The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Why No NaNoWriMo

Image courtesy of Ruthless Scribblings

For those of you out there who aren’t writers or who otherwise have lives, the month of November has officially been designated “National Novel Writing Month” by some invisible entity who I’m sure has financial interests in coffee beans and manufacturers of bandages worn by carpal tunnel syndrome sufferers.

What NaNoWriMo is supposed to represent is the coming together of writers into a virtual community where they offer each other support in pursuit of their craft. As a part-time writer and full-time poster child for Oppositional Defiance Disorder this endeavor was doomed to epic failuredom before I applied my first electron to virtual paper. So in the interest of self-analysis I’ve decided to break down the factors involved in why my second novel exists entirely in my mind. In no particular order I blame:

The New England Patriots – pound cake – Nadia G’s Bitchin’ Kitchen – my daughter’s adorable feet – Junior’s Burt Reynolds style laugh – an endlessly ringing phone thanks to Prince Charming’s charm – my mother’s inability to comprehend American television – Frank Stallone – my Jeep – The New Hampshire Primaries (stand by for a longer post tackling the magnitude of what I face daily due to this gift of the Granite State) and last but not least, this little ditty of a video that I have spent entirely too much time watching over and over. Seriously, it’s a train wreck.

And yes, that is indeed Ron Jeremy.


42 responses

  1. Sorry but that video made me throw up a little in the back of my throat. Off to find the brain bleach… *shudder* … this is almost as creepy as that freak-tastic anonymous story, H.E. What are you trying to do to us?

    November 26, 2011 at 11:54 am

    • Yes, BrainRants…you have found me out. This blog is my own personal Jonestown and you are one of my willing captives. Can I interest you in some Kool-aid?

      November 26, 2011 at 12:35 pm

  2. kat

    That’s so funny . . . I blame Ron Jeremy for why I’m not participating in NaNoWriMo! I don’t think it’s irony, but it seems pretty close to it. 🙂

    Frank Stallone . . . I’m gonna start citing him as a reason I don’t get stuff done.
    “Why didn’t you come to my party?”
    “Frank Stallone.”

    November 26, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    • Generally I blame Abe Lincoln but Frank Stallone has a better ring to it.

      November 26, 2011 at 12:31 pm

  3. Now this is reality. Nice

    November 26, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    • Yes, welcome to my world.

      November 26, 2011 at 12:32 pm

  4. talker96

    Sadly I blame this video for my failure to write as well. I will say though, my next book will be published in April(true) and it is all due to the generous love and support that is Mr Frank Stallone.
    One last thing, I ran into Ron Jeremy about a month ago(true again). That’s all, I ran into him, I think I’m pregnant.

    November 26, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    • I know. I was there. Because I AM RON JEREMY.

      November 26, 2011 at 12:30 pm

      • I just spit goulash all over my laptop.

        November 26, 2011 at 2:25 pm

        • Goulash? I’m afraid to ask. It sounds like something that mystery writer would eat.

          November 26, 2011 at 4:23 pm

  5. Lisa Wields Words

    Hilarious and disturbing all in one. Your description of NaNoWriMo intrigues me: “What NaNoWriMo is supposed to represent is the coming together of writers into a virtual community where they offer each other support in pursuit of their craft” . . . seems to me that describes the world of BLOGGING to perfection, without the time pressure of producing 50,000 words in a month.

    November 26, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    • I agree. I love NaNoWriMo, I just wish I wasn’t such an unmitigated failure at it. I seriously don’t know how I managed to finish my book.

      November 26, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    • Imogen Shepard


      November 27, 2011 at 2:20 am

  6. Oppositional Defiance Disorder – They make a pill for that. And it’s delicious!

    I’ve seen a whole lot of bloggers objecting to NaNoWriMo, mostly because they feel the size and time limit is an invitation to write a bunch of crap.

    November 26, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    • I feel the same way about sex with guys in their twenties.

      November 26, 2011 at 1:19 pm

  7. savorthefolly

    can’t seem to get the video to play. dammit! need to go download some program or something.

    November 26, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    • Oh No! You really need to see this. You won’t be sorry, I promise.

      November 26, 2011 at 1:42 pm

  8. I am not going to lie, I wanted to finish my second novel in November due to this “NaNoWriMo” but I came across the same problem as you, I need 36 hours in a day and not 24!! I also blame Ben, I mostly write in bed, Do I have to explain anymore?! No did not think so, not second novel is now 10,000 words long instead of 75,000 … I fail!! So do not feel bad because I can not do it either, American football also detracted me, staying up till early hours in the morning means its actually on telly … again I fail!!

    P.s. Sorry for the long comment 😀

    November 26, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    • Don’t be sorry, just cut and paste your comment into your novel and you’ll up your productivity!

      November 26, 2011 at 1:51 pm

  9. I love LMFAO’s videos! They’re funny.

    I wrote a little this month on my novel. It’s not that I don’t have time to write. I just couldn’t get into this room. But my brain worked on it, and wrote a few things, and when I woke up the other morning, I had She Looked Back And Smiled and two chapters in my novel sitting in my brain’s outbox. Thanks, Dream Hotspur!

    November 26, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    • Nice. My Dream Ellis imagines ways to weld hand trucks to generators so I can sell them to make money in winter. It never remembers to pay the electric bill, though.

      November 26, 2011 at 5:27 pm

      • Damn! LMFAO are fucking geniuses. You can’t tell if they’re being serious or mocking all the dumb shit songs out there – that’s right in my wheelhouse. They’ve got a vid featuring them as a scrappy sports team, with a surprise at the end. Which sport? Fucking CURLING! I know, right?

        November 26, 2011 at 9:57 pm

  10. Great stuff. I LMFAO too! 😀

    November 26, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    • It’s insane just how much I listen to this song. I’ll even admit to dancing around the house to it, although not with the enthusiasm shown here.

      November 26, 2011 at 5:24 pm

  11. H.E.
    133 million views prove these guys are on to something. I’m trading in my laptop for a Speedo. I like your list of distractions–Steinbeck didn’t have Youtube, right?

    November 26, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    • Aw Man, Steinbeck beats me at everything. Except breathing….

      November 26, 2011 at 5:55 pm

  12. The vid won’t play, but I really don’t need to see Ron Jeremy.

    November 26, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    • It’s a shame. He’s a real treat.

      November 26, 2011 at 6:54 pm

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  14. I’m disturbed by how many bloggers admit to being in some kind of therapy. For my peace of mind, I’m going to assume that blogging is the result, not the cause. First you’re a little bit crazy, then you go on the internet and tell people. Wait a minute…What does that say about ME?

    November 27, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    • I’d say it means you’re in good company. Welcome aboard the Crazy Train!

      November 27, 2011 at 9:37 pm

  15. My daughter stuck this song on my ipod, unbeknownst to me. I was out for a run one day and it started up…I had to stop because my laughter was hindering any thing resembling running. The song is hilarious…

    November 28, 2011 at 7:53 am

    • What’s more embarrassing is that I willing listen to this song. My kids don’t know anything about it.

      November 28, 2011 at 12:43 pm

  16. Hmmm, the first porn I evey watched had Ron Jeremy in it. Strange, isn’t it? That I ever dared to watch another porn after that?

    November 28, 2011 at 8:36 am

    • That is surprising. There definitely should be a ramping up process in place for newbie porn watchers. I’m glad to see you haven’t been traumatized. I wish I were so lucky.

      November 28, 2011 at 12:45 pm

  17. I can always find something really unique when I visit you and this fits the bill….HA!

    November 29, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    • Thanks! I’ll take unique over odd, weird, nuts or bizarre anyday!

      November 29, 2011 at 5:35 pm

  18. You can find me at the beach trying to tan my cheeks, whaaaat?

    This video/song is a guilty pleasure. It is just too damn funny.

    December 5, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    • Thanks. It’s good to know that I’m not alone here.

      December 5, 2011 at 8:15 pm

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