The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Yellow SPaM

The recent death of Andy Rooney has left today’s media with the loss of his signature commentaries. So I’ve decided to use today’s SPaM post to feature a name you’re likely to see more and more in the upcoming days. A man whose name is synonymous with ethical, responsible journalism and whose reputation for excellence in reporting current events rivals the standards set by greats like Cronkite, Murrow and Rivera. Ladies and Gentleman I give you….Talker96.

Thank you, it’s a pleasure to be here.

Quick little factoid before we start off though, Andy Rooney, while his death was very sad, he has actually been dead for a few years now. CBS panicked and covered it up when he died, then his body was placed in a cryogenic freezer somewhere in Scottsdale, Az. The reports you saw these last few years were spliced and edited clips from his past commentaries. How he died is where the mystery lies though. A lot of people said the head of CBS killed him after finding Andy in bed with his wife, but I have my doubts as it seems to easy of an explanation and Andy was A-sexual. The person I think is responsible for the murder of Andy Rooney is Pedro Palomar, a South American drug lord with ties to Scientology (where a large portion of his drug profits go). If you want to learn more about the case you should check out the Wesley Snipes actioner, Drop Zone, which is loosely based on Rooney’s life.

That being said, thank you for the wonderful opening, I agree that more people should be hearing my name. Now lets get to the questions shall we?

**** 1. One of your timelier articles tackles the controversial subject of bi-curious penguins. What did you learn from your research into the secret lives of potentially homosexual arctic foul, and do you feel their struggles for acceptance into mainstream society has had a causative effect on the repeal of the United States Military’s “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy?

Great question. Let’s see, when that piece was written Penguins were having a hard time gaining any ground with society. They had just been hit hard with two separate population killers, the Bird Flu and then a year later, Penguin A.I.D.S. They were struggling to survive and at the same time trying to just figure out their place in this crazy world. When scientists went down to the Arctic for the study you spoke of they found they were not necessarily Homosexual, just a little bi-curious, and that usually only lasted a few years(scientists also found a U.F.O buried deep in the snow covered ground, sadly none of them lived and the shape shifting creature that killed them disappeared, many think it might have morphed into film star Kurt Russel (star of Tango and Cash) but I believe it became Keith David (star of They Live), the only way to know for sure is to give them a blood test)Penguins have had a revival of some sorts recently though and have been well accepted back into society. With Surfs Up, Happy Feet and March of the Penguins, people are all to forgiving in their thoughts of the flightless bird. I think the view of the penguin shifted when one appeared on an episode of Will & Grace. When that happened we saw a bird that not only was funny, but had his shit together as well, that made people see them in a new way which was great and it also showed that they had chemistry with Halle Berry (also co-staring in the episode), leading up to their first feature film together this summer.

As for the don’t ask, don’t tell policy, penguins are probably the sole reason for it being repealed, which is stupid because they don’t allow birds in the military.

**** 2. Your quality news reports often delve into the realm of conjecture, as seen in your Pulitzer Prize winning article entitled simply, SMURF. What new information have you uncovered as of late in the rapidly advancing scientific field of Cryptozoology?

The Smurf Hunter profiled in that post is apparently still out there looking for it. While I don’t believe there are any blue Smurfs out in the Appalachians, I have in the recent years written about numerous other creatures that have proven to be real. Creatures like the the South American Brass Monkey, which was found by Beastie Boys rapper Adam Horowitz, or the Feral Cow, which used to only be a legend around South Texas but  was proven to be a very real and deadly reality. If these things exist then who knows, Bigfoot could be waiting to be found as well. After all, he was spotted at a Macy’s a while back, looking for clothes during their One Day sale (I wrote an article about it, check out for more). While some of it probably isn’t real, like the Loch Ness monster, mothman or girls that say humor, not looks, is the deciding factor in how they choose a guy, those things are only legend and therefore not real, but whose to say there can’t be creatures in the night waiting to be found? It’s fun to think about isn’t it?

**** 3. It has come to light that an episode of your acclaimed series entitled, THE FRENCHMAN, which follows the travails of a chain-smoking, passive-aggressive French patriot was found while excavating a vault. What prompted you to publish said work, but more importantly, how has Tom Jones managed to maintain a loyal following for what is now nearly fifty years?

Before we get into The Frenchman I must correct you (Talker96 takes a sip of water), while it was a series that was enjoyed by quite a few people, it was never acclaimed. I just thought I should clear that up. Don’t get me wrong, it should be acclaimed, but it never was.(takes another sip) At the time I think it was to new of an idea. I mean, now the television channels are filled with reality programing, but back then it was scary for viewers to see through the eyes of someone else, let alone a French someone else. I would love to bring it back though, well see…

Tom Jones? Not a day goes by where I am not asked about him and what it was like to write What’s new Pussycat with him. A lot of people will say his appeal lies in his penis size and tight pants, I’m here to say though, that’s not it. What makes the public love him so is that they can tell he is a genuinely nice guy. That’s it. He’s super nice and a joy to work for. There’s the big secret.

**** 4. In addition to timely reporting I see you have a page devoted to your artwork. Tell our readers what would motivate a man accustomed to the rigorous standards of journalistic integrity to expose himself to scrutiny by choosing to display such stunning examples of artistic mediocrity?

My artwork most definitely is my true love, it used to be film star Jennifer Connolly but now it’s my artwork. Thank you for speaking so highly of it. The New York Times once did a piece on it and said that my art is “like looking into the eyes of a cat, you don’t know how you feel about it but you’re still looking.” While that’s a fine description I prefer to say my art is like a My dick joke, meaning my dick is so big it’s in the other room making us drinks. I think that sums it up very well, don’t you?

All I can say about my art is that it’s a very humbling experience creating it, yet it’s still created.

**** 5. Lastly, what would you bring to the CBS news table in the form of your own signature commentary stylings, slick fashion sense or celebrity media fellatio?

Ha, great hardball question. I think I would bring wondrously stylish commentary in my own signature sense, all the while the celebrity media performs fellatio on me under the table. It’s something the whole family can enjoy and then talk about what they learned later.


Follow Talker96  and his “unacclaimed” series:

The Frenchman 1

The Frenchman 2

The Frenchman 3

The Frenchman 4

 The Frenchman 5

The Frenchman 6

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27 responses

  1. “all the while the celebrity media performs fellatio on me under the table” Did not see that one coming ahaha!! And is CBS a news channel?

    November 14, 2011 at 4:16 am

    • Yes, CBS is a news channel. Old people– I mean, “smart” people watch it, like Brainrants down there. 🙂

      November 14, 2011 at 10:46 am

      • I am going to find it on my TV while commenting … Are you ready? :O I do not have it, however I have CNN, CNBC, FOX, Russia today, France 24 and Al Kazeera … None of these are helpful!

        November 14, 2011 at 1:35 pm

  2. I have to pile on: since when does CBS actually do real news?

    November 14, 2011 at 6:25 am

    • Beats me. I watch cartoons.

      November 14, 2011 at 10:45 am

  3. Bravo for this. Anything that brings greater awareness to bi-curious penguins is to be celebrated.


    November 14, 2011 at 11:10 am

    • Different strokes, brother. Different strokes.

      November 14, 2011 at 5:51 pm

  4. One of your better SPaMs. The comments were funny as HELLo.

    November 14, 2011 at 11:19 am

    • THANK YOu.

      November 14, 2011 at 5:46 pm

  5. talker96

    Wait, you didn’t tell me you were asking those questions during sex so you could post them? You said it was for your college thesis. Next you’re going to tell me you’re not really 21.
    I feel so used.

    November 14, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    • I guess now’s not the time to tell you I’m really a man…..

      November 14, 2011 at 5:47 pm

  6. This guy’s a fu*king genius. Thanks for turning me on to him. Subscribed.
    PS-Nice blog. Thought you were in school and forgot about us.

    November 14, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    • Not school but close. If I say it out loud I’ll have to go to confession.

      November 14, 2011 at 5:48 pm

  7. talker96

    Also, thanks for not telling everyone how short the sex was. That would have just been mean.

    November 14, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    • I tell you what….I won’t mention how short the sex was if you don’t mention how small my dick is.

      November 14, 2011 at 5:49 pm

      • savorthefolly

        I have a really tiny dick too. I believe the medical term for tiny little dicks like ours is “clitoris.”

        November 14, 2011 at 6:03 pm

  8. savorthefolly

    Talker 96 is awesome. I’m gonna go subscribe too. Talker96 can we have super short sex too?

    November 14, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    • talker96

      We just did.

      November 14, 2011 at 5:58 pm

  9. I’m putting it all together now. Happy Feet comes out, and then bi-curious penguins start popping up everywhere. Happy Feet featured the voice of Robin Williams – who also starred in The Birdcage! Hellis has a small penis – and I’m a big pussy! Cat! Pussycat, I’ve got flowers and lots of hours to spend with you!

    It all makes sense.

    November 14, 2011 at 10:47 pm

  10. Archon

    I know it’s different strokes for different folks, and some of the folks like him so much they’re going to subscribe, but, What In HELL Was That? Maybe it’s because I only browse Hellis, Brainrants, Kayjai and cwc6161, but, I’m going to stay close to home. I thought drugs like that were almost impossible to obtain on the street. Go Talker! If you find a niche, fill it.

    November 18, 2011 at 3:59 am

  11. HEY lady, are you OK? (I can’t work out how to email you or privately message you lol)

    November 19, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    • I am great, actually. I’m working on a post at the moment that I hope to get up soon. Big stuff happening with my book, so I’ve been a bit busy. I love ya’ for checking on me!

      November 19, 2011 at 10:15 pm

      • PS-Congrats on the book action. I’d be reading it now but my wife got to it first.

        November 20, 2011 at 2:59 pm

        • Cool. I’d love to hear what she thinks, even if it’s not great. I’ve always got book two to do better.

          November 20, 2011 at 3:01 pm

          • Typical writer. You;re as bad as me–a winner who thinks she’s a loser.

            November 20, 2011 at 3:03 pm

            • Wow…that is SO TRUE!!

              November 20, 2011 at 3:10 pm

  12. I read the blog post before and stopped panicking *grins* How exciting for you!!! Now get back to work and stop talking shit online!!!! 😉

    November 19, 2011 at 11:47 pm