The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

For Women Only

Yes ladies, I’m shouting out to you. The Twilight Mommy-er the better. Because I’ve noticed something happening the last year or so that screams for an explanation.

Real world me works in the local school system, volunteers with children’s activities and coaches/consults on high school sports teams. At any given time I’ve got fifteen to twenty teenage boys staying/sleeping/living all over my house, and real world me is a legend among the women in my town because of it. I cannot tell you how many times women my age or older approach me and ask how I manage to keep my hormones to myself with that many boys around. What I ask them is:


So for all you ladies out there who think the younger guy is the way to go, let me give you a run down of my typical Saturday morning (keep in mind, most of these boys are over age eighteen):

6am: Wake up to ceiling plaster falling on my head because Junior cranked up his amp in order to demonstrate his latest Flea imitation with his new bass guitar. I text him to turn it down but he can’t hear the phone over the reverb.

6:15am: Step over a dozen boys crashed out on my living room floor on the way to the kitchen to make coffee, only to find grounds spread everywhere; my secret high-end coffee bag empty and tossed to the floor NEXT to the garbage can.

6:30am: I attempt to make a desperate phone call to the ex, begging for donuts and coffee but first have to wade through fifty plus messages left by the giggling girls calling Prince Charming (he shuts his cell phone off at night so he can get some sleep. Naturally they call the house instead).

6:45am: Go back to bed and wait for ten or more boys to take showers before I can get mine. Ladies, this is not as hot as you might think. Teenage boys smell worse coming out of the shower than they do when they went in. I don’t know how it happens, but it happens.

8:00am: Gather my clothes for a mad dash to the shower only to discover I have one remaining pair of “underthings” left in my drawer. I dig through the bathroom hamper to do a load of laundry and find most of my “underthings” missing. You heard me right, ladies. MISSING. I don’t even want to begin to think about why they’re doing that.

8:30am: The ex finally arrives with donuts for everyone and no coffee for me. The ex takes Mini Me for the day, and I listen to Prince Charming and half the superfluous boys tear out of the driveway in their ridiculously loud, lifted trucks. I go back to bed and listen to the remaining boys in the next room giggle and snicker about sex.

Now here’s where it all goes horribly, horribly wrong.

Ladies, they know NOTHING. Sure, they know body parts and what goes where, but beyond that they are completely oblivious about anything that makes sex great. Yeah…serve me up a big slice of THAT.

I’ve consulted with a few of my sisters-in-sin; SPARKLEBUMPS, LIFEINTHEFARCELANE and SAVOR THE FOLLY, and they are as lost for an explanation as I am. In my opinion males don’t begin to become remotely interesting until they’re at least forty thirty-nine (per JB). I mean it when I say that I’ll take gray around the temples over a hairless chest any day. So to all you Twilight-esque Moms I just have to ask:


80 responses

  1. I could rant for pages on the same topic, opposite view, but like you not make a dent in public perception. Much appreciated. What about ‘no hair on the temples’ ?

    October 19, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    • That’s even better. I read an article that said the reason hair falls out is because the surge in testosterone around age 40 tells the body to send blood…elsewhere. Thereby depriving the outermost cells, like hair. The same thing happens to lions so the females know that the maneless lions are the…manliest, so to speak.

      October 19, 2011 at 6:58 pm

      • That would explain a few things…

        October 23, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    • I’m sure you are very handsome brainrants, hair or no hair on the temples – I think you need not worry about it.

      October 19, 2011 at 10:00 pm

  2. Yeah, I’m with ya there, sister. Boys are just that..boys. Right for the 18year olds…not the 40somethings…just ewww….

    October 19, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    • THANK GOD I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE!!! I did make a mental list of the women who asked me, and almost 99% of them have only daughters or sons under 10 years old. There might be something to that.

      October 19, 2011 at 7:02 pm

  3. Oh, here’s why teen boys stink worse after showering: they get in, realize their dicks are fully accessible and that they have plausible deniability. They do what comes naturally, of course, but forget the whole “soap” thing. Meanwhile, the warmth and activity has got the bacteria going faster.

    That’s why.

    I know: “Eeeeeeeew.”

    October 19, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    • That explains soooo much! Like why they’re in there for an hour, but when they get out the soap is dry. I like to pound on the door and shout “JESUS SEES YOU, YOU KNOW.” I figure Savor will give them free therapy if I ask nicely.

      October 19, 2011 at 7:01 pm

      • Not the Broth


        October 19, 2011 at 7:53 pm

      • You should. That is far more believable than the hair-on-the-palms thing. Though the going blind part I’m undecided on, but thankful for Lasik eye surgery.

        October 23, 2011 at 12:28 pm

  4. This was the funniest damned thing I’ve read today. It is full of Amazeballs and Win.

    October 19, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    • And you are a fully loaded PEZ dispenser of awesomeness, my friend.

      October 19, 2011 at 7:11 pm

      • “Fully-Loaded Pez Dispenser of Awesomness.”

        I’ve never been big on titles, but I could live with this one.

        October 19, 2011 at 7:13 pm

  5. Great post! I don’t know how you do it. It would drive me crazy and yell for them all to get out! How often does this happen?

    October 19, 2011 at 7:10 pm


      I live in a very small, rural town in New Hampshire. My house is downtown, so all the kids who live out in the sticks take the bus or drive to my house so they can go downtown and hang out with friends. Then they “crash” here. There have been days where I’ve had to clean the floors with a shovel. Seriously.

      October 19, 2011 at 7:13 pm

      • Why do I have this vision of Harvey Keitel inspecting your house, then giving John Travolta and Sam Jackson instructions on how to take care of business?

        October 19, 2011 at 7:16 pm

        • You have no idea how close you are to being right. I’ve got an air-soft pistol that I carry around tucked into the back of my jeans. When I start telling kids to get moving and no one does, I start aiming for zippers. Let’s just say I’m a hell of a shot.

          October 19, 2011 at 7:22 pm

          • (0.o) you do what!?!?

            October 23, 2011 at 1:07 am

  6. Not the Broth

    Here’s a rule of thumb for you. If they can’t rattle off at least 5 single malts and 3 Sinatra tunes, they can’t be trusted in bed. That being said: Glenfiddich, Cragganmore, Dalwhinnie, Laphroaig and (of course) Talisker AND All of Me, High Hopes and Makin’ Whoopie. Plus, I look freakin’ FANTASTIC for my age and she’ll do anything to get me out of the house for a while. What ya’ thinking?

    October 19, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    • Wow…I guess I can’t be trusted in bed, because I didn’t know a single one of those.

      Now what am I thinking…what am I thinking…

      Here’s what I’m thinking. I’ve got a case a Corona, a bucket of hot wings and Steve Nash tearing up the court on my 60″ plasma screen. Why don’t you come on over and do me at halftime? How does that sound?

      October 19, 2011 at 7:33 pm

      • Not the Broth

        You’re a woman, the ‘bed-standards’ for you are different, those were the guy’d-lines (oh, yeah! Look at me makin’ up words!). How about I make you forget the game was even on? heh heh heh…

        October 19, 2011 at 7:51 pm

        • If you agree to speaking Gaelic then the answer’s YES.

          October 19, 2011 at 7:53 pm

          • Not the Broth

            An làmb a bheir, ‘s i a gheibh. 😉

            October 19, 2011 at 8:05 pm

            • Sorry. Google translate says you’re shit out of luck.

              October 19, 2011 at 8:12 pm

              • Not the Broth

                Póg mo thóin. :p So we’re selfish, eh? (There is something seriously wrong with the three of us, isn’t there…)

                October 19, 2011 at 8:22 pm

                • There’s nothing wrong with three of ANYTHING.


                  October 19, 2011 at 8:24 pm

  7. I’m not a mom, but I’ll give you my back story. I’m 54 and have enjoyed the company of a couple of younger men (though not at the same time) for a couple of years. One is 23 years younger than I am and the other is 16 years younger. I did not initiate the contact with either man. They are both very intelligent, quick witted and never fail to make me laugh. The strong libido, full head of hair and hard body is just icing on the cake. Oh yes, they both have hair on their chests. I was attracted to their intellects and that is what keeps me interested. I know neither is a serious relationship. However, men in my age group show no interest in me. They seem to prefer women much younger. So I could either remain alone and hope that some guy my age will give me a second look or enjoy the younger men who do find me attractive and aren’t afraid to make the first move as I would never consider making the first move with a much younger man.

    October 19, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    • I’m beginning to find that in my thirties the same holds true for me. Men my age want to date twenty year-olds, and the only men who ask me out are guys in their early twenties. Most of whom haven’t left the “jackass” phase of their development yet.

      The males you speak of in your post, though younger, I would still consider men. They obviously know a quality woman when they meet one, and aren’t interested in taking you to dinner at Hooters and flirting with the waitresses in order to undermine your self-esteem, thus making you easier to bed. Yeah, that’s just the kind of genius I hear floated around my house thrice daily.

      October 19, 2011 at 7:30 pm

      • savorthefolly

        Well that would pretty much kill it for me. I won’t attempt to deny that young men are fun to look at – they’re absolute eye candy. But then they open their mouth and…. Yeah…..after hearing that you’re repulsed by them. But even if a guy that was reasonably mature, I just can’t imagine feeling anything for them other than what I feel for say, Elite. He’s a nice young man, I hope someday my daughter might date someone like him. But for me? Naw……

        October 19, 2011 at 9:19 pm

        • I agree completely (and for the record, this wasn’t one of my kids who said it). The closest I’ve ever come to attraction toward one of them was thinking to myself, “Now that’s the one I’d have liked when I was his age.” Certainly not now. Too much drama. Let their own mother’s raise them.

          October 19, 2011 at 9:25 pm

          • or you think to yourself, “shhhhh….stop talking…’re ruining it for me.”

            October 19, 2011 at 9:52 pm

            • YOU READ MY FREAKING MIND!!!!!

              October 19, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    • savorthefolly

      I say you go girl! Do the math these are men in their 30’s? I’ll remember this when I’m 50 something.

      October 19, 2011 at 7:35 pm

      • Oddly enough, younger men tell me there is too much drama with women their age or younger. They find strong, confident, independent women very sexy.

        October 19, 2011 at 7:41 pm

        • What are you waiting for? Send one my way!

          October 19, 2011 at 7:45 pm

  8. *grabs popcorn*

    October 19, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    • I saw a movie once where a girl reached into a bucket of popcorn on some dude’s lap and yeah…

      October 19, 2011 at 7:39 pm

      • Yeah, and then what? He told her he loved her? He whispered sweet nothings? He swept her off her feet and they lived happily ever after? An Alanis Morrissette song broke out?

        October 19, 2011 at 7:57 pm

  9. savorthefolly

    I’m sitting here with a girlfriend and she just added, “sometimes it’s fun to be the teacher.”. Hmmmmmm……I think I’d rather engage in conversation with an experienced an cunning linguist.

    October 19, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    • I can always count on you for the double entendres. 😉

      October 19, 2011 at 7:40 pm

  10. I move that we strike the phrase “at least forty”, and replace with “at least thirty-nine.” That is all.

    October 19, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    • Done and done. 🙂

      October 19, 2011 at 9:18 pm

  11. talker96

    I saw that the title was “For Women Only” so I thought I’d throw in my two cents. Speaking as a 32 year old man who tells people he’s 28 but still has the body of an 18 year old but is told he probably has the mentality of a 12 year old(12 year old geniuses) I can only ask one question…..
    Your kids still listen to the Red Hot Chili peppers? What year is this, 1992? Did the movie Reality Bites just come out? I mean…..Flea?
    Anyways, good post……uh, the same goes for single guys with 2 kids(like me) and teenage girls that are 18. We can’t stand they way they look or smell after a shower either……yeah……cant stand it….

    October 19, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    • Yup. The kid loves Flea. And Lemmy. And George Harrison. Thank God he’s not into Eric Clapton or I’d have to kick him in the balls.

      After seeing some of the girls my kid Prince Charming brings home I’ve backed off on the older guy judgment. I was cute in school, but these girls are seriously hot. I forgive you and all men your age your naughty, naughty thoughts.

      October 19, 2011 at 9:50 pm

  12. What naughty thoughts? When I was that age, we just called them ‘thoughts’.

    October 19, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    • I suppose you’re right. Once men get THAT thought they’re all the same age.

      October 19, 2011 at 11:02 pm

  13. ellielawson

    I don’t think I knew I was a sexual being until I’d been devoured by a man twenty years older than me. Before that it was all zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I can’t vouch for anyone else, but what works for me is all the wisdomy yumminess that only age can give you.

    October 20, 2011 at 2:24 am

    • I knew I liked you!

      October 20, 2011 at 12:28 pm

  14. Me and Teenage boys right now are not friends, I do not get how you do it, mine (as in my boyfriend) has been back 24 hours and I could punch him, mainly for saying he was tired so I could not stay up and talk to prince charming, but waking me up at 2 o’clocking in the morning because he could not sleep because he was in a different timezone!! Getting onto the issue of sex … I am not even going to started!! (sorry for the rant)

    October 20, 2011 at 3:25 am

    • It’s alright. Rant away!

      October 20, 2011 at 12:32 pm

      • I could give them all lesson, I seem to have taught mine pretty well!! I do not actually mean that in the way it sounds… I mean talk to them … OMG I have a body book that explains perfectly … this could be useful! As for the shower thing … Ben spends a long time in the shower too -_-

        October 20, 2011 at 2:16 pm

  15. I’d frickin’ beat the hell out of ALL of them for stealing your undies! And say, “If you want something to jizz on while your in the shower, get your OWN Victoria’s Secret card!” Now we must write posts on the ridiculous old old men who hit on young chics…

    October 20, 2011 at 9:49 am


      I thought they were pretending they got laid by some girl at school, and were playing them off like a trophy; sort of like in Sixteen Candles! Oh God I need a shower.

      And yes, we need that post too.

      October 20, 2011 at 9:58 am

      • I always assume the worst…

        October 20, 2011 at 11:35 am

        • After your comment I called the ex to ask him what he thought they were doing, and he gave me an answer that I REALLY didn’t want to hear. I’m just going to go with yours.

          October 20, 2011 at 11:41 am

          • I am guessing it was something along the lines of boys’ fantasies about “cougarism”….

            October 20, 2011 at 2:18 pm

            • That was the first half of it. I’m going to put this next part as delicately as possible:

              My ex said the reason they chose the ones specifically out of the hamper had to do with adding another “sense” to the experience. I’m gagging as I type this, by the way. Boys are disgusting.

              October 20, 2011 at 4:33 pm

              • HAHA! I bet maybe they wouldn’t come back if the next time they came over you ran around the house like a crazy screaming, “panty sniffers! Panty sniffers! Panty sniffers!”

                October 21, 2011 at 8:57 am

                • OMG. If your Rockstar doesn’t marry you I will. You’re the best.

                  October 21, 2011 at 9:12 am

                  • Just print out a sign with a pair of panties covered by a red circle and a line, and lay it on top of the pile in the hamper, with the added caption, “THIS MEANS YOU.”

                    October 21, 2011 at 9:19 am

                  • 🙂 Ok, I’ll marry you. But I think that may have the opposite effect on the boys’s fantasies than we’re trying to accomplish here.

                    October 21, 2011 at 11:27 am

                    • I agree with Sparkle, and it’s time for my shower…

                      October 23, 2011 at 12:34 pm

                    • Don’t be yucky, Brain. I know what you’re thinking.

                      October 23, 2011 at 6:15 pm

  16. sharon

    The other day there was a boy with black hair in your driveway on a motorcycle. He had a beard already so I consider him fair game. Awfully handsome that one. Is he one of yours? Sons I mean.

    October 20, 2011 at 11:23 am

  17. NO.

    Black hair, beard and motorcycle is the ex. For some reason all my kids are blonde.

    October 20, 2011 at 11:32 am

  18. kat

    Having lived with a four-years-younger brother . . . having to put up with him when he was a teenager . . . once, as punishment, having to clean his room . . .

    I agree. Boys are gross.

    October 20, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    • I feel your pain.

      October 20, 2011 at 5:33 pm

  19. You should add “hairy ears” to “greying temples”. It’s the true sign of maturity and patient, appreciative expertise.

    Best post from anyone, including me, in ages!!!!

    October 20, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    • Glad you liked it! To quote my good friend Savor the Folly; “Young guys are good at having lots and lots of one minute sex.”

      Yeah, so not interested.

      October 20, 2011 at 6:38 pm

      • thank you. yes that is in fact a Savor original. my favorite, however, which I cannot claim as my own is, “a man should never talk for longer then he can make love.” might want to pass that one onto the fellas staying at your place. it might help you get more sleep in the mornings.

        October 20, 2011 at 7:14 pm

  20. @ daytonward: GOOD IDEA!!! I also thought of switching to boxers to really screw with them.

    Please tell me this isn’t something grown men do. With the one exception of the panty lifting dilemma I have teen boys pretty well figured out. Grown men, on the other hand, are a complete and total mystery to me. I don’t think I can handle any more surprises.

    October 21, 2011 at 9:47 am

  21. Damn I’m still laughing my head off xD !!!…… despite being the demographic you’re talking about :-/. And brainrants , you’re supposed to keep that stuff to your self …. there’s a code…. I think.

    October 23, 2011 at 1:19 am

  22. Well done, sir! I hope you get some helpful answers from all the pretty female readers out there.

    October 23, 2011 at 8:10 am

  23. I would sooooooo write a ‘How to get the most out of your teenage boyfriend ;)’ book but I kinda promised four books ahaha need to write them first 😛

    October 23, 2011 at 1:33 pm

  24. Oh, dear god. Are my peers actually like this? Just… Ew. I often wonder whether I’m the freak in my social circle for being nice, but I’d prefer that to whatever hellish, moronic mindset these people have…

    October 23, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    • If this is normal, then consider yourself “Superior.”

      October 23, 2011 at 4:50 pm

  25. all VERY enjoyable. thanks for the read. too much “meat” here to comment on…wouldn’t know where to begin. continue…

    November 6, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    • Thanks. 🙂

      November 6, 2011 at 9:17 pm