I am officially running on two hours of sleep over the course of three days, so no guarantees on the cohesiveness or relevance of this post.
I put up a post not long ago about my new phone and my strange text message encounter with someone looking for whomever had my number last (you can catch it here. Remember the name “Lokepa”). Well, it turns out that I would only have that phone for about a month or so before I dropped it and broke it (please don’t ask me how. One embarrassing post a day is enough).
Now hold onto that thought. We’ll be getting back to it. Trust me.
Like I said, I have insomnia. And when I can’t sleep or macrame or watch the same episode of AUTOPSY over and over and over, I amuse myself with my surroundings- namely, my phone. I wish I could tell you that I lay in bed at night playing hours of Candy Crush or Words With Friends like a normal person but I can’t. My brain isn’t wired that way. You know, normally.
No, what I have to do instead is add people I don’t actually know to my contact list. People like Morgan Freeman. And Samuel L. Jackson. And Ninth President of the United States William Henry Harrison. And because God hates me, I do all of this the night before I break my phone.
For those of you lost on the significance of this fact, please keep in mind that someone is going to have to fix my phone, and that someone is going to see what I did to it. And that someone’s name is Trevor, and he is my resident Verizon Lackey-du-jour.
Trevor thinks I’m nuts.
Because typical me, I couldn’t just upload pics and leave it at that. No, I had to actually create relevant email accounts and job titles for each of the contacts because yeah, I’m that messed up.
From the collective sound of snickering coming from the Super-Secret-Verizon-Room-of-Cellphone-Repair, I am sure Trevor and his cronies downloaded my contact list while fixing my phone. I am also sure they will mock me to their friends and probably the world too. It is because of this possibility that I am going to share my list here, on my blog, and beat them to the punch.
Now, not all of my “friends” are celebrities or inanimate objects or random body parts, some are actual people from history that I have come to admire over the years that I think you might enjoy learning about. See? My weirdness is actually a good thing! (Yeah, Trevor didn’t buy that either). So here they are in no particular order…my imaginary friend contact list:
These next two contacts may need some explaining. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the story of President William Henry Harrison, you can go here. Or, I can just tell you that he served the shortest amount of time in office (just thirty days) because he died of pneumonia. It seems President Harrison possessed a bit of machismo, and insisted he not wear a coat to his Inaugural Address.
Next we have our second President, John Adams. Back in the day he and Thomas Jefferson were the best of friends, but when they both decided to run for President, things got all Paris and Nicole. Thomas Jefferson, in a smear campaign that garnered near “Fire Crotch” attention was quoted to have said, “John Adams has a hideous hermaphroditical character, which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman.”
Yup. Tommy-J just called out J’Adams for having bitch tits. And we thought the Kardashians were bad.
Some called them villains, others called them geniuses. It is estimated that Genghis Khan may have reduced the entire world’s population at the time of his reign by 11%, and according to a famous 2003 genetic study, “Around one in 200 living men carry a form of the Y chromosome that may have originated with the Great Khan himself. If true, that would mean that 0.5 percent of the world’s male population are his direct descendants.” What I was most interested to learn is that he created one of the first international postal systems and was tolerant of different religions. No amount of admiration for his battlefield prowess would spare him from what I forced him to do in Reapers With Issues, though. Hehehehe….
The next contact we all know very well, mostly as the inspiration for Bram Stoker’s novel, Dracula. Some may know him as Vlad the Impaler due to his practice of impaling his enemy on spikes all around his land. Think this is nothing more than vicious propoganda spread by his enemy, the Ottoman-Turks? Think again. Beyond just impaling, he slaughtered women and children of his enemies and murdered a group of Turkish envoys on the pretext that they had refused to raise their “hats” to him. Want to know what he did? He nailed their turbans to their heads. Yikes. I will say this for him- he’s got some kickin’ hair.
Now, most of you may not know these next two at all, but I believe they deserve some recognition. The first is Guy Fawkes who, thanks to Alan Moore, is the man behind the face that spawned over a million “V for Vendetta” masks. Brits celebrate “Guy Fawkes Night” every November 5th by burning him in effigy to commemorate his failed attempt to carry out the Gunpowder Plot- a conspiracy which would have resulted in the destruction of the House of Lords. Fawkes was caught, questioned, tortured, and was nearly mutilated (as the Brits so loved to do back then) but he jumped off the platform where the evisceration was to take place and intentionally broke his neck to avoid it. Now that’s hardcore.
Most people do not know the next historian, but you may know of his achievements. Michael Andreas Barclay DeTolly was a hero of the First Patriotic War and Anti-Napoleonic Campaigns in Europe. But what he is best known for is the now famous scorched earth strategy of drawing the enemy deep into one’s own territory and then setting everything the fuck behind them on fire. Let’s think about that for a minute- this dude let one of history’s most aggressive and successful Military Commanders into his own land and then burned his own country to the ground. That’s some Daryl Dixon shit right there.
Yeah, I have no explanation for these last two. Don’t judge me.
So that about wraps it up. Now that my secret is out, I might just have to add a few more to my list. As for the insomnia, if any of you have any remedies out there that are less humiliating, please let me know.
Today I have decided to pay homage to the late, great Gene Roddenberry on what would have been his 93rd birthday by conducting an interview I believe he might have enjoyed. Now I ask you, what better way to pay tribute to one of the greatest contributors to the SciFi genre than to have a face-off of Starship Captains? Ladies and gentlemen I give you…
JAMES T. KIRK VS JEAN-LUC PICARD
Q: Which species makes a better First Officer, Human or Vulcan?
KIRK: A Vulcan makes the better officer because they use logic rather than emotion to guide their decisions.
PICARD: Generally speaking, Kirk’s right. On the other hand, I cannot speak highly enough of my very human first officer. Once he finally was able to remove that giant stick from his ass and relax a little bit, he turned out all right.
Q: What is the most important quality a Starship Captain must have?
KIRK: The most important quality a starship captain must have is the ability to love females of any species.
PICARD: Diplomacy, which basically is the art of telling someone to suck your cock with such tact and charm that they actually apply lipstick first regardless of gender or race, they sell tickets beforehand, and thank you when it’s over.
Q: The better date: Green Orion Slave woman, or hot human?
KIRK: Green Orion Slave women are the best! Man, there is nothing those girls will not do! Did you know that Green Orion Women have two vaginas? Little known fact!
PICARD: So, you fail twice? By the way, they have an ointment for that rash you’ve been complaining about. As for who makes the better date….have you *BEEN* to Risa? Jamaharon to the Bone, yo.
Q: The worst thing about dealing with Starfleet Command is ___ ?
KIRK: Starfleet Command are a bunch of pussies. If they let us annihilate the Klingons like we wanted to, the Romulans would think twice before attacking us again.
PICARD: I don’t know that I’d have phrased it quite that way, but I’m forced to agree with the good captain. Oh, fuck it: Starfleet Command is run by a bunch of spineless twat-waffles who can’t find their balls with both hands and a tricorder.
Q: Which is the better ride: The classic NCC-1701 or the NCC-1701D?
KIRK: The NCC-1701 of course! The 1701D is for pansies! Scotty would never be caught dead in the engine room of that bomb!
PICARD: The Constitution-class starships are beautiful vessels from a bygone era that I for one believe to be full of adventure, wonder, and excitement. To have been alive in those days, exploring the vast, unknown frontier? I envy those like James Kirk and the ships they commanded. That said, have you *seen* my fucking ship? It’s got phasers and photon torpedoes out the ass! It comes apart so it can kick your ass *twice* as much. And it’s huge! Don’t believe your girlfriend, Kirk, even if she is Orion: Size does matter.
Q: Marooned on a deserted planet, the three things I have to have are?
KIRK: A Green Orion Slave woman, Yeoman Janice Rand, and Cloud Dweller Droxine. Need I say more?
PICARD: A whole planet to myself? Wonderful! I’m overdue for a good vacation. I’ll take my Collected Shakespeare book, my tea, and my flute. On second thought…I’d like to meet this Droxine. And change my book selection to the Kama Sutra.
Q: I’d rather take on in a bar fight: a Cardassian or a Romulan?
KIRK: As easy as it is to beat the crap out of a Cardassian, I would much rather fight a Romulan. Romulans put up a much better fight. Can’t trust those Cardassians, they fight dirty as hell.
PICARD: He’s right about the Cardassians. Sneaky bastards, every single one of them. Romulans can fight well enough, but they’re always so worried about mussing their hair. Now, if you want a real fight, try taking on a Nausicaan. I’ve never lived that one down. And don’t even get me started on the Borg. *THOSE* guys were assholes.
Q: Which is more technically challenging, slingshotting a starship backward in time or dislocating it to an alternate universe?
KIRK: Neither actually. You want technically challenging? Try listening to Spock and Bones for five consecutive years, now that is a challenge!
PICARD: I must side with my esteemed colleague on this matter. Time travel or having your ship flung to the far side of the universe is nothing compared to having to deal with a snotty teenager who thinks he knows everything, and whom you can’t toss out the nearest airlock because you’re trying to get in his mother’s pants. Awkward.
Q: Which is more irritating, tribbles or Ferengi?
KIRK: The Ferengi are okay, they remind me of my Uncle Wilbur. Tribbles can really annoy you, and they multipy faster than Romulian rabbits. God I hate those furry little creatures! Do you know that they ate five years worth of grain? Try exploring the universe without your daily fiber! I was constipated for three years. Damn Tribbles!
PICARD: Can I reuse my snotty teenager answer here?
Q: You’re approached by Q, who is feeling generous and unmalicious – what gift of ability do you ask him for?
KIRK: Ah Q. I heard John Luc complain of the guy. A gift? well for John Luc, he can give him the Shatner 2000, the most futuristic hairpiece in the universe. Oh, and ability. I was sidetracked with the Green Orion Slave woman…she was a barrel of fun. I guess if I met this Q guy I would ask for the ability to give those Green Orion Slave women an orgasm. Did I mention that they had two vaginas? Try giving one of those women an orgasm. They don’t need one orgasm, they need two, one for each vagina.
PICARD: I require no hairpiece, young man. I’m quite comfortable with my appearance. Besides, chicks dig the smoothness. As for a gift, if I was forced to limit myself to just one thing, it would be the ability to go back and correct certain mistakes I’ve made during the course of my life. Barring that, I’d settle for just being able to go back and hide the evidence and bury the goddamned bodies. Oh, and I’d ask Q to give Kirk that ointment for his rash, which seems to be flaring up just now.
By the way, Kirk…get with me after the show. I can teach you what you need to know about those Orion women. Two words: “Vulcan Shocker.”
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