The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

SPaM and Chips

As promised I will reveal the name of the secret admirer who wrote Friday’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG at the bottom of this blog post. But first, onto some British SPaM!

I thought this week’s SPaM post featuring my Verynormal gal pal Megan would practically write itself as I consider her part of my family. But trying to encapsulate all there is to know about this British ball of wonder in a single blog post is a near to impossible task and required me to call in reinforcements. I give you Megan, as seen through the questions of my own family.

**** 1. Question number one comes from my daughter Mini Me and she asks, “When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up, and what do you want to be now?”

I wanted to be a Zoologist, I know I was a nerdy kid but I had a fascination with animals, studying them would have been my perfect job but then, I do not actually know what happened, I guess I realised that animals were just the start, Dragons and Werewolf’s were going to be the middle and who know what the end will be but at the moment writing and teaching are both my aims.

**** 2. Question number two comes from my son Junior who asks, “What made you start a blog?”

My writing, I needed a way to justify staying up till stupid hours in the morning writing words, I needed to know I was actually good at it, so far so good! I have met some amazingly wonderful people, one being H.E.

**** 3. Question number three comes from my son Prince Charming who asks, “What are you studying in school?”

I love the word school, because technically I left school 2 and a half years ago but I guess if I lived in America I would have only just left. I studied Sociology, Psychology, Biology and Chemistry at A level, which is at college here and now I am studying Childhood studies at college again ahaha I get people … I guess I finally realised animals were not my calling! I did not get into University but I guess that has been a good thing, I have time to write and that is all I need.

**** 4. Question number four comes from the bane of my existence, Just Jeb. “Where is the best place to party on a Saturday night?”

Well seen as though I can drink because I am 18 and in England that is legal… I do not actually know ahaha at home snuggled with Ben and my family. You’re all going to get an insight into where I live now 😉 Leeds is an amazing night out around town, I mean in one club/pub they bring shots around too you, Hull and York are also good nights out but I do not understand all the pushing to the bar stuff and I work on a Saturday and Sunday so I do not actually go out that often … When I do … It is never good ahaha.

**** 5. Mini Me asks you to tell us about your family.

I have the most amazing family (that includes you guys :D), My mum and dad are the best, My mum had me and my sisters very young, she was 17 when she had my older sister but they worked there arses off to get where they both are now and I respect them a lot. My sisters are like my best friends and we get on amazingly well for sisters. Family is your rock … Never forget that.

**** 6. Junior asks you to tell us about your boyfriend, Ben.

Oh gosh, do you have all day, I love him so much and people do not think you can be in love at eighteen but people are wrong, he saved me, he really did. I was in a place that was not good, I had a psycho best friend and an unhealthy relationship with the wrong boy … Ben was my knight and now he is my pillow at night ahaha!!

**** 7. Jeb asks, “What is the most confusing thing Americans do/say/or think, and what assumption about England do Americans have that is completely wrong?

Erm I do not actually know, I have to Google all the food stuff you lot say like Krispy Kremes, They look yummy but I could not eat them (I am allergic to wheat) I won’t lie to you guys, I had Americans all wrong, I am going to hate what I am going to say, I thought you were all stupid and up tight… that you guys like did not get jokes and just sat eating MacDonalds all day … That is so stereotypical, I am sorry and I was wrong! Really wrong.

We do not all drink tea, I for one hate it and scones ahaha! We are mad about Rugby and Football and we all talk nowhere near as posh as you think we all do.

**** 8. Prince Charming asks, “You’ve recently discovered American football. What’s your take on our sport, and do you have a favorite team?”

You have too many breaks in it ahaha but apart from that I really like it! I mean I like sport, I am getting a New England Patriots shirt for Christmas from my mum and dad. Woop!!

**** 9. Now I ask, “You give some great relationship advice. What’s the one thing you could pass along to all the single girls your age out there?”

There is so much I would say, I mean my biggest one would be… Love yourself before having sex, that might seem stupid but too many people do it just so they can say they did it then they feel terrible after know that they would never want to remember that as there special ‘night’ another one would be guys are trustworthy, I mean you have a beautiful example in Prince Charming, from what we have spoken about anyway. Lads are not as horrible as most girls make out.

**** 10. Lastly, “What can you tell us about your book Realm Keepers, and what are your plans for the remainder of the series?”

Ohhhh I didn’t know you had all day, Realm Keepers is my Fantasy fiction love child, it was the start of getting back into writing during my ‘A’ levels and it is the best this I have written to date. I mean there is more detail on my page These Four Kingdoms.. I do not wanna bore you all but this is my dream, I love writing and I can feel myself getting better at it every day. I mean I might even let you steal some to put in your writers corner ahaha. I always think people are going to hate my writing because most people tell me I am too young but now I have started blogging my confidence has grown and I owe a lot to the people who view my blog. These Four Kingdoms is hopefully going to go far… I have hope!!

I owe a lot to you H.E. And ‘Lola’ is just the start (Introducing Lola.)

Follow British darling Megan at Verynormal

Next week’s SPaM features THE WANDERING ATAVIST

Want your own featured SPaM post? Email me at






66 responses

  1. Megan is awesome, but I suspect someone has completely poisoned the poor girl’s outlook on American football teams… I wonder if you gave her the chance to explore the Raider Nation. Hmm.

    December 5, 2011 at 7:06 am

    • The Pats won their last four games and the Raiders lost their last game to….MIAMI! FAIL!

      December 5, 2011 at 7:12 am

      • But true fans remain loyal in spite of adversity, don’t they? I somehow suspect you’d respect me less for switching to a more successful team…

        December 5, 2011 at 8:35 am

        • You’d think that, but…….

          December 5, 2011 at 10:27 am

    • Actually its hard to follow a team in England because I only get a few games on Sky Sports :/ But me and the raiders look scary 😛 ahaha

      December 5, 2011 at 1:06 pm

      • Shhh! Don’t tell BrainRants his Raiders are tied for the lead of their conference! We’ll never hear the end of it!

        December 5, 2011 at 1:08 pm

        • Rants is a tool-using-animal and already knows this.

          December 5, 2011 at 10:58 pm

  2. No way!!! (0.o) I wouldn’t have guessed it was you brain ….

    December 5, 2011 at 7:42 am

    • Yep, that one’s my fault.

      December 5, 2011 at 10:59 pm

  3. What??!!! Rants wrote that?!!! Oh, God…I’m completely ass-cramping bad at this! *sigh* Did anybody guess him? That’s hilarious! Great job…I had no clue…well, I have no clue in general, but this was completely awesome….

    December 5, 2011 at 7:52 am

    • No one guessed BrainRants, so there’s no winner this week. Maybe next Friday. On another note…where’s YOUR love letter, Kayjai?

      December 5, 2011 at 10:32 am

      • Ummmm…perfecting the technicalities and making sure it’s worthy of being posted… 🙂

        December 5, 2011 at 1:41 pm

        • YES!!!! I can hardly wait!

          December 5, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    • Really ,the only hint could’ve been the racy photo ,but very unlike the way he usually takes a signature leak all over his posts :-/

      December 6, 2011 at 12:26 am

      • Good one!

        December 6, 2011 at 6:55 am

  4. aw man I had it SO pegged as Megan. Oh well back to spooning her …………………

    December 5, 2011 at 8:03 am

    • Megan is wayyyy more classy. 😛

      December 5, 2011 at 10:30 am

  5. Megan, you are awesome.
    H.E., my crush on you has just weakened (slightly) due to the above comment and your obvious affection for silly football…

    December 5, 2011 at 8:35 am

    • I can get your crush back with two words….

      Tom. Brady.

      December 5, 2011 at 10:28 am

      • Who? Just Kidding.

        December 5, 2011 at 1:18 pm

        • Mmmmmmm Tom Brady, What a tasty looking man …. He is like the Jonny Wilkinson of American Football.

          December 6, 2011 at 3:27 pm

  6. Yours is the only spam I enjoy! I’ve been enjoying Megan’s blog for several months and I first noticed her blog because of comments she made on your site. Thanks so much for spotlighting other bloggers and encouraging us all to be better writers.

    December 5, 2011 at 9:32 am

    • Thanks Sandy! So when do I get to “SPaM” you?

      December 5, 2011 at 10:29 am

      • That sounds naughty. Coal for you.

        December 5, 2011 at 10:39 am

        • Yes, everyone is getting spanked, er, spammed, but me! And H.E., you can SPaM me anytime you desire. Hopefully, my imaginary friends will have sobered up enough to help me with the interview.

          December 5, 2011 at 12:13 pm

          • Tell your friends that it’s a date!

            December 5, 2011 at 12:50 pm

  7. Ok I haven’t been here long. Playing catch up kinda sucks. I think I’ll start with Megan she sounds like the bomb.
    Followed closely by Mr. Rants. Anyone that can pull that kind of switch up is worth reading.

    December 5, 2011 at 10:37 am

    • Thanks, I appreciate the comment. I’ve just recently been made aware that authorial switch-hitting is an epic skill. Who knew? My secret is all the voices in my head.

      December 5, 2011 at 11:01 pm

      • *cough**lunatic**cough*

        December 6, 2011 at 12:28 am

  8. I can not remember why i didn’t think it was brainrants … maybe because it did not include taking you out for a beer ahaha and thanks everyone you are… AWESOME… ehehehe awesome, sorry I am laughing at the way I say it 😛

    December 5, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    • Beer?! Holy crap that’s funny!

      December 5, 2011 at 12:49 pm

      • SPaM and chips kept me amused for a while too ahaha!

        December 5, 2011 at 1:14 pm

        • As it should. 🙂

          December 5, 2011 at 1:28 pm

  9. Nice profile on Megan. Your kids ask some insightful questions that mainstream journalists definitely would have overlooked.

    Brainrants wrote the letter?
    But on his site he seems so…gentlemanly…

    December 5, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    • I was impressed with their questions as well. Everything I wrote seemed so hokey that I called in for back-up. As far as BrainRants goes….it takes all kinds, I guess.

      December 5, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    • That must be sarcasm… I mean really, it has to be.

      December 5, 2011 at 11:02 pm

  10. savorthefolly

    I NEVER would have guessed that was Brainrants. I’m going to have to go back and reread it!

    December 5, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    • You should have seen my face when I opened the email!

      December 5, 2011 at 4:48 pm

      • savorthefolly

        well now that I reread it I can see it.

        December 5, 2011 at 11:52 pm

        • Yeah, the nerd just pours on through, doesn’t it?

          December 6, 2011 at 12:02 am

          • savorthefolly

            you say that like it’s a bad thing.

            December 6, 2011 at 12:03 am

  11. Haha You are both amazing 😀 although Megan is more amazing as I am swayed by the title of boyfriend 😛

    December 5, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    • Awww….what a good boyfriend!

      December 5, 2011 at 6:01 pm

  12. Good one. Didn’t see that coming. No precedent, you see.

    December 5, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    • It’s funner that way!

      December 5, 2011 at 9:47 pm

  13. H R Nightmare

    Both Jeb and I never would have thought that Mr. Rants would be the author of the letter. It seems to be a complete 180 from the posts on his blog. I do have to admit that it was great fun guessing. Not even a small hint on the prior posts. One of the best kept secrets out there I think (thank God the media wasn’t involved). Anyhow, I look forward to deciphering the true identity of the next letter. BRING IT ON Miss Ellis.

    December 5, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    • Both Jeb and I … You married?! ahaha 😛

      December 6, 2011 at 4:09 am

      • H R Nightmare

        Alright Megan that’s enough of that. He is too goofy looking. Besides I’m saving myse… ok ok I almost said that with a straight face.

        December 6, 2011 at 6:53 am

  14. If it was one by me, you’d all guess it instantly.

    December 5, 2011 at 11:13 pm

  15. H R Nightmare

    Really are you so sure? I was able to read a little of your prior works and yeah, 180 and then another 180 followed closely by 540 degree turns. Then there was the second paragraph.

    December 5, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    • So if that happened, you’d know it was me.

      December 5, 2011 at 11:50 pm

      • See, for example, how literally no one guessed that this letter was from me.

        December 5, 2011 at 11:51 pm

        • EH meet HR, KING of the pissahs.

          December 6, 2011 at 7:00 am

          • I had to urban dictionary that shit!! I need a translator, an American to English one!!

            December 6, 2011 at 4:00 pm

            • More like England to New England translator. And I had to Wikipedia Jonny Wilkinson.

              December 6, 2011 at 9:28 pm

              • H R Nightmare

                New England is not that hard to speak. Remove all R’s from every word and then shove them into words where they don’t belong. car becomes caa. And lastly, cha comes up in conversation way more then it should, like “Hey what chall doin ova theaa?” See? Easy. Master that, Miss Megan and you will fit right in.

                December 6, 2011 at 10:30 pm

                • Southie. 😉

                  December 6, 2011 at 10:32 pm

                  • H R Nightmare

                    Not quite. There is a post called “New England Dissected” that I read somewhere that may explain it a.. almost made it with a straight face again. just couldn’t do it.

                    December 6, 2011 at 10:40 pm

                • I might try this today!!

                  December 7, 2011 at 4:21 am

  16. As a fellow Brit, the stereotypical Posh accents that you see on American TV shows used to bother me too, as I don’t know a single person who talks like that (which gives you some idea where I chart on the class system). That said, my own vision of a stereotypical American accent is pretty bad, being as it is based on Stone Cold Steve Austin.


    December 6, 2011 at 9:05 pm

    • I know someone who sounds remarkably like Stone Cold Steve Austin now that I think about it.

      December 6, 2011 at 9:27 pm

  17. But….we ARE stupid, and we DO eat McDonald’s all day…

    December 6, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    • Sad but true.

      December 6, 2011 at 9:29 pm

  18. GREAT POST! Awesome title, too!

    December 7, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    • Thanks! This stuff pretty much writes itself.

      December 7, 2011 at 7:24 pm

  19. Pingback: Love Letters Gone Wrong – Two « H.E. ELLIS