A quasi writer avoiding life through Zen meditation and grain alcohol

Love Letters Gone Wrong – One

Welcome to the first edition of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG. For a recap of what this chicanery is all about I’ll run down the idea I presented in my last post:

Every Friday night I will be posting a new anonymous “secret admirer” love letter gone wrong. What I’d like you all to do is scan my blogroll, pick who you think the secret admirer is and leave your answer in the comments. I’ll post the answer with the following Monday’s SPaM post and give the commenter with the first correct guess a free copy of my ebook.

Since my blogroll is rather epic, I’ve decided to give you all a hint. The following love letter was written by one of the readers who clicked “like” for my CONFESSIONS OF A STAR WARS VIRGIN blog post. Choose which blogger you believe is responsible for the love letter below and then leave your guess in the comments. The first reader to guess correctly wins a free copy of my ebook. So without further ado, I give you:

LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG

Dear H.E.,

I hope this isn’t weird and stuff but I love your blog. I think you’re the best writer on all of WordPress. I think I probably read all your stuff several times. I also think I have managed to find most of your comments, and they’re as stimulating as your site stuff. I even bought your book and I’m reading that now, again.

I also want to write and someday I know I will be an actual author like you. You could probably teach me a lot since you’re so good at it. I am working on a story now too. It is this total epic fantasy with elves and stuff, except they have to find a ring and not get rid of one ha ha. I imagined you when I wrote the main character’s love interest, Electra, who is an elf with magical powers. She always appears with forest animals and stuff, who bring her food in the morning.

I know that H.E. is not your actual name because almost nobody gives out their information online anymore. So when I have conversations with you to myself, I call you “Veronica.” I think that fits and I bet I’m right, aren’t I? Some people think you are a guy, but I know you’re not. Maybe you are trying to fool everyone with that a little bit, but I can tell.

So now I have to ask the big question. Veronica, would it be okay if maybe someday we could go on a date? I don’t mean like on Skype, which would be cool if you want to go slow. But maybe an in-person date, if that’s ok. I’ve imagined a lot of them and so I’m sure it will go well and stuff, if you know what I mean.  I’m willing to drive most of the way to (my town name removed), which I hope you don’t mind but I figured out from your I.P. and some time on Google.

I am not a stalker or creepy guy, trust me. If you want to go slow I will be patient and wait for you to be ready. If you give me a chance I think someday we could write beautiful stories together. The attached photo might be kinda racy, but I assumed that other guys probably sent you stuff, mainly of their thigys. I figured you would want to see the whole deal.

Let me know. In my mind, I am waiting in the dewy glade for my Electra (Veronica).

[Name, email, mailing address and disgusting photo removed]

***********************

Dear (Redacted),

While I am touched and honored to be the recipient of your attention, I must ask that you cease sending your hand sketches of me in the “all together.” I’m not sure how much experience you’ve had with women, but I can assure you that some time spent in a high school health class would be a wise investment.

In regards to the picture of your “thingy,” you might want to consider a visit to your general practitioner, as I do not believe the size, shape and overall color of your “member” to be entirely healthy. Please do not feel the need to send me follow-up photos. I’m Italian which means I’ve seen enough eggplant in my lifetime.

From a writing stand point I must caution you against seeking agent representation for your novel, HENRY PORTER AND THE DUKES OF THE EARRINGS until you have revised the excerpt you included in your last email. Simply replacing the names FRODO and VOLDEMORT with the names FRODOLPHO and VOLDEWART does not imply original work on your part, I’m sorry to say.

Please do not contact me further, as I am in fact NOT an elf with “bitchin’ sweater meat.”

Sternly,

Let’s just go with “Veronica”  

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61 responses

  1. Haha!! Is this a joke??

    December 2, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    • Yes it is. I encouraged people to write anonymous love letters to me. The idea is for readers to guess who the secret admirer is, and then leave their guess in the comments. I’ve got some really talented contributors lined up who’ve offered totally off the wall and creepy letters!

      December 2, 2011 at 8:02 pm

      • Oh good, I was a little worried for your safety after reading that. Kudos to the writer, very entertaining!

        December 5, 2011 at 12:13 am

  2. The Byronicman?

    December 2, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    • My fantasy novel involves someone having to exchange a ring for one that’s a different color. Totally different.

      December 3, 2011 at 2:26 pm

      • So are you saying that you AREN’T the author of the letter above?

        December 3, 2011 at 2:34 pm

  3. Megan!!

    December 2, 2011 at 8:24 pm

    • My penis is totally healthy ahaha!

      December 3, 2011 at 8:07 am

      • So who’s your guess?

        December 3, 2011 at 8:12 am

  4. Borden.

    December 2, 2011 at 8:42 pm

  5. Dispatches from Nowhere (you do realize he has a crush on you, don’t you?)

    December 2, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    • Now that’s funny!

      December 2, 2011 at 8:46 pm

  6. savorthefolly

    kayjai!

    December 2, 2011 at 8:46 pm

  7. savorthefolly

    Okay….so do we write the response or do you write the response? just getting clarification for my letter…..

    December 2, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    • You write the letter and email it to me. I’ll respond to your twisted-ness in a post. Remember, the creepier, the better!

      December 2, 2011 at 8:48 pm

  8. I agree with the above: Elite / Dispatches from Nowhere.

    I totally spaced this contest. Where’s my creepy love letter pen…

    December 3, 2011 at 1:11 am

  9. talker96

    chi·can·er·y/SHiˈkānərē/
    Noun:
    The use of trickery to achieve a political, financial, or legal purpose.

    Using this word in your first paragraph was a bad move, it has made me question your motives behind these Friday night love fests and what your political, financial or legal gain may be. I’m watching you.
    That being said, you realize that if you go to E Harmony they can find you someone to love. If that doesn’t work there’s always some sort of prison pen pal connection you could sign up for. Just an FYI.
    Finally, I’ve figured out who wrote it…..If you’d like to continue on to Talker96’s final analysis the Case of the Missing Love Letter Writer then please turn to page 145.
    If you want to continue on down the old cemetery path then turn to page 43.
    If you think Tommy should follow the sound of Roberts voice into the lost cave then turn to the next page.

    December 3, 2011 at 3:48 am

    • PISSAH: A New England colloquialism used to define when a person is intentionally mocking, as in “The Court found Tommy innocent of murder in the bludgeoning death of Robert using a book on grammar, due to Robert being an antagonistic pissah.”

      December 3, 2011 at 8:11 am

  10. Both Ben and I nearly cried with laughter … “Veronica” would not be my personal choice but then again, I do not have to guess what your name is ahaha! Ben and I are trying to decide who it is … We think Kayjai as well ahaha but I do not want to think of her like that 😛

    December 3, 2011 at 8:20 am

  11. Sorry megan, but its gotta be that HOOK man.

    December 3, 2011 at 9:32 am

    • Don’t cross me Babe … I am not going to lie, I lost concentration at “The attached photo might be kinda racy” … Bad images, Bad images ahaha!

      December 3, 2011 at 9:42 am

    • Really Jeb? NOW you comment? It better not be so you can win my book. Isn’t it enough you’re already in it?!

      December 3, 2011 at 1:12 pm

      • H R Nightmare

        In Jeb’s defense he is in need of another copy. I Stole his. I sleep with it under my pillow.

        December 4, 2011 at 6:25 pm

        • WHY DO YOU FUCK WITH HIM?! HE’S BEEN APOLOGIZING FOR LOSING THE DAMN THING FOR WEEKS!!!

          December 4, 2011 at 6:27 pm

          • H R Nightmare

            Ok, so which is funnier; telling him I have it OR watching him lose his mind thinking you’re going to kill him? I’ve been entertained every time you 2 talk.

            December 4, 2011 at 6:33 pm

            • Seriously uncool, man. The dude friggin’ CRIED.

              December 4, 2011 at 6:37 pm

              • H R Nightmare

                I know, I did too. I was laughing so frigging hard I couldn’t breath. He really thought you were going to kill him. You would have done the same thing. You’re just as evil as us, you just hide it better.

                December 4, 2011 at 6:41 pm

                • I refuse to comment on the grounds that it may incriminate me.

                  December 4, 2011 at 6:44 pm

                  • I might join you, a half Italian and a Yorkshire lass is scary shit…

                    December 5, 2011 at 4:14 am

  12. Oh my god I would die. Oh my god I would just die! I am on my cell now but I plan on coming back and reading all the comments. To make this a Friday event, you must get these all the time! OMG

    December 3, 2011 at 9:51 am

    • This one is made up, but I do get them all the time. WITH ATTACHED PHOTOS!!!!! Believe it or not, this one is tame compared to the unsolicited ones.

      December 3, 2011 at 9:59 am

  13. Let the hilarity ensue!

    December 3, 2011 at 10:23 am

    • First, which blogger did you choose? And second, where is your demented love letter? Hmmm? I bet yours would be AMAZING!

      December 3, 2011 at 10:27 am

  14. Are you playing this out for a period of time, or has someone guessed it already and you’re just playing it out for a period of time? Is someone in here pretending to guess just to throw us off the trail of tears to Bataan?

    December 3, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    • I’ll reveal the secret admirer with this Monday’s SPaM post. As to whether or not someone has guessed yet….you’ll just have to wait and see. 😉

      December 3, 2011 at 1:53 pm

      • H R Nightmare

        Question: Will we be finding out the correct answer on Monday without fail?

        I just don’t want some tech type issues that can come up every now and then to prevent the answer.

        December 4, 2011 at 7:44 pm

        • I TOLD YOU I CAN DO IT MYSELF!!!!!!!

          December 4, 2011 at 7:46 pm

          • Is it Monday yet!??! WHY YES, YES IT IS .. well, where I live anyway. This is a clear breach of the terms, missy – I demand answers!!

            (Let’s see how this pans out … *hides behind Megan*)

            December 4, 2011 at 10:33 pm

            • Wow…I hadn’t thought of that! I’m EVIL!!!!

              December 4, 2011 at 10:42 pm

  15. There’s 9 possibilities. Someone has guessed. TELL US NOW! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

    December 3, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    • You’re Ryan Seacrest-ing us? I can’t wait anymore! I have to go pee right now! And also, I’d like to know who wrote the thing up there.

      December 3, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    • Hahahahaha!!!!!

      December 3, 2011 at 2:01 pm

  16. wordsfallfrommyeyes

    🙂 Edward Hotspur made you a link on his page & you’re wondering how to explain it to the boss. Hmmm… show him the funny side??

    December 3, 2011 at 9:05 pm

    • Is that the front or the back?

      December 3, 2011 at 9:22 pm

  17. WOW that is too funny! I can’t wait to see who the author of that is, and “Veronica” you shouldn’t be so dismissive maybe it’s real love, he did show you his “thingy” after all. That has to mean something yes? 🙂 lol

    December 4, 2011 at 11:40 am

    • fuck. By that definition, the homeless guy down town truly loves me? *cries uncontrollably*

      December 4, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    • You didn’t see it. I’m less than impressed.

      December 4, 2011 at 4:56 pm

  18. omg this is great!

    December 4, 2011 at 11:48 am

    • Thanks! Send one in too!

      December 4, 2011 at 4:57 pm

  19. Oh how hilarious and fun that letter exchange was! I enjoyed a good laugh today, thanks 🙂

    December 4, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    • You’re welcome. I do what I can. 🙂

      December 4, 2011 at 4:57 pm

  20. H R Nightmare

    OK so let me see it i get this right, there was a love letter written to you by this guy who hopes to meet at some point and the selling points were that you are a fictional character with magical powers and are fed by animals. You two are on a quest to locate a ring and according to your description the ” thingy ” isn’t all that appealing either..

    I knew playing D+D could cause people to grow up impotent. As for my guess at this point who wrote it doesn’t really matter does it?

    December 4, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    • Are you speaking from experience?

      December 4, 2011 at 5:21 pm

  21. H R Nightmare

    Not from personal experience, just those players who stayed home while I was out with their sisters.

    December 4, 2011 at 5:33 pm

  22. Wait. You’re not an elf? DAMMIT!

    December 5, 2011 at 8:15 am

    • No, sorry to say I am not. You still love me though, right?

      December 5, 2011 at 10:38 am

      • Well of course. You said you’d marry me. 🙂

        December 5, 2011 at 1:21 pm

        • Sigh…. 🙂

          December 5, 2011 at 1:22 pm

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