The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

London Calling

As a lover of all things British I was “chuffed to bits” (really pleased) to have the opportunity to interview the WordPress darlings that are IMONTHEBANDWAGON. For those rare few of you who may not know, IMONTHEBANDWAGON is a blog penned by a chap we’ll call “Jowett” and well…I’ll let him introduce himself and his blog:

“For the purpose of this blog I am going to refer to myself as Jowett.  I am currently working on tour with a successful British music band. I work very closely with the members of the band and spend all my time around them. However, due to legal reasons, I cannot reveal the band’s identity.

While on tour and working around them I have decided to keep a record of some of the conversations and incidents that arise. I am going to use this blog as a way of recording the events and conversations that happen with the band while on tour. I have had permission from all parties to record these conversations and publish them, no matter how controversial. They have however, expressed to be left nameless.”

Honestly, how could I resist? Well I couldn’t, so at least once a month I’ll be interviewing Jowett’s boys for their own feature post I’ve named “London Calling.” For our first interview I called on the talents of local high school students to provide some out of the box questions for our boys.


JOWETT: Right here are the questions, all of which come from High School kids.

*** Joe W. asks, “Which country has the best groupies and why?”

RYAN: I think Joel can answer that one

MIKE: Yeah

JOEL: Erm bigger girls

MIKE: That’s not a country, mate

JOEL: Oh sorry, erm…

RYAN: Joel has actually been told to cut down on that

MIKE: Yeah, the local papers seem to get wind of whatever he gets up to

JOEL: Yeah, where do they get that stuff from?

MIKE: You said that without irony once, I think you actually were reading the paper while turfing some bird out of your room at the time “Where do they gets this information from!?…are you still here? fuck off!”


JOEL: (Tuts) Scotland



JOEL: Just….filth

JOWETT: Fair enough


*** Zack D. asks, “What weird requests do each of you make in your riders?

MIKE: Erm Joel always insists on having ‘Monster Munch’ in his rider that no one else is allowed to touch. I had his last pack once and he shouted at me. But obviously while he was shouting at me he had to shout the words “Monster Munch,” so I couldn’t take him seriously.


JOEL: Also, I always ask for Doritos, but never ever get them

MIKE: I don’t ask for much, just the head of Chris Martin, failing that, Cheerio’s



RYAN: I ask for Doritos not to be put in our rider


*** John G. asks, “If they made a movie about your band what actors would play each of you?”

RYAN: We always said if a film was ever made about our band, it would be because something had gone badly badly wrong, like Mike had been assassinated for making flippant comments about Scientology or they found Joel swinging from the rafters, cock in hand, in front of his webcam.

JOEL: I would prefer if they did it with puppets, like in Team America

JOWETT: Who would do your voice though?

JOEL: Mmm I like Samuel Jackson


MIKE: (Samuel Jackson impression) Who ate my mother fucking last bag of Monster Munch?


RYAN: I’d suggest Christian Bale, but I don’t think they would know when he was acting or not when it comes to acting like a prick “Christian please! We haven’t turned on the cameras yet! Stop stop!”


*** Shawn H. asks, “What American slang word or term tripped you up? (you didn’t understand the meaning).”

RYAN: (Laughs) Erm when we were last in America, we were backstage at a gig having a few drinks and Joel managed to smash a bottle and cut himself. He went to ask someone for a first aid kit or something and they asked him if he wanted a ‘band-aid’ he goes “Yeah band aid! I need band aid” thinking it was some sort of service, he was gutted when he just got a plaster.

MIKE: He also thought fanny pack was an American nickname for a team of groupies.


*** Nick L. asks, “Has there ever been a place where you’ve refused to perform or a place that has refused you and why?”

RYAN: Mmm never refused to play anywhere but we have been banned from a few places.

MIKE: There is a club in England that we are banned from for fighting after a gig. We spoke about it on the website actually (you can find this post HERE). We got into a fight with some locals that were giving Joel abuse. It all kicked off and basically our security tore everyone apart, including bouncers. The owners told us to leave and I remember Joel standing on top of a pile of people going “We are going nowhere!

JOWETT: I remember this, what happened after?

MIKE: We left, thought it was best


*** Olivia V. asks, “What American band would you most like to perform with?”

RYAN: There are a lot of American bands we like and wouldn’t mind collaborating with. Kings Of Leon, The Strokes. We all fans of Hip-hop though as well, especially American Hip-Hop and think we could do some damage if we had a Rapper on a song.

MIKE: I pushed for a collaboration with Pitbull


MIKE: There’s a lot of money in comedy album. Then the money can go to what ever charity got him through his stroke.

(For more insight into Mike’s opinion on a certain rapper named Pitbull, check out this post HERE).

*** Alyssa B. “If your contract monies were to be divided by each band member’s penis length who’d get the biggest cut?”

RYAN: Mike

JOEL: Mike

JOWETT: That was a very fast answer. How the hell do you know?



JOWETT: Never mind that, how do you know?

RYAN: Nah it’s nothing like that, once we had this hand puppet of Phil Collins on our tour bus for some reason. Anyway, Mike got drunk and put the puppet on his hand and put his cock in the puppets mouth and laughed like it was the funniest thing he had ever seen singing ‘You Can’t Hurry Love’

MIKE: That’s in a refuge home now, for abused puppets


RYAN: Actually, he did it first with the Elton John puppet!

JOWETT: What? Where the fuck are you getting these celebrity hand puppets from?

RYAN: I can’t remember. But yeah he did it with the Elton one, started laughing and goes “Look, I have brought him down to my level” to which I replied “I think he’s always been at that level”


RYAN: And then he broke into ‘Rocket Man’, cock still in Elton’s mouth


RYAN: We have seen Joel’s too

MIKE: When?

RYAN: When he came out a toilet after a gig with this girl

MIKE: Ohhh yeah

JOEL: (Tut’s) Don’t tell this story

MIKE: She came bursting out the door, holding her eye, while Joel followed with his Jeans round his ankles

RYAN: Mike started laughing and goes “Whhhhaaaaayyyyyy looks like masturbation does make you go blind” and she turned to him and said, “It was a blowjob, dickhead.”


JOWETT: Well thank you lads!

***                And…we’re clear.                            ***

I don’t know about you, but I’m asking Santa for a Phil Collins hand puppet this Christmas. Stay tuned for the next installment of LONDON CALLING where I’ll be asking our boys who they think would win in a Battle of the Scots, Gordon Ramsay or Ray Banks (my money’s on Banks. That dude’s tough as shit). If there are any questions you’d like to see answered in a feature post you can email me at or the boys directly at


Follow Jowett and the boys at their blog: IMONTHEBANDWAGON

Follow them on Facebook at IMONTHEBANDWAGON

Follow them on twitter @jowettbandwagon

So until next time…CHEERS!


21 responses

  1. Thanks for the good laugh! Really interesting post here.

    September 17, 2011 at 10:22 am

  2. Pingback: Just got in! « verynormal

  3. Imogen Shepard

    Nice one H.E, I am desperately trying to guess which British band it is and I do have an idea (I’m an X-FM listener so I get to hear bands a lot). Anyway good post, enjoyed reading it: boys will be boys as they say (refering to all that smut), A good idea H.E, congrats on your first one!

    September 18, 2011 at 4:39 am

    • I have no idea who they are either. But it is fun trying to guess!

      September 18, 2011 at 12:38 pm

  4. Lol, I love interviews! And this one was funny.

    September 18, 2011 at 10:27 am

    • Thanks! I’ve got stuff lined up where they fill out applications to work at McDonald’s or go through the process of interviewing an attractive female assistant. These guys are sooo easy to work with.

      September 18, 2011 at 12:39 pm

  5. I love your blog, and named you for the Versatile Blogger Award. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is outlined on my blog. Thanks for all of the smiles you give me!

    September 18, 2011 at 10:35 am

    • I didn’t even know there was such a thing so you can imagine how please I am to be named for it! I’m heading over to your blog now to see what’s up…

      September 18, 2011 at 12:40 pm

  6. Pingback: An investigation is underway and a man dresses as a school girl « imonthebandwagon

  7. sooo funny!

    September 19, 2011 at 9:49 am

  8. I’m a bit worried now…they just accepted my interview request yesterday!

    September 19, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    • Don’t worry at all! They are amazing to work with. Trust me, a piece of cake.

      September 19, 2011 at 2:29 pm

      • Interview completed! Oh, so funny. But my editor wasn’t thrilled with the results (he didn’t “get” the humor), so to get him back (I’m being cheeky) I’m campaigning for comments! Here’s the interview, less a few questions/answers removed:
        I, too, need to come up with some more ideas and do this again sometime! I’ll just stick to my own blog, though, and let the perversion roll!

        September 25, 2011 at 11:29 am

        • That was excellent! I’m running the next installment on my blog this Wednesday. I’m going to include a link to your post on it. Keep me posted whenever you feature them that way we can sort of stagger posts and run links off each other. Really good stuff!


          September 25, 2011 at 12:16 pm

  9. Great! I look forward to it! Meanwhile, I’ll link your previous interview to my post.

    September 25, 2011 at 12:45 pm

  10. Pingback: An Interview With IMONTHEBANDWAGON « Aplscruf's Music Blog

  11. Pingback: London Calling…Again! « H.E. ELLIS

  12. wordsfallfrommyeyes

    This sounds absolutely fantastic – what a scream. I could almost picture the interview unfolding – you could almost have done a video on it. You wrote it out really well – verbatim, I guess. I love British bands too – they are really unique, really something else, possess an edge no-one in the world possibly can.

    BTW congrats on the Versatile Blogger award – really cool!

    October 2, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    • Thanks! London Calling is by far my most favorite thing I do on my blog.

      October 2, 2011 at 5:11 pm

  13. Pingback: London Calling…Lost At Sea « H.E. ELLIS

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