The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

My Secret Admirer – Three

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to

To my dearest sweetheart,

It is with much regret that I must postpone our first night together. As you know I only have a futon in my apartment and I wanted our first night to be special. So I went to Mattress Giant to find the perfect four-post bed (I know this is a special thing for you). However, while I was preparing for an evening of passion the manager found it odd that I was placing rose petals on the pillows so he asked if he could help me. To which I answered, “No thank you,” and then I began to disrobe.

After the police arrived they brought me to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. The doctors say that I can have visitors after the test results come back.

With much passion,



Dear Coo-Coo,

While I appreciate your heart-felt gesture in the showroom of the local Mattress Giant, you need to understand that an overt display of affection such as this is seen as inappropriate by my standards. As is sending letters requesting hair clippings or samples of my handwriting. In addition, I am not accepting gifts of your Thorazine induced wedding portraits or your handmade “bride and groom sock puppets,” regardless of how much you believe they resemble the two of us.

Here’s to better living through pharmaceuticals,

-Your not so Coo-Coo





42 responses

  1. I though HR didn’t give a Shite 😉

    December 18, 2011 at 8:13 am

    • First again I see.

      December 18, 2011 at 9:23 am

  2. HR owes me money.

    December 18, 2011 at 8:15 am

    • He is probably asleep ahaha!

      December 18, 2011 at 8:22 am

      • I wouldn’t doubt it!

        December 18, 2011 at 8:30 am

        • Its strange how we are around, 3158 miles a part yet I know you all so well 😉

          December 18, 2011 at 8:43 am

          • You’re easy to love, Kiddo!

            December 18, 2011 at 8:45 am

            • You know, #1 Ms. Ellis, I would have paid you back but the rose pedals cost money, and #2 Ms. megan I WAS NOT SLEEPING! someone placed weights on my eyelids holding them shut.

              December 18, 2011 at 9:28 am

              • :O Who was it?!

                December 18, 2011 at 9:36 am

                • My money’s on Looch.

                  December 18, 2011 at 9:37 am

                  • HR

                    It was the Honey Badger. He said that I stole his line , British style. He was pissed at tha pissa

                    December 18, 2011 at 9:53 am

                    • Oh no, he might come for me!! Oh well I will set my American’s on him and No I do not mean you lot 😉 I mean my American Bull dogs!

                      December 18, 2011 at 10:21 am

  3. I am cramping from the ‘bride and groom sock puppets’ line. Very ranty. I approve.

    Oh, and who won? Obviously not me…


    December 18, 2011 at 8:17 am

    • I actually cracked myself up at the handwriting bit. As for the winner, click on the trophy. 🙂

      December 18, 2011 at 8:19 am

    • one word dude. Midol.

      December 18, 2011 at 10:15 am

  4. Yay! i guessed right 🙂
    P.S My “guess” got posted as anonymous (forgot to log in)

    December 18, 2011 at 8:21 am

  5. What the hell, it was me? I can’t believe it. I would have NEVER guessed that. Although it explains the little white room I now reside in. Also the nice people that bring me cups of water and those sweet little tic-tacs.

    December 18, 2011 at 9:13 am

    • *sighs in exasperation*

      December 18, 2011 at 9:47 am

  6. Anonymous

    Ahem….I think I got it first.

    Now if only I owned an e-reader. Give my book to charity!

    December 18, 2011 at 9:47 am

  7. Now why did that ^^^^^ come up as Anonymous?

    December 18, 2011 at 9:53 am

    • Oh, I forgot to mention. That up there, that was me.

      December 18, 2011 at 9:53 am

      • Congrats John! I have a way around ereaders so we can make this work. As for the Anonymous comment up there I’m not sure. My blog has been doing odd things of its own accord lately. I’m thinking of re-naming her the HMS Bounty.

        December 18, 2011 at 10:00 am

  8. Oh no. I’ve guessed wrong . Never saw that one coming . *facelaptop*

    December 18, 2011 at 10:08 am

    • It’s ok, buddy. There’s another one next week. We need to talk about a SPaM post on you sometime soon. Shoot me an email.

      December 18, 2011 at 10:12 am

      • Awesome! 😀 what do I have to do ?

        December 18, 2011 at 10:44 pm

        • Sweet. I’ll send you an email with the details.

          December 19, 2011 at 5:56 am

  9. *sigh* I TOTALLY suck at this…good letters, though! Awesome…

    December 18, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    • I suppose now is not the time to tell you that quite a few past secret admirers have written more than one letter that I’ll be posting at later dates….

      December 18, 2011 at 7:49 pm

  10. Everyone who guessed me…. That sounded nothing like me at all. I’m not a 14 year old girl who wears Harajuku and listens to Good Charlotte. Not that this has anything to do with the letter or anything, I just wanted to clarify that I’m not that.

    December 18, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    • Hey…I’m a 14 year-old girl who wears Harajuku and listens to Good Charlotte! In fact I spent most of last year on tour with Gwen Stefani.

      December 18, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    • *cough* no one thought you were a 14 year old girl *strokes imaginary beard*….. till about now (0.o)

      December 18, 2011 at 10:42 pm