The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Shit My Kid Does – Volume Four

Actual phone call from my fourteen year-old son’s middle school Vice Principal on March 31, 2010:

VP: “Hello, Ms. Ellis?”

ME: (Sighs…)

VP: “This is a pre-emptive call based on a recent rumor circulating concerning Junior’s plans for tomorrow.”

ME: “Tomorrow? Are you calling me to tell me you’re punishing Junior in the future now?”

VP: “I’d like to remind you that tomorrow is April 1st, Ms. Ellis.”

ME: “Of…course it is.”

VP: “Yes, yes. My call is to ask for your cooperation by making sure Junior doesn’t leave the house with anything inappropriate or….flammable, perhaps.

ME: “Yes, I can assure you that I will watch Junior like a hawk before he leaves for school tomorrow.



JUNIOR: (laughing) “Absolutely nothing.”

ME: “Yeah, I’m not buying it. No one who laughs like that is innocent.”

JUNIOR: “I’m serious. I didn’t do a thing. I sat in class all day and paid total attention. My teacher kept looking at me, waiting for me to do something but I never did. I just smiled and said, ‘Yes, Ma’am’ to everything she asked. By the end of the day she was all twitchy-like. It was awesome.” 

ME: (thinks for a moment, then shakes head) “Screw it, kid. You’re a genius.”

42 responses

  1. Sweet.

    “The best joke of all…was the joke that never came.” — BJ Hunnicutt, M*A*S*H: “The Joker Is Wild.”


    November 2, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    • I’m not sure if he’s ever seen that show. I’ll have to find it on Netflix.

      November 2, 2011 at 8:38 pm

  2. hahhahhaa that kid is awesome. as soon as I saw the maniacal laughing I knew exactly where it was going

    November 2, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    • Oh he’s something, alright.

      November 2, 2011 at 8:43 pm

  3. Awesomesauce. You rock. Five stars.

    November 2, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    • *grins wider and pushes past the awesomesauce cart*

      November 2, 2011 at 9:05 pm

  4. No question. He is a genius.

    November 2, 2011 at 9:50 pm

  5. That he is. Now, if I could just get him to use his powers for GOOD.

    November 2, 2011 at 9:59 pm

  6. kat

    That WAS genius!

    November 2, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    • He’s a pissah.

      November 3, 2011 at 4:39 am

  7. I’ve been browsing through the posts on your blog.
    Definitely your kid.

    Rock on, young man.

    November 2, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    • Yes, I always tell people that if I allow myself to take credit for Prince Charming, then I’m forced to take responsibility for Junior.

      November 3, 2011 at 4:38 am

  8. Seems like I just told someone that very thing – better to make someone flip out with anticipation forever than to actually do something. Great. Way better than switching salt and strychnine!

    November 2, 2011 at 11:23 pm

    • I read what you wrote just after I published this. Brainwaves, remember?

      November 3, 2011 at 4:39 am

  9. Les

    Your son is the Ninja Warrior of Mind Control.
    Be aware.

    November 3, 2011 at 1:16 am

    • I am NOT going to tell him you said this.

      November 3, 2011 at 4:40 am

      • He’s the next Ashton Kutcher. He’ll have a prank show, be on two hit sitcoms, and knock up an older woman. I know Kutcher didn’t knock up Demi Moore, but your son is really competitive.

        November 3, 2011 at 6:41 am

        • Oh God, that’s all I need. TWO of him.

          November 3, 2011 at 10:16 am

    • AGREED.

      November 3, 2011 at 1:21 pm

  10. I was at the dealership getting my car serviced when I read this on my phone…I think I now have a reputation at the dealership as “the weird lady who laughs at her phone out loud”…thanks.

    November 3, 2011 at 6:30 am

    • Glad I could help!

      November 3, 2011 at 10:17 am

  11. I love the fact that sitting and paying attention isn’t his normal behavior…

    November 3, 2011 at 9:04 am

    • You have no idea.

      November 3, 2011 at 10:17 am

  12. Very nice, maybe your son should get into politics.

    November 3, 2011 at 10:16 am

    • That’s all we need… 🙂

      November 3, 2011 at 10:28 am

  13. Your kid is starting to grow on me.

    November 3, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    • He has that effect on people.

      November 3, 2011 at 1:13 pm

  14. I have though about you all today , especially prince charming, nice post cheered up a really crappy day 🙂

    November 3, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    • I’ll send him to chat. 🙂

      November 3, 2011 at 4:22 pm

  15. princessvonvoodoo

    I would love to high-five you.

    November 3, 2011 at 8:34 pm


      November 3, 2011 at 8:36 pm

  16. Too funny! I think I like that kid of yours!!

    November 4, 2011 at 9:04 pm

  17. agreed, he is a genius. continue…

    November 5, 2011 at 3:31 am

  18. savorthefolly

    You know after having such an intense conversation about raising children, I can’t help but shake my head and smile. I know he’s supposedly misbehaving – but it seems like the kind of light hearted and genious fun that is part of a rich and creative childhood. Obviously you’re doing an amazing job with your kids. I’ll be taking notes. Lots of them.

    November 5, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    • You are too kind. 🙂

      November 5, 2011 at 8:33 pm

  19. Thats absolutely great!

    November 6, 2011 at 4:43 pm

  20. That IS ingenious. A source of inspiration for us all :).

    November 11, 2011 at 5:55 am

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  23. So they are learning life skills in schools? Funny post

    December 1, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    • They’ve got a great sense of humor there, that’s for sure.

      December 1, 2011 at 7:57 pm