The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

And Now For Something Completely Different…

I’ve decided to do something a little different with my post today. I think it’s finally time to give all of you a glimpse into my very, very weird world. Starting with my Busey Clock. Yes, you read that right.

BUSEY. MOTHERF*CKING. CLOCK.

As you can see this clock has Mr. Gary Busey’s face on every hour as well as on the ends of the arms, adding “action” to the “menacing” quality of the Busey Clock. There is no rhyme or reason for this clock; no birthday or holiday with which to celebrate that would be improved by the addition of a Busey Clock. But like everything else in my world, it exists purely out of sheer awesomeness. Sadly, the Busey Clock is not for sale, as it is a custom item created for me by my very disturbed and often intoxicated best friend, better known in the comments as “Not the Broth.” Now onto number two:

THE STAIRS THAT LEAD TO NOWHERE.

What you don’t know about real world me is that real world me is a cheap bastard, and I refuse to pay money for something I can either fix/craft/jerry-rig myself or get for free (my proudest moments are when I can actually maneuver enough to get PAID to do what I want). I see no point in joining a gym and paying for a membership when I live in one of the most visually stunning and outdoor friendly environments in world. So you can imagine my absolute glee the day I discovered the stairs that lead to nowhere.

For some reason that I’ve yet to understand, there are two sets of marble and granite stairs in the middle of the 100 acres of forest behind my house. I’ve done the research at my town’s local historical society and the best I can figure is that they served some purpose to connect a trail leading from the road in front of my house to a long ago burned down monastery behind it. Whatever their purpose, I see no reason to pay for a gym membership to use a stair master when a perfectly good set of steps exists on property I already pay taxes on. As far as I’m concerned this is my own personal stairway to Scrooge heaven. And last but not least:

FRED.

(Hey Sparklebumps...if you look just to the right of Fred you'll see my pink bedroom)

I don’t remember exactly when we got Fred but it seems like he’s been with us forever, and my kids will tell you that no holiday is complete without him. Fred makes his appearance every October 1st and stays on through Christmas. He’s been known to sit at the dinner table with us for Thanksgiving and more than one Christmas I’ve woken up to find him sitting underneath the tree.

Here’s another thing you might not know about real world me. Real world me HATES Fred. Fred scares the crap out of real world me, so every damn year I try to throw him away and every damn year he’s right back with the Halloween decorations. I think Fred’s trying to kill me…

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39 responses

  1. Jonathan Borden

    I found the Stairs The Lead to Nowhere almost creepier than Busey and Fred combined! Pretty cool world that you inhabit, though.

    October 14, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    • Jonathan Borden

      *That, not The.

      October 14, 2011 at 7:00 pm

      • The only time I ever found the stairs creepy was the day I walked up and found a STEAMING pile of bear excrement at the top. I friggin’ RAN back to the house.

        October 15, 2011 at 9:12 am

  2. Fred is not out to get you , he loves you.
    And he looks pretty bad-ass.

    October 14, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    • Pound sand, fucker. You haven’t called me in a week.

      October 15, 2011 at 9:10 am

  3. Wow, you really are short! Just kidding. I love your hair! Where’s this ‘Fred’ you mentioned?

    October 14, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    • You’re hi-larious…

      October 15, 2011 at 9:13 am

  4. Not the Broth

    If it helps, Fred freaks my shit out too, but only when I’m sober… hence, very little fear of Fred.

    Busey be with you…

    October 14, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    • For what it’s worth, Fred’s afraid of the Busey Clock. And when is my Mel Gibson Clock getting here? Gary’s lonely.

      October 15, 2011 at 9:14 am

      • Not the Broth

        I need a better picture of Mel than the one I have. I’ll have to surf to find just the right one… actually, there are so MANY crazy Mel pics that I may have one for every hour…

        October 15, 2011 at 9:03 pm

  5. Fred totally fucking rocks. Tell Fred to come hang with me the rest of the year. As you know, I have another Fred here, but he’s a frog. With no pants. You should be lucky to have Awesome Fred in all his creepaliciousness. Pimp Daddy!

    Also, if Fred actually wanted you dead, you’d be that way already.

    October 14, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    • I think I wouldn’t mind Fred so much if Prince Charming didn’t feel the need to hang him in places like the bathroom, so as soon as I open the door there his is, right in my face. Yeah, I left the part where my kid is evil out of his post.

      October 15, 2011 at 9:17 am

  6. I do not like Fred.
    P.s. My shirt should be here Monday … I will email you.

    October 15, 2011 at 7:16 am

    • I CANNOT WAIT!!!!!

      October 15, 2011 at 9:17 am

      • I wilkll be fun mwahsshaha

        October 15, 2011 at 6:05 pm

        • Oh God, I apologise … note to self log out of WordPress before drinking.

          October 16, 2011 at 4:31 am

  7. Fred has his charms, the stairs to nowhere are certainly intersting, but the Busey clock absolutely rocks.

    October 15, 2011 at 8:52 am

    • Everybody loves the clock! My daughter took a picture of it to school and now her teacher wants one. I’m thinking if too many get made I’ll have to start paying Busey for image rights.

      October 15, 2011 at 9:19 am

      • I wouldn’t worry about it. Busey seems like a laid back kind of guy who would never go ballistic for any reason.

        October 15, 2011 at 10:09 am

  8. So much we have in common H E Ellis! I too have stairs to no where and love it. However, your stairs sound far more interesting than mine. I too live in a forest and have the pleasure of stepping in bear poop daily. I too am the cheapest person on the face of the planet! If something I want cost more than I want to pay, I will make it myself. Oh and I have a funky clock. Not near as cool as yours but funky as in I left it in front of the fire place one year and it turned out meltie-ish and a bit runny but still works.

    October 15, 2011 at 9:56 am

    • PLEASE post pictures! Especially of the clock. I thought I was the only one!

      October 15, 2011 at 10:03 am

  9. savorthefolly

    Holy shit I want that Busey clock! I’m gonna go make one myself.

    October 15, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    • You should. All the COOL kids have one…

      October 15, 2011 at 12:29 pm

  10. I want that clock!
    Les

    October 15, 2011 at 2:45 pm

  11. Loved your world. And Fred, what can I say. Have had a few Fred’s in my life and they scare me as well. But the steps are the best!

    October 15, 2011 at 2:54 pm

  12. I don’t have a cool clock or a set of stairs *burns with envy*

    Oh but my nickname was Fred when I was younger so I’ll hang onto that .. *sniffle*

    October 15, 2011 at 3:19 pm

  13. I have seen the light! And it’s coming from a room that is as bright as the sun! 🙂 Your pink room is awesome. As for the rest:
    Busey Clock is frickin’ awesome. I have a similiar clock with Mona Lisa on it, and one of the hands has her eye on it, so sometimes her eye is in the middle of her chin. Everyone who sees it says, “That’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen.” I love it.
    The stairs: it looks like a fairy tale!
    Fred: Fred is really fuckin’ scary. I don’t know what else to say.

    October 15, 2011 at 11:12 pm

  14. Imogen Shepard

    Love your post H.E, highly amusing! And if I was to wake one morning with one of my nearest and dearests having hung Fred in my bathrom as I walked in, I think the paramedics would have to be called in with a crash cart in tow.

    It looks absolutely stunning where you live H.E. Now that’s my idea of peace and quiet just hearing sounds of nature, especially as I’m up about 4am, that would be pure bloody bliss.

    I wouldn’t mind a clock if I could choose, either/and one of The Beatles and Oasis. Now that would be good. If your friend made it for you then maybe I’d be able to make one too. That’s a project I am storing in the vault.

    And ‘The Stairs’? I can already see a short story coming from that 😉

    October 16, 2011 at 12:30 am

  15. Fred reminds me of an old friend I used to have…I wondered where he had gotten to….oh, dear. As for the Busey clock? No words…seriously….I’m thinking a Travolta clock would be just as disturbing…

    October 16, 2011 at 8:38 am

    • Travolta…clock…too awesome to compute…

      October 16, 2011 at 8:54 am

  16. kat

    Busey clock. Interesting. And a bit disturbing. Like that Charlie Sheen mask I found at the Spirit Halloween store.

    October 16, 2011 at 11:05 am

    • Please post a pic of that!!!!!!!

      October 16, 2011 at 11:07 am

  17. I love your weird world haha. If you ever get hard up for cash, you should (earmuffs, Not the broth) totally auction your Busey clock off on e-bay.. you’d make a killing off that bad boy

    October 16, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    • Not the Broth

      No earmuffs necessary. I’m all for auctioning that mutha off to fund a northern border crossing road trip with her. She can promote the hell out of it if it will increase the bidding pool. Clocks come and go, but booze-fueled adventure memories last a life-time… at least, the ones you can remember…

      October 16, 2011 at 11:13 pm

      • You should do a flying east trip!! 😛 plenty of alcohol here not matter where you go!!

        October 17, 2011 at 4:36 am

      • You have NO IDEA how close I was to picking you up in the Metallicar and taking it out for one last spin before winter. River done pissed me off good this time. You supply the scotch, I’ll supply the fake the passports and we’ll head to Vancouver. Whatdya’ say?

        October 17, 2011 at 9:47 am

        • Not the Broth

          You know god damn well you had me at scotch… shenanigans and restraining orders, here we come! (Of course I think we should throw in some tomfoolery, for nostalgia. I’m thinking we renew some memories from the late 80’s or early 90’s? Maybe we’ll catch The Scorpions on tour again…) Do the boys know that you are planning a roadtrip with someone’s imaginary friend? I’ll drag her along, too, and you can both stalk younger men. I’ll be your drunken security, as long as you let me listen to my Sinatra for an hour a day.

          October 17, 2011 at 11:12 am

          • Not the Broth

            Oh, and I’m gonna need a single malt… you can just stuff that “blended” shit…

            October 17, 2011 at 11:14 am

            • Sounds good to me. We’ll bring the kid along as our designated minor.

              October 17, 2011 at 11:18 am