The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Prince Charming Must Be Stopped

mSo it looks like I’ll be spending most of today in the sitting position because I can’t stand up. Because I worked out too hard. Thanks to this guy.

Today I’m going to call him what his football team calls him: Prince Charming. Even though all day yesterday I called him everything but a child of God.

Prince Charming, you see, is a middle linebacker. And as a middle linebacker he’s responsible for running defensive plays. It’s a tough position, definitely not one for the weak, and it requires him to work out everyday. Since I’ve decided to rejoin my Roller Derby team after taking a year off, I thought he would be the perfect person to whip my soft self into shape.

Silly Me.

I started the morning bragging about how I’d worked my way up to 100 crunches without breaking a sweat. Yeah, he wasn’t impressed. Instead of building on my lame-ass work out routine he handed me an empty milk jug filled with water, told me to hold it straight up over my head and sent me marching up and down a steep hill. For an hour.

People, send help. NOW. I swear I just heard him mumbling something that sounded a lot like “knuckle push-ups.” If you don’t notice any new posts on my blog over the next few days, it’s safe to assume that I’ve drowned in a huge puddle of my own lactic acid.

53 responses

  1. :O Noooo! You Douche! I think it is safe to say your in over your head (Ahaha English Humor) πŸ˜› Try not to hurt yourself too much, am waiting on your next book!

    October 2, 2011 at 12:23 pm

  2. Good news is I can write sitting down. I wrote the majority of my book on my treadmill, so it’ll be a nice change.

    October 2, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    • Ahahaha I think my figures are the thinnest part of my from typing πŸ˜›

      October 2, 2011 at 12:34 pm

  3. A word for the wise: It isn’t how many crunches you do it is definitely how the crunches are done that gives you a core workout. A lot of ignorant people think taking a Pilates class is for sissies, but Pilates is designed to give you excellent core strength, flexibility, and endurance. And it is relatively an enjoyable experience. Practicing guerrilla strength tactics works if you want to be a navy seal, but if you want to be totally fit and strong for the sake of your sport try core stabilization training instead of Bataan Death Marches.

    October 2, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    • Oh hell no. The last time I did Pilates or Yoga or took a run through the taffy puller at Wonka’s Chocolate factory, I ended up giving myself something called a “Kundalini Awakening.” Trust me, it is nowhere near as awesome as it sounds. It was like I was high for three days straight. I mean, I literally had to force myself to blink because my body forgot how. I realize some people strive for this experience, but it didn’t work out so well for me. You are right about technique over repetition. I think Prince Charming just enjoys giving me a hard time.

      October 2, 2011 at 1:11 pm

      • Madison Woods

        Hahaha, I have never heard anyone say they’d gotten the kundalini awakening from Pilates classes. Now I think I might be inclined to try that, but I’d stay far away from your Prince Charming.

        I’m with meganstephenson… my fingers are the skinniest part of my body. My little stint on the treadmill and glider each day are enough for me already.

        October 2, 2011 at 3:11 pm

        • My problem with wasn’t with Pilates so much as it was with my ridiculously competitive nature. I’m a pretty fit person; or at least I thought I was at the time, so when a friend of mine dared me to take a two hour balls-to-the-wall expert class I couldn’t resist. You see how well that worked out for me.

          October 2, 2011 at 7:01 pm

      • I love pilates, especially when they’re fried and come with a good cheese sauce.

        October 2, 2011 at 5:08 pm

        • Oh man, as picky an eater as I am I’d eat ANYTHING covered in cheeze wiz. Especially french fries…(I’m making the Homer Simpson donut noise now).

          October 2, 2011 at 5:19 pm

  4. Roller derby?!? Holy shit! Can you get me an interview with Ms. Georgia Haas or any of the T Birds? Kidding. Roller Derby rules, good luck on the workout!

    October 2, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    • I’m dying to go out to L.A. and catch a bout with those girls. They’re way tougher than anything going on here in New England. Although some of the girls here are beastlier than some of the men, so I think I’m pretty tough just showing up.

      October 2, 2011 at 2:02 pm

  5. WhitneyCarter

    He’s hunky… πŸ˜›

    October 2, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    • Yup. He looks like his dad. πŸ˜‰

      October 2, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    • I was going to say that, then stopped myself! I don’t know why … OH yes my boyfriend was sat next to me ahaha!

      October 2, 2011 at 4:19 pm

      • He’s seventeen and thinks you’re cute too. I told him you had a boyfriend and he was totally bummed.

        October 2, 2011 at 5:17 pm

        • Damn!! You don’t even wanna know what I am thinking right now!

          October 2, 2011 at 5:46 pm

          • I’m sure it’s fine. I may be his mom but trust me, when it comes to him I’ve heard it all. He definitely earned his nickname.

            October 2, 2011 at 6:37 pm

            • Win! Ben’s mum hates me … Steeling her little boy or some crap! And you have officially made me wanna come to America now!

              October 2, 2011 at 6:42 pm

              • The only time it bothers me is when women my age hit on him. That’s just messed up. But cute teens girls like you are ok by me!

                October 2, 2011 at 7:03 pm

                • Even more Win! at like 00:10 am … I should be asleep! Can’t sleep, I should stop annoying your other blog viewers by taking up your time :O Sorry people!

                  October 2, 2011 at 7:10 pm

                  • You’re always welcome here. But if you have school tomorrow you should sleep. Don’t worry, my blog isn’t going anywhere.

                    October 2, 2011 at 7:18 pm

                    • You see … I don’t have college tomorrow πŸ˜›

                      October 2, 2011 at 7:21 pm

  6. uggh ! you seem to be talking about ….. exercise -.-

    October 2, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    • I’m with ya brotha.

      October 2, 2011 at 2:34 pm

  7. mike

    he doesn’t look like his dad. i’ll tell you who his dad looks like,

    like the UPS guy and the TASTY chowder guy. i wonder what that means?

    October 2, 2011 at 7:07 pm

  8. No, no, I’ll tell you who you look like. Head to Google and type in, “True Blood Alcide” and then hit “Images.” You totally look like the werewolf on that show. It’s a good show. You really need to start watching it.

    October 2, 2011 at 7:11 pm

  9. mike

    holy shit i do. its the abs.

    October 2, 2011 at 7:22 pm

  10. Who are you kidding? It’s everything BUT the abs, wanker.

    October 2, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    • My life is now complete … you just said Wanker πŸ˜›

      October 2, 2011 at 7:25 pm

      • Mine too because I said it to HIM! πŸ™‚

        October 2, 2011 at 7:29 pm

        • This is such a high five moment πŸ˜› I am begin to think I am a bad influence! But then again I could come up with worse πŸ˜‰

          October 2, 2011 at 7:31 pm

  11. mike

    Hey i know what that means now.

    October 2, 2011 at 7:24 pm

  12. Knuckle push-ups result in knuckle sandwich.

    October 2, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    • Oh, I am so stealing that one.

      October 2, 2011 at 7:49 pm

      • Remember me when you become famous.

        October 3, 2011 at 4:53 pm

        • Absolutely. I’ll need to bum a ride off you to Oklahoma so we can hit one of those drive-up liquor stores since I can’t walk in.

          October 3, 2011 at 5:01 pm

  13. I’ve done Turkish Get Ups, but only ten each side. I can’t decide if I want to be an endurance guy or a muscle guy, so I’m neither. And my mind – same deal.

    Is this the face that launched a thousand VP calls?

    October 2, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    • Nope. This is the muscle I commission to pound the crap out of his younger brother, Junior.

      October 2, 2011 at 8:33 pm

  14. kat

    You do roller derby? Cool! Good luck with getting back into it . . . and yeah, it sounds like this guy must be stopped.

    October 2, 2011 at 8:44 pm

  15. So…you’re not used to carrying heavy jugs?

    October 2, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    • Not the Broth

      LMAO! I don’t know you, but I know her, and that comment, Good Sir, will make her night! I raise my glass in jealousy because I didn’t think to say that! SlΓ‘inte!

      October 2, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    • @ Edward Hotspur: Broth is right. You have NO idea how wrong you are.

      October 2, 2011 at 10:30 pm

  16. Not the Broth

    Eh, if you need to free yourself up I know a Boy a couple of hours from you that is having testosterone withdrawal from not being around “The Mike”. If I told him you were bitchin’ about such awesome playtime I think he’d call you a pussy and slick-finger slap you just on principle alone, not that his mom would let him. But, you know, just sayin…

    October 2, 2011 at 10:06 pm

    • PLEASE take him off my hands. I seriously can’t move!

      October 2, 2011 at 10:32 pm

      • I could take him off you hands ahaha πŸ˜‰

        October 3, 2011 at 3:00 am

      • Not the Broth

        I’ll pick him up when he’s old enough to go buy my hooch when I’m too drunk to go get it myself. Till then, he’s your problem…

        October 3, 2011 at 8:00 am

  17. JC

    I am working out like a madman myself. I am killing myself but for good reason. A hairdresser at the place I got to is a Rollder Derby girl…she’sa tough gal. i am now offically afraid of you.

    October 3, 2011 at 9:29 am

    • Being the smallest and weakest of the team means that I’m a jammer, the one who flies wicked fast out in front of everyone else, and the one the blockers try to take down or lap. Basically I’m the quarterback and everyone else on my team is the defensive line.

      I think it’s great that you’re working out. Check back and let me know how you’re doing. I hate to admit it, but I’m only at about 10 of the girly knee push ups at the moment so I could use some encouragement.

      October 3, 2011 at 11:14 am

  18. TheIdiotSpeaketh

    I got sore and pulled a muscle just reading this….. the dude would kill me within 5 minutes… πŸ™‚

    October 3, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    • The worst is when he just stands there and laughs.

      October 3, 2011 at 8:13 pm

      • Not the Broth

        Oh, c’mom, don’t hold THAT against him! I mean, we ALL just stand there and laugh…

        October 4, 2011 at 12:11 am

  19. sharon

    I saw him downtown with the Stewart girl this afternoon. She is breathtaking! Are they an item?

    October 4, 2011 at 4:38 am