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THE HELLIS 100

Happy Blogiversary To Me!

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TODAY IS THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF MY BLOG! TO COMMEMORATE THIS AUSPICIOUS OCCASION I HAVE DECIDED TO RERUN MY VERY FIRST BLOG POST.

PLEASE TO ENJOY…

So yeah, I wrote a book.

I must have been high when I wrote it because there’s no other explanation I can give for my 120,000 word upper YA novel where the only noun I used more than “boner” was “blood.” It goes without saying that I’m self-published. I didn’t even try to submit it traditionally. Can you just imagine the poor agent who gets my query letter?

“My novel, THE GODS OF ASPHALT is complete at 120,000 words and is the first in a series of five books that for some reason I’ve decided to write out-of-order. Each one is told from the point of view of a teenage male protagonist who has exactly zero supernatural powers (unless you consider perpetual erections a superpower). Oh, and it also has Spanish subtitles.”

Yeah.

On the good side, if you’re like me and are just a little too into music, motorcycles and all around badassery this is the book for you. If you’re not, I’m sure Jodi Picoult’s got a blog somewhere. You can find the opening to chapter one at the top of the page under the tab GOA REVIEWS and you can find my book on line at:

SMASHWORDS

AMAZON


The Hellis 100 (91-100)

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Sadly I have reached the end of The Hellis 100 series. What was supposed to be an exercise in creative writing has turned out to be the typical mish-mash of utter nonsense and verbal shenanigans that readers have come to expect in my blog posts. So if you clicked here expecting to find more of the same, I invite you to pull up a chair and prepare to be disappointed because I have written a post that scrapes the bottom of the creativity barrel. That’s right folks, I give you:

THE TOP TEN THINGS YOU WISH YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT H.E. ELLIS

10. I AM TERRIFIED OF MILK.

I refuse to be in a room with someone who is drinking milk or eating a bowl of cereal (yes, my poor children ate Cheerios dry). I will gag at the sound of someone slurping milk and vomit the instant I see a milk mustache. I do, however, take cream in my coffee. Can’t explain that.

9. I AM A CLOSET GOTH.

Yes, I am a total Gothlette. Or at least I was before Twilight fans corrupted the genre. I’ve seen Marilyn Manson in concert more times than I’ve willingly gone to church; I’ve lived in black eyeliner and torn fishnets and have listened to Bauhaus so many times that the words “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” have lost all meaning. Hell, I even married a Vampire. Man it sucks to grow up.

8. I’M OFTEN TOLD THAT THE SEXIEST THING ABOUT ME IS MY VOICE.

Not sure how I feel about that.

7. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE TATTOOED MEN.

Blame it on my strict Catholic upbringing or my even stricter Navy father, but there is just something so unbelievably sexy to me about men and their tattoos. For the record I have exactly zero tattoos. I know, I make no sense.

6. I CAN RIDE ROLLERCOASTERS ALL DAY LONG, BUT I WILL THROW UP IF I GO ON KIDDIE RIDES THAT TURN IN A CIRCLE.

5. I AM AL PACINO’S COUSIN.

Somehow…distantly… Al Pacino and I are related. He has no idea I exist. He and my daughter have the same eyes.

4. I DON’T EAT ITALIAN FOOD, SODA OR ANYTHING THAT CONTAINS SUGAR.

Yeah, I’ll admit it. I don’t much like pasta; I abhor anything fizzy and I absolutely DESPISE cookies. Let the lynching begin.

3. I CAN DO AMAZING TRICKS WITH MY TONGUE.

Yeah, it’s not as awesome as it sounds.

2. I CAN COUNT TO TEN IN SEVEN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES.

They are English, French, German, Italian, Korean, Russian and Spanish.

1. I AM A CLOSET BAD MOVIE/TELEVISION JUNKIE.

I never miss an episode of Vampire Diaries (DAMON!) and I’ve seen Freddy Got Fingered so many times I can quote it in my sleep. Don’t you judge me.


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