The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Simon Cowell – Literary Idol

So as usual I was skulking around the What The Fuck Was That Editor Smoking? blog and read the post on writer’s conferences where the suggestion of Simon Cowell creating a show where people would pitch or submit their writing for review was postulated.

So I got to thinking…in my deeply dark and disturbed (and alliterated) way; what might those submissions look like? Just how bad would something have to be to spray Cowell-esque brain matter across the page? Well I submit for your enjoyment:


Advice on Writing Young Adult Novels:

  • Write Y.A. – How Hard Can It Be?
  • More Sarcasm, Please
  • “Like” – The New “Aloha”: A Guide to Writing Convincing Teen Dialogue
  • Every Gal Needs A Sassy Gay Friend!—Your Guide to Writing Believable Foils

Advice on Writing Books for Children:

  • Ideas Are Everywhere! Plot Templates from the Good People at MadLibs.
  • Know Your Market: Observations from Behind the Swing Set
  • Burp, Fart, and Puke—101 Essential Kid’s Book Chestnuts
  • One Illustrator’s Dream is Another’s Sweatshop: The Dark Side of Elementary School Art Class.

Advice on Writing Romance:

  • Why it’s Not Rape: A Writer’s Guide to Romantic Overtures: Forward by Stephanie Meyer
  • So Your Heroine’s a Serf?—Tips on Making Indentured Servitude Sexy

Career Advice:

  • What Matters is that YOU like it, dear: How Your Mom Can Get You Published.
  • Creative, Interesting, and Fine: Your Guide to Passive-Aggressive Critiquing.
  • One Step Too Far – Career Advice from a Fan Fiction Slash Writer

Agent Advice:

  • When No means No
  • Write Your Own Restraining Order: The Five Boroughs Edition
  • Walking a Fine Line: When Research Becomes Stalking
  • Copyright Now!—How Agent’s REALLY Make Their Money

Writing Advice:

  • Say It With Adverbs!
  • Bad Prose and the Writers Who Love It
  • How to Write a Revision-Free First Draft
  • No one actually reads Hemingway, so what’s the harm?–Playing the Odds of Plagarism


  • The Magic, The Mystery, The Muse: Ke$ha – A Collection of “Haiku-like” Poetry
  • Every Line Needs to Rhyme: This and Other Poetry Secrets the Publishing Industry Doesn’t Want You to Know



9 responses

  1. Those are hilarious! When Research Becomes Stalking – I think I need to buy that one!

    August 31, 2011 at 7:40 pm

  2. Yeah. I’ve got problems…

    August 31, 2011 at 8:02 pm

  3. I personally dig, “Like-the New Aloha: a Guide to Writing Convincing Teen Dialogue”. Always confuses me when the youngies “like” my posts. What are they actually saying?Do the “like it” like it? Or, like, just kinda like it. Growing old is so hard.

    August 31, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    • If we have made the effort to like it, we really like it, were too lazy to press the button otherwise 😛

      September 5, 2011 at 3:32 pm

  4. savorthefolly

    okay….that was fucking incredible! you. are. a. genious. and. not. a. little. twisted.

    *raucus applause*

    April 21, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    • Thanks, Savor. I have to admit I had a lot of fun with this one.

      April 21, 2012 at 1:59 pm

      • savorthefolly

        it shows.

        April 21, 2012 at 2:12 pm

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