The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

All About Junior

Like every good middle child, Junior was beyond not happy when he found out that I wrote a post about his brother, Prince Charming and not him. Not wanting to tempt fate with another phone call from his school as a result of his attention seeking behavior, I promised Junior I’d write a post about him today. Yeah, easier said than done.

First, he insisted there be pictures because as he puts it he’s, “dead sexy.” The problem is I can never keep the boy in clothes (he’d be naked 24/7 if I let him), so pictures of him are hard to come by. I decided to include these pictures from when he was nine years-old as they do a great job of summing up the first half of Junior’s personality, which is an all encompassing love of music.

Now, onto the second half. It would take all day to list every consequence of his thrill seeking, sometimes oppositional, always comedic personality. So I thinkΒ  the best way to sum up Junior’s second half is to list every creature that has ever bitten, pinched, snapped or stung him (I left off obvious ones like black flies or mosquitos).


Wasps, yellow jackets, hornets, etc.
Scorpions (small Florida scorpions, not the big evil ones)
Fire ants (fell into a pile of them. It was awful).
Grub (I think. He was digging in the dirt and pulled this small, white circular thing off his finger. It bled like crazy).
Gila Monster (needed shots for this one)
Non-venomous snakes (not sure what kind. It was a friend’s pet)
Baby snapping turtle


Sea Urchin
Portuguese Man-O-War*
Crayfish (crawdads, mudbugs, etc).
Shark (not a great white but a Florida sand shark. It left a small, dog sized/shark mouth shaped bite on his foot. He hates that the scar faded).
Horseshoe crab (stepped on its barbed tail).
Sea Gull (tried to rescue it and it snapped).
Barracuda (caught it fishing, stuck his finger in its mouth on a dare).


Chickens, ducks, geese, various pet birds
Goat, sheep
Horse (nipped, not bit).
Hamsters, gerbils, mice, Guinea pig
Ferrets (needed a shot)

* If you ask him he’ll tell you that this was the one that hurt the most. Miraculously lifeguards identified it as a Portuguese Man-O-War and not a jellyfish, because first aid differs greatly between the two.

Luckily he’s never been bitten by simple things like bats, chipmunks or squirrels since a bite from one of them requires rabies shots. I’m sure there’s more, but this is all I can think of at the moment. He’s also been impaled on bicycle handlebars, but reckless teenage injuries are a post for another day.

34 responses

  1. Megan from college :P

    Us middle children πŸ˜› Were such a hand full!!

    October 4, 2011 at 6:18 am

    • You would really think I would learn my own email address! Soz Boss! Anyway Sea Gull? really? Animal clearly do not like this boy πŸ˜›

      October 4, 2011 at 11:49 am

  2. Not the Broth

    Add ‘Baoithein’ to the list, because the next time I see him, I’ll give him a chomp. Or maybe I’ll just sit and stare at him until he gets all twitchy and freaks out, but that won’t leave a scar. No, I’ll bite, because scarring Junior (emotionally as well as physically) is what I am on Earth to do…

    October 4, 2011 at 7:24 am

    • You know he’s still traumatized after the last time you were here!

      October 4, 2011 at 9:38 am

  3. Uhm… wow. Do you ever get shit done outside of an ER? When he’s 17 I recommend you take him to the recruiter. Sounds like exactly what we need in the Army.

    October 4, 2011 at 7:42 am

    • I got absolutely nothing done this summer because he was in and out of the ER or doctor’s office six times.
      1. Concussion after he went over his handlebars trying to jump something, I don’t know what. He also busted the edge off his front tooth for the THIRD time. This time insurance refused to cover the fake piece they fit back in so I’m out $700.
      2. Blew out his left eardrum after standing too close to an amp while he played his bass guitar.
      3. Dislocated his shoulder while doing some “totally ball-tastic parkour.”
      4. Poison Ivy (he had a case so bad even bleach didn’t work).
      5. Did something to his collarbone but I don’t remember what or how.
      6. Metal shard in his eye after he got a hold of his dad’s welder and tried to weld the frame back together on his buddy’s truck.

      It’s also funny you mention a recruiter, because just the other day he announced that he’s going to join whatever branch of the military that lets you jump out of planes and burn stuff to the ground. I told him “Coast Guard” and then watched his brain slam into his skull.

      October 4, 2011 at 9:30 am

  4. It might’ve been easier to list the things that haven’t chomped on him.

    October 4, 2011 at 7:50 am

    • I think you’re right.

      October 4, 2011 at 9:39 am

  5. Holy crap…pretty sure middle child syndrome is amazing. Its only my brother and I, but my brother in law is a middle kid and they are a sepcial breed.

    October 4, 2011 at 9:41 am

    • I agree since everything he does he makes sure he has an audience for. I guess it’s the attention thing.

      October 4, 2011 at 9:43 am

  6. Junior… Hahahahaahha. He’s had a few, um… Adventures?

    October 4, 2011 at 10:55 am

    • That’s what I call them. His parole officer however…:)

      October 4, 2011 at 5:34 pm

  7. You could just stick him in a bubble and charge people admission…Amazing Wonder Boy Who is Still Alive.

    October 4, 2011 at 11:49 am

    • I asked, but he only agreed on the condition that he got to be naked.

      October 4, 2011 at 5:35 pm

  8. TheIdiotSpeaketh

    Sounds like he is well on his way to building up all kinds of material for his own future blog…..

    October 4, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    • He’s got something like that on YouTube. It’s HILARIOUS.

      October 4, 2011 at 5:37 pm

  9. Glad I stopped at One child, although our family seems so bland next to yours! I was a middle child, but did the opposite…my older sister caused trouble and took all the heat while I kept the peace and kept my mouth shut!

    October 4, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    • Oh God…if Junior were the oldest there would have been no more!

      October 4, 2011 at 5:36 pm

  10. So I’m confused… how many kids do you have, and what kinds of awesome are they? And is that you in the last picture? And who is everyone? blah! I don’t know stuff!

    October 4, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    • “Prince Charming” is my oldest son and he’s 17, my son “Junior” is 14 and my daughter “Mini Me” is 11.

      I can see where it gets confusing, because I’m sure I’ve inadvertently mentioned other kids somewhere. At any given time I have my kids and at least one of their friends living with me. Somehow my place became the town halfway house for kids who’s parents kick them out.

      And that’s not me in the picture, I’m the one taking it. You can tell because the camera is pointing up. I’m absurdly small.

      And they are exactly three kinds of awesome. πŸ™‚

      October 4, 2011 at 8:30 pm

  11. Madison Woods

    Whew, and I thought *my* middle child was rough. Sounds like you’ve got a great family, sure to give you plenty entertainment into your granny years πŸ˜‰

    October 4, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    • Oh God…Granny years…*whimper*

      October 4, 2011 at 8:37 pm

  12. Oh Hellis, you’ve got nothing to worry about in the ‘granny’ department for many, many years, assuming Junior doesn’t do something on a dare.

    October 4, 2011 at 10:15 pm

    • So THIS is what a panic attack feels like…

      October 5, 2011 at 5:38 am

      • I am sure you wont be a granny for a long time, I know if your anything like my mum she has said were not aloud kids! Ahaha πŸ˜›

        October 5, 2011 at 5:46 am

      • Ha – I first read that as ‘picnic attack’ – I wonder what that would involve, exactly…

        October 5, 2011 at 7:21 am

  13. Madison Woods

    Haha, sorry about the panic attack. I panicked, too, when I first got the news…but being a granny hasn’t been as bad as I’d expected. In fact, I’ve come to rather like the experience…but they are forbidden to call me ‘granny’!

    October 5, 2011 at 9:50 am

  14. Sounds like a great kid! Good job.

    October 11, 2011 at 10:03 am

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