The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Conversations With My Mother — Part Three

Scene: It’s my mother’s birthday and she’s just received a package in the mail from my aunt Claudina.

MOM: (opens present, sneers in disgust) “Oh that’s just great.”

ME: “What is it?”

MOM: “It’s a CD. Celine Dion.”

ME: “Uh…ok. I didn’t know you had such a problem with Celine Dion. Glad to know for once we agree on something.”

MOM: “Of course I have a problem with her. She tore up a picture of the Pope.”

ME: “She did? I never heard of her doing that. When did this happen?”

MOM: “Oh, it was years ago, on that show there…the funny one your father used to watch, you know which one I’m talking about.”

ME: “No, mom as usual I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

MOM: “You know, the show with the Church Lady…your father watched it every Saturday…”

ME: (comprehension slowly washes over me) “Mom…are you talking about Saturday Night Live?”

MOM: “YES! That was it. She tore up a picture of the Pope on that show.”

ME: (laughing) “No she didn’t. That was Sinead O’Connor.”

MOM: “Sinead O’ Who?”

ME: “Sinead O’Connor. She’s a singer from Ireland. She’s the one who tore up the picture, not Celine Dion.”

MOM: “OH!!! Well then, let’s listen to the CD.”


23 responses

  1. These make me laugh so hard!

    October 6, 2011 at 1:24 pm

  2. Funny…your mom and my mom should meet. They could both chastise Celine AND the evilness of Bart Simpson….

    October 6, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    • Oh God don’t get me started on her Simpson’s rants. Second only to Southpark.

      October 6, 2011 at 4:25 pm

  3. Heh

    October 6, 2011 at 2:04 pm

  4. TheIdiotSpeaketh

    Mom is a riot! 🙂

    October 6, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    • Said the man who’s never had to stand in line with her at the grocery store, cringing in horror as she verbally abuses the check out boy for allowing the sale of magazines that incorrectly portray the girls from The Jersey Shore as Italian. For the record, they’re not. The guys however…

      October 6, 2011 at 4:32 pm

  5. I’m putting on Kenny G’s Christmas album right now.

    October 6, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    • Would you like me to call the police? Because clearly you are at gunpoint.

      October 6, 2011 at 7:36 pm

  6. Too funny. Two years ago I did a hack post on Madonna, and also accused her of ripping up the pic of the Pope. Guess Sinead just can’t catch a memory break.

    October 6, 2011 at 7:58 pm

  7. I’m pretty sure Barbara Streisand was in on that Pope-ripping bit, too.

    October 6, 2011 at 9:38 pm


      October 6, 2011 at 9:39 pm

  8. Oh… My… God… Another Celine Dion hater…. I think I’m having a bit of a crush on you … unless you’re a man, in which case I’m vomiting from the previous sentiment. When are you gonna shine a light in whatever closet you live in, H?

    October 6, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    • I’ve got something in the works, believe me. It’s all part of my master plan.

      October 6, 2011 at 10:00 pm

  9. “My heart will go on”…someone’s mantel.

    October 6, 2011 at 10:56 pm

  10. Which reminds me…Los Straitjackets (check ’em out, they’re cool–surf music and Mexican wrestling masks) do a great cover of “My Heart Will Go On”

    Gawd, your mother is my future self, I fear!

    October 7, 2011 at 1:22 pm

  11. savorthefolly

    Celine Dion. What a waste of talent. That lady has an amazing voice and yet she sings such shitty songs.

    October 7, 2011 at 1:33 pm

  12. Ugh…can’t we rid the world of Celine Dion? really? We need a campaign “Stop Celine” I’m in…we’ll torch the Paris in Vegas

    October 7, 2011 at 1:37 pm

  13. Too good. It’s scary because I’ve so been there.

    October 7, 2011 at 10:30 pm

  14. I don’t know if it’s proper blogging etiquette, but I’ve been sharing “Things My Parents Actually Said” on Facebook for a while and I may need to hijack your idea and turn my collection into a blog post. Also, I’m fairly certain our mothers were separated at birth. Does this sound familiar?

    Mom: I really like that black shirt you have.
    Me: The Liz Claiborne one?
    Mom: No . . .
    Me: The one that buttons up the front?
    Mom: No . . .
    Me: Those are the only black shirts I have.
    Mom: The one you wore to work yesterday.
    Me: The green one?
    Mom: Yes, that looks so nice on you.

    October 9, 2011 at 2:52 am

    • Help yourself to anything you see here. And yes, that could TOTALLY be my mother!

      October 9, 2011 at 8:19 am

  15. Celine Dion is the Devil! Just sayin’….

    October 10, 2011 at 3:33 pm

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  17. Bahahahaha! Moms…

    October 11, 2011 at 11:51 am