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Posts tagged “spam

Interview with Santa Claus – Part Two

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Interview With Santa Claus – Part One

I recently had the privilege of sitting down to an interview with a man who’s known world wide; a man whose public persona is larger than life, but whose private world is shrouded in a centuries old mystery. In this three part series we will discuss his career, his home life, his influence and ultimately his legacy. This is by far the most in-depth post I’ve ever done that I believe you’ll find both eye-opening as well as entertaining. Today I sit down with none other than…

SANTA CLAUS

Part one of our interview takes place in Santa’s private quarters at his North Pole command center. Haggard and spent from last night’s epic trip around the world, he nurses what the elves tell me is his “tonic,” prompting me to open questions quickly and dive right into the meat of his story:

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CITIZENS OF BLOGWORLD – I BESEECH YOU

BloggerIdol

My fellow Blogglanders,

I’d like to take a moment to step outside of the humor box and use my blog post today as an opportunity to spread awareness for a cause I truly believe in.

There comes a time in the lives of all bloggers when we find a need to step back and reflect on our journey through the virtual utopia that is Blogworld. Some of us have come here to broaden our horizons and to find inspiration within the photo or travel blogs that pepper the Freshly Pressed page. Many of us find comfort and community amongst the animal lover or mommy blogs of WordPress. Still others use their blog to extract humor from the banality of the workday life and to share their plight with the blog world around them.

But once in a great while there comes a blogger who stands out among the rest- a blogger who effortlessly straddles the line between tragedy and comedy. A blogger who bucks convention with his often times controversial opinions on the validity of religion or the sanctity of marriage or the awesomeness of Star Trek. A blogger who challenges the status quo, strives to enlighten both men and women alike, and who boldly laughs in the face of clowns.

It is this singular blogger who I believe can deliver us all into an era of change and lead us down a path of righteousness and light. That is why I, Hellis of Bloggerland, am asking its citizens for their support and their vote for EDWARD HOTSPUR as champion of the BLOGGER IDOL contest.

“Amongst the weeds of the world, a flower grows…”

CAST YOUR VOTE FOR EDWARD HOTSPUR HERE:


F*cked Up Fairy Tales

F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES is a compilation project for bloggers who wish to take up the challenge of writing their own spin on a classic fairy tale. Bloggers are invited to choose one of the tales below and leave their choice in the comments. Only one tale per blogger, please. I will update the list as soon as the choices roll in. Tales are assigned on a first come, first choose basis.

Each tale is to be no more than 5000 words in length, and can be as funny, sick, twisted, erotic or vanilla as you wish. Once your tale is finished feel free to email it back to me where I will run it in a feature post as well add it to the page above. When all the tales are complete, I will work with a publishing company who is volunteering to publish the compilation of works in both ebook and paperback formats. All proceeds from the compiled works will be donated to a participating charity, with sales records made available to contributors annually.

UPDATE – ALL TALES ARE ASSIGNED. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PARTICIPATE AND HAVE NOT RECEIVED A TALE, LEAVE AN IDEA IN THE COMMENTS AND I’LL ADD IT TO THE LIST.


Happy Blogiversary To Me!

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TODAY IS THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF MY BLOG! TO COMMEMORATE THIS AUSPICIOUS OCCASION I HAVE DECIDED TO RERUN MY VERY FIRST BLOG POST.

PLEASE TO ENJOY…

So yeah, I wrote a book.

I must have been high when I wrote it because there’s no other explanation I can give for my 120,000 word upper YA novel where the only noun I used more than “boner” was “blood.” It goes without saying that I’m self-published. I didn’t even try to submit it traditionally. Can you just imagine the poor agent who gets my query letter?

“My novel, THE GODS OF ASPHALT is complete at 120,000 words and is the first in a series of five books that for some reason I’ve decided to write out-of-order. Each one is told from the point of view of a teenage male protagonist who has exactly zero supernatural powers (unless you consider perpetual erections a superpower). Oh, and it also has Spanish subtitles.”

Yeah.

On the good side, if you’re like me and are just a little too into music, motorcycles and all around badassery this is the book for you. If you’re not, I’m sure Jodi Picoult’s got a blog somewhere. You can find the opening to chapter one at the top of the page under the tab GOA REVIEWS and you can find my book on line at:

SMASHWORDS

AMAZON


Love Letters Gone Wrong – Twenty-One

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It’s time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

This week’s love letter one wrong was written by a blogger who commented on the TOP TEN SPaM post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.

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Maybe it was your name, and how Heellis reminded me of the high heels I fantasized you wearing, or maybe it was the way you smelled as you walked past me, not seeing me hiding behind the flower pot. Whatever it was, I am in love and I want you, even for a minute. I have this ring that it stole from my dead grandmother and I want you to have it, I want you to wear it, forever.

I know you love another, but that can change, anything can change if we want it to. Forget him, I am better, stronger, faster. I am the Bionic man, I am Superman, I am Spider man, I can be your hero if you let me.

As I sit in front of my computer, looking at porn, I think of you and I think of us, and how wonderful it would be if you said yes to a date. Just a date you say, but for me it would be the world. So what if I am 53 and never had a date. I watch movies, I know how to act, even if they don’t believe me. They who work here, and watch me and give me the medications it takes to help me deal with my insanity.

For you I would do anything. For you I would trade this straight jacket for a tuxedo and sweep you off your heels and …I love heels…I am getting sidetracked again, it is like that when the voices in your head talk constantly now where was I? Sweep you off your feet and into my arms.

So what do you say? Do you want to date? Let me know, or better still, let the guards in my cell know that you want to date.

Yours truly,

Sam


Sidecar SPaM

*** I AM STILL BEING HELD CAPTIVE BY NINJAS- SO THIS WEEK’S SPAM IS A REBLOG OF OUR GOOD FRIEND AND PLAYER RONNIE FROM THE LIBRA CHRONICLES ***

Take one part modern-day bachelor, two parts savvy player, add a splash of Cointreau and you get THE LIBRA CHRONICLES; an unapologetic blog that asks the question, “Can a blog really make it when the writer does not try to make a blog that targets special key words, certain audiences, weight loss or fitness or celebrities or some certain NICHE?”

I didn’t know the answer to that question when I first stumbled onto Ronnie Libra’s blog, but all it took was one look at his tag cloud filled with words like SEDUCTION, KEY WEST and POLYSOMNOGRAPHY to know that I wouldn’t be bored finding out.

*** So Ronnie, you describe your blog in your WHAT IS ALL THIS INSOLENCE page as an “experiment” in finding your target audience without the use of buzz words. Has your experiment revealed the results of who your target audience is?

I bet, like my mind, my target will be “Kid in a Candy Shop.”  Or more appropriately, “Ronnie in a Bar.”  So many flavors, why just settle for the same one all the time?  

*** In your page THE SEDUCTION CHRONICLES you include stories that you describe as including the “rawness and reality” of seduction. What motivated you to include these stories?

Hundreds of posts on private seduction forums.  People who’ve read them always tell me they are very inspirational, so I figured, what the fuck…. I may as well share them with more people.  If I can reach out to that one person who get’s inspired then kick ass!  I have done my duty. 

*** In addition to dating advice you have posts that focus on philosophy and inspiration. What has inspired you recently that you’d like readers to take away from your blog?

Momentum…  Keep doing what you love… Make it happen.  Fuck failure and fuck the outcome.  Go for it anyway.  Even if you are failing, keep going because the more steps you take towards your goals the better your momentum will be to take those steps. Be cool with failing, dammit. ;)  Penicillin was a mistake. OOOOHhhhh and some kick ass music, Music is my life.  I recharge off of it.  I have a giant history in my mind of music I love and I feel that, most of my life, every day can have a theme song.   

*** Many of your posts include sometimes graphic descriptions of many of your sexual escapades. Do you find it difficult to share these experiences with your readers? And what do you hope you can pass on in the way of knowledge?

Not difficult at all.  If you read the book, “My Secret Garden” by Nancy Friday, which is a book on REAL women’s fantasies, my reports become rated PG.  ;)  I’m trying to convey the process of Seduction with my writing.  Later, I may delve more into the actual sexuality and passion as well, I’m sure I will.

Here’s what I want.  I want people to be cool with seduction.  It’s not some taboo shit.  It’s everyday reality.  It’s happening all around us.  The girl that I just looked at, while thinking, that made eye contact and looked away.  It’s natural.

I want that guy or that girl who sees that sexy motherfucker they want to meet to go do it.  Go meet that person!

*** What would you like men to take away from your blog?

I haven’t really thought about this.  Maybe inspiration.  Maybe to get a little mad or inspired inside and say, “If this asshole can do this so can I!” ;)

*** What would you like women to take away from your blog?

Women readers seem to be the main readers so far in my blog.  I would almost want to ask them, “What do you hope to find here?  or Why are you coming back? or even, “Let’s say my blog was your dirty little secret that no one would ever find out about.  What would you want it to be like?”

*** What can we expect from THE LIBRA CHRONICLES in the future?

Utter Sexy Randomness.  Chocolate, Vanilla, Strawberry and sometimes Chicken Fried Rice.  Ya, it doesn’t have to make sense.  And music.  Lots and lots of music.

Follow Ronnie at THE LIBRA CHRONICLES

Have a blog, book or music to promote? Contact me for your own feature on SPaM at heellisgoa@gmail.com


Sawyer SPaM

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This seems really odd to say, but today is the birthday I assigned the character of Sawyer in my novel, The Gods of Asphalt. His birthday features prominently in the book so I thought I’d answer some questions I’ve been asked over the past year about his character.

1. Why did you pick April 30th for his birthday?

I knew from the beginning he would wreck a motorcycle on his birthday so I needed it to take place during warm weather– but before his high school graduation. Research revealed that Nebraska high schools let out the first weekend in May so there was my time crunch. I wanted the added insult of him screwing up his life the instant it became his to own. Besides, Sawyer shares his birthday with someone pretty awesome.

2. Why did you pick Sawyer for his name?

Sawyer is sort of a default name. In my real life there is a real River, although he is nothing like the River character (I based the River character on someone elses life entirely). I always knew that I would name the character of the blonde older brother River, so I had to think of a name that was in the same vein for the younger brother. Thus Sawyer was born, and not Steve.

3. Why is Sawyer so tall?

Sawyer is tall because it allows him to be good at basketball. Sawyer needed a way out of his father’s life so I gave him basketball because it offers scholarships as well as being the perfect sport for a kid who lives on the road. Football requires gear, baseball requires a team, track requires good weather but basketball can be played anywhere, anytime with anyone. All you need is a ball.

4. Why do you describe Sawyer looking the way you do?

My kids helped with this one. My son Junior HATES being called pretty when compared to his good-looking, blonde older brother Prince Charming. I described Sawyer to my daughter and she instantly pulled up a television show called BIG TIME RUSH and said, “I think you are describing this guy.” In that moment James Maslow became my vision for Sawyer. I even wrote a little snippet in my book for him. I’m my daughter’s hero for that.

5. Why is Sawyer’s jersey number 13?

Because number 13 belongs to Steve Nash, my all time favorite basketball player.

6. How come Sawyer can sing?

Because I can’t. No, seriously; basketball was what Sawyer was good at, but music was what he loved and what his mother robbed him of.

7. Does Sawyer ever get Sarah?

Hehehehe…..


It’s SPaM…The Sequel!

*** YUP, I’M STILL WRITING. HERE’S A REPLAY OF MY IDIOT FRIEND AND UBER SIDEKICK JEB’S SPAM POST. HE’S BEEN AWAY FROM BLOGGING DUE TO SOME PRETTY AWESOME HAPPENINGS IN HIS LIFE WHICH I WILL BE FILLING YOU IN ON SOON ***

It’s time for another helping of SPaM (Shameless Promotion Mondays)

For today’s SPaM post I’m featuring someone I know personally. Someone larger than life both in appearance and personality. Someone who’s been like an obnoxious little brother, following me around making my life a living HELL. But I got him back by basing a character in my book on him. Then I threatened him with bodily harm if he didn’t make a companion blog to mine. And on that note I give you…

JEB

ME:  So when did you first realize you were a loser?

JEB:  When did we meet?

ME:  Are you telling me you can’t remember?

JEB:  I’m saying repressed memories fucking suck.

ME:  Alright, moving on. You’re in your senior year of college. What are your plans for the future?

JEB: Plans for the future? I don’t plan for the future. 2012 is right around the corner. I plan on getting 3 stars on this level of Angry Birds but that’s about as far ahead as I’m planning.

ME:  2012? Oh that’s right. You’re one of those SciFi loving, Firefly watching, half-virgins aren’t you?

JEB:  I’m not a geek. You just wrote me that way.  And Firefly is awesome.

ME:  Denial is not an attractive quality, Jeb.

JEB:  I deny being not attractive. Just ask Megan. Hi!

ME:  Calm your hormones and focus.

JEB:  You ask the impossible.

ME:  I begged you for almost a year to get a blog. What finally changed your mind?

JEB:  I discovered there was stuff out there other than porn. And you scare the shit out of me.

ME:  Being scared of females explains a lot about your love life.

JEB:  I’m not scared of females, I’m scared of YOU. So much rage inside such a small person. As far as females go I have no problem with them, as long as they can cook. If you’ve got time to paint your toenails, you’ve got time to make me a fucking pot pie.

ME:  So tell me again, who’s your girlfriend now?

JEB:  I’m in between social relations right now. I don’t like to be tied down. Well, wait…

ME:  You were a really good sport about letting me base a character in my book on you–

JEB:  That’s only because you promised it would get me laid.

ME:  So how’s that working out?

JEB:  Great for River. Me, not so great. Again, in between social relations.

ME:  How does it feel to be cockblocked by a fictional character?

JEB:  Kind of like losing an election to a dead guy.

ME:  Now that you have a blog, where do you intend to take it?

JEB:  Everywhere, I guess.

ME:  What is the one thing you’d like the blogging world to know about Jeb?

JEB:  That you got “Broomstick” from me (it’s in the book). Everybody needs something to laugh at, so it might as well be me. Also if they’ve got a sister, email me at—

ME:  And that’s enough for today. You can follow my buddy at JustJeb.

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If you or someone you know has something to promote, like a blog or book or music; just email me at heellisgoa@gmail.com. DO NOT PUT “SPAM” IN THE SUBJECT BAR.


It’s…SPaM!!! (Redux)

Seeing as I am neck deep in various writing projects, I’ve decided to start reblogging SPaM posts every other Monday. So take it away Edward Hotspur!

 

WELCOME TO…SPaM! (Shameless Promotion Monday)

I decided to take my fear of belief in Karma and offer my blog post on Mondays to someone who wants to be heard; be it writer, artist, musician, blogger, what have you. I hope to do this every Monday so if you or anyone you know is interested then shoot me an email at: heellisgoa@gmail.com

First up is blogger extraordinaire….EDWARD HOTSPUR!

I’m not exactly sure when I first stumbled onto Edward’s blog, but I’m glad I did. He’s like that guy you see in movies everywhere that you don’t know the name of but it doesn’t stop you from pointing at the screen and shouting, “Hey! It’s that guy!” As time goes on you notice him more and more and then once he makes it big you shout to everyone how you knew he’d make it all along. Well, today I’m shouting…

EDWARD HOTSPUR!

Whether it’s taking a virtual car ride alongside him to work or listening to his Zagnut packed tales of Granite Countertop–Private Investigator; every moment spent on the Hotspur blog is an online wet dream dripping in awesome sauce. Now let’s hear from the man himself.

So Edward…what prompted you to create such an awesome blog?

There was this flashing thing which I believe is called a ‘cursor’, and it seemed to want me to do something. Actually, I think of random stuff all the time and wanted to incorporate this weird but good stuff in something, like the first guy who ate lobster.  The digital voice recorder helped with that. For me, this blog is like my Twitter, except instead of having 160 characters I have 5000+ words. Also, I must be honest – I chopped down the cherry tr – no, wait, what I meant to say was I hoped to make money at it.

How did you come up with the character “Granite Countertop?”

I actually came up with it, or him, right on the spot, and the process of that appears in Scenes From A Morning Drive 15.  Behind the scenes (see what I did there?), there was one more part of the process, and that is that I was really sick, and on some cold medication. The meds really took the filter off – yes, imagine me with no filter – and I just went with it. A part of me wants to never get better so I can keep writing all the things! But the part of me that is sore and tired of being sick knows that this happy place can’t last forever. I’ll have to find another one.

I know I’d love to see Granite Countertop published somehow. Is this something you’re considering or is he just for fun?

Granite Countertop practically writes itself, plus it’s really easy to clean. I just put a pen to some paper, and come back and things have been written down for me. It was just for fun, but some people seemed to like it/him. If there’s any way to make a little money at something that is really fun, I don’t see why I wouldn’t publish something, if I can figure out how. Some of you might think I’m a little obsessed with money, but I’m not. I’m obsessed with bling, and you need money for that. No, seriously, I have found that if I plan things out, really think about what I’m writing and outline where I want a blog post, flash fiction story or some other piece to go, it kind of sucks. Whereas if I just sit down and start writing, it sucks a little less. So you can see, doing less work results in a slightly less bad product. That’s efficiency, baby!

Name the three things you’re most known for:

Aside from inventing the wheel, I am known for a sarcastic dry sense of humor, an enormously huge penchant for the absurd, and a tendency to end a sentence with a word that you don’t avocado.

Name the three things most people don’t know about you:

Most people don’t know that I’m older than I look, that I’m very romantic, or that I’ve got this blog. Sigh.

If someone made a movie of your life, who’d play you?

A robot of me would play me. It’s the only way to properly capture all the nuances and shadows of my personage.

What more can we expect from Edward Hotspur in the future?

I plan on finishing the novel I have started, which I estimate to be about 1/3 finished, and trying to shop that around, however that is done. I also plan on recording two songs with a friend of mine, and possibly shooting a video for one of them. I also have written several short stories and the first 4-5 episodes of a serial (other than Granite Countertop). I’ve written about 20 songs for a J-rock visual kei opera based on Shinto mythology set in modern times. I’ve got to say, though, the immediate satisfaction of writing, publishing and getting feedback from a blog post is pretty hard to beat, so many, many more posts will be coming in the future. I might do one of those user-generated content sites.

Plus, there’s that secret project I’m working on, that I will reveal to everyone in, say, a few weeks? Or however long it takes me to do it.

You can follow Edward’s blog HERE

He also has merchandise for sale HERE

I can tell you this is one fan that’ll be rockin’ a Hotspur tee shortly. Be warned, they’re only for the truly “awesome.” No posers or Yankees fans allowed (well, maybe Yankees fans. But you pay extra).

 


Hawaiian SPaM

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Break out the Sex Wax and Longboards because today’s featured SPaM is blogworld’s own personal Moondoggie. When he’s not waxing poetic about Harry Potter in Limerick form he’s listening to music or hanging ten down in NYC.

Make way for the very handsome…EL GUAPO!!!!

 

The interview was conducted with me wearing this shirt. And nothing else.

Interview’s Music: Ravel’s Bolero…

 

**** 1. Where does your love of music come from?

 

IrishPaul, Other Paul, Big Mike.

Irish Paul knows the entire discographies of some of the most obscure bands on earth.

OtherPaul listens to a lot of techno and industrial, that isn’t really my thing, but there are some gems in there.

Big Mike is an encyclopedia of classic and Southern rock.

Once went to a concert with Big Mike and IrishPaul. They got into a conversation that was like sitting in on a master class of music appreciation.

Because of them, I got to appreciate a lot of stuff you won’t hear on classic rock stations.

And now there is very little I won’t listen to.

As an aside – if you’re going to travel to see a show with IrishPaul, budget twice the drinking money you though t you needed, and at least one extra recovery day.

 
**** 2. Name four songs that you’d include in a soundtrack of your life.

This song is next to impossible to answer. The songs change from moment to moment.

But I would include

Eric Clapton: Layla – It’s the primal scream of rock n roll

They Might Be Giants: Birdhouse in your soul. It’s the song for me and my girl.

John Coltrane: Favorite Things. If this doesn’t move you, you’re already dead.

Jimmy Buffett:: Landfall. It’s a great song, and has the line “If I had it all to do over again/I’d just get myself drunk and I’d jump right back in.

But seriously, as soon as I hit send, the answers will change.

 
**** 3. Does living in NYC affect your surfing?

 
The best part of being a surfer with a board living in NYC is the conversations I’ve struck up at 7am with passersby when I’m trapping the board to the roof.

And driving through neighborhoods where no one has ever heard of surfing with a board strapped to my car.

 
**** 4. Which one of your “toys” is your favorite and why?

 

My Takamine Jasmine acoustic cutaway guitar.

I was telling my girl (the most wonderful girl in the universe) that I would love a cutaway, but couldn’t justify spending the money on it.

So she went out and bought me one. And the sound of it with light strings is perfect!

 
**** 5. Best and worst concert ever.

 
Worst is easy. The only concert I ever walked out on was Damien Rice.

He told great stories between the songs, but the songs were too depressing.

Then he starts singing about his Eskimo friend.

And 3000 hipster yuppies start holding up their lighters and chanting.

My girl and I looked at each other, then ran out before we exploded with laughter.

Pretty sure we’d have been lynched if we did it in our seats…

 

This is kind of a cop-out, but best concert is any of them when the act is into what they’re doing, and brings the crowd along.

As opposed to Blues Traveller, who were really into what they were doing, which was mostly jerking each other off.

 

An example of a fun show – Hootie and The Blowfish, years ago in a 500 person SRO room. during the world series. They’re a great pop-rock bar band.

Every so often one of them would wander offstage, and come back with a bottle of  SoCo to share with the band, and the updated score. I think if no one showed up for that gig, they’d have played anyway and had just as good a time.

 
**** 6. Dead musician you’d resurrect.

Toss up between Miles Davis and Jimi Hendrix.

If they played together, I would commit Class A felonies to get a ticket to that.

 

But since I’m just resurrecting willy-nilly, throw Mel Blanc in there too.

What? He sang “Barber of Seville” as Elmer Fudd. That’s gotta be worth something.

 
**** 7. How long does it take for you to come up with your limericks?

 

There’s no rhyme or reason to the limericks.

The first one was for The Fountainhead, in response to a conversation on twitter. That just appeared, whole.

The one for your book (http://guapola.wordpress.com/2011/12/28/a-literary-limerick-gods-of-asphalt/) was hard, because I wanted it to actually work.

Fortunately, I don’t use vast parts of my brain, so once I figure out what it should say, I just let it stew around in the mental abscesses  until something fits.

(I can’t believe you want to know about the limericks)

 
**** 8. You mention activities like skydiving, hangliding and scuba diving. Is there anything you won’t do?

 
Ice Climbing. Seriously, those guys are way off the crazy scale.

In a bad way.

 
**** 9. Where do you come up with the idea for Friday Foolishness?

 

The first poll I ever did was titled “A Poll For Y’Oll”. (http://guapola.wordpress.com/2011/10/28/), which (believe it or not) was not the most inane poll ever.

In the post, I said I thought it might be fun to have a theme, and call it Friday Foolishness.

The comments (both of them) were very supportive.
But how I come up with each poll? I swear to you, I have no idea.

Usually, if there’s something going on in the world, I’ll say to my girl, hey, how about this.

Then I’ll just bounce ideas off her until I get the right expression of appalled. That’s when I know I’ve hit my mark.

 

About the foolishness, I’ve gotten a few comments that people look forward to them, but the best was one on a Friday at 7 am, before the post went up, from Kayjai that said

“Uh, hello?? It’s Friday??? Have you forgotten the foolishness?? *sigh* Okay…I’ll wait………………………………………………………………………………..”

One of the best comments ever.

 
**** 10. Every music lovin’ surfer needs an epic automobile. Your dream car is….?

 

1964 ½ flat black convertible standard transmission Mustang.

Sorry, was I supposed to think about that for a minute?

Oh, and I’d upgrade the stereo from stock.

 

For more fun in the sun follow EL GUAPO

For your own featured SPaM contact me at heellisgoa@gmail.com


XXX SPaM

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Draw the curtains and kick the kiddos out of the room because today’s SPaM has gone blue. Our featured blogger is the illustrious R.B. Hatch, author of  HAREM’S MASTER; a thrilling novel about love and loss and sex. Lots and lots of sex. Now let’s get down to business.

**** 1. What was your inspiration for Harem’s Master?

My health. When I became physically unable to work my wife took on the responsibility of earning our living. Being an older woman at a time when younger people were being laid off from their jobs, all she could find was low paying, part time work. Getting a book published was the only way I could think off to help her.

**** 2. Why erotica?

The first answer to pop into my mind; did Hugh Heffner go broke peddling sex? Another answer that occurs to me is, why not? The physical might not be up to much anymore, and the flame of passion may not burn as bright as in days of yore, but the interest is still interested.

**** 3. Tell us about your sequel to Harem’s Master.

That would be Harem Master: The Price of Victory; the second in the Harem Master trilogy. Would it surprise you to learn that the hero still gets laid a lot? Other than that, John’s war against crime goes global, but TerraCop has a rotten branch way up near the top of the tree where lives only comrades and friends of many years standing. At that level, the only answer to treason is death. John’s investigations reveal the traitor and he arranges the man’s execution. Then, sorely wounded in mind and spirit, John goes away by himself to pout in peace for a while. Returning to Xanadu, TerraCop’s headquarters, John is critically injured in a plane crash. Barely recovered from his injuries John collects another lady in his harem. Against advise, common sense, and the pleas of his ladies, John accompanies Fox Force and his ladies in what should be the decisive battle of his war. He is very nearly killed and one of ladies dies.

**** 4. Tell us about your futuristic fiction collection and how it ties in with Harem’s Master.

The Stanning Years is a four book series, as of now. The first book, Homesteading, starts on Earth about three hundred years after the events in Harem Master: Armageddon. Young and claustrophobic, Colyn Stanning is desperate to escape from the overcrowded domed city which contains all life left on Earth. While applying for emigration he meets a young lady, Dyanne, with whom he promptly falls in love. Two rugged weeks later they’re married and setting out on the sixty day voyage to the small Terran colony on Capella. Colyn begins to show what he’s made of when he saves the life of another passenger enroute to their new home, and once there, it soon becomes apparent that both he and Dyanne are a cut and a half above the normal run of humanity. Basically, Homesteading brings their abnormalities to the fore and introduces the people who are to be instrumental in their lives.

The Stanning Years: Haying Season, concerns mankind’s first documented contact with an alien species and Colyn and Dyanne’s involuntary involvement.

The Stanning Years: Independence, describes Capella’s first election on achieving independence and the Stanning’s fight against Othar Torrschied, a career criminal with galactic dictatorship on his mind.

The Stanning Years: Conflict. Colyn should have shot Torrschied instead of just exiling him. It’s twenty years later, Torrschied has accumulated a vast force of people with the same high morals as himself and is out to take the Terran Federation by force. This time there is heartbreak in the Stanning’s victory.

**** 5. You state that you used to be a trucker. Did all that alone road time help or hurt your ability to write your book?

It probably helped somewhat. I was more into poetry at that time, what we called poetry back in the dark ages anyway. You know, the stuff that rhymes; about trucks of course. I thought some of it was pretty good and tried peddling it. It didn’t peddle, and I am NOT a peddler. But I think it helped me get through being too shy to put my stuff out there for public scrutiny.

**** 6. Did you always want to be a writer?

Not really. I’ve always enjoyed playing with the written word, but it’s only the last twenty years that I gave any serious thought at all to getting something published.

**** 7. How do you explain your novel’s content to family? Do they admire or admonish you for it?

I don’t. They can like it or live with it. My wife read it through once, said “you can do better than that”, and won’t discuss it. My granddaughter said “grandpas aren’t supposed to think like that”. She’s plenty old enough to know how she got here, but maybe she thinks kids have the corner on being horny.

**** 8. Most of my favorite bloggers are from Canada. What the hell is with you Canadians and your penchant for naughtiness?

Hey! We have to have to have something to do on those long dark winter nights, and short light summer nights, and… Ahem! Keeping active helps keep the igloo warm.

Visit Amazon to purchase HAREM’S MASTER

For more thrilling erotica follow HAREM’S MASTER

Next week’s SPaM features the handsome one known as EL GUAPO

For your own SPaM contact me at heellisgoa@gmail.com


Set-Up SPaM

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This week’s featured SPaM blogger needs our help, people. Despite the fact that this woman is bright, witty, charming and amazing, she consistently attracts weirdos to date. First there was the IT guy with the man boobs, followed by Mr. “hung like a baby carrot,” the dude with the job complex and the magician with the disappearing act.

I mean, how could you not love a woman who describes herself and her blog like this: “I don’t want to give too much of myself away because some of the things I post are pretty raw (i.e: messed up! LOL) and I am not sure I’m ready for my workmates or friends to know some of this stuff. Funny how it’s OK to let total strangers know tho? Hmm.. Oh well ..)”

In the interest of match-making I’ve decided to include a few questions I found on an online dating site. Help me as I hook-up…LIFEINTHEFARCELANE

**** 1. Do you believe in love at first sight?

I believe in attraction or appeal at first sight but not love. In my experience love takes time..

And alcohol.
And maybe money.
A mansion and a limo doesn’t hurt either.

**** 2. Do you believe a cup is half empty or half full?

You’ve seen my dating disaster posts right?
Go figure the glass is half empty..
Often..

But in all seriousness, I’m a fairly positive person without being too polly-anna-ish. I think basically I’m too lazy to be depressed and negative all the time, cos I am sure it takes a bit of effort.

**** 3. If you could travel back through time, what single mistake would you correct in life?

So I’ve given this one a bit of thought. There are a few things I’ve done that now I look back and go “dear lord woman, what were you thinking?” When clearly the only accurate answer is “I wasn’t.”

But – without wishing to sound overly corny – I’d have to say I would change none.

The way I see it, each mistake / experience adds up to the sum of me. (So who knows how much more messed up I might seem, if we changed just one thing!?)

Besides, I’ve kinda grown used to me over the years – now I just have to find some hapless soul who can also handle it ;)

**** 4. Is sexual compatibility important to you?

It’s like air. You know how good it is, but perhaps don’t quite appreciate it – til it’s not readily available to you. I guess that’s a yes ;)

From my experience, satisfying sex is one of the key elements to a successful long term relationship.

**** 5. Which was the first crush you ever had?

Er, does that girlish fantasy (ok fantasies, plural .. my bad) about George Michael count .. ?

Look how well that turned out for us both .. !

**** 6. Are you a morning person or a night person?

I can be either but my fave time of day is morning. I like to get out of bed around 4am, make myself very strong coffee and wake up slowly before the world intrudes. There’s something quite soothing about watching the city wake up in front of you. So long as there is coffee on hand, that is!

**** 7. What adjective would a close friend use to describe you?

Ok so in the interests of being thorough, I texted my 2 best friends and asked them.
Clearly, I need new (nicer) friends ..

Any takers?
Fine..

One said “Funny”. The other said “Crazy”.
Like I said, new friends needed .. $#@!

**** 8. If you have friends coming over, what would you cook?

Oh now we’re talking. I love to cook!

Starter: Crusty sour dough bread, charred slightly then rubbed with garlic, topped with seasoned diced tomatoes, scattered with basil leaves and a drizzle (read: slosh!) of extra virgin olive oil.

Main: Beef Wellington. Served with roasted vegetables (potatoes, kumara, squash, baby beetroot, baby carrots, parsnips, red onions) all served drizzled with a gorgeously rich red wine / brown onion gravy.  Fussy buggers (aka vegetarians) could have the veges cos I’d do them in oil and I’d make a nut loaf.

Dessert: Simplicity itself – Pavlova with whipped cream and kiwifruit on top.

Afters:  Fresh espresso & small shot glasses filled with Drambuie.

**** 9. Describe your perfect holiday.

This is a hard one!

I was going to say “there’s no such thing as a bad holiday” but then I recalled a two week stay at the in-laws some 17 years ago.. *shivers*

If I needed a relaxing holiday, I’d grab a man and head to a child-free beach resort somewhere like the Dominican Republic. Lying in the sun beside the pool with cocktails being regularly served (between naps, shags and buffet meals) heavenly.

Touring holidays are great too tho. Fly into France or Northern Italy to then eat my way thru it, region by region, stopping wherever I want to, when I want to. You’d want to allow 2 months to do justice to this one!

**** 10. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Hmm another hard one.

I love where I live now but could also live in Italy, France, Canada or some parts of the USA happily.

**** 11. What is the one thing about yourself that you would like me to know?

I am pretty sure I have no secrets to anyone who’s read my blog but I’d want you to know if you changed all my answers above so they make me sound like a crazy lady then .. meh.. no need. I did that all by myself, right?

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

For more lessons on life and love follow LIFEINTHEFARCELANE

Next week is another Mystery SPaM!

For your own SPaM contact me at heellisgoa@gmail.com


Skinny SPaM

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One of the things I love best about SPaM is helping writers promote their books. This week’s featured work, SKINNY WHITE WOMAN is “a self-reflective memoir about what it means to follow a modern-day spiritual path, Skinny White Woman is a raw and unrefined look at the human journey to find the spirit within.”

Welcome to SPaM author and teacher Stasia Minkowsky.

**** 1. Give us a brief over view of your book, SKINNY WHITE WOMAN.

Skinny White Woman is an unconventional look at following a modern-day spiritual path. It tracks five-plus years of my life…. from my days using drugs and alcohol to my vulnerabilities in early sobriety and following the Native American spiritual path on the ‘Rez to eventually learning how to hold sacred space for others who are seeking their own spiritual journey. What you will not find? Perfect spiritual teachers, a perfect spiritual path nor me getting married and living happily ever after. Unlike many current books about spirituality, I wanted to give a more realistic view on how challenging changing one’s entire life can be. And challenging for reasons one might not think of… for instance, it was more challenging to deal with my own cravings for cigarettes, men, drugs and alcohol than it was for me to be buried in a hole for two days, starving and fasting. My biggest obstacle was frequently my own mind and negative, obsessive compulsive thoughts. I wanted to shine a light on this to help people not feel so alone in their journey.

**** 2. How has your personal experiences influenced your writing?

Since this book is a memoir, every relevant personal experience during this period of time in my life is in there. When I first started this journey, I looked for spiritual books to inspire me but had a difficult time finding any that I could relate to. Many books discussed giving up drugs and alcohol and I thought, “How the hell did they do that so effortlessly?” I started drinking very young and had been checking out for years. To give up my one coping mechanism in order to find something greater sounded ridiculous. Also, I was disillusioned by the idea of these perfect spiritual teachers that I never seemed to meet. Where was my Mr. Miyagi?

**** 3. What was your greatest challenge in writing this book?

Obviously, low finances and living off credit cards to write and support myself was a challenge. But the greatest? Probably writing about some of the most personal things in my life and knowing that someday, I would be making those emotional highs and lows available to the public. Likewise, it was also difficult to live in the present while spending so much time writing about the past. It took me about six years to live this book and six years to write it and get it published.

**** 4. What was the greatest reward?

The greatest reward, thus far, has been listening to the feedback from readers who say that the book has touched their lives and made them think about their life differently. I have really enjoyed listening to all age groups… from the teenagers who say that they can relate to the forty-plus age range who can also relate. I have also loved how the book has crossed gender boundaries. Even though the book is told from a woman’s perspective, my male readers have been surprised by how well they can identify to this very human story.

**** 5. What would you most like people to know about Stasia, the woman?

I am just like everyone else. I showed up on this planet to have the full Earth experience. I never expected it to be so freakin’ challenging. I never expected to be in recovery for drugs and alcohol. I never expected NOT to have my shit together by age 30 (and now I am soon to be 37… ha ha). But, I also never expected to meet so many amazing and loving people who realize that we are all on this human journey together.

**** 6. Do you have other books in the works?

Currently, I am doing what I have always done… keeping journals. This is how I put together Skinny White Woman. There have been years of journals since the ending of this book. Maybe material for a follow-up?

**** 7. What do you hope people will take away from your book?

Inspiration, laughter at the absurdity of it all and the courage to believe in their own journey.

**** 8. Where can people find your book for purchase?

www.skinnywhitewoman.com

For more enlightenment follow SKINNYWHITEWOMAN

Next week’s SPaM features the lovable LIFEINTHEFARCELANE

For your own feature SPaM contact me at heellisgoa@gmail.com


Shawarma SPaM

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This week’s SPaM features a blogger who brings new meaning to the phrase, “It’s a small world.” He describes himself as, “a 19 year old Civil Engineering student at …..a random college in THE most crowded subcontinent on the planet. I grew up in the Middle East around shawarma and KFC with massive portions. Naturally I have a thing for food.”

In addition to his appetite for food this Indian boy wonder is a prolific blogger, reader and ranter. Just don’t ask him for a ride. Welcome to SPaM our very own…RANTONIT.

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**** 1.What is an Indian Mechanism?

Contrary to popular belief, Indians are not inherently nuts. (Completely irrevocably nuts). No, they arrive at that end result as a result of being tagged Indian. I mean, that and reading self help books which tell you to be different.

Let me explain. Every day the whole country gets up and asks this question: How on earth do you distinguish yourself between 1.2 billion people? Quite hard you’d assume.

So with everyone trying to be different and everyone having quite the same DNA (I swear India got started with two people with the libidos of rabbits (which clearly has been passed down the ages = 1.2 billion)) results in, wouldn’t you believe it, exactly the same twat-like behavior.

Thus what you call Indian Mechanisms, mostly literally, how we operate.

**** 2.What inspired you to pursue an education in Civil Engineering?

How I got around to civil engineering eh? Well, it started in 3rd grade when I wanted, more than anything in the world to be a pilot. That then changed to being an aeronautical engineer (oh yeah), then I wanted to become a computer science engineer (see a pattern?) and hence in 11th grade I took comp sci. in school which involved C++ and in no time I decided I wanted to be an Architect which, now that I think about it, is where I should have stopped. Then I wanted to do mech. Engineering and finally got civil. So there, the lifecycle till 19, of an average Indian.

**** 3. What inspired your latest hair, er…lack of hair style?

Dandruff problem was the official line because it was brilliant. Really, Indians all over are happy if they’ve judged you just a little each day, even if it was over you having had dandruff (an apparent failing on your part). That and a Dandruff problem’ was a two word answer I could shout out to passing people who asked me the question, or even to those open palms lifted in the same question. Really, that happened a lot.

However, I had an actual reason; the hair meant a lot and cutting it, even more so. It is something I’d make a post of, but in plain simple words, I shaved my head everyday because, hey, I looked so damn good that way ……and it was there to remind me that I frankly don’t give a rats ass about people judging me. ALSO to remind me to stay in the present, firmly. Not to get happy about things that might or might not happen in the future because that’s a lesson that seems to rush me by how many ever times I have it stapled onto my forehead. So there’s an honest answer.

**** 4. Tell us about the notorious drivers in India.

Well, let’s put it this way, I wasn’t born with un-descended testicles and seeing as I haven’t been driving in India for a month or so now, I’m expecting them down any day now.

**** 5. What is the biggest misconception people have about India?

I wouldn’t know, see. I grew up in the Middle East, in Muscat. Been there since age 6 and all of a sudden, in March of 2010, I find myself in India. How do you think I liked that? Blew my mind completely. Honestly, I’m not the Indian to be asking this question, growing up in the Middle East and being Indian, I had a very mixed up bunch of views on India. Bollywood movies weren’t the most reliable yardsticks either as I have painfully learned. But one thing I can tell you, if you’re here for anything other than a holiday and maybe even in that case, it is not a mystical nice place with friendly wisdom-ous people. It will almost kill you and as the Joker said, “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”

**** 6. Many of your blog posts focus on your love of food. What is your favorite traditional Indian dish and your favorite international dish?

Erm, favorite food? U mad bro? Do you not remember, in every post, how I stress my consumption of everything consumable and some not? I’m the man who invented the post dessert snack. I do love all Indian food, really I do and all other food for that matter. The unhealthier the better.

**** 7. What are your favorite book, movie and song?

My favorite book of ALL time would have to be ‘The Fountainhead’ by Ayn Rand and she is my favorite author. I won’t ruin it by talking about it and another book of hers, Atlas Shrugged shows a lot of promise as well, 1/4th the way through it atm.

My favorite song would have to be Let it be by John Lennon, and Bitter Sweet Symphony by The Verve aaaand Save Tonight by Eagle Eye Cherry aaand Elbow’s Grounds for Divorce instrumental ….but no, I actually love a lot of music; I absolutely love alt rock, Bach, country and mostly everything in between. Play rap, hip hop and any of that rubbish and I swear, Imma stuff bacon in your ears till you overheat your tiny little brain explodes. Absolutely love the Matrix trilogy, Inception, and a lot of sappy movies as well like…. No, I won’t live that one down.

**** 8. Where do you see yourself in five years?

I will have, by then eaten 1/5th of the world’s beef, up from 1/8th by the end of this year. My growth follows an elliptical curve.

 

 

For more Indian Mechanisms follow RANTONIT

Next week’s SPaM features novelist Skinnywhitewoman

For your own SPaM contact me at heellisgoa@gmail.com

 


Bubba SPaM

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This week’s SPaM shakes things up a bit, as our featured blogger is webcomic cartoonist Andy B. Childress of BubbaWorld Comix; the host of a weekly digital periodical available for email.

“Every Monday you will be entertained by the humorous strips of QUICK APPLIANCE REPAIR (a strip about two idiot brothers working for their Dad) and MISSISSIPPI SWAMP DRAGONS (as the name suggests this strip is about a psychotic chicken in a floppy ear hat and a pessimistic clown). They are joined by a third humor strip by the name of BUBBA GNOMES. Basically gnomes with a redneck twist.”

This week we take a trip into the mind of this self-proclaimed “nut” and see what makes his pen tick.

**** 1. What first influenced you to become an artist, and how did that lead to the medium of webcomics?

When I was One year old I wanted a pencil and paper and I’ve never have put them down since.  I have literally been drawing all of me life.  When I was three I was fascinated by the Sunday funnies.  I would lay in the floor and imitate them in my drawings.  That’s when I decided I wanted to do comics when I got older…( notice I didn’t use the phrase ” grow up “)… Later I found out they had words with them. WHAT A CONCEPT!  I got interested in comic books also starting with the Richie Rich’s and Casper’s and as I got older the Marvel & DC super heroes.

Back in those days we could buy them off a rack in any convenience store….and we rode the bus to school, uphill , both ways, in the snow…. As I read more super heroes I drew more super heroes.  My first love was still the funny pages in newspapers though.  I created HERMAN THE PSYCHOTIC CHICKEN by accident in 9th grade art class.  It would still be years later before I knew what to do with him.  My senior year term paper was on Comics.  That was before the interwebs and I had to go to this brick building in the center of town they called a Library.  During college I fleshed out HERMAN and paired him with a pessimistic Clown by the Name of KNOTHEAD.  a couple of  years later I started the QUICK APPLIANCE REPAIR  strip.  I would draw up strips and read articles to see what size to draw them and make reduce photo copies of them to store.  At the time I didn’t know what to do with them , I just wrote and drew and stock piled.  I would create a new strip here and there and keep drawing.

Eventually I started my own comics paper and published it for free monthly with ad money from it.  I ran it for four years and used a website to promote the paper.  I wished I realized then how better off I would have been to have used the paper to promote the website. I was reading comics on the web but I only had samples of my comics on the web and should have been updating it the whole time.  Due to some family illnesses I shut down the paper and moved it totally to the web in 2007.  I started the paper back WHILE KEEPING THE WEBSITE GOING but only for a few months before making it a digital periodical.

**** 2. How much of your characters in your comic strip are based on real people?

I once told a group of people that the majority of the characters were slivers of my own personality and if I didn’t write and draw them out that there was a good chance that I would turn into a schizophrenic with multiple personalities.  I have over a hundred characters running thru me noggin.

The Digital Periodical actually comes out on Wednesday & Friday also.  Each day has different humor strips and all three day have an action adventure sci fi serial that’s ongoing.  Question 6 deals with that so let me list my humor strips.  QUICK APPLIANCE REPAIR ( two idiot brothers working for their dad in the appliance repair business )… MISSISSIPPI SWAMP DRAGONS ( a psychotic chicken in a floppy ear hat and a pessimistic clown, there are two swamp dragons in the strip also )… DAWN OF TIME ( Bubba the caveman and his chimp friend Milo )… CAPN’ GEEZER ( space / time patrol and his companions, arch nemesis travels in a port-o-pottie time machine…. SPACE REDNECKS ( Houston MS with it’s own space program )… GOING BATTY ( mad scientist and the critters in his castle )…. BUBBA GNOMES ( mythology with a redneck twist )…. “!?!” ( a strip that will never have any words and rely solely on the action of the main character for the humor.  To pronounce the name of this title simply put your finger in your mouth pressing on the inside of a cheek at a sideways angle bringing it out fast to make a popping sound )….  My but that’s a lot of strips I tells ya.  That’s eight humor titles with over a hundred , maybe a hundred fifty characters total.

There are a few friends that appear in the strips as “extras”. They get speaking lines and such but the number is less than ten.  Some of the Characters in the QAR strip are INSPIRED by me and my brother and some family members but are not actually us.  They just have a lot of our quirks.

**** 3. Do you find it difficult to come up with inspiration and ideas on a regular basis?

Actually I find it hard to shut it off.  Not that I actually try to shut it off at any time.  After the first two strips I kept having ideas for a third.  I figured I would go ahead and draw some of the cavemen strips just to get them out of my head.  The next thing I know I have a third strip.  Now it’s up to eight humor strips.  I usually pre write strips in advance in a note book and draw them later.  I see the humor side of just normal events that happen thru the day.

**** 4. Do you find it more or less difficult to exist as an artist now that our media has shifted toward online distribution and away from traditional print?

I love the way it is now.  Even here in Mississippi I sell as many books on cd as pdf’s as I do in print.  The internet is great for distribution.  I’ve made my paper a Digital Periodical that’s free to anyone who wants it.  I no longer have to pay a printer and where I was limited to 4000 copies a month I can now send an infinite amount thru email.  I use the WordPress blogs for my archives and people are always finding me on that.  Add the Facebook, twitter, and YouTube as promotion tools and anyone can self publish their work.

**** 5. In addition to your humorous comic strips you’ve written a series of short horror stories called MISFITS AND MAYHEM. What inspired you to create horror graphic novels?

I loves me some horror I do.  I’ve always have just wanted to write and draw some horror stories.  I used to read horror comics as a kid and still do from time to time now.  Although the more you write and draw the less time you have to read.  I use a totally different style of art and writing for my horror , and the horror stories have a horror host by the name of CREEPY CLYDE that runs a night carnival.  This is the only project that I’ve used someone else to help on.  A friend of mine writes half of the stories in the books and I write the other half.  Then I draw, letter and ink the whole book.  I do throw in some dark humor into my stories also.

**** 6. You mention a series of SciFi graphic novels in the works. What prompted you to go in the direction of SciFi? Also, our readers need to know the answer to this question…are you a Trekkie or a Jedi?

First off….I’m a Whovian ( Doctor Who ).  But I usually watch it all.  I’m more fond of the original three Star Wars films and did meet Dave Prowse ( actor in the Darth Vader costume ) at a con in 1993.  But I’ve seen all of the Trek series, read a bunch of the novels and comic books.  If I had to chose one over the other it would be Trek over Star Wars , but Doctor Who before anything else.

The SciFi graphic novels are being drawn three pages a week now.  They appear in the BubbaWorld Comix Digital Periodical every week on all three days at the bottom of the pages.  It’s an ongoing Time Travel Adventure That I draw in a similar style to the horror comics I do.  I call it ” DOX “.  It’s awesomeness I tells ya.  I wrote it as a novel a few years back during the month of November.  Yes… i wrote a 75,000 word novel in 28 days.  I never did anything with the manuscript because I really wanted it to be  a series of graphic novels.

I’m drawing the pages horizontal like a comic strip from the funny pages instead of the traditional way ( vertical ) so it will do better on a computer screen with less scrolling.  The print form of the books as they come out will be in a landscape style and shape because of this.  I still use humor in my writing but this is a more serious subject.  It has mystery and deaths and violence in it.  In other words pure Awesomness!

**** 7. What does the future hold for BubbaWorld Comix?

Flying cars I hope … I want me my own personal flying car.  Oh and more subscribers.  The more people I have reading my comics the better.  I had one person years ago ask me if I was the next Charles Schultz?  I told them, “No, I’m the first Andy Childress.”  I did love Peanuts and it had a lot to do with me wanting to become a cartoonist.  Right now though I just need anyone who enjoys my comics to spread the word to their friends about it.  My official website is BUBBAWORLDCOMIX.NET and you can get the Digital Periodical just by emailing me at bubbaworldcomix@gmail.com with “SUBSCRIBE” in the subject of the email.

I’ve also got other ideas for more graphic novels later on and I will be doing a third volume of MISFITS & MAYHEM.

See ya in the funny Web Pages.

 

For more space madness follow Bubbaworldcomix

For your own feature SPaM post contact me at heellisgoa@gmail.com

Next week’s SPaM features the enigmatic Rantonit!


SPaM Free Monday

The combination of a late week Nor’easter, birthday festivities and a minor brush with carbon monoxide poisoning has left me little time to complete…well, much of anything this week. So I have decided to lay low today and leave you with the number one songs the day I was born in the US, the UK and Australia. Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday yesterday!

NUMBER ONE SONG IN THE U.S.

NUMBER ONE SONG IN THE U.K.

NUMBER ONE SONG IN AUSTRALIA


Ex-SPaM

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Well people, it was inevitable. The time has come to do a SPaM post on the infamous HR NIGHTMARE. What makes him infamous, you ask? Namely, that he is the former Mr. H.E. Ellis. *Hey!! My last name isn’t Ellis! And if we’re talking names here, wouldn’t you be the former Nightmare? No pun intended.*

I’ll spare you all the eye pain of attempting to read the near vowel-less spelling of his Transylvanian last name and just refer to him as HR for the remainder of this post.

     HE: So tell me, HR. What does the HR stand for?

HR stands for Human Resources. Every company has a human resources department, and every company has a guy who argues with them about….EVERYTHING. Yeah, I’m that guy. Example? In sports, smacking someone’s ass and saying, “Good game” is acceptable. However…

     HE: Yeah, yeah. Moving on. You, unlike me, are a native New Hampshire-ite. What does being a New Englander mean to you?

It means I have an excuse to drive poorly, own many weapons, pay little taxes and swear without aid of the letter “R.” Oh, and hate the Yankees. I’m a Pissa.

     HE: Can you elaborate on what a “Pissa” is?

The definition of a Pissa is something that is way cool, maybe too cool. Also recognized in Boston and Rhode Island for “amazing.” But here in New Hampsha, it means to take the “Piss” out of something, like when someone is telling a story and you shit all over it before he’s even done. Basically, a ballbuster.

     HE: Your blog entitled, WORDS YOU CAN’T UNSAY reads like a guide to practical joking in the workplace. How did you come up with that idea? 

I figured that as long as I was being written up, I might as well be written about. What I call a morale booster, my boss calls workplace shenanigans. Maybe I ought to send him a link to my blog. On second thought, NO.

     HE: Your shenanigans do not stop at the workplace, quite often you bring them home. What’s it like being only eighteen years older than your oldest son, and how does that impact your ability to lay the “smack down” as you like to say?

I’ve found that a high perch and a sniper style airsoft rifle is a great equalizer. Besides, most people think he’s the dad, so in public this makes for lots of fun.

     HE: In addition to your love for and massive collection of weaponry, what do you have a passion for? (I’m talking about all the motorcycles in the backyard, HR).

I’d like to see HR and HE on a HD. And having seven motorcycles and four mopeds is not a lot, Little Miss antique car collec–

     HE: Ok, ok. Let’s move on to your name. How hard was it growing up in the United States with what is traditionally a girl’s name?

I don’t want to talk about that because I got my ass KICKED as a kid. It’s why I use my middle name, Mikhail. I did learn, however, that it is useful to hold onto that grudge anger until years later when you run into them again. Talk about never saw it coming.

     HE: Alright, how about your last name, and the fact that you are the twenty-fourth in a long line of (gives permission to use name) Vlakfelds.

Now that worked out much better, especially on the little goth girls with daddy issues who all LOVED that I was a descendent of Vlad Tspes. All through high school I had a black lipstick ring around my–

     HE: I know, I know. You know I adapted parts of your life for a character in my novel. How does it feel to be immortalized in print?

You mean besides my very permanent public record? Well that all depends, who am I again?

    HE: I’m not going to tell you. You’ll just have to buy the book and read it.

Well I guess I’ll never know. Wait…I’m not JEB, am I?

     HE: Well I guess you’ll never know.

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For more blogging shenanigans follow HR NIGHTMARE

Return next week for a feature SPaM post with Bubbamix Comics

For your own SPaM email me at heellisgoa@gmail.com


Love Letters Gone Wrong – Six

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It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG written and submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who hit the “Like” button on the ADVENTURE SPaM post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.

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My dearest darling,

Like every night since I first devoured your blog I could not sleep again last night. I laid in bed and constant thoughts of you flooded my head. Even my complete set of glow in the dark Star Trek action figures which are perfectly arranged on my homemade replica of the Enterprise’s bridge could not distract me. (NC-1701 because you should know I am a purist.) The more I get to know about you without ever meeting you the more certain I am that your phaser will stun me into blissful submission. (I hope that did not sound gay. I like Sulu and everything, but not in that way.)

As I squirmed under my Federation comforter I thought about your curly or wavy or straight or long or short hair, your left index finger with its nail painted black, your two alluring shins. But don’t think I love you simply because I imagine you are beautiful. My feelings go much deeper. I love the way you use a computer to type big words and long sentences. I love that when you show photographs of your car they can be tractor beamed to pinpoint your exact location. I love that you have birthed children and are fertile like an Iowa cornfield. (As you know that is James T. Kirk’s home state.) Although we have never met “in the flesh” I can easily lie in bed and imagine what that fleshy meeting will be like even as I stare at my full wall photo collage of Uhura.

I know you must get love letters all the time, my little tribble. I know you have your choice of male specimens who promise you the world. I know I am facing stiff competition. Do not let that trouble you. I am sure once you tell me who these other men are you will never hear from them again. That I promise!

Now that you finally know the intensity of my devotion I’m sure as you think about me laying in bed tonight you will also have trouble sleeping. I am sorry for that, but love is never easy especially when it hits at warp speed.

Forever yours,

Lenny


Secret SPaM – Update

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WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG POST TO BRING YOU SOME LATE BREAKING NEWS:

Nicholas Klaus, better known to the public as “Santa Claus” was arrested this evening at an undisclosed brothel on charges of solicitation and drug possession. Surveillance cameras caught Klaus allegedly purchasing narcotics from a prostitute during a sting operation conducted by the North Pole Police Force. The incident, now widely broadcast on television, shows an enraged Klaus resisting arrest and shouting, “Bitch set me up!”  

More news to follow as it becomes available.


Secret SPaM – Part Three

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READ SECRET SPaM PART – ONE

READ SECRET SPaM PART – TWO


Sparkle’s Rockin’ New Year

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Whenever I think about New Years Eve specific images spring to mind; social gatherings, alcoholic beverages, fireworks…..kissing. So I thought to myself, what better way to showcase all that is magical about New Years Eve than with a feature post about the sparkliest woman I know? That’s right ladies and gentleman, I give you the one, the only….

SPARKLEBUMPS!

Thank you, my future wife! (If my Rockstar doesn’t marry me, that is.)

Take one part Dorothy Parker, one part Jessica Rabbit and two parts Dolly Parton *snicker.* Mix together and serve in a pair of five inch pink stiletto heels and you have my girl Sparklebumps.

Whether she’s swooning over her own personal Rockstar or daydreaming of giving Chris Meloni the boobie-squishing of a lifetime, this larger than life– “Umm, excuse me, did you just imply that I’m fat?” bombshell– “Oh, you are forgiven. XOXO” makes everyone she meets instantly fall in love with her. “Except that one guy that one time, but I think he might have been gay…” And since no one blog post can come close to encapsulating the woman in all her glittering glory, I’ve decided to ask what advice Sparklebumps might give us in the hopes of bringing a little sparkle to our own New Years Eve holiday.

****1. What does a typical Sparklebumps New Years Eve look like?

Well, H.E., sadly I have never created a New Year’s tradition. However, last year I spent the night putting together two beauteous red red bookshelves to hold all of my books. The night ended with me on the verge of wanting to stab myself in the eye with a screwdriver. NOT the alcoholic kind.

****2. You have been described as, “oozing sex appeal.” Is this a natural ability or a cleverly executed skill? What can women do to channel their own inner Sparklebumps?

Honestly, I have no idea what they’re talking about. I find myself to be the complete opposite of sexy. The best advice I can give is buy a pair of really tall heels, and agree with your significant other that “Hell, yeah, that chic is hot.” when his eyes wander. If you are jealous of other women (or men) it makes you very beautifically-impaired.

****3. It’s no secret that men, and quite a few women, find you utterly desirable. What advice would you give women about how to harness the awesome power that is raw sex appeal?

Well, no one can be me, but I guess the best thing to do would be to just emulate me as much as possible. ;)

****4. Tell us about the moment during your childhood when you discovered you were sparklier than the other little girls.

Technically, my sparklyness came much later. But I DO remember a time when I was about 4 years old and I imagined that I was a lion lording over a field of Cabbage Patch Children (my friends). I guess my imagination gets a little carried away sometimes….

****5. In addition to your bombshell persona you are an avid reader with a passion for books. If you were free to write your own novel right now, what would it be about?

I AM free to write whatever I want whenever I want. (well, almost.) Really, this tends to be my biggest problem. My brain has so many different stories and ideas that it is almost completely impossible for me to sit down and concentrate on one thing long enough to write a book. This is why I’ve several started and none completed. However, Love is the thing, you know, so anything that I write will most definitely have a love angle in it.

The only way I know how to write is by taking from personal experience. That and having read many many books and realizing what I do and don’t like in the way an author writes. I know my writing is very raw (or so I’ve been told) and I don’t know if that’s a good thing, but if the comments on my blog are any indication, I guess I’m doing ok.

The first chapter of the book I have most completed is featured in my post, “First Chapter.”

****6. Tell us about your Rockstar. What first attracted you to him, and what do you do to keep the fires burning?

My Rockstar is just a little bit awesome. (That’s an understatement there, in case anyone missed it.) Honestly, the first thing that attracted me to him was the fact that he played guitar. Maybe it was because I haven’t known many musicians, who knows. He was also just extremely NICE. Which is funny, since in the beginning of our relationship, the names “cunt” and “asshole” were thrown around quite a bit. One of the things I appreciate though, is that he is a single father who is there for his daughter. (Even if it DOES take the attention away from me. ;) )

Hmmm, to keep the fires burning? I give plenty of blowjobs,(sometimes while watching porn) I sometimes send nudey texts, (which don’t receive much in the way of applause, Understandably), I try to cook for him, (the way to a man’s heart, yes?) and I buy him beer. (because that’s just common sense.) Also, giving a man his space works wonders.

****7. How will you be spending this New Years Eve, and what is the one wish you’ll make when the clock strikes midnight?

I will be spending the night with my Rockstar and his Daughter, (which sounds boring, but really isn’t.) I may be wearing a pair of new heels to celebrate, and when the clock strikes midnight? It depends.

If he and I are in the midst of red-hot sex (after his daughter goes to sleep), I may just be wishing that we will always and forever have awesome sex, even when we are old. (with the help of Viagra, if necessary.) If all three of us are still awake, mayhap I will just be wishing we will be a lovely little family forever. Also, I will be wishing this is the year I get my Boss Mustang. :) XOXO

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Beauty, Boobs, and Brains. Sparklebumps is the whole package. What more could you wish for? I for one will be wishing that this time next year Santa will have found a way to stuff a hot pink Mustang down Sparkle’s chimney.

That sounded oddly naughty….

That’s ok, H.E. Most of my thoughts are pretty naughty, too….


Secret SPaM – Part Two

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Secret SPaM – Part One

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For this week’s SPaM I had the privilege of sitting down to an interview with a man who’s known world wide; a man whose public persona is larger than life, but whose private world is shrouded in a centuries old mystery. In this three part series we will discuss his career, his home life, his influence and ultimately his legacy. This is by far the most in-depth probe I’ve ever done for a SPaM post that I believe you’ll find both eye-opening as well as entertaining. Today I sit down with none other than…

SANTA CLAUS.

Part one of our interview takes place in Santa’s private quarters at his North Pole command center. Haggard and spent from last night’s epic trip around the world, he nurses what the elves tell me is his “tonic,” prompting me to open questions quickly and dive right into the meat of his story:


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