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Posts tagged “SANTA CLAUS

Let’s Play…Guess the Twisted Fictioneer

bsThe author of this particular piece is tomorrow’s featured Twisted Fictioneer. Can you guess who it is?

Good morning!  I have landed an exclusive with a personality not often featured in the stories concerning Santa Claus and the ongoing drama surrounding him.  Today, I am interviewing Lashonda Jefferson, otherwise known as Brown Shugga.  Good morning La… uhm, Ms. Shugga.

B.S.: You can call me, Shugga honey.  Everybody does.

H.E.: I have to ask up front, what got you into this life, and why did you pick a corner in the North Pole?

B.S.: Baby, that’s one hell of a long story involving wayward elves and their love of…well, let’s just say they like them some brown shugga, you know what I’m sayin’ honey?  Anyways, it’s damn cold on up in here if you don’t have nothin’ to keep you warm at night, and that Mrs. Claus, well she’s just plain crazy, you feel me?  One of them elves just decided that Santa needed some good ol’ fashioned TLC if you get my drift, and he dragged my ass up and I’ve been here ever since.  Can’t seem to get nobody to take me back and I can’t say I evah want to leave.

H.E.: Can you relate to the audience how the night of Mr. Claus’ arrest went down?

B.S.: I know that Kris is pissed at Brown Shugga, but I never set nobody up to take no fall!  He was out, ya know lookin’ to score some Shugga *wink* and some coke.  Of course, Shugga always takes care of her clients…especially them ‘high profile’ ones…Some bitch who was lookin’ to take over ma territory and ma man come outta nowhere and offered Kris her stuff!!  Can you imagine?!! Well, I ain’t dealin’ with that bitch and I beat her ass.  She tryin’ to hustle poor Kris into thinkin’ that she…that…that….HO!  Fuckin’ whitey she was…she was a plant, a fuckin’ cop, I know it!  I can smell a pig…anyways, next thing ya know me and Santa Baby in cuffs and bein’ dragged down to the station like common criminals! He was downright mean and nasty after that!  Whew, baby you ain’t seen nobody with a temper like that fucker…

H.E.: I see.  And you were then released with charges dropped in exchange for your information, true?

B.S.: Baby, Brown Shugga ain’t been charged with nothin’ and ain’t gonna be charged with nothin’.  I was simply providin’ a service.  Good ol’ fashioned satisfyin’ the demands of the area, if ya get ma drift.  As for white bitch, she got what was comin’ to her…I got yo information right here, baby! (clutches her crotch) Hehehe..no, really. I gots lots of information and it’s all written down in ma – well, let’s just say Shugga is well protected.

H.E.: I have sources that also maintain that you and a certain D.A. have an ongoing ‘special relationship.’  Can you comment on that?

B.S.: Oh, ya mean…well, we been friends for years.  He and I have an understandin’….he lets me live ma life and I give him some well-deserved R&R if you feel me…he certainly does…hehehe…hey.  You hungry?  You little on the thin side…want some of my tuna salad?  I made it this mornin’ while I was takin’ a break…

H.E.:  Oh… no.  I just do not like tuna, thanks.  Moving on, what is the nature of your relationship to LeMonjello Otis?

B.S.:  Oh, dear LeMon he been tailin’ ma ass for years. He can’t hurt nobody, fucked up little fool.  He talks big and all, but he’s really small in the, ya know, dick department.  Shugga knows how to make him feel more like a man, but fuck, he’s really sm-

H.E.: Are the rumors of you launching a daytime talk show on the Oprah Network true?

B.S.: Oprah?!  Baby, me and Oprah are like THAT (crosses fingers) Sista knows how to talk and Shugga is more than willin’ to let her all the way to Shugga’s bank account….anywho, it’s just talk right now.  We’ll see how things go, ya know with Kris and his problems an’ all…crazy bitch wife ain’t makin’ easy on ‘im though…fucker needs some good lawyerin’ up…

H.E.:  One last question – just how big is Santa’s – er, sleigh?

B.S.: Honey, Shugga don’t kiss an’ tell…but I can say he ain’t no magical elf for nothin’…hehehe…

STAY TUNED FOR OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT OF THE SANTA SHAME SPIRAL WHERE WE SIT DOWN WITH NONE OTHER THAN RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER!

SANTA SPAM ONE

SANTA SPAM TWO

SANTA SPAM THREE

INTERVIEW WITH FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

INTERVIEW WITH LEMONJELLO OTIS


Twisted Fictioneer Interview with BrainRants

Santa-Claus--5767

Santa-Claus--5767Today we begin our series of interviews with THE TWISTED FICTIONEERS, a group of authors who collaborate on charity writing projects such as ICONIC INTERVIEWS and F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES. Every Wednesday and Saturday we will feature an interview from a different author who has contributed to our writing ventures.

Since today is Christmas I thought it fitting to interview the man who started it all. From his portrayal of a sauced and surly Santa Claus in ICONIC INTERVIEWS to his sometimes caustic, ever rantastic blog(s), to his upcoming take on Jack and the Beanstalk for F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES: Volume II, it seems there’s nothing this blogger can’t or won’t rant about.

So grab a beer and don’t spare the bacon because we’re about to spend Christmas with:

BrainRants

When did you know you wanted to be a writer?

I’ve wanted to write since I was SmallRants. I’m only now getting the freedom of maneuver to explore it. The blog started as practice in the self-discipline of writing. I like to think I’ve got that small part nailed down.

Do you prefer to write in a specific genre and if so, why?

Genre? I have to pick one? Shit.

What techniques do you use when crafting your writing day to day that keeps you focused on the plot and storyline?

I don’t know yet, honestly. I just signed up for your story and later an idea came. I basically dumped out what was in my head.

Many readers will probably be offended by F*cked Up Fairy Tales and/or Iconic Interviews. What is your message behind the irreverence?

The only answer to that is ‘Fuck you very much.’ I’ve spent over twenty years defending our freedoms, so if they don’t like what I wrote, they can throw the book away. Nobody’s making them read it.

What is the most challenging aspect of the mechanics of writing for you, and how do you overcome it?

English. Still working on that.

There is art and science involved in writing. What is your favorite aspect of writing in the context of its art?

Sorry, I just wet myself laughing because I can’t see anything even remotely resembling art in my story. Like I said, I emptied my head out onto a document.

Ten years from now, what are you writing?

Probably some dull report for the Government. Sort of like I do now.

tbar

 And now for a little something extra we bring you…

tbar

TEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT BRAINRANTS!

1. What would you consider to be your best personality trait?

I’m clearly so very easy to get along with…

2. What do you think is your worst personality trait?

My epic span of patience, which has been measured at .0037 seconds, when dealing with stupid people.

3. You wake up Saturday morning and everyone has left you alone for the day. What do you do?

You really want to know that?

4. Name one person, living or dead, you’d like to take to dinner:

George S. Patton.

5. If you could choose a superpower, what would it be and why?

X-Ray vision is tempting, because hooray for boobies! But I think being invisible would be just as useful. I can already turn wine into water like a motherfucker…

6. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Texas. Loved it there on my first tour.

7. Your favorite book/favorite meal/favorite sport:

Steak with my special salad.

8. Your favorite movie/food/song that you secretly like but don’t want to admit:

Tough one. I really wish I had time lately to do any of those three things. Sorry.

9. What job do you wish you had?

Though ‘Elephant Inseminator’ is tempting, I think being a food reviewer and critic would be pretty awesome. Or maybe Galactic Emperor.

10. Your favorite swear word:

You have to ask? “Fuck,” the most versatile word in the world.

Tanks alot Santa1

FEATURED BRAINRANTS WORK:

SANTA SPAM PART ONE

SANTA SPAM PART TWO

SANTA SPAM PART THREE

SANTA SPAM UPDATE

UPDATE SANTA CLAUS

TRENDING NOW – SANTA CLAUS

DATELINE – SANTA

JAILBREAK AT THE NORTH POLE

SANTA CLAUS – THE SHOCKING CONCLUSION


Interview With Frosty The Snowman

christmas_joy_warms_the_heart_santa_claus_frosty_snowmanThis past year we’ve chronicled the rapid decline and ultimate downfall of a great holiday icon, Santa Claus. From his original sit down with us in Santa Spam One, to our very revealing interview with Mrs. Claus and right-hand elf Lipshitz in Santa Spam Two, and onto his now infamous drunken tirade in Santa Spam Three.

One can’t help but wonder how a man who rose to greatness could sink so low. Could examining his childhood shine a light onto the troubles that were to come? For those of you looking for answers look no further, because today we visit with a ghost from Santa’s Christmas’ past- his childhood friend and confidante:

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

H.E.: Hello blogworld and gather around. I’m standing out here freezing my soft bits off so that I can bring you an interview with an icon of Christmas, Frosty the Snowman. Frosty how are you today?

F.t.S.: Cold and hard, if you know what I mean.  If you treat me nice, I’ll let you hold my snowballs.  Whatya say?  A little friction could warm you up.  Hmmh?  C’mon!  What, nothin’ but a cold shoulder?  I could get that at home.  Can’t blame a guy for tryin’ though, eh?

H.E.: I’d like to tackle some hard-hitting questions first. You’re well-known for your corncob pipe, button nose and coal-lump eyes. Is this your personal statement about public smoking legislation, child labor in sweatshops, and open-pit mining?

F.t.S.: Nah!  I used to be much better turned-out, but then one day a big Chinook blew through.  Melted me right down to my bare essentials, you know what I’m sayin’?  By the time the runoff subsided, this was all my Eskimo friends could find in the storm drain, to put me back together with.  I went on the Inuit weight-gain diet to regain my Rubenesque look.  I had to eat whale meat and blubber.  If you had to eat nothing but whale meat, you’d blubber too.

H.E.: Hmm, I see. One more – not many people know, but years back you released a record to extend your fan base into summer that you called, “Frosty: the Wetter Side.” Any comment on that album and the rumors that you ripped off William Shatner’s idea?

F.t.S.: I wanted to title that one, “Slip and Slide”.  I think the kids would really have gone for it, but some toy company got all pissy about it.  Like they’re the only ones who ever had a good idea.  Far as I’m concerned they can all starve, but I guess lawyers gotta justify their existence.

Interesting that you should mention Shatner.  We found out later that the big warm blow that almost turned me into a tropical cloud, wasn’t really a Chinook.  It was just Bill comin’ through on a speaking tour.  I know I have a well-rounded….personality, but have you looked at him recently?  I looked up “fat chance” the other day, and there was a picture of him, eh.

H.E.: How have you come to grips with being a seasonal personality?

F.t.S.: It’s not bad.  It’s like being semi-retired.  Work a few months, and then kick back and live off the residuals.  I was thinking of expanding the market and working South America in the off-season.  I’ve already had to learn Inuit and that poutine French they speak in Quebec.  I didn’t think it was worth having to learn Spanish, besides, it’s almost impossible to get a refrigerated flight to Chile.

H.E.: Is there a Mrs. Frosty?

F.t.S.: There might soon be an ex-Mrs. Frosty.  She hasn’t just been Frosty; she’s been down-right frigid for years.  Santa’s been whining about losing Mrs. Claus, but he needs her or some other Harriet Homemaker type, to keep the elves out of trouble.  Polar bears and Arctic seals can take care of themselves.

H.E.: Two generations have seen the claymation TV specials, but in your own words, where the hell do you go between spring and early winter?

F.t.S.: Certainly not to Hell, unless you mean those few times when Hell freezes over.  I migrate north with the caribou.  I used to have a nice place just outside of Nome.  I could see Sarah Palin’s place from my front porch.  It was nice for a while, but now it’s all full of political reporters and comedy writers.  She got drunked-up one day, mistook me for a moose, and almost shot my ass.  Now I go so far up, that the North Pole sticks up my frozen assets.

H.E.: My sources tell me you are building a case to sue Wendy’s over their signature frozen shake name that they sell. Any comment on that?

F.t.S.: Who told you about Wendy??!  First Shatner, now her.  Have you been reading my biography galley?  We’re just friends!  Although she does have a warm heart, and a cold freezer.  The wife and I have been going to an Aleutian marriage counsellor, but if that doesn’t work out, I could move in with Wendy.  I might be a little cabin-fevery after six months in a meat locker, but she promises to make it worth my while.  She’s already been slipping me some of the royalties from my namesake treat.  I’ve been using it to hire a limo-dogsled for the trips north.

H.E.: Any final thoughts for the audience?

F.t.S.: Work hard to be a leader!  If you aren’t the lead dog in the sled-team, the view never changes.  Stay frosty, and like the Eskimos say, “Don’t eat yellow snow!”

Return for our next installment of the SANTA SHAME SPIRAL where we interview his dealer, LeMonjello Otis.

 


SANTA CLAUS – THE SHOCKING CONCLUSION

Gragas_Santa

Gragas_SantaWell, blogworld, your faithful Hellis here.  We’re coming up on one of my very favorite times of the year.  I do truly love Christmas.  However, many of my readers might be shocked to learn just how totally-

[Insert News Flash Music][Insert the Attention-Grabbing Alert screen]

(Scene cuts in to our Anchorman, Pennis Stone)

Stone: (perfect, jet black feathered hair and smoldering brown eyes) Ladies and Gentlemen, this just in!  North Pole News SkyCam Reporter Chip Swizzle is live with us right now!  Apparently Chip has spotted – all on his eagle-eyed own – the notorious red Impala reported to be connected with multiple escaped Santa sightings. Chip, what can you tell us?

[Visual with helicopter noise: red Impala with two passengers, one in a Santa suit, one a woman in a gown]

Chip: Thanks, Dick! Yeah, we’re here just outside the North Pole capital and spotted what we believe is the fugitive Santa Claus, wanted on multiple drug, prostitution, and a smorgasbord of Federal Code violations related to shady business practices and money laundering.  I’m told police are on the way now, and … yes, yes, here they come.  Our pilot is going to try and fly lower…

Stone:  Heh heh, that’s Pennis, Chip! (winks at camera) Can you describe what you believe the fugitives are doing?  I see what looks like a man in a Santa suit and a woman.  What do you make of it, Chip?

[Shaky aerial visual continues, red hat twirls out over the rear of Impala.  Picture tightens, and a white-haired fat man rocks out with a woman face-down in his lap]

Chip: Holy moly!  I’m not sure what they’re doing down there, but the police are catching up fas… oh wait, two just skidded off the road in the snow.  Anyway, we’re still holding station.

Stone: Chip, it looks like the same thing going on right here under the anchor desk.  How close are the police now?

[Continued aerial shot of car, woman now sitting up, face in hand as fat man attempts to run cop off road Hazzard-style]

Chip: Dick, it looks like a struggle down there, and I can’t tell for certain but the woman appears to be Gloria Allred… oh, man!  Santa just rammed one cop off the road!  And there’s two up the road making a road block!  Are you getting this, man?

Stone: (irritated): We’re getting it fine, Swizzle stick.  This looks like the fugitive Claus is done running.  Swizzle, anything new developing?

[Wide-angle view, red Impala speeding toward two cop cars with lights going]

Chip: Yeah, Dick, you may be correct.  Santa doesn’t appear to be doing any evasive moves, and looks like he’s on a cell phone.  That’ll be another charge against hi… OH HOLY BEJEEZUS!

[Scene jolted wildly out of kilter, sleigh briefly visible in skewed picture, rumbling of afterburners]

Stone: What’s going on, Swizzle?  Talk to us?

[Scene shows Santa sleigh with a burly man in a kilt, a Thai hooker and two black-cloaked passengers swooping down toward the Impala]

Chip: Holy Klingon battle cruisers! We were just nearly blown out of the sky by what looks like a sleigh pulled by reindeer… and … I might need to lay off the rock, but I’d swear there’s a guy with a sword in a kilt and a Thai hooker in his lap… and .. wait… what is this? Halloween on Christmas?  I’d swear the two people in back are both dressed as the Grim Reaper.

Stone: Ha! Yeah, Swizz, you need to cut out that smack.  What’s developing now?

[Scene now stable, showing the sleigh crossing above the Impala while the two Reapers reach down to pull Santa clear, Allred taking the wheel and snapping a u-ey, and the sleigh rocketing out of sight][sonic boom sound]

Chip: Noooo waaaay!  That was totally bitchen!

Stone: Chip! Did Santa just escape?

Chip: (deep inhaling sound)

Stone: Chip? Chip!

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOG…

…and so, after all that heartfelt revelation on my true feelings for Christmas, I wish all of you and yours a truly merry one! (Thanks for the tunes, Frank!)


The SANTA SHAME SPIRAL Continues…Interview With Brown Shugga!

bs

bsH.E.: Good morning!  I have landed an exclusive with a personality not often featured in the stories concerning Santa Claus and the ongoing drama surrounding him.  Today, I am interviewing Lashonda Jefferson, otherwise known as Brown Shugga.  Good morning La… uhm, Ms. Shugga.

B.S.: You can call me, Shugga honey.  Everybody does.

H.E.: I have to ask up front, what got you into this life, and why did you pick a corner in the North Pole?

B.S.: Baby, that’s one hell of a long story involving wayward elves and their love of…well, let’s just say they like them some brown shugga, you know what I’m sayin’ honey?  Anyways, it’s damn cold on up in here if you don’t have nothin’ to keep you warm at night, and that Mrs. Claus, well she’s just plain crazy, you feel me?  One of them elves just decided that Santa needed some good ol’ fashioned TLC if you get my drift, and he dragged my ass up and I’ve been here ever since.  Can’t seem to get nobody to take me back and I can’t say I evah want to leave.

H.E.: Can you relate to the audience how the night of Mr. Claus’ arrest went down?

B.S.: I know that Kris is pissed at Brown Shugga, but I never set nobody up to take no fall!  He was out, ya know lookin’ to score some Shugga *wink* and some coke.  Of course, Shugga always takes care of her clients…especially them ‘high profile’ ones…Some bitch who was lookin’ to take over ma territory and ma man come outta nowhere and offered Kris her stuff!!  Can you imagine?!! Well, I ain’t dealin’ with that bitch and I beat her ass.  She tryin’ to hustle poor Kris into thinkin’ that she…that…that….HO!  Fuckin’ whitey she was…she was a plant, a fuckin’ cop, I know it!  I can smell a pig…anyways, next thing ya know me and Santa Baby in cuffs and bein’ dragged down to the station like common criminals! He was downright mean and nasty after that!  Whew, baby you ain’t seen nobody with a temper like that fucker…

H.E.: I see.  And you were then released with charges dropped in exchange for your information, true?

B.S.: Baby, Brown Shugga ain’t been charged with nothin’ and ain’t gonna be charged with nothin’.  I was simply providin’ a service.  Good ol’ fashioned satisfyin’ the demands of the area, if ya get ma drift.  As for white bitch, she got what was comin’ to her…I got yo information right here, baby! (clutches her crotch) Hehehe..no, really. I gots lots of information and it’s all written down in ma – well, let’s just say Shugga is well protected.

H.E.: I have sources that also maintain that you and a certain D.A. have an ongoing ‘special relationship.’  Can you comment on that?

B.S.: Oh, ya mean…well, we been friends for years.  He and I have an understandin’….he lets me live ma life and I give him some well-deserved R&R if you feel me…he certainly does…hehehe…hey.  You hungry?  You little on the thin side…want some of my tuna salad?  I made it this mornin’ while I was takin’ a break…

H.E.:  Oh… no.  I just do not like tuna, thanks.  Moving on, what is the nature of your relationship to LeMonjello Otis?

B.S.:  Oh, dear LeMon he been tailin’ ma ass for years. He can’t hurt nobody, fucked up little fool.  He talks big and all, but he’s really small in the, ya know, dick department.  Shugga knows how to make him feel more like a man, but fuck, he’s really sm-

H.E.: Are the rumors of you launching a daytime talk show on the Oprah Network true?

B.S.: Oprah?!  Baby, me and Oprah are like THAT (crosses fingers) Sista knows how to talk and Shugga is more than willin’ to let her all the way to Shugga’s bank account….anywho, it’s just talk right now.  We’ll see how things go, ya know with Kris and his problems an’ all…crazy bitch wife ain’t makin’ easy on ‘im though…fucker needs some good lawyerin’ up…

H.E.:  One last question – just how big is Santa’s – er, sleigh?

B.S.: Honey, Shugga don’t kiss an’ tell…but I can say he ain’t no magical elf for nothin’…hehehe…

STAY TUNED FOR OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT OF THE SANTA SHAME SPIRAL WHERE WE SIT DOWN WITH NONE OTHER THAN RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER!

SANTA SPAM ONE

SANTA SPAM TWO

SANTA SPAM THREE

INTERVIEW WITH FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

INTERVIEW WITH LEMONJELLO OTIS


The SANTA SHAME SPIRAL Continues…Interview With Frosty The Snowman

christmas_joy_warms_the_heart_santa_claus_frosty_snowmanThis past year we’ve chronicled the rapid decline and ultimate downfall of a great holiday icon, Santa Claus. From his original sitdown with us in Santa Spam One, to our very revealing interview with Mrs. Claus and right-hand elf Lipshitz in Santa Spam Two, and onto his now infamous drunken tirade in Santa Spam Three.

One can’t help but wonder how a man who rose to greatness could sink so low. Could examining his childhood shine a light onto the troubles that were to come? For those of you looking for answers look no further, because today we visit with a ghost from Santa’s Christmas’ past- his childhood friend and confidante:

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

H.E.: Hello blogworld and gather around. I’m standing out here freezing my soft bits off so that I can bring you an interview with an icon of Christmas, Frosty the Snowman. Frosty how are you today?

F.t.S.: Cold and hard, if you know what I mean.  If you treat me nice, I’ll let you hold my snowballs.  Whatya say?  A little friction could warm you up.  Hmmh?  C’mon!  What, nothin’ but a cold shoulder?  I could get that at home.  Can’t blame a guy for tryin’ though, eh?

H.E.: I’d like to tackle some hard-hitting questions first. You’re well-known for your corncob pipe, button nose and coal-lump eyes. Is this your personal statement about public smoking legislation, child labor in sweatshops, and open-pit mining?

F.t.S.: Nah!  I used to be much better turned-out, but then one day a big Chinook blew through.  Melted me right down to my bare essentials, you know what I’m sayin’?  By the time the runoff subsided, this was all my Eskimo friends could find in the storm drain, to put me back together with.  I went on the Inuit weight-gain diet to regain my Rubenesque look.  I had to eat whale meat and blubber.  If you had to eat nothing but whale meat, you’d blubber too.

H.E.: Hmm, I see. One more – not many people know, but years back you released a record to extend your fan base into summer that you called, “Frosty: the Wetter Side.” Any comment on that album and the rumors that you ripped off William Shatner’s idea?

F.t.S.: I wanted to title that one, “Slip and Slide”.  I think the kids would really have gone for it, but some toy company got all pissy about it.  Like they’re the only ones who ever had a good idea.  Far as I’m concerned they can all starve, but I guess lawyers gotta justify their existence.

Interesting that you should mention Shatner.  We found out later that the big warm blow that almost turned me into a tropical cloud, wasn’t really a Chinook.  It was just Bill comin’ through on a speaking tour.  I know I have a well-rounded….personality, but have you looked at him recently?  I looked up “fat chance” the other day, and there was a picture of him, eh.

H.E.: How have you come to grips with being a seasonal personality?

F.t.S.: It’s not bad.  It’s like being semi-retired.  Work a few months, and then kick back and live off the residuals.  I was thinking of expanding the market and working South America in the off-season.  I’ve already had to learn Inuit and that poutine French they speak in Quebec.  I didn’t think it was worth having to learn Spanish, besides, it’s almost impossible to get a refrigerated flight to Chile.

H.E.: Is there a Mrs. Frosty?

F.t.S.: There might soon be an ex-Mrs. Frosty.  She hasn’t just been Frosty; she’s been down-right frigid for years.  Santa’s been whining about losing Mrs. Claus, but he needs her or some other Harriet Homemaker type, to keep the elves out of trouble.  Polar bears and Arctic seals can take care of themselves.

H.E.: Two generations have seen the claymation TV specials, but in your own words, where the hell do you go between spring and early winter?

F.t.S.: Certainly not to Hell, unless you mean those few times when Hell freezes over.  I migrate north with the caribou.  I used to have a nice place just outside of Nome.  I could see Sarah Palin’s place from my front porch.  It was nice for a while, but now it’s all full of political reporters and comedy writers.  She got drunked-up one day, mistook me for a moose, and almost shot my ass.  Now I go so far up, that the North Pole sticks up my frozen assets.

H.E.: My sources tell me you are building a case to sue Wendy’s over their signature frozen shake name that they sell. Any comment on that?

F.t.S.: Who told you about Wendy??!  First Shatner, now her.  Have you been reading my biography galley?  We’re just friends!  Although she does have a warm heart, and a cold freezer.  The wife and I have been going to an Aleutian marriage counsellor, but if that doesn’t work out, I could move in with Wendy.  I might be a little cabin-fevery after six months in a meat locker, but she promises to make it worth my while.  She’s already been slipping me some of the royalties from my namesake treat.  I’ve been using it to hire a limo-dogsled for the trips north.

H.E.: Any final thoughts for the audience?

F.t.S.: Work hard to be a leader!  If you aren’t the lead dog in the sled-team, the view never changes.  Stay frosty, and like the Eskimos say, “Don’t eat yellow snow!”

Return for our next installment of the SANTA SHAME SPIRAL where we interview his dealer, LeMonjello Otis.

 


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