Happy Birthday Tim Curry!!!
TODAY IS THE BIRTHDAY OF MY MOST FAVORITE ACTOR OF ALL TIME….TIM CURRY!!!!
I remember the first time I saw Tim Curry on the big screen. It was in a now defunct movie theater in Windsor, Connecticut with my best friend (yes, Quinn I’m talking about you) who dragged me kicking and screaming to see the movie ANNIE. I remember everyone HATING the character of Rooster but I was absolutely smitten. I loved his voice, the way he moved, his eyes, EVERYTHING about him.
It was just a few years later that I was dragged to another movie theater (yes, Quinn this was you again) in nothing but my bra and panties to see Tim Curry in the ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. Let me digress for a moment here…
Have you ever had an experience as a kid that forever changed your life? That molded and shaped how you saw the world and yourself in it for years to come? Yes, that was what Tim Curry’s FRANK-N-FURTER character did for me. Since then I’ve made a point to either see or hear everything he’s ever done in his career (even Pennywise the 
clown. That’s how deep my love goes).
Now, I’m not one to go all gushy when meeting celebrities (my life spent as a somewhat groupie kept my Starstruck meter in check) but if I were to meet Tim Curry in the flesh I’d fucking cum in colors, I shit you not (suck on that sentence, Freshly Pressed). So here’s to you, Tim Curry, for another glorious year with you in it!
Welcome To My Desktop
Anyone who knows me knows that I am an extremely restless individual, and that every now and then I’ve got to switch things up. It could be something as easy as driving a different car for a while, or something as epic as painting my bedroom hot pink.
Since I’ve taken on more hours at work, the switching up has been happening at my desk, or more specifically, my desktop, to the amusement of my many co-workers. So for the amusement of you all, I share with you today a gallery of my ever-changing desktop wallpaper.
Ah…yes. The General Lee. My first love.
Mmm…The Metallicar. My present love.
Next we have two pics that are the perfect marriage of humor and music, Tenacious D. and Dethklok. If you don’t know who they are, I suggest hitting the Google immediately. If you don’t like them, well…we can’t be friends.
Now we have the two greatest bands I’ve ever had the good fortune of hanging out with backstage. Lit and Godsmack. Boys and their tattoos. Dreamy.
Why Lemmy? Because Lemmy is God, that’s why.
Next we have two of the greatest influences of my life: Roller Derby and Charles Bukowski. Bukowski touched me deeply on the inside, and Roller Derby smacked the crap out of me on the outside.
Because I can’t download porn.
Next are two pics of my seldom seen daughter, Babygirl. The one above was taken on Halloween when she was two years-old. Her father wanted her to be a princess, but she wanted to be a “basketball boy.” You see who won. (Yes, that is a regulation sized basketball. She was, and still is, very tiny). The one below was taken in our backyard with my nephew. I plan on writing a story just so I can use that pic as a book cover.
Last but not least, for reasons that I cannot begin to comprehend, my all time favorite desktop wallpaper pic ever!!!!!
Doesn’t this pic just say it all?
The Tortoise and O’Hare
Today we have an offering from the Great White North in the form of a fable told by the illustrious Archon’s Den. Here is his take on the classic fable The Tortoise and the Hare!
THE TORTOISE AND O’HARE
Once upon a time, just outside New Haven, Conn., a little rabbit was born. His parents lovingly called him Bunny, though, as he got older he felt he outgrew that name. Bunny was very smart. He worked and studied hard at school and got great marks. Bunny wanted to make something of himself, so with outstanding SAT scores, he applied to Yale.
His parents paid for his education with bags of plump, juicy carrots that they saved up over the years, and the occasional sack of beets. Bunny applied himself and graduated from the Business Management course with flying colors.
He told his parents that he was going to get a job as a financial advisor, and hopped his way down to New York City. After waving his diploma under a few noses, he got himself hired by no less than Merrill Lynch. Here, he insisted on celebrating his Irish Rabbit heritage, and began going by the name Seamus O’Hare.
While all this was occurring, just south of the border in Mexico, there was a young turtle named Diego Tortuga trying to follow the same path. His parents traded mescal to pay to have him attend a decent community college. At least it was a real school, rather than just one of those diploma mills.
When he graduated with marks as good as O’Hare’s, he kissed his mother and father goodbye….verrryy sloowwlyy, and floated across the Rio Grande. Then he managed to hitch-hike his way all the way to New York with a trucker, hauling back a semi, loaded with Corona beer. With great good fortune, he also managed to obtain a position with Merrill Lynch, and began working in the same division as O’Hare, who was immediately dismissive of him.
O’Hare was a high energy broker, often leaping at new investments without doing enough research. He made money for his clients, and for himself, but was often distracted, by a new girlfriend or a car-show at the Gardens. He made fun of Tortuga’s slow, plodding, but steadily productive methods of money management.
One day, after Diego had defended his careful planning, Seamus O’Hare suggested a “race.” The first one within a year to achieve a personal worth of $1,000,000, would receive another ten thousand dollars from the loser. Tortuga accepted the challenge, and the Race was on.
Shortly afterwards, the firm was joined by a Chinese weasel, named Wun Raht Gai, educated in Beijing. As he ensconced himself within the firm, and learned of the competition between the two youngsters, his was disdainful of them. “Silly amateurs.” he said.
Time passed, and the competition proceeded, with the fortunes of both Tortuga and O’Hare increasing, Diego’s steadily, and Seamus’ by leaps and bounds. One day, unbeknownst to each other, they both received a letter from Wun Raht Gai, offering to help them cross the one million dollar finish line.
Tortuga’s letter said that the Chinese weasel had got wind of a new process to remove Melamine from baby food. O’Hare’s letter told of a new system to get the lead out of children’s toys. If they would just invest a quarter million dollars with him, he would double it for them within thirty days.
Wun Raht Gai’s letters also said that he didn’t want these investment opportunities to be overheard at the office, so they should each bring the funds in cash to his apartment, to ensure privacy.
No-one seems to know exactly what happened to O’Hare, and Diego the tortoise. They each just stopped coming to work at Merrill Lynch. The Chinese weasel prospered in their absence, taking over part of each of their *books*. He moved into a beautiful penthouse apartment. There were some rumors of him throwing a banquet and soiree for potential investors, where the featured dishes were rabbit stew and turtle soup.
CITIZENS OF BLOGWORLD – I BESEECH YOU
My fellow Blogglanders,
I’d like to take a moment to step outside of the humor box and use my blog post today as an opportunity to spread awareness for a cause I truly believe in.
There comes a time in the lives of all bloggers when we find a need to step back and reflect on our journey through the virtual utopia that is Blogworld. Some of us have come here to broaden our horizons and to find inspiration within the photo or travel blogs that pepper the Freshly Pressed page. Many of us find comfort and community amongst the animal lover or mommy blogs of WordPress. Still others use their blog to extract humor from the banality of the workday life and to share their plight with the blog world around them.
But once in a great while there comes a blogger who stands out among the rest- a blogger who effortlessly straddles the line between tragedy and comedy. A blogger who bucks convention with his often times controversial opinions on the validity of religion or the sanctity of marriage or the awesomeness of Star Trek. A blogger who challenges the status quo, strives to enlighten both men and women alike, and who boldly laughs in the face of clowns.
It is this singular blogger who I believe can deliver us all into an era of change and lead us down a path of righteousness and light. That is why I, Hellis of Bloggerland, am asking its citizens for their support and their vote for EDWARD HOTSPUR as champion of the BLOGGER IDOL contest.
“Amongst the weeds of the world, a flower grows…”
CAST YOUR VOTE FOR EDWARD HOTSPUR HERE:
***DATELINE – SANTA***
// — NEWSLINE: NORTH POLE — //
Reuters
North Pole – The North Pole District Attorney announced today that his office would continue to pursue the prosecution of Santa Claus in spite of a new setback to Claus as his attorney, Jose Baez, removed himself from the growing Claus case after a successful appeal in the Pole Court.
Santa Claus, arraigned on a host of charges ranging from workplace safety violations and fraud, to prostitution and drug possession, now faces an uncertain future with a court-appointed advocate.
“I know this appears to be an abandonment of a major and beloved public figure, but I cannot in good conscience continue to represent Mr. Claus,” Baez said in a prepared press release yesterday.
When asked for a response, the DA merely said to reporters, “Mr. Baez’ statement says it all.”
Recent developments, however, have also added to the workload of the NPDA and his staff. In a heated court exchange last week, the DA was arguing for an injunction against Gloria Allred, the surprise attorney for Mrs. Claus in the concurrent and bitter divorce proceedings associated with this case. The DA requested the injunction due to the administrative burden Ms. Allred is apparently creating for the entire staff.
An unnamed source close to the DA, on the condition of anonymity, provided voice recordings, allegedly of the DA, stating, “If that bitch cries on the courthouse steps one more time, I’m going to personally rip out her uterus with salad tongs.”
In response, a representative for Ms. Allred stated that she would not stoop to the levels implied by that leak, but was very hurt by the implication that she even had reproductive organs.
Sources in the local legal community speculated that the DA is in fact overwhelmed with media requests and related issues.
“We just don’t get this kind of circus up here,” said one lawyer when asked about the issue, who went on to point out that the prior week was the break point for the DA’s Staff, which featured daily press conferences by Allred, as well as an appearance by Reverend Al Sharpton, who stood with Santa Claus after a prayer for justice.
“This is yet another example of the Establishment using its power in racist ways,” Sharpton said. “Santa Claus is a victim of racism, and we stand with him in his time of need. He is a brother, no matter white he is.”
The Sharpton rally soon turned violent, elevating this sleepy town to global attention, and the North Pole is now the growing focus of an Occupy rally, adding to the confusion here.
In light of all this publicity, one judge on the North Pole Circuit did say for the record, “The sooner this mess is over with, the better.”
FOLLOW THE DEBACLE:
Dear Hellis – A Letter To My Fifteen Year-Old Self
I got this idea from fellow rockin’ chick Darlene at THE DAILY WOMAN. Make sure you check out her post which is witty and insightful as opposed to mine which is…well, you’ll see.
Dear Hellis,
You know how you are absolutely certain that you are going to take off to New York and become a dancer/artist/photographer after high school? Or how you are NEVER going to get married or have children, ever? Well here’s some advice I’d like to give you from the future to make your impending reality bearable.
1. Get off your high horse and date a nerd. Trust me on this.
2. Start studying for the S.A.T.s NOW.
3. Yeah, don’t get attached to all the awesome. Or to your ass, because in twenty years it is going to expand into epic proportions.
4. Your English Lit teacher is NOT correct. What you write will not forever be considered, “the sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate.”
5. Teenaged boys lie. Even the nice ones.
6. Don’t listen to your father.
7. No, your hair does NOT look cool like that.
8. George Michael is gay. Don’t waste your time.
9. What makes you popular at fifteen doesn’t mean shit when you’re forty. Grow a personality now.
10. DO NOT MARRY THE HOT ROMANIAN GUY BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THE LOST BOYS!!!!!
For more “Dear Me” letters visit CHATTING AT THE SKY.
Interview With…War
HE: Today we sit down with everyone’s favorite Horseman, War. Good morning, War. How was your trip to Earth?
WAR: Freakin’ awesome! I missed the bus transfer in Purgatory, so I had to walk a some, but then this carful of female rodeo clowns gave me a ride in. Say…do I have white makeup anywhere fun?
***
HE: *struggling not to look* What confounds you most about mortals?
WAR: Uh…nothin’. Well, I guess sometimes I wonder why they go and hack and bludgeon the shit outta one another. Y’all are so fucking good at it, I almost don’t need to try.
***
HE: Where is your favorite place to reap?
WAR: Battlefields, hands-down, and the bloodier the better. Your inner cities aren’t bad these days either, on a small scale.
***
HE: If you were mortal, what job would you want to have?
WAR: Shoot, do we have time for my list? Porn star – that’s an obvious one. I was thinkin’ doctor since I ain’t scared a blood. But the good kinda doctor like one of them Gyno…cogo-ologists, you know, the kind that looks at lady parts. Not one of them human butthole doctors. That shit ain’t right. I was also thinking a vet might be awesome but only because I think the idea of having your entire arm up an elephant’s ass is fucking hilarious… [actually rolls on floor laughing]
***
HE: Has a mortal ever escaped you?
WAR: Just one. Fucking Lazarus. I’ve had some reclassified out of my reach, like Caesar. He got too big for his Rubicon-wading britches, so he got moved from my domain over to Grim’s. Same with Napoleon, that little Frog pantywaist. You might think Saddam Hussein escaped me by livin’ all up in his own asshole there, but in the end, that was MY noose.
***
HE: What’s the most negative aspect of wearing a meat suit?
WAR: There ain’t no downside, Sugar Britches (winks). Uh, they’re kind of fragile. Do you know how fucking painful bending your boner is? [shudders] Maybe the random need to back out a stinker.
***
HE: Is it hard working for God?
WAR: Fuck yes! Think about it: “Now War, you’re supposed to go and reap souls lost to conflict… but don’t be too messy… and don’t break shit… and don’t be too noisy, I’m resting… and that blood will stain, so don’t get it on you!” Seriously, I’d rather be married to a Human woman with control issues.
***
HE: Is Lucifer as bad as they say?
WAR: Lucifer is a card-carrying dickwad. If he weren’t one of them special creations of God, I’dve pummeled the piss out of his silk-suit-wearing panzie ass millennia ago. What I hate about Lu is that he won’t just come out and fuck with you like a man. He’s got to be all passive-aggressive and shit, so you’re just cruising along thinking the everything is cool and BAM! You’re asking yourself, “Hey, how’d this dick get all the way up my ass?”
***
HE: What do you have to say about the Mayans?
WAR: Oooooh! Those are so good with cheese! Or fried! I once had them barbecued and then smothered with pilates. Fuck, I’m hungry. Is there a taco place close?
***
HE: Your dream date is?
WAR: You. Those puppies real?
HE: [ahem] Can you just answer the question?
WAR: Guess I shoulda worn the tattooed rocker meatsuit. I’ll say my dream date was Catherine the Great. You think that story about her dying underneath her horse was true? The only thing close to being horse-like in that rumor was my epic fuckin’ …
***
HE: Alright, alright, moving on. Beatles or Elvis?
WAR: Fuck that hippy shit. I’m straight up old school metal dude, er, dudette. I do my best reapin’ to Disturbed. They ain’t metal but I love that shit. Makes me want to go hack something with a dull blade. Or bone them in half…
***
HE: Favorite sports team?
WAR: You know the Mongols used to have this brutal sport played on horseback… I don’t know. I have to admire teams that suck ass but have loyal fans. The Red Sox come to mind. I hang out with fans mainly for the fun, and of course cheerleaders.
***
HE: Where do you see yourself in five years?
WAR: Kicking ass and taking names, baby. Humans are always coming up with new reasons to go schwack each other, and yours truly will be there to enjoy the fuckery.
***
HE: What would mortals be most surprised to learn about you?
WAR: I have a sensitive side… no shit. One time, I was out reaping and there was this little kid who got shot. So I was all, like, “Aww, that’s sad,” and then I jerked his little soul out – *ssschwaap* – just like that. Sensitive an’ shit.
***
This concludes our sit down with War, the last of our interviews with The Four Horsemen. Stay tuned tomorrow for our exclusive on site interview in Hell with the ever stylish, ever evil, Lucifer. Then we’ll round out our weekend with an interview with the Big Man himself, God and his favorite son, Jesus! Stay tuned…
Happy Blogiversary To Me!
TODAY IS THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF MY BLOG! TO COMMEMORATE THIS AUSPICIOUS OCCASION I HAVE DECIDED TO RERUN MY VERY FIRST BLOG POST.
PLEASE TO ENJOY…
So yeah, I wrote a book.
I must have been high when I wrote it because there’s no other explanation I can give for my 120,000 word upper YA novel where the only noun I used more than “boner” was “blood.” It goes without saying that I’m self-published. I didn’t even try to submit it traditionally. Can you just imagine the poor agent who gets my query letter?
“My novel, THE GODS OF ASPHALT is complete at 120,000 words and is the first in a series of five books that for some reason I’ve decided to write out-of-order. Each one is told from the point of view of a teenage male protagonist who has exactly zero supernatural powers (unless you consider perpetual erections a superpower). Oh, and it also has Spanish subtitles.”
Yeah.
On the good side, if you’re like me and are just a little too into music, motorcycles and all around badassery this is the book for you. If you’re not, I’m sure Jodi Picoult’s got a blog somewhere. You can find the opening to chapter one at the top of the page under the tab GOA REVIEWS and you can find my book on line at:
The Hotspur Challenge – Manfred Mann Edition
Resident blogger and uber audiophile Edward Hotspur recently penned (typed? keyed?) a post entitled: AN ANALYSIS AND DISSECTION OF THE UTTERLY STUPID SONG “ALL I WANT TO DO IS MAKE LOVE TO YOU” in which he deciphers the twisted meaning behind Heart’s atrocious lyrics.
Naturally that got me thinking, and no good ever comes of that. So in the spirit of his blog post I offer up this challenge to the great EH:
What the hell was Manfred Mann trying to say when they released BLINDED BY THE LIGHT? I mean, WTF??? Just how prolific were drugs in the seventies?
Y? Because We Like You!
Today is the darling of blogworld Sandylikeabeach’s birthday; so I’ve decided to dedicate this post to her by waxing poetic using the last letter of her name, the letter Y.
Oh Sandy, how do we love thee? Let us count the ways…
Uh…yeah.
Have you ever tried to write anything using the letter Y? No? Well there’s a reason for that. After many fruitless hours of finger-fucking the Y key into submission attempting to come up with something pithy to say, I finally gave up and decided to give my pal Sandy a gift that is far more practical. For your birthday I give you…
THE MOST KICK ASS BLOG POST OF SCRABBLE WORD WINNERS EVER!
That’s write er, right Sandy! I’ve compiled a list of the most obscure words ever to use the letter Y, guaranteed to impress naked writing partners or random animals everywhere! We start the list with:
YAKIMA: An American city southeast of Mount Rainier National Park and the county seat of Yakima County, Washington.
Not only is this word fun to say, but you can convince some of your dumber friends that it means something entirely different, like traditional Mongolian fare or the stuff that comes up after someone sticks a finger down their throat.
***
YANKEE: Ask someone from Florida what a Yankee is and they will tell you it refers to people originating in the northeastern US, or more narrowly, New England.
Ask any New Englander what a Yankee is and they will describe an athlete of questionable parentage.
***
YGGDRASIL: An immense tree that is central in Norse cosmology, on which the nine worlds existed.
Keep a dictionary handy when playing scrabble with some of your blonder friends, as you may have to argue that this word does not indeed define what a gynecologist often prescribes.
***
SYZYGY: A straight line configuration of three or more celestial bodies.
The Scrabble word to beat all Scrabble words, syzygy is guaranteed to take home the win. Prepare to be worshiped, for you are now a Goddess.
***
SANDY: A woman of extraordinary talent and unlimited creativity who brings joy and happiness to any life she touches. See: Sunshine.
***
FOR ALL THE WAYS THAT SANDY IS AWESOME, GO BACK AND START FROM THE BEGINNING:
TO WISH SANDY A HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLICK THE CAKE!
Now take it away, Danny Zuko!
Shit My Kid Does – Four
My real world life is such a circus that at times I find it hard to believe it’s not really some pre-scripted reality show set to make higher powers roar with laughter. Don’t believe me? Well here’s an example:
OPENING SCENE:
A family of five strolls down the fairway of carnival. The smell of fried dough and the musical stylings of a local garage band permeate the warm night air. In the lead is youngest daughter BabyGirl, holding a rainbow flashing scepter and donning a white fringed cowboy hat won for her by her father. Following closely is oldest son Prince Charming, angst-ridden, attempting his best Edward Cullen impression. Last in line is middle child, Junior. All are walking at a leisurely pace through the crowd until…
ENTER THE CATALYST:
Suddenly, to the horror of the parents, the first few notes of Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline pour out of the large speakers framing the stage behind them. Both adults catch each others gaze, knowing full well what’s to come.
As if in a reoccurring nightmare that they are powerless to stop, mother and father turn slowly to look at Junior who himself is staring at Prince Charming, his eyes wild with evil contemplation. In slow motion the father reaches out for Junior as the mother shouts, “NOOO!”
But it is too late.
Charging forward, Junior snatches BabyGirl’s hat off her head, places it on his own and begins to dance, bump and grind style against the side of his much older, much larger brother’s leg. The howls of laughter from passers-by do not deter Junior, and this brave soldier pushes on, committed to the cause, straight on until the phrase, “touching me, touching you..”
SCENE TWO:
Location: The local Funeral Home….
Things You Can’t Unsee – Eight
Due to my working nearly non-stop over the past month I have decided to take this weekend off completely, so Love Letters Gone Wrong and SPaM will resume next week. Instead of blogging I’m just going to kick back, relax, and dance like a maniac in a hotel lobby with Chris Walken.
Sidecar SPaM
*** I AM STILL BEING HELD CAPTIVE BY NINJAS- SO THIS WEEK’S SPAM IS A REBLOG OF OUR GOOD FRIEND AND PLAYER RONNIE FROM THE LIBRA CHRONICLES ***
Take one part modern-day bachelor, two parts savvy player, add a splash of Cointreau and you get THE LIBRA CHRONICLES; an unapologetic blog that asks the question, “Can a blog really make it when the writer does not try to make a blog that targets special key words, certain audiences, weight loss or fitness or celebrities or some certain NICHE?”
I didn’t know the answer to that question when I first stumbled onto Ronnie Libra’s blog, but all it took was one look at his tag cloud filled with words like SEDUCTION, KEY WEST and POLYSOMNOGRAPHY to know that I wouldn’t be bored finding out.
*** So Ronnie, you describe your blog in your WHAT IS ALL THIS INSOLENCE page as an “experiment” in finding your target audience without the use of buzz words. Has your experiment revealed the results of who your target audience is?
I bet, like my mind, my target will be “Kid in a Candy Shop.” Or more appropriately, “Ronnie in a Bar.” So many flavors, why just settle for the same one all the time?
*** In your page THE SEDUCTION CHRONICLES you include stories that you describe as including the “rawness and reality” of seduction. What motivated you to include these stories?
Hundreds of posts on private seduction forums. People who’ve read them always tell me they are very inspirational, so I figured, what the fuck…. I may as well share them with more people. If I can reach out to that one person who get’s inspired then kick ass! I have done my duty.
*** In addition to dating advice you have posts that focus on philosophy and inspiration. What has inspired you recently that you’d like readers to take away from your blog?
Momentum… Keep doing what you love… Make it happen. Fuck failure and fuck the outcome. Go for it anyway. Even if you are failing, keep going because the more steps you take towards your goals the better your momentum will be to take those steps. Be cool with failing, dammit. 
Penicillin was a mistake. OOOOHhhhh and some kick ass music, Music is my life. I recharge off of it. I have a giant history in my mind of music I love and I feel that, most of my life, every day can have a theme song.
*** Many of your posts include sometimes graphic descriptions of many of your sexual escapades. Do you find it difficult to share these experiences with your readers? And what do you hope you can pass on in the way of knowledge?
Not difficult at all. If you read the book, “My Secret Garden” by Nancy Friday, which is a book on REAL women’s fantasies, my reports become rated PG. ;) I’m trying to convey the process of Seduction with my writing. Later, I may delve more into the actual sexuality and passion as well, I’m sure I will.
Here’s what I want. I want people to be cool with seduction. It’s not some taboo shit. It’s everyday reality. It’s happening all around us. The girl that I just looked at, while thinking, that made eye contact and looked away. It’s natural.
I want that guy or that girl who sees that sexy motherfucker they want to meet to go do it. Go meet that person!
*** What would you like men to take away from your blog?
I haven’t really thought about this. Maybe inspiration. Maybe to get a little mad or inspired inside and say, “If this asshole can do this so can I!”
*** What would you like women to take away from your blog?
Women readers seem to be the main readers so far in my blog. I would almost want to ask them, “What do you hope to find here? or Why are you coming back? or even, “Let’s say my blog was your dirty little secret that no one would ever find out about. What would you want it to be like?”
*** What can we expect from THE LIBRA CHRONICLES in the future?
Utter Sexy Randomness. Chocolate, Vanilla, Strawberry and sometimes Chicken Fried Rice. Ya, it doesn’t have to make sense. And music. Lots and lots of music.
Follow Ronnie at THE LIBRA CHRONICLES
Have a blog, book or music to promote? Contact me for your own feature on SPaM at heellisgoa@gmail.com
Sawyer SPaM
This seems really odd to say, but today is the birthday I assigned the character of Sawyer in my novel, The Gods of Asphalt. His birthday features prominently in the book so I thought I’d answer some questions I’ve been asked over the past year about his character.
1. Why did you pick April 30th for his birthday?
I knew from the beginning he would wreck a motorcycle on his birthday so I needed it to take place during warm weather– but before his high school graduation. Research revealed that Nebraska high schools let out the first weekend in May so there was my time crunch. I wanted the added insult of him screwing up his life the instant it became his to own. Besides, Sawyer shares his birthday with someone pretty awesome.
2. Why did you pick Sawyer for his name?
Sawyer is sort of a default name. In my real life there is a real River, although he is nothing like the River character (I based the River character on someone elses life entirely). I always knew that I would name the character of the blonde older brother River, so I had to think of a name that was in the same vein for the younger brother. Thus Sawyer was born, and not Steve.
3. Why is Sawyer so tall?
Sawyer is tall because it allows him to be good at basketball. Sawyer needed a way out of his father’s life so I gave him basketball because it offers scholarships as well as being the perfect sport for a kid who lives on the road. Football requires gear, baseball requires a team, track requires good weather but basketball can be played anywhere, anytime with anyone. All you need is a ball.
4. Why do you describe Sawyer looking the way you do?
My kids helped with this one. My son Junior HATES being called pretty when compared to his good-looking, blonde older brother Prince Charming. I described Sawyer to my daughter and she instantly pulled up a television show called BIG TIME RUSH and said, “I think you are 
describing this guy.” In that moment James Maslow became my vision for Sawyer. I even wrote a little snippet in my book for him. I’m my daughter’s hero for that.
5. Why is Sawyer’s jersey number 13?
Because number 13 belongs to Steve Nash, my all time favorite basketball player.
6. How come Sawyer can sing?
Because I can’t. No, seriously; basketball was what Sawyer was good at, but music was what he loved and what his mother robbed him of.
7. Does Sawyer ever get Sarah?
Hehehehe…..
Happy Birthday Tim Curry!!!
TODAY IS THE BIRTHDAY OF MY MOST FAVORITE ACTOR OF ALL TIME….TIM CURRY!!!!
I remember the first time I saw Tim Curry on the big screen. It was in a now defunct movie theater in Windsor, Connecticut with my best friend (yes, Quinn I’m talking about you) who dragged me kicking and screaming to see the movie ANNIE. I remember everyone HATING the character of Rooster but I was absolutely smitten. I loved his voice, the way he moved, his eyes, EVERYTHING about him.
It was just a few years later that I was dragged to another movie theater (yes, Quinn this was you again) in nothing but my bra and panties to see Tim Curry in the ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. Let me digress for a moment here…
Have you ever had an experience as a kid that forever changed your life? That molded and shaped how you saw the world and yourself in it for years to come? Yes, that was what Tim Curry’s FRANK-N-FURTER character did for me. Since then I’ve made a point to either see or hear everything he’s ever done in his career (even Pennywise the clown. That’s how deep my love goes).
Now, I’m not one to go all gushy when meeting celebrities (my life spent as a somewhat groupie kept my Starstruck meter in check) but if I were to meet Tim Curry in the flesh I’d fucking cum in colors, I shit you not (suck on that sentence, Freshly Pressed). So here’s to you, Tim Curry, for another glorious year with you in it!
Interview with the King of the Leprechauns
Today for our holiday interview we are lucky to have with us Fergus O’Malley, King of the Leprechauns.
You seem angry today, Fergus. Can you tell us why?
Because of yesterday, that’s why. We Leprechauns spend every Saint Paddy’s Day in hiding.
But I would have thought you’d be happy on Saint Patrick’s Day. Isn’t it an Irish holiday?
Saint Patrick can kiss my arse. His holiday has nuttin’ to do with Leprechauns or the Irish. It has to do with him bein’ chuffed and converting pagans to Christians. We Leprechauns are pagan, dontcha know. Patty old boy can take his church and stuff it.
Does that mean you’d be in favor of your own holiday?
Jesus, Mary and Joseph no – we Leprechauns wish to be left alone. Every year it’s the same thing; tourists come from all around to visit Ireland to steal our gold. The worst are the Italians. Nuttin’ but a bunch of sausage stuffing pasta eaters.
Alright now, that’s enough about the Italians.
Ahh…why is that lass? Do you be one of ‘em?
Well, if you must know yes; I am Italian as well as Irish.
Ahh…the Saints have mercy on ya’. I was in love with an Irish/Italian girl once. Her name was Erin Go Braughless. A milkmaid, dontcha know. She had the strongest hands in the county. Why I remember once I stood on a stool and then she-
That’s quite enough of that. What’s the hardest thing about being a Leprechaun?
Aye, I’d have to say visiting America. The children chase us through the streets for our Lucky Charms. In Ireland, lucky charms are me wee bits, not a breakfast cereal.
Wow, I can see why you’d be angry. What is the one thing you’d like the world to know about Leprechauns?
That our shoe size is no indicator of our grand–
AND that concludes our interview with Fergus O’Malley, King of the Leprechauns. Return April 1st for our exclusive interview with Loki, the God of mischief. Until then, enjoy one of my favorite Irish songs as performed by Metallica. (Hey HR, this video reminds me of the parties you used to have at your house. You know the ones I’m talking about ).
Yeah. I’m old.
Thanks to my well connected friends I caught a LIT show this weekend and it was, well….let’s just call it awesome. What Catholic school girl wouldn’t love a tattooed rocker like A. Jay Popoff? Especially when I got close enough to reach up and wipe the sweat off his…uh, never mind.
As luck would have it a small group of us got to meet the band after the set and get autographs where I actually handed A. Jay an autographed copy of my book. Well, it was more like I signed it and then chucked it at him. You might think that trading autographs with a famous rocker would be the highlight of the evening, but it wasn’t. The highlight came when Kevin asked a small group of us to hang out afterward. That’s when I said….
No.
That’s right, people. I said no. Because the cigarette smoke and burning patchouli to cover the weed and the ringing in my ears from standing too close to the stage threatened to blast my skull in two. Because I made a long trip there and had a long trip home. Because I had work in the morning. Because I had to face the fact that I’m not twenty anymore.
God I’m old.
The Hellis 100 (41-50)
Let me explain the process for which I selected this next installment of The Hellis 100. You’ll notice below that I have uploaded ten songs to this post. These are not a representation of songs that I am necessarily a fan of; they are songs that I have to sing no matter where I am or what I am doing at the time. So I give you…
THE TOP TEN SONGS THAT ONCE HEARD I AM COMPELLED TO SING
10. BEST OF MY LOVE – Emotions
9. FUCK YOU – Cee Lo Green
8. SAFETY DANCE – Men Without Hats
7. IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT – R.E.M.
6. BARENAKED LADIES – One Week
5. LOVE ME DEAD – Ludo
4. TRIBUTE – Tenacious D
3. BLACK WIDOW – Alice Cooper
2. SPACE ODDITY – David Bowie
1. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY – Queen
Happy Birthday!
I want to wish my very good friend an early happy birthday for tomorrow. You know who you are.
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GAZETTE – BEST FRIENDS
As a child, I dreamt of the future
Even now it doesn’t fade, but is vivid as I look forward
So that I’d grow, I’d hold the tears in as I watched the scenery I grew up with crush under time.
I began to run towards that one big dream
Because my good friends were with me, I did my best
Live well, young man
You’re not alone, so muster your courage
Lunge forward, for right beyond this
You’ll be laughing and shining with your friends
The steep path that you’ll be walking will be lit, but full of thorns
Good or bad, from start to finish, you’re gonna do it anyway, so make your dream come true
For those who watch over you, for the ones you love and for yourself
Get your senses to a super high level, and walk your own path today
I began to run towards that one big dream
Because my good friends were with me, I did my best
Even if there’s a high wall in our way, we’re not stopping
We’ll break it down and go on towards our dream
Live well, young man
You’re not alone, so muster your courage
Lunge forward, for right beyond this
You’ll be laughing and shining with your friends
Why The Seventies Were “F*in” Awesome
There are so many reasons why the seventies were awesome that I needed to narrow it down to just one letter, and that letter is F. First, we begin with the obvious choice, FASHION. Or better yet, FAIL. 
And what post about the seventies would be complete without FARRAH HAIR. When I was a little dark haired girl all I had to look up to for a media role model was a blonde beach bunny named Farrah. My Italian boy cousins however, got to have a television icon and Guido Extraordinaire, FONZIE. Seriously not fair.
Next we have FOGHAT, FRAMPTON AND FREDDIE. I’d like to think there’s a special place in music heaven for Freddie Mercury.
I’d also like to think there’s a special place in automotive hell for whatever sadist “revamped” the 1974 Mustang in order to better handle the rising costs of gasoline thanks to the imposed FUEL EMBARGO. Pure Sacrilege.
For some reason, interior designers of the seventies were all about the concept of designing for the FUTURE. Apparently, the world will exist on nothing but shag carpeting, paneling, polished chrome and FORMICA.
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One of the biggest events of the seventies was the advent of FREE AGENCY in sports. No longer “owned” by teams, a player could broker his own deal, essentially selling himself to the highest bidder (Confused? Watch Jerry Maguire). Pete Rose was one of the first to leverage his talent for the best deal. I’m sure he did great things with that extra cash.
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Now a nod toward Pop Culture; namely FADS, FEVER and FRANK-N-FURTER.
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BUT WHAT REALLY MADE THE SEVENTIES GREAT WAS:
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PORN
Sandy SPaM
As much as I blog/write/brag about being a New Englander I find it’s easy to forget that my life’s journey began in Florida, the same base of operations for this week’s featured blogger Sandylikeabeach (great name, right?). But the similarities don’t end with geography. I also suffer from her self-described “Scarlet O Hara syndrome” and could have written the following sentiment myself:
“With this blog, I hope to feed that part of my soul that yearns to create. My blog is not really about anything in particular, just recollections, memories, observations, thoughts and dreams.”
Anyone who’s had the good fortune to visit her blog quickly learns there’s more to this writer/poetess than simple anecdotes or pearls of wisdom. I give you my kindred spirit, Sandylikeabeach.
Before I answer your questions, let me say I’m delighted to be your kindred spirit and honored to be included in your roster of SPaM recipients. Now, on to your questions.
**** 1. What first influenced you to become a writer?
My high school English teacher, Mrs. McKelvy, opened my mind to the possibility of writing. I took her creative writing class and she was very encouraging. I wrote several short stories and poems, and won our school’s creative writing award my senior year. I majored in journalism in college, but never liked the “reporting” side of it. I loved the photography and editing classes.
Of course, I graduated from college during a recession so I never worked in my major field. I was just happy to get any job, much like today’s college graduates. Once I left college, I did very little writing, until I started this blog about six months ago. After decades of not writing, I’m still struggling to find my “voice.” I have been happily surprised by how encouraging and supportive my fellow bloggers have been. It is unlikely that I will ever be a “post a day” blogger, but I am enjoying the journey.
**** 2. Where do you draw your inspiration for your poetry?
My poetry tends to be a bit dark. When I am in an emotionally raw place, the words just seem to flow. Often the writing of the poem is enough to lift me out of that dark place.
The one poem you seemed to like the most was Longing, which ended with the line ‘Someone walked over my grave.’ That line was the starting point for the poem. It was something I remembered from my teenage years. We used that expression when we would get a sudden chill that would give us goosebumps. I knew I wanted to end a poem with that line, so I worked backwards from there.
**** 3. Are you writing anything at the moment?
Just the answers to these questions. I do have an idea for a short story bouncing around in my head, not sure if it will ever make it from my head to the page.
**** 4. In your post ICE CREAM CONES AND RAIN – BOOKS THAT CHANGED MY LIFE you discuss a love of reading. What are you reading at the moment, and what book would you recommend reading?
Currently, I’m reading and enjoying W. Somerset Maugham’s Of Human Bondage. There are so many good books, it’s hard to recommend just one. I loved Vonnegut when I was younger, and Douglas Adams. Dune by Frank Herbert was a stand out, as were The Lathe of Heaven by Ursula K. Le Guin and The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. Just in the last few months, I’ve read and would recommend The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner and The Gods of Asphalt by you!
**** 5. I love your post DISSECTING A CRAZY AUNT about living in Florida. What do you find is the best/worst thing about living in Florida?
The best is hard to choose as we have some of the best beaches in the world (I have traveled the world so I know this to be true), the best Cuban food this side of, well, Cuba, and so many crazy, freaky people (the circus really does spend the winter here). I think what I like most about my home state is it defies generic descriptions. The southern part is different from the northern part, the coasts are different from the center of the state. The state is an ethnic melting pot with more tanning salons and theme parks than any one state should have, including water parks which is just nuts for a state that bills itself as the sunshine state and is bordered by water on three sides. We’ve had crazy out of control growth, and yet many pristine wild places remain. Florida is a contradiction, wrapped up in a conundrum, tied with a bit of whimsy, and just when you think you have her figured out, she surprises you.
The Florida Chamber of Commerce is going to hate me for saying this, but we have the worst bugs – giant, hideous, could star in a horror movie bugs. There are huge palmetto bugs that look like roaches on steroids. These things can be 4 or 5 inches long, at least, and they fly – straight at you. We have fire ants, scorpions, huge grasshoppers, spiders (which don’t bother me but some of them are as big as my hand), and some bugs that I don’t even know what they are but they look like they’re from another planet. Seriously, the sheer number and variety of bugs are an entomologist’s wet dream.
**** 6. What’s the best thing about spending winter holidays in Florida?
The weather! I didn’t see snow until I was 16 on a visit to Yellowstone in July so I never understood the appeal of a white Christmas. I watch the news and see people all bundled up scraping ice off of their cars and I just cannot imagine having to endure all that cold weather day in and day out for several months. It’s not surprising that so many people move south, though don’t move to Florida because we have these huge hideous bugs.
**** 7. Quite a few of your posts feature dancing (my personal favorite is RIGHT BOOB ESCAPES DURING TANGO). How much does dance feature in your day to day life?
I don’t dance nearly enough! When I lost my job, I moved back to the little town where I now live. I can’t indulge my love of salsa, cha cha and tango as much as I would like, though I did dance salsa in my living room with the cable repair man a few months ago. I do take a couple of dance classes each week and often just put on some music and dance around my house. Music and dancing lift my spirit like nothing else.
**** 8. Many of your posts including, CLOUDS, ICE, ALASKA and CALIFORNIA DREAMING are about your love of traveling. What was your favorite travel destination, and where would you like to go that you’ve never been?
My favorite trip was a walking photo safari in Kenya about 11 years ago. I had never camped before, at least not in a tent without electricity and running water. I went alone and had a fabulous time. Masai warriors, carrying spears, joined us on our treks through the Loita Hills. I witnessed the wildebeest migration on the Masai Mara, hyena feeding frenzies near the campsite and herds of elephants in East Tsavo. I saw Kilimanjaro and the Indian Ocean. The most amazing thing was just walking along and being just a few yards from impala, zebra and elephants. I also saw incredible poverty, yet these people who were living in tiny huts with next to nothing were warm, friendly and generous, welcoming us into their village and homes. They also recognized a fellow dancer, as I was chosen to join the Masai women as they danced around their campfire. It was the trip of a lifetime and I would go back to Africa in a heartbeat.
There are only two continents I haven’t set foot upon, but still so much of the world to see. I’ve never been to the Greek Islands, but ever since I watched the movie, Shirley Valentine, a few years ago, I have longed to spend a few weeks on a sailboat gliding through the Aegean Sea and exploring those islands. Maybe someday…….
**** 9. Lastly, your post 25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME doesn’t begin to sum up your clearly vibrant personality. What is the one thing about you most people would be surprised to learn?
Most people would be surprised to learn that I am surprising. I was surprised to find this out, too. People are always telling me that I am ‘surprisingly strong’ or ‘surprisingly athletic’ or ‘surprisingly deep.’ They are surprised by the things I’ve done, the places I’ve been and the thoughts I express. Not surprisingly, surprising is a wonderful way to be.
For more salsa fun follow Sandylikeabeach!
Next week’s SPaM features a three part interview with a special mystery guest. You won’t believe who it is!
For your own SPaM contact heellisgoa@gmail.com
Why No NaNoWriMo
Image courtesy of Ruthless Scribblings
For those of you out there who aren’t writers or who otherwise have lives, the month of November has officially been designated “National Novel Writing Month” by some invisible entity who I’m sure has financial interests in coffee beans and manufacturers of bandages worn by carpal tunnel syndrome sufferers.
What NaNoWriMo is supposed to represent is the coming together of writers into a virtual community where they offer each other support in pursuit of their craft. As a part-time writer and full-time poster child for Oppositional Defiance Disorder this endeavor was doomed to epic failuredom before I applied my first electron to virtual paper. So in the interest of self-analysis I’ve decided to break down the factors involved in why my second novel exists entirely in my mind. In no particular order I blame:
The New England Patriots – pound cake – Nadia G’s Bitchin’ Kitchen – my daughter’s adorable feet – Junior’s Burt Reynolds style laugh – an endlessly ringing phone thanks to Prince Charming’s charm – my mother’s inability to comprehend American television – Frank Stallone – my Jeep – The New Hampshire Primaries (stand by for a longer post tackling the magnitude of what I face daily due to this gift of the Granite State) and last but not least, this little ditty of a video that I have spent entirely too much time watching over and over. Seriously, it’s a train wreck.
And yes, that is indeed Ron Jeremy.
Why My Kid Is Awesome
Alright people, grab a drink and settle in because we’re going to be here a while. You’re in for some shameless mom bragging ahead. Seriously, I’ve got pictures.
My oldest kid, the seventeen year-old Prince Charming, is good at math. Good enough to figure out all on his own that he had a lot to do with why I never went to college. Recently, with the encouragement and support of fellow bloggers I decided to finally soldier up and do what I’ve always talked about doing; going to school. I know adults go to college all the time, but I can’t begin to express to you how totally out of my comfort zone this is.
Yesterday I got a pep talk from one blogger in particular that I decided to share with my kid. After I finished reading it my kid stood up, walked to his room and came back carrying his football helmet. He pointed to the inside and there, written across a piece of tape was the phrase, “Leadership is action, not position.” This wasn’t the first time I’d seen this written inside his helmet, but until last night I’d forgotten all about it.
My kid has played football every year since he was ten years-old; first in the Pee Wee league and then on into high school. And even though he’s played every position there is, it was the middle linebacker position that seemed the best fit. He held that position for three years before high school.
Then the day came for the high school football team try outs. He wanted that middle linebacker position more than anything and took the field hell-bent on making sure no one out performed him. No one did.
But he didn’t get middle linebacker. The town selectman’s son did. The son who never played a game of football a single day in his life. The son who never showed up to a practice straight and most days didn’t show up at all. The son of the town selectman who approved the budget for the new lights for the football field. A tough lesson for my kid to learn at thirteen.*
Now my kid’s got a temper, so I had a whole speech lined up and ready to give just as soon as I thought he was ready to hear it. But instead of ranting and raving and quitting the team like I thought he would, he wrote “Leadership is action, not position” on a piece of tape, stuck it to the inside of his helmet and without saying a word took the field at left tackle.
Last night I asked him what was going through his mind that first day, and why he didn’t react the way I thought he would. And that’s when my kid said, “After Coach announced the positions I tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t look me in the eye. That’s when I knew for sure he rolled over. So instead of walking I decided to play like I always play, no matter how messed up the reasons were behind it. I take the field to win for myself. It doesn’t matter how you get where you’re going in order to be successful, you just need to play to win. And I’m sure you will too.”
Yeah, I broke my “no cry” rule.
Now here’s some history on why my kid is awesome. I’m warning you, it’s not going to be brief.
- This is a kid who refused to take the field at the start of a football game because the opposing team couldn’t be bothered to stand for the Star Spangled Banner. He stood his ground until they did it over.
- This is a kid who got illegally slammed during the playoffs, swore up and down he was fine and refused to leave the field. Later at the hospital we found out he played the last three quarters of the game with two cracked ribs (as a parent I was horrified, but secretly I thought it was pretty badass).**
- In eighth grade he stood up for some shy girls who were being picked on by some mean girls. Those shy girls, as well as quite a few others banded together and made a fan club in his honor, complete with buttons with his picture on it. You better believe Junior never lets him forget this.
- He was hand selected by the high school guidance counselor to be the lead peer mentor for an in school program that works with at risk kids.
Has grown his hair to donate to the LOCKS OF LOVE charity three times.
- Was the only junior firefighter mentioned by name and honored in a ceremony by the Fire Chief for setting up a shelter during the ice storm that knocked power out of our region for nearly a month. He was fourteen years old.
- His volunteer efforts are too numerous to mention and he can often be seen digging out fire hydrants after snow storms or changing tires on the side of the road for little old ladies. No joke. It made the paper.
But life hasn’t been easy for my kid. Despite his best efforts he struggles for grades, and because of his looks was often a target for bullying when he was younger. The bullying quickly faded in high school when boys figured out that wherever there were girls, there was my kid (hence the nickname, Prince Charming).***
- Despite the fact that my younger son Junior is a living legend in our town, Prince Charming is Junior’s biggest fan and champion and never begrudges him a minute of his uber popularity.
- When his best friend decided to come out of the closet my kid was the only one who stood by him, and in the process lost many so-called “friends” and invitations to parties because of it. When the friend’s father kicked this boy out, my kid asked if he could live with us. He’s been with us for over a year now.
- His sophomore year my kid had a girlfriend named Rebekah. After her father was diagnosed with terminal cancer my kid spent every weekend the last month of this man’s life helping out with household chores like chopping wood and working on the family car. My kid was at this man’s home everyday for a week before he died, and delivered his first eulogy at the funeral. He delivered his second a week later when Rebekah was killed in a car accident herself. My kid was fifteen years-old.
With all the craziness that goes on in my day-to-day life it’s all too easy for me to forget just how amazing this kid is. Every decision I’ve made since he was born was to benefit him, so it’s almost impossible for me to imagine a time when I would do something strictly for myself. When I told him this he said, “I’m almost eighteen, which is technically a man, so now you can’t say you didn’t go to school because you had a kid to raise.” Then he handed me an algebra textbook he borrowed from school and said, “Now get to work.”
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* Ten days after positions were handed out the town selectman’s kid got busted for selling weed. Guess who got middle linebacker after all.
** The best tackle of the day wasn’t made by the opposing team against my kid; it was made by me slamming Junior as he shouted at the top of his lungs from the stands, “HEY KID! YEAH YOU! I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO MY BROTHER EVEN IF THE REF DIDN’T! YOU BETTER GET SOMEONE TO WALK YOU THROUGH THE PARKING LOT ‘CUZ I’M GONNA–” Yeah, that’s when I dropped him.
*** Last year my kid disappeared for about an hour or so every Wednesday night around 7pm. to “take a walk.” I began to get concerned so I flat-out asked him what was going on. Here’s how the conversation went:
KID: “I’m taking tango lessons.”
ME: “Nice try. Should I be worried?”
KID: “I’m serious. I overheard the girls on the dance team say that they were starting tango lessons at the dance academy downtown.”
ME: “Yeah, so?”
KID: “So how many guys do you think are going to join up? I’ll tell you how many. None. Now all those girls are going to need someone to practice dancing with. Think about it.”
Interesting side note, his plan worked so well that he went on to join the dance team officially. His football coaches are NOT happy.
