The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

It’s SPaM…The Sequel!

It’s time for another helping of SPaM (Shameless Promotion Mondays)

For today’s SPaM post I’m featuring someone I know personally. Someone larger than life both in appearance and personality. Someone who’s been like an obnoxious little brother, following me around making my life a living HELL. But I got him back by basing a character in my book on him. Then I threatened him with bodily harm if he didn’t make a companion blog to mine. And on that note I give you…


ME:  So when did you first realize you were a loser?

JEB:  When did we meet?

ME:  Are you telling me you can’t remember?

JEB:  I’m saying repressed memories fucking suck.

ME:  Alright, moving on. You’re in your senior year of college. What are your plans for the future?

JEB: Plans for the future? I don’t plan for the future. 2012 is right around the corner. I plan on getting 3 stars on this level of Angry Birds but that’s about as far ahead as I’m planning.

ME:  2012? Oh that’s right. You’re one of those SciFi loving, Firefly watching, half-virgins aren’t you?

JEB:  I’m not a geek. You just wrote me that way.  And Firefly is awesome.

ME:  Denial is not an attractive quality, Jeb.

JEB:  I deny being not attractive. Just ask Megan. Hi!

ME:  Calm your hormones and focus.

JEB:  You ask the impossible.

ME:  I begged you for almost a year to get a blog. What finally changed your mind?

JEB:  I discovered there was stuff out there other than porn. Besides, there are plenty of things going on that just need to be written about. And you scare the shit out of me.

ME:  Being scared of females explains a lot about your love life.

JEB:  I’m not scared of females, I’m scared of YOU. So much rage inside such a small person. As far as females go I have no problem with them, as long as they can cook. If you’ve got time to paint your toenails, you’ve got time to make me a fucking pot pie.

ME:  So tell me again, who’s your girlfriend now?

JEB:  I’m in between social relations right now. I don’t like to be tied down. Well, wait…

ME:  You were a really good sport about letting me base a character in my book on you–

JEB:  That’s only because you promised it would get me laid.

ME:  So how’s that working out?

JEB:  Great for River. Me, not so great. Again, in between social relations.

ME:  How does it feel to be cockblocked by a fictional character?

JEB:  Kind of like losing an election to a dead guy.

ME:  Now that you have a blog, where do you intend to take it?

JEB:  Everywhere, I guess. You wouldn’t believe the dumb shit I see in school and working retail. So whenever something stupid happens I’m going to document it. Thus creating an alibi. Of course names will be changed so as to not risk a beating by my idiot friends.

ME:  What is the one thing you’d like the blogging world to know about Jeb?

JEB:  That you got “Broomstick” from me (it’s in the book). Everybody needs something to laugh at, so it might as well be me. Also if they’ve got a sister, email me at—

ME:  And that’s enough for today. You can follow my buddy at JustJeb.


If you or someone you know has something to promote, like a blog or book or music; just email me at DO NOT PUT “SPAM” IN THE SUBJECT BAR.


11 responses

  1. This made me laugh so hard it woke my dad up (who was not very happy) “Just ask Megan. Hi!” Well Hello there … I should stop hitting on people you blog about … First your beautiful offspring and now this 😉 And I just said Hitting on!! Which I learnt from you, I don’t know what the English translation would be … Flirting :S

    October 3, 2011 at 6:16 am

    • Megan, he’s a NIGHTMARE. The whole time I wrote this he was sprawled out on my bed with his shoes on it which he knows I HATE, playing Angry Birds on his phone. Get him, Prince Charming and Junior together and they morph into a massive, annoying uber being from the planet Jackass.

      October 3, 2011 at 9:15 am

      • This has just full on cheered me up after a day of writing and licking envelopes for the Boss! Jeb, Prince Charming and Junior … I wouldn’t mind if you locked me in a room with them!! Plus … I am amazing at Angry Birds 😛 I am still laughing now!

        October 3, 2011 at 11:54 am

  2. Laughing at “cockblocked by a fictional character.”

    October 3, 2011 at 7:39 am

    • I’ve seen it happen live and boy, does he get PISSED. Seriously, like Rumpelstiltskin mad.

      October 3, 2011 at 9:19 am

  3. Very funny! I’m heading over to JustJeb right now, ’cause I think Firefly is awesome, too.

    October 3, 2011 at 9:26 am

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  5. I love reading about your Hellispawn!

    October 3, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    • That would be sooo awesome if their last names were Ellis! It’s not too late to change them I guess.

      October 3, 2011 at 7:59 pm

  6. haha, “I’m in between social relations right now”- I’m totally using this!

    October 3, 2011 at 10:00 pm

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