 at 7:26 pm

        • I’ll be in good company. Thanks!

          February 20, 2013 at 8:04 pm

  84. Pingback: Death Comes to New England | Reapers With Issues

  85. Pingback: Death Comes to New England | H.E. ELLIS

  86. Donna Cowden

    Haha…great “About Me.” Thought I’d pay you a visit. I found my way here via one of your likes on Magpie Comics. Thanks for visiting me too! Have an awesome weekend.

    August 2, 2013 at 11:58 am

    • Love Magpie Comics! Thanks for dropping by!

      August 2, 2013 at 7:35 pm

  87. Pingback: On Tributes | A Frank Angle

  88. Thanks for your comments, great to hear from soenome who has had the pleasure of visiting Amboseli. It is a personal goal of mine to work with elephants and meeting all the staff and Elephants at Amboseli would be incredible. Who knows maybe I’ll get the honour of being part of the team one day! Thanks againVictoria

    October 6, 2013 at 1:21 am

  89. I have missed you… don’t know where you went… but I would like to use your quote about the first sci-fi novel on the back cover of the second one, if I may.

    November 20, 2013 at 11:42 am

    • Use away! I’ve been working at my day job (blah) but I am slowly getting back to blogging and writing where I belong.

      November 25, 2013 at 5:16 am

      • I miss you… I got my first kid’s book published with original paintings…. and the second sci-fi book is coming soon.

        November 25, 2013 at 9:21 am

        • Aww…I miss you too. And I cannot WAIT to read your kid’s book!

          You are really taking off in the writing world and I think it is just amazing. You surely deserve it. Just don’t forget all us little guys when you make it big!

          November 25, 2013 at 2:32 pm

  90. Your About reminded me so much of mine I burst out laughing.

    Been reading back through your work and its quite excellent. I have been blogging for over a year now and am hopefully working my way towards being published. My blogs can be found here –

    http://thethingsiseeuphere.com/

    and here

    http://literaryexcercises.wordpress.com/

    Please feel free to check them out if you have a free minute. I would appreciate any direction or advice you could give

    Cheers

    December 7, 2013 at 9:14 pm

  91. Pingback: Bigotry Sucks | BrainRants

  92. Hi. It’s Valentine’s Day, 2014. Be my valentine? Sorry, but I love you.

    February 14, 2014 at 3:04 am

    • Well how can I say no to that? ;)

      February 14, 2014 at 3:54 am

  93. What great thoughts for an About. I feel like I can say anything (well almost anything – I’d never be mean), here and you can say anything and maybe between all the words everyone is saying books will be written… I look forward to reading onward…
    AnnMarie

    March 29, 2014 at 8:24 pm

    • I am slowly making my way back toward Blogworld, and am glad you stopped by! I think we’ll get along, seeing as I am 4’11 and 1/4″ tall. Every tall person needs a short friend. ;)

      March 29, 2014 at 8:37 pm

      • I have no complaints with short people – I was one once one too ;-)
        I think we’ll get along just fine. Nice to meet you – I’m AnnMarie

        March 29, 2014 at 8:39 pm

  94. I have a friend who started a website that is meant to promote authors. She promotes them for a week for free. Anyway, I thought of you because I thought you would be a great author for her to interview and she would buy and review your book as well. Check it out because I just did a blog about her. http://hastywords.wordpress.com/2014/06/03/connecting-you-to-them/

    June 3, 2014 at 10:06 am

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