A quasi writer avoiding life through Zen meditation and grain alcohol

Posts tagged “Comedy

Bored Hellis and the Effed-up Texts


fbf-1Hello, everyone. My name is H.E. Ellis, and I am a colossal pain in the ass when I’m bored.

Most days I keep my boredom at bay by adding cartoon characters or celebrities I’ve never met to my phone’s contact list, or by pranking unsuspecting people who happen to incorrectly dial my cellphone number. Then there are days when the boredom is too much and I share my pain by sending random and nonsensical texts to the poor souls who happen to know me.

Featured here are the best responses to the inane chatter that escapes my head on a daily basis: (more…)

How to Avoid the Slushpile, by H.E. Ellis


fbf-1It’s Funny Blog Friday again, and I’m here to not only brighten your day but to pass along some sage advice on how to avoid the dreaded slushpile.

What’s the slushpile, you ask? The slushpile, my friends, is the virtual trash bin where your manuscript lands the moment a prospective agent determines it is not yet ready for publication. Believe me, after all your hard work this is no place you want to be.

So how do you avoid the slushpile? Read widely? Write often? Find yourself a solid writers’ group?

Hell no! You do it by following my advice, of course! I’ve spent the past year creating a collection of books designed to help would-be authors navigate their way through the jungle that is the publishing world. Choose from the following: (more…)


For Valentine’s Day I thought it only appropriate to interview the most wanted man, uh…boy in the world. I’m talking about the one, the only….CUPID.

CUPID – Pleasure to be here. Despite this being my busy time of year, I can always find time for you H.E., you helped my blog become what it is today and for that my heart is ever at your service…..You know, if you wanted I could set you up with somebody? I still feel bad about your last relationship. In my defense though, you were the one who fucked that up. Cupid’s arrow is rarely wrong and sometimes you got to give a little to get a little if you know what I mean….

***** So tell the readers, what is the hardest part being the God of Desire?

CUPID – The hardest part? My cock. (more…)

Flash Fiction – UK Style

Copyright – Jan Wayne Fields

I decided to attempt a Flash Fiction Challenge when I saw the inspiration pic on BrainRants’ blog. If you would like to give the challenge a try, start at Rochelle’s Purple Blog and join the fun.

Here’s the concept (shamelessly stolen from Rants’ Blog): A weekly picture is posted, and the writer is challenged to produce one-hundred (more or less) words of some sort of fiction with a complete plot (beginning, middle and end). I’m calling out my girl Megan to give this one a try. Now, on with the frivolities!

Copyright – Jan Wayne Fields

Copyright – Jan Wayne Fields


Bob Geldof caught a glimpse of his reflection in the glass and realized he was Gary Oldman. Or was he Ewan Mcgregor? No matter. His first two wishes; a London flat and cash to go with it were executed perfectly. He didn’t mind the Leprechaun taking license with the third. There were many handsome Brits to choose from as a model for his new body. He had been lonely long enough.

Girlish giggles preceded the knock on the door and he rushed to answer shouting, “Just a minute.” The sound of Annie Lennox’s voice leaving his throat stopped him cold.

24 Hours As Tom Ford @FBF


fbf-1I, like most people, take a personal inventory at the beginning of each new year. I examine my past behaviors or actions to see which have or have not worked for me and challenge myself to do better. One of the things I decided to try this year is something life coaches are calling, “Emulation Therapy.”

In other words, you find someone successful you admire and model your daily behavior after theirs. Luckily for me, fashion mogul Tom Ford did an interview with Harper’s Bazaar Magazine where he chronicled his daily routine.

Below you will find an example of a typical Tom Ford day, as well as an example of one of my own I put together so that I could compare efforts. If my findings are correct, all I need to do to reach Tom Ford-level success is bathe more.

Let’s check it out!


Check Out My Bitchin’ Office


I should be working on my novel but as usual, I’m blocked and cannot snap out of it. I suppose I could look up one of the hundreds of tricks on the internet that tell you how to break free of writer’s block, or I can do what I always do and write a separate manuscript where all my characters engage in a massive act of group sex.

Since I can’t share that, I decided to blog about the space where all the not-writing happens instead.

First up, the wall of books:



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