The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Love Letters Gone Wrong – Three

It’s Friday which means it’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! This week’s love letter was written and submitted by one of the featured bloggers in the post KARMA COMING MY WAY. Check out this post and then return to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess in the comments wins a free copy of my ebook.

Return this Sunday for my response as well as the secret admirer’s big reveal. If you’d like to submit your own love letter gone wrong, contact me at

To my dearest sweetheart,

It is with much regret that I must postpone our first night together. As you know I only have a futon in my apartment and I wanted our first night to be special. So I went to Mattress Giant to find the perfect four-post bed (I know this is a special thing for you). However, while I was preparing for an evening of passion the manager found it odd that I was placing rose petals on the pillows so he asked if he could help me. To which I answered, “No thank you,” and then I began to disrobe.

After the police arrived they brought me to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. The doctors say that I can have visitors after the test results come back.

With much passion,



55 responses

  1. Ahaha … I really have nothing to say! 😛

    December 16, 2011 at 4:03 am

    • Aw, come on. Just guess! 😛

      December 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm

      • It would probs be Jonathan Borden but Someone has already said that …

        December 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm

  2. I thought it was him before I checked out the list of names in your other post. . Hotspur all day long. . By the way. I once bought flower petals on the bed, champagne and chocolate covered strawberries for a girl. We were visiting Vegas for a week, staying at Mandalay Bay for our break up vacation.

    December 16, 2011 at 4:54 am

    • Break up vacation? Wow…I’ve never heard of that. Totally sounds like something you’d do! 😉

      December 16, 2011 at 5:08 pm

      • Ya. That was the second time. You don’t always have to break up with someone because you can’t stand them anymore lol 😉

        December 16, 2011 at 7:22 pm

  3. I already have a copy of your great book, but I will guess Edward Hotspur anyway. Have a great day 🙂

    December 16, 2011 at 6:07 am

    • Thanks! That’s the first vote for Mr. Hotspur!

      December 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm

      • Wait… Wasn’t mine the first vote for Hotspur?

        December 16, 2011 at 7:23 pm

        • OOPS! Yes it was. If the author is indeed Mr. Hotspur, then I’ll give you both free ebooks!

          December 16, 2011 at 8:22 pm

          • Not to be anal or anything… :p

            December 17, 2011 at 6:37 am

  4. I’m going to go with jb!

    December 16, 2011 at 6:08 am

    • And that’s one for the Whorrible JB!

      December 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm

  5. John. Trask Avenue.

    December 16, 2011 at 6:49 am

    • EH votes John. Trask Avenue.

      December 16, 2011 at 5:10 pm

  6. HR

    So I think it must be Ms. Megan. Delightful and creative. I vote Ms. Megan.
    Also she responded first.

    December 16, 2011 at 7:55 am

    • HR

      Then again HR DON’T GIVE A SHITE 🙂
      So thanks again Ms. Megan

      December 16, 2011 at 7:59 am

      • Do you know why I responded first? because I was probably the only other Blogger awake, she posted this at 9:00 amish GMT and it would have been 4:00 amish in ermmm … TAC is that right Time in American Cities, do correct me if I am wrong HR 🙂 Which means I was awake and the rest of you were not 😀

        December 16, 2011 at 11:48 am

        • HR

          Wait, what? Numbers, acronyms heavy thinking, aaggh its daylight here now. My head hurts. You made me think. I’m going and taking a nap. Dont tell my boss. Cause loochy would say. ” look at that sleepy fu**.”

          December 16, 2011 at 12:07 pm

          • It is dark here now HR 😉 welcome to the concept of time! and Loochy 😉 is right!

            December 16, 2011 at 12:12 pm

            • HR

              By the way I know you called loochy he was the one who woke me up. and FYI it was dark here too, when my eyes where closed. So there you go. Concept of time, who needs it?.
              Woops got to go im going to be late.

              December 16, 2011 at 2:05 pm

              • Get back to work, slacker. That flat screen ain’t gonna pay for itself.

                December 16, 2011 at 5:12 pm

  7. I’m going with Hotsie, as well… *sigh*

    December 16, 2011 at 8:30 am

    • Kayjai votes Hotspur!

      December 16, 2011 at 5:12 pm

  8. Hotspur. Someone already guessed him, but it just has to be Hotspur.

    December 16, 2011 at 9:17 am

    • BrainRants makes it three for Hotspur!

      December 16, 2011 at 5:12 pm

  9. HR Nightmare so no one has mentioned him.

    Pretty scientific, eh?

    December 16, 2011 at 9:43 am

    • Always a thinkin’ man, John. The first vote for HR has been cast.

      December 16, 2011 at 5:13 pm

  10. Anonymous


    December 16, 2011 at 10:12 am

    • Anonymous makes two for HR!

      December 16, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    • Wow, you took time out of your busy day taking down Facebook to comment on Hellis’ blog! She’s a celebrity!

      December 16, 2011 at 6:54 pm

      • Hey! I’m a celebrity! If I had smaller tits and a bigger ass I could be Kim Kardashian!

        December 17, 2011 at 11:15 am

  11. HR

    After thinking about it a little it might not be Ms. Megan, so I would like to guess that its Kayjai. Maybe. I think not sure. I’ll get back to you.

    December 16, 2011 at 11:37 am

    • Now HR votes Kayjai.

      December 16, 2011 at 5:15 pm

  12. HR

    So feeling refreshed after a nap and being woken up by my boss, I reread the letter. Due to the romantic nature and use of roses, I have changed my guess. So I think it’s going to be Sandylikeabeach. Possibly. Oh I’m not sure. This is harder than it looks.

    December 16, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    • You need to change your name to HC for “Hanging Chad.”

      December 16, 2011 at 5:59 pm

  13. talker96

    I’m surprised no one has guessed Porn Star Tera Patrick. Its her right? (between you and me, all those people who think it’s Hotspur are suckers, it’s clearly Tera Patrick) I’ll take my free book now.

    December 16, 2011 at 1:56 pm

  14. I’ll let you in on a secret. Come over here…*leans in*….Edward Hotspur IS Tera Patrick.


    December 16, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    • I’m a little older than that. Try Racquel Darrien.

      December 16, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    • talker96

      I knew it.

      December 16, 2011 at 7:46 pm

  15. WAIT…. STOP .!.! I got it.. I figured it out. After looking even closer then before ITS BRAINRANTS. It has to be.. the cunning use of the post bed.

    Disrobing in public, what will this man not do? Mr.Rants you sly dog. Good work.

    December 16, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    • OH Gosh, you are really bad at this!!

      December 16, 2011 at 8:10 pm

      • Hey I’m still a newbie you know. Besides HR don’t give a shite. ( I still love that. )
        Also, Ms. Megan to be honest, it might not be Mr. rants at all. I’ll let you know later.

        December 16, 2011 at 8:16 pm

        • You should here me say it, it sounds, erm … British 😛

          December 17, 2011 at 1:52 pm

          • HR

            I say it like a pissa.

            December 17, 2011 at 2:10 pm

            • I shall join you in Pissa land one day and then I shall try to talk like you for now, English will have to do!

              December 17, 2011 at 4:07 pm

              • Pissa land is 3537441 square miles, but if you divide it in half, take that number squared, multiply by 2, subtract 3534232 square miles… oh never mind. I just though of the letter writer, It is Hotspur. No really, listen, it’s him. Read between the lines and there it is.
                Or it’s just line space. hr is a sleepy f**k.

                December 17, 2011 at 9:09 pm

                • Yorkshire is the largest traditional county of England. 6000 square miles (15000 sq km)… America is too big, I give up, I will have to stay in Yorkshire forever!!

                  December 18, 2011 at 7:20 am

  16. I have lost all control.

    December 16, 2011 at 8:21 pm

  17. HR

    Just go with it. Hey I noticed YOU haven’t guessed yet, you know dont you? It’s Hotspur right? That is it. Im changing my guess. It makes sense now. I guess its Jonathan Borden. ( I’m siding with Ms. Megan) Maybe.

    December 16, 2011 at 8:34 pm

  18. I say The Idiot.

    December 17, 2011 at 9:54 am

    • The future Mrs. Hellis votes for The Idiot.

      December 17, 2011 at 11:17 am

  19. I’m with John, so I’ll also vote HR. Sure, I don’t think he’s been featured, or even actually has a blog, but I think the way he keeps changing his vote is a trick to throw us off the trail.

    Plus, he already said he don’t give a shite. So it has to be him.

    Since I’m second to pick the right answer, I’ll just nip off and buy my own copy…

    December 17, 2011 at 11:32 pm

    • You are awesome in many ways, but correct in one. 😉

      December 18, 2011 at 8:17 am