The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

My Secret Admirer – Two

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This is the second week that the secret admirer wasn’t guessed by a blogger in the comments, so there are no winners of my ebook except for the secret admirer himself. Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook send a love letter gone wrong to

Dear What’s your name,

I am sorry that I don’t remember your name. I also forgot your phone number, so I had to hack your email account to find your email address. I had to write and tell you how much I enjoyed our dinner date last night. You were worth every penny I paid for the meal. I know you must have liked your burger. God, those Big Macs are to die for. Hopefully, after buying you a fancy dinner, you can repay me by putting out. I find myself falling for you quickly, hopefully after our next date we can plan a family and have lots of kids.

I am glad that you aren’t as fat as you looked on your Facebook profile. As much as I loved looking into your eyes, I really liked your low cut top. Please wear that one on our next date. For our next date, I was hoping that you could treat me. Hopefully you wont be taking me to McDonalds, I am in the mood for something a bit more costly. Maybe afterwards, we can go make out in the back seat of my car, or at your place. I will bring beer.

When we meet up, I promise to write your phone number down in the men’s bathroom so that I don’t forget it anymore.




Dear Mel,

I’m sorry, but my father Dave said that I cannot pursue a relationship with you. I am truly disappointed as you were the only man who wasn’t turned off by my pasty skin, freckled face and penchant for wearing my red hair in pigtails.

“A rose by any other name…”


Yours in secret,

– Wendy

 This week’s secret admirer is….




29 responses

  1. Sound like a real winner, lol.

    December 11, 2011 at 3:40 am

    • This man can write anything, he’s that good.

      December 11, 2011 at 8:19 am

  2. Nice, good job!! The my father “DAVE” made me laugh for a while.

    December 11, 2011 at 4:27 am

  3. what? you don’t want to go out again? Darn. I had the next date all planned and everything! I was gonna come over to your place and watch the football game, and during commercial breaks, we could make out. I was even gonna treat you with some Doritos and I even planned on sharing one of my beer with you. Just try to be romantic with some people.

    Does this mean that you won’t be buying me dinner?
    yours truly

    December 11, 2011 at 7:22 am

    • I’m sorry, Mel. My father Dave said it would be a conflict of interest. I dream of someday running away with you, getting married and having children. I say we name our first son Carls Jr.

      December 11, 2011 at 8:21 am

      • *snicker*

        December 11, 2011 at 9:57 am

  4. YES! My perfect record is maintained!

    December 11, 2011 at 10:50 am

    • I’m crafting a plaque as I type! It’s harder tha;n i9t’e l0oks….

      December 11, 2011 at 10:53 am

  5. Did I guess at all? I forget. I’m never gonna get a free copy of that book, dammit. You are continuing this next week, right?

    December 11, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    • I’ll gift you a free copy since you sent in a letter. Make sure you guess this Friday, though.

      December 11, 2011 at 3:51 pm

  6. You know, I had an inkling it might have been Sites, but I just wasn’t convinced enough. I should have went with my gut…maybe next time… Okay, probably not but I love reading them!

    December 11, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    • It was KILLING me not to say something!

      December 11, 2011 at 4:22 pm

  7. Wait, I just realized something, after a delightful dinner like that you still didn’t put out? Would a Whopper sway your decision any? Hell I’ll even throw in a frosty jr.

    Kidding, I’m kidding. there’s no way I would have ever guessed. Great job.

    December 11, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    • Frosty Jr? Let me get back to you….

      December 11, 2011 at 6:01 pm

      • K, my numbers on the wall of the women’s bathroom. ( insert wink here )

        December 11, 2011 at 6:22 pm

        • I know, I put it there. 😛

          December 11, 2011 at 6:36 pm

          • Can I get you to write it again but this time in big numbers with a marker because the crayon IT IS NOT HELPING. thank you.

            December 11, 2011 at 9:42 pm

        • I wrote my number right above the urinal in the women’s restroom, because that’s how you…. wait… oh no….

          December 11, 2011 at 6:38 pm

          • Well that explains all your recent hits….. 😉

            December 11, 2011 at 9:20 pm

          • It’s ok those stick figure pictures are sometimes hard to understand. Please dont ask how I know, just know that I do.

            December 11, 2011 at 9:45 pm

  8. I was only 12 guesses away from Sites.

    December 11, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    • Ballpark, yes.

      December 11, 2011 at 6:01 pm

  9. Not your fault guys, its my gentlemanly appearance and respectable attitude that threw you off.

    December 11, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    • Who knew under that gentlemanly facade lurked the heart of a teenage wanker?

      December 11, 2011 at 6:38 pm

  10. Shucks …. I should’ve known when you went all official and said ‘that’s one vote for…’ :-/ . Next time it is!

    December 12, 2011 at 1:41 am

    • That’s called reverse something…or…other…

      December 12, 2011 at 5:02 am

      • :p fishy is what it was…. lucky for you I’m a moron.

        December 12, 2011 at 5:48 am

        • Crap. Now you’re onto me. I’ll need to switch it up, I guess.

          December 12, 2011 at 5:58 am