The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

The Gods of Asphalt

So yeah, I wrote a book.

I must have been high when I wrote it because there’s no other explanation I can give for my 123,000 word upper YA novel where the only noun I used more than “boner” was “blood.” It goes without saying that I’m self-published. I didn’t even try to submit it traditionally. Can you just imagine the poor agent who gets my query letter?

“My novel, THE GODS OF ASPHALT is complete at 123,000 words and is the first in a series of five books that for some reason I’ve decided to write out-of-order. Each one is told from the point of view of a teenage male protagonist who has exactly zero supernatural powers (unless you consider perpetual erections a superpower). Oh, and it also has Spanish subtitles.”


On the good side, if you’re like me and are just a little too into music, motorcycles and all around badassery this is the book for you. If you’re not, I’m sure Jodi Picoult’s got a blog somewhere. You can find the opening to chapter one at the top of the page under the tab “Book One” and you can find my book on line at:




9 responses

  1. I think self-publishing is the only way new authors can get anywhere these days. How did you go about doing it? It sounds like it’ll be a good read too! 🙂

    August 30, 2011 at 4:47 am

    • Self-publishing was remarkably easy. I finished my manuscript and then went to Once I was there they supplied a guide that talked you through the process of formatting your manuscript to their specifications. They provided a free ISBN number so that was taken care of and all I had to do was upload my work. Putting this blog together was a greater challenge than formatting my manuscript.

      Then I went to Amazon and Google ebooks and did the same thing. Each company requires different formatting so you do have to manipulate your work for each one. I suggest starting with Smashwords first, as they actually teach you how to use all the tools you’ll need in Microsoft Word. From there it’s a piece of cake. I am also in the process of creating a paperback version through the createspace page on the Amazon site.

      Of everything I had to do I’d say the hardest thing is creating an interesting Author’s page. I’ve still yet to do that. Once you’re published let me know. I’d love to read your novel!

      August 30, 2011 at 7:42 am

      • Thank you, I’m glad someone out there has decided to make it easy for self-publihed authors. It’d be a shame to lose out on all the new talent otherwise!

        Haha, I will do, but I doubt I’ll be published for a while. I have like three ideas for three different stories and I keep switching between them which probably isn’t the best idea haha.

        I look forward to the paperback version coming out, I’ll definitiely give it a read! I hope it all goes well!

        September 2, 2011 at 3:40 am

  2. Imogen Shepard

    That last sentenced really cracked me up! 😀 I ain’t into Motor Cycles but well into music and I needed that nice bit of humour. I am very intrigued by this book of yours and I will be back to find out more. Have a good one hun 😉

    September 3, 2011 at 9:38 pm

  3. Imogen Shepard

    HI H.E. I mamaged to download a copy of your book through Smashwords (Ihave got an ePub viewer). Just to let you know…firstly it takes me forever to read a book and secondly I am in no ways a critic so please don’t hold your breath for a fast review.

    Smashwords seems like the ideal place to get some work published…it’s getting me thinking….and it’s good to know it exists for future reference.

    September 12, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    • I love Smashwords. I’ve had nothing but the best experience with them so far. And my book is deceptively long so don’t feel bad if it takes you a while. Since this is my first novel any feedback you feel like giving will be welcome. Granted, there’s not much I can do about the book now, but I have a sequel in the works and I’d love not to make the same mistakes twice.

      September 12, 2011 at 6:29 pm

      • Imogen Shepard

        Well I can give you some feedback now on what I have read. (I visited Amazon and had a ‘look inside’) What prompted me to get it is the fact that it’s ‘Rawness’ for me, is very refreshing. I can’t stand all these ‘nicey-nicey’ books, they get on my nerves frankly; so something with a bit of ‘edge’ is right up my street. It starts off well. Most books H.E that I pick up from the library go unread because the first few pages do little for me. But with yours, I actually ‘want’ to know what happens to him, his knee, this mysterious list and the fact that you have been bold enough to add (I don’t know how to put this) like a proper ‘realness’ to the story and to the characters. It’s every day real life and that’s why I like it. So like I said it really does take me ages to read a book (I’ve been reading Fharenheit 451 for about 3 months) so I shall do my best. I also Really like it that you have written the story,being a woman,as a male-that’s pretty cool! I’ve been trying to imagine how I could write as the opposite sex and I am not sure if I could do it so top marks for that! I’ll do my best 😉

        September 12, 2011 at 7:59 pm

  4. Thank you so much! I will tell you that the “realness” in it is what prompted me to self-publish. Every critique group member said they liked the story and the writing but that no one would publish it because it was too real. I’m glad to see you’ve proved them wrong. Believe me when I say you’ve made my day.

    September 13, 2011 at 7:40 pm

  5. Imogen Shepard

    Good 😉 xx

    September 13, 2011 at 11:21 pm