Even though I’ve been taking a break from SPaM in order to write the REAPERS WITH ISSUES series, I had to come back today in order to introduce to you all someone truly special. For those of you out there who may not know, there is a rockin’ chick among us who is somewhat new to blogworld. I’ll let her About Me page speak for itself:
Essa Alroc is an Orlando, Florida based freelance writer who published works include “The Blurb About Freshness on the Back of Your Deodorant” and “Understanding Your Utah 529 Plan”. When she’s not at work, fantasizing about setting her cubicle on fire, she is working on her first full length novel. It is not about deodorant or financial aid plans.
1. Your writing style is edgy, to say the least. What influences do you attribute to forming your particular writing style?
I was born and raised on heavy sarcasm and using humor in the place of emotions. My life’s motto is if your going to bitch about something, at least make it funny. That way people will actually listen. When I was growing up, I was an overweight kid with bad teeth, who wore my brothers hand me downs. If it wasn’t for my incredible ability to hurt someone’s feelings, I would have made one hell of a target. Luckily for me, the weight came off, the teeth got fixed with braces, but I never lost the ability to come up with some seriously scathing commentary. I also still wear my brothers hand me downs.
2. You live and write in Florida. How does living in the south influence what you write?
Florida both fascinates and horrifies me. I have a theory that something to do with the heat makes the people here crazy and violent. What I like about this state is that things that would be ridiculous anywhere else seem normal in Florida. I draw on a lot of my experiences here for both my fiction and non fiction work and I never seem to run out of things I write about it. What I dislike about Florida is all the rapes and murders…and lack of Jack in the Boxes. I miss their curly fries.
3. Your page MAKE ME YOUR BITCH speaks to your ability to write for hire. How does writing for someone else’s project differ from writing your own, and what can someone expect in the way of services?
My first love is humor writing, but in today’s market, it’s not a viable career option. Luckily, thanks to the plethora of jobs I’ve had, I’m able to write about a large range of subjects and still make them readable (and g-rated). My goal when I’m writing someone’s page is to get them SEO hits and at the same time, give value to the reader who was searching for their page in the first place. When someone types a query into a search engine, they’re not looking to get sold something. They’re looking for an answer to their question. My goal is to answer that question and still make my clients page come out on top. At the same time, I have to keep it free of my personal opinion and four letter words. Sometimes it’s easy, like when I’m writing an article about medical marijuana. Sometimes, it’s impossible, like when I’m trying to come up with 10 things I like about Mitt Romney. Number 1 was his hair.
4. Tell us about STRANGELY SOBER.
Strangely Sober was a novel born of frustration. Frankly, I was tired of reading about unworldly heroines who need the hero to show them how things are done. I’m not like that, and I don’t think most women are like that. Having a vagina doesn’t make me a bumbling, clumsy, insecure mess who can’t handle life on her own. I’ve lived a full life and I think a lot of people have. I created my protagonist, Angelica Salvatori, AKA Sal, because of that. She drinks too much. She smokes too much. She lives everyday like zombie apocalypse is right around the corner. She adapts and re adjusts as necessary. Personally, I think that’s what life is all about.
5. Tell us about ASYMMETRIC ANGELS.
I wrote Asymmetric because I didn’t feel ready to let go of Sal. There were some loose ends to tie up from the first novel and I didn’t think her story was over yet. Asymmetric has been a challenge to write, because it’s got some strong religions undertones in it, despite the fact that I am not remotely religious. It’s a sequel to my first novel and its where my heroine, Sal, tries to create a shaky opinion on faith and at the same time, tries to adapt to a world that is constantly changing for her. Asymmetric is a novel about getting to know yourself. It also has explosions, a high body count and a recurring Gary Busey hallucination. Can’t disappoint my readers while I’m trying to be artsy.
6. How does blogging effect writing, if at all?
Blogging is a release for me. Its entertainment writing in its highest form. I don’t use my webpage in my portfolio, because it’s my hobby. I don’t allow marketing on it, and even my own marketing blurb for my business is kind of a joke. I don’t want my readers distracted by ads. I want them to laugh. I don’t censor myself and I don’t want to do that for a sponsor. All my blogs are born out of an everyday experience that can be made ridiculous using the right words. The world is a ridiculous place, and the ability to laugh at that ridiculousness makes us powerful. I laugh at the Westborough Baptist Church, the economic crisis and child prostitution because I understand the power of humor. I go by the lessons I’ve learned from George Carlin and Richard Prior. ANY topic can be made funny when given the right delivery. That approach makes me fearless in my writing.
7. What have you learned most from writing your novel?
Be prepared for change. When I originally wrote ‘Strangely’, it was called ‘Unforgettable’ and it was written about a schoolteacher with eidetic memory. Two days before I released it, NBC released a show called “Unforgettable”, about a cop with eidetic memory. Instead of releasing it anyway, or trashing the whole series, I adapted it, changed it, until it was a completely different novel. Now, I’m glad that happened, because ‘Strangely” is about 10000 times better than what it was originally.
8. What advice would you give other would-be novelists?
Put your novel away for 6 weeks after you finish it and then read it again. It’s like being a first time reader. Maybe you realize your novel is, in fact, genius. Maybe you realize its crap. Maybe NBC puts out yet another shitty crime drama show and you have to start all over. Either way, you’ll be glad you did it.
9. Who are your favorite authors?
I love Jacqueline Susann, because she made trash literary genius. Read “Valley of the Dolls” closely and you realize that Neely O’Hara is Scarlett O’Hara. I love Piers Anthony because he makes sci-fi/fantasy a commentary on politics that hasn’t been met since Orwell’s “1984”. Finally, I love Tim Dorsey because he writes about Florida with tongue in cheek humor that delivers both admiration and disdain for this wild and crazy state. If Serge Storms were real, I would totally be stalking him.
10. Where do you see your next project taking you?
Well, the final book in the bar series, Gio’s Gift, is already breaking my heart because I’m murdering off a character I’ve grown very attached too. After I’ve uncurled myself from my sobbing emo ball, I’ll be working on something I’m calling the Dark/Light series, which I’m hoping comes to par with some of Anthony’s more political novels. It will be my first foray into science fiction and is loosely based on Nietzsche assertion that God is dead. Personally, I don’t think God is dead. I think he’s a sandwich artist at Subway…at least, he will be in my book. I hope eventually to make enough from my humor and fiction projects to focus on them full time. I think as long as I keep typing away and putting my best literary foot forward, it will happen.
Or I’ll wind up a sandwich artist at Subway.
GET A FREE DIGITAL COPY OF STRANGELY SOBER TODAY ONLY BY CLICKING BELOW:
TODAY IS THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF MY BLOG! TO COMMEMORATE THIS AUSPICIOUS OCCASION I HAVE DECIDED TO RERUN MY VERY FIRST BLOG POST.
PLEASE TO ENJOY…
So yeah, I wrote a book.
I must have been high when I wrote it because there’s no other explanation I can give for my 120,000 word upper YA novel where the only noun I used more than “boner” was “blood.” It goes without saying that I’m self-published. I didn’t even try to submit it traditionally. Can you just imagine the poor agent who gets my query letter?
“My novel, THE GODS OF ASPHALT is complete at 120,000 words and is the first in a series of five books that for some reason I’ve decided to write out-of-order. Each one is told from the point of view of a teenage male protagonist who has exactly zero supernatural powers (unless you consider perpetual erections a superpower). Oh, and it also has Spanish subtitles.”
On the good side, if you’re like me and are just a little too into music, motorcycles and all around badassery this is the book for you. If you’re not, I’m sure Jodi Picoult’s got a blog somewhere. You can find the opening to chapter one at the top of the page under the tab GOA REVIEWS and you can find my book on line at:
*** I AM STILL BEING HELD CAPTIVE BY NINJAS- SO THIS WEEK’S SPAM IS A REBLOG OF OUR GOOD FRIEND AND PLAYER RONNIE FROM THE LIBRA CHRONICLES ***
Take one part modern-day bachelor, two parts savvy player, add a splash of Cointreau and you get THE LIBRA CHRONICLES; an unapologetic blog that asks the question, “Can a blog really make it when the writer does not try to make a blog that targets special key words, certain audiences, weight loss or fitness or celebrities or some certain NICHE?”
I didn’t know the answer to that question when I first stumbled onto Ronnie Libra’s blog, but all it took was one look at his tag cloud filled with words like SEDUCTION, KEY WEST and POLYSOMNOGRAPHY to know that I wouldn’t be bored finding out.
*** So Ronnie, you describe your blog in your WHAT IS ALL THIS INSOLENCE page as an “experiment” in finding your target audience without the use of buzz words. Has your experiment revealed the results of who your target audience is?
I bet, like my mind, my target will be “Kid in a Candy Shop.” Or more appropriately, “Ronnie in a Bar.” So many flavors, why just settle for the same one all the time?
*** In your page THE SEDUCTION CHRONICLES you include stories that you describe as including the “rawness and reality” of seduction. What motivated you to include these stories?
Hundreds of posts on private seduction forums. People who’ve read them always tell me they are very inspirational, so I figured, what the fuck…. I may as well share them with more people. If I can reach out to that one person who get’s inspired then kick ass! I have done my duty.
*** In addition to dating advice you have posts that focus on philosophy and inspiration. What has inspired you recently that you’d like readers to take away from your blog?
Momentum… Keep doing what you love… Make it happen. Fuck failure and fuck the outcome. Go for it anyway. Even if you are failing, keep going because the more steps you take towards your goals the better your momentum will be to take those steps. Be cool with failing, dammit. Penicillin was a mistake. OOOOHhhhh and some kick ass music, Music is my life. I recharge off of it. I have a giant history in my mind of music I love and I feel that, most of my life, every day can have a theme song.
*** Many of your posts include sometimes graphic descriptions of many of your sexual escapades. Do you find it difficult to share these experiences with your readers? And what do you hope you can pass on in the way of knowledge?
Not difficult at all. If you read the book, “My Secret Garden” by Nancy Friday, which is a book on REAL women’s fantasies, my reports become rated PG. ;) I’m trying to convey the process of Seduction with my writing. Later, I may delve more into the actual sexuality and passion as well, I’m sure I will.
Here’s what I want. I want people to be cool with seduction. It’s not some taboo shit. It’s everyday reality. It’s happening all around us. The girl that I just looked at, while thinking, that made eye contact and looked away. It’s natural.
I want that guy or that girl who sees that sexy motherfucker they want to meet to go do it. Go meet that person!
*** What would you like men to take away from your blog?
I haven’t really thought about this. Maybe inspiration. Maybe to get a little mad or inspired inside and say, “If this asshole can do this so can I!”
*** What would you like women to take away from your blog?
Women readers seem to be the main readers so far in my blog. I would almost want to ask them, “What do you hope to find here? or Why are you coming back? or even, “Let’s say my blog was your dirty little secret that no one would ever find out about. What would you want it to be like?”
*** What can we expect from THE LIBRA CHRONICLES in the future?
Utter Sexy Randomness. Chocolate, Vanilla, Strawberry and sometimes Chicken Fried Rice. Ya, it doesn’t have to make sense. And music. Lots and lots of music.
Follow Ronnie at THE LIBRA CHRONICLES
Have a blog, book or music to promote? Contact me for your own feature on SPaM at firstname.lastname@example.org
This seems really odd to say, but today is the birthday I assigned the character of Sawyer in my novel, The Gods of Asphalt. His birthday features prominently in the book so I thought I’d answer some questions I’ve been asked over the past year about his character.
1. Why did you pick April 30th for his birthday?
I knew from the beginning he would wreck a motorcycle on his birthday so I needed it to take place during warm weather– but before his high school graduation. Research revealed that Nebraska high schools let out the first weekend in May so there was my time crunch. I wanted the added insult of him screwing up his life the instant it became his to own. Besides, Sawyer shares his birthday with someone pretty awesome.
Sawyer is sort of a default name. In my real life there is a real River, although he is nothing like the River character (I based the River character on someone elses life entirely). I always knew that I would name the character of the blonde older brother River, so I had to think of a name that was in the same vein for the younger brother. Thus Sawyer was born, and not Steve.
3. Why is Sawyer so tall?
Sawyer is tall because it allows him to be good at basketball. Sawyer needed a way out of his father’s life so I gave him basketball because it offers scholarships as well as being the perfect sport for a kid who lives on the road. Football requires gear, baseball requires a team, track requires good weather but basketball can be played anywhere, anytime with anyone. All you need is a ball.
4. Why do you describe Sawyer looking the way you do?
My kids helped with this one. My son Junior HATES being called pretty when compared to his good-looking, blonde older brother Prince Charming. I described Sawyer to my daughter and she instantly pulled up a television show called BIG TIME RUSH and said, “I think you are describing this guy.” In that moment James Maslow became my vision for Sawyer. I even wrote a little snippet in my book for him. I’m my daughter’s hero for that.
5. Why is Sawyer’s jersey number 13?
Because number 13 belongs to Steve Nash, my all time favorite basketball player.
6. How come Sawyer can sing?
Because I can’t. No, seriously; basketball was what Sawyer was good at, but music was what he loved and what his mother robbed him of.
7. Does Sawyer ever get Sarah?
Seeing as I am neck deep in various writing projects, I’ve decided to start reblogging SPaM posts every other Monday. So take it away Edward Hotspur!
WELCOME TO…SPaM! (Shameless Promotion Monday)
I decided to take my fear of belief in Karma and offer my blog post on Mondays to someone who wants to be heard; be it writer, artist, musician, blogger, what have you. I hope to do this every Monday so if you or anyone you know is interested then shoot me an email at: email@example.com
First up is blogger extraordinaire….EDWARD HOTSPUR!
I’m not exactly sure when I first stumbled onto Edward’s blog, but I’m glad I did. He’s like that guy you see in movies everywhere that you don’t know the name of but it doesn’t stop you from pointing at the screen and shouting, “Hey! It’s that guy!” As time goes on you notice him more and more and then once he makes it big you shout to everyone how you knew he’d make it all along. Well, today I’m shouting…
Whether it’s taking a virtual car ride alongside him to work or listening to his Zagnut packed tales of Granite Countertop–Private Investigator; every moment spent on the Hotspur blog is an online wet dream dripping in awesome sauce. Now let’s hear from the man himself.
So Edward…what prompted you to create such an awesome blog?
There was this flashing thing which I believe is called a ‘cursor’, and it seemed to want me to do something. Actually, I think of random stuff all the time and wanted to incorporate this weird but good stuff in something, like the first guy who ate lobster. The digital voice recorder helped with that. For me, this blog is like my Twitter, except instead of having 160 characters I have 5000+ words. Also, I must be honest – I chopped down the cherry tr – no, wait, what I meant to say was I hoped to make money at it.
How did you come up with the character “Granite Countertop?”
I actually came up with it, or him, right on the spot, and the process of that appears in Scenes From A Morning Drive 15. Behind the scenes (see what I did there?), there was one more part of the process, and that is that I was really sick, and on some cold medication. The meds really took the filter off – yes, imagine me with no filter – and I just went with it. A part of me wants to never get better so I can keep writing all the things! But the part of me that is sore and tired of being sick knows that this happy place can’t last forever. I’ll have to find another one.
I know I’d love to see Granite Countertop published somehow. Is this something you’re considering or is he just for fun?
Granite Countertop practically writes itself, plus it’s really easy to clean. I just put a pen to some paper, and come back and things have been written down for me. It was just for fun, but some people seemed to like it/him. If there’s any way to make a little money at something that is really fun, I don’t see why I wouldn’t publish something, if I can figure out how. Some of you might think I’m a little obsessed with money, but I’m not. I’m obsessed with bling, and you need money for that. No, seriously, I have found that if I plan things out, really think about what I’m writing and outline where I want a blog post, flash fiction story or some other piece to go, it kind of sucks. Whereas if I just sit down and start writing, it sucks a little less. So you can see, doing less work results in a slightly less bad product. That’s efficiency, baby!
Name the three things you’re most known for:
Aside from inventing the wheel, I am known for a sarcastic dry sense of humor, an enormously huge penchant for the absurd, and a tendency to end a sentence with a word that you don’t avocado.
Name the three things most people don’t know about you:
Most people don’t know that I’m older than I look, that I’m very romantic, or that I’ve got this blog. Sigh.
If someone made a movie of your life, who’d play you?
A robot of me would play me. It’s the only way to properly capture all the nuances and shadows of my personage.
What more can we expect from Edward Hotspur in the future?
I plan on finishing the novel I have started, which I estimate to be about 1/3 finished, and trying to shop that around, however that is done. I also plan on recording two songs with a friend of mine, and possibly shooting a video for one of them. I also have written several short stories and the first 4-5 episodes of a serial (other than Granite Countertop). I’ve written about 20 songs for a J-rock visual kei opera based on Shinto mythology set in modern times. I’ve got to say, though, the immediate satisfaction of writing, publishing and getting feedback from a blog post is pretty hard to beat, so many, many more posts will be coming in the future. I might do one of those user-generated content sites.
Plus, there’s that secret project I’m working on, that I will reveal to everyone in, say, a few weeks? Or however long it takes me to do it.
You can follow Edward’s blog HERE
He also has merchandise for sale HERE
I can tell you this is one fan that’ll be rockin’ a Hotspur tee shortly. Be warned, they’re only for the truly “awesome.” No posers or Yankees fans allowed (well, maybe Yankees fans. But you pay extra).
Break out the Sex Wax and Longboards because today’s featured SPaM is blogworld’s own personal Moondoggie. When he’s not waxing poetic about Harry Potter in Limerick form he’s listening to music or hanging ten down in NYC.
Make way for the very handsome…EL GUAPO!!!!
The interview was conducted with me wearing this shirt. And nothing else.
Interview’s Music: Ravel’s Bolero…
**** 1. Where does your love of music come from?
IrishPaul, Other Paul, Big Mike.
Irish Paul knows the entire discographies of some of the most obscure bands on earth.
OtherPaul listens to a lot of techno and industrial, that isn’t really my thing, but there are some gems in there.
Big Mike is an encyclopedia of classic and Southern rock.
Once went to a concert with Big Mike and IrishPaul. They got into a conversation that was like sitting in on a master class of music appreciation.
Because of them, I got to appreciate a lot of stuff you won’t hear on classic rock stations.
And now there is very little I won’t listen to.
As an aside – if you’re going to travel to see a show with IrishPaul, budget twice the drinking money you though t you needed, and at least one extra recovery day.
**** 2. Name four songs that you’d include in a soundtrack of your life.
This song is next to impossible to answer. The songs change from moment to moment.
But I would include
Eric Clapton: Layla – It’s the primal scream of rock n roll
They Might Be Giants: Birdhouse in your soul. It’s the song for me and my girl.
John Coltrane: Favorite Things. If this doesn’t move you, you’re already dead.
Jimmy Buffett:: Landfall. It’s a great song, and has the line “If I had it all to do over again/I’d just get myself drunk and I’d jump right back in.
But seriously, as soon as I hit send, the answers will change.
**** 3. Does living in NYC affect your surfing?
The best part of being a surfer with a board living in NYC is the conversations I’ve struck up at 7am with passersby when I’m trapping the board to the roof.
And driving through neighborhoods where no one has ever heard of surfing with a board strapped to my car.
**** 4. Which one of your “toys” is your favorite and why?
My Takamine Jasmine acoustic cutaway guitar.
I was telling my girl (the most wonderful girl in the universe) that I would love a cutaway, but couldn’t justify spending the money on it.
So she went out and bought me one. And the sound of it with light strings is perfect!
**** 5. Best and worst concert ever.
Worst is easy. The only concert I ever walked out on was Damien Rice.
He told great stories between the songs, but the songs were too depressing.
Then he starts singing about his Eskimo friend.
And 3000 hipster yuppies start holding up their lighters and chanting.
My girl and I looked at each other, then ran out before we exploded with laughter.
Pretty sure we’d have been lynched if we did it in our seats…
This is kind of a cop-out, but best concert is any of them when the act is into what they’re doing, and brings the crowd along.
As opposed to Blues Traveller, who were really into what they were doing, which was mostly jerking each other off.
An example of a fun show – Hootie and The Blowfish, years ago in a 500 person SRO room. during the world series. They’re a great pop-rock bar band.
Every so often one of them would wander offstage, and come back with a bottle of SoCo to share with the band, and the updated score. I think if no one showed up for that gig, they’d have played anyway and had just as good a time.
**** 6. Dead musician you’d resurrect.
Toss up between Miles Davis and Jimi Hendrix.
If they played together, I would commit Class A felonies to get a ticket to that.
But since I’m just resurrecting willy-nilly, throw Mel Blanc in there too.
What? He sang “Barber of Seville” as Elmer Fudd. That’s gotta be worth something.
**** 7. How long does it take for you to come up with your limericks?
There’s no rhyme or reason to the limericks.
The first one was for The Fountainhead, in response to a conversation on twitter. That just appeared, whole.
The one for your book (http://guapola.wordpress.com/2011/12/28/a-literary-limerick-gods-of-asphalt/) was hard, because I wanted it to actually work.
Fortunately, I don’t use vast parts of my brain, so once I figure out what it should say, I just let it stew around in the mental abscesses until something fits.
(I can’t believe you want to know about the limericks)
**** 8. You mention activities like skydiving, hangliding and scuba diving. Is there anything you won’t do?
Ice Climbing. Seriously, those guys are way off the crazy scale.
In a bad way.
**** 9. Where do you come up with the idea for Friday Foolishness?
The first poll I ever did was titled “A Poll For Y’Oll”. (http://guapola.wordpress.com/2011/10/28/), which (believe it or not) was not the most inane poll ever.
In the post, I said I thought it might be fun to have a theme, and call it Friday Foolishness.
The comments (both of them) were very supportive.
But how I come up with each poll? I swear to you, I have no idea.
Usually, if there’s something going on in the world, I’ll say to my girl, hey, how about this.
Then I’ll just bounce ideas off her until I get the right expression of appalled. That’s when I know I’ve hit my mark.
About the foolishness, I’ve gotten a few comments that people look forward to them, but the best was one on a Friday at 7 am, before the post went up, from Kayjai that said
“Uh, hello?? It’s Friday??? Have you forgotten the foolishness?? *sigh* Okay…I’ll wait………………………………………………………………………………..”
One of the best comments ever.
**** 10. Every music lovin’ surfer needs an epic automobile. Your dream car is….?
1964 ½ flat black convertible standard transmission Mustang.
Sorry, was I supposed to think about that for a minute?
Oh, and I’d upgrade the stereo from stock.
For more fun in the sun follow EL GUAPO
For your own featured SPaM contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Draw the curtains and kick the kiddos out of the room because today’s SPaM has gone blue. Our featured blogger is the illustrious R.B. Hatch, author of HAREM’S MASTER; a thrilling novel about love and loss and sex. Lots and lots of sex. Now let’s get down to business.
**** 1. What was your inspiration for Harem’s Master?
My health. When I became physically unable to work my wife took on the responsibility of earning our living. Being an older woman at a time when younger people were being laid off from their jobs, all she could find was low paying, part time work. Getting a book published was the only way I could think off to help her.
**** 2. Why erotica?
The first answer to pop into my mind; did Hugh Heffner go broke peddling sex? Another answer that occurs to me is, why not? The physical might not be up to much anymore, and the flame of passion may not burn as bright as in days of yore, but the interest is still interested.
**** 3. Tell us about your sequel to Harem’s Master.
That would be Harem Master: The Price of Victory; the second in the Harem Master trilogy. Would it surprise you to learn that the hero still gets laid a lot? Other than that, John’s war against crime goes global, but TerraCop has a rotten branch way up near the top of the tree where lives only comrades and friends of many years standing. At that level, the only answer to treason is death. John’s investigations reveal the traitor and he arranges the man’s execution. Then, sorely wounded in mind and spirit, John goes away by himself to pout in peace for a while. Returning to Xanadu, TerraCop’s headquarters, John is critically injured in a plane crash. Barely recovered from his injuries John collects another lady in his harem. Against advise, common sense, and the pleas of his ladies, John accompanies Fox Force and his ladies in what should be the decisive battle of his war. He is very nearly killed and one of ladies dies.
**** 4. Tell us about your futuristic fiction collection and how it ties in with Harem’s Master.
The Stanning Years is a four book series, as of now. The first book, Homesteading, starts on Earth about three hundred years after the events in Harem Master: Armageddon. Young and claustrophobic, Colyn Stanning is desperate to escape from the overcrowded domed city which contains all life left on Earth. While applying for emigration he meets a young lady, Dyanne, with whom he promptly falls in love. Two rugged weeks later they’re married and setting out on the sixty day voyage to the small Terran colony on Capella. Colyn begins to show what he’s made of when he saves the life of another passenger enroute to their new home, and once there, it soon becomes apparent that both he and Dyanne are a cut and a half above the normal run of humanity. Basically, Homesteading brings their abnormalities to the fore and introduces the people who are to be instrumental in their lives.
The Stanning Years: Haying Season, concerns mankind’s first documented contact with an alien species and Colyn and Dyanne’s involuntary involvement.
The Stanning Years: Independence, describes Capella’s first election on achieving independence and the Stanning’s fight against Othar Torrschied, a career criminal with galactic dictatorship on his mind.
The Stanning Years: Conflict. Colyn should have shot Torrschied instead of just exiling him. It’s twenty years later, Torrschied has accumulated a vast force of people with the same high morals as himself and is out to take the Terran Federation by force. This time there is heartbreak in the Stanning’s victory.
**** 5. You state that you used to be a trucker. Did all that alone road time help or hurt your ability to write your book?
It probably helped somewhat. I was more into poetry at that time, what we called poetry back in the dark ages anyway. You know, the stuff that rhymes; about trucks of course. I thought some of it was pretty good and tried peddling it. It didn’t peddle, and I am NOT a peddler. But I think it helped me get through being too shy to put my stuff out there for public scrutiny.
**** 6. Did you always want to be a writer?
Not really. I’ve always enjoyed playing with the written word, but it’s only the last twenty years that I gave any serious thought at all to getting something published.
**** 7. How do you explain your novel’s content to family? Do they admire or admonish you for it?
I don’t. They can like it or live with it. My wife read it through once, said “you can do better than that”, and won’t discuss it. My granddaughter said “grandpas aren’t supposed to think like that”. She’s plenty old enough to know how she got here, but maybe she thinks kids have the corner on being horny.
**** 8. Most of my favorite bloggers are from Canada. What the hell is with you Canadians and your penchant for naughtiness?
Hey! We have to have to have something to do on those long dark winter nights, and short light summer nights, and… Ahem! Keeping active helps keep the igloo warm.
Visit Amazon to purchase HAREM’S MASTER
For more thrilling erotica follow HAREM’S MASTER
Next week’s SPaM features the handsome one known as EL GUAPO
For your own SPaM contact me at email@example.com
This week’s featured SPaM blogger needs our help, people. Despite the fact that this woman is bright, witty, charming and amazing, she consistently attracts weirdos to date. First there was the IT guy with the man boobs, followed by Mr. “hung like a baby carrot,” the dude with the job complex and the magician with the disappearing act.
I mean, how could you not love a woman who describes herself and her blog like this: “I don’t want to give too much of myself away because some of the things I post are pretty raw (i.e: messed up! LOL) and I am not sure I’m ready for my workmates or friends to know some of this stuff. Funny how it’s OK to let total strangers know tho? Hmm.. Oh well ..)”
In the interest of match-making I’ve decided to include a few questions I found on an online dating site. Help me as I hook-up…LIFEINTHEFARCELANE
**** 1. Do you believe in love at first sight?
I believe in attraction or appeal at first sight but not love. In my experience love takes time..
And maybe money.
A mansion and a limo doesn’t hurt either.
**** 2. Do you believe a cup is half empty or half full?
You’ve seen my dating disaster posts right?
Go figure the glass is half empty..
But in all seriousness, I’m a fairly positive person without being too polly-anna-ish. I think basically I’m too lazy to be depressed and negative all the time, cos I am sure it takes a bit of effort.
**** 3. If you could travel back through time, what single mistake would you correct in life?
So I’ve given this one a bit of thought. There are a few things I’ve done that now I look back and go “dear lord woman, what were you thinking?” When clearly the only accurate answer is “I wasn’t.”
But – without wishing to sound overly corny – I’d have to say I would change none.
The way I see it, each mistake / experience adds up to the sum of me. (So who knows how much more messed up I might seem, if we changed just one thing!?)
Besides, I’ve kinda grown used to me over the years – now I just have to find some hapless soul who can also handle it
**** 4. Is sexual compatibility important to you?
It’s like air. You know how good it is, but perhaps don’t quite appreciate it – til it’s not readily available to you. I guess that’s a yes
From my experience, satisfying sex is one of the key elements to a successful long term relationship.
**** 5. Which was the first crush you ever had?
Er, does that girlish fantasy (ok fantasies, plural .. my bad) about George Michael count .. ?
Look how well that turned out for us both .. !
**** 6. Are you a morning person or a night person?
I can be either but my fave time of day is morning. I like to get out of bed around 4am, make myself very strong coffee and wake up slowly before the world intrudes. There’s something quite soothing about watching the city wake up in front of you. So long as there is coffee on hand, that is!
**** 7. What adjective would a close friend use to describe you?
Ok so in the interests of being thorough, I texted my 2 best friends and asked them.
Clearly, I need new (nicer) friends ..
One said “Funny”. The other said “Crazy”.
Like I said, new friends needed .. $#@!
**** 8. If you have friends coming over, what would you cook?
Oh now we’re talking. I love to cook!
Starter: Crusty sour dough bread, charred slightly then rubbed with garlic, topped with seasoned diced tomatoes, scattered with basil leaves and a drizzle (read: slosh!) of extra virgin olive oil.
Main: Beef Wellington. Served with roasted vegetables (potatoes, kumara, squash, baby beetroot, baby carrots, parsnips, red onions) all served drizzled with a gorgeously rich red wine / brown onion gravy. Fussy buggers (aka vegetarians) could have the veges cos I’d do them in oil and I’d make a nut loaf.
Dessert: Simplicity itself – Pavlova with whipped cream and kiwifruit on top.
Afters: Fresh espresso & small shot glasses filled with Drambuie.
**** 9. Describe your perfect holiday.
This is a hard one!
I was going to say “there’s no such thing as a bad holiday” but then I recalled a two week stay at the in-laws some 17 years ago.. *shivers*
If I needed a relaxing holiday, I’d grab a man and head to a child-free beach resort somewhere like the Dominican Republic. Lying in the sun beside the pool with cocktails being regularly served (between naps, shags and buffet meals) heavenly.
Touring holidays are great too tho. Fly into France or Northern Italy to then eat my way thru it, region by region, stopping wherever I want to, when I want to. You’d want to allow 2 months to do justice to this one!
**** 10. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
Hmm another hard one.
I love where I live now but could also live in Italy, France, Canada or some parts of the USA happily.
**** 11. What is the one thing about yourself that you would like me to know?
I am pretty sure I have no secrets to anyone who’s read my blog but I’d want you to know if you changed all my answers above so they make me sound like a crazy lady then .. meh.. no need. I did that all by myself, right?
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!
For more lessons on life and love follow LIFEINTHEFARCELANE
Next week is another Mystery SPaM!
For your own SPaM contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
One of the things I love best about SPaM is helping writers promote their books. This week’s featured work, SKINNY WHITE WOMAN is “a self-reflective memoir about what it means to follow a modern-day spiritual path, Skinny White Woman is a raw and unrefined look at the human journey to find the spirit within.”
Welcome to SPaM author and teacher Stasia Minkowsky.
**** 1. Give us a brief over view of your book, SKINNY WHITE WOMAN.
Skinny White Woman is an unconventional look at following a modern-day spiritual path. It tracks five-plus years of my life…. from my days using drugs and alcohol to my vulnerabilities in early sobriety and following the Native American spiritual path on the ‘Rez to eventually learning how to hold sacred space for others who are seeking their own spiritual journey. What you will not find? Perfect spiritual teachers, a perfect spiritual path nor me getting married and living happily ever after. Unlike many current books about spirituality, I wanted to give a more realistic view on how challenging changing one’s entire life can be. And challenging for reasons one might not think of… for instance, it was more challenging to deal with my own cravings for cigarettes, men, drugs and alcohol than it was for me to be buried in a hole for two days, starving and fasting. My biggest obstacle was frequently my own mind and negative, obsessive compulsive thoughts. I wanted to shine a light on this to help people not feel so alone in their journey.
**** 2. How has your personal experiences influenced your writing?
Since this book is a memoir, every relevant personal experience during this period of time in my life is in there. When I first started this journey, I looked for spiritual books to inspire me but had a difficult time finding any that I could relate to. Many books discussed giving up drugs and alcohol and I thought, “How the hell did they do that so effortlessly?” I started drinking very young and had been checking out for years. To give up my one coping mechanism in order to find something greater sounded ridiculous. Also, I was disillusioned by the idea of these perfect spiritual teachers that I never seemed to meet. Where was my Mr. Miyagi?
**** 3. What was your greatest challenge in writing this book?
Obviously, low finances and living off credit cards to write and support myself was a challenge. But the greatest? Probably writing about some of the most personal things in my life and knowing that someday, I would be making those emotional highs and lows available to the public. Likewise, it was also difficult to live in the present while spending so much time writing about the past. It took me about six years to live this book and six years to write it and get it published.
**** 4. What was the greatest reward?
The greatest reward, thus far, has been listening to the feedback from readers who say that the book has touched their lives and made them think about their life differently. I have really enjoyed listening to all age groups… from the teenagers who say that they can relate to the forty-plus age range who can also relate. I have also loved how the book has crossed gender boundaries. Even though the book is told from a woman’s perspective, my male readers have been surprised by how well they can identify to this very human story.
**** 5. What would you most like people to know about Stasia, the woman?
I am just like everyone else. I showed up on this planet to have the full Earth experience. I never expected it to be so freakin’ challenging. I never expected to be in recovery for drugs and alcohol. I never expected NOT to have my shit together by age 30 (and now I am soon to be 37… ha ha). But, I also never expected to meet so many amazing and loving people who realize that we are all on this human journey together.
**** 6. Do you have other books in the works?
Currently, I am doing what I have always done… keeping journals. This is how I put together Skinny White Woman. There have been years of journals since the ending of this book. Maybe material for a follow-up?
**** 7. What do you hope people will take away from your book?
Inspiration, laughter at the absurdity of it all and the courage to believe in their own journey.
**** 8. Where can people find your book for purchase?
For more enlightenment follow SKINNYWHITEWOMAN
Next week’s SPaM features the lovable LIFEINTHEFARCELANE
For your own feature SPaM contact me at email@example.com
This week’s SPaM features a blogger who brings new meaning to the phrase, “It’s a small world.” He describes himself as, “a 19 year old Civil Engineering student at …..a random college in THE most crowded subcontinent on the planet. I grew up in the Middle East around shawarma and KFC with massive portions. Naturally I have a thing for food.”
In addition to his appetite for food this Indian boy wonder is a prolific blogger, reader and ranter. Just don’t ask him for a ride. Welcome to SPaM our very own…RANTONIT.
**** 1.What is an Indian Mechanism?
Contrary to popular belief, Indians are not inherently nuts. (Completely irrevocably nuts). No, they arrive at that end result as a result of being tagged Indian. I mean, that and reading self help books which tell you to be different.
Let me explain. Every day the whole country gets up and asks this question: How on earth do you distinguish yourself between 1.2 billion people? Quite hard you’d assume.
So with everyone trying to be different and everyone having quite the same DNA (I swear India got started with two people with the libidos of rabbits (which clearly has been passed down the ages = 1.2 billion)) results in, wouldn’t you believe it, exactly the same twat-like behavior.
Thus what you call Indian Mechanisms, mostly literally, how we operate.
**** 2.What inspired you to pursue an education in Civil Engineering?
How I got around to civil engineering eh? Well, it started in 3rd grade when I wanted, more than anything in the world to be a pilot. That then changed to being an aeronautical engineer (oh yeah), then I wanted to become a computer science engineer (see a pattern?) and hence in 11th grade I took comp sci. in school which involved C++ and in no time I decided I wanted to be an Architect which, now that I think about it, is where I should have stopped. Then I wanted to do mech. Engineering and finally got civil. So there, the lifecycle till 19, of an average Indian.
**** 3. What inspired your latest hair, er…lack of hair style?
Dandruff problem was the official line because it was brilliant. Really, Indians all over are happy if they’ve judged you just a little each day, even if it was over you having had dandruff (an apparent failing on your part). That and a Dandruff problem’ was a two word answer I could shout out to passing people who asked me the question, or even to those open palms lifted in the same question. Really, that happened a lot.
However, I had an actual reason; the hair meant a lot and cutting it, even more so. It is something I’d make a post of, but in plain simple words, I shaved my head everyday because, hey, I looked so damn good that way ……and it was there to remind me that I frankly don’t give a rats ass about people judging me. ALSO to remind me to stay in the present, firmly. Not to get happy about things that might or might not happen in the future because that’s a lesson that seems to rush me by how many ever times I have it stapled onto my forehead. So there’s an honest answer.
**** 4. Tell us about the notorious drivers in India.
Well, let’s put it this way, I wasn’t born with un-descended testicles and seeing as I haven’t been driving in India for a month or so now, I’m expecting them down any day now.
**** 5. What is the biggest misconception people have about India?
I wouldn’t know, see. I grew up in the Middle East, in Muscat. Been there since age 6 and all of a sudden, in March of 2010, I find myself in India. How do you think I liked that? Blew my mind completely. Honestly, I’m not the Indian to be asking this question, growing up in the Middle East and being Indian, I had a very mixed up bunch of views on India. Bollywood movies weren’t the most reliable yardsticks either as I have painfully learned. But one thing I can tell you, if you’re here for anything other than a holiday and maybe even in that case, it is not a mystical nice place with friendly wisdom-ous people. It will almost kill you and as the Joker said, “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”
**** 6. Many of your blog posts focus on your love of food. What is your favorite traditional Indian dish and your favorite international dish?
Erm, favorite food? U mad bro? Do you not remember, in every post, how I stress my consumption of everything consumable and some not? I’m the man who invented the post dessert snack. I do love all Indian food, really I do and all other food for that matter. The unhealthier the better.
**** 7. What are your favorite book, movie and song?
My favorite book of ALL time would have to be ‘The Fountainhead’ by Ayn Rand and she is my favorite author. I won’t ruin it by talking about it and another book of hers, Atlas Shrugged shows a lot of promise as well, 1/4th the way through it atm.
My favorite song would have to be Let it be by John Lennon, and Bitter Sweet Symphony by The Verve aaaand Save Tonight by Eagle Eye Cherry aaand Elbow’s Grounds for Divorce instrumental ….but no, I actually love a lot of music; I absolutely love alt rock, Bach, country and mostly everything in between. Play rap, hip hop and any of that rubbish and I swear, Imma stuff bacon in your ears till you overheat your tiny little brain explodes. Absolutely love the Matrix trilogy, Inception, and a lot of sappy movies as well like…. No, I won’t live that one down.
**** 8. Where do you see yourself in five years?
I will have, by then eaten 1/5th of the world’s beef, up from 1/8th by the end of this year. My growth follows an elliptical curve.
For more Indian Mechanisms follow RANTONIT
Next week’s SPaM features novelist Skinnywhitewoman
For your own SPaM contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
“Every Monday you will be entertained by the humorous strips of QUICK APPLIANCE REPAIR (a strip about two idiot brothers working for their Dad) and MISSISSIPPI SWAMP DRAGONS (as the name suggests this strip is about a psychotic chicken in a floppy ear hat and a pessimistic clown). They are joined by a third humor strip by the name of BUBBA GNOMES. Basically gnomes with a redneck twist.”
This week we take a trip into the mind of this self-proclaimed “nut” and see what makes his pen tick.
**** 1. What first influenced you to become an artist, and how did that lead to the medium of webcomics?
When I was One year old I wanted a pencil and paper and I’ve never have put them down since. I have literally been drawing all of me life. When I was three I was fascinated by the Sunday funnies. I would lay in the floor and imitate them in my drawings. That’s when I decided I wanted to do comics when I got older…( notice I didn’t use the phrase ” grow up “)… Later I found out they had words with them. WHAT A CONCEPT! I got interested in comic books also starting with the Richie Rich’s and Casper’s and as I got older the Marvel & DC super heroes.
Back in those days we could buy them off a rack in any convenience store….and we rode the bus to school, uphill , both ways, in the snow…. As I read more super heroes I drew more super heroes. My first love was still the funny pages in newspapers though. I created HERMAN THE PSYCHOTIC CHICKEN by accident in 9th grade art class. It would still be years later before I knew what to do with him. My senior year term paper was on Comics. That was before the interwebs and I had to go to this brick building in the center of town they called a Library. During college I fleshed out HERMAN and paired him with a pessimistic Clown by the Name of KNOTHEAD. a couple of years later I started the QUICK APPLIANCE REPAIR strip. I would draw up strips and read articles to see what size to draw them and make reduce photo copies of them to store. At the time I didn’t know what to do with them , I just wrote and drew and stock piled. I would create a new strip here and there and keep drawing.
Eventually I started my own comics paper and published it for free monthly with ad money from it. I ran it for four years and used a website to promote the paper. I wished I realized then how better off I would have been to have used the paper to promote the website. I was reading comics on the web but I only had samples of my comics on the web and should have been updating it the whole time. Due to some family illnesses I shut down the paper and moved it totally to the web in 2007. I started the paper back WHILE KEEPING THE WEBSITE GOING but only for a few months before making it a digital periodical.
**** 2. How much of your characters in your comic strip are based on real people?
I once told a group of people that the majority of the characters were slivers of my own personality and if I didn’t write and draw them out that there was a good chance that I would turn into a schizophrenic with multiple personalities. I have over a hundred characters running thru me noggin.
The Digital Periodical actually comes out on Wednesday & Friday also. Each day has different humor strips and all three day have an action adventure sci fi serial that’s ongoing. Question 6 deals with that so let me list my humor strips. QUICK APPLIANCE REPAIR ( two idiot brothers working for their dad in the appliance repair business )… MISSISSIPPI SWAMP DRAGONS ( a psychotic chicken in a floppy ear hat and a pessimistic clown, there are two swamp dragons in the strip also )… DAWN OF TIME ( Bubba the caveman and his chimp friend Milo )… CAPN’ GEEZER ( space / time patrol and his companions, arch nemesis travels in a port-o-pottie time machine…. SPACE REDNECKS ( Houston MS with it’s own space program )… GOING BATTY ( mad scientist and the critters in his castle )…. BUBBA GNOMES ( mythology with a redneck twist )…. “!?!” ( a strip that will never have any words and rely solely on the action of the main character for the humor. To pronounce the name of this title simply put your finger in your mouth pressing on the inside of a cheek at a sideways angle bringing it out fast to make a popping sound )…. My but that’s a lot of strips I tells ya. That’s eight humor titles with over a hundred , maybe a hundred fifty characters total.
There are a few friends that appear in the strips as “extras”. They get speaking lines and such but the number is less than ten. Some of the Characters in the QAR strip are INSPIRED by me and my brother and some family members but are not actually us. They just have a lot of our quirks.
**** 3. Do you find it difficult to come up with inspiration and ideas on a regular basis?
Actually I find it hard to shut it off. Not that I actually try to shut it off at any time. After the first two strips I kept having ideas for a third. I figured I would go ahead and draw some of the cavemen strips just to get them out of my head. The next thing I know I have a third strip. Now it’s up to eight humor strips. I usually pre write strips in advance in a note book and draw them later. I see the humor side of just normal events that happen thru the day.
**** 4. Do you find it more or less difficult to exist as an artist now that our media has shifted toward online distribution and away from traditional print?
I love the way it is now. Even here in Mississippi I sell as many books on cd as pdf’s as I do in print. The internet is great for distribution. I’ve made my paper a Digital Periodical that’s free to anyone who wants it. I no longer have to pay a printer and where I was limited to 4000 copies a month I can now send an infinite amount thru email. I use the WordPress blogs for my archives and people are always finding me on that. Add the Facebook, twitter, and YouTube as promotion tools and anyone can self publish their work.
**** 5. In addition to your humorous comic strips you’ve written a series of short horror stories called MISFITS AND MAYHEM. What inspired you to create horror graphic novels?
I loves me some horror I do. I’ve always have just wanted to write and draw some horror stories. I used to read horror comics as a kid and still do from time to time now. Although the more you write and draw the less time you have to read. I use a totally different style of art and writing for my horror , and the horror stories have a horror host by the name of CREEPY CLYDE that runs a night carnival. This is the only project that I’ve used someone else to help on. A friend of mine writes half of the stories in the books and I write the other half. Then I draw, letter and ink the whole book. I do throw in some dark humor into my stories also.
**** 6. You mention a series of SciFi graphic novels in the works. What prompted you to go in the direction of SciFi? Also, our readers need to know the answer to this question…are you a Trekkie or a Jedi?
First off….I’m a Whovian ( Doctor Who ). But I usually watch it all. I’m more fond of the original three Star Wars films and did meet Dave Prowse ( actor in the Darth Vader costume ) at a con in 1993. But I’ve seen all of the Trek series, read a bunch of the novels and comic books. If I had to chose one over the other it would be Trek over Star Wars , but Doctor Who before anything else.
The SciFi graphic novels are being drawn three pages a week now. They appear in the BubbaWorld Comix Digital Periodical every week on all three days at the bottom of the pages. It’s an ongoing Time Travel Adventure That I draw in a similar style to the horror comics I do. I call it ” DOX “. It’s awesomeness I tells ya. I wrote it as a novel a few years back during the month of November. Yes… i wrote a 75,000 word novel in 28 days. I never did anything with the manuscript because I really wanted it to be a series of graphic novels.
I’m drawing the pages horizontal like a comic strip from the funny pages instead of the traditional way ( vertical ) so it will do better on a computer screen with less scrolling. The print form of the books as they come out will be in a landscape style and shape because of this. I still use humor in my writing but this is a more serious subject. It has mystery and deaths and violence in it. In other words pure Awesomness!
**** 7. What does the future hold for BubbaWorld Comix?
Flying cars I hope … I want me my own personal flying car. Oh and more subscribers. The more people I have reading my comics the better. I had one person years ago ask me if I was the next Charles Schultz? I told them, “No, I’m the first Andy Childress.” I did love Peanuts and it had a lot to do with me wanting to become a cartoonist. Right now though I just need anyone who enjoys my comics to spread the word to their friends about it. My official website is BUBBAWORLDCOMIX.NET and you can get the Digital Periodical just by emailing me at email@example.com with “SUBSCRIBE” in the subject of the email.
I’ve also got other ideas for more graphic novels later on and I will be doing a third volume of MISFITS & MAYHEM.
See ya in the funny Web Pages.
For more space madness follow Bubbaworldcomix
For your own feature SPaM post contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Next week’s SPaM features the enigmatic Rantonit!
The combination of a late week Nor’easter, birthday festivities and a minor brush with carbon monoxide poisoning has left me little time to complete…well, much of anything this week. So I have decided to lay low today and leave you with the number one songs the day I was born in the US, the UK and Australia. Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday yesterday!
NUMBER ONE SONG IN THE U.S.
NUMBER ONE SONG IN THE U.K.
NUMBER ONE SONG IN AUSTRALIA
Well people, it was inevitable. The time has come to do a SPaM post on the infamous HR NIGHTMARE. What makes him infamous, you ask? Namely, that he is the former Mr. H.E. Ellis. *Hey!! My last name isn’t Ellis! And if we’re talking names here, wouldn’t you be the former Nightmare? No pun intended.*
I’ll spare you all the eye pain of attempting to read the near vowel-less spelling of his Transylvanian last name and just refer to him as HR for the remainder of this post.
HE: So tell me, HR. What does the HR stand for?
HR stands for Human Resources. Every company has a human resources department, and every company has a guy who argues with them about….EVERYTHING. Yeah, I’m that guy. Example? In sports, smacking someone’s ass and saying, “Good game” is acceptable. However…
HE: Yeah, yeah. Moving on. You, unlike me, are a native New Hampshire-ite. What does being a New Englander mean to you?
It means I have an excuse to drive poorly, own many weapons, pay little taxes and swear without aid of the letter “R.” Oh, and hate the Yankees. I’m a Pissa.
HE: Can you elaborate on what a “Pissa” is?
The definition of a Pissa is something that is way cool, maybe too cool. Also recognized in Boston and Rhode Island for “amazing.” But here in New Hampsha, it means to take the “Piss” out of something, like when someone is telling a story and you shit all over it before he’s even done. Basically, a ballbuster.
HE: Your blog entitled, WORDS YOU CAN’T UNSAY reads like a guide to practical joking in the workplace. How did you come up with that idea?
I figured that as long as I was being written up, I might as well be written about. What I call a morale booster, my boss calls workplace shenanigans. Maybe I ought to send him a link to my blog. On second thought, NO.
HE: Your shenanigans do not stop at the workplace, quite often you bring them home. What’s it like being only eighteen years older than your oldest son, and how does that impact your ability to lay the “smack down” as you like to say?
I’ve found that a high perch and a sniper style airsoft rifle is a great equalizer. Besides, most people think he’s the dad, so in public this makes for lots of fun.
HE: In addition to your love for and massive collection of weaponry, what do you have a passion for? (I’m talking about all the motorcycles in the backyard, HR).
I’d like to see HR and HE on a HD. And having seven motorcycles and four mopeds is not a lot, Little Miss antique car collec–
HE: Ok, ok. Let’s move on to your name. How hard was it growing up in the United States with what is traditionally a girl’s name?
I don’t want to talk about that because I got my ass KICKED as a kid. It’s why I use my middle name, Mikhail. I did learn, however, that it is useful to hold onto that grudge anger until years later when you run into them again. Talk about never saw it coming.
HE: Alright, how about your last name, and the fact that you are the twenty-fourth in a long line of (gives permission to use name) Vlakfelds.
Now that worked out much better, especially on the little goth girls with daddy issues who all LOVED that I was a descendent of Vlad Tspes. All through high school I had a black lipstick ring around my–
HE: I know, I know. You know I adapted parts of your life for a character in my novel. How does it feel to be immortalized in print?
You mean besides my very permanent public record? Well that all depends, who am I again?
HE: I’m not going to tell you. You’ll just have to buy the book and read it.
Well I guess I’ll never know. Wait…I’m not JEB, am I?
HE: Well I guess you’ll never know.
For more blogging shenanigans follow HR NIGHTMARE
Return next week for a feature SPaM post with Bubbamix Comics
For your own SPaM email me at email@example.com
For this week’s SPaM I had the privilege of sitting down to an interview with a man who’s known world wide; a man whose public persona is larger than life, but whose private world is shrouded in a centuries old mystery. In this three part series we will discuss his career, his home life, his influence and ultimately his legacy. This is by far the most in-depth probe I’ve ever done for a SPaM post that I believe you’ll find both eye-opening as well as entertaining. Today I sit down with none other than…
Part one of our interview takes place in Santa’s private quarters at his North Pole command center. Haggard and spent from last night’s epic trip around the world, he nurses what the elves tell me is his “tonic,” prompting me to open questions quickly and dive right into the meat of his story:
As much as I blog/write/brag about being a New Englander I find it’s easy to forget that my life’s journey began in Florida, the same base of operations for this week’s featured blogger Sandylikeabeach (great name, right?). But the similarities don’t end with geography. I also suffer from her self-described “Scarlet O Hara syndrome” and could have written the following sentiment myself:
“With this blog, I hope to feed that part of my soul that yearns to create. My blog is not really about anything in particular, just recollections, memories, observations, thoughts and dreams.”
Anyone who’s had the good fortune to visit her blog quickly learns there’s more to this writer/poetess than simple anecdotes or pearls of wisdom. I give you my kindred spirit, Sandylikeabeach.
Before I answer your questions, let me say I’m delighted to be your kindred spirit and honored to be included in your roster of SPaM recipients. Now, on to your questions.
**** 1. What first influenced you to become a writer?
My high school English teacher, Mrs. McKelvy, opened my mind to the possibility of writing. I took her creative writing class and she was very encouraging. I wrote several short stories and poems, and won our school’s creative writing award my senior year. I majored in journalism in college, but never liked the “reporting” side of it. I loved the photography and editing classes.
Of course, I graduated from college during a recession so I never worked in my major field. I was just happy to get any job, much like today’s college graduates. Once I left college, I did very little writing, until I started this blog about six months ago. After decades of not writing, I’m still struggling to find my “voice.” I have been happily surprised by how encouraging and supportive my fellow bloggers have been. It is unlikely that I will ever be a “post a day” blogger, but I am enjoying the journey.
**** 2. Where do you draw your inspiration for your poetry?
My poetry tends to be a bit dark. When I am in an emotionally raw place, the words just seem to flow. Often the writing of the poem is enough to lift me out of that dark place.
The one poem you seemed to like the most was Longing, which ended with the line ‘Someone walked over my grave.’ That line was the starting point for the poem. It was something I remembered from my teenage years. We used that expression when we would get a sudden chill that would give us goosebumps. I knew I wanted to end a poem with that line, so I worked backwards from there.
**** 3. Are you writing anything at the moment?
Just the answers to these questions. I do have an idea for a short story bouncing around in my head, not sure if it will ever make it from my head to the page.
**** 4. In your post ICE CREAM CONES AND RAIN – BOOKS THAT CHANGED MY LIFE you discuss a love of reading. What are you reading at the moment, and what book would you recommend reading?
Currently, I’m reading and enjoying W. Somerset Maugham’s Of Human Bondage. There are so many good books, it’s hard to recommend just one. I loved Vonnegut when I was younger, and Douglas Adams. Dune by Frank Herbert was a stand out, as were The Lathe of Heaven by Ursula K. Le Guin and The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. Just in the last few months, I’ve read and would recommend The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner and The Gods of Asphalt by you!
**** 5. I love your post DISSECTING A CRAZY AUNT about living in Florida. What do you find is the best/worst thing about living in Florida?
The best is hard to choose as we have some of the best beaches in the world (I have traveled the world so I know this to be true), the best Cuban food this side of, well, Cuba, and so many crazy, freaky people (the circus really does spend the winter here). I think what I like most about my home state is it defies generic descriptions. The southern part is different from the northern part, the coasts are different from the center of the state. The state is an ethnic melting pot with more tanning salons and theme parks than any one state should have, including water parks which is just nuts for a state that bills itself as the sunshine state and is bordered by water on three sides. We’ve had crazy out of control growth, and yet many pristine wild places remain. Florida is a contradiction, wrapped up in a conundrum, tied with a bit of whimsy, and just when you think you have her figured out, she surprises you.
The Florida Chamber of Commerce is going to hate me for saying this, but we have the worst bugs – giant, hideous, could star in a horror movie bugs. There are huge palmetto bugs that look like roaches on steroids. These things can be 4 or 5 inches long, at least, and they fly – straight at you. We have fire ants, scorpions, huge grasshoppers, spiders (which don’t bother me but some of them are as big as my hand), and some bugs that I don’t even know what they are but they look like they’re from another planet. Seriously, the sheer number and variety of bugs are an entomologist’s wet dream.
**** 6. What’s the best thing about spending winter holidays in Florida?
The weather! I didn’t see snow until I was 16 on a visit to Yellowstone in July so I never understood the appeal of a white Christmas. I watch the news and see people all bundled up scraping ice off of their cars and I just cannot imagine having to endure all that cold weather day in and day out for several months. It’s not surprising that so many people move south, though don’t move to Florida because we have these huge hideous bugs.
I don’t dance nearly enough! When I lost my job, I moved back to the little town where I now live. I can’t indulge my love of salsa, cha cha and tango as much as I would like, though I did dance salsa in my living room with the cable repair man a few months ago. I do take a couple of dance classes each week and often just put on some music and dance around my house. Music and dancing lift my spirit like nothing else.
**** 8. Many of your posts including, CLOUDS, ICE, ALASKA and CALIFORNIA DREAMING are about your love of traveling. What was your favorite travel destination, and where would you like to go that you’ve never been?
My favorite trip was a walking photo safari in Kenya about 11 years ago. I had never camped before, at least not in a tent without electricity and running water. I went alone and had a fabulous time. Masai warriors, carrying spears, joined us on our treks through the Loita Hills. I witnessed the wildebeest migration on the Masai Mara, hyena feeding frenzies near the campsite and herds of elephants in East Tsavo. I saw Kilimanjaro and the Indian Ocean. The most amazing thing was just walking along and being just a few yards from impala, zebra and elephants. I also saw incredible poverty, yet these people who were living in tiny huts with next to nothing were warm, friendly and generous, welcoming us into their village and homes. They also recognized a fellow dancer, as I was chosen to join the Masai women as they danced around their campfire. It was the trip of a lifetime and I would go back to Africa in a heartbeat.
There are only two continents I haven’t set foot upon, but still so much of the world to see. I’ve never been to the Greek Islands, but ever since I watched the movie, Shirley Valentine, a few years ago, I have longed to spend a few weeks on a sailboat gliding through the Aegean Sea and exploring those islands. Maybe someday…….
**** 9. Lastly, your post 25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME doesn’t begin to sum up your clearly vibrant personality. What is the one thing about you most people would be surprised to learn?
Most people would be surprised to learn that I am surprising. I was surprised to find this out, too. People are always telling me that I am ‘surprisingly strong’ or ‘surprisingly athletic’ or ‘surprisingly deep.’ They are surprised by the things I’ve done, the places I’ve been and the thoughts I express. Not surprisingly, surprising is a wonderful way to be.
For more salsa fun follow Sandylikeabeach!
Next week’s SPaM features a three part interview with a special mystery guest. You won’t believe who it is!
For your own SPaM contact firstname.lastname@example.org
I was overjoyed to find that this week’s SPaM featured blogger, THE WANDERING ATAVIST is a fellow New Englander. I can’t begin to tell you how excited I was to review his posts and actually read the word “Balls!” used as punctuation at the end of a paragraph. Seriously, like familiar music to my ears.
Our friend the Atavist is a self-described “professional adventurer (mostly because it beats working for a living), he’s also something of a cowardly lion, and the biggest klutz you’ll ever meet. The combination makes for a pretty interesting string of… well, the police reports usually refer to them as “incidents.”
I have to admit that when I first did my research I had to look up what the word, ATAVIST means. The Free Online Dictionary lists an atavist as;
(noun) Atavist – an organism that has the characteristics of a more primitive type of that organism.
That got me thinking. How does an “atavist” human learn about the world around him? By utilizing his five senses, that’s how. With his posts entitled…
…there’s no doubt that The Atavist should have no problem answering the following questions. I give you The Wandering Atavist’s take on the five senses!
**** 1. During your travels, have you ever seen something you couldn’t explain?
Only when there was a woman involved. Although, California’s interstate system comes to mind…
**** 2. What are the top three worst things you have ever smelled?
I should start by confessing that I’m just barely house broken. Worse still, I frequently embark on multi-day (multi-week?) trips with five minutes notice or less. When I return to whatever apartment I happen to be in, I often find myself having to play “what’s that smell” around the kitchen. Noodles, left to their own devices in a wet sink for far too long, become an unholy goo. Sometimes, it’s easier just to move out…
Number two would be the woman I helped to forcibly deport from the state of Maine. We drove non-stop to Kentucky, praying that the sleeping pills would last until we got her there. We ditched her and one of the cars just as she was coming to, and then we drove non-stop back to Maine, praying that the Authorities in Kentucky wouldn’t realize we were the ones who’d just given them that problem. That’s the only time I can actually remember my eyes burning.
3rd place goes to a truck full of wildland firefighters after several days on the job in Arizona. On our first fire in Yuma, the temperature peaked at 118 in the shade. And did I mention the world was on fire? After several 18 hour days of hiking, swinging axes, and lugging supplies around with no showers, the stench of a fire crew breaks the Geneva convention. I remember seeing a crew chief not letting a man board a helicopter until he scrubbed up with a bottle of hand sanitizer and the water in his canteen.
Oh- and the rental car I brought back from Florida certainly gets an honorable mention. I left my Scuba gear to mildew for 9 days in a tropical swelter, on the back seat. My co-pilot contributed sea shells she’d plucked from the beach with the critters still inside, and several ready-mixed tuna salad packages she’d let marinade on the floor since the day we left. I’m pretty sure they chalked that car up to an insurance loss when we dropped it off.
**** 3. Based on sound, which region of the U.S. has the most unique dialect or is the hardest to comprehend?
If you trek deep enough into Northern Maine, you’ll come to a lone moose trail that will lead you to the town of Madawaska. The locals, ever fueled by coffee brandy, speak an unintelligible blend of French-Canadian-Quebecois and English. Most of the men there drive 18 wheelers; hauling lobster, lumber, and liquid courage far and wide. But the poor guys don’t get to practice their social skills much on the lonely roads from Madawaska to… anywhere, really. Their accents run so thick that the state police in southern Maine don’t generally stop them.
**** 4. What is the best tasting/worst tasting meal you’ve ever eaten cooked over a campfire?
Best tasting: Chickadee. (Y’know- The little song birds.) What can I say? It was a long, hard summer’s day, and I used to run with a rough crowd. We all had guns before we had cars.
Worst: this is a tough question. Almost everything tastes good over a camp fire. Without exception, my worst culinary disasters occur in the kitchen. One time Sam and I made pancakes with a bag of quick-mix we found buried in the back of the cabinet. They were a bit gamey, but we’d both eaten worse. We just added enough butter and syrup to cover it. Later, we discovered that our bag of “pancake batter” had actually been a long expired “make-your-own-doggie-treat” kit.
**** 5. And lastly have you ever touched anything, like poison ivy or a sea urchin (get your mind out of the gutter, people) that you’ve regretted?
Oh, sure. There’s lots of live electrical wires in my past. Also, you’d be surprised how hard it can be to tell that something is on fire before it’s too late. But it gets much, much worse…
Once upon a time, I accidentally found myself living in a slum in Alaska. There was a blood stain on the mattress where someone (prostitute? Junky? Mailman?) had been stabbed not long before I moved in. But I was compelled to make the situation work, so I chose to believe it was a coffee stain. I covered it with my sleeping bag, and resolved not to touch it. A few months in, I woke up one morning and discovered to my horror that I had somehow rolled off my sleeping bag and was laying face down in that odious stain. BALLS! I ran outside in my underwear and started rounding up bottles of industrial chemicals to douse myself with. I spent several hours soaking in carcinogens and scrubbing at my hide with a rusty wire brush. Yuck!
For more balltastic adventures follow The Wandering Atavist
Next week’s features the one and only sandylikeabeach
Want your own feature SPaM? email me at email@example.com
Now that this SPaM post is finished it’s time to let you in on some sad news. Sad because my favorite new blog buddy is leaving New England for the balmy shores of Florida. I’d like to think if we had ever met; our conversation would have sounded something like this:
As promised I will reveal the name of the secret admirer who wrote Friday’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG at the bottom of this blog post. But first, onto some British SPaM!
I thought this week’s SPaM post featuring my Verynormal gal pal Megan would practically write itself as I consider her part of my family. But trying to encapsulate all there is to know about this British ball of wonder in a single blog post is a near to impossible task and required me to call in reinforcements. I give you Megan, as seen through the questions of my own family.
**** 1. Question number one comes from my daughter Mini Me and she asks, “When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up, and what do you want to be now?”
I wanted to be a Zoologist, I know I was a nerdy kid but I had a fascination with animals, studying them would have been my perfect job but then, I do not actually know what happened, I guess I realised that animals were just the start, Dragons and Werewolf’s were going to be the middle and who know what the end will be but at the moment writing and teaching are both my aims.
**** 2. Question number two comes from my son Junior who asks, “What made you start a blog?”
My writing, I needed a way to justify staying up till stupid hours in the morning writing words, I needed to know I was actually good at it, so far so good! I have met some amazingly wonderful people, one being H.E.
**** 3. Question number three comes from my son Prince Charming who asks, “What are you studying in school?”
I love the word school, because technically I left school 2 and a half years ago but I guess if I lived in America I would have only just left. I studied Sociology, Psychology, Biology and Chemistry at A level, which is at college here and now I am studying Childhood studies at college again ahaha I get people … I guess I finally realised animals were not my calling! I did not get into University but I guess that has been a good thing, I have time to write and that is all I need.
**** 4. Question number four comes from the bane of my existence, Just Jeb. “Where is the best place to party on a Saturday night?”
Well seen as though I can drink because I am 18 and in England that is legal… I do not actually know ahaha at home snuggled with Ben and my family. You’re all going to get an insight into where I live now Leeds is an amazing night out around town, I mean in one club/pub they bring shots around too you, Hull and York are also good nights out but I do not understand all the pushing to the bar stuff and I work on a Saturday and Sunday so I do not actually go out that often … When I do … It is never good ahaha.
**** 5. Mini Me asks you to tell us about your family.
I have the most amazing family (that includes you guys :D), My mum and dad are the best, My mum had me and my sisters very young, she was 17 when she had my older sister but they worked there arses off to get where they both are now and I respect them a lot. My sisters are like my best friends and we get on amazingly well for sisters. Family is your rock … Never forget that.
**** 6. Junior asks you to tell us about your boyfriend, Ben.
Oh gosh, do you have all day, I love him so much and people do not think you can be in love at eighteen but people are wrong, he saved me, he really did. I was in a place that was not good, I had a psycho best friend and an unhealthy relationship with the wrong boy … Ben was my knight and now he is my pillow at night ahaha!!
**** 7. Jeb asks, “What is the most confusing thing Americans do/say/or think, and what assumption about England do Americans have that is completely wrong?
Erm I do not actually know, I have to Google all the food stuff you lot say like Krispy Kremes, They look yummy but I could not eat them (I am allergic to wheat) I won’t lie to you guys, I had Americans all wrong, I am going to hate what I am going to say, I thought you were all stupid and up tight… that you guys like did not get jokes and just sat eating MacDonalds all day … That is so stereotypical, I am sorry and I was wrong! Really wrong.
We do not all drink tea, I for one hate it and scones ahaha! We are mad about Rugby and Football and we all talk nowhere near as posh as you think we all do.
**** 8. Prince Charming asks, “You’ve recently discovered American football. What’s your take on our sport, and do you have a favorite team?”
You have too many breaks in it ahaha but apart from that I really like it! I mean I like sport, I am getting a New England Patriots shirt for Christmas from my mum and dad. Woop!!
**** 9. Now I ask, “You give some great relationship advice. What’s the one thing you could pass along to all the single girls your age out there?”
There is so much I would say, I mean my biggest one would be… Love yourself before having sex, that might seem stupid but too many people do it just so they can say they did it then they feel terrible after know that they would never want to remember that as there special ‘night’ another one would be guys are trustworthy, I mean you have a beautiful example in Prince Charming, from what we have spoken about anyway. Lads are not as horrible as most girls make out.
**** 10. Lastly, “What can you tell us about your book Realm Keepers, and what are your plans for the remainder of the series?”
Ohhhh I didn’t know you had all day, Realm Keepers is my Fantasy fiction love child, it was the start of getting back into writing during my ‘A’ levels and it is the best this I have written to date. I mean there is more detail on my page These Four Kingdoms.. I do not wanna bore you all but this is my dream, I love writing and I can feel myself getting better at it every day. I mean I might even let you steal some to put in your writers corner ahaha. I always think people are going to hate my writing because most people tell me I am too young but now I have started blogging my confidence has grown and I owe a lot to the people who view my blog. These Four Kingdoms is hopefully going to go far… I have hope!!
I owe a lot to you H.E. And ‘Lola’ is just the start (Introducing Lola.)
Follow British darling Megan at Verynormal
Next week’s SPaM features THE WANDERING ATAVIST
Want your own featured SPaM post? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
THE IDENTITY OF FRIDAY’S SECRET ADMIRER IS:
Lately I’ve developed an appreciation for poetry, specifically in bad love letter form. A few of my clever readers have sent me their own take on “Love Letters Gone Wrong” and it gave me a wicked yet brilliant idea.
Every Friday night I will be posting a new anonymous “secret admirer” love letter gone wrong. What I’d like you all to do is scan my blogroll, pick who you think the secret admirer is and leave your answer in the comments. I’ll post the answer with the following Monday’s SPaM post and give the commenter with the first correct guess a free copy of my ebook.
I encourage anyone who wants to write a truly terrible love letter to email me at email@example.com
Now let’s move from terrible to Whorrible in the form of some really good poetry and prose offered by fellow blogger Johnathan Borden. His two recently released works entitled LOTION FOR THE LOCUST and A GLUTTON’S BOUNTY are available to read on the WHORRIBLE blog. Jonathan Borden describes himself as a Conformalist poet and freelance graphic artist based in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, who is known for his revival of confessional writing and his album covers. His writing is raw and his artwork borders the avant guarde. Check him out and be sure to send in some really bad love letters gone wrong.
This week’s SPaM features an article brought to you from Motorcycle Accident, a site/blog dedicated to public awareness on motorcycle safety as well as debunking the long held stereotype of the biker as “outlaw.” So to all you die-hard bikers and motorcycle enthusiasts out there I bring you Gina from Motorcycle Accident.org!
America’s Perception of Motorcyclists
Motorcycles have been around for decades, and like every other group or culture in life, motorcyclists are judged by society. Society‘s view of bikers has one similarity with all society’s other perceptions of groups/cultures: it is ridiculous.
Perception 1: All Motorcyclists Are Outlaws
These are the words that describe how people perceive motorcyclists: criminals, gang members, outlaws, and thugs; and the list doesn’t stop there. Sons of Anarchy is only one example of how television and movies depict bikers. The mid-1900’s mark when motorcycle clubs became popular and the foundations for America’s perception of bikers were set. According to a TV Tropes article, the view of a typical motorcyclist is a, “big, burly, grizzled man wearing a leather jacket and riding a Harley.” Bikers are always thought of as belonging to a gang; supposedly bikers wear their gang colors, “a vest over their jacket that displays their gang name, insignia, and area of operation. Most gangs also have a system of patches that indicate members’ various accomplishments and duties.” Oh, but the ridiculousness doesn’t stop there.
Motorcyclists are thought to be White Supremists who live at the tattoo parlor and love to party, drink, do drugs, and get into bar fights. Bikers are believed to live nomadic lifestyles, solely supported by their engaging in black market trades, like illegal drugs and weapons. Part of the perception is also that women are second to men in motorcycle gangs and “are called ‘mamas’” according to the TV Tropes article.
This account, though humorous, isn’t far from the truth. The truth is that the vast majority of motorcyclists aren’t in gangs, and certainly aren’t criminals, outlaws, or thugs. In recent years, with the impacts our actions have on the environment becoming more clear and with increases in gas prices, motorcycles, which typically get over 50 miles to the gallon, have become a fuel-efficient and green way to travel; and people of all career types ride them, including doctors and lawyers, whose professions seem to indicate a conservative vehicle choice.
Perception 2: All Motorcyclists Pack Because They Love to Fight
There’s a perception that motorcyclists don’t just love bar fights, but that their little hearts flutter at the idea of any fight. As a result, they are always packing just in case an opportunity to create havoc presents itself; “Classic weapons of an outlaw biker include clubs, chains, and knives. Many real-world bikers carry large maglights because legally they are not considered weapons.” And there are several ways to start a fight with fellow motorcyclists, if one feels so inclined: “The best way to piss off a biker is to wear your own “colors” displaying another gang’s turf as your home city. The ultimate crime, however, is knocking over their motorcycles.”
Perception 3: All Motorcyclists Love to Wear Cow
Another perception of motorcyclists is that all they wear are leather products; it’s a fashion statement and it makes them look like they’re tough. People believe that leather is simply part of the motorcycle culture, and it feeds into the whole “gang” view on motorcyclists. The truth is, however, that wearing leather is not simply a fashion statement and that motorcyclists do not only wear leather; the point of motorcycle wear is to protect riders from the elements and in the event of an accident. Riders also wear Cordura, Kevlar, and ballistic nylon because these materials are durable.
So there you have it. Being a motorcyclist does not entail being in a gang, nor wearing leather, packing a weapon, black market trades, or bar fights. What is does entail is fuel efficiency and a lessened impact on the environment; oh, and a really cool looking bike.
Gina Williams is a guest post and article writer bringing to the public’s perception on motorcyclists.
Gina also writes articles about motorcycle safety.
For more SPaM goodness go HERE
Next week’s SPaM features blog darling Megan from VeryNormal!
If you’d like a feature post on SPaM, contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
People…have I’ve got news for you. I’ve stumbled onto a blog that just may be the best kept secret in WordPress. With posts that run the gamut from poignant stories of a schoolmate named Ricky to hilarious tales of dysfunctional automatic toilets, Sightsnbytes’s Blog is penned (typed, keyed, input?) by a man with a knack for story-telling that Newfoundlanders (Newfies) are famous for. Seriously, this guy makes Garrison Keillor look like a hack. For today’s SPaM post I’m pleased to feature the best thing to come out of Canada since Wayne Gretzky. Please welcome to SPaM:
TED FROM SIGHTSNBYTES’S BLOG!
**** 1. As a Newfoundlander, what do you find is the best thing about island living, and what poses the greatest challenge?
The best thing about island living is being cut off from the rest of the world, the greatest challenge is being cut off from the rest of the world
**** 2. After a bit of research I discovered that your island home is famous for it’s storytelling. How much of your cultural surroundings influence your blog posts?
Growing up in rural Newfoundland (how much more rural can you get than a community of just 80 homes, miles from the nearest town where everyone related to you), gives me lots of material for my writings. I come from a place where there really wasn’t much other to do than tell stories, so I guess this gift comes by quite honestly.
**** 3. You have a category dedicated to books. What is your favorite read ever, and what are you currently reading now that you would recommend?
My fav book ever was Brave New World, and right now I am reading the F. Scott Wilson book “The Tomb” (Repair Man Jack).
**** 4. My favorite post of yours was one entitled, “Those things we do sometimes.” In it you discuss giving your boss a rather “randy” secret Santa gift. You have a unique sense of humor to say the least, and I was curious as to where your particular brand of humor comes from.
That was quite a laugh, again, my surroundings and the fact that I am a Newfie, probably give me the sense of humor that I have, plus, I didn’t really like that job and if I got fired, at least I would have a great story to tell.
**** 5. Since I have elected/coerced/down right forced you to speak on behalf of all Canada, what would you say is the greatest misconception other nations have about Canadians?
The greatest misconception that other nations, especially the US, have the notion that all Canadians have dog sleds and a team of huskies, and that we live in igloos. I have a terrier and a pomeranian, and the only sled I have is an old Ski-Doo snowmobile in the shed outside.
For more Canadian SPaM goodness follow Sightsnbytes’s Blog
For more SPaM click HERE
Gear up for next week’s SPaM with guest blogger Gina from MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT
The recent death of Andy Rooney has left today’s media with the loss of his signature commentaries. So I’ve decided to use today’s SPaM post to feature a name you’re likely to see more and more in the upcoming days. A man whose name is synonymous with ethical, responsible journalism and whose reputation for excellence in reporting current events rivals the standards set by greats like Cronkite, Murrow and Rivera. Ladies and Gentleman I give you….Talker96.
Thank you, it’s a pleasure to be here.
Quick little factoid before we start off though, Andy Rooney, while his death was very sad, he has actually been dead for a few years now. CBS panicked and covered it up when he died, then his body was placed in a cryogenic freezer somewhere in Scottsdale, Az. The reports you saw these last few years were spliced and edited clips from his past commentaries. How he died is where the mystery lies though. A lot of people said the head of CBS killed him after finding Andy in bed with his wife, but I have my doubts as it seems to easy of an explanation and Andy was A-sexual. The person I think is responsible for the murder of Andy Rooney is Pedro Palomar, a South American drug lord with ties to Scientology (where a large portion of his drug profits go). If you want to learn more about the case you should check out the Wesley Snipes actioner, Drop Zone, which is loosely based on Rooney’s life.
That being said, thank you for the wonderful opening, I agree that more people should be hearing my name. Now lets get to the questions shall we?
**** 1. One of your timelier articles tackles the controversial subject of bi-curious penguins. What did you learn from your research into the secret lives of potentially homosexual arctic foul, and do you feel their struggles for acceptance into mainstream society has had a causative effect on the repeal of the United States Military’s “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy?
Great question. Let’s see, when that piece was written Penguins were having a hard time gaining any ground with society. They had just been hit hard with two separate population killers, the Bird Flu and then a year later, Penguin A.I.D.S. They were struggling to survive and at the same time trying to just figure out their place in this crazy world. When scientists went down to the Arctic for the study you spoke of they found they were not necessarily Homosexual, just a little bi-curious, and that usually only lasted a few years(scientists also found a U.F.O buried deep in the snow covered ground, sadly none of them lived and the shape shifting creature that killed them disappeared, many think it might have morphed into film star Kurt Russel (star of Tango and Cash) but I believe it became Keith David (star of They Live), the only way to know for sure is to give them a blood test)Penguins have had a revival of some sorts recently though and have been well accepted back into society. With Surfs Up, Happy Feet and March of the Penguins, people are all to forgiving in their thoughts of the flightless bird. I think the view of the penguin shifted when one appeared on an episode of Will & Grace. When that happened we saw a bird that not only was funny, but had his shit together as well, that made people see them in a new way which was great and it also showed that they had chemistry with Halle Berry (also co-staring in the episode), leading up to their first feature film together this summer.
As for the don’t ask, don’t tell policy, penguins are probably the sole reason for it being repealed, which is stupid because they don’t allow birds in the military.
**** 2. Your quality news reports often delve into the realm of conjecture, as seen in your Pulitzer Prize winning article entitled simply, SMURF. What new information have you uncovered as of late in the rapidly advancing scientific field of Cryptozoology?
The Smurf Hunter profiled in that post is apparently still out there looking for it. While I don’t believe there are any blue Smurfs out in the Appalachians, I have in the recent years written about numerous other creatures that have proven to be real. Creatures like the the South American Brass Monkey, which was found by Beastie Boys rapper Adam Horowitz, or the Feral Cow, which used to only be a legend around South Texas but was proven to be a very real and deadly reality. If these things exist then who knows, Bigfoot could be waiting to be found as well. After all, he was spotted at a Macy’s a while back, looking for clothes during their One Day sale (I wrote an article about it, check out Talker96.WordPress.com for more). While some of it probably isn’t real, like the Loch Ness monster, mothman or girls that say humor, not looks, is the deciding factor in how they choose a guy, those things are only legend and therefore not real, but whose to say there can’t be creatures in the night waiting to be found? It’s fun to think about isn’t it?
**** 3. It has come to light that an episode of your acclaimed series entitled, THE FRENCHMAN, which follows the travails of a chain-smoking, passive-aggressive French patriot was found while excavating a vault. What prompted you to publish said work, but more importantly, how has Tom Jones managed to maintain a loyal following for what is now nearly fifty years?
Before we get into The Frenchman I must correct you (Talker96 takes a sip of water), while it was a series that was enjoyed by quite a few people, it was never acclaimed. I just thought I should clear that up. Don’t get me wrong, it should be acclaimed, but it never was.(takes another sip) At the time I think it was to new of an idea. I mean, now the television channels are filled with reality programing, but back then it was scary for viewers to see through the eyes of someone else, let alone a French someone else. I would love to bring it back though, well see…
Tom Jones? Not a day goes by where I am not asked about him and what it was like to write What’s new Pussycat with him. A lot of people will say his appeal lies in his penis size and tight pants, I’m here to say though, that’s not it. What makes the public love him so is that they can tell he is a genuinely nice guy. That’s it. He’s super nice and a joy to work for. There’s the big secret.
**** 4. In addition to timely reporting I see you have a page devoted to your artwork. Tell our readers what would motivate a man accustomed to the rigorous standards of journalistic integrity to expose himself to scrutiny by choosing to display such stunning examples of artistic mediocrity?
My artwork most definitely is my true love, it used to be film star Jennifer Connolly but now it’s my artwork. Thank you for speaking so highly of it. The New York Times once did a piece on it and said that my art is “like looking into the eyes of a cat, you don’t know how you feel about it but you’re still looking.” While that’s a fine description I prefer to say my art is like a My dick joke, meaning my dick is so big it’s in the other room making us drinks. I think that sums it up very well, don’t you?
All I can say about my art is that it’s a very humbling experience creating it, yet it’s still created.
**** 5. Lastly, what would you bring to the CBS news table in the form of your own signature commentary stylings, slick fashion sense or celebrity media fellatio?
Ha, great hardball question. I think I would bring wondrously stylish commentary in my own signature sense, all the while the celebrity media performs fellatio on me under the table. It’s something the whole family can enjoy and then talk about what they learned later.
Follow Talker96 and his “unacclaimed” series:
More SPaM goodness next week with Sightsnbytes’s Blog
For your own SPaM contact: email@example.com
Hey…did anyone remember today is Monday? Because I COMPLETELY forgot. I blame the time change. And Canada. So instead of a helping of SPaM, I’ve decided to include something a little LESS palatable. Because if I have to know about this, then so do you. Thanks, Urethra.