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I Prank You Not

In recognition of April Fool’s Day I scored a rare opportunity to sit down with the God of Mischief, Loki.

HE: “Hello Loki. Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to speak with me and my readers.”

LOKI: “Hi.”

HE: “Uh, that’s it? ‘Hi?’”

LOKI: “Well, I’ve got a lot on my plate. You do realize what day this is, right? Nice fucking time management there, Chickie.” Read the rest of this page »

Interview with the King of the Leprechauns

Today for our holiday interview we are lucky to have with us Fergus O’Malley, King of the Leprechauns.

You seem angry, Fergus. Can you tell us why?

Because of today, that’s why. We Leprechauns spend every Saint Paddy’s Day in hiding.

But I would have thought you’d be happy on Saint Patrick’s Day. Isn’t it an Irish holiday?

Saint Patrick can kiss my arse. His holiday has nuttin’ to do with Leprechauns or the Irish. It has to do with him bein’ chuffed and converting pagans to Christians. Patty boy can take his church and stuff it. Read the rest of this page »

Ode to Robert Downey Jr – by David Ellis

photoFellow Blogger and surname-sharer David Ellis and I occasionally joke about being related. After reading his Ode to Robert Downey Jr I am convinced more than ever that we are indeed kin.

You see, I am such a huge fan of RDJr that it borders on embarrassing. This man does it all; acts, sings, wanders aimlessly in drug-induced stupors to crash in random strangers’ beds. What’s not to love?

But seriously, how can you not admire a grown man who is Iron Man one moment and dances as a back-up singer the next? I’ll let David honor him with his following poem: Read the rest of this page »

It’s….CUPID!!!

As Valentine’s Day approaches I thought it only appropriate to interview the most wanted man, uh…boy in the world. I’m talking about the one, the only….CUPID.

CUPID – Pleasure to be here. Despite this being my busy time of year, I can always find time for you H.E., you helped my blog become what it is today and for that my heart is ever at your service…..You know, if you wanted I could set you up with somebody? I still feel bad about your last relationship. In my defense though, you were the one who fucked that up. Cupid’s arrow is rarely wrong and sometimes you got to give a little to get a little if you know what I mean….

***** So tell the readers, what is the hardest part being the God of Desire?

CUPID – The hardest part? My cock.

* silence *

Nah, I’m just fucking with you. Nothing like a little dirty humor to lighten the mood. Seriously though, the hardest part has got to be humanity. Fifty years ago this would not have been my answer, I mean, fifty years ago people knew how to make a commitment to one another. Now everyone is so needy and expects so much from the person they are with, no one knows how to stay in anything longer than a few years. Its sad really. I blame the hippie generation for this. All that free love fucked up real love for the rest of you. Well, that and women’s lib. Give me the days where I just shot a guy with love and never had to worry about what the woman wanted, because if she didn’t go with the guy I shot then he would just take her. It sounds bad but god-damn it made my job easier.

***** What’s with the bow and arrow?

CUPID – Are you serious? They’re fucking magic, that’s what! It brings forth love and happiness and shit to all that the arrows pierce….Whats with the….Look, if you find a magic shotgun for sale then I’ll buy it, but since there is no such thing, I’ll stick to my bow and arrow thank you very much..

***** How does love in the twenty-first century differ from say, the Renaissance period?

CUPID – Two words, E- Harmony. Them and all those other find love web sites that have popped up since the internet began. Back in the good ole days you didn’t have to fill out a twenty questions exam to get shacked up with somebody, you trusted my arrow to make the right connection. Now though, since these computer cupids have shown up, love is down, STDs are up and the murder rate in Juarez, Mexico has skyrocketed.

That last one has nothing to do with what we are talking about, I just got done reading a book about Juarez and that crap just keeps slipping out, sorry. You get my…..shit….what was my point…….Oh yeah, the Renaissance! It was different.

***** Have you ever missed an intended target? 

CUPID(long pause) On the record, no. Off the record, fuck yeah.

Look, it’s not easy, this job I mean. Its a ton of pressure for one God,you people are so fucking needy, especially you women. From now on, why not just say what it is you’re really looking for in a guy. First off, sense of humor is not that fucking important to you, so stop saying it first. It would make my job and your connection to your true love so much easier to make.That being said, I’ve fucked up here and there throughout time….Do I regret doing it? No, I rack it up to learning experiences…….I do feel bad about Whitney Houston though, I never should have introduced her to Bobby. That was my bad and for that I apologize.

Otherwise, mistakes or no mistakes, once that arrow hits you it’s no longer my problem. Love can happen anywhere, but I can only do so much, it’s up to you to make it work. Here’s an example, that teacher that slept with her student a few years back. You remember, right? She slept with him, got pregnant, got busted, got fired, got jail time, had the baby, got out of jail and then, got back together with him. That’s dedication people. It’s also a tale of love through the toughest of obstacles. What she did was wrong, there’s no doubt about it, I messed that one up, but in the end the love prevailed. All you humans see are the bad things in the people that I hook you up with, somehow you stop seeing the good after being with someone awhile. I never understood this, because the second you break it off, suddenly all you remember are the good qualities, the things that were always there but you would look past. Everyone fights, everyone has issues, it’s up to you to work past them and make it last. Not me.

***** Mythology tells us you inherited this job from your mother, Venus. Tell me, how did it feel growing up with the original MILF as your mom?

CUPID- My mother only talked to me when she wanted something from me. She is a vain, manipulative, alcoholic and I hated growing up with her as a mom. Did you ever see the movie Mommy Dearest? Imagine that but in God form, that’s how my childhood was. I’ve got so many issues because of her I had to cancel my subscription. We haven’t seen each other in years.

***** The identity of your father has never been made public, although Mars has been a popular suspect throughout history. How true are the rumors that you are scheduled to appear on an episode of THE MAURY POVICH SHOW with the intent to confront him with a paternity test?

CUPID- What? Where did you hear that? Of course it’s not true! There’s no need. I found out years ago who my real father was and it certainly wasn’t Mars. No, no, my father lives in Florida, his name is Dale Gibbons and he’s a retired nightclub owner from Miami. Cool guy actually.

***** Was it difficult growing up as an obese child with obvious bladder control problems?

CUPID – All those paintings and sculptures were taken when I was going through a growth stage of my life. Look at me now! Fit, tan and with 12 pack abs. Do I look anything like those pictures? No. I worked hard to get past those looks. Jenny Craig helped of course, but it was mostly me and my dedication to get fit that did it.

And as far as the bladder control goes, I don’t know where that got started. I never wore a diaper, I always went in the nude back then. Censorship is a bitch. Some people can’t handle the male nude form so you got to cover it up, that’s where the diaper comes in.

***** Fill us in on your unfortunate accident where you accidentally shot yourself and fell in love with Psyche?

CUPID – You’re getting these questions from Wikipedia, right? See, that’s why you don’t trust a user controlled reference site, they get it all wrong usually. Okay, you want the real story between me and Psyche? Here goes…

My mom comes to me one day complaining about this chick, saying she’s taking all her worshipers and shit. So mom asks me to go over to this girls place and make her fall in love with the most vile thing I could think of. High as a kite and pissed off because I was in the middle of a game when I was summoned, Saints Row 3 I think, we get all the games before humans do, its one of the perks of being a God, I grabbed my bow and arrows and flew over to her house.

As I’m sneaking into her room I’m trying my best to be extra quiet, but you know how when you’re trying to be quiet every sound is amplified, like, a thousand times? Well that’s what was happening in that room. Every step seemed to cascade through the whole house, and me being high certainly didn’t help.

Finally I get real close to her and start to pull out an arrow, as I’m doing this, her little Min Pin comes running up, yapping the whole way. It scared the shit out of me and I dropped the arrow. I hated that dog. Twinkles was his name. Can you believe that? The dog was totally gay too, he used to try and hump one of the guards dogs, a big German Shepard named KrissKross, it was hilarious.

Anyway, I dropped my arrow and it scraped her foot. Not me like Wikipedia would have you believe, but hers. She wakes up, bing, bang, boom, she sees me, falls in love and hasn’t left me alone since.

In the beginning it was cool. I would sneak over for some late night tail and scurry off again, but after a while it started to get a little stale. I think she saw how I was feeling and figured that the only way to keep me around was to get pregnant.  When I found out I was pissed! I totally wasn’t ready to be a dad, I’m still not but it is what it is. In the end we are all responsible for our actions and so I had a kid with her. If you’re looking for morals that’s about as good as it gets. Wrap that shit unless you want a world of shit. Either that or stick to stickin’ the back door, if you get my drift.

***** So, is the God of Desire dating anyone at the moment?

CUPID – Jen Aniston. Six months now. It’s nice I guess.

 

Bigotry Sucks

H.E. ELLIS:

Another timely Rant…

Originally posted on BrainRants:

You know by now I exist in a fairly cloistered little world here in my military bubble.  It takes effort to poke

View original 519 more words

Chuck Palahniuk: Spirit Animal or Cock-blocker?

imagesH6UEV3ET“Are you there, Satan? It’s me, Madison.”

This is the opening to Chuck Palahniuk’s novel DAMNED, a story about an angsty teen dead girl and her journey through Hell. Or more accurately, the story I’d have written if I’d been, you know, a better writer.

My new years resolution to make my writing a priority ended the moment I finished the book DAMNED, and was forced to face the reality that my writing sucks balls compared to Chuck Palahniuk’s.

I’d like to tell you this revelation prompted me to get busy on a book of my own, working with all the drive and ambition of a writer inspired by Palahniuk’s genius to, as Neil Gaiman put it, “Make good art.” But it didn’t. Instead I curled up in a ball and cried like the giant hack baby that I am. I also haven’t written a word since.

That’s because I have my own personal cock-blocker, and his name is Chuck Palahniuk.

So why all the literary flacidity, you ask? Well I’ll tell you why.

[I'm going to give you my answer at the end of this next passage because it builds suspense. It's a technique good writers use, or so I've heard]

The book world is filled with writers whose work makes me feel like I’ve been junk-punched in the literary genitals. One of them is James Ellroy. Take for example the opening of his pulp-fiction inspired novel, L.A. CONFIDENTIAL:

“An abandoned auto court in the San Berdoo foothills; Buzz Meeks checked in with ninety-four thousand dollars, eighteen pounds of high-grade heroin, a 10-gauge pump, a .38 special, a .45 automatic and a switchblade he’d bought off a pachuco at the border—right before he spotted the car parked across the line: Mickey Cohen goons in an LAPD unmarked, Tijuana cops standing by to bootjack a piece of his goodies, dump his body in the San Ysidro River.”

Only Ellroy can write a 78-word sentence about grizzly murder and police brutality and craft it to read as high poetry. In lesser hands this opening would have been a disaster. I am sure if I were tasked with the challenge of writing this novel I’d have Bucknered all over it (for all you non-New Englanders out there scratching your collective heads at the word BUCKNER, click HERE and feel my pain).

Another dream-crusher is Chuck Bukowski. Take for example his poem SOME PEOPLE: 

some people never go crazy.
me, sometimes I’ll lie down behind the couch
for 3 or 4 days.
they’ll find me there.
it’s Cherub, they’ll say, and
they pour wine down my throat
rub my chest
sprinkle me with oils.
then, I’ll rise with a roar,
rant, rage -
curse them and the universe
as I send them scattering over the
lawn.
I’ll feel much better,
sit down to toast and eggs,
hum a little tune,
suddenly become as lovable as a
pink
overfed whale.
some people never go crazy.
what truly horrible lives
they must lead.

I doubt Nicholas Sparks ever wrote a poem like that, the epic tool. Now I’ll admit that Bukowski is not for everyone, but personally, I cannot get enough of him. Seriously people, I hear Roberta Flack’s voice inside my head whenever I read his work. Whenever I read my stuff all I hear is Bobcat Goldthwait.

I admire Stephen King for his mastery of characterization and worship Neil Gaiman for, well, everything, but Chuck Palahniuk is the only writer who ever made me WANT to write. His literary voice and story lines are so eerily similar to mine that I have to wonder if we are related somehow. For me, reading one of his novels is like reliving painful childhood memories spent with a better-looking, ultra-talented sibling, feeling the push-pull of striving to be like him only to hate him when I fail in comparison. Now I truly know how it feels to be an Oakland Raiders fan.

So at the end of the day what does all this self-contemplation/flagellation mean? Why it means I am an insipid douche-bag writer, that’s what it means. It means that instead of wasting my time lamenting why I will never be as successful as my heroes, I need to get busy, you know, writing. It means it’s time to get my head out of my ass and get my ass to my desk.

Yeah. Easier said than done.

Twisted Fictioneer Interview with Edward Hotspur

hotspur-t-shirtIt’s time for another interview with a member of THE TWISTED FICTIONEERS, a group of authors who collaborate on charity writing projects such as ICONIC INTERVIEWS and F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES. Every Wednesday and Saturday we will feature an interview from a different author who has contributed to our writing ventures.

Since today is none other than Edward Hotspur’s birthday, I thought it fitting to feature his interview and get a glimpse into the mind of this blogger extraordinaire. For those of you out there who reside under rocks and who may not know, Edward Hotspur has written everything from a disenfranchised Tom Turkey to shameless Elf Erotica to all points and posts in between. His STORIES blog page alone is enough to keep a reader busy straight through to the Rapture. Luckily for us, we won’t have to wait that long to find out what makes the great EH tick. So raise your glasses and toast another year to:

EDWARD HOTSPUR

 

When did you know you wanted to be a writer?

When I could imagine.

Do you prefer to write in a specific genre and if so, why?

I would prefer to – however, my brain won’t let me, which is why I have a hard time finishing anything. I can write posts, but they are all over the place, as you can tell from my blog.

What techniques do you use when crafting your writing day to day that keeps you focused on the plot and storyline?

During successful writing times, I totally visualized the scene, and visualized myself as the main character in that scene, then just described what I saw and how I felt. Another technique is to take a real situation, and make it absurd. Sometimes in life you can do that without much tweaking.

Many readers will probably be offended by F*cked Up Fairy Tales and/or Iconic Interviews. What is your message behind the irreverence?

Mine was “OH MY GOD I’M WRITING FILTH!” – which I tried to disguise as ‘dirty and monogamous need not be mutually exclusive’, or ‘romance is extremely sexy’, or something… hey! Look over there!

What is the most challenging aspect of the mechanics of writing for you, and how do you overcome it?

I can write all day long in short bursts. I can hit publish. I can’t seem to edit for books, and that’s why I have enough stuff for 10 books, but only have basically one done, and that only electronically.

There is art and science involved in writing. What is your favorite aspect of writing in the context of its art?

Describing the scene. Freedom to create. Spaghetti on the wall technique.

Ten years from now, what are you writing?

Scenes From A Lear Jet? Scenes From A Tropical Island?

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 And now for a little something extra we bring you…

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TEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT EDWARD HOTSPUR!

1. What would you consider to be your best personality trait?

Stubbornness. Persistence is an incredibly powerful tool, but….

2. What do you think is your worst personality trait?

Stubbornness. …when it crosses over into ‘going for the kill’, it can be bad.

3. You wake up Saturday morning and everyone has left you alone for the day. What do you do?

Things that I can’t do with a bunch of people in the house. Typically things that involve shutting off the water, the power, or both.

4. Name one person, living or dead, who you’d like to take to dinner:

Sidney Poitier. No, seriously, my wife. We rarely get that chance.

5. If you could choose a superpower, what would it be and why?

Hard to say. Time travel would be nice, but so would healing, speaking any language, or immortality.

6. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Assuming that certain conditions existed, I’d live in Florida, and have houses in England and Japan.

7. Your favorite book/favorite meal/favorite sport:

Book – hard to say. Impossible. Meal – steak, because rare. Getting steak, not the condition of the steak. Sport – Child rearing. Wait, what?….. Oh, okay. Then I like hockey.

8. Your favorite movie/food/song that you secretly like but don’t want to admit:

There are no songs that I like that I wouldn’t admit to liking.

9. What job do you wish you had?

Writer, rock star, club owner, etc. Something fluid and creative, but that still requires structure.

10. Your favorite swear word:

“James Lipton.” Just kidding. It’s ‘fuck’, including all its variants.

 

FEATURED EDWARD HOTSPUR WORK:

TOM TURKEY

THE ELVES AND THE SHOEMAKER (The Passion of Suspiria and Mister Dead)

 

CLICK HERE TO WISH EDWARD HOTSPUR A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

CAPRICORN – The Insipid Wanker of the Blogosphere

capricorn

12zodiacsigns.wordpress.com

In honor of the New Year and for all the impending January birthdays around blogworld (including my own) I’ve decided to draw a parallel between various bloggers and their coordinating astrological signs. I plan on doing one of these at the beginning of every month for each sign, so stick around and see just how close I get to yours.

Today I begin with my own sign which is:

Capricorn

Here is a brief overview of Capricorns in all their glory:

  • They tend to lecture other people about life and how to survive it.
  • They are hard-workers and status seekers.
  • Often mistakenly viewed as “elitists.”
  • Capricorns treat their friends very well and, in some cases, even prefer they company to that of anyone else.
  • Capricorns are deep, mysterious and full of intrigue and there always seems to be something going on in their minds.

Ah, yes…Capricorn. The answer to the question nobody asked.

We’re the bloggers who always have something witty and insightful to say, whether you wanted to hear it or not. We’ve asked all the right questions, know all the right answers and have little time or patience for your opinion on the matter (although secretly we love when you leave comments that allow us to show off our verbal acuity). 

Most of us are ambitious enough to write at least one blog post a day, sometimes more, but never on the same topic. We wax poetic about everything. We enjoy mocking the status quo more than regurgitating it because really, where is the challenge in that? And speaking of challenges, we are all about winning- even in blogworld. We Capricorns believe WordPress should have a little box dedicated just to us and our blog posts. I mean, come on? Who is better at writing anything than we are? Am I right? Am I?

Alright, let’s move on to love and relationships. Here’s what the interwebs have to say about Capricorn men:

“While a Capricorn male might display what could be termed as an aggressive behavior when it comes to getting what he wants, beneath that façade is a shy and introverted guy. Don’t misinterpret his shyness as being disinterested. He just doesn’t know how to express his emotions without feeling self-conscious in the process.”

Apparently the Universe has decided that all date-rapists are to be born between December and January. Not being one to judge, let’s hear what the interwebs have got to say about us Capricorn women:

“You want to love and be loved, but when the feeling starts to blossom, something always seems to stop you from acknowledging it and pursuing it.”

I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE ALL THINKING AND YOU’RE WRONG! THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT LOVE, I’M TELLING YOU! LOVE!

Perverts.

It is widely accepted in astrological circles that the best mate for any particular zodiac sign is to be paired with one of his or her own kind. That being said, astrologists everywhere are in agreement that the WORST romantic pairing for a Capricorn is…

Oh…crap.

So in conclusion, I’ll sum up my evaluation of the Blogger Capricorn with this synopsis of our sign:

“Capricorn has a certain exclusive side to its nature, often preferring to associate itself with people it deems worthy.”

In other words, we know we’re the shit, but we think you are too.

Stay tuned next month for AQUARIUS – THE REBEL WITHOUT A CLUE.

Best Star Trek Episode EVER.

Finally! An episode of STAR TREK I can get into!

Twisted Fictioneer Interview with Kayjai

It’s time for another interview with a member of THE TWISTED FICTIONEERS, a group of authors who collaborate on charity writing projects such as ICONIC INTERVIEWS and F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES. Every Wednesday and Saturday we will feature an interview from a different author who has contributed to our writing ventures.

Whether writing from the perspective of Santa’s Shugga Mama, or penning a clown-choking mime in her twisted version of Sleeping Beauty, this hot Mama from the Great White North proves she can hold her own with the best of them. A ninja with the word fuck, her weapon of choice is a keyboard (and a little wine never hurt, either).

Breakout the corkscrew for our Twisted Fictioneer interview with:

KAYJAI

When did you know you wanted to be a writer?

When I discovered I write better than I speak.

Do you prefer to write in a specific genre and if so, why?

Personally, I like humor but when I write fiction, there’s usually a mystery element to it.

What techniques do you use when crafting your writing day to day that keeps you focused on the plot and storyline?

I don’t write everyday, but I try to write an outline before actually starting on any heavy duty writing. I then try to revert back to the outline as I go along.

Many readers will probably be offended by F*cked Up Fairy Tales and/or Iconic Interviews. What is your message behind the irreverence?

I don’t have a message. It’s just all in fun…remember, fun? Yeah,.

What is the most challenging aspect of the mechanics of writing for you, and how do you overcome it?

Getting started is always the toughest part. I try to sip some coffee, read some blogs, watch my dog scratch herself and then stare at the blank screen for a few minutes before doing a gagillion other things. Then I get drunk and write. There. Ma process.

There is art and science involved in writing. What is your favorite aspect of writing in the context of its art?

I have no idea. I write whatever the alcohol brings out in my mind at the time. As for art and science, as long as there is no math involved, I’m all good.

Ten years from now, what are you writing?

My memoirs, or more aptly titled “Kayjai’s Fucked up Fairy Tale”. Yeah.

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 And now for a little something extra we bring you…

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TEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT KAYJAI!

 

1. What would you consider to be your best personality trait?

My kindness and compassion for the woodland animals…and ma sarcasm.

2. What do you think is your worst personality trait?

My sarcasm…especially when it offends innocent bystanders. They should never stand so close to me.

3. You wake up Saturday morning and everyone has left you alone for the day. What do you do?

Read…

4. Name one person, living or dead, who you’d like to take to dinner:

Serious answer: My brother

Other answer: Mother Theresa…she hardly ever ate out.

5. If you could choose a superpower, what would it be and why?

My super power would be the ability to fly…I think. Reading minds would be cool, too. Of course reading minds while flying could be considered ONE superpower, right?

6. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Somewhere more tropical than 50 feet of snow and minus 25.

7. Your favorite book/favorite meal/favorite sport:

Fave Book: My Favourite Stories, Alice Munro. She’s kinda ma hero

Fave meal: Lasagna

Fave sport: Sex. What? It’s a sport!

8. Your favorite movie/food/song that you secretly like but don’t want to admit:

I like a Nickleback song…don’t tell anybody.

9. What job do you wish you had?

Professional writer

10. Your favorite swear word:

It’s pretty fucking obvious, but I’ll spell it out for you. F-U-C-K. It kinda says it all, doesn’t it?

FEATURED KAYJAI WORK:

INTERVIEW WITH BROWN SHUGGA

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Let’s Play…Guess the Twisted Fictioneer

bsThe author of this particular piece is tomorrow’s featured Twisted Fictioneer. Can you guess who it is?

Good morning!  I have landed an exclusive with a personality not often featured in the stories concerning Santa Claus and the ongoing drama surrounding him.  Today, I am interviewing Lashonda Jefferson, otherwise known as Brown Shugga.  Good morning La… uhm, Ms. Shugga.

B.S.: You can call me, Shugga honey.  Everybody does.

H.E.: I have to ask up front, what got you into this life, and why did you pick a corner in the North Pole?

B.S.: Baby, that’s one hell of a long story involving wayward elves and their love of…well, let’s just say they like them some brown shugga, you know what I’m sayin’ honey?  Anyways, it’s damn cold on up in here if you don’t have nothin’ to keep you warm at night, and that Mrs. Claus, well she’s just plain crazy, you feel me?  One of them elves just decided that Santa needed some good ol’ fashioned TLC if you get my drift, and he dragged my ass up and I’ve been here ever since.  Can’t seem to get nobody to take me back and I can’t say I evah want to leave.

H.E.: Can you relate to the audience how the night of Mr. Claus’ arrest went down?

B.S.: I know that Kris is pissed at Brown Shugga, but I never set nobody up to take no fall!  He was out, ya know lookin’ to score some Shugga *wink* and some coke.  Of course, Shugga always takes care of her clients…especially them ‘high profile’ ones…Some bitch who was lookin’ to take over ma territory and ma man come outta nowhere and offered Kris her stuff!!  Can you imagine?!! Well, I ain’t dealin’ with that bitch and I beat her ass.  She tryin’ to hustle poor Kris into thinkin’ that she…that…that….HO!  Fuckin’ whitey she was…she was a plant, a fuckin’ cop, I know it!  I can smell a pig…anyways, next thing ya know me and Santa Baby in cuffs and bein’ dragged down to the station like common criminals! He was downright mean and nasty after that!  Whew, baby you ain’t seen nobody with a temper like that fucker…

H.E.: I see.  And you were then released with charges dropped in exchange for your information, true?

B.S.: Baby, Brown Shugga ain’t been charged with nothin’ and ain’t gonna be charged with nothin’.  I was simply providin’ a service.  Good ol’ fashioned satisfyin’ the demands of the area, if ya get ma drift.  As for white bitch, she got what was comin’ to her…I got yo information right here, baby! (clutches her crotch) Hehehe..no, really. I gots lots of information and it’s all written down in ma – well, let’s just say Shugga is well protected.

H.E.: I have sources that also maintain that you and a certain D.A. have an ongoing ‘special relationship.’  Can you comment on that?

B.S.: Oh, ya mean…well, we been friends for years.  He and I have an understandin’….he lets me live ma life and I give him some well-deserved R&R if you feel me…he certainly does…hehehe…hey.  You hungry?  You little on the thin side…want some of my tuna salad?  I made it this mornin’ while I was takin’ a break…

H.E.:  Oh… no.  I just do not like tuna, thanks.  Moving on, what is the nature of your relationship to LeMonjello Otis?

B.S.:  Oh, dear LeMon he been tailin’ ma ass for years. He can’t hurt nobody, fucked up little fool.  He talks big and all, but he’s really small in the, ya know, dick department.  Shugga knows how to make him feel more like a man, but fuck, he’s really sm-

H.E.: Are the rumors of you launching a daytime talk show on the Oprah Network true?

B.S.: Oprah?!  Baby, me and Oprah are like THAT (crosses fingers) Sista knows how to talk and Shugga is more than willin’ to let her all the way to Shugga’s bank account….anywho, it’s just talk right now.  We’ll see how things go, ya know with Kris and his problems an’ all…crazy bitch wife ain’t makin’ easy on ‘im though…fucker needs some good lawyerin’ up…

H.E.:  One last question – just how big is Santa’s – er, sleigh?

B.S.: Honey, Shugga don’t kiss an’ tell…but I can say he ain’t no magical elf for nothin’…hehehe…

STAY TUNED FOR OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT OF THE SANTA SHAME SPIRAL WHERE WE SIT DOWN WITH NONE OTHER THAN RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER!

SANTA SPAM ONE

SANTA SPAM TWO

SANTA SPAM THREE

INTERVIEW WITH FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

INTERVIEW WITH LEMONJELLO OTIS

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Long Awkward Pause

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the internet equivalent to blueberry waffles cover in bacon.............. mmmmmmm........bacon

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Little treasures discovered while exploring the back roads of life

anntogether.com

with her paper brain, artwork, giant husband, two teens, two dogs, dog-eared and daily dreams she has nightly...

Rendezvous With Renee

'She is delightfully chaotic; a beautiful mess. Loving her is a splendid adventure.' ~ Steve Maraboli~

Infinitefreetime.com

The blog of Luther M. Siler, Teacher/ Word-maker-dude/ Wanker for hire

Pouring My Art Out

Ripping out my guts for your entertainment

Long Awkward Pause

A Humor Mag Of Sorts...

Liv Loves Lit

Tall Tales From A Pint-Sized Author

toofulltowrite (I've started so I'll finish)

Well it's not as if you had anything better to do, so let me entertain you

rarasaur

frightfully wondrous things happen here.

The Things I See Up Here

the internet equivalent to blueberry waffles cover in bacon.............. mmmmmmm........bacon

Tom Elias

Science, Fiction, and Science Fiction

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Embracing my dorkiness, embarrassing my kid & blogging for the hell of it.

Breaking New Ground in Zone 5

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My Blank Page

Script Magazine's pick for "Website of the Week" (May 2012)

Monadnock Writers' Group

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Trent Lewin

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Commentality - Lotsa Comments ....

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Cathy Brockman Romances

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Outlaw Mama

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Rob Zombie | Official Website

Official website for Rob Zombie, musician and filmmaker. News, tour dates, filmography, discography, store, and Zombie Heads Inc Community.

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The Guru of Negativity - a demotivational specialist

MC's Whispers

Whispering Silences

Joe's Musings

"You become what you think" - Ralph Waldo Emerson. I think I am a writer, do you agree?

Stevil

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1pointperspective

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The Seed Said So

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F.J. Gottlieb

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Curmudgeon at Large

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Insatiable Booksluts

Voracious readers tell you if that book is going to suck.

Easy Blog

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My Premature Retrospective

Pages From The Mental Notebook Of Michael John Warren - Film Director | Editor | Writer | Producer

TD421

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Hey Joe! Online

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polysyllabic profundities

Random thoughts with sporadically profound meaning

Shackled and Crowned

Do Not Fear Your Truth

Doggy's Style

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