The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

SPaM and Editors

One of the most frustrating things about self-publishing a novel on Amazon is the rule that you can’t promote your own book in their forums. I suppose I get it; I mean, who wants to log on and listen to someone prattle on and on about their staggering work of genius when all you want to do is get a word in edge wise about how your work is better (ok, maybe this is just me). Well I’ve come up with an idea.


Shameless Promotion Monday! I decided to take my fear of  belief in Karma and offer my blog post on Mondays to someone who wants to be heard; be it writer, artist, musician, blogger, what have you. I hope to do this every Monday so if you or anyone you know is interested then shoot me an email at: and we’ll take it from there. Stay tuned for next Monday’s installment with our first secretly awesome guest. Until then enjoy:


How I wish I had the courage to kill you, my darling. Oh, to have the strength to give you what you ask! Alas, my beloved, I am weak. You cannot imagine how it pained me to remove your feet. Surely you understand the sacrifices we must make for our love!

It all started so beautifully, did it not? That glorious day when at long last you chose me! I hardly believed it myself. Oh how you teased me, renaming my novel and asking your silly questions. How did you know the pleasure I would receive, seeing your words in red intertwined with mine? So why, oh why did it have to end?

Did my novelty wear off after only one revision?! Did you think I wouldn’t notice you had moved on to another? Did you think I wouldn’t recognize your words in red?

I recognized you. I recognized you because you belong to me.

I do not blame you for straying, my darling. You are just an editor, after all, easily swayed by proper grammar and strict adherence to word counts. I forgive you your frailties. But I see now that I have to protect you and our love from the seductive, literary succubi who covet your red ink for themselves.

Please do not cry, my sweet. You shall not miss your hands for long!

Just as you gave yourself to me, I shall become you. I will sacrifice my own identity and assume yours as a testament to our devotion to each other. I will destroy these usurpers of our love with your own beautiful, red pen. Oh how it will pain me to mingle my words with theirs.

But love is pain my darling, as you well know.



8 responses

  1. Um, hi… let me just say that your new [insert type of literature or publication] is the best [type of literature or publication] that I’ve ever read, and I would not change a single word. heh heh….*backs away slowly*

    September 19, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    • Very wise…

      September 19, 2011 at 6:45 pm

  2. This is a great idea. It’ll be like open mic night. Next Monday, I’ll grab a cuppa, wear a beret, and start up a smoke machine to get the full effect.

    September 19, 2011 at 8:16 pm

  3. H, I love the “darling” use – makes you totally sound all Fatal Attraction and shit. Awesome!

    September 19, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    • Fatal Attraction was totally what I was going for!

      September 20, 2011 at 11:28 am

  4. Love the Ode, admire the SPAM and respect the willingness to present a forum for us underlings, darling. So I guess I should get my machete sharpened…hmmm…..

    September 20, 2011 at 4:51 am

  5. Oh man, that ‘Ode to An Editor’ alone warrants an immediate subscription from me. Absolutely classic. Look forward to perusing your blog further!

    September 20, 2011 at 7:09 am

  6. That’s sort of an assinine rule. Yeah, yeah, I get it. It’s akin to the whole “can’t have feathers of these particular birds, even if you found them on the ground” laws we’ve got — the reasoning behond it is sound, but the application leaves something to be desired.

    Ode is awesome. Chilling and hilarious at the same time. I look forward to seeing SPaM take off! Assured qualityng breakfast reading, once a week. Pretty sweet.

    September 20, 2011 at 8:38 am