The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Love Letters Gone Wrong – Two

It’s time for another LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG and a chance at guessing this week’s secret admirer! For the benefit of our British friends I’ve decided from now on I’m going to post my response to the love letters along with the big reveal of it’s author on Sunday mornings, New England Patriots time.

For those of you who missed last week’s love letter you can catch it again at LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG – ONE and then the author’s big reveal here at SPaM AND CHIPS with Megan.

HINT: The secret admirer for this week’s love letter is a featured blogger of one of my past SPaM posts. If you’d like to contribute a Love Letter Gone Wrong contact me at heellisgoa@gmail. Now on with the letter!


Dear What’s your name,

I am sorry that I don’t remember your name. I also forgot your phone number, so I had to hack your email account to find your email address. I had to write and tell you how much I enjoyed our dinner date last night. You were worth every penny I paid for the meal. I know you must have liked your burger. God, those Big Macs are to die for. Hopefully, after buying you a fancy dinner, you can repay me by putting out. I find myself falling for you quickly, hopefully after our next date we can plan a family and have lots of kids.

I am glad that you aren’t as fat as you looked on your Facebook profile. As much as I loved looking into your eyes, I really liked your low cut top. Please wear that one on our next date. For our next date, I was hoping that you could treat me. Hopefully you wont be taking me to McDonalds, I am in the mood for something a bit more costly. Maybe afterwards, we can go make out in the back seat of my car, or at your place. I will bring beer.

When we meet up, I promise to write your phone number down in the men’s bathroom so that I don’t forget it anymore.



59 responses

  1. It has dawned on me that I am competing for nothing 😉 but I love it anyway, I think I know who this one is but I might just keep it too myself 😀

    December 9, 2011 at 4:15 am

    • Such a sweetie!

      December 9, 2011 at 4:40 am

  2. It’s Jeb! :O

    December 9, 2011 at 4:18 am

    • That’s one vote for Jeb!!

      December 9, 2011 at 4:40 am

  3. I realize how I totally suck at this guessing thing, so again, I have no clue. I think I will employ a strategy of guessing the same blogger all the time until I get it right. I’m gonna say….Sherbert Bomb

    December 9, 2011 at 4:59 am

    • That’s one for Sherbert Bomb!

      December 9, 2011 at 5:46 am

  4. I’m going out on a limb and say…. Sully Erna?

    Kidding. I vote for Frederique.

    December 9, 2011 at 6:45 am

    • OH…MY…GOD…a Sully Erna love letter just gave me a great idea! I’m marking you down for Frederique!

      December 9, 2011 at 10:25 am

  5. savorthefolly

    tough call but I’m going to go with the Libra Chronicles.

    December 9, 2011 at 9:24 am

    • And that’s one for The Libra Chronicles!

      December 9, 2011 at 10:25 am

    • I actually like Taco Bell if I’m gonna splurge. But ideally if I’m going to really impress a girl I can sit in her garden drinking Thunderbird, (preferably sitting on a mattress) and shout at cars.

      December 15, 2011 at 9:31 pm

      • What?!? If i knew girls still responded to that, I would never have left high school…
        Maybe I can still get in…

        December 15, 2011 at 9:34 pm

  6. Edward Hotspur!

    December 9, 2011 at 11:30 am

    • Oh wait, I dunno if you’ve SPaMMED E.H. Doe sthis mean I need to do…..research?????

      December 9, 2011 at 11:31 am

      • Yes, EH was my first. That reads so wrong…

        December 9, 2011 at 5:41 pm

        • If that’s wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

          December 9, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    • Hotspur it is! (for John’s vote)

      December 9, 2011 at 5:41 pm

  7. HR

    Is it that guy? You know that one. The goofy one. Ok I have no idea. I can wait.

    December 9, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    • You mean my ex?

      December 9, 2011 at 5:42 pm

      • HR

        No you haven’t spam’d your ex, that we know of anyway.

        December 9, 2011 at 8:16 pm

  8. talker96

    It’s not me is it?

    December 9, 2011 at 3:01 pm

  9. That depends….if your email submission came with a link to the Rick Shroder fan club and had a dancing gif of questionable anime then the answer is pi.

    December 9, 2011 at 6:45 pm

  10. talker96

    It’s actually not questionable anime, it’s Henti. I thought you’d show it to your kids and you could all laugh and laugh while making dinner as a family………sigh.
    Rick Schroder is actually staying at my place for a while till he can get back on his feet, we started that club so that a Silver Spoons feature film could be made. It would have to be in 3D, which would be awesome, and it would be political, cuz Ricky is all about the statements.

    December 10, 2011 at 12:34 am

  11. Thanks for the suggestion to show your Henti to my kids. It made the biggest splash with my son, Bukkake. You should have seen his face.

    I hear you on the statement. Here in New Hampshire I had the pleasure of meeting Rick Shroder in person on his campaign trail, representing the Tea Bag Party. I’m not sure I agree with his position, though.

    December 10, 2011 at 8:27 am

    • Nice comeback! I’ve never been prouder of you.

      December 10, 2011 at 9:27 am

      • I bow at the feet of the Master.

        December 10, 2011 at 9:33 am

        • Whoever that is, he’s a lucky guy. Say, have you experienced a spike in traffic recently?

          December 10, 2011 at 9:47 am

          • Actually, yes I have. Of course now I have to ask the question…why?

            December 10, 2011 at 9:50 am

            • Oh, no reason. Just making conversation.

              December 10, 2011 at 9:52 am

              • You’re killing me, EH.

                December 10, 2011 at 9:58 am

                • Okay, I’ll talk. One of my posts somehow shot up from somewhere way down there to my number one post of all time, and it happens to be the post where I imitated you, First Impressions – You Never Get Another Chance To Fail, and it has a link to you. I figured ‘a rising tide lifts all boats’.


                  December 10, 2011 at 10:43 am

                  • I REMEMBER THAT ONE! IT WAS AWESOME! I’ll do a link to it later this week!

                    December 10, 2011 at 10:52 am

                    • That will lead to a recursive loop that will tear a hole in the fabric of the space-time continuum! And I see nothing wrong with that, so I say we do it!

                      December 10, 2011 at 12:21 pm

                  • savorthefolly

                    EH I want you to imitate me!!!!!!!!! Pretty please!!!!!!!!!

                    December 10, 2011 at 12:21 pm

                    • DO IT EH! DO IT!

                      December 10, 2011 at 12:25 pm

  12. Little known fact, in the early ’00s, Rick Schroeder performed soft porn in the bulgarian market, performing as Percival Pective Hammer.

    The gif could have been part of the link to the fan club…

    December 10, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    • Odder still, MC Hammer donned a blonde wig and performed as Rick Shroder in German hardcore scat porn.

      December 10, 2011 at 12:30 pm

      • Yeah, I saw that on Behind The Music.
        They said MC Hammer got the Germany gig because David Hasselhoff wasn’t available…

        December 10, 2011 at 12:35 pm

  13. Yeah, I saw that episode. It came on right after the one about Vanilla Ice doing a cover of “Chocolate Rain.”

    December 10, 2011 at 12:43 pm

  14. MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice both starred in the Moldavan version of Brokeback Mountain. I was the publicity photographer on that film, and that’s how I met Lena from Infected Rain. After she fell madly in love with me and let me snap the pic of her in the suspenders, she told me that the name of her band was inspired by the Tay Zonday song Chocolate Rain. True story.

    December 10, 2011 at 1:41 pm

  15. You had me worried there for a minute. I thought you were going to say that YOU were the inspiration for the “Infected” part of her band name.

    And HR Nightmare’s family is from what used to be the country of Wallachia, just over the Moldavian and Transylvanian borders. Really true story.

    December 10, 2011 at 1:52 pm

  16. It isn’t Fred, she hasn’t spammed me 😉

    That’s one down!

    I suck (settle!) at guessing so am just gonna sit and watch!

    December 10, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    • I actually made a calendar note to ask if you’d be willing to do a SPaM post for me on Valentine’s Day.

      You should guess anyway so you can try to win a free copy of my ebook. Or you could write me a love letter and I’d give you one!

      December 10, 2011 at 5:47 pm

      • LMAO OK I will give it a go .. remind me next year k 😉

        December 16, 2011 at 11:27 pm

        • I sure will!

          December 17, 2011 at 5:46 am

  17. bombshellll

    Hahaha, I love this!

    December 11, 2011 at 12:01 am

    • Thanks! This happens every Friday so stop back by!

      December 11, 2011 at 8:18 am

  18. He he he…I was surprised that Kayjai didn’t pick up on who Mel was. Just to let everyone know, I would never take a woman to Mcdonalds for a date. I am more a Burger King kind of guy!

    December 11, 2011 at 7:25 am

    • Burger King is so much more classy 😉

      December 11, 2011 at 7:29 am

      • I have to admit that I’m partial to Wendy’s. *snicker*

        December 11, 2011 at 8:17 am

        • There is a whole world of food I am missing!! I actually had to Google Wendy’s

          December 11, 2011 at 8:21 am

          • How creepy looking is that Wendy girl?!?!

            December 11, 2011 at 8:48 am

            • She is going to haunt my nightmares …

              December 11, 2011 at 9:22 am

              • my name is not wendy, but I’ll haunt ya anyway k 😉

                December 16, 2011 at 11:27 pm

                • That’s right, it’s FRED!!

                  December 17, 2011 at 5:46 am

  19. I got some catching up to do. This letter makes me wish I got that Big Mac the other day.

    January 3, 2012 at 8:17 pm

    • So THAT’S what the kids are calling it these days!

      January 3, 2012 at 8:18 pm

  20. What were the adults calling it? I did read Big Mac in the letter.

    January 3, 2012 at 10:24 pm