The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Karma’s Cosmic Cheerleader

Real world me is fairly easy-going, but something happened to real world me recently that straight up chapped my ass. Since I’m Karma’s cosmic cheerleader I decided to do what I always do when someone is unkind to me; go out of my way to do something nice for someone else. I’m involved in many volunteer programs, and today I’m going to use this post to bring attention to two of them that are relative to what happened.

The first is called Operation Paperback, a program run by volunteers like myself who collect donated books to ship and distribute to troops overseas. The next is Operation eBook Drop, which is basically the same program only here authors are able to donate their ebooks electronically, free of charge to troops stationed overseas. The United Kingdom has their own Operation eBook Drop UK as well. I encourage authors and readers alike to find out more about these truly worthwhile programs.

Now to be fair, the person who pissed me off didn’t have an issue with these organizations but with me personally in relation to them (I’d explain more if she made any sense to me). And since I wouldn’t be me if I let this go without a passive-aggressive FU to this woman, I thought I’d include the opening to chapter nine of my book in today’s post, free of charge. Something about it seemed fitting to me.

***   CHAPTER NINE   ***

I stood in front of the mirror dressed in my dad’s best button up shirt and pants, wishing my brother were here to save me the trouble of having to kick my own ass.

Gus stepped into the room and dropped the keys to his Lincoln on my dresser. “Don’t even think about bringin’ her back empty.” Then he looked me up and down with his eyebrows raised. “Well now, don’t you look spiffy!”

“Spiffy? Seriously Gus is that even a word?”

“Sure it is. It means…well now, I don’t know what it means. You look good is what I’m tryin’ to say.”

“Thanks.” I picked up the keys and my wallet and slid them into my pocket.

“So who are you bringin’ to this shindig?”

I let the word “shindig” go and answered him. “So far it’s Jeb, his sister Bekka and her friend Morgan.” I still held out hope for Sarah, praying that Spenser would drop dead before the dance due to some humiliating accident involving his tights.

Gus rubbed the back of his neck and looked like he might be sick. “Have a seat son. There’s somethin’ I’ve been meanin’ to talk to you about.”

I sat on the end of the bed as my mind ran down every ailment he’d ever complained about and assigned each one a terminal illness. “Whatever it is, just tell me straight out. I can take it.”

He sat down next to me and put his hand on my knee. “Son…there comes a time in every young man’s life when he finds himself alone with a girl—”

“OH MY GOD!” I threw myself back on the bed. “I’m almost eighteen! What part of ‘the talk’ did you think I didn’t already get?”

“Well how am I supposed to know what your old man did or didn’t tell ya’? What I do know for sure is that you’re not gonna earn your stripes while on my watch.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. “Earn my what?”

“Your father shipped me an enlisted man and I sure as hell ain’t shippin’ him back an officer, if you catch my drift.”

I looked up at him and raised an eyebrow of my own. “What makes you think I’m still enlisted?”

The blood drained from Gus’s face as he grabbed his chest. “Oh Lord, the angina.”

9 responses

  1. Good excerpt. So we don’t get to hear about the bi… person who assed you up??

    September 27, 2011 at 7:02 am

    • I’m going to do some research first to see if her argument has any validity before I post the specifics of it. I don’t want to go off half-cocked (giggle).

      September 27, 2011 at 9:15 am

  2. VERY nice post. And thank you for bringing the Operation Paperback to my attention! I am going to check into this more. My hubs was a career soldier. The one thing he said drove him crazy was the lack of reading material out in the field.

    September 27, 2011 at 10:26 am

  3. Awww I love Gus 🙂 I shall check out the UK charity when I get home!

    September 27, 2011 at 1:03 pm

  4. You are so civic-minded today! It’s great to see you doing your duty for the country. Your duty is so important to do. I know you stand for duty.

    September 27, 2011 at 7:52 pm


      September 27, 2011 at 8:00 pm

  5. Nice. I know why people think you’re a dude–but all the nice flies in the face of my last post.

    September 27, 2011 at 8:26 pm

  6. Cool, some of your book for free! I always say, “if it’s free, it’s for me!”

    September 28, 2011 at 11:37 pm

  7. Jonathan Borden

    That was a great segue from the one to the other. I totally dig how you vent your karmic frustrations so creatively. This is also my first taste of your writing, and I like what I see. What an elevated way to proceed! Also, great nod to your supported charities. I will check them out.

    October 2, 2011 at 9:32 am