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Posts tagged “festive

Interview With Frosty The Snowman

christmas_joy_warms_the_heart_santa_claus_frosty_snowmanThis past year we’ve chronicled the rapid decline and ultimate downfall of a great holiday icon, Santa Claus. From his original sit down with us in Santa Spam One, to our very revealing interview with Mrs. Claus and right-hand elf Lipshitz in Santa Spam Two, and onto his now infamous drunken tirade in Santa Spam Three.

One can’t help but wonder how a man who rose to greatness could sink so low. Could examining his childhood shine a light onto the troubles that were to come? For those of you looking for answers look no further, because today we visit with a ghost from Santa’s Christmas’ past- his childhood friend and confidante:

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

H.E.: Hello blogworld and gather around. I’m standing out here freezing my soft bits off so that I can bring you an interview with an icon of Christmas, Frosty the Snowman. Frosty how are you today?

F.t.S.: Cold and hard, if you know what I mean.  If you treat me nice, I’ll let you hold my snowballs.  Whatya say?  A little friction could warm you up.  Hmmh?  C’mon!  What, nothin’ but a cold shoulder?  I could get that at home.  Can’t blame a guy for tryin’ though, eh?

H.E.: I’d like to tackle some hard-hitting questions first. You’re well-known for your corncob pipe, button nose and coal-lump eyes. Is this your personal statement about public smoking legislation, child labor in sweatshops, and open-pit mining?

F.t.S.: Nah!  I used to be much better turned-out, but then one day a big Chinook blew through.  Melted me right down to my bare essentials, you know what I’m sayin’?  By the time the runoff subsided, this was all my Eskimo friends could find in the storm drain, to put me back together with.  I went on the Inuit weight-gain diet to regain my Rubenesque look.  I had to eat whale meat and blubber.  If you had to eat nothing but whale meat, you’d blubber too.

H.E.: Hmm, I see. One more – not many people know, but years back you released a record to extend your fan base into summer that you called, “Frosty: the Wetter Side.” Any comment on that album and the rumors that you ripped off William Shatner’s idea?

F.t.S.: I wanted to title that one, “Slip and Slide”.  I think the kids would really have gone for it, but some toy company got all pissy about it.  Like they’re the only ones who ever had a good idea.  Far as I’m concerned they can all starve, but I guess lawyers gotta justify their existence.

Interesting that you should mention Shatner.  We found out later that the big warm blow that almost turned me into a tropical cloud, wasn’t really a Chinook.  It was just Bill comin’ through on a speaking tour.  I know I have a well-rounded….personality, but have you looked at him recently?  I looked up “fat chance” the other day, and there was a picture of him, eh.

H.E.: How have you come to grips with being a seasonal personality?

F.t.S.: It’s not bad.  It’s like being semi-retired.  Work a few months, and then kick back and live off the residuals.  I was thinking of expanding the market and working South America in the off-season.  I’ve already had to learn Inuit and that poutine French they speak in Quebec.  I didn’t think it was worth having to learn Spanish, besides, it’s almost impossible to get a refrigerated flight to Chile.

H.E.: Is there a Mrs. Frosty?

F.t.S.: There might soon be an ex-Mrs. Frosty.  She hasn’t just been Frosty; she’s been down-right frigid for years.  Santa’s been whining about losing Mrs. Claus, but he needs her or some other Harriet Homemaker type, to keep the elves out of trouble.  Polar bears and Arctic seals can take care of themselves.

H.E.: Two generations have seen the claymation TV specials, but in your own words, where the hell do you go between spring and early winter?

F.t.S.: Certainly not to Hell, unless you mean those few times when Hell freezes over.  I migrate north with the caribou.  I used to have a nice place just outside of Nome.  I could see Sarah Palin’s place from my front porch.  It was nice for a while, but now it’s all full of political reporters and comedy writers.  She got drunked-up one day, mistook me for a moose, and almost shot my ass.  Now I go so far up, that the North Pole sticks up my frozen assets.

H.E.: My sources tell me you are building a case to sue Wendy’s over their signature frozen shake name that they sell. Any comment on that?

F.t.S.: Who told you about Wendy??!  First Shatner, now her.  Have you been reading my biography galley?  We’re just friends!  Although she does have a warm heart, and a cold freezer.  The wife and I have been going to an Aleutian marriage counsellor, but if that doesn’t work out, I could move in with Wendy.  I might be a little cabin-fevery after six months in a meat locker, but she promises to make it worth my while.  She’s already been slipping me some of the royalties from my namesake treat.  I’ve been using it to hire a limo-dogsled for the trips north.

H.E.: Any final thoughts for the audience?

F.t.S.: Work hard to be a leader!  If you aren’t the lead dog in the sled-team, the view never changes.  Stay frosty, and like the Eskimos say, “Don’t eat yellow snow!”

Return for our next installment of the SANTA SHAME SPIRAL where we interview his dealer, LeMonjello Otis.

 


The SANTA SHAME SPIRAL Continues…Interview With Frosty The Snowman

christmas_joy_warms_the_heart_santa_claus_frosty_snowmanThis past year we’ve chronicled the rapid decline and ultimate downfall of a great holiday icon, Santa Claus. From his original sitdown with us in Santa Spam One, to our very revealing interview with Mrs. Claus and right-hand elf Lipshitz in Santa Spam Two, and onto his now infamous drunken tirade in Santa Spam Three.

One can’t help but wonder how a man who rose to greatness could sink so low. Could examining his childhood shine a light onto the troubles that were to come? For those of you looking for answers look no further, because today we visit with a ghost from Santa’s Christmas’ past- his childhood friend and confidante:

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

H.E.: Hello blogworld and gather around. I’m standing out here freezing my soft bits off so that I can bring you an interview with an icon of Christmas, Frosty the Snowman. Frosty how are you today?

F.t.S.: Cold and hard, if you know what I mean.  If you treat me nice, I’ll let you hold my snowballs.  Whatya say?  A little friction could warm you up.  Hmmh?  C’mon!  What, nothin’ but a cold shoulder?  I could get that at home.  Can’t blame a guy for tryin’ though, eh?

H.E.: I’d like to tackle some hard-hitting questions first. You’re well-known for your corncob pipe, button nose and coal-lump eyes. Is this your personal statement about public smoking legislation, child labor in sweatshops, and open-pit mining?

F.t.S.: Nah!  I used to be much better turned-out, but then one day a big Chinook blew through.  Melted me right down to my bare essentials, you know what I’m sayin’?  By the time the runoff subsided, this was all my Eskimo friends could find in the storm drain, to put me back together with.  I went on the Inuit weight-gain diet to regain my Rubenesque look.  I had to eat whale meat and blubber.  If you had to eat nothing but whale meat, you’d blubber too.

H.E.: Hmm, I see. One more – not many people know, but years back you released a record to extend your fan base into summer that you called, “Frosty: the Wetter Side.” Any comment on that album and the rumors that you ripped off William Shatner’s idea?

F.t.S.: I wanted to title that one, “Slip and Slide”.  I think the kids would really have gone for it, but some toy company got all pissy about it.  Like they’re the only ones who ever had a good idea.  Far as I’m concerned they can all starve, but I guess lawyers gotta justify their existence.

Interesting that you should mention Shatner.  We found out later that the big warm blow that almost turned me into a tropical cloud, wasn’t really a Chinook.  It was just Bill comin’ through on a speaking tour.  I know I have a well-rounded….personality, but have you looked at him recently?  I looked up “fat chance” the other day, and there was a picture of him, eh.

H.E.: How have you come to grips with being a seasonal personality?

F.t.S.: It’s not bad.  It’s like being semi-retired.  Work a few months, and then kick back and live off the residuals.  I was thinking of expanding the market and working South America in the off-season.  I’ve already had to learn Inuit and that poutine French they speak in Quebec.  I didn’t think it was worth having to learn Spanish, besides, it’s almost impossible to get a refrigerated flight to Chile.

H.E.: Is there a Mrs. Frosty?

F.t.S.: There might soon be an ex-Mrs. Frosty.  She hasn’t just been Frosty; she’s been down-right frigid for years.  Santa’s been whining about losing Mrs. Claus, but he needs her or some other Harriet Homemaker type, to keep the elves out of trouble.  Polar bears and Arctic seals can take care of themselves.

H.E.: Two generations have seen the claymation TV specials, but in your own words, where the hell do you go between spring and early winter?

F.t.S.: Certainly not to Hell, unless you mean those few times when Hell freezes over.  I migrate north with the caribou.  I used to have a nice place just outside of Nome.  I could see Sarah Palin’s place from my front porch.  It was nice for a while, but now it’s all full of political reporters and comedy writers.  She got drunked-up one day, mistook me for a moose, and almost shot my ass.  Now I go so far up, that the North Pole sticks up my frozen assets.

H.E.: My sources tell me you are building a case to sue Wendy’s over their signature frozen shake name that they sell. Any comment on that?

F.t.S.: Who told you about Wendy??!  First Shatner, now her.  Have you been reading my biography galley?  We’re just friends!  Although she does have a warm heart, and a cold freezer.  The wife and I have been going to an Aleutian marriage counsellor, but if that doesn’t work out, I could move in with Wendy.  I might be a little cabin-fevery after six months in a meat locker, but she promises to make it worth my while.  She’s already been slipping me some of the royalties from my namesake treat.  I’ve been using it to hire a limo-dogsled for the trips north.

H.E.: Any final thoughts for the audience?

F.t.S.: Work hard to be a leader!  If you aren’t the lead dog in the sled-team, the view never changes.  Stay frosty, and like the Eskimos say, “Don’t eat yellow snow!”

Return for our next installment of the SANTA SHAME SPIRAL where we interview his dealer, LeMonjello Otis.

 


The Dark Side Of Santa Claus

santa_arrested20721

With news of Santa’s recent jailbreak spreading like wildfire, I have decided to rerun the original blog posts that started it all- beginning with the original Christmas series SANTA SPAM 1-3. We’ll follow that up with daily interviews ranging from childhood friends who knew him when, to the riff raff who witnessed his fall from grace. This week promises to paint a picture of Santa as you’ve never seen him before. Ladies and Gentlemen I give you:

SANTA SPAM – PART ONE

SANTASPAM1


Turkey Incognito

turkey

All across America families are gathered around their tables in celebration of Thanksgiving; a holiday that commemorates the first harvest of 1621 for the Pilgrims of Plymouth, Massachusetts. Here in New England, the birthplace of Thanksgiving, we honor our forebears by keeping with the tradition of serving turkey, an indigenous bird to this part of the country.

While many of us view turkey as festive holiday fare, there are some who consider our gesture of patronage murder. There is one who goes so far as to call it genocide. Today’s holiday interview is like no other that’s come before, because today we are conducting our interview in a secret hide-out free from the tyranny of New England’s native carnivores. Today we interview Pro-foul resistance leader, Tom Turkey.

Hello, Tom. Forgive me for sounding trite, but how are you doing?

Eat me – that’s how I’m doing. Oh, I’m doing really well. Gobble gobble and shit. I’ve been soaking in this hot tub all day – it smells great, sort of spicy or something. It’s making me hungry! GAH! Wait a minute…

Without revealing too much information, can you explain what is involved in engineering and maintaining an underground system of foul relocation?

Ah yes, the Undergrain Railroad. Well first, some wild turkeys are helping out with that by disguising some of us with camouflage and leaves. Those guys are poultry in motion. Secondly, we eat nothing but donuts and burgers and Cheetos to ensure that even if we’re caught, we’re too fatty to be palatable.

From what your lieutenants tell me you’ve been able to successfully move over one thousand turkeys out of New England to a Vegan commune somewhere in rural California. What are the logistics involved in such a massive migration, and were there any bumps along the way?

Besides these red things, you mean? HA HA! GOL! (Ed. note: gobble out loud) One word: trains. This country hates trains, so it’s easy to sneak on like a bunch of hobos and ride them all across the country.  And when we can’t do trains, we ride bears. That’s right, bears! Grizzlies! In return for eating bugs.  They hate bugs.

Have there ever been any close calls?

Yes there have – hunters. Those damned turkey calling things are like a siren song to some of us. Some of us are really fucking stupid, and when they hear one of those things go off, they go running out, and BLAM! Though this one time, one of our boys was able to get someone shot in the face. Hilarious!

And there was that one time when someone got a little smart for her own good, and read a map, and saw this country called… you know. She put the wrong two with the wrong two and got… well, eaten.
 

What would you like to see the Obama administration do in the form of policies that would make hiding out unnecessary?
Useless, Hellis. Useless. It’s already been tried. Over 200 years ago, we started a grassroots whisper campaign to get Benjamin Franklin to make the turkey the national bird. We would have been set FOREVER! But that idiot ran out in a rain storm and got shocked, and he was never the same. We couldn’t even get him on the ballot. Eventually, he went to France. Yeah, France. I know, right! Gobbledammed eagles swooped up and took the bird prize. They’re endangered, of course, but no one is eating them, are they.

More than just winning sovereignty for the Turkey population, you’ve been quoted as stating you’d like to see the Thanksgiving holiday abolished altogether. What in particular about Thanksgiving (other than turkey consumption) do you find distasteful?

Cranberry sauce. Terrible stuff. Oh, and those hand thingies, where human children trace their hands and pretend they’re turkeys? What the hell – those look nothing like us.

What’s your opinion on Turduken?

Well, I’ve stuffed a duck AND a chicken before, if you know what I’m saying, and I’ve seen ducks and chickens having some fun, but… yeah… this is just sick.

Finally, where do you see yourself in the future?

President of Mars, which will be renamed Turkopolis. It will also be renicknamed The Red Thingie Planet.


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