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Posts tagged “news

Let’s Play…Guess the Twisted Fictioneer

bsThe author of this particular piece is tomorrow’s featured Twisted Fictioneer. Can you guess who it is?

Good morning!  I have landed an exclusive with a personality not often featured in the stories concerning Santa Claus and the ongoing drama surrounding him.  Today, I am interviewing Lashonda Jefferson, otherwise known as Brown Shugga.  Good morning La… uhm, Ms. Shugga.

B.S.: You can call me, Shugga honey.  Everybody does.

H.E.: I have to ask up front, what got you into this life, and why did you pick a corner in the North Pole?

B.S.: Baby, that’s one hell of a long story involving wayward elves and their love of…well, let’s just say they like them some brown shugga, you know what I’m sayin’ honey?  Anyways, it’s damn cold on up in here if you don’t have nothin’ to keep you warm at night, and that Mrs. Claus, well she’s just plain crazy, you feel me?  One of them elves just decided that Santa needed some good ol’ fashioned TLC if you get my drift, and he dragged my ass up and I’ve been here ever since.  Can’t seem to get nobody to take me back and I can’t say I evah want to leave.

H.E.: Can you relate to the audience how the night of Mr. Claus’ arrest went down?

B.S.: I know that Kris is pissed at Brown Shugga, but I never set nobody up to take no fall!  He was out, ya know lookin’ to score some Shugga *wink* and some coke.  Of course, Shugga always takes care of her clients…especially them ‘high profile’ ones…Some bitch who was lookin’ to take over ma territory and ma man come outta nowhere and offered Kris her stuff!!  Can you imagine?!! Well, I ain’t dealin’ with that bitch and I beat her ass.  She tryin’ to hustle poor Kris into thinkin’ that she…that…that….HO!  Fuckin’ whitey she was…she was a plant, a fuckin’ cop, I know it!  I can smell a pig…anyways, next thing ya know me and Santa Baby in cuffs and bein’ dragged down to the station like common criminals! He was downright mean and nasty after that!  Whew, baby you ain’t seen nobody with a temper like that fucker…

H.E.: I see.  And you were then released with charges dropped in exchange for your information, true?

B.S.: Baby, Brown Shugga ain’t been charged with nothin’ and ain’t gonna be charged with nothin’.  I was simply providin’ a service.  Good ol’ fashioned satisfyin’ the demands of the area, if ya get ma drift.  As for white bitch, she got what was comin’ to her…I got yo information right here, baby! (clutches her crotch) Hehehe..no, really. I gots lots of information and it’s all written down in ma – well, let’s just say Shugga is well protected.

H.E.: I have sources that also maintain that you and a certain D.A. have an ongoing ‘special relationship.’  Can you comment on that?

B.S.: Oh, ya mean…well, we been friends for years.  He and I have an understandin’….he lets me live ma life and I give him some well-deserved R&R if you feel me…he certainly does…hehehe…hey.  You hungry?  You little on the thin side…want some of my tuna salad?  I made it this mornin’ while I was takin’ a break…

H.E.:  Oh… no.  I just do not like tuna, thanks.  Moving on, what is the nature of your relationship to LeMonjello Otis?

B.S.:  Oh, dear LeMon he been tailin’ ma ass for years. He can’t hurt nobody, fucked up little fool.  He talks big and all, but he’s really small in the, ya know, dick department.  Shugga knows how to make him feel more like a man, but fuck, he’s really sm-

H.E.: Are the rumors of you launching a daytime talk show on the Oprah Network true?

B.S.: Oprah?!  Baby, me and Oprah are like THAT (crosses fingers) Sista knows how to talk and Shugga is more than willin’ to let her all the way to Shugga’s bank account….anywho, it’s just talk right now.  We’ll see how things go, ya know with Kris and his problems an’ all…crazy bitch wife ain’t makin’ easy on ‘im though…fucker needs some good lawyerin’ up…

H.E.:  One last question – just how big is Santa’s – er, sleigh?

B.S.: Honey, Shugga don’t kiss an’ tell…but I can say he ain’t no magical elf for nothin’…hehehe…

STAY TUNED FOR OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT OF THE SANTA SHAME SPIRAL WHERE WE SIT DOWN WITH NONE OTHER THAN RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER!

SANTA SPAM ONE

SANTA SPAM TWO

SANTA SPAM THREE

INTERVIEW WITH FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

INTERVIEW WITH LEMONJELLO OTIS


Interview With Frosty The Snowman

christmas_joy_warms_the_heart_santa_claus_frosty_snowmanThis past year we’ve chronicled the rapid decline and ultimate downfall of a great holiday icon, Santa Claus. From his original sit down with us in Santa Spam One, to our very revealing interview with Mrs. Claus and right-hand elf Lipshitz in Santa Spam Two, and onto his now infamous drunken tirade in Santa Spam Three.

One can’t help but wonder how a man who rose to greatness could sink so low. Could examining his childhood shine a light onto the troubles that were to come? For those of you looking for answers look no further, because today we visit with a ghost from Santa’s Christmas’ past- his childhood friend and confidante:

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

H.E.: Hello blogworld and gather around. I’m standing out here freezing my soft bits off so that I can bring you an interview with an icon of Christmas, Frosty the Snowman. Frosty how are you today?

F.t.S.: Cold and hard, if you know what I mean.  If you treat me nice, I’ll let you hold my snowballs.  Whatya say?  A little friction could warm you up.  Hmmh?  C’mon!  What, nothin’ but a cold shoulder?  I could get that at home.  Can’t blame a guy for tryin’ though, eh?

H.E.: I’d like to tackle some hard-hitting questions first. You’re well-known for your corncob pipe, button nose and coal-lump eyes. Is this your personal statement about public smoking legislation, child labor in sweatshops, and open-pit mining?

F.t.S.: Nah!  I used to be much better turned-out, but then one day a big Chinook blew through.  Melted me right down to my bare essentials, you know what I’m sayin’?  By the time the runoff subsided, this was all my Eskimo friends could find in the storm drain, to put me back together with.  I went on the Inuit weight-gain diet to regain my Rubenesque look.  I had to eat whale meat and blubber.  If you had to eat nothing but whale meat, you’d blubber too.

H.E.: Hmm, I see. One more – not many people know, but years back you released a record to extend your fan base into summer that you called, “Frosty: the Wetter Side.” Any comment on that album and the rumors that you ripped off William Shatner’s idea?

F.t.S.: I wanted to title that one, “Slip and Slide”.  I think the kids would really have gone for it, but some toy company got all pissy about it.  Like they’re the only ones who ever had a good idea.  Far as I’m concerned they can all starve, but I guess lawyers gotta justify their existence.

Interesting that you should mention Shatner.  We found out later that the big warm blow that almost turned me into a tropical cloud, wasn’t really a Chinook.  It was just Bill comin’ through on a speaking tour.  I know I have a well-rounded….personality, but have you looked at him recently?  I looked up “fat chance” the other day, and there was a picture of him, eh.

H.E.: How have you come to grips with being a seasonal personality?

F.t.S.: It’s not bad.  It’s like being semi-retired.  Work a few months, and then kick back and live off the residuals.  I was thinking of expanding the market and working South America in the off-season.  I’ve already had to learn Inuit and that poutine French they speak in Quebec.  I didn’t think it was worth having to learn Spanish, besides, it’s almost impossible to get a refrigerated flight to Chile.

H.E.: Is there a Mrs. Frosty?

F.t.S.: There might soon be an ex-Mrs. Frosty.  She hasn’t just been Frosty; she’s been down-right frigid for years.  Santa’s been whining about losing Mrs. Claus, but he needs her or some other Harriet Homemaker type, to keep the elves out of trouble.  Polar bears and Arctic seals can take care of themselves.

H.E.: Two generations have seen the claymation TV specials, but in your own words, where the hell do you go between spring and early winter?

F.t.S.: Certainly not to Hell, unless you mean those few times when Hell freezes over.  I migrate north with the caribou.  I used to have a nice place just outside of Nome.  I could see Sarah Palin’s place from my front porch.  It was nice for a while, but now it’s all full of political reporters and comedy writers.  She got drunked-up one day, mistook me for a moose, and almost shot my ass.  Now I go so far up, that the North Pole sticks up my frozen assets.

H.E.: My sources tell me you are building a case to sue Wendy’s over their signature frozen shake name that they sell. Any comment on that?

F.t.S.: Who told you about Wendy??!  First Shatner, now her.  Have you been reading my biography galley?  We’re just friends!  Although she does have a warm heart, and a cold freezer.  The wife and I have been going to an Aleutian marriage counsellor, but if that doesn’t work out, I could move in with Wendy.  I might be a little cabin-fevery after six months in a meat locker, but she promises to make it worth my while.  She’s already been slipping me some of the royalties from my namesake treat.  I’ve been using it to hire a limo-dogsled for the trips north.

H.E.: Any final thoughts for the audience?

F.t.S.: Work hard to be a leader!  If you aren’t the lead dog in the sled-team, the view never changes.  Stay frosty, and like the Eskimos say, “Don’t eat yellow snow!”

Return for our next installment of the SANTA SHAME SPIRAL where we interview his dealer, LeMonjello Otis.

 


Interview with Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Funny-Christmas-ReindeerHello everyone, and welcome to what I’ve come to pray is my last interview.  Hey! Pulitzer guy… ya fanug! I might be praying, but that’s all this girl’s doing on her knees for your award! … ahem.  Anyway, I’m here with the one and only Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  Rudolph how are you doing today?

R: I have a head cold. I know it’s hard to tell because my nose is always red. In fact, I am pretty sure that is how those stories got started in the tabloids. But I do not have a drinking problem and I gave up snorting the ‘snow’. Sure, I like to put a little rum in my egg nog. We all do that. It is cold where we live.

You want to talk about a drinking problem ask me about Blitzen. How do you think he got that name? I remember once when they were playing some reindeer game… this is back before they let me play with them… Blitzen broke both of Prancer’s front legs. Prancer, that’s the gay one… not that there is anything wrong with that… couldn’t prance for three months. You have any idea what it’s like to be a gay reindeer that can’t prance?

H.E.: Can you give us any insight into what working for Santa is like?

R: First of all, it really pisses me off that people think we work just one night a year. Santa has a magic bag that is sort of like a Tardis… bigger on the inside than on the outside. But he doesn’t have a magic toy factory. It is more like a sprawling 600 acre complex of tool shops, fabrication plants, painting facilities and so on. Not to mention the vast warehouses for stuff coming in and going out. We get shipments of finished products and raw materials from all over the world.

All that stuff has to get moved from place to place. The elves load it on big work sleds and guess who gets to drag it where it needs to go. I was pulling work sleds long before I got to pull the big guy’s sled. See, that is our magic. We can make stuff float, or hover or whatever. And the reindeer don’t have a union. It isn’t all fun and reindeer games, I can tell you. At least we got the elves to stop using whips.

H.E.: Oh, my.  That sounds barbaric.  I suppose you have no family?

R: A family? Are you kidding me? When would I have time? And believe it or not, my nose is a genetic mutation that comes in handy when it is foggy, but it isn’t exactly a magnet for the babes if you know what I’m saying. Would you date somebody with a glowing body part?

H.E.:  The world is dying to know: which of the Reindeer are male and which are female?

R: Donner and Blitzen are male. Prancer is a dude, but he is a little light in the hooves if you know what I mean… not that there is anything wrong with that… And Dasher, Comet and Cupid are all guys. Dasher is sort of full of himself, and Comet is a real asshole, but whatever.

Dancer and Vixen are the only ladies in the Christmas lineup. But I use the term ‘ladies’ in only the loosest sense… ha, that’s funny now that I think about it. Vixen earned her name the hard way… oh man, I kill myself… yeah, that girl puts out like a vending machine. She will present her haunches to any male mammal with a pulse.

H.E.: On more pertinent topics, do you have any knowledge of the charges currently building against Santa Claus?

R: Which charges are we talking about? I know for a fact that he has warrants out for his arrest in at least 15 countries. Most of that is stuff he does when he is on vacation. And he plays pretty fast and loose with the rules here at the pole. Because he makes all the rules.

All that other stuff, I could care less. I have my own problems. But if the cops ever put a sobriety checkpoint on the roof of a house on Christmas eve, there are going to be a lot of pissed off kids in the morning, that’s for damn sure.

H.E.: And how would you describe the role of a certain elf, Lipschitz?

R: Lipschitz is a dipshit. He calls himself a whistle blower. The closest he ever got to that is what I caught him doing to Prancer in the stables one night.

H.E.:  Have you witnessed any kind of abuse or domestic violence?

R: I have my job… and my life… to think about. Ratting out the big guy would be like testifying against a Mob boss… when you work for him. I mean, that guy is stone-cold fucking crazy. Do you know why he wears red all the time? It isn’t a fashion statement. It’s so the blood doesn’t show. Rumor has it that there is a dungeon under one of the toy factories. Elves, animals and people dissapear when the big guy gets angry. I know for a fact that he melted Frosty the Snowman with a welding torch.

And Mrs. Claus? Let’s just say that she walks into a lot of door edges and falls down a lot. That is the story and I am sticking to it. I’ve said too much already.

H.E.: Final question: Two generations of Americans are dying to know – is the claymation holiday movie based on your life?

R: Which movie? You have any idea how many movies have me in them? There are hundreds of them. And none of us sees a dime in royalties.

Most of those were put out by our P.R. department. They are good. They are like the Disney corporation. And you know what? Santa pays attention to his image. But it’s all reindeer shit. If they ever made a movie of my life it would be directed by Quentin Tarantino and it would be rated X.

I met the Abominable Snowman once. Fucker tried to eat me. And that island of misfit toys? That place is a freak show. Remember that Toy Story movie that had the kid in it that tortured toys and cut them up and stuck the parts back together to make sick mutants? That kid has nothing on Santa. Picture being in that kid’s room when the toys come alive… and you are frying on some really bad acid.

But Santa really can make toys come alive. And sometimes he likes to blow off a little steam. The island of misfit toys is where he goes to play Dr. Frankenstein. I think you get the idea.


Interview with Santa Claus – Part Two

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SciFi Face-Off!

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Today I have decided to pay homage to the late, great Gene Roddenberry on what would have been his 92nd birthday by conducting an interview I believe he might have enjoyed. Now I ask you, what better way to pay tribute to one of the greatest contributors to the SciFi genre than to have a face-off of Starship Captains? Ladies and gentlemen I give you…

JAMES T. KIRK    VS    JEAN-LUC PICARD

Q: Which species makes a better First Officer, Human or Vulcan?

KIRK: A Vulcan makes the better officer because they use logic rather than emotion to guide their decisions.

PICARD: Generally speaking, Kirk’s right. On the other hand, I cannot speak highly enough of my very human first officer. Once he finally was able to remove that giant stick from his ass and relax a little bit, he turned out all right.

Q: What is the most important quality a Starship Captain must have?

KIRK: The most important quality a starship captain must have is the ability to love females of any species.

PICARD: Diplomacy, which basically is the art of telling someone to suck your cock with such tact and charm that they actually apply lipstick first regardless of gender or race, they sell tickets beforehand, and thank you when it’s over.

Q: The better date: Green Orion Slave woman, or hot human?

KIRK: Green Orion Slave women are the best! Man, there is nothing those girls will not do! Did you know that Green Orion Women have two vaginas? Little known fact!

PICARD: So, you fail twice? By the way, they have an ointment for that rash you’ve been complaining about. As for who makes the better date….have you *BEEN* to Risa? Jamaharon to the Bone, yo.

Q: The worst thing about dealing with Starfleet Command is ___ ?

KIRK: Starfleet Command are a bunch of pussies. If they let us annihilate the Klingons like we wanted to, the Romulans would think twice before attacking us again.

PICARD: I don’t know that I’d have phrased it quite that way, but I’m forced to agree with the good captain. Oh, fuck it: Starfleet Command is run by a bunch of spineless twat-waffles who can’t find their balls with both hands and a tricorder.

Q: Which is the better ride: The classic NCC-1701 or the NCC-1701D?

KIRK: The NCC-1701 of course! The 1701D is for pansies! Scotty would never be caught dead in the engine room of that bomb!

PICARD: The Constitution-class starships are beautiful vessels from a bygone era that I for one believe to be full of adventure, wonder, and excitement. To have been alive in those days, exploring the vast, unknown frontier? I envy those like James Kirk and the ships they commanded. That said, have you *seen* my fucking ship? It’s got phasers and photon torpedoes out the ass! It comes apart so it can kick your ass *twice* as much. And it’s huge! Don’t believe your girlfriend, Kirk, even if she is Orion: Size does matter.

Q: Marooned on a deserted planet, the three things I have to have are?

KIRK: A Green Orion Slave woman, Yeoman Janice Rand, and Cloud Dweller Droxine. Need  I say more?

PICARD: A whole planet to myself? Wonderful! I’m overdue for a good vacation. I’ll take my Collected Shakespeare book, my tea, and my flute. On second thought…I’d like to meet this Droxine. And change my book selection to the Kama Sutra.

Q: I’d rather take on in a bar fight: a Cardassian or a Romulan?

KIRK: As easy as it is to beat the crap out of a Cardassian, I would much rather fight a Romulan. Romulans put up a much better fight. Can’t trust those Cardassians, they fight dirty as hell.

PICARD: He’s right about the Cardassians. Sneaky bastards, every single one of them. Romulans can fight well enough, but they’re always so worried about mussing their hair. Now, if you want a real fight, try taking on a Nausicaan. I’ve never lived that one down. And don’t even get me started on the Borg. *THOSE* guys were assholes.

Q: Which is more technically challenging, slingshotting a starship backward in time or dislocating it to an alternate universe?

KIRK: Neither actually. You want technically challenging? Try listening to Spock and Bones for five consecutive years, now that is a challenge!

PICARD: I must side with my esteemed colleague on this matter. Time travel or having your ship flung to the far side of the universe is nothing compared to having to deal with a snotty teenager who thinks he knows everything, and whom you can’t toss out the nearest airlock because you’re trying to get in his mother’s pants. Awkward.

Q: Which is more irritating, tribbles or Ferengi?

KIRK: The Ferengi  are okay, they remind me  of my Uncle Wilbur. Tribbles can really annoy you, and they multipy faster than Romulian rabbits. God  I hate those furry little creatures! Do you know that they ate five years worth of grain? Try exploring the universe without your daily fiber! I was constipated for three years. Damn Tribbles!

PICARD: Can I reuse my snotty teenager answer here?

Q: You’re approached by Q, who is feeling generous and unmalicious – what gift of ability do you ask him for?

KIRK: Ah Q. I heard John Luc complain of the guy. A gift? well for John Luc, he can give him the Shatner 2000, the most futuristic hairpiece in the universe. Oh, and ability. I was sidetracked with the Green Orion Slave woman…she was a barrel of fun. I guess if I met this Q guy I would ask for the ability to give those Green Orion Slave women  an orgasm. Did I mention that they had two vaginas? Try giving one of those women an orgasm. They don’t need one orgasm, they need two, one for each vagina.

PICARD: I require no hairpiece, young man. I’m quite comfortable with my appearance. Besides, chicks dig the smoothness. As for a gift, if I was forced to limit myself to just one thing, it would be the ability to go back and correct certain mistakes I’ve made during the course of my life. Barring that, I’d settle for just being able to go back and hide the evidence and bury the goddamned bodies. Oh, and I’d ask Q to give Kirk that ointment for his rash, which seems to be flaring up just now.

By the way, Kirk…get with me after the show. I can teach you what you need to know about those Orion women. Two words: “Vulcan Shocker.”

Thank you Sightsnbytes (Kirk) and Dayton Ward (Picard) for contributing to our Intergalactic Battle Royale!

CLICK ON ALL THE PICS OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE FOR AN ADDED BONUS FEATURE


Iconic Interviews – The Book!

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iicoverartebookFor those of you who just can’t get enough of the holiday spirit, consider purchasing the Bloggers’ Compilation Project offering: ICONIC INTERVIEWS.

The world’s most beloved holiday icons presented in a collection of irreverent interviews that take on the backstory of their imagined existences.

Some of the best bloggers from around the ‘Sphere are interviewed as iconic holiday characters, each one zanier than the next. Click on the bloggers below for more good stuff!

Iconic Interviews can be purchased here:

AVAILABLE IN EBOOK FORMAT THROUGH SMASHWORDS

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AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK THROUGH AMAZON

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I’D LIKE TO THANK THE FOLLOWING BLOGGERS FOR THEIR GENEROUS CONTRIBUTION:

It’s Groundhog Day!

Joseph Wakefield as the Groundhog

It’s Cupid!

Talker96 as Cupid

Inaugural Spam

Joseph Wakefield as President Roosevelt

Michael Wakefield as President Jefferson

H.R. Nightmare as President Washington

H.E. Ellis as President Lincoln

Interview with the King of the Leprechauns

Michael Wakefield as Fergus O’Malley

I Prank You Not

H.R. Nightmare as Loki the Trickster

It’s the Easter Bunn- er, Wallaby?

Megan Stephenson as the Easter Wallaby

Earth Day Interview with Gaia

Sandylikeabeach as Gaia

It’s Flagulous!

Sparklebumps as Betsy Ross

It’s Time For Father Time!

Trask Avenue as Father Time

SciFi Face Off!

Sightsnbytes as Captain James T. Kirk

Dayton Ward as Captain Jean Luc Picard

Andiamo Columbus!

Viva Italia as Christopher Columbus

Interview With The Werewolf

S. Quinn Shaw as the Werewolf

Turkey Incognito

Edward Hotspur as Tom Turkey

Interview with Frosty the Snowman

Archon’s Den as Frosty the Snowman

Interview with LeMonjello Otis

TrailerTrashDeluxe as LeMonjello Otis

Interview with Brown Shugga

KayJai as Brown Shugga

Interview with Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

PouringMyArtOut as Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Santa’s Shame Spiral Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

BrainRants as Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus and Lipschitz the Elf

Want to be a part of the next Bloggers’ Compilation Project?

Check out F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES and leave your choice in the comments. All profits from the sale of Iconic Interviews and FUFT are donated to charity.


It’s Time For Father Time

Father’s Day is upon us and with it an interview from the ultimate patriarch, Father Time.

*Good Afternoon, uh…is there such a thing as a time reference like “afternoon” in your reality?

Why wouldn’t there be? I’m just like you, missy. Minus the white beard. But don’t worry. It’s nothing a little electrolysis can’t help you with. (Bursts out laughing and slaps his knee). Man, I slay me! See what I did there?

*Yes.

I took the white beard reference and applied it to you! Since this is a print interview, people will think you have a white beard! Haha!

*Yes, I got it. Hilarious.

I know, right? I missed my calling, but relatively speaking stand-up comedy is a new thing. What would I have done before what you people call the 20th century? Wear a jester’s hat? No way. I have my pride. Plus, have you ever seen a comedian with such impressive biceps?

*So…

What? You want me to flex?

*No, thanks. Do time references like “afternoon” exist in your reality?

Oh, that. No offense, sweetie, but that’s dumb question. I mean I’m sitting here with you, aren’t I? In the afternoon. I would think the answer is obvious.

*It’s not afternoon everywhere.

Hey, don’t get all smart-ass and technical. Although I am everywhere I can’t be everywhere. I have to be somewhere, even if I am everywhere. So wherever I am, which doesn’t mean everywhere, is where I am. And when I am there, like I am here, I follow the clock like everyone else. By the way, do you know why clocks die?

*Why?

Because their time is up! Haha! Get it? You see when people die other people say their time was up. So when you apply that to clocks it takes on a whole new double meaning!

*That begs for your thoughts on how we measure time.

You mean how I taught you to measure time. The truth is you people need structure and organization. Have you looked in your closets? So I gave it to you. However, to be fair, precision rocks my world. Without some sort of time structure your life would be chaotic, but mine would be completely different. I wouldn’t be a celebrity, for one. I’d only be that guy with the amazing bod and killer sense of humor. No one would call me Father Time which would be tragic since my given name is Vivien. Hey, wanna see my pecs?

*Since you’ve been around forever you must have witnessed some amazing moments in history. Can you tell us which event was your favorite?

Been around forever? Is that some sort of age crack?

*Of course not. All I’m saying is you are a man of experience.

That’s true. I am. I get a little sensitive when people start talking about age because it is saddled with all these pre-conceived notions. So what if I have a few trillion miles under my belt? I’m still sharper than a Ginsu knife. Not only that, I have quads to die for.

*I’m sure you do. Now back to your favorite moment in history. When was it?

Right now, baby. (winks)

*Which event did history get wrong?

It would be easier to answer which event history got right.

*Okay, which event did history get right?

What? Do I look like some sort of history expert? (Doubles over in laughter.) Sucker! You fell right into that one! Am I killing it or what? Dane Cook couldn’t touch me on his best day! Haha!

*Is there a special lady friend in your life?

Look at me. What do you think? This magic doesn’t just happen. It takes hard work and let me tell you, the ladies appreciate it. One peek at my lats will convince you.

*I’m flattered, but let’s keep this professional.

Oh I’ll keep it professional alright, sugar.

*I have no idea what that means. Do you have any inside information on the Mayans and their world-end predictions?

They were a fun-loving group, the Mayans. Did a bit too much peyote, which is never a good thing. I’ll tell you this much though. Even when the world ends, time will continue. Which means – cha-ching! – I have nothing to worry about.

*What is the one thing most people get wrong about you?

That I’m a “father”. I’m not. I challenge anyone to produce a paternity test that says otherwise. And if they do show me a test it better be multiple choice. Haha!

 

This bit of Father’s Day diversion brought to you by the mad genius of John at Trask Avenue. For more holiday fun read Iconic Interviews- some of the best bloggers around the ‘sphere coming together for a good cause and a lot of laughs. Pick up a copy today.


Iconic Interviews – The Book!

iicoverartebook

iicoverartebookFor those of you who just can’t get enough of the holiday spirit, consider purchasing the collaborative blogger eBook:

ICONIC INTERVIEWS - The world’s most beloved holiday icons presented in a collection of irreverent interviews that take on the backstory of their imagined existences.

Your favorite bloggers are interviewed as iconic holiday characters, each one zanier than the next. All proceeds from the purchase of this book are donated to the bloggers collective project known as Wrists Around The World. For a free copy of this eBook as well as additional works from H.E. Ellis visit: www.wristsaroundtheworld.com

AVAILABLE IN EBOOK FORMAT THROUGH SMASHWORDS

AVAILABLE IN EBOOK FORMAT THROUGH AMAZON

AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK THROUGH AMAZON

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I’D LIKE TO THANK THE FOLLOWING BLOGGERS FOR THEIR GENEROUS CONTRIBUTION:

It’s Groundhog Day!

Joseph Wakefield as the Groundhog

It’s Cupid!

Talker96 as Cupid

Inaugural Spam

Joseph Wakefield as President Roosevelt

Michael Wakefield as President Jefferson

H.R. Nightmare as President Washington

H.E. Ellis as President Lincoln

Interview with the King of the Leprechauns

Michael Wakefield as Fergus O’Malley

I Prank You Not

H.R. Nightmare as Loki the Trickster

It’s the Easter Bunn- er, Wallaby?

Megan Stephenson as the Easter Wallaby

Earth Day Interview with Gaia

Sandylikeabeach as Gaia

It’s Flagulous!

Sparklebumps as Betsy Ross

It’s Time For Father Time!

Trask Avenue as Father Time

SciFi Face Off!

Sightsnbytes as Captain James T. Kirk

Dayton Ward as Captain Jean Luc Picard

Andiamo Columbus!

Viva Italia as Christopher Columbus

Interview With The Werewolf

S. Quinn Shaw as the Werewolf

Turkey Incognito

Edward Hotspur as Tom Turkey

Interview with Frosty the Snowman

Archon’s Den as Frosty the Snowman

Interview with LeMonjello Otis

TrailerTrashDeluxe as LeMonjello Otis

Interview with Brown Shugga

KayJai as Brown Shugga

Interview with Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

PouringMyArtOut as Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Santa’s Shame Spiral Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

BrainRants as Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus and Lipschitz the Elf

THANK YOU ALL AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!


SANTA CLAUS – THE SHOCKING CONCLUSION

Gragas_Santa

Gragas_SantaWell, blogworld, your faithful Hellis here.  We’re coming up on one of my very favorite times of the year.  I do truly love Christmas.  However, many of my readers might be shocked to learn just how totally-

[Insert News Flash Music][Insert the Attention-Grabbing Alert screen]

(Scene cuts in to our Anchorman, Pennis Stone)

Stone: (perfect, jet black feathered hair and smoldering brown eyes) Ladies and Gentlemen, this just in!  North Pole News SkyCam Reporter Chip Swizzle is live with us right now!  Apparently Chip has spotted – all on his eagle-eyed own – the notorious red Impala reported to be connected with multiple escaped Santa sightings. Chip, what can you tell us?

[Visual with helicopter noise: red Impala with two passengers, one in a Santa suit, one a woman in a gown]

Chip: Thanks, Dick! Yeah, we’re here just outside the North Pole capital and spotted what we believe is the fugitive Santa Claus, wanted on multiple drug, prostitution, and a smorgasbord of Federal Code violations related to shady business practices and money laundering.  I’m told police are on the way now, and … yes, yes, here they come.  Our pilot is going to try and fly lower…

Stone:  Heh heh, that’s Pennis, Chip! (winks at camera) Can you describe what you believe the fugitives are doing?  I see what looks like a man in a Santa suit and a woman.  What do you make of it, Chip?

[Shaky aerial visual continues, red hat twirls out over the rear of Impala.  Picture tightens, and a white-haired fat man rocks out with a woman face-down in his lap]

Chip: Holy moly!  I’m not sure what they’re doing down there, but the police are catching up fas… oh wait, two just skidded off the road in the snow.  Anyway, we’re still holding station.

Stone: Chip, it looks like the same thing going on right here under the anchor desk.  How close are the police now?

[Continued aerial shot of car, woman now sitting up, face in hand as fat man attempts to run cop off road Hazzard-style]

Chip: Dick, it looks like a struggle down there, and I can’t tell for certain but the woman appears to be Gloria Allred… oh, man!  Santa just rammed one cop off the road!  And there’s two up the road making a road block!  Are you getting this, man?

Stone: (irritated): We’re getting it fine, Swizzle stick.  This looks like the fugitive Claus is done running.  Swizzle, anything new developing?

[Wide-angle view, red Impala speeding toward two cop cars with lights going]

Chip: Yeah, Dick, you may be correct.  Santa doesn’t appear to be doing any evasive moves, and looks like he’s on a cell phone.  That’ll be another charge against hi… OH HOLY BEJEEZUS!

[Scene jolted wildly out of kilter, sleigh briefly visible in skewed picture, rumbling of afterburners]

Stone: What’s going on, Swizzle?  Talk to us?

[Scene shows Santa sleigh with a burly man in a kilt, a Thai hooker and two black-cloaked passengers swooping down toward the Impala]

Chip: Holy Klingon battle cruisers! We were just nearly blown out of the sky by what looks like a sleigh pulled by reindeer… and … I might need to lay off the rock, but I’d swear there’s a guy with a sword in a kilt and a Thai hooker in his lap… and .. wait… what is this? Halloween on Christmas?  I’d swear the two people in back are both dressed as the Grim Reaper.

Stone: Ha! Yeah, Swizz, you need to cut out that smack.  What’s developing now?

[Scene now stable, showing the sleigh crossing above the Impala while the two Reapers reach down to pull Santa clear, Allred taking the wheel and snapping a u-ey, and the sleigh rocketing out of sight][sonic boom sound]

Chip: Noooo waaaay!  That was totally bitchen!

Stone: Chip! Did Santa just escape?

Chip: (deep inhaling sound)

Stone: Chip? Chip!

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOG…

…and so, after all that heartfelt revelation on my true feelings for Christmas, I wish all of you and yours a truly merry one! (Thanks for the tunes, Frank!)


The SANTA SHAME SPIRAL Ends…Interview with Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Funny-Christmas-ReindeerHello everyone, and welcome to what I’ve come to pray is my last interview.  Hey! Pulitzer guy… ya fanug! I might be praying, but that’s all this girl’s doing on her knees for your award! … ahem.  Anyway, I’m here with the one and only Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  Rudolph how are you doing today?

R: I have a head cold. I know it’s hard to tell because my nose is always red. In fact, I am pretty sure that is how those stories got started in the tabloids. But I do not have a drinking problem and I gave up snorting the ‘snow’. Sure, I like to put a little rum in my egg nog. We all do that. It is cold where we live.

You want to talk about a drinking problem ask me about Blitzen. How do you think he got that name? I remember once when they were playing some reindeer game… this is back before they let me play with them… Blitzen broke both of Prancer’s front legs. Prancer, that’s the gay one… not that there is anything wrong with that… couldn’t prance for three months. You have any idea what it’s like to be a gay reindeer that can’t prance?

H.E.: Can you give us any insight into what working for Santa is like?

R: First of all, it really pisses me off that people think we work just one night a year. Santa has a magic bag that is sort of like a Tardis… bigger on the inside than on the outside. But he doesn’t have a magic toy factory. It is more like a sprawling 600 acre complex of tool shops, fabrication plants, painting facilities and so on. Not to mention the vast warehouses for stuff coming in and going out. We get shipments of finished products and raw materials from all over the world.

All that stuff has to get moved from place to place. The elves load it on big work sleds and guess who gets to drag it where it needs to go. I was pulling work sleds long before I got to pull the big guy’s sled. See, that is our magic. We can make stuff float, or hover or whatever. And the reindeer don’t have a union. It isn’t all fun and reindeer games, I can tell you. At least we got the elves to stop using whips.

H.E.: Oh, my.  That sounds barbaric.  I suppose you have no family?

R: A family? Are you kidding me? When would I have time? And believe it or not, my nose is a genetic mutation that comes in handy when it is foggy, but it isn’t exactly a magnet for the babes if you know what I’m saying. Would you date somebody with a glowing body part?

H.E.:  The world is dying to know: which of the Reindeer are male and which are female?

R: Donner and Blitzen are male. Prancer is a dude, but he is a little light in the hooves if you know what I mean… not that there is anything wrong with that… And Dasher, Comet and Cupid are all guys. Dasher is sort of full of himself, and Comet is a real asshole, but whatever.

Dancer and Vixen are the only ladies in the Christmas lineup. But I use the term ‘ladies’ in only the loosest sense… ha, that’s funny now that I think about it. Vixen earned her name the hard way… oh man, I kill myself… yeah, that girl puts out like a vending machine. She will present her haunches to any male mammal with a pulse.

H.E.: On more pertinent topics, do you have any knowledge of the charges currently building against Santa Claus?

R: Which charges are we talking about? I know for a fact that he has warrants out for his arrest in at least 15 countries. Most of that is stuff he does when he is on vacation. And he plays pretty fast and loose with the rules here at the pole. Because he makes all the rules.

All that other stuff, I could care less. I have my own problems. But if the cops ever put a sobriety checkpoint on the roof of a house on Christmas eve, there are going to be a lot of pissed off kids in the morning, that’s for damn sure.

H.E.: And how would you describe the role of a certain elf, Lipschitz?

R: Lipschitz is a dipshit. He calls himself a whistle blower. The closest he ever got to that is what I caught him doing to Prancer in the stables one night.

H.E.:  Have you witnessed any kind of abuse or domestic violence?

R: I have my job… and my life… to think about. Ratting out the big guy would be like testifying against a Mob boss… when you work for him. I mean, that guy is stone-cold fucking crazy. Do you know why he wears red all the time? It isn’t a fashion statement. It’s so the blood doesn’t show. Rumor has it that there is a dungeon under one of the toy factories. Elves, animals and people dissapear when the big guy gets angry. I know for a fact that he melted Frosty the Snowman with a welding torch.

And Mrs. Claus? Let’s just say that she walks into a lot of door edges and falls down a lot. That is the story and I am sticking to it. I’ve said too much already.

H.E.: Final question: Two generations of Americans are dying to know – is the claymation holiday movie based on your life?

R: Which movie? You have any idea how many movies have me in them? There are hundreds of them. And none of us sees a dime in royalties.

Most of those were put out by our P.R. department. They are good. They are like the Disney corporation. And you know what? Santa pays attention to his image. But it’s all reindeer shit. If they ever made a movie of my life it would be directed by Quentin Tarantino and it would be rated X.

I met the Abominable Snowman once. Fucker tried to eat me. And that island of misfit toys? That place is a freak show. Remember that Toy Story movie that had the kid in it that tortured toys and cut them up and stuck the parts back together to make sick mutants? That kid has nothing on Santa. Picture being in that kid’s room when the toys come alive… and you are frying on some really bad acid.

But Santa really can make toys come alive. And sometimes he likes to blow off a little steam. The island of misfit toys is where he goes to play Dr. Frankenstein. I think you get the idea.


The SANTA SHAME SPIRAL Continues…Interview With Brown Shugga!

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bsH.E.: Good morning!  I have landed an exclusive with a personality not often featured in the stories concerning Santa Claus and the ongoing drama surrounding him.  Today, I am interviewing Lashonda Jefferson, otherwise known as Brown Shugga.  Good morning La… uhm, Ms. Shugga.

B.S.: You can call me, Shugga honey.  Everybody does.

H.E.: I have to ask up front, what got you into this life, and why did you pick a corner in the North Pole?

B.S.: Baby, that’s one hell of a long story involving wayward elves and their love of…well, let’s just say they like them some brown shugga, you know what I’m sayin’ honey?  Anyways, it’s damn cold on up in here if you don’t have nothin’ to keep you warm at night, and that Mrs. Claus, well she’s just plain crazy, you feel me?  One of them elves just decided that Santa needed some good ol’ fashioned TLC if you get my drift, and he dragged my ass up and I’ve been here ever since.  Can’t seem to get nobody to take me back and I can’t say I evah want to leave.

H.E.: Can you relate to the audience how the night of Mr. Claus’ arrest went down?

B.S.: I know that Kris is pissed at Brown Shugga, but I never set nobody up to take no fall!  He was out, ya know lookin’ to score some Shugga *wink* and some coke.  Of course, Shugga always takes care of her clients…especially them ‘high profile’ ones…Some bitch who was lookin’ to take over ma territory and ma man come outta nowhere and offered Kris her stuff!!  Can you imagine?!! Well, I ain’t dealin’ with that bitch and I beat her ass.  She tryin’ to hustle poor Kris into thinkin’ that she…that…that….HO!  Fuckin’ whitey she was…she was a plant, a fuckin’ cop, I know it!  I can smell a pig…anyways, next thing ya know me and Santa Baby in cuffs and bein’ dragged down to the station like common criminals! He was downright mean and nasty after that!  Whew, baby you ain’t seen nobody with a temper like that fucker…

H.E.: I see.  And you were then released with charges dropped in exchange for your information, true?

B.S.: Baby, Brown Shugga ain’t been charged with nothin’ and ain’t gonna be charged with nothin’.  I was simply providin’ a service.  Good ol’ fashioned satisfyin’ the demands of the area, if ya get ma drift.  As for white bitch, she got what was comin’ to her…I got yo information right here, baby! (clutches her crotch) Hehehe..no, really. I gots lots of information and it’s all written down in ma – well, let’s just say Shugga is well protected.

H.E.: I have sources that also maintain that you and a certain D.A. have an ongoing ‘special relationship.’  Can you comment on that?

B.S.: Oh, ya mean…well, we been friends for years.  He and I have an understandin’….he lets me live ma life and I give him some well-deserved R&R if you feel me…he certainly does…hehehe…hey.  You hungry?  You little on the thin side…want some of my tuna salad?  I made it this mornin’ while I was takin’ a break…

H.E.:  Oh… no.  I just do not like tuna, thanks.  Moving on, what is the nature of your relationship to LeMonjello Otis?

B.S.:  Oh, dear LeMon he been tailin’ ma ass for years. He can’t hurt nobody, fucked up little fool.  He talks big and all, but he’s really small in the, ya know, dick department.  Shugga knows how to make him feel more like a man, but fuck, he’s really sm-

H.E.: Are the rumors of you launching a daytime talk show on the Oprah Network true?

B.S.: Oprah?!  Baby, me and Oprah are like THAT (crosses fingers) Sista knows how to talk and Shugga is more than willin’ to let her all the way to Shugga’s bank account….anywho, it’s just talk right now.  We’ll see how things go, ya know with Kris and his problems an’ all…crazy bitch wife ain’t makin’ easy on ‘im though…fucker needs some good lawyerin’ up…

H.E.:  One last question – just how big is Santa’s – er, sleigh?

B.S.: Honey, Shugga don’t kiss an’ tell…but I can say he ain’t no magical elf for nothin’…hehehe…

STAY TUNED FOR OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT OF THE SANTA SHAME SPIRAL WHERE WE SIT DOWN WITH NONE OTHER THAN RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER!

SANTA SPAM ONE

SANTA SPAM TWO

SANTA SPAM THREE

INTERVIEW WITH FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

INTERVIEW WITH LEMONJELLO OTIS


The SANTA SHAME SPIRAL Continues…Interview With LeMonjello Otis

santa-behind-bars

santa-behind-barsToday we continue our series chronicling the downfall of one of Earth’s most beloved holiday icons, Santa Claus.  Our guest today is a self-proclaimed, “Herbal Entrepreneur” who was arrested that fateful night in January alongside Santa Claus. Today we sit down with Santa’s alleged dealer, LeMonjello Otis.

H.E.: Hello again. Today I’m digging further into the seedy, rumor-filled world of the ongoing drama surrounding Santa Claus.  With me today is Mr. LeMonjello Otis, who is rumored to be a connection to this ongoing case.  Mr. Otis, can you describe your relationship with Mr. Claus?

L.O.:  Whoa, now wait jist a New York minute, there, fine lady.  The Lemon-man don’t have no, relationships, with no brothers.  I don’t know who you been talkin’ to, but (slaps fist into palm), but they might wanta think twice about dissin’ L. O.  Me and S.C. go way back to college days; you might say that ol’ Red-n-White likes his recreational treats, but that’s all I know.

H.E.:  So then the other rumors about you making massive campaign contributions to a certain recently-reelected government official would also be false?

L.O.:  Total bullshit, sister.  Though I would like to make some massive contributions to Michelle; seen the wiggle on that?  Some fine junk in that trunk!  Speaking a fine, most folks need to call me L. O., but a fine sister like you can call me Lemon. 

H.E.: I am definitely not your sister.  You have been seen frequenting the D.A.’s office on many occasions.  What has he offered you in return for whatever knowledge you… uh, don’t have… on Mr. Claus?

L.O.: (Lights a cigarette, frowns, looks at the floor) I’m not supposed to say no shit about that.  Let’s just say the Lemon-man likes to spend time with the ladies, not at no barbed-wire and concrete men’s club. 

H.E.:  The N.P.P.D. Chief claims you are a menace and a known drug dealer.  Your comment?

L.O.:  The Chief might do good to not let his own daughter record certain “fashion-shows” that the chief likes to put on on Saturday nights.  Speakin’ of fashion shows, the Lemon-man likes to dress like a stud, but for as fine a form as you got, sister–let’s just say, you want me to wear a tutu, long as nobody’s filmin’ it, I’m there for ya, long as you let me cook breakfast for you in the morning, know what I’m sayin’? 

H.E.: No, thank you.  Can you prove those counter-accusations?

L.O.:  In two years, when the chief’s daughter turns 18, they’s gonna be lots a provin’ goin’ on.  The Lemon may not be Billy Graham, but the sisters gots to be legal.

H.E.: Have you had dealings with a certain Brown Shugga?

L.O.:  (Blows smoke out his nose, coughs, and whistles)  Whooo-eee, dealin’s??  Let’s us just say, the Lemon-man has a sniffle, he visits Shugga, an’ the sinuses are clear as a Nebraska sunrise, know what I’m sayin’.  (Smiles stupidly for 45 seconds) You is fine, sister, whatsay you ‘n’ Shugga have a “nice-ass” contest over at my crib this weekend?  The Lemon bring in a truckload a Viagra for you two. 

H.E.:  I see, and no, I do not want any of that.  So would you characterize yourself as her pimp?

L.O.:  The Lemon is a investor, nothin’ more, nothin’ less.  Brown Shugga, she be my chief investment.  Brother got to bring in some lawyer-money, know what I’m sayin’? 

H.E.:  Uhhh… yes, I suppose I must admit one must keep one’s pimp hand strong.  Does the name Lipshitz the Elf mean anything to you?

L.O.:  Le’s just say, none a the sisters wants ta get in the little man’s van.  Somethin’ odd about the brotha.  Hell, something odd about a van.  (Shivers, pulls on his whisky)

RETURN TOMORROW FOR OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT WITH SANTA’S PROSTITU- er, I MEAN, ESCORT, BROWN SHUGGA!

The SANTA SHAME SPIRAL Continues…Interview With Frosty The Snowman

christmas_joy_warms_the_heart_santa_claus_frosty_snowmanThis past year we’ve chronicled the rapid decline and ultimate downfall of a great holiday icon, Santa Claus. From his original sitdown with us in Santa Spam One, to our very revealing interview with Mrs. Claus and right-hand elf Lipshitz in Santa Spam Two, and onto his now infamous drunken tirade in Santa Spam Three.

One can’t help but wonder how a man who rose to greatness could sink so low. Could examining his childhood shine a light onto the troubles that were to come? For those of you looking for answers look no further, because today we visit with a ghost from Santa’s Christmas’ past- his childhood friend and confidante:

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

H.E.: Hello blogworld and gather around. I’m standing out here freezing my soft bits off so that I can bring you an interview with an icon of Christmas, Frosty the Snowman. Frosty how are you today?

F.t.S.: Cold and hard, if you know what I mean.  If you treat me nice, I’ll let you hold my snowballs.  Whatya say?  A little friction could warm you up.  Hmmh?  C’mon!  What, nothin’ but a cold shoulder?  I could get that at home.  Can’t blame a guy for tryin’ though, eh?

H.E.: I’d like to tackle some hard-hitting questions first. You’re well-known for your corncob pipe, button nose and coal-lump eyes. Is this your personal statement about public smoking legislation, child labor in sweatshops, and open-pit mining?

F.t.S.: Nah!  I used to be much better turned-out, but then one day a big Chinook blew through.  Melted me right down to my bare essentials, you know what I’m sayin’?  By the time the runoff subsided, this was all my Eskimo friends could find in the storm drain, to put me back together with.  I went on the Inuit weight-gain diet to regain my Rubenesque look.  I had to eat whale meat and blubber.  If you had to eat nothing but whale meat, you’d blubber too.

H.E.: Hmm, I see. One more – not many people know, but years back you released a record to extend your fan base into summer that you called, “Frosty: the Wetter Side.” Any comment on that album and the rumors that you ripped off William Shatner’s idea?

F.t.S.: I wanted to title that one, “Slip and Slide”.  I think the kids would really have gone for it, but some toy company got all pissy about it.  Like they’re the only ones who ever had a good idea.  Far as I’m concerned they can all starve, but I guess lawyers gotta justify their existence.

Interesting that you should mention Shatner.  We found out later that the big warm blow that almost turned me into a tropical cloud, wasn’t really a Chinook.  It was just Bill comin’ through on a speaking tour.  I know I have a well-rounded….personality, but have you looked at him recently?  I looked up “fat chance” the other day, and there was a picture of him, eh.

H.E.: How have you come to grips with being a seasonal personality?

F.t.S.: It’s not bad.  It’s like being semi-retired.  Work a few months, and then kick back and live off the residuals.  I was thinking of expanding the market and working South America in the off-season.  I’ve already had to learn Inuit and that poutine French they speak in Quebec.  I didn’t think it was worth having to learn Spanish, besides, it’s almost impossible to get a refrigerated flight to Chile.

H.E.: Is there a Mrs. Frosty?

F.t.S.: There might soon be an ex-Mrs. Frosty.  She hasn’t just been Frosty; she’s been down-right frigid for years.  Santa’s been whining about losing Mrs. Claus, but he needs her or some other Harriet Homemaker type, to keep the elves out of trouble.  Polar bears and Arctic seals can take care of themselves.

H.E.: Two generations have seen the claymation TV specials, but in your own words, where the hell do you go between spring and early winter?

F.t.S.: Certainly not to Hell, unless you mean those few times when Hell freezes over.  I migrate north with the caribou.  I used to have a nice place just outside of Nome.  I could see Sarah Palin’s place from my front porch.  It was nice for a while, but now it’s all full of political reporters and comedy writers.  She got drunked-up one day, mistook me for a moose, and almost shot my ass.  Now I go so far up, that the North Pole sticks up my frozen assets.

H.E.: My sources tell me you are building a case to sue Wendy’s over their signature frozen shake name that they sell. Any comment on that?

F.t.S.: Who told you about Wendy??!  First Shatner, now her.  Have you been reading my biography galley?  We’re just friends!  Although she does have a warm heart, and a cold freezer.  The wife and I have been going to an Aleutian marriage counsellor, but if that doesn’t work out, I could move in with Wendy.  I might be a little cabin-fevery after six months in a meat locker, but she promises to make it worth my while.  She’s already been slipping me some of the royalties from my namesake treat.  I’ve been using it to hire a limo-dogsled for the trips north.

H.E.: Any final thoughts for the audience?

F.t.S.: Work hard to be a leader!  If you aren’t the lead dog in the sled-team, the view never changes.  Stay frosty, and like the Eskimos say, “Don’t eat yellow snow!”

Return for our next installment of the SANTA SHAME SPIRAL where we interview his dealer, LeMonjello Otis.

 


Even Darker Still…

santa_arrested20721

Today we feature the last of the Santa Spam series that documented the final days before Santa’s arrest for prostitution, money laundering and drug trafficking. Tomorrow begins our Countdown to Christmas featuring interviews with his childhood friends and present associates. Prepare yourselves for a shocking inside view of the man behind the beard. I bring you…

SANTA SPAM – PART THREE

2santa3


The Darker Side Of Santa Claus

We continue our countdown to Christmas with an interview with Santa’s better, or at least other half, Mrs. Claus. Following that is the now infamous Lipshitz post, where we get a glimpse into the seedy underbelly of Santa’s Elf-riddled “Sweatshop.” Today I bring you…

SANTA SPAM – PART TWO

2part-two-spam


JAILBREAK AT THE NORTH POLE

santa_arrested20721

//– DATELINE: NORTH POLE –//

Associated Press

North Pole – Shocking developments today at the North Pole rocked legal and judicial communities all around the world.

Santa Claus, under arrest for a variety of charges since early this year, has escaped custody.  The warden for the North Pole District Detention Facility declined comment.

Unnamed sources cited mafia connections in this classic jailbreak, which ultimately caused an entire wing of the Detention Facility to be shut down for repair.  “Total overkill,” one guard said, “One minute, I was rousting this sex offen… uh, checking on the prisoners, and the next I woke up in the middle of the deflated Bouncy Castle down on the floor.  The inmates were devastated.”  Other sources confirmed that riotous prisoners were transferred to separate them after a near riot over the Bouncy Castle.

The usually taciturn District Attorney maintained that, “We will of course seek justice for the people in this case.  This is in no way over.”  An unnamed source close to the DA hinted that the unofficial verdict here in the Pole region is ‘good riddance’ after the ongoing circus of civil disturbances resulting from Santa Claus’ arrest and incarceration.

At the height of the Santa Crisis, the NAACP provided Claus an attorney to replace Jose Baez, who quit the case citing personal reasons.  Santa Claus’ pro bono lawyer declined comment, but later Al Sharpton issued a statement saying, “Justice is served for Brother Claus.  Whether he’s free now or was set free later by an activist jury doing the right thing, justice has prevailed.”  NAACP and Sharpton spokesbrothers were available for further comment.

The legal circuit media here in town were not put off breaking news for long, however.  Only hours after Claus’ mysterious and violent escape, North Pole Police responded to a 9-1-1 call allegedly made by staffers working for Gloria Allred, the lawyer representing Mrs. Claus in her divorce proceedings.  One jelly-donut-filling-smeared officer stated, “We have no suspects at this time, but the connection with the jail break cannot be overlooked.”  A source within NPP said off the record that one key item logged into evidence were salad tongs that were found at the scene.

Other sources close to the presiding judicial figures in these cases hinted at a unilateral backroom deal that would settle both cases without further court drama.  Just this morning beat reporters went to the blogs to announce that Mrs. Claus boarded a commercial flight out of the Pole, possibly confirming rumors of this alleged backroom deal.  No official representatives of any North Pole offices were available for comment after this.

FOLLOW THE DEBACLE:

SANTA SPAM PART ONE

SANTA SPAM PART TWO

SANTA SPAM PART THREE

SANTA SPAM UPDATE

UPDATE SANTA CLAUS

TRENDING NOW – SANTA CLAUS

DATELINE – SANTA


First Amendment Battle Royale

shark-vs-narwhal

My son Junior considers himself a burgeoning Political Science expert (read: Insufferable teenage know-it-all), so when I came across this brand new Editorial Policy on the contact page of the Krill Press website I immediately asked him for his opinion:

EDITORIAL POLICY: Krill Press does not support liberalism and the liberal progressive agenda prevalent at this time in America, and is not interested in receiving submissions from authors whose personal ideology runs along these lines. All new, submitting authors will be vetted for Conservative values, and publishing contracts will be awarded, rejected, or recalled based on the results of this vetting at any time during the pre-publishing or post-publishing process. Our first requirement for acquisitions is, and always will be, excellent writing, and we do not in any way screen or censor the content of submissions based on apparent liberal content. In other words, you can write the most liberal-themed novel in the world, and as long as it is excellent writing, and you have satisifed us through the vetting process that you are a Conservative person, your submission stands a very good chance of being considered by us. Only you know if this policy applies to you or not, so please consider this seriously before making a decision on submiting your work to Krill Press.

My take on this policy is that it borders on, if not downright defies, the First Amendment right to free speech. Junior, however, disagrees.

He states that as long as Krill Press is a for-profit enterprise that doesn’t receive monies from the government they can choose to publish or not publish anything or anyone they want to, and that the First Amendment protects their ability to do so. I didn’t see how that was plausible, so he took the time to look up and then cite the following:

The First Amendment does NOT protect the right to make or distribute obscene material. – Roth v. United States, 354 U.S. 476 (1957).

Junior believes this is the piece of our Constitution that justifies Krill Press’ editorial policy. He states that if Krill Press believes liberal content to be obscene, then they have the right to deny its publication.

He and I went round for round with this one, and in the end we agreed to disagree. His last statement to me was, “Just because you don’t like it, doesn’t make it wrong. There are some things that can’t be done and some things that shouldn’t.” Nothing like having your own words hurled back at you by your fifteen year-old kid.

At the end of it all I suppose I see his point, but there is something very distasteful in what I am reading above and I can’t put my finger on it. If anyone out there has any ideas, I’d love to hear them.

For the whole sordid story visit Krill Press. By the way, the misspelled words above were taken from the site exactly as is. I left them to prove a point.


F*ck Me – It’s NaNoWriMo Time Again

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I know I’m four days behind in this post, but better late than never as someone much more clever than I once said.

For those of you who may not know, NaNoWriMo stands for NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH which basically describes an online community of writers gathered together to practice their craft. You can create a page similar in style to Facebook where you connect with others and draw support from the world of writers.

Anyway, it’s NaNoWriMo time again, and I of course have signed up to fail. The good news here is that I have my second novella, REAPERS WITH FANGS to finish, so I am determined to be successful this year. Who wants to be my buddy and crash and burn succeed with me? I promise it will be a glorious disaster success!

H.E. ELLIS @ NaNoWriMo

If you’ve already joined up, leave a link to your NaNoWriMo page in the comments. For blog posts penned by folks far more dedicated to their craft than I, please visit:

TOM ELIAS

JOE HINOSA

VERY NORMAL

JENNIFER VAUGHN

SIPS OF JEN AND TONIC

OUT WHERE THE BUSES DON’T RUN


I Confess…I Killed Vincent Price

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The date was October 25, 1993. At the time I was watching television, indulging in fistful after fistful of candy corn (yes, I actually like those). I was nearly three months into my first pregnancy so the reality of dressing my swollen belly up for Halloween and partying the night away was out of the question. Well, it was for me anyway.

Enter Mikhail Vlakfeld, my future ex-husband, heading toward the door dressed as- you guessed it, a Vampire. With all the wisdom of an eighteen year old only four months into marriage, he opted to leave me home to go party with his friends.

Relegated to a night of sulking over my Uterine Bastille, I began flipping through channels until I stumbled upon a Vincent Price movie marathon. It was in that moment that I uttered the phrase that would come to haunt me for the next nineteen years:

“My God, isn’t that guy dead yet?”

Seems like a harmless enough phrase, right? Jump to the next morning and me opening the front door to find my future ex-husband passed out face down on the front step, drooling onto a newspaper with a headline that read:

Vincent Price- dead at 82 years old.

That’s right. Apparently at the exact moment I uttered the above phrase, the great Vincent Price keeled over dead. You better believe my family never lets me forget this happened. I wish they would because let me tell you, Vincent Price is NOT the guy you want to kill with the power of an ill-spoken phrase. I expect the afterlife will not be a pleasant place for me.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!


CITIZENS OF BLOGWORLD – I BESEECH YOU

BloggerIdol

My fellow Blogglanders,

I’d like to take a moment to step outside of the humor box and use my blog post today as an opportunity to spread awareness for a cause I truly believe in.

There comes a time in the lives of all bloggers when we find a need to step back and reflect on our journey through the virtual utopia that is Blogworld. Some of us have come here to broaden our horizons and to find inspiration within the photo or travel blogs that pepper the Freshly Pressed page. Many of us find comfort and community amongst the animal lover or mommy blogs of WordPress. Still others use their blog to extract humor from the banality of the workday life and to share their plight with the blog world around them.

But once in a great while there comes a blogger who stands out among the rest- a blogger who effortlessly straddles the line between tragedy and comedy. A blogger who bucks convention with his often times controversial opinions on the validity of religion or the sanctity of marriage or the awesomeness of Star Trek. A blogger who challenges the status quo, strives to enlighten both men and women alike, and who boldly laughs in the face of clowns.

It is this singular blogger who I believe can deliver us all into an era of change and lead us down a path of righteousness and light. That is why I, Hellis of Bloggerland, am asking its citizens for their support and their vote for EDWARD HOTSPUR as champion of the BLOGGER IDOL contest.

“Amongst the weeds of the world, a flower grows…”

CAST YOUR VOTE FOR EDWARD HOTSPUR HERE:


Let’s Get Ready To Rumble!!!

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WEDNESDAY! WEDNESDAY! WEDNESDAY!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WITNESS THE SPECTACLE THAT IS DESTINED TO BE KNOWN AS THE DUEL OF THE CENTURY! WATCH IN AMAZEMENT AS BLOGWORLDS’ OWN LILY-LADEN LOTHARIO EDWARD HOTSPUR MATCHES WITS WITH THE ENIGMATIC CLOWN PRINCE HIMSELF- LE CLOWN IN A DUEL SO INTENSE IT’S SURE TO MAKE HAMILTON AND BURR LOOK LIKE A SLAP FIGHT!

BUT WAIT…THERE’S MORE!!!

WATCH AS TEAM EDWARD’S OWN LOVELY AND TALENTED GINGERSNAAP OF OHMYGODJUSTDOWHATISAY FAME, FLANKED BY THE VERY HANDSOME EL GUAPO FACE-OFF AGAINST LE CLOWN’S OWN WORDSMITH EXTRODINAIRES MADAME WEEBLES AND SPEAKER 7.

The winning topics:

  • Furries (fetish), suggested by Carrie Rubin (16 votes);
  • Group Sex in Retirement Adult Community, suggested by Rutabaga (10 votes);
  • Protection Identities, suggested by The Ringmistress (9 votes).

The face-offs will be as follow:

  • September 19 – Furries: Ginger Snaap VS Speaker7;
  • September 20 – Protection Identities: El Guapo VS Madame Weebles;
  • September 21 - Group Sex in Retirement Community: Edward VS Le Clown. 

All posts written by Team Iron Gonads of Iron Fire will be published on Le Clown‘s blog; posts from Team Dachshund will be published on Edward‘s blog. Winners will be crowned by the amount of LIKES each post will get. So you, readers, will have the final say as to who’s this blogosphere’s force to be reckoned with.

TICKETS AVAILABLE FOR THE EPIC BATTLE ROYALE AT THE DOOR FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY!!!

THEY’LL SELL YOU A SEAT BUT YOU’LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE….


F*cked Up Fairy Tales

F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES is a compilation project for bloggers who wish to take up the challenge of writing their own spin on a classic fairy tale. Bloggers are invited to choose one of the tales below and leave their choice in the comments. Only one tale per blogger, please. I will update the list as soon as the choices roll in. Tales are assigned on a first come, first choose basis.

Each tale is to be no more than 5000 words in length, and can be as funny, sick, twisted, erotic or vanilla as you wish. Once your tale is finished feel free to email it back to me where I will run it in a feature post as well add it to the page above. When all the tales are complete, I will work with a publishing company who is volunteering to publish the compilation of works in both ebook and paperback formats. All proceeds from the compiled works will be donated to a participating charity, with sales records made available to contributors annually.

UPDATE – ALL TALES ARE ASSIGNED. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PARTICIPATE AND HAVE NOT RECEIVED A TALE, LEAVE AN IDEA IN THE COMMENTS AND I’LL ADD IT TO THE LIST.


Dear Hellis – A Letter To My Fifteen Year-Old Self

1987

I got this idea from fellow rockin’ chick Darlene at THE DAILY WOMAN. Make sure you check out her post which is witty and insightful as opposed to mine which is…well, you’ll see.

Dear Hellis,

You know how you are absolutely certain that you are going to take off to New York and become a dancer/artist/photographer after high school? Or how you are NEVER going to get married or have children, ever? Well here’s some advice I’d like to give you from the future to make your impending reality bearable.

1. Get off your high horse and date a nerd. Trust me on this.

2. Start studying for the S.A.T.s NOW.

3. Yeah, don’t get attached to all the awesome. Or to your ass, because in twenty years it is going to expand into epic proportions.

4. Your English Lit teacher is NOT correct. What you write will not forever be considered, “the sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate.”

5. Teenaged boys lie. Even the nice ones.

6. Don’t listen to your father.

7. No, your hair does NOT look cool like that.

8. George Michael is gay. Don’t waste your time.

9. What makes you popular at fifteen doesn’t mean shit when you’re forty. Grow a personality now.

10. DO NOT MARRY THE HOT ROMANIAN GUY BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THE LOST BOYS!!!!!

For more “Dear Me” letters visit CHATTING AT THE SKY.


Holy Gay Soap Box

I had planned to run a silly interview in support of my book REAPERS WITH ISSUES today that featured God and Jesus, but have since changed my mind. Because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find a way to write the interview that didn’t come off as offensive. This bothered me more than I had expected it to. For what it’s worth, here’s why.

I was raised in a strict Roman Catholic household that adhered to every dogmatic practice you’ve likely heard of. Naturally that formed some of the rebellious attitude I have adopted in my adult life. Despite all that oppression I did take away some of the good, namely the teachings of Jesus Christ.

Now, before you get all concerned that I am going to show up on your doorstep in a toga, let me explain. Throughout my childhood I was taught that Jesus was delivered to Earth by God because he felt mankind was drifting both morally and spiritually. I was taught that Jesus wanted everyone to love each other, to help each other and to practice tolerance. As I became an adult, I discovered that the name of God, and specifically Jesus, was used as a weapon of moral judgment by some against others. To me, this flies in the face of everything I was taught that Jesus stood for.

When I decided to write REAPERS I knew that I would have to face the obstacle of characterizing Jesus. I did some research and a lot of reading and came to the conclusion through what I’d found that Jesus was either portrayed as completely sinless or terribly flawed. Neither one of those polarized examples fit my image of Christ, so instead I went with “grown home-schooler.” I chose this defining character trait for Jesus because he sees only the good in others, and believes all humans are as capable of love and forgiveness as he is. He soon discovers in my book that he is very, very wrong.

The reason I’ve elected to revamp this post is because my dear friend and blogger (who shall remain anonymous until he gives me permission to update this post with his name) passed along some eloquent words on the topic of Gay Military marriage that I felt compelled to share. I believe his thoughts sum up why I was reluctant to post my tongue-in-cheek interview with the son of God. I am confident, however, that readers will be as moved by his words as I was.

 *****

“I’ve found that rational, sound thinking individuals aren’t threatened by gay marriage or gays in the military. It is people raised on fear and hatred and ashamed of themselves that have the most problem with any other person’s pride, confidence or overt contentment. I wonder how many people realize that the most decorated soldier of the Vietnam War was a gay man.

Being gay and being a good soldier, citizen, or person aren’t mutually exclusive, though the hate mongers make a point of grouping all gays in the same ranks as criminals, pedophiles, and the lower immoral elements of our society. That old saying that “no man is free until all men are free” isn’t just about slavery. The USA consistently touts its greatness and how we who live here are free. This society is no more free and egalitarian then those who actively subjugate their people and it is just as likely to force individuals to perform in ways that are detrimental to themselves as well as their fellow countrymen and women. If the Christian God is so busy protecting the people of America over any others on this planet, why is it our current situation as a country is so fucked up? Allowing same sex couples to have happiness is such a trivial issue it boggles the minds of sane people at how the issue has captured the minds and sick thinking of so many simpletons.

Just as Nazis found scapegoats among Jews, gypsies, intellectuals, and gays our country is now plagued with right wing extremists who strive to thrive by applying ugly pressures to those who are willing to question their radically bigoted agenda. An insidious virus has brainwashed a sizable amount of the American population to accept violence and bigotry as normal and believe that love is to be denied to any but the supposedly chosen.”


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