Yes, you are correct, it is my birthday. I know this to be true because I follow Edward Hotspur’s blog and El Guapo’s blog and Ginger’s blog and Sandy’s blog (as well as kind email wishes from Trask Avenue, LeClown, and many a sweet comment from my good friends John E. and PMAO). All better blogs than mine, because quite honestly I completely forgot it was my birthday until I read them. Wait…more to the truth I forgot again that it was my birthday since my kick-arse British friend Megan wished me a Happy Birthday the night before (suck it, HR and Elias. She beat you to it).
It’s been through these good people that I’ve made even more friends today, and perhaps have even sold a book or two. That being said, I am not sure mere words can describe what all your birthday wishes mean to me. Without knowing me personally, you may not understand what a Dickensian upbringing I had, and how kind words and well wishes I never received as a child mean the world to me now. You have all become my family, and I am grateful for each and every one of you. Thank you for sharing my day.
For those of you who just can’t get enough of the holiday spirit, consider purchasing the collaborative blogger eBook:
ICONIC INTERVIEWS - The world’s most beloved holiday icons presented in a collection of irreverent interviews that take on the backstory of their imagined existences.
Your favorite bloggers are interviewed as iconic holiday characters, each one zanier than the next. All proceeds from the purchase of this book are donated to the bloggers collective project known as Wrists Around The World. For a free copy of this eBook as well as additional works from H.E. Ellis visit: www.wristsaroundtheworld.com
AVAILABLE IN EBOOK FORMAT THROUGH SMASHWORDS
AVAILABLE IN EBOOK FORMAT THROUGH AMAZON
AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK THROUGH AMAZON
I’D LIKE TO THANK THE FOLLOWING BLOGGERS FOR THEIR GENEROUS CONTRIBUTION:
BrainRants as Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus and Lipschitz the Elf
THANK YOU ALL AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!
As a kid growing up I had lots of crushes on boys and sometimes men, most of them actors on television. One of the earliest crushes I had was on a certain Latin actor named Erik Estrada, better known as Officer Francis “Ponch” Poncherello on a little show called CHiPs.
Anyway, what I remember most about that time were my prepubescent fantasies of a chance romantic encounter with Senor Estrada. Seeing that he is Puerto Rican, I had always imagined learning to speak Spanish in order to impress him when we finally met. I envisioned a mall scenario where my bilingual ability would impress him enough to set me apart from all the other adoring fans. Enough for him to invite me into his van (Note to all you youngsters out there- all sexy guys in the 80′s had vans. And mustaches, but that’s another blog post). So for my weekly offering to Romantic Monday I bring you:
AN ODE TO ERIK ESTRADA
I stand in a line that stretches the length of the mall, sipping my Orange Julius, waiting patiently for the Latin object of my preteen desire to sign my copy of Dynamite Magazine. I size up the competition standing between me and my love while I wait. I count ten blonde heads in all.
They must have known someone to get in line in front of me, I tell myself in consolation. I’ve been here since five a.m. goddamn it. No one loves Erik Estrada more than I do.
I do little to hide my glee as I watch girl after eager girl dismissed with an autograph but without a second glance. Little by little I inch closer to the man who I am convinced will someday make me his bride. Anticipating a kiss, I pop a stick of Zebra Stripe gum into my mouth as I wait patiently for him to notice me.
Finally I reach him- sitting behind a table, his glorious dark hair feathered just so. My heart races as I pass him my magazine, intentionally brushing my hand against his as I do. He doesn’t look up as I ask for his autograph, and I can tell he thinks I am just another groupie only interested in the celebrity that surrounds him.
Oh Erik, my love, I am determined to prove you wrong!
He heaves a heavy sigh as he scribbles his name and without looking up says, “Is this it?”
He slowly raises his eyes to meet mine and we stare deep into each others eyes for what seems like forever…the two of us locked in a gaze of pure intimacy.
“You speak Spanish?” he finally asks, clearly impressed with my dedication to learning all that I can about him.
I answer clearly. “Si.”
In an instant he’s up and around the table. He grabs my hand and pulls me quickly through the crowd of jealous teenage rejects to the exit doors that empty into the alley behind the mall. There awaits a van, his van, the site of my soon-to-be epic deflowering.
He slides the door open and hops in, reaching a hand out to pull me inside. Once I’m in he slides the door closed and tells me to make myself comfortable. I lay down on a purple silk bed built into the rear of the van while he twists the cap off a wine cooler and then pushes play on a cassette tape. David Bowie’s China Girl pours out of the speakers as he hands me my Bartles & James and says, “I want you to be my only Chica…”
My voice trembles as I say, “Si.”
He takes the drink from my hand and sets it down before he pulls me in close to him. The intoxicating scent of Aqua Velva mingled with Latin machismo emanates from his skin leaving me dizzy and breathless. He breathes in deep my own scent of Jean Nate and teenage lust as his hands move slowly to my back, working their way under my shirt. My skin is soft to him and smells “delicious.” He asks if he can taste me.
My breasts heave as I say, “Si.”
Sliding his hands up my body, he brings them to my face and then leans in to place sweet, gentle kisses at the corners of my lips, his tongue working its way into my mouth, tasting me as promised. His kiss is passionate and deep and makes me feel like the woman I am desperate to be. He asks if I want more.
Our breath mingles as I pant, “Si.”
I feel the beat of his heart racing with mine and the intensity of his desire through the denim of his Jordache for Men. My hand finds its way to his manhood straining against his jeans. I let my hand linger, teasing him. He begs me to set him free.
I whisper, “Si.”
I let loose the top button just as strong hands stop me, holding me in place. My beautiful Latin lover stares down at me with dark brown eyes and whispers, “You’re eighteen, right?”
I smile as I lie.
FOR EVEN MORE ROMANTIC MONDAYS VISIT:
For those of you who don’t know, I am obsessed with Halloween on a level that can only be described as unhealthy. So as part of the Hellis Hellish Halloween Holiday – Four-H – I’ll be bringing you an exclusive weekly mini-series of Halloween-centric posts with various Halloween icons. We’ll start our interviews with a highly reclusive star of the annual All Hallows Eve festivities, the Werewolf.
H.E.: Good morning, Mr. Wolf.
Wolf: Good morning, thanks for tracking me down.
H.E.: No problem! I… uh, have a list of questions, but I have to ask, are those tattoos real, and you have to tell me what kind of cologne you’re wearing.
Wolf: (grins) Oh, of course they are, and they’re not any kind of tribal you’ve ever seen before. There are more, of course. As for the cologne, I’m sorry but I’m not wearing anything but me. I’m not offensive, am I?
H.E.: God no… I mean, of course not. You’re kind of… catnip-ish, in a good way… a very good way.
Wolf: It’s funny, you know. I get that a lot.
H.E.: (dabbing perspiration) I see… so on to the meat… I mean body… er, main part of the interview… What would you say is the best part of Halloween these days?
Wolf: Oh, I’d say the pumpkins. I mean, sure there are your basic Jack o’ Lanterns, but I tell you the new special kits these days… wow.
H.E.: I’m sure nobody ever suspected your artistic side. People are probably surprised to know you’re a bit reclusive. Will you share why?
Wolf: Other than the obvious? People don’t understand me. I’m either this (gestures at himself), or I’m a rampaging beast, completely terrorizing normal folks, taking what I want, and leaving devastation behind.
H.E.: Guh… uhhhm, right. I completely undre… understand. So you would say you have trouble keeping stable relationships going?
Wolf: Absolutely, and don’t get me started about vegetarians. The last one I dated… let’s say it turned out badly.
H.E.: So is there an up-side to this Werewolf situation?
Wolf: Honestly, yes. For one, no male-pattern baldness. That’s a plus these days. Also, my stamina is completely off the scale…
H.E.: (stabs herself in the leg with her pen) Mmph.
Wolf: Are you all right, Miss Ellis?
H.E.: Yes… yes. All right, moving on. How do you feel about the way popular culture has portrayed you and those like you?
Wolf: Do you have enough tape for this? Oh, it’s digital. First thing is, I’m not necessarily a wolf, H.E. I’m a shapeshifter. Also, when you say, “those like you,” that’s another misconception. I’m one of a kind.
H.E.: (mumbles) Oh, yes, you are…
H.E.: Guh… nothing… please go on.
Wolf: Right, well, ‘werewolf’ is a German term, where actually I’ve been more aligned to the Norse concept of things. I can shift shape into what I like when I like. I’d also like to take the opportunity to say that I’m not at war with vampires, and the whole silver bullet thing? It’s a myth.
H.E.: So you’re saying that the moon thing, and the wanton rampaging and killing…
Wolf: Is part of the myth. I’ve hunted herd animals on farms. I’ve done ‘wanton rampaging’ but to my recollection, nobody ever literally died when I did that.
H.E.: (tossing question list over her shoulder) Okay, just growl for me.
Even though I’ve been taking a break from SPaM in order to write the REAPERS WITH ISSUES series, I had to come back today in order to introduce to you all someone truly special. For those of you out there who may not know, there is a rockin’ chick among us who is somewhat new to blogworld. I’ll let her About Me page speak for itself:
Essa Alroc is an Orlando, Florida based freelance writer who published works include “The Blurb About Freshness on the Back of Your Deodorant” and “Understanding Your Utah 529 Plan”. When she’s not at work, fantasizing about setting her cubicle on fire, she is working on her first full length novel. It is not about deodorant or financial aid plans.
1. Your writing style is edgy, to say the least. What influences do you attribute to forming your particular writing style?
I was born and raised on heavy sarcasm and using humor in the place of emotions. My life’s motto is if your going to bitch about something, at least make it funny. That way people will actually listen. When I was growing up, I was an overweight kid with bad teeth, who wore my brothers hand me downs. If it wasn’t for my incredible ability to hurt someone’s feelings, I would have made one hell of a target. Luckily for me, the weight came off, the teeth got fixed with braces, but I never lost the ability to come up with some seriously scathing commentary. I also still wear my brothers hand me downs.
2. You live and write in Florida. How does living in the south influence what you write?
Florida both fascinates and horrifies me. I have a theory that something to do with the heat makes the people here crazy and violent. What I like about this state is that things that would be ridiculous anywhere else seem normal in Florida. I draw on a lot of my experiences here for both my fiction and non fiction work and I never seem to run out of things I write about it. What I dislike about Florida is all the rapes and murders…and lack of Jack in the Boxes. I miss their curly fries.
3. Your page MAKE ME YOUR BITCH speaks to your ability to write for hire. How does writing for someone else’s project differ from writing your own, and what can someone expect in the way of services?
My first love is humor writing, but in today’s market, it’s not a viable career option. Luckily, thanks to the plethora of jobs I’ve had, I’m able to write about a large range of subjects and still make them readable (and g-rated). My goal when I’m writing someone’s page is to get them SEO hits and at the same time, give value to the reader who was searching for their page in the first place. When someone types a query into a search engine, they’re not looking to get sold something. They’re looking for an answer to their question. My goal is to answer that question and still make my clients page come out on top. At the same time, I have to keep it free of my personal opinion and four letter words. Sometimes it’s easy, like when I’m writing an article about medical marijuana. Sometimes, it’s impossible, like when I’m trying to come up with 10 things I like about Mitt Romney. Number 1 was his hair.
4. Tell us about STRANGELY SOBER.
Strangely Sober was a novel born of frustration. Frankly, I was tired of reading about unworldly heroines who need the hero to show them how things are done. I’m not like that, and I don’t think most women are like that. Having a vagina doesn’t make me a bumbling, clumsy, insecure mess who can’t handle life on her own. I’ve lived a full life and I think a lot of people have. I created my protagonist, Angelica Salvatori, AKA Sal, because of that. She drinks too much. She smokes too much. She lives everyday like zombie apocalypse is right around the corner. She adapts and re adjusts as necessary. Personally, I think that’s what life is all about.
5. Tell us about ASYMMETRIC ANGELS.
I wrote Asymmetric because I didn’t feel ready to let go of Sal. There were some loose ends to tie up from the first novel and I didn’t think her story was over yet. Asymmetric has been a challenge to write, because it’s got some strong religions undertones in it, despite the fact that I am not remotely religious. It’s a sequel to my first novel and its where my heroine, Sal, tries to create a shaky opinion on faith and at the same time, tries to adapt to a world that is constantly changing for her. Asymmetric is a novel about getting to know yourself. It also has explosions, a high body count and a recurring Gary Busey hallucination. Can’t disappoint my readers while I’m trying to be artsy.
6. How does blogging effect writing, if at all?
Blogging is a release for me. Its entertainment writing in its highest form. I don’t use my webpage in my portfolio, because it’s my hobby. I don’t allow marketing on it, and even my own marketing blurb for my business is kind of a joke. I don’t want my readers distracted by ads. I want them to laugh. I don’t censor myself and I don’t want to do that for a sponsor. All my blogs are born out of an everyday experience that can be made ridiculous using the right words. The world is a ridiculous place, and the ability to laugh at that ridiculousness makes us powerful. I laugh at the Westborough Baptist Church, the economic crisis and child prostitution because I understand the power of humor. I go by the lessons I’ve learned from George Carlin and Richard Prior. ANY topic can be made funny when given the right delivery. That approach makes me fearless in my writing.
7. What have you learned most from writing your novel?
Be prepared for change. When I originally wrote ‘Strangely’, it was called ‘Unforgettable’ and it was written about a schoolteacher with eidetic memory. Two days before I released it, NBC released a show called “Unforgettable”, about a cop with eidetic memory. Instead of releasing it anyway, or trashing the whole series, I adapted it, changed it, until it was a completely different novel. Now, I’m glad that happened, because ‘Strangely” is about 10000 times better than what it was originally.
8. What advice would you give other would-be novelists?
Put your novel away for 6 weeks after you finish it and then read it again. It’s like being a first time reader. Maybe you realize your novel is, in fact, genius. Maybe you realize its crap. Maybe NBC puts out yet another shitty crime drama show and you have to start all over. Either way, you’ll be glad you did it.
9. Who are your favorite authors?
I love Jacqueline Susann, because she made trash literary genius. Read “Valley of the Dolls” closely and you realize that Neely O’Hara is Scarlett O’Hara. I love Piers Anthony because he makes sci-fi/fantasy a commentary on politics that hasn’t been met since Orwell’s “1984”. Finally, I love Tim Dorsey because he writes about Florida with tongue in cheek humor that delivers both admiration and disdain for this wild and crazy state. If Serge Storms were real, I would totally be stalking him.
10. Where do you see your next project taking you?
Well, the final book in the bar series, Gio’s Gift, is already breaking my heart because I’m murdering off a character I’ve grown very attached too. After I’ve uncurled myself from my sobbing emo ball, I’ll be working on something I’m calling the Dark/Light series, which I’m hoping comes to par with some of Anthony’s more political novels. It will be my first foray into science fiction and is loosely based on Nietzsche assertion that God is dead. Personally, I don’t think God is dead. I think he’s a sandwich artist at Subway…at least, he will be in my book. I hope eventually to make enough from my humor and fiction projects to focus on them full time. I think as long as I keep typing away and putting my best literary foot forward, it will happen.
Or I’ll wind up a sandwich artist at Subway.
GET A FREE DIGITAL COPY OF STRANGELY SOBER TODAY ONLY BY CLICKING BELOW:
I’d like to take a moment to step outside of the humor box and use my blog post today as an opportunity to spread awareness for a cause I truly believe in.
There comes a time in the lives of all bloggers when we find a need to step back and reflect on our journey through the virtual utopia that is Blogworld. Some of us have come here to broaden our horizons and to find inspiration within the photo or travel blogs that pepper the Freshly Pressed page. Many of us find comfort and community amongst the animal lover or mommy blogs of WordPress. Still others use their blog to extract humor from the banality of the workday life and to share their plight with the blog world around them.
But once in a great while there comes a blogger who stands out among the rest- a blogger who effortlessly straddles the line between tragedy and comedy. A blogger who bucks convention with his often times controversial opinions on the validity of religion or the sanctity of marriage or the awesomeness of Star Trek. A blogger who challenges the status quo, strives to enlighten both men and women alike, and who boldly laughs in the face of clowns.
It is this singular blogger who I believe can deliver us all into an era of change and lead us down a path of righteousness and light. That is why I, Hellis of Bloggerland, am asking its citizens for their support and their vote for EDWARD HOTSPUR as champion of the BLOGGER IDOL contest.
“Amongst the weeds of the world, a flower grows…”
CAST YOUR VOTE FOR EDWARD HOTSPUR HERE:
F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES is a compilation project for bloggers who wish to take up the challenge of writing their own spin on a classic fairy tale. Bloggers are invited to choose one of the tales below and leave their choice in the comments. Only one tale per blogger, please. I will update the list as soon as the choices roll in. Tales are assigned on a first come, first choose basis.
Each tale is to be no more than 5000 words in length, and can be as funny, sick, twisted, erotic or vanilla as you wish. Once your tale is finished feel free to email it back to me where I will run it in a feature post as well add it to the page above. When all the tales are complete, I will work with a publishing company who is volunteering to publish the compilation of works in both ebook and paperback formats. All proceeds from the compiled works will be donated to a participating charity, with sales records made available to contributors annually.
UPDATE – ALL TALES ARE ASSIGNED. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PARTICIPATE AND HAVE NOT RECEIVED A TALE, LEAVE AN IDEA IN THE COMMENTS AND I’LL ADD IT TO THE LIST.
I got this idea from fellow rockin’ chick Darlene at THE DAILY WOMAN. Make sure you check out her post which is witty and insightful as opposed to mine which is…well, you’ll see.
You know how you are absolutely certain that you are going to take off to New York and become a dancer/artist/photographer after high school? Or how you are NEVER going to get married or have children, ever? Well here’s some advice I’d like to give you from the future to make your impending reality bearable.
1. Get off your high horse and date a nerd. Trust me on this.
2. Start studying for the S.A.T.s NOW.
3. Yeah, don’t get attached to all the awesome. Or to your ass, because in twenty years it is going to expand into epic proportions.
4. Your English Lit teacher is NOT correct. What you write will not forever be considered, “the sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate.”
5. Teenaged boys lie. Even the nice ones.
6. Don’t listen to your father.
7. No, your hair does NOT look cool like that.
8. George Michael is gay. Don’t waste your time.
9. What makes you popular at fifteen doesn’t mean shit when you’re forty. Grow a personality now.
10. DO NOT MARRY THE HOT ROMANIAN GUY BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THE LOST BOYS!!!!!
For more “Dear Me” letters visit CHATTING AT THE SKY.
TODAY IS THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF MY BLOG! TO COMMEMORATE THIS AUSPICIOUS OCCASION I HAVE DECIDED TO RERUN MY VERY FIRST BLOG POST.
PLEASE TO ENJOY…
So yeah, I wrote a book.
I must have been high when I wrote it because there’s no other explanation I can give for my 120,000 word upper YA novel where the only noun I used more than “boner” was “blood.” It goes without saying that I’m self-published. I didn’t even try to submit it traditionally. Can you just imagine the poor agent who gets my query letter?
“My novel, THE GODS OF ASPHALT is complete at 120,000 words and is the first in a series of five books that for some reason I’ve decided to write out-of-order. Each one is told from the point of view of a teenage male protagonist who has exactly zero supernatural powers (unless you consider perpetual erections a superpower). Oh, and it also has Spanish subtitles.”
On the good side, if you’re like me and are just a little too into music, motorcycles and all around badassery this is the book for you. If you’re not, I’m sure Jodi Picoult’s got a blog somewhere. You can find the opening to chapter one at the top of the page under the tab GOA REVIEWS and you can find my book on line at:
Something must be in the air, because not only am I working on a four-book compilation of short stories, my friend Dayton over at THE FOG OF WARD has just completed a joint effort himself entitled ReDues: Divine Tales.
FROM THE BACK JACKET:
The gods have returned.
All of them!
The change promised by the ending of the Mayan Calendar in 2012 manifested itself in an unexpected manner. Every pantheon of gods and goddess, from every belief the world over, have returned … changing the world forever.
As the pantheons settle into their ancestral lands, they vie for worshippers, gaining or losing power along the way. They find the world of man a bewildering, crazy quilt, and each wishes to remake their lands in their own image.
Come and meet some of the inhabitants of this strangely familiar world in eleven new tales that explore what it means to worship in this new reality. A Knight Templar hunting mysteries. A rookie pitcher with a unique belief system. A wounded solider returned to battle by a goddess. A reporter who isn’t sure what to believe. A homicide detective on the Manhattan beat. A man out to kill the gods. A single father trying to survive in a world without Santa Claus. And many more!
Chronicling this new tomorrow are Dave Galanter, Allyn Gibson, Phil Giunta, Robert Greenberger, Paul Kupperberg, William Leisner, Scott Pearson, Aaron Rosenberg, Lawrence M. Schoen, Dayton Ward, and Steven H. Wilson. Join them and discover a world where everything old is new again—even the gods themselves.
ReDeus: Divine Tales, published by Crazy 8 Press, will premiere at the Shore Leave convention in Baltimore the weekend of August 3-5, and will be available in both trade paperback and electronic format on or around that time, as well.
UPI / AP Wire
North Pole – More developments in the ongoing case against Santa Claus came to light this morning at the North Pole Superior Court. Claus, arrested in January on drug and prostitution charges, has seen his case go from bad to worse.
Jose Baez, of the Casey Anthony case fame, was visibly incensed after the arraignment proceedings last week, accusing the North Pole District Attorney of obstructionism and failure to disclose evidence.
The North Pole DA, normally reticent on such matters, did issue a statement in response: “Mr. Baez is frustrated and angry on his client’s behalf. While we are sensitive to that, I’d remind Mr. Baez that we do things a bit differently up here at the Pole.”
The outrage of last week stemmed directly from the fact that the NP DA Office introduced a host of additional charges that included workplace safety code violations, international trade agreement restrictions infringements, and internet commerce fraud among the most severe listed.
The Superior Court Judge allowed these charges and associated evidence, and attorneys on both sides have been hunkered down until this morning.
Gloria Allred, standing on the steps of the Lower Court with her arm about Mrs. Claus, announced this morning that she had just filed divorce proceedings on her client’s behalf. In the highly-publicized statement, she said, “This landmark case will strike a blow for all abused women everywhere. No longer will men of power be able to use their image and reputation to keep good women as virtual servants or as scapegoats.”
Following the announcement, the filing was immediately leaked and Mrs. Claus is apparently seeking extensive damages and outright control over much of the Claus empire.
Prior to release of this report, the District Attorney filed a freeze on Santa Claus’ many accounts given the size of the punitive damages sought by Mrs. Claus. This successful motion was granted just as Baez was prepared to ask for bail on his client’s behalf.
“This reeks of a conspiracy,” Baez said, somewhat stunned afterward. “My client is being literally violated daily in jail, and to allow this manipulation of his life and liberty is beyond comprehension.”
Baez is expected to announce tomorrow an open fund to finance Claus’ eventual bail.
*Good Afternoon, uh…is there such a thing as a time reference like “afternoon” in your reality?
Why wouldn’t there be? I’m just like you, missy. Minus the white beard. But don’t worry. It’s nothing a little electrolysis can’t help you with. (Bursts out laughing and slaps his knee). Man, I slay me! See what I did there?
I took the white beard reference and applied it to you! Since this is a print interview, people will think you have a white beard! Haha!
*Yes, I got it. Hilarious.
I know, right? I missed my calling, but relatively speaking stand-up comedy is a new thing. What would I have done before what you people call the 20th century? Wear a jester’s hat? No way. I have my pride. Plus, have you ever seen a comedian with such impressive biceps?
What? You want me to flex?
*No, thanks. Do time references like “afternoon” exist in your reality?
Oh, that. No offense, sweetie, but that’s dumb question. I mean I’m sitting here with you, aren’t I? In the afternoon. I would think the answer is obvious.
*It’s not afternoon everywhere.
Hey, don’t get all smart-ass and technical. Although I am everywhere I can’t be everywhere. I have to be somewhere, even if I am everywhere. So wherever I am, which doesn’t mean everywhere, is where I am. And when I am there, like I am here, I follow the clock like everyone else. By the way, do you know why clocks die?
Because their time is up! Haha! Get it? You see when people die other people say their time was up. So when you apply that to clocks it takes on a whole new double meaning!
*That begs for your thoughts on how we measure time.
You mean how I taught you to measure time. The truth is you people need structure and organization. Have you looked in your closets? So I gave it to you. However, to be fair, precision rocks my world. Without some sort of time structure your life would be chaotic, but mine would be completely different. I wouldn’t be a celebrity, for one. I’d only be that guy with the amazing bod and killer sense of humor. No one would call me Father Time which would be tragic since my given name is Vivien. Hey, wanna see my pecs?
*Since you’ve been around forever you must have witnessed some amazing moments in history. Can you tell us which event was your favorite?
Been around forever? Is that some sort of age crack?
*Of course not. All I’m saying is you are a man of experience.
That’s true. I am. I get a little sensitive when people start talking about age because it is saddled with all these pre-conceived notions. So what if I have a few trillion miles under my belt? I’m still sharper than a Ginsu knife. Not only that, I have quads to die for.
*I’m sure you do. Now back to your favorite moment in history. When was it?
Right now, baby. (winks)
*Which event did history get wrong?
It would be easier to answer which event history got right.
*Okay, which event did history get right?
What? Do I look like some sort of history expert? (Doubles over in laughter.) Sucker! You fell right into that one! Am I killing it or what? Dane Cook couldn’t touch me on his best day! Haha!
*Is there a special lady friend in your life?
Look at me. What do you think? This magic doesn’t just happen. It takes hard work and let me tell you, the ladies appreciate it. One peek at my lats will convince you.
*I’m flattered, but let’s keep this professional.
Oh I’ll keep it professional alright, sugar.
*I have no idea what that means. Do you have any inside information on the Mayans and their world-end predictions?
They were a fun-loving group, the Mayans. Did a bit too much peyote, which is never a good thing. I’ll tell you this much though. Even when the world ends, time will continue. Which means – cha-ching! – I have nothing to worry about.
*What is the one thing most people get wrong about you?
That I’m a “father”. I’m not. I challenge anyone to produce a paternity test that says otherwise. And if they do show me a test it better be multiple choice. Haha!
Nothing is what it seems in Edward Hotspur’s world. Inspired by the ultra-humorous author’s blog, his compilation book entitled SCENES FROM A MORNING DRIVE reads like a Lewis Carroll novel ghost-written by William Shakespeare as spoofed by Monty Python. More than just words, SCENES FROM A MORNING DRIVE is short fiction at its best.
With the weather often inspiring his moods and his esoteric musical stylings an ever constant soundtrack; Edward Hotspur waxes poetic on everything from road construction to cloud formations to office minutiae. His skillful way with words and unique perspective on love, life and laughter bring new meaning to the term “triple threat.”
Sometimes heartwarming, often tragic but always humorous SCENES FROM A MORNING DRIVE takes the scenic route through Edward Hotspur’s mind and shows you the world as you have never seen it before.
Today I was lucky enough to score a book interview with the one and only Red from Momma’s Money Matters; a blog about, “Money, parenting, blogging, psychology…good advice delivered with a bit of snark and humor.”
In addition to Red being a blogging powerhouse and gracious post host; she managed to do what almost no one in the world has been able to do. Yes, Red convinced me to tell a dirty little secret about myself.
That’s right people, I have been deflowered. Les the Great over at Bestbathroombooks gave me my first interview ever for Book One of my THE GODS OF ASPHALT series. Just as you might expect, it was long and hard and filled with tires.
See for yourself by taking a hop over to Bestbathroombooks for his review and my interview. Don’t forget to stop by his own book page where you can pick up a copy of TOILETRY FROM A-Z where a portion of the proceeds go to colon cancer research.
And don’t worry, he’ll be gentle.
“Every Monday you will be entertained by the humorous strips of QUICK APPLIANCE REPAIR (a strip about two idiot brothers working for their Dad) and MISSISSIPPI SWAMP DRAGONS (as the name suggests this strip is about a psychotic chicken in a floppy ear hat and a pessimistic clown). They are joined by a third humor strip by the name of BUBBA GNOMES. Basically gnomes with a redneck twist.”
This week we take a trip into the mind of this self-proclaimed “nut” and see what makes his pen tick.
**** 1. What first influenced you to become an artist, and how did that lead to the medium of webcomics?
When I was One year old I wanted a pencil and paper and I’ve never have put them down since. I have literally been drawing all of me life. When I was three I was fascinated by the Sunday funnies. I would lay in the floor and imitate them in my drawings. That’s when I decided I wanted to do comics when I got older…( notice I didn’t use the phrase ” grow up “)… Later I found out they had words with them. WHAT A CONCEPT! I got interested in comic books also starting with the Richie Rich’s and Casper’s and as I got older the Marvel & DC super heroes.
Back in those days we could buy them off a rack in any convenience store….and we rode the bus to school, uphill , both ways, in the snow…. As I read more super heroes I drew more super heroes. My first love was still the funny pages in newspapers though. I created HERMAN THE PSYCHOTIC CHICKEN by accident in 9th grade art class. It would still be years later before I knew what to do with him. My senior year term paper was on Comics. That was before the interwebs and I had to go to this brick building in the center of town they called a Library. During college I fleshed out HERMAN and paired him with a pessimistic Clown by the Name of KNOTHEAD. a couple of years later I started the QUICK APPLIANCE REPAIR strip. I would draw up strips and read articles to see what size to draw them and make reduce photo copies of them to store. At the time I didn’t know what to do with them , I just wrote and drew and stock piled. I would create a new strip here and there and keep drawing.
Eventually I started my own comics paper and published it for free monthly with ad money from it. I ran it for four years and used a website to promote the paper. I wished I realized then how better off I would have been to have used the paper to promote the website. I was reading comics on the web but I only had samples of my comics on the web and should have been updating it the whole time. Due to some family illnesses I shut down the paper and moved it totally to the web in 2007. I started the paper back WHILE KEEPING THE WEBSITE GOING but only for a few months before making it a digital periodical.
**** 2. How much of your characters in your comic strip are based on real people?
I once told a group of people that the majority of the characters were slivers of my own personality and if I didn’t write and draw them out that there was a good chance that I would turn into a schizophrenic with multiple personalities. I have over a hundred characters running thru me noggin.
The Digital Periodical actually comes out on Wednesday & Friday also. Each day has different humor strips and all three day have an action adventure sci fi serial that’s ongoing. Question 6 deals with that so let me list my humor strips. QUICK APPLIANCE REPAIR ( two idiot brothers working for their dad in the appliance repair business )… MISSISSIPPI SWAMP DRAGONS ( a psychotic chicken in a floppy ear hat and a pessimistic clown, there are two swamp dragons in the strip also )… DAWN OF TIME ( Bubba the caveman and his chimp friend Milo )… CAPN’ GEEZER ( space / time patrol and his companions, arch nemesis travels in a port-o-pottie time machine…. SPACE REDNECKS ( Houston MS with it’s own space program )… GOING BATTY ( mad scientist and the critters in his castle )…. BUBBA GNOMES ( mythology with a redneck twist )…. “!?!” ( a strip that will never have any words and rely solely on the action of the main character for the humor. To pronounce the name of this title simply put your finger in your mouth pressing on the inside of a cheek at a sideways angle bringing it out fast to make a popping sound )…. My but that’s a lot of strips I tells ya. That’s eight humor titles with over a hundred , maybe a hundred fifty characters total.
There are a few friends that appear in the strips as “extras”. They get speaking lines and such but the number is less than ten. Some of the Characters in the QAR strip are INSPIRED by me and my brother and some family members but are not actually us. They just have a lot of our quirks.
**** 3. Do you find it difficult to come up with inspiration and ideas on a regular basis?
Actually I find it hard to shut it off. Not that I actually try to shut it off at any time. After the first two strips I kept having ideas for a third. I figured I would go ahead and draw some of the cavemen strips just to get them out of my head. The next thing I know I have a third strip. Now it’s up to eight humor strips. I usually pre write strips in advance in a note book and draw them later. I see the humor side of just normal events that happen thru the day.
**** 4. Do you find it more or less difficult to exist as an artist now that our media has shifted toward online distribution and away from traditional print?
I love the way it is now. Even here in Mississippi I sell as many books on cd as pdf’s as I do in print. The internet is great for distribution. I’ve made my paper a Digital Periodical that’s free to anyone who wants it. I no longer have to pay a printer and where I was limited to 4000 copies a month I can now send an infinite amount thru email. I use the WordPress blogs for my archives and people are always finding me on that. Add the Facebook, twitter, and YouTube as promotion tools and anyone can self publish their work.
**** 5. In addition to your humorous comic strips you’ve written a series of short horror stories called MISFITS AND MAYHEM. What inspired you to create horror graphic novels?
I loves me some horror I do. I’ve always have just wanted to write and draw some horror stories. I used to read horror comics as a kid and still do from time to time now. Although the more you write and draw the less time you have to read. I use a totally different style of art and writing for my horror , and the horror stories have a horror host by the name of CREEPY CLYDE that runs a night carnival. This is the only project that I’ve used someone else to help on. A friend of mine writes half of the stories in the books and I write the other half. Then I draw, letter and ink the whole book. I do throw in some dark humor into my stories also.
**** 6. You mention a series of SciFi graphic novels in the works. What prompted you to go in the direction of SciFi? Also, our readers need to know the answer to this question…are you a Trekkie or a Jedi?
First off….I’m a Whovian ( Doctor Who ). But I usually watch it all. I’m more fond of the original three Star Wars films and did meet Dave Prowse ( actor in the Darth Vader costume ) at a con in 1993. But I’ve seen all of the Trek series, read a bunch of the novels and comic books. If I had to chose one over the other it would be Trek over Star Wars , but Doctor Who before anything else.
The SciFi graphic novels are being drawn three pages a week now. They appear in the BubbaWorld Comix Digital Periodical every week on all three days at the bottom of the pages. It’s an ongoing Time Travel Adventure That I draw in a similar style to the horror comics I do. I call it ” DOX “. It’s awesomeness I tells ya. I wrote it as a novel a few years back during the month of November. Yes… i wrote a 75,000 word novel in 28 days. I never did anything with the manuscript because I really wanted it to be a series of graphic novels.
I’m drawing the pages horizontal like a comic strip from the funny pages instead of the traditional way ( vertical ) so it will do better on a computer screen with less scrolling. The print form of the books as they come out will be in a landscape style and shape because of this. I still use humor in my writing but this is a more serious subject. It has mystery and deaths and violence in it. In other words pure Awesomness!
**** 7. What does the future hold for BubbaWorld Comix?
Flying cars I hope … I want me my own personal flying car. Oh and more subscribers. The more people I have reading my comics the better. I had one person years ago ask me if I was the next Charles Schultz? I told them, “No, I’m the first Andy Childress.” I did love Peanuts and it had a lot to do with me wanting to become a cartoonist. Right now though I just need anyone who enjoys my comics to spread the word to their friends about it. My official website is BUBBAWORLDCOMIX.NET and you can get the Digital Periodical just by emailing me at firstname.lastname@example.org with “SUBSCRIBE” in the subject of the email.
I’ve also got other ideas for more graphic novels later on and I will be doing a third volume of MISFITS & MAYHEM.
See ya in the funny Web Pages.
For more space madness follow Bubbaworldcomix
For your own feature SPaM post contact me at email@example.com
Next week’s SPaM features the enigmatic Rantonit!
Whenever I think about New Years Eve specific images spring to mind; social gatherings, alcoholic beverages, fireworks…..kissing. So I thought to myself, what better way to showcase all that is magical about New Years Eve than with a feature post about the sparkliest woman I know? That’s right ladies and gentleman, I give you the one, the only….
Thank you, my future wife! (If my Rockstar doesn’t marry me, that is.)
Whether she’s swooning over her own personal Rockstar or daydreaming of giving Chris Meloni the boobie-squishing of a lifetime, this larger than life– “Umm, excuse me, did you just imply that I’m fat?” bombshell– “Oh, you are forgiven. XOXO” makes everyone she meets instantly fall in love with her. “Except that one guy that one time, but I think he might have been gay…” And since no one blog post can come close to encapsulating the woman in all her glittering glory, I’ve decided to ask what advice Sparklebumps might give us in the hopes of bringing a little sparkle to our own New Years Eve holiday.
****1. What does a typical Sparklebumps New Years Eve look like?
Well, H.E., sadly I have never created a New Year’s tradition. However, last year I spent the night putting together two beauteous red red bookshelves to hold all of my books. The night ended with me on the verge of wanting to stab myself in the eye with a screwdriver. NOT the alcoholic kind.
****2. You have been described as, “oozing sex appeal.” Is this a natural ability or a cleverly executed skill? What can women do to channel their own inner Sparklebumps?
Honestly, I have no idea what they’re talking about. I find myself to be the complete opposite of sexy. The best advice I can give is buy a pair of really tall heels, and agree with your significant other that “Hell, yeah, that chic is hot.” when his eyes wander. If you are jealous of other women (or men) it makes you very beautifically-impaired.
****3. It’s no secret that men, and quite a few women, find you utterly desirable. What advice would you give women about how to harness the awesome power that is raw sex appeal?
Well, no one can be me, but I guess the best thing to do would be to just emulate me as much as possible.
****4. Tell us about the moment during your childhood when you discovered you were sparklier than the other little girls.
Technically, my sparklyness came much later. But I DO remember a time when I was about 4 years old and I imagined that I was a lion lording over a field of Cabbage Patch Children (my friends). I guess my imagination gets a little carried away sometimes….
****5. In addition to your bombshell persona you are an avid reader with a passion for books. If you were free to write your own novel right now, what would it be about?
I AM free to write whatever I want whenever I want. (well, almost.) Really, this tends to be my biggest problem. My brain has so many different stories and ideas that it is almost completely impossible for me to sit down and concentrate on one thing long enough to write a book. This is why I’ve several started and none completed. However, Love is the thing, you know, so anything that I write will most definitely have a love angle in it.
The only way I know how to write is by taking from personal experience. That and having read many many books and realizing what I do and don’t like in the way an author writes. I know my writing is very raw (or so I’ve been told) and I don’t know if that’s a good thing, but if the comments on my blog are any indication, I guess I’m doing ok.
The first chapter of the book I have most completed is featured in my post, “First Chapter.”
****6. Tell us about your Rockstar. What first attracted you to him, and what do you do to keep the fires burning?
My Rockstar is just a little bit awesome. (That’s an understatement there, in case anyone missed it.) Honestly, the first thing that attracted me to him was the fact that he played guitar. Maybe it was because I haven’t known many musicians, who knows. He was also just extremely NICE. Which is funny, since in the beginning of our relationship, the names “cunt” and “asshole” were thrown around quite a bit. One of the things I appreciate though, is that he is a single father who is there for his daughter. (Even if it DOES take the attention away from me. )
Hmmm, to keep the fires burning? I give plenty of blowjobs,(sometimes while watching porn) I sometimes send nudey texts, (which don’t receive much in the way of applause, Understandably), I try to cook for him, (the way to a man’s heart, yes?) and I buy him beer. (because that’s just common sense.) Also, giving a man his space works wonders.
****7. How will you be spending this New Years Eve, and what is the one wish you’ll make when the clock strikes midnight?
I will be spending the night with my Rockstar and his Daughter, (which sounds boring, but really isn’t.) I may be wearing a pair of new heels to celebrate, and when the clock strikes midnight? It depends.
If he and I are in the midst of red-hot sex (after his daughter goes to sleep), I may just be wishing that we will always and forever have awesome sex, even when we are old. (with the help of Viagra, if necessary.) If all three of us are still awake, mayhap I will just be wishing we will be a lovely little family forever. Also, I will be wishing this is the year I get my Boss Mustang. XOXO
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Beauty, Boobs, and Brains. Sparklebumps is the whole package. What more could you wish for? I for one will be wishing that this time next year Santa will have found a way to stuff a hot pink Mustang down Sparkle’s chimney.
That sounded oddly naughty….
That’s ok, H.E. Most of my thoughts are pretty naughty, too….
I’ve added a new page to the top of my blog entitled BLOGS WITH BOOKS for….well, bloggers who have books for sale. If you are a blogger with a book to sell just add your name to the comments or shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org. Happy Reading!
As much as I blog/write/brag about being a New Englander I find it’s easy to forget that my life’s journey began in Florida, the same base of operations for this week’s featured blogger Sandylikeabeach (great name, right?). But the similarities don’t end with geography. I also suffer from her self-described “Scarlet O Hara syndrome” and could have written the following sentiment myself:
“With this blog, I hope to feed that part of my soul that yearns to create. My blog is not really about anything in particular, just recollections, memories, observations, thoughts and dreams.”
Anyone who’s had the good fortune to visit her blog quickly learns there’s more to this writer/poetess than simple anecdotes or pearls of wisdom. I give you my kindred spirit, Sandylikeabeach.
Before I answer your questions, let me say I’m delighted to be your kindred spirit and honored to be included in your roster of SPaM recipients. Now, on to your questions.
**** 1. What first influenced you to become a writer?
My high school English teacher, Mrs. McKelvy, opened my mind to the possibility of writing. I took her creative writing class and she was very encouraging. I wrote several short stories and poems, and won our school’s creative writing award my senior year. I majored in journalism in college, but never liked the “reporting” side of it. I loved the photography and editing classes.
Of course, I graduated from college during a recession so I never worked in my major field. I was just happy to get any job, much like today’s college graduates. Once I left college, I did very little writing, until I started this blog about six months ago. After decades of not writing, I’m still struggling to find my “voice.” I have been happily surprised by how encouraging and supportive my fellow bloggers have been. It is unlikely that I will ever be a “post a day” blogger, but I am enjoying the journey.
**** 2. Where do you draw your inspiration for your poetry?
My poetry tends to be a bit dark. When I am in an emotionally raw place, the words just seem to flow. Often the writing of the poem is enough to lift me out of that dark place.
The one poem you seemed to like the most was Longing, which ended with the line ‘Someone walked over my grave.’ That line was the starting point for the poem. It was something I remembered from my teenage years. We used that expression when we would get a sudden chill that would give us goosebumps. I knew I wanted to end a poem with that line, so I worked backwards from there.
**** 3. Are you writing anything at the moment?
Just the answers to these questions. I do have an idea for a short story bouncing around in my head, not sure if it will ever make it from my head to the page.
**** 4. In your post ICE CREAM CONES AND RAIN – BOOKS THAT CHANGED MY LIFE you discuss a love of reading. What are you reading at the moment, and what book would you recommend reading?
Currently, I’m reading and enjoying W. Somerset Maugham’s Of Human Bondage. There are so many good books, it’s hard to recommend just one. I loved Vonnegut when I was younger, and Douglas Adams. Dune by Frank Herbert was a stand out, as were The Lathe of Heaven by Ursula K. Le Guin and The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. Just in the last few months, I’ve read and would recommend The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner and The Gods of Asphalt by you!
**** 5. I love your post DISSECTING A CRAZY AUNT about living in Florida. What do you find is the best/worst thing about living in Florida?
The best is hard to choose as we have some of the best beaches in the world (I have traveled the world so I know this to be true), the best Cuban food this side of, well, Cuba, and so many crazy, freaky people (the circus really does spend the winter here). I think what I like most about my home state is it defies generic descriptions. The southern part is different from the northern part, the coasts are different from the center of the state. The state is an ethnic melting pot with more tanning salons and theme parks than any one state should have, including water parks which is just nuts for a state that bills itself as the sunshine state and is bordered by water on three sides. We’ve had crazy out of control growth, and yet many pristine wild places remain. Florida is a contradiction, wrapped up in a conundrum, tied with a bit of whimsy, and just when you think you have her figured out, she surprises you.
The Florida Chamber of Commerce is going to hate me for saying this, but we have the worst bugs – giant, hideous, could star in a horror movie bugs. There are huge palmetto bugs that look like roaches on steroids. These things can be 4 or 5 inches long, at least, and they fly – straight at you. We have fire ants, scorpions, huge grasshoppers, spiders (which don’t bother me but some of them are as big as my hand), and some bugs that I don’t even know what they are but they look like they’re from another planet. Seriously, the sheer number and variety of bugs are an entomologist’s wet dream.
**** 6. What’s the best thing about spending winter holidays in Florida?
The weather! I didn’t see snow until I was 16 on a visit to Yellowstone in July so I never understood the appeal of a white Christmas. I watch the news and see people all bundled up scraping ice off of their cars and I just cannot imagine having to endure all that cold weather day in and day out for several months. It’s not surprising that so many people move south, though don’t move to Florida because we have these huge hideous bugs.
I don’t dance nearly enough! When I lost my job, I moved back to the little town where I now live. I can’t indulge my love of salsa, cha cha and tango as much as I would like, though I did dance salsa in my living room with the cable repair man a few months ago. I do take a couple of dance classes each week and often just put on some music and dance around my house. Music and dancing lift my spirit like nothing else.
**** 8. Many of your posts including, CLOUDS, ICE, ALASKA and CALIFORNIA DREAMING are about your love of traveling. What was your favorite travel destination, and where would you like to go that you’ve never been?
My favorite trip was a walking photo safari in Kenya about 11 years ago. I had never camped before, at least not in a tent without electricity and running water. I went alone and had a fabulous time. Masai warriors, carrying spears, joined us on our treks through the Loita Hills. I witnessed the wildebeest migration on the Masai Mara, hyena feeding frenzies near the campsite and herds of elephants in East Tsavo. I saw Kilimanjaro and the Indian Ocean. The most amazing thing was just walking along and being just a few yards from impala, zebra and elephants. I also saw incredible poverty, yet these people who were living in tiny huts with next to nothing were warm, friendly and generous, welcoming us into their village and homes. They also recognized a fellow dancer, as I was chosen to join the Masai women as they danced around their campfire. It was the trip of a lifetime and I would go back to Africa in a heartbeat.
There are only two continents I haven’t set foot upon, but still so much of the world to see. I’ve never been to the Greek Islands, but ever since I watched the movie, Shirley Valentine, a few years ago, I have longed to spend a few weeks on a sailboat gliding through the Aegean Sea and exploring those islands. Maybe someday…….
**** 9. Lastly, your post 25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME doesn’t begin to sum up your clearly vibrant personality. What is the one thing about you most people would be surprised to learn?
Most people would be surprised to learn that I am surprising. I was surprised to find this out, too. People are always telling me that I am ‘surprisingly strong’ or ‘surprisingly athletic’ or ‘surprisingly deep.’ They are surprised by the things I’ve done, the places I’ve been and the thoughts I express. Not surprisingly, surprising is a wonderful way to be.
For more salsa fun follow Sandylikeabeach!
Next week’s SPaM features a three part interview with a special mystery guest. You won’t believe who it is!
For your own SPaM contact email@example.com
I was overjoyed to find that this week’s SPaM featured blogger, THE WANDERING ATAVIST is a fellow New Englander. I can’t begin to tell you how excited I was to review his posts and actually read the word “Balls!” used as punctuation at the end of a paragraph. Seriously, like familiar music to my ears.
Our friend the Atavist is a self-described “professional adventurer (mostly because it beats working for a living), he’s also something of a cowardly lion, and the biggest klutz you’ll ever meet. The combination makes for a pretty interesting string of… well, the police reports usually refer to them as “incidents.”
I have to admit that when I first did my research I had to look up what the word, ATAVIST means. The Free Online Dictionary lists an atavist as;
(noun) Atavist – an organism that has the characteristics of a more primitive type of that organism.
That got me thinking. How does an “atavist” human learn about the world around him? By utilizing his five senses, that’s how. With his posts entitled…
…there’s no doubt that The Atavist should have no problem answering the following questions. I give you The Wandering Atavist’s take on the five senses!
**** 1. During your travels, have you ever seen something you couldn’t explain?
Only when there was a woman involved. Although, California’s interstate system comes to mind…
**** 2. What are the top three worst things you have ever smelled?
I should start by confessing that I’m just barely house broken. Worse still, I frequently embark on multi-day (multi-week?) trips with five minutes notice or less. When I return to whatever apartment I happen to be in, I often find myself having to play “what’s that smell” around the kitchen. Noodles, left to their own devices in a wet sink for far too long, become an unholy goo. Sometimes, it’s easier just to move out…
Number two would be the woman I helped to forcibly deport from the state of Maine. We drove non-stop to Kentucky, praying that the sleeping pills would last until we got her there. We ditched her and one of the cars just as she was coming to, and then we drove non-stop back to Maine, praying that the Authorities in Kentucky wouldn’t realize we were the ones who’d just given them that problem. That’s the only time I can actually remember my eyes burning.
3rd place goes to a truck full of wildland firefighters after several days on the job in Arizona. On our first fire in Yuma, the temperature peaked at 118 in the shade. And did I mention the world was on fire? After several 18 hour days of hiking, swinging axes, and lugging supplies around with no showers, the stench of a fire crew breaks the Geneva convention. I remember seeing a crew chief not letting a man board a helicopter until he scrubbed up with a bottle of hand sanitizer and the water in his canteen.
Oh- and the rental car I brought back from Florida certainly gets an honorable mention. I left my Scuba gear to mildew for 9 days in a tropical swelter, on the back seat. My co-pilot contributed sea shells she’d plucked from the beach with the critters still inside, and several ready-mixed tuna salad packages she’d let marinade on the floor since the day we left. I’m pretty sure they chalked that car up to an insurance loss when we dropped it off.
**** 3. Based on sound, which region of the U.S. has the most unique dialect or is the hardest to comprehend?
If you trek deep enough into Northern Maine, you’ll come to a lone moose trail that will lead you to the town of Madawaska. The locals, ever fueled by coffee brandy, speak an unintelligible blend of French-Canadian-Quebecois and English. Most of the men there drive 18 wheelers; hauling lobster, lumber, and liquid courage far and wide. But the poor guys don’t get to practice their social skills much on the lonely roads from Madawaska to… anywhere, really. Their accents run so thick that the state police in southern Maine don’t generally stop them.
**** 4. What is the best tasting/worst tasting meal you’ve ever eaten cooked over a campfire?
Best tasting: Chickadee. (Y’know- The little song birds.) What can I say? It was a long, hard summer’s day, and I used to run with a rough crowd. We all had guns before we had cars.
Worst: this is a tough question. Almost everything tastes good over a camp fire. Without exception, my worst culinary disasters occur in the kitchen. One time Sam and I made pancakes with a bag of quick-mix we found buried in the back of the cabinet. They were a bit gamey, but we’d both eaten worse. We just added enough butter and syrup to cover it. Later, we discovered that our bag of “pancake batter” had actually been a long expired “make-your-own-doggie-treat” kit.
**** 5. And lastly have you ever touched anything, like poison ivy or a sea urchin (get your mind out of the gutter, people) that you’ve regretted?
Oh, sure. There’s lots of live electrical wires in my past. Also, you’d be surprised how hard it can be to tell that something is on fire before it’s too late. But it gets much, much worse…
Once upon a time, I accidentally found myself living in a slum in Alaska. There was a blood stain on the mattress where someone (prostitute? Junky? Mailman?) had been stabbed not long before I moved in. But I was compelled to make the situation work, so I chose to believe it was a coffee stain. I covered it with my sleeping bag, and resolved not to touch it. A few months in, I woke up one morning and discovered to my horror that I had somehow rolled off my sleeping bag and was laying face down in that odious stain. BALLS! I ran outside in my underwear and started rounding up bottles of industrial chemicals to douse myself with. I spent several hours soaking in carcinogens and scrubbing at my hide with a rusty wire brush. Yuck!
For more balltastic adventures follow The Wandering Atavist
Next week’s features the one and only sandylikeabeach
Want your own feature SPaM? email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Now that this SPaM post is finished it’s time to let you in on some sad news. Sad because my favorite new blog buddy is leaving New England for the balmy shores of Florida. I’d like to think if we had ever met; our conversation would have sounded something like this:
Take one part modern-day bachelor, two parts savvy player, add a splash of Cointreau and you get THE LIBRA CHRONICLES; an unapologetic blog that asks the question, “Can a blog really make it when the writer does not try to make a blog that targets special key words, certain audiences, weight loss or fitness or celebrities or some certain NICHE?”
I didn’t know the answer to that question when I first stumbled onto Ronnie Libra’s blog, but all it took was one look at his tag cloud filled with words like SEDUCTION, KEY WEST and POLYSOMNOGRAPHY to know that I wouldn’t be bored finding out.
*** So Ronnie, you describe your blog in your WHAT IS ALL THIS INSOLENCE page as an “experiment” in finding your target audience without the use of buzz words. Has your experiment revealed the results of who your target audience is?
I bet, like my mind, my target will be “Kid in a Candy Shop.” Or more appropriately, “Ronnie in a Bar.” So many flavors, why just settle for the same one all the time?
*** In your page THE SEDUCTION CHRONICLES you include stories that you describe as including the “rawness and reality” of seduction. What motivated you to include these stories?
Hundreds of posts on private seduction forums. People who’ve read them always tell me they are very inspirational, so I figured, what the fuck…. I may as well share them with more people. If I can reach out to that one person who get’s inspired then kick ass! I have done my duty.
*** In addition to dating advice you have posts that focus on philosophy and inspiration. What has inspired you recently that you’d like readers to take away from your blog?
Momentum… Keep doing what you love… Make it happen. Fuck failure and fuck the outcome. Go for it anyway. Even if you are failing, keep going because the more steps you take towards your goals the better your momentum will be to take those steps. Be cool with failing, dammit. Penicillin was a mistake. OOOOHhhhh and some kick ass music, Music is my life. I recharge off of it. I have a giant history in my mind of music I love and I feel that, most of my life, every day can have a theme song.
*** Many of your posts include sometimes graphic descriptions of many of your sexual escapades. Do you find it difficult to share these experiences with your readers? And what do you hope you can pass on in the way of knowledge?
Not difficult at all. If you read the book, “My Secret Garden” by Nancy Friday, which is a book on REAL women’s fantasies, my reports become rated PG. ;) I’m trying to convey the process of Seduction with my writing. Later, I may delve more into the actual sexuality and passion as well, I’m sure I will.
Here’s what I want. I want people to be cool with seduction. It’s not some taboo shit. It’s everyday reality. It’s happening all around us. The girl that I just looked at, while thinking, that made eye contact and looked away. It’s natural.
I want that guy or that girl who sees that sexy motherfucker they want to meet to go do it. Go meet that person!
*** What would you like men to take away from your blog?
I haven’t really thought about this. Maybe inspiration. Maybe to get a little mad or inspired inside and say, “If this asshole can do this so can I!”
*** What would you like women to take away from your blog?
Women readers seem to be the main readers so far in my blog. I would almost want to ask them, “What do you hope to find here? or Why are you coming back? or even, “Let’s say my blog was your dirty little secret that no one would ever find out about. What would you want it to be like?”
*** What can we expect from THE LIBRA CHRONICLES in the future?
Utter Sexy Randomness. Chocolate, Vanilla, Strawberry and sometimes Chicken Fried Rice. Ya, it doesn’t have to make sense. And music. Lots and lots of music.
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Next week’s SPaM features KAYJAI’S BLOG
Have a blog, book or music to promote? Contact me for your own feature on SPaM at email@example.com
It’s time once again for London Calling and an interview with our boys from the IMONTHEBANDWAGON blog.
So today my questions are a bit more cultural. My next door neighbor is from Ireland and his name is Baoithein (pronounced bool-yon). He’s in his late 70′s and is forever popping up with the strangest ideas and notions that I hope you might explain to me. For instance, if two people are from Scotland he’ll pit them against each other in imaginary fight situations such as, “That Gordon Ramsay thinks he’s the stuff. Sean Connery’d knock the smart off his arse, I can tell you that much.”
*** So question number 1 is: What does being a Scot have to do with fighting and number 2, who would win? Ramsay or Connery?
RYAN: They just like a fight don’t they?
MIKE: Well yeah. It is a bit grim up there. It makes people want to fight. I’d fight people if I lived in Scotland. Sat on my doorstep waiting for the milk man to arrive in the morning so I could drop him
JOWETT: Already offended A NATION
MIKE: Oh come on. They love violence, it cheers them up! I got a taxi in Scotland once, right, and my taxi driver ploughed through a pigeon, it exploded in a ball of feathers on his windscreen, he turned to me and goes (Scottish accent) “Waheeeeeeey! It’s gonna be a good day!”
*** Number 2, who would win? Ramsay or Connery?
RYAN: Connery is getting on a bit isn’t he?
JOEL: He is ‘James Bond’ though
JOWETT: He’s not, he’s an actor
JOEL: But he might of learnt stuff from playing ‘James Bond’. More helpful than what Gordon Ramsay knows
JOWETT: which is just cooking? I suppose Connery would be a rubbish chef
MIKE: (Sean Connery impression) “Your resturaunt’s a fucking disgrace”
MIKE: And Ramsay knows how to conduct an affair for like 10 years
JOWETT: Allegedly. We don’t know that to be true
MIKE: I do, it was all over the news, not long back
JOWETT: Please answer the question
*** Question 3: Baoithein is a HUGE fan of Talisker, and hounds me daily to get them to sponsor my blog so he can have free samples. What drink are you boys fans of?
RYAN: Anything really
JOWETT: Yeah you do all seem to drink a lot a varied drinks
JOEL: I like Kronenberg
MIKE: We like cider mostly though
RYAN: Yeah! We do like our cider
JOWETT: Mmm you do don’t you. Before they all discovered Cider they were nice young men, made the occasional joke and now, well…
MIKE: Joel told me last week that he thought ‘Rosa Parkes’ sounded like a Garden Centre
JOEL: Fuck off!
JOWETT: ……to the makers of ‘Magners Cider’ look what you’ve done
*** Question 4: Baoithein calls my ex-husband a “wanker,” so…what is that?
MIKE: A very bed person
JOEL: Doesn’t ‘wanker’ date back to like Shakespeare times?
MIKE: (Laughs) No
JOWETT: No I don’t think so mate
JOEL: It was in ‘Shakespeare in love’ wasn’t it?
JOWETT: I haven’t seen it, but even that film isn’t 100% accurate
JOEL: Well I thought it was believable
MIKE: A film where Gwyneth Paltrow goes out with someone talented? Nah
JOWETT: (Laughing) Look at his face! You’re happy with that joke aren’t you!
MIKE: I am ah!
*** Question 5: What signature song (not counting your own) do you boys play to get a lady “in the mood?” (This is my question, not Baoithein’s).
JOWETT: (Laughs) Look at you all! I can tell by your faces you are thinking of song title puns
MIKE: I’m not!
RYAN: ‘Could well be in’ by ‘The Streets’
JOWETT: Ryan is straight in there first
MIKE: Joel’s parents used to fight? didn’t they?
MIKE: ‘Sugar we’re going down swinging’ by ‘Fall Out Boy’?
JOWETT: Harsh mate, harsh
JOEL: ‘Baby I love you’ by ‘The Ramones’
MIKE: That’s rubbish!
JOWETT: (Laughs) Aww Joel actually answered it properly!
MIKE: ‘Kiss with a fist’ Florence and the Machine’?
JOWETT: Can you please stop applying them all to Joel’s parents marriage?
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As a lover of all things British I was “chuffed to bits” (really pleased) to have the opportunity to interview the WordPress darlings that are IMONTHEBANDWAGON. For those rare few of you who may not know, IMONTHEBANDWAGON is a blog penned by a chap we’ll call “Jowett” and well…I’ll let him introduce himself and his blog:
“For the purpose of this blog I am going to refer to myself as Jowett. I am currently working on tour with a successful British music band. I work very closely with the members of the band and spend all my time around them. However, due to legal reasons, I cannot reveal the band’s identity.
While on tour and working around them I have decided to keep a record of some of the conversations and incidents that arise. I am going to use this blog as a way of recording the events and conversations that happen with the band while on tour. I have had permission from all parties to record these conversations and publish them, no matter how controversial. They have however, expressed to be left nameless.”
Honestly, how could I resist? Well I couldn’t, so at least once a month I’ll be interviewing Jowett’s boys for their own feature post I’ve named “London Calling.” For our first interview I called on the talents of local high school students to provide some out of the box questions for our boys.
*** BE FOREWARNED LADS AND LASSES; SALTY LANGUAGE LIES AHEAD… ***
JOWETT: Right here are the questions, all of which come from High School kids.
*** Joe W. asks, “Which country has the best groupies and why?”
RYAN: I think Joel can answer that one
JOEL: Erm bigger girls
MIKE: That’s not a country, mate
JOEL: Oh sorry, erm…
RYAN: Joel has actually been told to cut down on that
MIKE: Yeah, the local papers seem to get wind of whatever he gets up to
JOEL: Yeah, where do they get that stuff from?
MIKE: You said that without irony once, I think you actually were reading the paper while turfing some bird out of your room at the time “Where do they gets this information from!?…are you still here? fuck off!”
JOEL: (Tuts) Scotland
JOWETT: Fair enough
*** Zack D. asks, “What weird requests do each of you make in your riders?
MIKE: Erm Joel always insists on having ‘Monster Munch’ in his rider that no one else is allowed to touch. I had his last pack once and he shouted at me. But obviously while he was shouting at me he had to shout the words “Monster Munch,” so I couldn’t take him seriously.
JOEL: Also, I always ask for Doritos, but never ever get them
MIKE: I don’t ask for much, just the head of Chris Martin, failing that, Cheerio’s
RYAN: I ask for Doritos not to be put in our rider
*** John G. asks, “If they made a movie about your band what actors would play each of you?”
RYAN: We always said if a film was ever made about our band, it would be because something had gone badly badly wrong, like Mike had been assassinated for making flippant comments about Scientology or they found Joel swinging from the rafters, cock in hand, in front of his webcam.
JOEL: I would prefer if they did it with puppets, like in Team America
JOWETT: Who would do your voice though?
JOEL: Mmm I like Samuel Jackson
MIKE: (Samuel Jackson impression) Who ate my mother fucking last bag of Monster Munch?
RYAN: I’d suggest Christian Bale, but I don’t think they would know when he was acting or not when it comes to acting like a prick “Christian please! We haven’t turned on the cameras yet! Stop stop!”
*** Shawn H. asks, “What American slang word or term tripped you up? (you didn’t understand the meaning).”
RYAN: (Laughs) Erm when we were last in America, we were backstage at a gig having a few drinks and Joel managed to smash a bottle and cut himself. He went to ask someone for a first aid kit or something and they asked him if he wanted a ‘band-aid’ he goes “Yeah band aid! I need band aid” thinking it was some sort of service, he was gutted when he just got a plaster.
MIKE: He also thought fanny pack was an American nickname for a team of groupies.
*** Nick L. asks, “Has there ever been a place where you’ve refused to perform or a place that has refused you and why?”
RYAN: Mmm never refused to play anywhere but we have been banned from a few places.
MIKE: There is a club in England that we are banned from for fighting after a gig. We spoke about it on the website actually (you can find this post HERE). We got into a fight with some locals that were giving Joel abuse. It all kicked off and basically our security tore everyone apart, including bouncers. The owners told us to leave and I remember Joel standing on top of a pile of people going “We are going nowhere!
JOWETT: I remember this, what happened after?
MIKE: We left, thought it was best
*** Olivia V. asks, “What American band would you most like to perform with?”
RYAN: There are a lot of American bands we like and wouldn’t mind collaborating with. Kings Of Leon, The Strokes. We all fans of Hip-hop though as well, especially American Hip-Hop and think we could do some damage if we had a Rapper on a song.
MIKE: I pushed for a collaboration with Pitbull
MIKE: There’s a lot of money in comedy album. Then the money can go to what ever charity got him through his stroke.
(For more insight into Mike’s opinion on a certain rapper named Pitbull, check out this post HERE).
*** Alyssa B. “If your contract monies were to be divided by each band member’s penis length who’d get the biggest cut?”
JOWETT: That was a very fast answer. How the hell do you know?
RYAN: NEXT QUESTION!
JOWETT: Never mind that, how do you know?
RYAN: Nah it’s nothing like that, once we had this hand puppet of Phil Collins on our tour bus for some reason. Anyway, Mike got drunk and put the puppet on his hand and put his cock in the puppets mouth and laughed like it was the funniest thing he had ever seen singing ‘You Can’t Hurry Love’
MIKE: That’s in a refuge home now, for abused puppets
RYAN: Actually, he did it first with the Elton John puppet!
JOWETT: What? Where the fuck are you getting these celebrity hand puppets from?
RYAN: I can’t remember. But yeah he did it with the Elton one, started laughing and goes “Look, I have brought him down to my level” to which I replied “I think he’s always been at that level”
RYAN: And then he broke into ‘Rocket Man’, cock still in Elton’s mouth
RYAN: We have seen Joel’s too
RYAN: When he came out a toilet after a gig with this girl
MIKE: Ohhh yeah
JOEL: (Tut’s) Don’t tell this story
MIKE: She came bursting out the door, holding her eye, while Joel followed with his Jeans round his ankles
RYAN: Mike started laughing and goes “Whhhhaaaaayyyyyy looks like masturbation does make you go blind” and she turned to him and said, “It was a blowjob, dickhead.”
JOWETT: Well thank you lads!
*** And…we’re clear. ***
I don’t know about you, but I’m asking Santa for a Phil Collins hand puppet this Christmas. Stay tuned for the next installment of LONDON CALLING where I’ll be asking our boys who they think would win in a Battle of the Scots, Gordon Ramsay or Ray Banks (my money’s on Banks. That dude’s tough as shit). If there are any questions you’d like to see answered in a feature post you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or the boys directly at email@example.com
CAN’T GET ENOUGH JOWETT AND THE BOYS?
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So until next time…CHEERS!