Love Letters Gone Wrong – One
Every Friday night I will be posting a new anonymous “secret admirer” love letter gone wrong. What I’d like you all to do is scan my blogroll, pick who you think the secret admirer is and leave your answer in the comments. I’ll post the answer with the following Monday’s SPaM post and give the commenter with the first correct guess a free copy of my ebook.
Since my blogroll is rather epic, I’ve decided to give you all a hint. The following love letter was written by one of the readers who clicked “like” for my CONFESSIONS OF A STAR WARS VIRGIN blog post. Choose which blogger you believe is responsible for the love letter below and then leave your guess in the comments. The first reader to guess correctly wins a free copy of my ebook. So without further ado, I give you:
LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG
I hope this isn’t weird and stuff but I love your blog. I think you’re the best writer on all of WordPress. I think I probably read all your stuff several times. I also think I have managed to find most of your comments, and they’re as stimulating as your site stuff. I even bought your book and I’m reading that now, again.
I also want to write and someday I know I will be an actual author like you. You could probably teach me a lot since you’re so good at it. I am working on a story now too. It is this total epic fantasy with elves and stuff, except they have to find a ring and not get rid of one ha ha. I imagined you when I wrote the main character’s love interest, Electra, who is an elf with magical powers. She always appears with forest animals and stuff, who bring her food in the morning.
I know that H.E. is not your actual name because almost nobody gives out their information online anymore. So when I have conversations with you to myself, I call you “Veronica.” I think that fits and I bet I’m right, aren’t I? Some people think you are a guy, but I know you’re not. Maybe you are trying to fool everyone with that a little bit, but I can tell.
So now I have to ask the big question. Veronica, would it be okay if maybe someday we could go on a date? I don’t mean like on Skype, which would be cool if you want to go slow. But maybe an in-person date, if that’s ok. I’ve imagined a lot of them and so I’m sure it will go well and stuff, if you know what I mean. I’m willing to drive most of the way to (my town name removed), which I hope you don’t mind but I figured out from your I.P. and some time on Google.
I am not a stalker or creepy guy, trust me. If you want to go slow I will be patient and wait for you to be ready. If you give me a chance I think someday we could write beautiful stories together. The attached photo might be kinda racy, but I assumed that other guys probably sent you stuff, mainly of their thigys. I figured you would want to see the whole deal.
Let me know. In my mind, I am waiting in the dewy glade for my Electra (Veronica).
[Name, email, mailing address and disgusting photo removed]
While I am touched and honored to be the recipient of your attention, I must ask that you cease sending your hand sketches of me in the “all together.” I’m not sure how much experience you’ve had with women, but I can assure you that some time spent in a high school health class would be a wise investment.
In regards to the picture of your “thingy,” you might want to consider a visit to your general practitioner, as I do not believe the size, shape and overall color of your “member” to be entirely healthy. Please do not feel the need to send me follow-up photos. I’m Italian which means I’ve seen enough eggplant in my lifetime.
From a writing stand point I must caution you against seeking agent representation for your novel, HENRY PORTER AND THE DUKES OF THE EARRINGS until you have revised the excerpt you included in your last email. Simply replacing the names FRODO and VOLDEMORT with the names FRODOLPHO and VOLDEWART does not imply original work on your part, I’m sorry to say.
Please do not contact me further, as I am in fact NOT an elf with “bitchin’ sweater meat.”
Let’s just go with “Veronica”