(insert pithy rejoinder here)

Posts tagged “politics

Inaugural SPaM

In honor of Presidents’ Day I took a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota for an interview with Mount Rushmore Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln for a feature I’m calling “Inaugural SPaM.” While I hoped to get a glimpse into four of the greatest minds of history, what I actually got was…well, I’ll let you read for yourself.

H.E.: WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST SIGNIFICANT CHANGE IN POLITICS SINCE THE FOUNDATION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?

WASHINGTON: “Well I’d have to say that the principles of–“

JEFFERSON: “Why do you always have to answer first? Maybe one of us wants to say something insightful for a change.”

LINCOLN: “Now, now Thomas. George was merely stating–“

JEFFERSON: “Stuff it, Beardy. No one cares what you think.”

ROOSEVELT: “Whoa, hold your horses there, Jeffy.”

JEFFERSON: “I told you not to call me Jeffy!”

ROOSEVELT: “Alright, alright now just settle down. Go on and let Washington here answer and then you can speak your mind, Jeff-uh…son.”

WASHINGTON: “No, no. I’d like to hear what he has to say. Please Thomas, continue. Enlighten us with your timely opinion.”

JEFFERSON: “Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you? I bet you’d just loooove for me to say something so you can take all the credit. You thought I didn’t hear what you said to Franklin in the library, did you? Need someone to draft the Declaration of Independence? Sure, give it to Jefferson. He’ll write anything. I’ve yet to see a royalty check on that by the way.”

WASHINGTON: “We’ve been over this. We thought you understood that it was for the greater good.”

JEFFERSON: “The greater good of what?”

LINCOLN: “The good of the country, Thomas.”

JEFFERSON: “Easy for you to say. You and Baldy here get your birthdays’ remembered. What do Teddy and I get? Bupkiss, that’s what.”

WASHINGTON: “Not THAT again.”

ROOSEVELT: “Now, now; he’s got a point, George.”

JEFFERSON: “Damn straight I’ve got a point. Look at that crowd of people down there. They’re here because it’s Presidents’ Day. PRES-I-DENTS’ DAY. MY birthday is in April. Where’s the greater good in that?”

LINCOLN: “When to celebrate Presidents’ Day was not a decision made by George or I. We can hardly be held accountable for-“

JEFFERSON: “Figures you’d side with Washington. I think you secretly love him.”

WASHINGTON: “Now you’re being ridiculous.”

JEFFERSON: “Oh yeah? Then why does he stare at you all the time?”

LINCOLN: “I don’t know what you’re taking about.”

WASHINGTON: “I think you’ve gone off topic, here.”

JEFFERSON: Here’s a topic for you, George old boy. Of the four of us which one participated in the framing of the Constitution? Huh? What’s that? Oh right, it was ME. I find it highly ironic that I helped draft laws affording freedoms to include celebrating holidays and yet no one recognizes my birthday.”

WASHINGTON: “What the hell’s your problem, Jefferson? You don’t hear Roosevelt complaining.”

ROOSEVELT: “Well now, like I said before, ole Jeff here’s got a point. I’d like to see all our days honored, quite frankly. I know I wouldn’t mind seeing a few female citizens admiring us from below in tank tops come April. Am I right, Abe?”

JEFFERSON: “What are you asking HIM for?”

LINCOLN: “What’s THAT supposed to mean?”

JEFFERSON: “Oh I think you know what that means.”

LINCOLN: “I’ll have you know that I was married for–“

JEFFERSON: “Doesn’t matter. I’ve seen your wife.”

LINCOLN: “AND?”

JEFFERSON: “And can you say HAG?”

H.E.: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! THAT’S ENOUGH! I’LL SKIP TO MY LAST QUESTION WHICH IS THIS: WHAT DO EACH OF YOU THINK OF THE IDEA OF PRESIDENT OBAMA BEING ADDED TO YOUR SCULPTURE?

IN UNISON: “No comment.”


Even Darker Still…

santa_arrested20721

Today we feature the last of the Santa Spam series that documented the final days before Santa’s arrest for prostitution, money laundering and drug trafficking. Tomorrow begins our Countdown to Christmas featuring interviews with his childhood friends and present associates. Prepare yourselves for a shocking inside view of the man behind the beard. I bring you…

SANTA SPAM – PART THREE

2santa3


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,044 other followers