The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Confessions Of A Star Wars Virgin

19fk32sw3nt1wjpgI have a confession to make. I’ve never seen Star Wars. Or The Empire Strikes Back. Or Return of the Jedi.

So on the prompting of a certain wunderkind who calls himself  THE ELITE I’ve decided to actually sit down and watch these movies back to back. I’m leaving now to watch Star Wars and I’ll return to the post with an assessment when I’m done.


600full-star-wars-episode-v-the-empire-strikes-back-posterFirst, I need to apologize for all the SciFi geek jokes I’ve made over the course of my life, because that movie friggin’ ROCKED!!!!

So Han was hot and all but Luke was super annoying. I honestly don’t know how Han didn’t just kick him off the Millennium Falcon on day one. I also wanted to smack C3PO upside the head throughout most of the movie.

But if you ask me, what made the entire film was Chewbacca. Honestly, if I’d known more about his character it wouldn’t have taken me so long to see this movie. He’s the only one that makes any sense and he doesn’t have a single coherent line of dialogue! Now, onto EMPIRE!


Totally did not see the whole Han/Leia romance angle coming, although I probably should have. Leia’s every bit the “denies/doesn’t show romantic emotions” pain in the ass I am.

Return-of-the-Jedi-Movie-PosterLando’s kind of a dick, but my boy Chewbacca nearly tears him to pieces so that was wicked awesome. I also wish at some point Yoda would have kicked Luke’s whiny ass right into the swamp. Best of all I FINALLY got to see the “Luke, I am your father” scene I’ve always heard people talk about.

But the part that pissed me off most was that at the end of the movie Han is still frozen. I suppose I’m not so upset about it for my sake, seeing as I’m about to watch the next movie in a moment, but I can’t imagine what it must have been like back in the day when people had to wait years for it to hit the theaters. Alright, time to bring on JEDI!



Please all you fans out there, tell me the whole reveal of the “Luke/Leia twin” thing was a late to the table script add-on and not part of the original story arc. Because I went back and skimmed through Empire looking for a specific moment I was sure I saw and……..yeah.

As usual, Chewy rocked. Jabba was awesome and the Ewoks were…well, let’s just say they were cute, but I’m trying to understand why they were necessary. And…I kind of wish Luke didn’t take off Vader’s mask, but that’s just me.

All in all I’d have to say that the movies were excellent, even though I watched them after seeing more recent CGI fueled films like Transformers. And while I doubt I’ll be attending any conventions any time soon, I finally understand how the fans are as dedicated to the films as they are.

Now, my original plan was to watch the next three movies or prequels tomorrow; but my boys made me promise to wait a couple of days. They said they want the euphoria of me finally getting to see the original three wear off before I watched the next ones and got really, really mad.

Whatever that means.


28 responses

  1. I’ve never been able to get into Star Wars that much, I might have to give it another go eventually but for now the Family Guy versions will do haha.

    October 9, 2011 at 5:57 am

    • Up until yesterday that’s basically all I knew of them. I think it’s possible that I saw at least the first one as a kid, but I don’t remember. I’m kind of bummed that I didn’t get to see them on the big screen though.

      October 9, 2011 at 9:16 am

  2. I haven’t seen Return of the Empire Wars since they came out. But at least I have already seen ’em…

    October 9, 2011 at 8:58 am

    • Man, I wish I thought of that!

      October 9, 2011 at 9:14 am

  3. Congratulations on losing your cherry. I’m so proud of you.

    October 9, 2011 at 9:21 am

    • * spewing coffee down front of shirt * 😉

      October 9, 2011 at 9:26 am

  4. The message I got from this whole thing is that when the mother and father are out of the picture, brothers and sisters sometimes get freaky with each other. Also, no matter how evil you are, if you feel bad about it later, all is forgiven! Hooray! And finally, for added commentary, I would recommend you – and this is NOT a joke – rent and watch the movie Clerks. It is hilarious, first of all, but it has some poignant commentary about Star Wars in there somewhere.

    And then I would recommend, instead of watching the first three movies, by which I mean chronologically, or the three you haven’t seen yet – and this is ALSO not a joke – purchase Lego Star Wars for whatever platform you have in your house and play that instead. You’ll see what happened in the movies, but when you get disgusted with one of the characters, you can beat the shit out of them repeatedly.

    October 9, 2011 at 10:59 am

    • Yikes…I have five brothers and all I can say is now I’m glad my parents never left us alone. Evil or not, I rarely feel bad about anything so I guess I’d make a good storm trooper (their uniforms are white. I enjoy the irony).

      Clerks? Are you kidding? BERZERKER is the ringtone I set up for when my ex calls me. And I’m a total spaz when it comes to stacking LEGOs so I think I need to get a Civil Engineering Degree before I take your advice (I recently learned what that is and I’ve been dying to use it in a sentence ever since).

      October 9, 2011 at 11:13 am

      • There’s not much stacking in Lego video games. More destruction, really. You strike me as the type of person who enjoys destruction.

        October 9, 2011 at 10:21 pm

  5. They are really fun movies. Don’t bother with the prequels – truly, don’t sully the experience.

    The ewoks was an interesting idea, but the execution was awful. Lucas wanted a sort of Vietnam metaphor, in which the massive military power is unable to beat the less-technological society who has the will to survive. Not only is it a not-entirely-apt analogy, but the ewoks were just so stupid and cutesy it grinds the film to a halt. Apparently it was originally going to be Chewbacca’s planet, but then the low-tech part wouldn’t make sense since Wookies can fly space ships and such.

    The more you know.

    October 9, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    • Wow. I wonder if the Vietnamese people know about this. As an Italian, I liken it to Lucas creating a WWII metaphor based on a military comprised entirely of Super Mario Brothers clones.

      On second thought…

      October 9, 2011 at 1:16 pm

  6. savorthefolly

    You don’t show romantic feelings? Coulda fooled me. You just got a case of the ‘only knows how to play like a boy so when she likes a boy she shows it by punching him.’

    congrats on losing your virginity. we don’t get many chances to say that about ourselves anymore so it’s best to savor these moments.

    October 9, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    • Spot. Friggin’. On, Doc.

      October 9, 2011 at 9:04 pm

  7. I was gonna say… I was about ready to take your Almost a Guy Card away. But now you’ve seen them.

    October 9, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    • I did get slightly girly at some of the Han Solo scenes, I have to admit.

      October 9, 2011 at 9:05 pm

  8. I pretty much grew up watching Star Wars, so glad you finally saw them. I think my first crush was on Han Solo. Maybe just skip the prequels though…just sayin’.

    October 9, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    • I’ve been told that’s good advice.

      November 22, 2012 at 11:18 pm

  9. You saw the right 3 movies. I say stop now before you ruin it.

    October 9, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    • I must admit I am curious to discover who this Jar Jar Binks is everyone is so up in arms about.

      November 22, 2012 at 11:19 pm

  10. You’ll see….

    October 10, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    • Uh oh…

      November 22, 2012 at 11:19 pm

  11. I disagree. I watched almost all of them last year with my son (holding out on the last prequel) and they were awesome. Seeing them all together makes a difference.

    October 10, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    • Maybe I’ll do that- watch them all together. I hear surround sound helps.

      November 22, 2012 at 11:20 pm

  12. kat

    The prequels. Yeah. You thought the Ewoks were annoying? Wait until you suffer the anguish that is Jar Jar Binks. The best thing you can do is mute your TV and close your eyes.

    October 10, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    • Becca Ne'

      I’ll second that assessment!

      December 5, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    • And…so much for the surround sound.

      November 22, 2012 at 11:20 pm

  13. I’ve always refused to watch Star Wars. Maybe I’ll add it to my list of movies to watch. It might go straight to the bottom though.

    December 2, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    • They weren’t bad, but I get the feeling that if you weren’t around for the theater release or aren’t a prepubescent boy the magic is somehow lost on you.

      December 2, 2011 at 8:04 pm